Brassed Off by The Unknown (screw.you@gurlmail.com) ================================================================ Summary: It's "Music in Our Schools Month", and various students are forced to take a music course for the big old concert. ================================================================ Scene 1: Show Daria, Jane,Joanna, and various other students in Mr DeMartino's class. ================================================================ Mr. D: Now KEVIN one queSTION for YOU! What was HITLER trying to conquer? Kevin: The space program. Mr. D: (Irritable.) Not EVEN CLOSE! (Looks around the room.) Ah JOANNA! Joanna: (She's tapping out some tune on her notebook. In her own little world.) Huh what? Umm, uh he, was either trying to control Germany by killing all the Jews or something like that. Mr. D: You know Joanna I REALLY can't TELL if you ARE asking ME the question!!!! Daria: I don't know; was she? Mr. D: Daria your... (MS Li walks in the room, along with the band teacher Ms. G*) Ms. Li: Mr D. I hope I'm not interrupting. Mr. D: Of course not. Ms. Li: Students I have a very happy announcment. It's "Music in our Schools Month". There will be a big concert on Saturday to bring honor to Laaawndale High. All students will be expected to try out for either Marching Band, Jazz Band,Band,Orchestra, or Choir. Or else face suspension. Joanna: Great I have to take band again. (She looks up at the band director. As if to make all unholy nightmares worse it's her former band teacher.) NOOO!NOO!NOO!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (The class looks at her rather oddly.) Ms. G: Nice to see you, too. ================================================================ Scene 2: In the halls. Joanna,Jane, and Daria are walking together. ================================================================ Daria: So, what was that all about? Joanna: A tale I did not ever want to live again. Jane: The horrors of band? Joanna: Basically. I was in her band class my Freshman, and Sophmore year. She couldn't teach worth a crap. Most of the time she would hide in her office. Daria: To escape the essence of music? Joanna: No, to escape the essence of killing. (Show flashback. Joanna is in the band room trying to sketch. The teacher is hiding in her office crying. Various students are smashing the instruments and throwing them around. A cymbal comes towards Joanna. She catches it, and throws it back; nearly missing the students and sticking to the walls.) *Shudder* Jane: Really? Daria: Speaking of the essence of killing, Fashion Fiends straight ahead. (Cut to the FC.) Quinn: Like, I saw this new guy today. He is so cute! Sandi: Like, Quinn, what's his name? Quinn: Brandon. Stacy: Oh, I've seen him; he is fine! Sandi: (Gives the infamous bitchy glare. Stacy backs down) Quinn what if he's taken? Quinn: Oh, I'm sure he's not; he just moved here. Hey, look, here he comes. (He walks past them over to Jane.) Jane: Hey, Brandon. Brandon: Hey. (They give each other a quick peck on the lips. Cut back to the FC again.) Quinn: What? He's going out with that weird girl. UGH! Sandi: Like, don't take it so hard, Quinn. I'm sure he's just going to like force her like that other guy Evan. (Smirks evily.) Jane: What did she say? Joanna: I dunno. (Walks towards them.) Sandi: Like it's that girl who looks like me. Joanna: What did you say 'bout my friends? Sandi: Like, everyone knows he's like going to use her and abuse her. Like her former boyfriend Evan. Joanna:You want that to happen, don't you? Well, I'll tell you one thing. I'm a street fighter, and you are not. Outside after school at 3:30 sharp. You don't show your ass, be expected to pay. Sandi: Oooh. I'm like scared. Joanna: (To Daria.) Bet you 10 she don't show then. Brandon: Why is your sister acting like a pill? Jane: That's not her sister. Joanna: Just a freak of nature who looks like me. Daria: So, what are we going to do about that band tryout? Joanna: Well, I already play trombone. Daria: I used to play flute*, but I forgot. Jane: I thought I could keep this secret for awhile. Brandon: What secret? Jane: I've learned how to play the Alto Sax, and violin. Joanna: (Looks at her up, and down.) Stick with the sax. Brandon: I suppose you wanna know what I play. All: Yeah. Brandon: The clarenet. Jane: You? (Starts laughing.) Brandon:(nervously) Yeah geez. I'm little sensitive about these matters. Jane: Sorry. Joanna: And you know how to read music? All: Yeah. Daria: No. Joanna: I'll teach you. Daria: Fine. ================================================================ Scene 3: Outside. Show Joanna waiting for Sandi. At 3:31 she shows. ================================================================ Joanna:You're late. Sandi: Like so? Joanna: Ten dollars, please. Or an ass kicking. Sandi: (In disgust) Like, here. (Hands her a ten.) Joanna: (To herself.) Ten dollars richer. That was easy. (Cut to Sandi.) Sandi: That Brandon guy is hot. Hmm, maybe if I like embarrass that girl Daria hangs with then like maybe Brandon wouldn't like her, and go with me.(A smile forms on her face. She starts giggling. We then see her run off.) ================================================================ Scene 4: Show Joanna at the Morgandorffers. They are obiously about to eat dinner. Suprisingly it's not lasagna,but... ================================================================ Joanna: (To Daria.) Lasagna looks great. (Had you fooled, huh?) Helen: (Chipper.) So I hear you're going to help out Daria with something. Daria: (Deadpan.) Yeah, help me read music. Helen: (Kind of suprised.) Are you going to play the flute again? Daria: (Flatly.) Have to. Joanna: Yeah, we have to (Imitates Ms. Li perfectly) Bring honor to Laaaawndale High, or else face suspension. Daria: It's "Music in Our Schools Month". The students have to audition for something musical. Helen: So, Joanna, what instrument do you play? Joanna: Trombone. Daria: You know anything? Joanna: Yeah. Jake: (Joining in the conversation.) I think we have a trombone in the attic. Joanna: Hmm, bring it out. (Jake leaves the dinner table. Show Daria, Helen, and Joanna at the table. We see a shot of the kitchen clock with the minute, and hour hands spinning rapidly, indicating that time is passing by the hour.) Joanna: Umm, what's wrong with your clock? Helen: Damn thing; first it's the hands, now this? (Jake enters after 10 minutes holding a trombone. It's actually in decent condition. Joanna take it, and examines it. She moves the slide. She has trouble using it, so she pours some oil on the slide. It moves easily.) Joanna: Alright, if this tune doesn't get stuck in your head then you're one of the lucky ones. (She starts playing a piece by memory. It's fast, and upbeat. She plays it twice through then stops.) Jake: What's the name of that song? Joanna: Song? That was a warm up song. Here, I'll play another. (She blasts into the song "Tequila" whenever she gets to the "Tequila" part Daria flatly said "Tequilla".) Helen: That is good. Jake:Yeah, kiddo. Daria: Uh, Dad? Jake: Yes, dear? Daria: I'm "Kiddo" Jake:Oh, sorry. (Quinn then walks in the door. She looks dazed. By accident Joanna moves the slide a wee bit too fast. It shoots out, and hits Quinn.) Quinn: Oww! GOD! Daria: Let's split. (The two go into Daria's room. Joanna about ready to teach Daria how to play. Daria picks up the flute, and blows into it, but no sound comes out. After a few attempts she is able to get a note.) ================================================================ Scene 5: Show Sandi in her room laughing like a maniac. She has a few water balloons filled up. A tape recorder. Some computer enhanced photos of Jane (You can tell they are, since Jane's either kissing Daria [Might I add the Daria pic is in the background so it obviously looks fake.] And some of Jane nude [Again any halfwit idiot can tell they're fake]). ================================================================ Sandi: Like, once I show Brandon these, he'll obviously think of her as a slut and be mine! (She exits out the window, and starts walking down the street. We see Brandon walking along. Sandi comes up to him.) Sandi: Like, hi, Brandon! Where are you like going? Brandon: (A hint of iritation in his voice.) Over to Jane's. Sandi: That weird girl? Brandon: She's unique; not weird. Sandi: Hey, Brandon, I like got some pics of her. Brandon: (Knows something is up.) Lemme see. (Sandi hands him the pics. He looks at them oddly. After looking at them he starts laughing.) Sandi: (TVO) Hee, Hee, my plan is working. Brandon: Nice try. Anyone can tell they're fake. Next time choose a skintone that matches her. (He walks off, still laughing to himself.) Sandi: Ergh!!! ================================================================ Scene 6:Show Jane in her room. we see her looking at her sax. She picks it up, and starts playing. It's a blues sort of a song. (O.K So I don't know any good Sax solo's, so sue me. Hey I tried asking people if they knew,but they were too musically deprived. [That was a joke.] After she is done playing we see Brandon sitting on her window sill. ================================================================ Brandon: I didn't know you could play that good. Jane: (Kind of shocked.) Oh uh thanks. What are you doing here? Brandon: Wanted to see you. Jane: Oh, cool. Umm, you play clarenet? Brandon: Yeah. Jane: So what do you want to do? Brandon: Umm, I did have one question. Jane: What? Brandon: Did you go out with the guy who raped you? Jane: (She stays still for a moment. We see some images from Jane's P.O.V of Evan attacking her.One of them shows Evan with the knife grinning at her. Then another one of him hitting her.) (Yells.) No, don't ,stop please! No! Get away! Stop! Brandon: (Rushes to her.) Jane! Are you O.K? Jane: (Snaps out of it.) Yeah. I just had a flashback. The answer was yes. Brandon: I'm sorry. Jane: It's not your fault. Brandon: True. You know that one girl, Sandi? Jane: Yeah? Brandon: I think she's jealous of us. Jane: (Smirks.) Why do you say that? Brandon: She showed me some computer enhanced photos of you either nude or kissing your friend. Jane: How could you tell they were fake? Brandon: Well, the skintones weren't right. Jane: Ahh! Brandon: I gotta go. Jane: O.K (They kiss each other gently.) Brandon: See ya. ================================================================ Scene 8: It's Saturday. Many of the students are trying out for bands, choirs, or orchestras. We see Daria,Jane,Joanna, and Brandon with their instruments. ================================================================ Daria: I still can't play this thing worth a crap. Joanna: Nonsense, you can play. Besides she's so desperate she'll pick anyone! Daria: You're sure? Joanna: Of course. Jane: So, which one are you trying out for? Joanna: Jazz band. Ms. G: Daria Morgenfluffer! Daria: See you guys. (To Ms G.) It's Morgendorffer. Ms G: (Irritated.) That's great. Now play the damn song. Daria: (Mumbles.) Yes your royal pain in the ass. (She starts playing a flute solo. Some song called "Enchantment" by some person. She has the rhthym, and dynamics right, but misses a few of the notes.) Daria: That sucked. Right? Ms. G: Uh, yeah, sure, whatever. (Daria gets up. She walks to her friends) Daria: See, told you I sucked. Joanna: Nonsense! She'll pick you. Jane: After that? Daria: Har, har. Joanna: Gotta play. (she walks off.) (2 hours later. We see many students looking to see if they made it. We see Joanna looking at the Jazz list.) Joanna: Yahoo! We made it! Jane: Who? Joanna: You, and me. Daria: Oh. Joanna: You made it too. Regular band. Daria: (Sarcastically.) I'm thrilled. Jane: What did Brandon make? Joanna: Symphonic, along with Sandi. Daria: (Deadpan, as always.) Horrifying. Jane: Ain't it? Brandon: (Joining in.) Who else made what? Joanna: Let's see here. Jazz band; Jodie on tenor sax, Mack on trumpet, the Three J's on percussion. Geez she was desperate. And then Jane, and I. Symphonic band; You, Brandon, on clarenet, Andrea on alto sax, Sandi on flute. That's a shock. Upchuck on tuba, and some others. Regular band. You, Daria, flute. Daria: (Cutting in.) I'm thrilled. Joanna: Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany, and some others. Daria: Wow, I get to play with my sis. ================================================================ Scene 9. We see the all the band students in the band room (Assume there is a band room.) Ms G is desperately trying to get the students attention. With no such luck. ================================================================ Joanna: (Irritated, yells.) HEY, SHUT UP! The class shuts up. They turn their attention towards Ms G. Ms. G: Thank you. O.K I have the times for each band. Regular band well be during 2nd hour. Symphonic well be during third, and Jazz band well be at seven o'clock Mondays, and Wendsdays. Daria: Umm, how come Jazz band has the least amount of time? Joanna: Because all we play is. (Plays a series of B flats on her t rombone.) "Hey Jude". Ms. G: We'll play other songs. Joanna: Really? Like "Spinning Wheel"? Ms. G: More than those two. Joanna: Oh, thank God. Jane: So, which songs well the jazz band play? Ms G: Possibly "Tequilla" "Sing,Sing,Sing" (A.K.A "The Chips Ahoy! Song") and then "Spinning Wheel". Joanna: (Squeeks.) Oh boy we get to play "Crapping Wheel" (The class laughs.) Ms. G: Cut it out. Joanna: (In a Mafia tone, kind of sounding like Don Vito Corleone.) I'm sorry I did not know you could be offended by my talk. (The class laughs again.) Ms. G: OUT!! A.V: (Some girl on percussion playing for symphonic.) Wow! Somebody gets kicked! Ms. G: OUT!! (Joanna and A.V exit, smirking.) Ms. G: Hope that didn't interfere. (Too late; the class is in histerics. Even Sandi is on the floor laughing her almighty fashion ass off.) I give up. (She walks out into the hall way.) ================================================================ Scene 10: Show Ms G talking to Joanna. ================================================================ Ms. G: You know that was uncalled for. Joanna: So? Ms G: Shut Up! Joanna: Uhh, no. Ms G: Joanna, you used to be good. Joanna: Yes, and you've always been irritating. Ms G: What happened to you? Joanna: I was Spawned Again. Any ways I've formed a band, and we kick ass. Ms. G: Really? Yeah right. Joanna: I'll play one at the concert. Ms G: Will the principal approve? Joanna: Umm, yeah if she can charge admission. Ms G: Oh. Well you better practice that trombone, and other music you play. Joanna: Don't worry, I will. (The teacher walks off.) Not. (Under her breath.) ================================================================ Scene 11: Show Sandi walking down the halls. She bumps into Brandon. ================================================================ Brandon: Oh, excuse me. Umm, Sandi. Sandi: Like, wow, you got my name right. Brandon: It's not that hard. Look, I've gotta go. Sandi: Where, to meet that "Weird Girl"? Brandon: (Hisses.) Her name is Jane. If you don't shut the fuck up I will start calling you "Joanna's Copycat". Sandi: God, sheesh!! Why do you even like her? Brandon: Because she's sensitave, nice, caring, alot of other crap. Sandi: Why wouldn't you go out with a girl like me? Brandon: Because I did once. We broke up, because she was so damn ignorant of my feelings. Sandi: Jane's a slut. Brandon: How? I don't see her freaking boobs hanging out. Sandi: Oh, she went out with the guy who raped her. Brandon: Before the rape. Whoopie, she had another BF before me. Sandi: No, there's more. Brandon: What do you mean? Sandi: Sorry, gotta go. (She walks off. Jane joins Brandon.) Jane: What was that about? Brandon: Jane you, and me need to talk. Jane: About what? Brandon: Were you like really going out with that Evan guy? Jane: (Backs off) Shut up! Leave me alone! I never want to hear that fucking bastard's name again. I just want to get on with my life! (She runs past Jodi and Brittany.) Brittany: MMMM, what's with her? Jodie: I don't know. (She walks towards Brandon.) What's wrong with her? Brandon: I upset her. Brittany: How? Brandon: Nothing really. She's still having trouble with the rape. Jodie: Oh, my god, she was raped!? Brittany: By who? Brandon: Some guy named Evan. Jodie: They used to go out. Brandon: Did you notice anything that might have triggered the event? Brittany: Well... (Show flashback. We see Jane walking in a huff. Evan is close behind.) Evan: Look, Jane, I'm sorry. Jane: Yeah right. That's your 100- no 1000th lie to me. Evan: Can't we work things out? Jane: No! You're damn possevive of me. I can't do anything without you insulting me, backstabbing me, or hitting me. Evan, get this through your head, I don't want you back. (She hurries off. Evan is glaring.) Evan: (To himself.) Oh, you'll be sorry, bitch. Brittany has been watching them. Brittany: EEP! (Back to present.) Brandon: So she broke up with him because he was abusive? Brittany: Yeah. Brandon: Look, guys, I need to go. ================================================================ Scene 12: We see Joanna, and Sandi arguing. ================================================================ Joanna: What the Hell is wrong with you? Sandi: Nothing. I'm mad! Joanna: Why? Because you can't steal Brandon away from Jane? Huh? HUH!? Sandi: Why don't you burn in Hell? Joanna: Sorry, I don't wanna see you their. Sandi: You're an ugly skank. Joanna: Then that must make you one too. I'm leaving. (She walks off.) ================================================================ Scene 13: It's Jazz Band tonite. We see Joanna practicing her trombone. Jane is sitting with her alto sax. We see the three J's fighting over which instruments they'll play. A.V walks over to them and whacks them upside the head.(Some how she's playing in Jazz band instead) She then walks to Joanna who's drawing. ================================================================ A.V: Yo! Whatcha drawing? Joanna: This. (She shows a comic making fun of Ms. G.) A.V: Damn, this is good. Joanna: Thanks. Ms. G walks in and hands them music. Joanna: Wow "Sing Sing Sing"!!!, and "Tequilla", and "Hey Jude". Ms G: Let's began with "Hey Jude" (The band starts to play. Cut to Joanna who has her trombone against her mouth, and floor. She appears to be asleep, but is still playing.) Ms. G: OK, that was great. We're done with that song. (Same thing happens with the other songs.) ================================================================ Scene 14: We see Joanna, and A.V walking past a girl wearing a parka covering her mouth. ================================================================ Girl: Mmph mm mm mmph (Hi, you two girls.) Joanna: Umm, hi. What instrument do you play? Girl:Mmm mpjmmph (The violin.) Mph mm mghj mm mmg mth mhg (But I have to play flute.) A.V: Sheesh, Ms. G's a bitch. What's your name? Girl: Mmoght (Lilith.) Joanna: So what band are you in? Lilith: Mmphh mipmph (Regular Band.) A.V: Hey, you seem cool. Well, we gotta go by. Lilith: MMp (Bye.) Joanna: This sucks. A.V: What? Joanna: You know that girl, Jane Lane? A.V: The one with the mushroom haircut? Joanna: Yeah. She's been through hell. A.V:What do you mean? Joanna: You know that guy, Evan? A.V: That stupid jerk ass who thinks he's high and mighty? Haven't seen much of him. Joanna: He's in jail. A.V: For what? Joanna:You can't tell anyone. A.V: OK. Joanna: You sure? A.V: Yes. Joanna: He raped Jane. A.V: How sad. Joanna: Now that bitch Sandi Griffin is trying to take away her boyfriend. A.V: The one who looks like you? Joanna: Yep. A.V: I pity you. Joanna: Pity her instead. A.V: Oh, OK. Joanna: Gotta go. See ya. (Joanna walks off.) ================================================================ Scene 15: We see Jane in her room asleep. Cut to another dream sequence. ================================================================ Jane: Brandon, come back. No, Evan, go away. Stop it! Get away! (She wakes up with a bolt.) God, why won't these stupid dreams go away? (Taylor the cat walks in.[No it's Taylor Hanson. Jane sees him, and screams bloody murder, and dies. The end.]) Taylor: Meow! Jane: Here, Taylor. (She pets the cat who starts purring.) Taylor: MMprrr. Jane: Taylor, you don't have to worry about shit. Come on, let's feed you. ================================================================ Scene 16: Show F.L.I.P in Joanna's room, recording a song. ================================================================ Joanna: (Singing quietly) I've seen the things you've done. I guess you were having some fun. We've heard the rumors that you've said. It was just gossip that you spread. (We hear a loud drum solo followed by a loud guitar riff) (We don't hear anymore of the song.) ================================================================ Scene 17: Show various scenes of the students in band. First we see Daria trying to get a note. Then Ms G yelling at the bands because a songs not perfect. In jazz band we see Joanna standing on the chair playing. Then we see Jamie playing on the trapset. The bass drum type one breaks loose, and rolls off. We see A.V rolling her eyes. Then we see Jane with her sax. In symphonic band we see Sandi hitting on Brandon. Brandon moves away from her. ================================================================ Scene 18: It's the big night. Hurray. ================================================================ Joanna: Oh, boy, it's the big night. Daria: (Deadpan.) Hurray. Jane: So who's up first again? Joanna: I beleive it's regular band. Oh and did I till you she's handing out those awards we voted for? Jane: Oh, goody. A.V: Hey, guys. Joanna: Hey. You ready? A.V: Ready to kick ass. Jane: Lesgo (Lets go) ================================================================ Scene 19: Show regular band on stage. Daria is the last chair flute. Next to some others, then Lilth, then Quinn. ================================================================ Ms. G: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. The first band here is regular band. She turns to the students, raises the baton, and conducts "Canticum". It's a loud song with plenty trombone, and timpani. Then it gets soft. The dynamics slowly rise to a full loud sound. After they are done the audience claps. Ms. G: That was "Canticum". We only had time to do that song. Now for the Awards. The Best dressed award goes to Quinn Morgendorrfer. Quinn: Wow! How cute! (It's a small bear with a ribbon.) Ms. G: For most talkative, Lilith! Lilith: MMph mmpj mmi (Wow! Great award!) Ms. G: For class clown, Kevin Thompson. Kevin: Yahoo! I won! Ms. G: For most improved. Daria Mugen. Daria: It's Morgendorffer. Ms G:Yeah, sure. (The other bands play their songs.) Ms G: Now for symphonic band awards. I'll just read them all at once. Then you come get them. Best dressed: Sandi Griffin. Most talkative: Brandon Bonohon. Class Clown: Ted Dewitt-Clinton, and most improved: Andrea. Andrea: I'm thrilled (They take their awards.) Ms G: Now for Jazz band. Best dressed: Jane Lane. Mosst talkative: A.V. Class clown: Joanna Sunhymer, and most improved: Jamie White. Jane: Why that? (They accept their awards.) Ms G: Now for some enetertainment by a band. (Joanna, and the other members get their intstruments. Joanna is ready.) Joanna: This songs for the girl who looks like me Sandi Griffin. (Softly) I've seen the things you've done. Guess you were just having some fun. Heard the rumors that you said. It was just gossip that you spread. (A loud guitar riff, and drum riff is heard.) I think you're lonely. Wanting attention now. So you try to take another. When they're already taken. You don't give up, because you're an (Chorus.) Steven, and Joanna: A F.L.I.P Freaking Little Isolated Piss. (End chorus.) Steven:Go ahead try to take him. Away from his girl friend. So he can be miserable at the end Because You're a (Repeat chorus 5 times.) (Joanna plays a long guitar riff, and is then done. The audiance is clapping. We see Sandi crying.) Sandi: (Yelling.) I'm sorry Jane, Brandon, for trying to break you up! (She runs outside.) A.V: Wow, how hard. Jane: Eh! Brandon: Joanna, that song kicked ass! Joanna: The music speaks. Brandon: Jane, come with me. Jane: Umm, OK. ================================================================ Scene 20: Outside. ================================================================ Brandon: Jane, I'm sorry about reminding you about Evan. Jane: It's OK. I guess I'll have to tell you sometime. Brandon: Yeah. Jane? Jane: Yeah? Brandon: I umm uh.. Jane: What? Brandon: (Softly.) Love you. Jane: Love you, too. (They kiss.) ================================================================ THE END. ================================================================ This story was actually a spoof of my own band days. My band teacher was, well, not a good band teacher. Also we see that Jane's, and Brandon's relationship is put to the test by Sandi. Jane tills about her dating Evan in "I Dated Him". Yes, "Our Alter Ego's" will be done. Soundtrack for "Brassed Off": "Canticum" "Symbol of Freedom" "Peace Song" "Praises" "Tequilla" "Sing, Sing, Sing" "Hey Jude" FLIP--"F.L.I.P" ================================================================ THE END ================================================================