Author's Note: Daria Morgendorffer and her fellow characters from Daria are owned by MTV/Viacom. The same is true of Beavis and any other characters from Beavis and Butt-Head. Any other characters in this story are the property of Doggieboy. This is fan fiction and no money or other items of value have been exchanged for this story.

by

The men in the wagon drunkenly sang a military song. The only reason that the wagon even went straight on the street was that the horses were very sober and more in control of the wagon than the driver himself was.

As they passed one building, the wagon slowed and a young woman was thrown to the ground roughly. The wagon then sped off, the men aboard it still singing.

The young woman was actually still a teenager; she had dark hair tied up in pigtails and she wore a torn red checked dress. Her face bore the pain of her encounter with the men. But she put a pleasant expression on her face and said loudly, "Bye! I hope to see you all again."

She turned to walk towards the building and said to herself, "I hope I didn't offend them. I really don't want to upset anyone. I just want them all to like me." She opened the door and walked into the darkened hallway.

"Stacy," a deep voice said quietly from the shadows of her apartment door.

The girl's expression brightened. "Charles?" she asked expectantly and rushed up to the door.

The door was flung open, she was grabbed, pulled in and thrown onto the bed. The door was shut and locked and a barely burning lantern was turned up. The girl on the bed gasped as Sandi Griffin was revealed in the lamplight.

"Well, where's Charles?" Sandi asked, her voice even.

"Charles who?" Stacy asked, her voice shaky.

"You were calling to him in the dark! Now where is he?"

"I don't know!"

"Look at that checked dress you're wearing! It is so 1840s. Not only that, it's torn. Is that, like, the only way you can attract a man?"

Stacy covered her face and cried.

"Where is he?"

"I don't know!" Stacy wailed.

"You have blemishes on your face! You'll be lucky if a sober man even looks twice at you!"

"Enough!" Stacy cried out. "No more! He shipped out with his unit the other day. They were headed out southwest of town. I don't know any more."

"What unit?" Sandi asked.

"The 315th Artillery."

Sandi turned to leave, then stopped. She looked back at Stacy and said, "Buy yourself a solid dress, a light blue or green one, and play hard to get for the men. Make them beg you to like them. Oh, and, like, stop using that lye soap. Order perfumed soap from New York and use that instead. Make the men buy you stuff and you can be more like me."

"I can?" Stacy's expression brightened and she said, "Oh, thank you."

Sandi nodded and left.

**********

Beavis staggered to the beginning of a rope bridge and laughed weakly. The ropes that had tied his wrists were frayed and broken, but were still on his left wrist.

On the other side of the chasm stood a town. I made it, Brownie! he thought defiantly and squinted at the morning sun. He then walked onto the bridge.

Halfway across, he slipped and the bridge spun around twice. Beavis found himself tangled up in ropes and planks; one board rested over his mouth. "Uh...um...help?"

"Help me!" he cried out.

An hour later, he still cried out, "Help me!"

Two hours later, he still cried out, "Help me!"

After several hours tangled up in the bridge, Beavis remembered his boot knife and pulled it out. Slowly, he sawed through the ropes. After nearly another hour, the last of the ropes gave way and he stared in shock as the rock wall came at his face. He barely got a cry of fear out when he slammed into the rock and hung on the bridge remnants in a daze.

Nearly another hour still later, Beavis pulled himself up to the top of the bluff and laid on the ground. He laughed weakly again and got to his feet. He looked over the edge as he shook.

A small roadrunner ran up behind him, looked at him silently, then ran off again.

Beavis turned around and staggered into the town. He came to a horse trough and fell in with a laugh. He groaned and grimaced as the water hit his dry skin and parched lips, but didn't pull himself out.

After a minute in the trough, he got out and stood as the water ran off his body and clothes. A woman and two children across the street saw him, hurried into a building and shut the door quickly.

Beavis looked up at the sign on the building in front of the horse trough and laughed. It read, "Anderson's General Mercantile" and he moved towards the front door.

The door had a sign that read "Closed" just turned on it and an older man tried to shut the door, but Beavis stuck his foot in and kept it from closing. He forced his way in and looked around.

"Dammit, boy, I'm ready to close for the day! It's almost time for supper!" The older man wore glasses and looked to be in his sixties or maybe even his seventies.

Beavis ignored the man, saw several barrels of candy and rushed for them. As the shopkeeper looked on in horror, the gunman crammed several pieces of candy in his mouth and ate them, then repeated the action again and again.

"Hey, that candy costs money! How are you going to pay for all that?"

Still, Beavis ignored him, turned and saw a barrel of root beer on the counter. His eyes widened and he rushed for the beverage. "Mine! Mine! All mine!"

"Now, hold on a minute! If you want that, you'll have to pay for it!"

Beavis popped the plug out of the barrel, tipped it slightly and poured the beverage into his mouth. In between drinks, he crammed more candy into his mouth. As the seconds turned into minutes, the gunman shook more and more.

"That does it! I'm getting the sheriff!" The shopkeeper left the store as Beavis continued to eat candy and drink root beer.

Suddenly, Beavis pulled his shirt over his head and held up his two forearms and hands and yelled, "I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I NEED T.P. FOR MY BUNGHOLE!"

He walked around the store, his arms still up and chittered in his usual way during a sugar high. "In my village, we have no bunghole! Do you have T.P. for my bunghole?"

As the shopkeeper reached the sheriff's office, Beavis stepped outside, walked around back and forth several times, then left town on a southerly route. "Bungholio-o-o-o-o-o!"

The shopkeeper then led the sheriff towards his store. "I'm telling you, young people these days! When I fought in the War of 1812 and the Mexican War, we didn't tolerate the young people acting like this! No, sir."

They reached the shop and saw the mess that Beavis left. The sheriff looked at the shopkeeper and said, "Looks like he took off, Mr. Anderson."

Anderson shook his head and said, "I know that boy from somewhere. I just don't know where."

Outside of town, Beavis continued to walk around, his shirt over his head and his forearms sticking up in the air.

**********

A few days later, Beavis walked into a cave and looked around carefully. He kept his pistol holstered, but held a large paper bag in his left hand.

He saw a large iron pot full of steaming liquid over a wood fire, walked over to it and looked inside. Triangular shaped items floated around on boiling water and he grimaced in disgust.

"Yuck!" he said. "Stewart! Bobby! Mike! Where are you dillholes at?"

Three teens, all slightly younger than Beavis, came out from behind stalagmites further back in the cave and walked up to the gunman. "Hey, Beavis," all three said in unison to him.

Beavis smiled, nodded and said, "Um, I need you three for a job. What are you cooking?"

One youth, short and overweight, said, "We're cooking nachos. Do you want some?"

"Nachos!" Beavis snorted. "Stewart, you assmunch! You don't cook nachos - you buy them already made." He then handed him the bag.

Inside the bag was a can of nacho cheese and a bunch of fried yellow tortilla chips. The three boys attacked the food as Beavis watched with a smile on his face.

Several minutes later, a tall skinny boy leaned back, belched and asked, "What do you want us to do, Beavis?"

"There's a girl gunfighter who tried to kill me, Bobby," Beavis replied. "I want to get her back and I'll need your help. I'll split any reward she has on her with you. Are you all in with me?"

The three boys looked at each other, nodded and Stewart said, "We're in, Beavis."

"Good. Let's go then and I'll tell you all about Brownie."

**********

A dark-haired man stood in a doorway and watched as soldiers marched on the main street out of his town. He wore a plain white shirt and brown pants held up with suspenders. A compassionate expression marked his face as he watched the outside action.

"It's sad," he said. "All those poor Confederates having to leave town because of the Union forces. I wish they could get together and talk it over tea and cookies. Maybe we should yell 'Hooray for Dixie' to give them moral support." He listened for a response, got none, and continued, "Look! It's General Sibley himself. He looks so tired and weak. He needs to rest and take it easy."

"Skinny!" a harsh, female voice cried out from behind him. "Shut up about that! Think instead about how Colonel Canby and his Union men carry gold coin instead of that worthless Rebel paper scrip."

"You're right, Janet," he said, but still looked at the scene with pity.

"Now get back to scrubbing the floor! I want this hotel to shine!"

"Yes, Janet," he said. Suddenly a pistol barrel was placed against his right cheek. "Oh, my."

Beavis moved up beside him. "I'm looking for the owner of that horse out there. She's short, she's got brown hair and glasses and she's a fartknocker."

"Actually, her hair is auburn colored, not brown," the man said.

"What?" Beavis asked.

"Tell him nothing, Skinny! Don't talk to any of these...these...men!"

Beavis turned to Janet and looked her over. "Heh, heh. You've got really big thingies, don't you?"

Janet balled her hands into fists and said, "Why you..." She rushed at Beavis, but stepped on a scrub brush near a mop pail and her right foot slid forward. The woman lost her balance, fell backwards with a startled cry and hit her head on a table before landing on the floor.

"Janet!" the man said and rushed to his now unconscious companion.

Beavis grabbed his left shoulder. "What room is she in, mister?"

"She's in room four," the man said and checked out Janet's head.

Beavis turned and nodded to his cohorts, who moved towards the stairs. He turned back to the man, looked at Janet's prone form and said, "Heh, like, when I'm done upstairs, I'll come back down and help you, or something."

"Oh, would you? That would be great!"

"Um, yeah. I'll help you, like, loosen her clothes, or give her a bath, or something. Heh, heh."

The man seemed oblivious to any threat from Beavis and said, "Thank you."

**********

Slowly the three youths climbed up the stairs. All three had their pistols out, cocked and in their right hands.

Somewhere in the distance, an artillery cannon fired, followed by the whistling sound of a falling shell.

**********

Inside room four, Daria ran a small wire bristle brush through a disconnected pistol barrel. She ran the brush through the hollow steel several times, pulled it out and blew any loose dust out of it.

Suddenly, she stopped and listened. She heard the sounds of retreating Rebels outside, but thought that she heard something else.

After several seconds, she started to reassemble the pistol.

**********

The three reached the top of the stairs and moved slowly down the hall. As Stewart moved, the spur on his left boot jingled and they froze their movements.

**********

Outside in the distance, a sergeant yelled, "Company, halt!" All the soldiers, their wagons and horses stopped. The following silence was sudden and jarring.

**********

Daria narrowed her eyes as she stared at the door. I heard a spur out there. She waited tensely in the silence.

Outside a command to march came and the soldiers, wagons and horses moved once again. With the return of covering noise, she worked quickly on her pistol.

**********

The youths positioned themselves around the door to room four and psyched themselves up.

Stewart reached for the doorknob and carefully turned it.

**********

Daria fully reassembled the pistol and loaded it one bullet at a time. She saw the doorknob turn as she loaded the fourth shell in. The door flew open quickly. In one fluid motion, she closed the chamber, stood and worked the pistol as if it were a part of her. The sudden gunfire caught the three youths by surprise.

Two fell dead to the floor; Stewart dropped his pistol arm and held his now useless right arm with his left hand. He fell against the door jamb as he looked at Daria in confusion.

"Your spurs," she said and cocked the pistol a fourth time. "I heard your spurs." She shot him again and he fell dead to join his companions.

The sound of a spinning spur behind her made Daria spin around to find Beavis sitting on the windowsill. He aimed his loaded and primed weapon at her and held a coil of rope in his left hand. "Heh, heh, that was cool," he said. "I tricked you, Brownie. I tricked you good."

"Auburn," Daria said.

"Huh?"

"My hair is auburn, not brown."

"All burn?"

"Moron, it's AUBURN!"

Beavis snorted and tossed the rope at her. "Heh, heh, 'Auburn'. Heh, heh. You were right about the rope. When I stole that one, they told me they wanted 40 dollars for it. Toss the rope over the wooden beam."

She turned to move towards him, but he lifted the pistol and smiled. She sighed and did as he told her.

"Put the noose around your neck, 'Auburn'. Then climb up on that stool." As she obeyed him, he added, "Make it tight. It has to hold the weight of an assmunch."

"Maybe we can make a deal, Beavis."

Beavis laughed and said, "Here's the deal. You have the rope around your neck this time. But I don't shoot the rope. I shoot you in the ass and kick the stool out from under you. Then while you're swinging around, I'll grab your thingies."

**********

Somewhere in the distance, a cannon fired and an artillery shell came towards the town quickly.

**********

Beavis moved behind Daria and chuckled as he aimed the pistol at her left buttock cheek.

She heard the whistling sound of an incoming shell and tensed.

Suddenly, the hotel exploded and the floor under Beavis collapsed. He fell to the first floor along with everything around him.

As the dust settled, Beavis shook his head and looked up. An empty noose swung in the air and he looked around. "Dammit! She got away!"

Then a brick fell from the second floor and landed on his crotch. The howl could be heard all over the town.

**********

Sandi rode towards the mountain fortress slowly. The stone walls looked old and badly damaged. It looks so...so...unfashionable. Ugh. The things I do for money.

Her horse didn't like approaching the fort either and acted skittish as they got closer to it.

Sandi patted the mare's neck gently. "Shhh," she said. "It'll be all right. We have to come here. But we don't have to like it."

She dismounted in the shade and tied the horse near the entrance. Then she walked in, her senses on full alert.

As the seconds passed into minutes, however, she could sense no danger, just fear and despair...and pain. Since the war began, she had seen that kind of malaise many times.

Since Colonel Canby and his men had shown up from California, she had seen even more of it.

The fortress had definitely seen better days. Rubble was strewn about and the place looked abandoned. In stark contrast to that, the Stars and Bars, sharp and clean, flew proudly on an undamaged flagpole.

Sandi stepped into a barn doorway and stood in a pose, her chest thrust outward and her right hand on her hip.

She relaxed her pose almost immediately and looked around calmly. The barn was converted into a makeshift hospital ward and most of the patients were too injured to even care about her presence.

One man did approach her, however. He wore his uniform casually and looked more exhausted than injured. "Welcome to our RESORT!" he said. He right eye bulged as he said the last word and Sandi resisted the impulse to cringe.

He led her through the ward and back outside into the courtyard. "Not ONLY do we have REST and RELAXATION here, we also have the BEST international CUISINE!" He dumped several handfuls of shelled corncobs into a pot of boiling water. "OUR government spares absolutely NO expense in FEEDING us well."

The sarcasm in his voice was so thick that it briefly reminded Sandi of Auburn, the strange gunfighter who sometimes lived with Quinn. She took a deep breath and asked, "Like, do you know where I can find a man named Charles Ruttheimer?"

The man stirred the pot and ignored her question. He said, "Now we JUST want to be left ALONE, and in peace."

"Do you know where I can, you know, find Charles Ruttheimer?" she asked in a louder voice.

The man didn't even look at her. He sat down and said, "You drifters are all ALIKE! You think you can COME in here and GET what you WANT!"

Sandi reached into her right jacket pocket and pulled out a bottle of rotgut whiskey. I need to buy myself a new jacket, she thought, after carrying that...disgusting stuff.

The man saw the whiskey and he stared at the bottle. "What unit is he with?" he asked, he voice nearly breathless.

"The 315th Artillery."

The man's voice took on a gentler tone and quality now. "If he's with the 315th, Canby has chewed them to pieces. Your friend is probably dead right now."

Sandi tensed and asked, "If he's still alive , where would he be?"

"The desert," the man said quickly. "He would be as good as dead there, too."

Sandi pressed on. "If he's still alive, but not in the desert, then where would he be?"

The man took a long, hard drink of the whiskey, sighed, then looked up at her. "Obviously, you haven't heard about the prison camp the Yanks have built near Amarillo." He handed the bottle to Sandi.

"You can keep it," she said as she turned and walked back to her horse.

**********

Beavis rode his horse hard through the barren countryside. He passed what looked like campfire remnants and reigned his horse to a stop.

"Whoa, fartknocker," he said and climbed off. As he moved in front of the horse, the animal nudged him with his nose.

"Stop it."

The horse nudged him again, a little harder.

"Dammit, I said to stop it!"

The horse head-butted him and knocked him face down on the ground.

"O.K.! O.K.! Hold your damn horses!" He walked around to a saddlebag and opened it up. Just then, he realized what he had said and laughed. "Heh, heh! 'Hold your horses.' Heh, heh."

The horse turned its head, looked at Beavis and snorted twice.

Beavis pulled out several sugar cubes, shook at the thought of eating them, but instead walked to the horse's front and fed him. The last time he had eaten the sugar cubes himself, he suddenly found himself on the ground and the horse's right front hoof on his nads. He cringed as the memory played in his mind. "There! Are you happy now!"

The horse ate the offered sugar and snorted again.

The gunfighter walked over to the ashes and he saw a pizza crust laying near the edge. Several ants crawled on it. He picked it up, brushed off part of the ants and sniffed it. "Ahhh. Pizza. Too bad it's cold." Then he stuck the crust in him mouth, along with several ants that were still on it. He ate it quietly as he walked back to his horse and climbed into the saddle.

**********

Several hours later, Beavis and the horse arrived at another old campfire. He quickly slipped an oat bag on the horse's snout and looked at the ashes. Once again, he found a pizza crust, this time covered in red ants. This time, he just shoved it in his mouth, ants and all.

Then, he jumped up and screamed, then spat out the dough and brushed off his tongue and lips. "Damn ants!" he said.

**********

Halfway into the next day, Beavis found a third campfire that still smoldered and dismounted his horse. He knelt down next to it and found one whole slice of pizza on a still warm rock. He smiled, looked around for ants and crammed the pizza into his mouth.

He chewed and swallowed the food, then screamed again as he realized that the slice had been covered with habanero and jalapeno peppers. He grabbed his canteen and emptied the water on his burning tongue and lips.

**********

Daria laid on her belly as she aimed her rifle ahead at the site of a hanging. She listened to the litany of charges being listed against the man being hung. Suddenly, she felt a hand grip her right butt cheek and tensed as a cocked pistol was pushed against her right ear. She glanced to her right to see Beavis smile down at her.

He quickly removed her pistol and said, "Guess who?"

She sighed, looked towards the man being hung and said, "What about Q.B.?"

Beavis looked at him and shook his head quickly.

The sheriff's voice reached them as he said, "Proceed!" The horse's rump was slapped with a hat and the dark-haired man with padded shoulders gasped as the rope bit into his neck. He swung around briefly, then hung still.

"Sorry, Q.B.," Daria said to her now dead partner.

"Time to go, 'Auburn'," Beavis said. "We've got seventy miles to go and most of the day to do it."

Daria stood up and asked, "Where are we going?"

"In the desert." Beavis motioned with his pistol. "You walk ahead. I'll follow you on the horse."

Daria walked ahead away from the town as Beavis climbed into the saddle and holstered his pistol. He briefly looked at a pocket watch and smiled. 9:30, he thought. Plenty of time to go. He lightly kicked the horse and it moved to follow the girl.

**********

Nearly an hour later, Beavis smiled as he opened a lady's parasol and held it over his head. He looked at Daria as she trudged ahead in the sand. "You know, 'Auburn', the armies are afraid to come in the desert. Canby's men are to the...uh...and Sibley's men are to the...uh...well, dammit, they aren't coming in here! In fact, the only people coming in here are you and me."

Daria looked at him as he took water out of his canteen and patted his face with it. Already the effects of exposure were apparent on her face. Her lips were chapped and her lower face sunburned.

"The desert's a mean place," he continued. "A person either gets tough and survives...or they die." He looked at her and smirked. "If you show me your thingies, I'll give you a drink of water."

Daria looked at him, blinked, then turned and walked on.

Beavis laughed and rode on behind her.

**********

At lunchtime, Beavis sat on the shaded side of a boulder. He had fed his horse both water and oats and now ate food and drank his water.

Daria grabbed her canteen and opened it. Just as she put her lips to the water hole, Beavis shot it out of her hands. She shook as she watched the water pour out onto the sand.

"Now you have less weight to carry, 'Auburn'. Or should I say...'All burn'. Heh, heh, heh. I'm going to eat my lunch. You, however, can enjoy your sunbath." He laughed more and poured water on his face.

Daria laid face-down on the ground and shielded her face in her hands as she waited for Beavis to make her move on.

**********

By three p.m., Daria was staggering. She now had blisters on her face and hands and shook as she walked on.

Beavis continued to ride on slowly behind her; sometimes he laughed, other times he sang stupid or dirty songs.

He moved the horse up beside her and said, "You look horrible, 'Auburn'. I don't think I want to see your thingies now. The way your face is burned, you'd scare a mule. Heh, heh."

Daria ignored him, staggered on ahead and left him behind. She reached the top of a sand dune, nearly tripped on one of her feet, and fell to her knees. For several seconds, she tried to get back up, but couldn't.

Finally, she fell forward and rolled down the dune. At the bottom, she stopped on her back and laid still.

Beavis stopped his horse and dismounted, then jogged down to where his former partner laid still.

Daria looked at him as he pulled out his pistol and cocked it.

"Well, 'Auburn', you lasted almost all day, but now it's time to say good-bye. Farewell, 'old friend'." He leveled the pistol at her head.

She waited for the bullet to put her out of her misery, but noticed that Beavis now looked somewhere in the distance. She turned her head and saw a wagon, pulled by four horses, was coming at them fast. Then she closed her eyes.

Beavis carefully released the hammer on his pistol and holstered it as he ran to intercept the horses.

For as fast as they seemed to run, it was easy for him to take control of the horses. The weight of the wagon, combined with the poor traction of sand had made the horses work harder than they should have. It only took Beavis five seconds to make the horses stop.

Beavis calmed the horses and looked at the wagon. It was an army version of a stagecoach, with the letters "C.S.A." imprinted on each side. The coach itself was painted white rather than black.

He moved to the door, opened it, then pulled back with a grimace. At least five or six dead men laid inside; all showed signs of battle injuries and flies covered them.

Carefully, he got inside, waved off the flies and searched one man's pockets. He found several gold coins in one man's pocket and took them. He turned over one man as he searched his pockets and took a pocket watch.

On the third man's body, Beavis found a tin of mints and he chuckled at the thought of eating them. He looked at the man's bright red hair and muttered, "You won't need these anymore, my friend."

A moan escaped the redhead's mouth and Beavis quickly drew and cocked his pistol. The man looked at him through partly glazed eyes. "Water," he said, his voice raspy. "Two hundred thousand in gold for you, if you get me water."

Beavis leaned closely to him and placed the pistol barrel against his left cheek. "Tell me about the gold and we'll see about the water."

"The gold is in Happy Valley Cemetery," the redhead rasped and closed his eyes.

"What grave is it in?" Beavis asked. "Tell me! There has to be four or five hundred graves in that graveyard!"

The man looked at him, groaned and rolled his eyes slightly.

"Don't you die yet!" Beavis yelled. "I'll get you some water! Just wait!" He jumped out of the wagon and rushed to his horse. After he reached his horse and grabbed his canteen, he turned and saw Daria's body propped up into the open wagon door.

"NO!" he yelled and ran back to the wagon. When he got there, he kicked Daria aside and found the redhead dead.

Daria laid still on the ground and moaned in pain.

Beavis aimed his pistol at her head and asked, "What did he tell you? You tell me or I'll kill you now, just like the assmunch you are."

She shook her head and laid there.

He grabbed the front of her shirt and pulled her face closer to his. He pressed the pistol barrel to her chin and said, "I said to talk, dammit!"

Daria opened her eyes and gave him a small, but defiant, smile. "You better hope I don't die," she said in a raspy voice, "or you'll never have enough money to buy T.P. for your bunghole."

"What do you mean?"

"I know the name of the grave, you dumbass." Then she passed out.

"NO! Don't you die on me, Auburn! Don't you dare die! I'll take care of you! I'll get you help! Don't die!" He dabbed her lips with water from his canteen and carefully poured water on her head. "I'll get you help."

Beavis gently laid her down and set about cleaning out the inside of the coach.

**********

It was night when the coach reached a Catholic mission. Beavis, now clad in a Confederate uniform, pulled the horses to a stop and yelled, "Help! Help! I need help here! I have a sick friend!"

Two monks ran out, looked inside at Daria, and then they carried her inside. Beavis followed close behind. When they took her into a room, they shut the door before the gunman could go in with them. He ran into the door and bounced off.

He shook his head briefly, then said to one monk who moved by him, "Hey--"

The monk ignored him and walked on.

A second monk moved by and Beavis again said, "Hey--"

That monk also ignored him and moved on.

When the third monk walked past, Beavis grabbed him and asked, "Where's Father David?"

"He's away," the monk said. "He should be back in two or three days."

**********

After more than an hour, a monk came out of Daria's room and Beavis stopped. "How is she?" he asked, his voice desperate. "How is my friend? Is she going to make it?"

The monk gave him a smile and nodded. "Relax," he said. "Your friend is young and strong. She just needs a few days of rest...and plenty of water."

"Thank you!" Beavis said and tried to kiss the monk's hand. "Oh, thank you!"

The monk moved away from the gunman quickly, looked at him warily, then walked off.

Beavis walked into the room and looked at Daria. Her face had some sort of salve applied to it, as did her lips. Her glasses were off and her eyes were closed. As he got closer to the bed, she opened her eyes and looked up at him.

"I'm so thankful that you're alive, Auburn. I don't know what I would have done if you had died. I told those monks to take good care of you and do the best for my good friend." Then his face took on a worried look and he bit his lower lip. He suppressed the urge to smile and he then said, "Uh...I can't lie to you, Auburn. The monks told me that you're not going to make it. You're going to die and there's nothing they can do. But I tell you this, my friend, you tell me the name of the grave and I'll honor your memory every time I lift a glass of root beer."

Daria blinked, lifted her right hand, and motioned him closer to her.

"Yes! Beavis will come closer, Auburn. You tell me the name on the grave, my good friend." He nearly salivated at the thought of all that gold. When his face was near her burned lips, she quickly reached to a nearby water bucket, grabbed the ladle and flung water into his face.

Beavis roared in fury and grabbed Daria by her neck.

She smiled at him and said, her voice still raspy, "I'm glad I have such a 'good friend' to watch over me and protect me. I feel so safe now." Even in her current state, the sarcasm of her words made him wince. Then she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

(To be continued...)

**********

Author's Notes: This section comprises chapters five through eight of The Cynic, The Fashionista and The Jackass, as it was originally posted on the various message boards.

As always, it helps to keep in mind when I write a Daria western, historic reality doesn't mean much. They will have things that didn't exist yet in our 1862-era USA/CSA. No reason for this other than my preference.

From the PPMB, thanks go out to LSauchelli, vlademir1, DigiSim, NightGoblyn, The Angst Guy and cyde for their comments.

From the SFMB, thanks to Ianthe Yario, and from the Icarus, thanks to Robin Sena for their comments.