Bump, the System Lord

A duo of ficlets by Brother Grimace

"Bump' created by Richard Lobinske

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(Ted comes running through the doors of the cafeteria and directly towards Daria and Jane's lunch table. He is dressed in fatigues and wears a dew rag over his head, has a P90 auto-weapon slung beneath his arm, and holds a very ornate necklace in his left hand.)

TED: Daria! I was looking all over for you!

DARIA: Ted...? What are you wearing... and is that a real gun...?

TED: (waving that off) I got a gift for you! I picked it up on PBD-503 - it's really pretty, and when I saw it, I thought how it would look really nice with your hair!

DARIA: Ummn... thanks?

(The sound of staff weapon blasts can be heard in the hallway, along with several screams of alarm!)

JANE: (her eyes wide) What the hell was THAT?

TED: Uhhhn...

DARIA: Ted...

(The doors to the cafeteria fly open, and JACK O'NEILL rolls through! He comes back up quickly as TEAL'C follows him through, firing off blasts from his staff weapon with measured calm into the hallway.)

JACK: Teddy-!

TED: (to Jack) Stop calling me that!

TEAL'C: Theodore Dewitt-Clinton. It is imperative that we leave this location immediately. There are many innocent civilians in the line of fire, and the Jaffa that follow She-Who-Walks-Softly are not above killing them to get to us.

TED: I'm coming!

(At that moment, three spectacularly curvy female Jaffa warriors (you know the ones, right, bug guy? ) come running into the cafeteria, and are dropped by a long burst from O'Neill's weapon. )

JACK: Oh, Teddy? Run away and live now, mystery meat and day-old Jell-O later!

(Jack and Teal'c scoop Ted up and run for the other exit; seconds later, a horde of female Jaffa storm into the cafeteria!

Mouths drop open as Brittany, wearing a (cough) uniform like the female Jaffa and with a gold emblem on her forehead that looks like a small saucer, walks into the cafeteria. She carries a staff weapon, and walks directly over to Daria and Jane.

DARIA: Brittany...?

JANE: (looking Brittany over) Wow...!

DARIA: Jane!

JANE: Come on! If cheerleading gives you abs like that, I gotta get some pom-poms!

BRITTANY: Silence!

(The doors to the cafeteria open, and all of the Jaffa drop to one knee as a small black cat with a white snout and front paws walks in with an air of absolute superiority.)

BUMP: (mentally) Attend me.

(Brittany picks Bump up, and places her on the table.)

BUMP: (mentally; pawing at the necklace) That insolent man stole one of my sacred items, from my temple, to give to you. This will not stand.

JANE: (eyes wide) Daria... did you hear that cat just... think at us?

DARIA:I think we're in a lot of trouble.

BUMP: (mentally) Indeed. (Her eyes glow for a brief moment.) Your Goddess is most displeased. First Prime?

BRITTANY: My Lady?

BUMP: (mentally) Jaffa... tah' ra'an!

(Before anyone can speak, a set of golden rings drops down around the lunch table! A flash of light appears from within, and the rings disappear, along with Daria, Jane, Brittany and Bump.)

(Several days later. Students are very loud and rowdy in the cafeteria. One throws a stuffed bell pepper across the cafeteria.

(At that moment, a small black cat with white front paws and a white snout walk in, followed by a VERY healthy blonde in a Jaffa uniform and holding a staff weapon. The weapon fires, and the bell pepper explodes, burnt bits falling from the air.)

Bump: (mentally) Your Goddess is most displeased. Comport yourselves with a greater degree of dignity... or I will act to see that you do. (to Brittany) Summon the servants.

(Brittany hits a control on her bracelet, and a series of rings drop from the ceiling. Daria and Jane, now dressed in very filmy, near-translucent Egyptian-style outfits, appear in the light as the rings disappear.)

Daria: I hate you.

Jane: Hey - YOU'RE the one who had to make fun of the furball. I say that if the cat wants to rule the universe and has the steel knobs to pull it off, who are we to argue? But no, YOU just had to argue morality with an partially-Ascended cat who already thought she was the ruler of us all and then, went out and got an army of hot teenage girls AND funding!

Daria: I can't believe she won't let us have any underwear.

Jane: Well, then, the NEXT time someone asks you 'Who's the master?' - YOU say, 'Bump - sho'nuff!'

Bump: (mentally) Servants - attend to me. I wish to be petted.

Daria: I hate that she makes me pre-chew her salmon.

Jane: (grinning wickedly) Well, she DID say that you now have a good reason for constantly using your mouth.

Daria: Suck-up.

Jane: Can I help it if she likes the way I pet her? (picks up Bump) Oh, does someone want her soft little tummy rubbed? Somebody likes it when I rub her tummy just... like... that...!

(Bump lets her head and front legs fall limp as Jane rubs her stomach.)

Bump: (mentally) This... pleases me.

27 June 2007