Author's Note: Daria Morgendorffer and her fellow characters from Daria are owned by MTV/Viacom. The same is true of Beavis and any other characters from Beavis and Butt-Head. Any other characters in this story are the property of Doggieboy. This is fan fiction and no money or other items of value have been exchanged for this story.

by

Daria and Beavis walked along a road quietly. She looked around cautiously while her companion talked incessantly. If it wasn't for the gold, I'd shoot your ass and shut you up, Beavis, she thought and stopped.

"How much further?" she asked, and interrupted his monologue.

"Huh?" he asked and stopped also.

She rolled her eyes. "I said, 'How much further?'"

"Oh!" He pulled a paper out of a pocket, unfolded it and looked it over for several seconds. Then he pointed at a slight incline. "We go over this hill and go on until we find the river."

Daria walked on. "A river, huh? We'd better wait until nightfall - might be too many people around it."

Beavis walked also and caught up with her. "No, we'll go on now, Auburn. Trust me, Beavis knows where he's going and just what to do. When it comes to following a map, I know just what to do."

Just then, Daria froze as four Union soldiers came out of the trees ahead of them and aimed rifles at the duo.

Beavis stopped and froze as one rifle was aimed at his face. "Uh, oh," he said.

"You moron!" Daria said. "Not bad, idiot!"

"Shut up, Auburn!"

"Did your mother have any children who survived?" she asked.

The question confused Beavis and he blinked several times. "I...I don't know."

She shook her head sadly. "The lantern's lit, but nobody's home."

A corporal, a big smile on his face, walked up and disarmed the two. "Hi," he said cheerfully. "Come along, now."

The non-com led the two, who were followed by the other three soldiers, up to the hill and over the rise.

Beavis and Daria stopped briefly, in awe of what they saw. Hundreds of Union soldiers were set up in trenches along their side of a medium sized river in the valley. Near the top of the hill, cannon aimed at the other side.

On the other side, hundreds of Confederate soldiers mimicked the Union soldiers, right down to the cannons aimed back.

"Oops!" Beavis whispered. "Sorry about that, Auburn."

"Too late for that, now," she whispered back.

The corporal looked back at them, his smile still on his face. "Come on, you get to see the captain. He'll decide what to do with you."

They moved to a lean-to built into the side of the hill. Made of timbers and tin sheets, it was the only shelter visible on the Union side of the river.

Beavis and Daria stood at the entrance as the corporal walked into the shelter. He saluted and said, "Captain, we found these two along our outside perimeter."

"Huh, huh, huh, bring the fartknockers to me, huh, huh."

When they walked into the shelter, they stopped and stared in shock at the officer.

Oh, hell! Daria thought. It's the officer who sent us to that prison camp!

"Auburn!" Beavis whispered quickly. "I know him! It's that--"

"Shut up!" she whispered back. "Just shut up."

"But--"

"Dammit, Beavis, he may not remember us. Just shut up."

The officer looked at him and stroked his sunk-in chin. "Where are you two dillholes from?" he asked.

Daria blinked and said quickly, and smoothly, "Maryland."

The officer looked at Beavis and said, "What about you, assmunch?"

Beavis smiled and said, "Heh, heh, I'm with her!"

"Well, what are you two doing sneaking around my camp like this?"

Beavis said quickly, "We want to enlist, general!"

The captain laughed and said, "Huh, huh, huh, I'm not a general, fartknocker. I'm a captain and you know what that means?"

"Uh," Beavis said and thought. "No."

"It means that I can boss any of these men and women around and they have to do what I say." He turned to the corporal. "Go on, go somewhere and spank your monkey. He's been a bad boy and you might not get another chance to do that."

"Yes, sir!" The corporal saluted, his smile still on his face as he left.

The captain smiled at them. "I can tell any of these women to show me their thingies - but that's not why I'm here."

"Why are you here?" Daria asked him.

The captain snorted and pointed at a wooden bridge that crossed the river. "That stupid, lousy bridge. I've been ordered to hold this bridge at all costs and keep the Confederates from getting their hands on it. I hate that bridge. If it wasn't for it, I could be in Dallas or Fort Worth right now and scoring every day!"

"What about the Rebs?" she asked.

"They're here for the same reason. To keep us from getting it. And everyday we fight and lose more and more people. Too bad we're fighting. I've looked at some of the Reb women through my spy glass. Some of them have really big thingies. I bet I could score with all of them."

"I could, too!" Beavis said quickly, his face excited. "I could, too."

The captain looked at him. "No, you couldn't. You wouldn't know what to do and they'd laugh at you. Then they'd run to me."

Daria shook her head and closed her eyes as the two got into an argument over who'd get more women. Finally, she asked, "Captain, why don't you just blow up the bridge?"

He looked at him and nodded. "I'd like to. I really would. It's a court-martial offense to even think of it. But sometimes I dream of watching it burn and blow up."

"Burn?" Beavis asked, his eyes widely opened. "Yeah! Yeah! Burn! BURN!"

A sergeant walked in and said, "Sir, it's time for the attack."

The captain pulled out his sword and held it up in front of Daria. "This is just like me, huh, huh, huh." Then he moved outside.

In your dreams, she thought.

The sergeant yelled, "Companies, report!"

As the companies all called in, Beavis sat on the ground, his hands formed into fists and his forearms parallel to his legs as he said repeatedly, "Burn! Yeah, burn!"

Daria watched as the captain moved down the hill and yelled, "Attack!"

Suddenly, Union soldiers poured out of the trenches and, led by the captain, rushed onto the bridge. Halfway across, they were met by the Confederates and the fight ensued. Smoke from gunshots filled the air, as did screams and yells.

She watched in silence as people fell, wounded or dead, as bullets hit them and shook her head. "A lousy waste of a lot of people," she said.

Beavis had come up beside her, now calm. "Auburn," he said. "The cemetery is across that river."

Daria smiled at Beavis. "Really?" she asked. "Where?"

He laughed and shook his head. "You think I'm stupid?" he asked. "It's across the river - and that's all I'm telling you. But as long as these dillholes are fighting here, we can't get across."

A cannon shell landed nearby and the two knelt down quickly.

Daria blinked as she realized that she was behind a box of dynamite. She looked at Beavis and said, "Maybe we should find a way to blow it up."

"Yeah!" he said, excited. "Blow it up! Blow it up!"

The battle faded fast and both sides retreated to their own sides of the river. "Get the doctor!" one soldier yelled. "The captain's been hit!"

Beavis and Daria stood back as the captain was carried in and laid on a table. He looked at them and smiled as a doctor and two nurses, all women rushed up and started to work on him. As they removed his shirt, he said, "It's good to be in charge."

Daria moved up and said, "Pay attention and maybe that bridge will be taken care of for you."

The officer nodded and looked up at one buxom nurse. "Hey, baby, come here often?"

Beavis and Daria moved outside the shelter, each with a box of dynamite. "Dammit, Auburn!" he said and grunted. "This is heavy!"

She set her box on the ground and he did the same. "You're right, Beavis. We need something to carry it on."

Just then, two litter bearers walked by them as they carried a dead soldier from the front. The two gunfighters followed them as they disappeared in a trench.

After the brief sounds of a fight, Beavis and Daria returned with the litter and set their dynamite boxes on it. "You kicked that man's nads!" he said. "That was cool!"

"You want me to kick yours?" she asked.

"No!"

"Then shut up and let's get to the river."

They carried the litter down the hill to the base of the bridge and Daria led him under the timbers of the bridge floor. "We can't be seen down here," she told her partner. "Let's get to work."

For the next hour, the two gunfighters tied off the explosives to the timbers to halfway across the river. They didn't talk or make loud noises as they worked.

When they finished and headed back towards the shore, Beavis said, "Auburn, what if you get killed? If that happens and I don't know your side of the secret, the gold will be lost forever."

"Yeah, and you'll never get your hands on all that lovely gold," she said and smiled. "It would be a shame."

"That's right!" he said. "You should tell me"

"You go first," she said.

"Oh, all right! The gold is in...Happy Valley Cemetery! Now, you tell me your side!"

Daria lit a match and said, "The gold is in a grave marked...Bradley Buzzcut."

"You're sure! Bradley Buzzcut?"

She lit a fuse and smiled. "Yes, I'm sure." Then she left the river and ran for the nearest trench or foxhole.

Beavis looked at the lit fuse in amusement, suddenly realized what was happening and ran to join Daria.

Daria jumped into one foxhole, braced herself against the earthen wall closer to the river and plugged her ears with her fingers. She closed her eyes tightly as well.

Beavis jumped in beside her, looked at the bridge in anticipation.

The dynamite exploded and the bridge shattered to pieces. Wood and stone flew in all directions as the shock wave spread out.

"Yeah!" Beavis yelled and then was hit by one stone and fell beside Daria. He blinked twice, then lost consciousness.

Up in the lean-to shelter, the captain sat up quickly, looked out and said, "Whoa! That was cool!"

The nurses made him lay back down and he smiled at the women around him. "No, it don't get much better than this."

Cannon fire erupted from the Confederate side and the Union soldiers returned the fire in kind.

Down at the foxhole, Daria waited as more and more smoke from the cannons filled the valley. Beavis snored, but the cannon fire drowned out him out.

**********

Sometime later, Daria woke up and looked carefully around. All of the soldiers, both Northern and Southern, were gone. All that was left was the lingering smoke of the battle, the empty trenches and the bodies of the unburied dead.

She stood up, stretched and kicked Beavis in the side. "Wake up," she said. "Time to go." Then she walked towards the river.

Beavis stood up, stretched as well, and followed her.

Daria watched as he moved past her up the hill. She knew that since they confided to each other their halves of the secret, he would rush to the cemetery to reach the gold first. Let him go on - and learn a little truth about me in the process.

They passed countless dead Rebel solders as they walked. She shook her head and sighed, while he laughed in usual moronic way.

She was a badly damaged church at the top of the hill and moved towards it. At the same time, Beavis stopped and searched the pockets of the nearby dead men and women. "Ah, such respect for the dead," she muttered.

Daria stopped in the church's doorway and looked inside at the seven dead bodies. Before the Rebels had evacuated, the church had obviously been used as a field hospital. She looked around and started to walk back outside, but quickly looked back at the body of one woman with very dark hair.

"Oh, hell, no," she muttered and rushed up to the body. Her face paled as she stared at the woman's features. "Dammit, Jane, you went and got yourself killed! I ought to shoot you for this!"

Suddenly the woman's eyes opened and she said, "Amiga! I thought you were one of Sibley's aides. They've been looking for deserters."

"Jane! You're not dead?"

Jane sat up and smiled weakly at her. "I had to play possum until I could get away from here."

Daria shook and steadied herself on the church's altar. "Are you hurt?"

The brunette showed a small wound and said, "Got hit by a piece of rock, but I'll be O.K."

Daria nodded and said, "Stand up."

Jane obeyed and moved to embrace her friend.

Daria, however, closed the gap and punched her friend's face with a right fist. The taller girl fell back onto the church floor. "That's for scaring the hell out of me! You're the only real friend I have, Jane! Don't ever do that to me again!"

"I'm sorry, Daria, but I had to play dead. I've been trying to get away for more than three months. But they've been shooting deserters. The burial detail won't be here until tomorrow morning, but I was going to take off once the sun went down."

Daria helped Jane to her feet and shook her head. "How did you end up with the Rebels?"

Jane shrugged. "I have no idea. I went out hunting one day and got caught by a patrol. They almost had me shot as a spy until I suddenly told them I wanted to fight the Yanks. So I ended up with them here. Which is funny since Trent is now a Union officer."

Daria sighed, lifted her glasses and rubbed her eyes.

Jane moved to an opening where a stained glass window once let in colored light and looked outside. "Is that Beavis out there?"

"Yeah," Daria said and shrugged. "We're working together - for at least a little longer."

"What's he doing?"

"Checking the dead for T.P., if I know him. Failing that, money and candy is his next priorities."

Jane looked at her. "No, I mean, why is he running?"

Daria moved up beside her and watched as her partner took off at a run. She sighed and said, "Happy Valley must be near here."

The taller girl nodded. "Yeah, it's just down the road a little bit."

"You wait here," Daria said. "I'll follow Beavis and be back for you. Then we can leave together."

"What are you doing?" Jane asked.

"Finishing a job. It's better if you don't get involved. There's bound to be bloodshed." Daria moved to the doorway.

"Amiga!"

Daria looked back at Jane.

"Be careful. I don't want to lose my only friend, either."

"Don't worry about me. Worry about Beavis." Then she stepped outside.

**********

"Heh, heh! I got away from Auburn! Heh! Heh!" Beavis ran as fast as he could. "The gold will be mine! All mine!"

**********

Back at the church, Daria watched Beavis run ahead and shook her head. Then she noticed a line of cannons aimed in the direction he ran. "Hmmm. That's curious. Why are these cannons aimed away from the river - and the Union's lines?" Then she shrugged. "Who cares?"

She moved to one cannon and loaded it carefully with the powder and ball. Then she saw the unused fuse and lit it.

**********

Beavis heard the cannon fire then dove to the ground as the cannonball zoomed in towards him. The ground to his left was hit and the force of the blast shook him. Then he got up, looked back at Daria in the distance and yelled, "You missed, Auburn! Heh! Heh! You missed!" Then he turned and ran on.

**********

Daria moved to a second cannon and repeated the loading procedure. Then she lit the fuse and covered her ears.

**********

Beavis still ran as the cannon ball struck the ground just behind him. The blast picked him up and he rolled into the back of a large tombstone.

He quickly stood up, looked ahead at a spread out graveyard and stared in awe. Then he pulled the map out of his pocket, laughed and tossed it aside. "I'm here!"

As he ran down one aisle, a dog appeared nearby and he jumped, briefly startled. The dog, however, wasn't startled. Instead, he rushed up to Beavis and bit the gunfighter right on the crotch.

"YEEEEOOOWWWW!" he yelled and the dog proceeded to pull him into the graveyard. As he tried to get the dog to release him, Beavis was drug over small tombstones. rocks and thistle plants.

"OWWW! Let me go, you assmunch!"

The dog, however, drug him for the next several minutes, and Beavis yelled and screamed during that time as well.

Finally, the dog released him and ran off to some unknown interest and Beavis carefully stood up. "Ohhh. The stupid fartknocker bit my nads." Then he walked through the graveyard slowly and read the tombstones as he walked.

As he searched, Beavis's walk turned into a run and he ran to and fro through the aisles in his search. He looked back and forth as he ran, and only tripped twice. Both times he fell, but picked himself back up and ran on.

Suddenly, he stopped at one tombstone and stared at the name on it. "Bra - bra- bra," he muttered. "Bradley Buzz - buzz - buzz - ah, whatever. Must have been a bee. Heh. Heh."

He quickly fell to his knees in the soft sand and dug with his hands.

After nearly ten seconds, a shadow enveloped him and a shovel suddenly appeared in the ground beside him.

"It'll be easier to dig with that," Daria said and stood still.

Beavis turned and slowly exposed his holstered weapon.

Daria's response was to expose her holstered weapon and hold her right hand near the pistol butt.

"Heh, heh. O.K., Auburn. Heh, heh. You win." He grabbed the shovel and dug into the sand.

Several seconds later, a second shadow appeared and a second shovel hit the ground between Daria and Beavis.

Both gunfighters turned suddenly to see Sandi stand there, her pistol in her right hand and aimed at them. Their startled expressions deepened as they looked at the young woman. Her clothes were dirty, her hair was unstyled and she looked extremely irritated. "Like, two can dig a lot quicker than one, you know," she said. "Dig." She noticed their startled stares and added, "You killed my entourage! Now, once I get the gold, I'll have to go through the interview process all over again and hire a new entourage."

Beavis turned his attention back to digging, but Daria stood still and stared at Sandi.

"You're not digging, Auburn," Sandi said and cocked her pistol.

Daria smiled at her and shrugged. "If you shoot me, you won't see a cent of that money."

Sandi blinked. "Why?"

"I'll tell you why." Daria shoved Beavis back, then grasped a small piece of exposed wood, then quickly lifted a casket lid open. Inside the wooden coffin laid the skeletal remains of a dead soldier. "There's nothing in there."

Beavis blinked as realization came to him and he quickly grabbed his shovel and drew it back like a club. "You lousy b--" he yelled.

"You thought I'd trust you?" Daria quickly interrupted him. "There's two hundred thousand dollars in the real grave. We're going to have to earn it."

"How?" Sandi asked.

Daria pulled a grease pencil out of her jacket pocket and picked up a palm sized stone "I'll write the name on the bottom of this stone." She started to write, then looked over at Sandi, who still aimed the pistol at her. "The gun?"

Sandi carefully released the hammer and holstered her weapon.

Daria wrote quickly and moved slowly out into a circular stone courtyard. Once she reached the middle, she turned and looked at the other two gunfighters. Slowly, she sat the stone face down on the ground and raised herself back up. Then she slowly backed herself away from them. Nearly a minute passed before she stopped at the edge of the courtyard and waited.

Sandi and Beavis glanced at each other and he slowly stood up. He leered at her and she narrowed her eyes at him as they slowly moved in a small circle around each other. Then she moved backwards towards a spot away from both him and Daria. Beavis also moved backwards away from her.

The two reached the edge of the courtyard at the same time and waited.

There was no wind, no animal sounds and no talking as the three gunfighters stood and watched each other.

Daria looked at Beavis and nodded briefly. Sandi noticed the nod and quickly stared at Beavis, who looked as clueless as ever.

After nearly five minutes of staring, the three slowly lowered their hands towards their waists and still watched each other.

Finally, Sandi said, "Can we get this over with? I have better places to be!"

Daria smiled and said, "Have it your way." Then she drew her pistol, aimed at Sandi and fired.

Sandi had also drawn her pistol, but wasn't as quick. Daria's bullet struck her right side near her hip and she fell with a cry.

At the same time, Beavis grabbed his pistol and yanked on it. The weapon never left the holster, but he did manage to fire it. The bullet went straight into his right boot. "YEEOWW!" he yelled and fell to the ground.

Sandi pulled herself to her knees and lifted her pistol towards Daria.

The auburn-haired gunfighter fired a second time. The bullet struck Sandi in the center of her chest and she fell into a nearby open grave.

Daria looked at Sandi's body, a small satisfied smile on her face. She walked out into the courtyard towards Beavis and cocked her pistol again. He winced, but relaxed as she shot at Sandi's hat and then her pistol. Halfway across the courtyard, she picked up the stone and continued her walk towards Beavis.

As Daria reached her erstwhile partner, the young man carefully got to his feet and yelled, "You lousy---! You want to get me killed! When did you tie my pistol down?"

"Last night," Daria said. "You see, my friend, there's two kinds of people in the world. Those with loaded, ready guns - and those who dig. You dig."

"Where?" he asked.

Daria tossed the stone on one grave near Bradley Buzzcut's grave. "Here."

Beavis looked in confusion and read, "Unk...unk...there's no name on it."

She held up the stone and showed that it was blank as well. "I didn't write any name down, either. You see, Beavis, Charles Ruttheimer told me it was the grave marked 'Unknown' two graves over and back from Bradley Buzzcut's grave. Go ahead and dig."

**********

As Beavis lifted the lid, he stopped and stared inside at the contents of the casket. His laughter filled the air and he pulled out eight heavy canvas bags. He took the shovel and opened one bag with it. Gold coins spread out around the bag.

"Heh, heh! It's all ours, Auburn! All ours! Heh, heh, heh!"

Then he turned to look up at a noose that hung from a branch high above one makeshift cross that served as one soldier's tomb marker. His laughter died and he gasped.

"Uh, Auburn. You wouldn't tease Beavis like this, would you? You're joking, right?"

"It's no joke, Beavis," she said as she stood there, her pistol in her right hand, but aimed down. It's a noose. I want you to climb up on that marker and put your head in that noose."

The young male started to move towards her, but she raised and cocked the pistol and he stopped. Then she motioned towards the marker.

As Beavis stood on the marker, Daria quickly put the noose around his throat and tightened it. Then she pulled the rope taut and tied it to the tree itself. She then moved behind him and tied his hands together behind his back.

Daria had earlier caught Sandi's white horse and brought it over towards the coin bags. She smiled at her partner and said, "Well, Beavis, it seems just like old times." She grabbed two bags and motioned towards four bags near the tomb marker. "Four for you," she said and loaded two bags on the horse. Then she grabbed the other two bags. "And four for me."

She got on the horse and tipped her hat at him.

"Uh, Auburn."

"Sorry, Beavis." Daria rode off, away from him and out of the graveyard back towards the church.

Beavis stood there, helpless, and stared at the bags of gold in front of him. He looked up at Daria every so often until she was no more than a blot on the far horizon. "Auburn!" he yelled and gasped as he nearly fell off the marker. With some difficult effort, he pulled himself back and relieved the pressure on his throat.

"Auburn!"

He repeated the yell every several seconds and briefly closed his eyes.

When he looked at the horizon again, he saw a dark blot slowly get bigger as the person got closer and closer to him. "Auburn!" he said, his voice relieved.

In the distance, Daria stopped the horse, and lifted a rifle. She steadied the weapon on her left arm and carefully aimed it towards Beavis. She lifted the sights and cocked the weapon.

Beavis stared in tense anticipation as he waited. He shook as the seconds passed.

Daria fired the rifle and the bullet, instead of cutting the rope, nicked Beavis on his left buttock cheek.

"YEEEOWWW!" he yelled and jumped off the marker. The branch he was tied to broke, which in turn, also broke the rope. He landed on the ground, face down on a bag of gold coins.

The scene froze, and the words "The Jackass" appeared in yellow cursive writing.

Next, Sandi's body laid in the open grave in a fashionable pose and the words "The Fashionista" also appeared in yellow cursive writing.

Then, Daria sat on the horse, a satisfied smile on her face, as the words "The Cynic" appeared in yellow cursive writing as well. Then the words faded and she put the rifle back into its saddle holster.

Beavis got to his feet and ran part of the way into the courtyard. "HEY, AUBURN! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? JUST A DIRTY, ROTTEN, B---"

Just then, the dog returned and bit into Beavis's crotch.

"YEEEEOOWWWW!" he yelled and screamed as Daria rode away on her horse. "Let me go, you assmunch! Owww! My nads!"

FIN (Heh, heh, heh)

**********

Author's Final Notes: This section comprises chapters thirteen and fourteen of The Cynic, The Fashionista and The Jackass, as it was originally posted on the various message boards.

From the PPMB, thanks go out to LSauchelli and NightGoblyn for their comments. Thanks also to Robin Sena for her comments on the Icarus board.

Many, many thanks to The Angst Guy for the praise he gave this story on The Daria Fandom Blog II.

Thanks also go out to Decelaraptor, because his western stories Tales of the Missouri Cheyenne and Daria: 1830 helped to inspire this story. I hope to see even more Daria westerns written.

Many thanks to fellow fanfic writer Dennis for his suggestion early in the story to call Daria's character "Auburn". Even now, I can still hear Beavis's voice as he says "All burn?"

Thanks also go out to Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach and the late Lee Van Cleef for their portrayals in the original The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. It's one of my favorite movies and I've long wanted to write a fanfic based on it.

Thank you for reading.

--Doggieboy