Brain Games
By Thomas

This is version three. Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(Lawndale High. The cafeteria. Jane and Daria are holding trays)

Daria: Houston, we have a problem. There aren't any free tables.

Jane: Well, I suppose we can sit at Kevin and Brittany's table. They're the only ones sitting there.

Daria: You forget. I'm a brain. To me, eating lunch with the QB is a fate worse than death.

Jane: Well, we can also eat while standing up.

Daria: A fate worse than death it is.

(Jane and Daria walk over and sit down next to Kevin and Brittany, then start to eat)

Kevin: Hey, you can't sit here, Daria. You're a brain!

Brittany: Don't be so rude, Kevin. Jane and Daria are okay.

Kevin: It's not okay! I'm the QB, you know. It's against regulations for me to eat a brain.

Daria: I'm glad to hear that. Although I assume you meant *with* a brain.

Jane: Am I dreaming or did Kevin just use a five syllable word?

Daria: (Menacingly) Kevin, let us stay or I'll use my special *brain* techniques against you.

Brittany: Eeep!

Kevin: You can't fool me, Daria. You don't have any special techniques.

Brittany: I think you should let them stay. I'm scared, Kevvie!

Daria: Kevin, do you know how brains can use statistics to calculate the odds of a game?

Kevin: Yes. (pause) I think.

Daria: Now, Kevin, you don't want me to calculate some bad odds for your next game, do you?

(Kevin looks scared)

Brittany: Come on, Daria. Do you really think my Kevin will fall for that?

Kevin: (Hastily) No, Daria. You can have the table.

(Kevin gets up and runs away)

Brittany: (Shakes her fists in frustration) Uuuuh! (follows him)

Daria: Next time I'll tell him that I altered his genes. Uhm, Jane, are you okay? You look pale.

Jane: My stomach isn't okay, that's for sure. (gets up and runs away)

Daria: Oh brother.

(Daria and Jane are in the bathroom. Jane is vomiting into the toilet)

Jane: I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I must have the flu or something.

Daria: Uhm, Jane... (pause) Are you and Tom...? (pause) You know...

Jane: You asked me that before. And you can forget it. I'll never tell you that! (pause) Oh my God, are you saying that I might be...

Daria: So you and Tom *are* doing it?

Jane: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Daria: Jane, calm down! We've only got two more classes. We'll pick up a pregnancy test on the way home. Then we can go over to my house.

(The class of Mr. O'Neill. Jane has her face buried in her hands)

Mr. O'Neill: So before Mercutio dies he curses not only Tybalt but also his friend, Romeo. Can anyone tell me why. Yes, Kevin?

Kevin: Is he the guy with the skull?

Mr. O'Neill: No, Kevin, but at least you got the author right this time.

Kevin: Yeah.

Brittany: (Hits Kevin) You jerk.

Kevin: Ouch! What was that for, babe?!

Mr. O'Neill: Anyone else? Jane?

Daria: I think Mercutio is angry. Not just because he's dying, but also because his death is pointless. He has no part in the feud between the Capulets and the Montagues. He thinks Romeo is just as responsible as Tybalt.

Mr. O'Neill: Very good, Daria. But I was asking your friend, Jane. Now, Jane, can you tell us how Juliet feels, when she finds out her parents wants her to marry Paris?

Daria: She's torn between her loyalty to her parents and to Romeo, she ...

Mr. O'Neill: Thank you, Daria. But I want to hear it from Jane.

Jane: This is terrible. What will he say? And what will my parents do when they find out?

Mr. O'Neill: Very good, Jane. I think you express the emotions of Juliet very convincingly.

(Mr. DeMartino's Class. Jane still has her head buried in her hands)

Mr. DeMartino: SO why did THE potato plague in Ireland have SUCH catastrophic results among the Irish BUT not among the English? YES, Kevin?

Kevin: Ireland, is that where the leprechaun come from?

Mr. DeMartino: At least YOU got the country right THIS time, Kevin. Now, Jane?

Daria: Unlike the English, the potatoes were almost the sole source of food to the Irish. They had no other crop to replace them with, nor did they have the money to buy food from the English. This also demonstrates the extreme dangers of mono cultures.

Mr. DeMartino: Very good, Daria. ONLY I asked Jane. NOW despite the famine and the HUGE Immigration of Irish to the U.S., the IRISH continued to outnumber the English. CAN you tell us WHY, Jane, or will Daria interrupt us AGAIN?

Daria: No, I can't fight the deja vu. It's stronger than me.

Jane: Pregnant.

Mr. DeMartino: Very good, Jane. THE Irish had higher pregnancy RATES!

(Morgendorffer residence. Daria and Jane are in the bathroom. Daria is looking at the test kit)

Jane: What does it say? What does it say? What does it say?!

Daria: Jane, calm down. It won't say anything for another minute.

Jane: I can't believe it. We took precautions. How could this happen?

Daria: Then there's probably nothing to worry about. Now calm down, will you?

Jane: You're right. I'll calm down. I'll calm down. I'll calm down.

Daria: So, Jane?

Jane: Yes?

Daria: If it's a girl, will you name her after me?

Jane: I'm warning you. This isn't the time to make fun of me.

Daria: Sorry. So, Jane?

Jane: (Sigh) Yes?

Daria: When you give birth - will you do it on stage? Performance art, I mean.

Jane: (Fumes) I'll get you for this, Morgendorffer. I'll get you if it's the last thing I do.

Daria: Sorry. That's twice sorry. The test is negative. You shouldn't have any problems getting past the illegal fetus detectors in the airport. (throws the test kit into the waste basket)

(That evening. Morgendorffer living room. Quinn is standing outside the door with a guy. Jake is standing on the inside. Jane and Daria are watching TV)

Jake: You be back soon, kiddo.

Quinn: I will, dad.

Jake: So, you must be Greg.

Bill: No sir, my name is Bill. But it's funny you should think so. My brother's name is Greg.

Quinn: Uhm, dad. We have to go now. Money.

Daria: Yes, Quinn, go. Your freak show is making my head hurt.

(Quinn fumes. Jake reaches into his pocket and takes out some dollar bills. Quinn grabs them)

Quinn: Thanks, dad. I love you. Bye-eeeee!

(Quinn and Bill leave)

TV: He offered his blood! But they took his money instead! Holdup vampires -- next on Sick Sad World!

Daria: Now I also get a feeling of deja vu from watching TV.

Jane: Hey, Mr. Morgendorffer?

Jake: Yes, Jane?

Jane: Did you know that preferential treatment of one sibling can cause severe emotional stress to the other?

Jake: Oh, I'm sorry. Here, Daria, have some money. (gives Daria some dollar bills)

Daria: Thanks, dad. Who needs love when you can have the greens?

Jane: (To Daria) You owe me a lot of pizza you know.

(Jake walks into the kitchen)

Jane: I think I found out how to get back at you for making fun of me earlier.

Daria: Will you lock me and my family up in the same room?

Jane: Hmmmm, tempting. But no. I want to use your shoulder. For a tattoo.

Daria: That is a temporary tattoo, right?

Jake: We'll see.

(The kitchen. Helen is sitting at the table. She's drinking coffee and going over some papers. Jake walks in and pours himself a cup of coffee)

Jake: You know something strange, dear.

Helen: What is it this time?

Jake: I can never remember the name of Quinn's boyfriend. Its like there's a different guy each time.

Helen: That's because it is a different guy each time.

Jake: That's good. I was afraid my memory was slipping up. No, wait, that's not good. Are you saying that Quinn's a slut?

Helen: Relax, Jake. Our daughter's not a slut. I'm sure it goes no further than dating. Although I confess that if I found evidence that she was sexually active, I'd be very concerned about her.

Jake: So, she's not a slut then.

(Morgendorffer residence. It's morning. Jake is in the bathroom. He's using a toothpick, it breaks)

Jake: Gah damn it! (throws the toothpick into the waste basket, sees the pregnancy test)

(The kitchen, Daria, Helen and Quinn are eating breakfast, they hear the voice of Jake coming from the bathroom)


Helen: (Alarmed) What is it, Jake?! (leaves the kitchen)

Quinn: What was that?

Daria: I stopped asking questions like that years ago. But I think now is a good time to be off to school.

(Quinn and Daria gets up and leave)

(Lawndale High. Daria is walking down the hall. Kevin and Mack walk up to her)

Kevin: There she is, Mack Daddy. The one who made us lose the game.

Daria: Excuse me?

Mack: Don't call me that. And as I remember it, we lost the game because you failed to catch the ball.

Kevin: Like, she made me, dude. She used statistics on me to change my odds.

Mack: Daria? Kevin is making even less sense than usual. But I don't think he'd come up with the word statistics on his own. What have you done to him?

Daria: Uhm. Brain techniques.

Kevin: See? She admits it.

Mack: You did what? How?

Daria: Here, let me show you. Now, Kevin, have you ever heard of genetic engineering?

(Kevin screams and runs away)

Mack: Kevin, wait! (Mack runs after him. As he comes by Jodie he stops)

Jodie: What was that?

Mack: Never mind. But could you please tell your friend, Brainiac, not to pull stunts like this right before a game?

Jodie: (Walks up to Daria) What did you do?

Daria: I'm not sure how to explain it. I think it defies the rules of logic.

(Later that day in Jane's room. Daria who is top-less is lying face down on the floor. Jane is sitting next to her. She is painting a picture of a flower on Daria's left shoulder)

Daria: Since it doesn't hurt, I assume it's just a temporary.

Jane: You never know. Maybe I gave you an anesthetic.

(There is a knock on the door)

Jane: Come in.

Daria: No, don't come in, stay away!

(The door opens, it's Trent)

Trent: Hi, Jane, hi, Daria. Say, is that a real tattoo?

Jane: No, it's just a temporary. Do you like it?

Daria: (Blushes) Jane, I appeal to you in the name of everything that is holy...

Trent: (Sits down next to Daria) A flower. Couldn't you do like a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth?

Jane: Maybe I could. Daria does have two shoulders.

Daria: Jane, please.

Jane: I can't hear you?

Trent: So why did you want me to come in here, Jane?

Daria: You set me up, didn't you?

Jane: What can I say? Think of it as performance art.

(Later that day in the Morgendorffer living room. Jake and Helen are sitting on the couch. Quinn comes in the door)

Jake: Hold it, young lady. We need to have word with you.

Quinn: Just a minute, dad. I need to take care of my makeup first.

Jake: Oh, that's okay then.

(Quinn runs up the stairs)

Helen: Jake, you're doing it the wrong way!

Jake: What did I do?

Helen: Watch and learn.

(The bathroom. Daria is looking at her shoulder in the mirror)

Daria: (Voiceover) It really is a beautiful flower -- maybe I should get a real tattoo someday.

Quinn: (Quickly enters the bathroom, then stops) Gosh, Daria. Don't you ever lock the door...? (pause) Oh my God! You have a tattoo!

Daria: (Voiceover) I suddenly sense the possibility, for complete, utter and total humiliation of Quinn. (outloud) I have no idea what you're talking about. I have no tattoo.

Quinn: But it's there on your shoulder. I can see it.

Daria: You're hallucinating again. Remember when you thought I had been pierced?

Quinn: So you took it out! But you can't fool me this time. I'd like to see you get rid of that tattoo.

Daria: Quinn, for the last time -- I have *no* tattoo. Now get out of here! I have to take a shower. (throws Quinn out, locks the door) (voiceover) Goodbye flower. Our time together has been brief. But the humiliation of Quinn goes before all else. (takes a shower, the flower is washed off)

(The living room. Quinn walks down the stairs. She is met by her parents)

Helen: HOLD IT!

(Quinn freeze)

Jake: (Realizing) I see. So all you have to do is yell?

Helen: Quinn, we need to talk to you.

Jake: Yes, we're concerned about your lifestyle.

Helen: Now, we can understand if girls your age have an interest in the opposite sex. And if it was just one guy we might even be able to accept it. But, Quinn, you're dating many different guys.

Quinn: Mom, I swear. I date a lot, yes. But I'm *not* sexually active.

Jake: What do you call *this* then, young lady?! (holds up the pregnancy test)

Quinn: That's not mine!

Helen: And it's not mine. Surely you're not telling us it's Daria's?

Quinn: Maybe. It's not mine, that's for sure.

Helen: Now, Quinn. Telling us lies about your sister will not make things any better for you.

Quinn: But it *could* be hers. Maybe she *has* changed. She's even gotten a tattoo on her left shoulder.

Jake: (Panicked) Daria has a tattoo?!

Helen: Now, Quinn, remember when you thought she had been pierced...

Quinn: But, mom, she really has a tattoo! I saw it!

(Outside the bathroom. Daria opens the door and walks out. She is dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. There is the sound of Helen calling from the living room.

Helen: Daria, come down here at once!

Daria: (voiceover) Here we go. (walks down the stairs into the living room) (outloud) Will this take long? I have a date with the ambassadors of Romulus and Vulcan in an hour.

Jake: Oh, no, Daria's also dating different guys.

Helen: Jake, she's being sarcastic.

Jake: Oh.

Helen: Daria, we want to see your shoulder.

Daria: That'll be 20 dollars, the T-shirt is 50, and the shorts are a 100.

Jake: (Unsure) Is that also sarcasm?

Helen: (Very cross) Stop being sarcastic and show us your shoulder.

Daria turns her left side to her family and lifts up her T-shirt.

Quinn: But it was there, I'm telling you, it was *there*!

Daria: So she finally snapped. If that's all, I'll go to my room now. I think I have a straight jacket you can use on Quinn.

Jake: (Still panicked) So Quinn is not just a slut, she's also insane.

Quinn: (Falls to her knees) I'm not insane! And please don't call me a slut! It was there, it was really there!

Daria: (Angry) Don't call my sister a slut. How can you even think that of her?! (sees the test kit in Jake's hand) But that's Jane's, I mean... uh, oh.

Helen: (Smiles) One last question before I let you off the stand, young lady. And I strongly suggest you tell me the truth.

Daria: (Defeated) Yes, mom.

Helen: How did you know it was your left and not your right shoulder I wanted to see?

(Later that day in the Morgendorffer living room. Daria, Quinn and Jane are sitting on the couch. Quinn is sending Jane dirty looks)

Jane: But why were you and Quinn grounded? None of you did anything wrong. I'm the one who should be grounded -- it was my test kit and my temporary tattoo.

Daria: They rewrote the family rules. It's now an offense to drive your parents insane.

Jane: So you're never getting out of here, then?

Daria: I think that's why this offense carries a maximum time limit of one week.

Jane: Look on the bright side -- you get to spend some quality time with your sister.

Quinn: Ha, ha, very funny. Uhm, Daria?

Daria: Yes?

Quinn: You know how you got angry when you found out mom and dad thought I was a slut.

Daria: And?

Quinn: Thanks, Daria.

Daria: Anytime, Quinn.

Jane: I feel almost sorry for getting you grounded. Can I make it up to you with some temporary tattoos?

Daria: Can you give us some false vampire teeth instead?

Quinn: What's that supposed to mean?

Jane & Daria: Oh, nothing.