Celebrity Jeopardy: Daria Edition
Episode 1: “Breasts of Burden”
by Derek
Legal “anal bum cover”: Daria and all associated characters are property of MTV/Viacom. Saturday Night Live is property of NBC. Neither is used with any permission whatsoever. What are you going to do, sue me? (Just kidding!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy: Daria Edition. Unfortunately, Daria herself was unable to be on the show due to a prior commitment with another fanfic writer. Let’s meet our contestants.
In third place, with a record negative $512,400, is Kevin Thompson. I didn’t know you could even score that low.
Kevin: Hey man, I can do anything. I’m the QB!
Trebek: Fantastic. Moving on, in first place with negative $33,500, is Jake Morgendorffer.
Jake: Damn you Mad Dog! This is all your fault! I wanted to compete in the school spelling bee, but you wouldn’t let me! “Real men don’t compete in thinking contests”! Well I’ve shown you, old man! I’m on a game show, and it’s a lot more prestigious than the spelling bee!
Trebek: [stares in shock at Jake for several moments before recovering] And in second place, with negative $40,300 [ sighs and pauses for a moment ] Sean Connery.
Connery: Fancy meeting you again, Trebek. Did you miss me?
Trebek: No. How the hell did you get on this show, anyway?
Connery: I wrote some Daria slashfic with me as her lover. It made quite a ‘splash’ on the Sh33p’s Fluff.
Trebek: Oh no....
Connery: ‘Splash’, get it, Trebek? Ha ha ha!
Trebek: That is totally disgusting. [ After the audience laughter dies down ] Here are the categories: Potent Potables; Things That Are Purple - the answer to every question in this category is “purple”; Famous Lawndale High Football Players; Beasts Of Burden; Susan B. Anthony - I have no idea why that’s there; The Fashion Club; and finally, Musicals About Hurricanes. Jake Morgendorffer, you’re in the lead, so you can pick first.
Jake: I’ll take Famous Lawndale High Football Players for $200.
Trebek: Brittany Taylor is this football player’s girlfriend.
[ Jake buzzes in ]
Trebek: Jake Morgendorffer.
Jake: Peyton Manning.
Trebek: No.
Jake: Gah dammit!!!
[ Kevin buzzes in ]
Trebek: Kevin Thompson.
Kevin: Tommy Sherman.
Trebek: No.
Kevin: Aw, man!
[ Connery buzzes in]
Trebek: Sean Connery.
Connery: Brittany went out with me a few times. She really enjoyed the back seat of my car. [ audience laughter ]
Trebek: Wonderful, but wrong. The correct answer is Kevin Thompson. Kevin, how could you get a question about yourself wrong?
Kevin: Uh, Albert Einstein?
Trebek: Whatever. Jake Morgendorffer, you still have the board.
Jake: I’ll take Things That Are Purple for $400.
Trebek: Lynn Cullen’s jacket is this color.
[ Jake buzzes in ]
Trebek: Jake Morgendorffer.
Jake: Green.
Trebek: No. Green is the color of Daria’s jacket. Somebody else?
[ Long pause as no one buzzes in. Finally, the time-out buzzer sounds ]
Trebek: Kevin Thompson...
Kevin: I’m the QB!
Trebek [ after a pause ]: Would you like to pick a category?
Kevin: Um, no?
Trebek: Sean Connery?
Connery: I’ll take Breasts Of Burden for $400. [ audience laughter ]
Trebek [ Looks in shock at the board, where an ‘r’ with an arrow pointing to between the ‘B’ and ‘e’ in Beasts has been drawn with a black marker. Then he looks at Connery, who’s holding up a marker and laughing ] Where did you get the marker? We gave you a full-body cavity search when you came in here.
Connery: I had Jake smuggle it in for me.
Trebek: Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: Daria Fanfic Authors. And the question is: write down the name of a Daria fanfic writer. [ as the Jeopardy music plays ] It can be anyone who writes Daria fanfic. Just write down the name of a Daria fanfic author. [ after music ends ] Let’s see how you managed to screw this up. Kevin Thompson wrote: [ Kevin’s screen appears, with “ I’m the QB ” written on the lower half ] “I’m the QB”. [ screen disappears ]
Kevin: Everybody digs the QB, man!
Trebek: And you wagered: [ Kevin’s screen appears again, with “I’m the QB” written on both halves ] “I’m the QB”.[ screen disappears ] Brilliant. Jake Morgendorffer, you wrote: [ Jake’s screen appears, with “ William Shakespeare” written on the lower half ] “William Shakespeare”. [ screen disappears ]
Jake: He wrote fanfic, didn’t he?
Trebek: Shakespeare died centuries before fanfic came into existence.
Jake: Dammit!
Trebek: And you wagered: [ Jake’s screen appears again, with “$1,000,000” written above Jake’s answer ] “$1,000,000”. [ screen disappears ] At least you aim high. And let’s see what Sean Connery wrote. [ Connery’s screen appears, with “Ronin” written on the lower half ] “Ronin”. Why am I not surprised?
Connery: Ha ha ha!
Trebek: Unfortunately, that was a correct answer, so you win the game. That’s all the time we have for today. Hopefully, there won’t be a next time.
Connery: Now just a second, Trebek. You haven’t seen what I wagered yet.
Trebek: And I don’t want to.
Connery: I bet the audience does. [ He holds up his board. “Trebek loves” is written above “Ronin” . ]
Trebek: That does it. [ He grabs the board and smashes it over Connery’s head ] I’ve been wanting to do that for years. Goodnight.