Title: Citizen Jane by The Ranting Klown
Summary: Jane runs for class president out of anger against the system. Meanwhile Daria pulls the strings behind the Fashion Clubs attempt to insert a puppet president.
ACT I: Scene 1
[Exterior shot of Lawndale High, cross dissolve to Mr De Martino]
Class! I'm going to attempt to teach you about the political manoeuvrings
leading to the war in
Daria: It's nice to know that our educators care.
De Martino: But I have been ORDERED TO by the ADMINISTRATION! Now, can anybody tell me who was in power when the Vietnam War erupted? Kevin?
Jane: Wow, he really is quite the masochist isn't he?
Kevin: Oh, Abe Lincoln? no, wait, the guy who freed the slaves?
De Martino: (quietly) why do I keep on coming back for more? (Increasing in volume) No Kevin, that isn't the answer, and I shudder to think, that an ape with barely opposable thumbs, will some DAY BE A ROLE MODEL, for young people......(on the verge of breaking down)
(Cut in from P.A)
Daria: Damn, we almost got to see a violent murder, and I didn't even have to get up.
Ms Li: I'd just like to remind everybody that election for class president takes place in two weeks, and I've only received one nomination. This is a great opportunity for students to be recorded in the annals of Lawndale High, for many years to come.
Jane: And our motivation is what exactly?
Ms Li: And on a totally unrelated note, we will be screening students as potential threats to school security, throughout the next week.
Jane: Does this mean that I can't bring my swords to school?
[Shot of Daria and Jane walking the halls]
Daria: You see, the thing about random security checks, is that they are totally random, so we may see Kevin and Brittney in distress, which is always fun.
Jane: You don't need security checks to distress Kevin and Brittney, just tell them that school sports have been cut to make way for intellectual pursuits
Daria: Hmm, that's true, although the words 'intellectual' and 'pursuits' may confuse them.
Jane: Along with any words that are more than 5 letters long, but I digress
(They pull up before Ms Li's office to see Andrea whisked into the office)
Andrea: How is a pen considered a weapon?
Ms Li: It just is!
(The door closes with a slam)
Daria: And the Witch Hunt begins
[Exterior shot of Morgandorffer residence cut to shot of Daria reading Animal Farm at the breakfast table]
Jake: Hey Kiddo! What are you reading?
Daria: It's a story of a pig and his love for making glue
Jake: Umm, neat!
(Helen and Quinn enter)
Helen: I hear from Quinn that your school is doing security spot checks
Quinn: They're also electing a class president, so The Fashion Club is thinking......
Daria: (interrupting) don't hurt yourselves
Quinn: Thinking of putting up a candidate, then we can finally enforce a two accessory minimum dress code. We shouldn't be forced to look at the unpopular clothing of the unpopular people. It's totally gross.
Helen: Why don't you run Daria? It'll help improve your social skills, and it'll look good on your college application.
Daria: I have a problem with the whole election process, it requires effort and drive. Why would I try when the sofa beckons me so...?
Helen: Jake, encourage her!
Jake: I tried to run for class president once, I was all excited that I ran home to tell my mom and dad, but dad wouldn't have a bar of it, 'you can't run Jake! You're not good enough with public speaking Jake! You're not a leader, you're a follower Jake!' Dammit! I could've been President Dammit!
Daria: It's for the best; I doubt you have the mass appeal to have a presidential affair anyhow.
[Daria and Jane walking along the halls]
Daria: So then Quinn decided that the Fashion Club will put up a member for the election
Jane: Fascinating, I can see it now, 'Vote the Fashion Club, we can't promise progress, but we can promise good fashion sense'
Daria: Hey, with politics the way they are, they'll probably succeed as well......
(Ms Li approaches Jane and Daria)
Daria: Don't look now, but I think we've just been persecuted
Ms Li: I would like you both to follow me to my office with as little fuss as possible
ACT II: Scene 1
[Ms Li's Office]
Ms Li: As you know, we have been rounding up all the undesirables, uh, I mean threats to school security for questioning.
Jane: And what exactly did we do to warrant this attention?
Ms Li: You know what you did.....
Daria: (agitated) No, we don't know
Ms Li: Now now girls, if you don't cooperate with us, we can make the consequences quite dire, whereas if you do cooperate with us, we can make things...less painful.
Daria: You have no idea what we did do you.
Ms Li: Ah-Ha! So you admit you did something.
Jane: Listen, we're not the type to 'do' things, lazing around and then making snide remarks is more our M.O.
Never the less, Miss Morgandorffer and
Jane: You mean we question things?
Daria: You should take it as a compliment; such fine educators have instilled an inquisitive nature in all the students.......
Ms Li: Ah-Ha, so you're planning some sort of mass protest!
Daria: Are you familiar with the notion of a lawsuit?
Ms Li: (sighs, conceding the point) Very Well, you may go, but both of you will be watched.
[Daria and Jane, once again walking the halls]
Daria: Wow, if I ever thought 5 years or so of anti-social behaviour would garner suspicion (noticing a snooping Ms Li around the corner), I would've taken the pigs down a long time ago.
Jane: I know what you mean.
[Jane sign her name for nomination of class president, to a surprised look from Daria]
Jane: I don't know why I signed up for it. I guess I do care.
Daria: Perish the thought
Jane: It's just being victimised like that, just made me so damn mad. So I decided to do something about it. By the way, rustle up there cowgirl, I want you for my deputy.
Daria: You are aware of my strict non involvement policy aren't you?
Jane: Of course, if I'm elected, I'll have the power to get you out of gym class......
Daria: Well, when you put it like that.
Daria: You sure you're not just really, really tired?
Jane: And Daria, I need you to write a speech outlining my platform for the election assembly
Daria: The Screw the Administration Platform?
Jane: Precisely. I'll take care of the artwork, which reminds me, I'm going to need some more cow bones......
[Daria's House, lounge, Quinn and Daria sitting, Daria reading]
Helen: Daria, I heard that you're helping Jane run for class president
Quinn: That Freak!?
Helen: Is it too much to hope for that you're doing this out of regard for your college application?
Daria: No, I'm doing this out of a deep rooted conviction, and my love for the democratic process
Helen: Well, I tried
Quinn: That reminds me, you're good with words and stuff aren't you?
Daria: If by stuff, you mean accepting bribes, then yes.
Quinn: Alright, what will it take?
Quinn: $30 and a date
Daria: I wonder if Jeffy, Joey and/ or Jamie know they're worth $20 to you?
Quinn: Fine, $50 it is. This is coming out of my pore refiner budget, if anyone sees my pores let it be on your head.
Daria: I believe the English said something like that to Joan d'Arc. Very Well.
Quinn: Ugh. History.
(Walks off in disgust)
ACT III: Scene 1
[Auditorium, day of the big assembly]
(Daria sits with Jane in seats, waiting for their speech to come up)
Daria: Now all you have to do is read it out, and they'll be putty your hands.
Jane: You know, we make quite the dynamic duo
Jane: Sorry, apathetic.
Jodie: I never had you two down as people who ran in elections, do you seriously think you can change the school?
Jane: No, were doing it to prove a point.
Daria: Don't worry, your position as the overworked voice of sanity is not in threat
Jodie: Oh, Ok. (Walks away embarrassed)
(Zoom over to fashion club in auditorium)
Sandi: I believe, as fashion club President, I should be the one to give the speech. Unless there are any objections from my fellow members?
(Everybody looks at Quinn)
Quinn: Oh no Sandi! I wouldn't dream of stealing the limelight from you
Sandi: Limelight? Did you learn that from a book or something?
Quinn: No, of course not! I learnt it from a TV show!
Sandi: Very Well, Did you get your cousin or something, the brain, to write our speech?
Quinn: All you have to do is read it out. All the big words are sounded out.
Sandi: What are you implying Quinn?
(Ms Li approaches the Dias)
Ms Li: Good Morning students of Lawndale High! I've called this assembly for two reasons, the first, to allow class presidential speeches to take place. Secondly, and more importantly, to warn you all that if you are caught with any type of device endangering the security of Lawndale High, such as guns, knives, sharp sticks, paper clips, you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Now, I'd like to welcome up the first of our candidates, Sandi Griffin.
(Sandi walks to Dias)
Sandi: (Having trouble reading out the large words, 'indicate which words') Welcome students and 'distinguished' guests. I am here today to outline the election platform of the Fashion Club Party. We believe in a fashionable 'apartheid' where the popular would force the unpopular to accept the ideals and overtly fascist 'convictions' of the popular, and the unpopular would be punished for their 'insolence'. Our first order of business if we are elected would be to 'marginalize' everyone who did not fit up to our ideals of popularity 'supremacy'. Thank You!
(Shocked looks in the crowd)
(Zoom to Daria and Jane)
Jane: Am I to believe that you had some part in this?
Daria: How could you tell?
Jane: The words that were above 6 letters long. You know, deep down, you are really quite evil.
Daria: I'm not evil, just out to take down my sister in a flaming wreck.
Jane: Ahh, that's different.
(Zoom back to Ms Li)
Thank you for that, um, enlightening speech Sandi. (Under breath) 'note to self, bring her in for questioning'. Now next on the
schedule of speakers is
(Mystik Spiral's music plays)
(Chorus includes 'Yeah, Vote for Jane, Vote for Jane, do it or the administration will have their day, yeah!')
Daria: It looks like the Spiral have another smash hit on their hands
Jane: Hey everybody, I'm not here to bludgeon you with partisan rhetoric, I'm not even here to shamelessly self-promote myself, I'm here today to tell you exactly what's wrong with the school. Everyday, we are forced to accept a pre-conceived notion of ideals from the curriculum of 1956. In, short, this school is not attempting to claw itself out of the paranoia during the post WW2 days. It is irrelevant that the target be either communists or anybody different from the norm, the spirit of the McCarthy days is still very well present. I mean, which school do you know of has a satellite signal jammer? Only ours. If I'm elected I will work to dissolve this sentiment, and get a new soda machine for the hall. Thank You.
(Riotous applause from the crowd)
Ms Li: That's it! This assembly is over
(Daria and Jane walking the halls)
Daria: Wow, that was actually good. You almost spoke with passion.
Jane: Whoa, let's not go nuts, besides, I had good material to work with.
Daria: I'm just worried that intense left-wing propaganda may be too much for them
Jane: That's why I promised a soda machine
Daria: Already making flagrant promises that the school can't possibly afford, I might've known...
Jane: Hey, I am a politician after all
Daria: (seeing Ms Li following them) Well at least now the school will think twice about pulling us in for questioning, I mean, so soon after the speech, people may get the idea that we're political prisoners.
(Ms Li considers)
[Mr De Martino's class, Next Day]
De Martino: Now Class. I have received a directive from Ms Li that forces me to teach all you MORONS about the EVILS of Communism.
Jane: At last, I can use my extensive knowledge of Karl Marx to my advantage.
(Ms Li cuts in from P.A)
Ms Li: Students of Lawndale High, as a result of the 'scenes' at the election assembly, I am hereby forced to cancel the election, due to the highly volatile platforms of the parties concerned
Kevin: There was an election?
Yes Kevin, but don't worry, you didn't miss out on free food. Just food for thought.
Ms Li: So
thereby, by default, the class presidency has been handed back to Jodie. That
is all. Resume learning.
don't you just love the way the democratic process works?
You mean dictators that preach choice?
Exactly, but it would've been better if there was free food.
there wasn't free food? I'm confused
De Martino: Ha!
Daria: So you didn't win the election. I fell, umm, sorry for you?
Jane: Your concern is touching. I didn't really want the responsibility anyway, I would've been corrupt, think of the children!
Daria: Think of the children now, steps have been taken to label all speech that is different as 'communist propaganda'
Jane: But hey, we haven't been taken in the Ms Li's office in two days, that's got to be some kind of record.
Daria: but no election actually took place.
Jane: Jodie's a good kid. It's because of her that we all don't have tracking devices in our brains.
Daria: But how can you tell?
Jane: You don't have to so negative all the time
(stern look from Daria)
Jane: Fine. I'm still a bit confused though, was this experience a positive or negative thing?
(Shot of Fashion Club members being 'escorted in Ms Li's office)
Daria: (grinning) Let's just say it was bearable.
Authors Note- This fanfic was in no way meant to imitate
§ "Jane for President"A Fanfic by: Caitlin Duffy
§ "Politcs and other tricks" by: Eric Noss
I acknowledge the hard work of those authors, an on completion of this fanfic, had no idea of the existence of these works, until browsing various fanfics.