(Scene: a total disaster area of a soundstage. Many pieces of crumpled paper litter the floor. Coffee mugs are everywhere. The door opens and Andrea walks in.)
Andrea: Canadibrit? (slams door behind her)
Canadibrit: (OS; moan) Oh, not you; not NOW!
Andrea: You okay?
Canadibrit: (stepping over to her) Overworked, underpaid, VERY tired and … (looks at Andrea closely) You don't really give a damn, do you?
(Andrea does the stare.)
Canadibrit: (sigh) Come on. I could use a break anyway.
(The screen fades to snow, then the cut-down instrumental commercial bumper version of "You're Standing On My Neck" by Splendora plays over just a simple shot of the Daria logo with "Behind The Glasses III" written in the Daria font underneath. Cut to a bare soundstage, with Andrea sitting in a director's chair in the centre of the stage.)
Andrea: You coughed up for an opening this time. Nice. (beat) Welcome to Behind The Glasses III. I am Andrea Hecuba, Thorne or Perish, depending on what fics you read and who you care to believe. But you might want to see my first audition piece to hear what I have to say about THAT.
[Scene: AUSTIN LOOMIS, who looks like a clean-shaven, slightly better dressed, bespectacled Trent, is sitting in a chair across from ANDREA.]
Austin: So.
Andrea: So?
[5-second pause]
Austin: Thorne or Hecuba?
Andrea: Does it matter? MTV owns my ass anyway -- it's their decision.
[7-second pause]
Austin: Do you have any hobbies?
[4-second pause]
Austin: Besides standing on the sidelines and occasionally creeping people out?
Andrea: Isn't that enough?
[6-second pause]
Austin: In my adaptation of Canadibrit's "Blind Audition," I have the Flack-Jacket Mafia give you the nickname "Black Magic Woman." What do you think of that?
[10-second pause]
Andrea: I'd rather not.
[12-second pause]
Austin: I'm dying here.
Andrea: So call 911.
[9-second pause]
Austin: Good day.
Andrea: Good night. [exits]
(Back to Andrea.)
Andrea: Yeah, there were auditions. Dozens of them. Painful in every way. (beat) Interesting to watch.
[Back to AUSTIN, who is now sitting with TIFFANY.]
Tiffany: Um...how do I...start?
Austin: *sigh* Just read the cue cards.
Tiffany: "Good ... evening ... Daria ... fans... My ... name ... is ... Tiffany Blum-Deckler ... and ... I'm ... the ...co-ordinating ... officer..."
Austin: "for the Lawndale High Fashion Club."
Tiffany: "On... behalf ... of ... Outpost ... Daria ... and ... I ... Am ... (Not) ... Daria ... I'd ... like ... to ... welcome ... you ... to ... 'Behind ... the ...'
Austin: Next!
Tiffany: You made me lose my place. Now I have to start over. "Good... evening..."
[Austin throws up his hands with an inarticulate groan and storms out to go get a monkeybagel.]
Andrea: (VO) And I had to do mine over and over again just to prove that I was the lesser of several evils.
(Andrea sits in a dark auditorium with a dull white light shining over her. She sits Indian style in the middle of the stage with miniature voodoo dolls all around her.)
Andrea: Hi. I'm Andrea. (clears throat) Welcome to Behind the Glasses III.(crickets chirp, aside) I knew I should have held out for more money. (aside) What? Just set the cat in my room and I'll...(sees camera)... pet it nicely with my poisonous hair clips. As I said, this is Behind The Glasses 3 and in case you've never read any of these before, these contain the bloopers of fan fiction stories. (Beat) Anyway, lets get on with the show. Our first writer is Blankity Blank.
We look to the right and mysteriously a chair with Blankity Blank sitting in it appears, a la Star Trek.
Blankity Blank (B.B): GAH! THAT THING HURTS!
Andrea: Good. It's just as I planned.
(BB looks at her wearily then grabs his arm.)
BB: AAAAAHHH! MY ARM! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!
Andrea: (holding a voodoo doll) Oh, I'll make it stop.
(Blackout. Lights up again to show that BB is now curled up in a ball, motionless, making small chirps and tweets. Andrea is sitting happily with her doll, now seen to be one of BB.)
Andrea: And THAT'S what you get for giving me the wrong name!
(BB groans slightly.)
Andrea: Now, I'd just like to take the chance to alert all women of the lame-ass pick up lines men use. Please take note.
(Out walks Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie with cue cards.)
Andrea: Begin boys.
Jeffy: You're under arrest. You've stolen my heart.
Joey: Is your dad a baker, cuz you've got nice buns.
Jamie: Do I really have to read this?
Andrea: Have you ever used it before?
Jamie: Hmmmmm. (sighs) Do you wash your clothes in windex, cuz I can see myself in your pants.
Canadibrit: (OS) I didn't need to see ANY of this…
Andrea: (VO) And, of course, SOME auditions had to be … supervised.
(We see Canadibrit sitting in what appears to be a theatre. She is glaring at Crazy Nutso, who is sitting next to her.)
Canadibrit: CRA-ZY! I only asked you for one interview. Just ONE!
CN: But CB, I had this theatre, and everyone around, so I thought 'HEY! Why not do a whole bunch of them at once?' Isn't that a great idea?
Canadibrit: (sighs) Whatever, Nutso. Let's just get this over with...
CN: OK, now, each applicant will come out and introduce themselves as the host, then set up a clip. For the sake of keeping them alike, each applicant will set up the same clip, submitted by me, which has Jane messing up a stunt repeatedly in Return to Lawndale. You see, she had to drive Daria's Chevy Nova and skid over 3 lanes into the exit, but she had lots of trouble with it, and kept messing it up...
Canadibrit: (Rolls her eyes, speaks sarcastically) I'm sure it's a hilarious scene, Crazy. Now can we get on with this?
(Crazy speaks into an intercom that is set into the side of his seat.)
CN: OK, send out the first applicant.
(Kevin Thompson comes out on stage.)
Kevin: Hey everybody! I'm the QB!
Canadibrit: You're the host, you moron!
Kevin: Ok. In this next play….
Canadibrit: Scene! It's a SCENE you football brained simpleton! (To Crazy) First, I'll kill him, then I'll kill you.
CN: NEXT!
(Beavis and Butthead come onstage)
Beavis: Diarrhea...cha-cha-cha. Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.
Butthead: Shut up, Bunghole! (He slaps Beavis) Um... Car crashes are cool.
Beavis: Yeah! Flip over! Yeah, COOL! Jane's a babe! I bet I could score with her. heheheheh yeah!
Butthead: No way, butt-munch, she'd want to score with me. Hehehehehehehheheheheh.
Canadibrit: CRAZY! (Her voice has taken on a 'reaching the end of my patience' tone)
CN: NEXT!
(Upchuck comes out.)
Upchuck: Greetings, feisty director. Are you ready for my close-up?
(CB lets out an incoherent scream of rage, then slams her fist onto a red button set into her chair. A trapdoor opens beneath Upchuck, and he screams as he plunges into The Pit of Despair. Then CB turns to CN.)
Canadibrit: The next person onstage had better be someone I asked for or you are dead.
CN: (gulps) NEXT!
(Michael Jordan Mackenzie comes onstage. He taps the mike.)
Mack: Um...is this thing on?
CN: Yeah, it's on. Don't be so nervous, just do your best.
Mack: I'm just not used to being in these things by myself. Usually I have Jodie with me.
CN: Yeah, well CB's too cheap to have two hosts. (there is a brief pause, then) OW! Go ahead, Mack.
Mack: (clears his throat) OK, I'm Michael Jordan Mackenzie. You can call me Mack, or you can call me Mike, you can call me Michael, and you can even call me late to supper, just don't call me 'Mack Daddy', OK? This first clip shows us why fanfic writers should hire stunt drivers. Roll clip, please. (Pause or 'bt' if you're Kara Wild) How was that?
Canadibrit: Pretty good Mack. We'll let you know.
(Sandi Griffin comes onstage next. She steps up to the mike.)
Sandi: I'm Sandi Griffin, and, despite what you've read in fanfics, I'm a nice person. This first clip is weird, because rather than featuring the fashion club, or cute guys, or something, it has Quinn's weird cousin and her weird friend wrecking their geeky car repeatedly. Those two are in desperate need of a makeover. No wonder that has become such a fanfic cliché. (beat) So, like, how was that?
Canadibrit: Not bad Sandi...
Sandi: (Interrupting) Of course, I will need full wardrobe approval. AND I expect to wear something by a French designer. After all, I do have a reputation to maintain.
CN: NEXT!
(Sandi scowls at Crazy, then storms off. Stacy Rowe comes out next.)
Stacy: Hi! I'm Stacy Rowe. Or you may know me as Stacy Nibblett. I'm always portrayed as the 'nice' fashion club member. Or the doormat, whatever. Anyhow, this clip has a really neat car wreck in it. Don't worry, no one was hurt! (bt) How was that Canadibrit?
Canadibrit: That was fine Stacy. But you might want to skip that 'Nibblett' part. We don't need a lawsuit from Danny Bronstein.
Stacy: I'm SORRY CB! (She bursts into tears and runs offstage.)
CN: Nice going CB! NEXT!
(Ted DeWitt-Clinton comes out next.)
Ted: Hi, I'm Ted 'The new kid' DeWitt-Clinton. In true fan fiction cliché fashion, I shall now ask for gum. Ok, now that that is over with, let's look at this fine clip of Jane and Daria imitating a scene from one of my favourite video games, Car Carnage II (beat) So how was that?
Canadibrit: That was fine. And thanks for the bushel of corn.
Ted: Hey, you fixed me up with Quinn. What more could I ask for? (He leaves the stage)
(Back to Andrea)
Andrea: I'd show what happened after that, but apparently there's a PG-13 rating on this thing and Martin Pollard doesn't take well to excess violence. (shrug) Whatever.
(Black screen. White writing reads "Divine Comedy?" Back to Andrea.)
Andrea: When you think of comedy in the fan fiction community, you think of … John Berry. But when you think of a colossal joke in the fan fiction community, you think of Crazy Nutso, perpetrator of some of the more … warped fanfics out there. But at least he doesn't forget that there are other characters than Daria and Jane.
(The clip begins, we see Jane at the wheel of Daria's Chevy Nova.)
Andrea: (VO) And here's a clip from "Return To Lawndale", which answers the eternal question – if Daria's timid, how does JANE drive?
(Suddenly Jane flips the wheel left. Almost immediately, the car turns 180° and slides to a stop in the middle of the highway. Camera zooms in on Daria and Jane.)
Daria: Nice going Jane. I think Hazard County has an opening for a new deputy. With your driving skills...
Jane: Ok, Ok, I'll get it on the NEXT take.
(Fade out, text reads 'The Next Take'...We see Jane at the wheel of Daria's Chevy Nova. This time, she doesn't turn as sharp, but instead crashes into ditch next to exit. A tow truck backs up and pulls the Nova out of the ditch.)
Daria: That does it. Let's use my stunt double for the next take.
Jane: Oh, come ON Daria. I almost got it that time...
(Fade out. This time the text reads 'Take 32'. Jane cranks the wheel, and skids across two lanes, hitting the exit neatly, and flying up it. Then the car skids to a stop. We see 'Jane' get out of the driver side and 'Daria' get out of the passenger side.)
'Jane': See? I told you this would work.
(She removes a wig, to reveal that 'Jane' is actually Daria. 'Daria' removes a similar wig, to reveal that she's Jane.).
Jane: I would have got it eventually...
CN: (OS) Yes, but we didn't have the time. Or another Nova to replace this one if you totalled it.
Andrea: (VO) In this next scene, which was cut out of Return To Lawndale, Jane mentions how weird it is to have a look-a-like, which triggers a cheesy cameo...
(In the clip, we see Jane and Daria sitting in the Nova, parked.)
Jane: It's really weird seeing a girl who looks just like you. You can't imagine what it's like Daria, having a look-a-like like that...
(Suddenly Lynn Cullen pops up from the back seat)
Lynn: Oh, yes she does!
Jane: GAH! Lynn! What are you doing here? We weren't expecting you…
Lynn: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Daria: Jane, why do you set her up like that?
CN: (OS) Lynn what the hell are you doing here?
Lynn: Canadibrit was afraid she wouldn't receive enough clips for 'Behind the Glasses III' so she sent me over here to produce some.
CN: (OS) Well, swell. Now get OUT of here!
(Back to Andrea)
Andrea: One last scene from Return to Lawndale. In this scene, Jake breaks the news about the upcoming bundle of joy in a more...musical manner... (mutter) Geek.
(The clip opens with Jane and Daria glaring at Helen and Jake, suddenly Mojo Nixon's song "Debbie Gibson is Pregnant With My Two headed Love Child" begins to play, and Jake begins to sing...)
Jake: (singing) You mother is pregnant with my two-headed love child. It's a bigfoot baby, all covered in fur, now. Stark ravin' naked in the fornication nation..
CN: (off screen, interrupting) CUT! NO! That's TOTALLY out of character! Forget it!
Jake: But I want to make my character more hip.
CN: Well, NOT like that!
(Fade out. Back to Andrea.)
Andrea: And in this final scene, taken from the 'someday to be released' Isn't that Special edition of Shipper Wars and it shows the trouble they had filming an extra 'ballroom dancing' scene. Let's just say that Diane Long has roped Canadibrit and Crazy Nutso into dancing...
(Scene opens. We see a ballroom, with a bunch of people dancing. Camera zooms in to show Crazy and Canadibrit dancing together. Suddenly CB slaps Crazy, hard enough to knock him on his ass.)
Daria: (from off screen) CUT! CB, what just happened?
Canadibrit: (still glaring at CN) He blew in my ear!
CN: I did NOT! I just exhaled.
Canadibrit: Well you exhaled mighty hard.
CN: I was trying to hold my breath. That perfume you're wearing is lethal. What's it called, Eau de skunk?
Canadibrit: (Getting a warning tone in her voice) Crazy, I'm not wearing any perfume...
CN: Well, that is even worse then, isn't it?
Canadibrit: THAT does it!
(a fight ensues)
Daria: Oh, god, not again.
Jane: It's a good thing he didn't take my dare. I offered him a twenty to grab her butt.
Daria: Jane you're NOT helping things.
Jane: No one was hurt in the making of this fanfic. Well, except for CN.
Daria: And not too badly. We've kept security armed with 'stun' maters on hand since the first fight broke out...
(Fade to black. Back to Andrea.)
Andrea: Queen Jossie…
Canadibrit: (OS) Who had better be tendering a written apology if she wants to live…
Andrea: (small smirk) Has a gift for havoc. Both on-screen and off.
(Outtake 1 - "It's My Party And I'll Hide If I Want To")
(Daria and Jane are walking down to the basement to see Trent asleep with his many writing prospects. Daria is just about to slide.)
Jossie: And...ACTION!
Daria: (whispers) Trent. Trent! (lunges, screams) TRENT!!! AAAAAAAA!!!!!
(BANG!)
(Daria lies with the amp on her chest, flailing her arms and legs around.)
Daria: (muffled) HELP ME!!!
Jossie: Walk it off, walk it off. Take two!
Daria: (whispers) Trent. Trent! (lunges) EEP!
(Daria gets up and shakes Trent.)
Daria: Trent. Trent. (yells) TRENT WAKE UP!
Jossie: CUT! (walks onscreen) Trent...(snaps fingers)..wakey wakey or sleep with Jakey!
Trent: (bolts up) AAAAHHHHH!!!
Jossie: (walking offstage) Take thre...where's Jane?
Jane: Over here!
(Camera shows Jane hanging from a rafter with a spray can.)
Jossie: What are you doing? Get down from there. The last thing I need is hurt cast members. It's getting harder and harder to write them out gracefully. Okay, TAKE THREE!
Daria: (whispers) Trent. Trent. (lunges) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(A crackle, boom, and electrical flash engulfs the room, along with a shriek from everyone in the background.)
Trent: DARIA!!!!!!!!
Jane: OH MY GOD!!!!!
Jossie: DON'T JUST STAND THERE!!!! CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!! (looks into camera) AND GET THAT FLIPPIN' THING OUT OF MY FACE! FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHE LANDED HEAD FIRST IN AN AMP!! (sobs) OH, the HUMANITY!!!!!
(Snickers are heard offscreen. Camera pans to the audience where a [living] Daria sits with a camera.)
Daria: You should have seen your faces!! Priceless!
Jane, Trent, Jossie: (in unison) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(All three run for Daria, chasing her around the studio.)
(Outtake 2 - "Y 2 Day part 1")
-The Morgendorffers eating dinner shortly after Christmas.-
Helen: That sounds interesting. (cell phone rings) (sweetly) Helen Morgendorffer speaking. Yes Eric, I know the new year is coming up...well actually I had plans...yes, I said "PLANS"...can't you find someone else to fill in...Eric, I haven't taken a vacation in almost 2 years, you tell me to take a vacation or it will be taken away, and when I decide to take one, you tell me no? (angrily) What the hell kind of operation is this company running here. I'm taking the damn vacation and that's the end of it! (sweetly) Happy Holidays! (hangs up, evilly) Idiot.
(Jake, Quinn, and Daria stare at Helen in awe. They've never seen her actually want a vacation before.)
Helen: (still upset) What are you looking at? (cracks up) HAAAAAAAAA!!! Oh, I'm sorry!
Jossie: Take 2.
Helen: Happy Holidays! (evilly) Id......HAAA!!!!
(Jake, Quinn, and Daria crack up.)
Jossie: Okay, lets try this again. Take 3.
Helen: HAAAAAAAA!
Jossie: Take 4.
Jake: WAH HAH AHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Jossie: Take 17.
Quinn: Give her her 'damn' vacation, Daria!
Daria: No, YOU!
Jossie: I need a break.
Helen: What are you blah jshe laongosdf....(giggles)
Jossie: How long is this gonna take you?
(Helen blows a raspberry to Jossie, causing her to run at Helen with a rubber chicken. Helen looks at Jossie incredulously, then bursts out in laughter. Jossie turns around.)
Jossie: Everyone, take 10. (mumbles) I need a drink.
Quinn: "A Maritino?" perhaps.
Jossie: (points) You're not allowed to talk anymore.
-Daria walking up to her house after Quinn's party.-
Daria: (opening door) What a... QUINN!
Quinn: (slurred) All my life I've been waiting for this moment. All the jokes, all the harassment. Well it ends here, brain. (lifts up gun [!] with both hands) I've had (BANG!!!) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought you said it wasn't loaded!
Daria: (flat on the floor) Where is my stunt double?
Jossie: I didn't want to bug her. Besides, if she's playing your part, YOU have to pay her. It's in her contract.
Daria: Call her over. I've got a hundred in it for her.
Jossie: Whatever. (yells) YO! DARIA'S STUNT DOUBLE!!!
(And on comes a short, brunette, bespectacled look-alike wearing an exact Daria outfit.)
Canadibrit: Where's my money?
Daria: (getting up) How's a 50?
Canadibrit: 200.
Daria: 75.
Canadibrit: 150.
Daria: 100.
Canadibrit: 125.50, And that's my last offer.
(Daria looks at her pockets, then to Quinn's gun, then to Jossie.)
Daria: Does it really have to be loaded?
Jossie: They're just paper-filled blanks. Quinn doesn't even shoot you. Helen takes the gun and shoots later in the scene.
Daria: SO why don't you cut and switch guns then.
Jossie: I don't wanna. Having a real gun, really loaded, aimed at you will bring on a more real feel to the scene.
(Daria eyes the gun again, then Canadibrit.)
Daria: (to CB) 125.50 it is. But you owe me.
Canadibrit: I owe you?? I'm the one with a loaded gun pointed at me! (holds out her hand)
(Daria reluctantly hands over the money, sighs, and walks offstage.)
Jossie: Know your lines?
Canadibrit: Um, yeah.
Jossie: Okay then. ACTION!
Canadibrit: (opening door) What a... QUINN!
Quinn: (slurred) All my life I've been waiting for this moment. All the jokes, all the harassment. Well it ends here, brain. (lifts up gun(!) with both hands) I've had enough. (cocks gun) It's time for your just desserts.
Canadibrit: NOOOOOO!!!! Don't shoot! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!! I have the perfect life planned. I'll leave the country, marry Little Welsh Boy, and live in a house next to Diane! I WANT TO LIVE!!!!
Jossie: CUT! What the HELL was THAT?
Canadibrit: (shaking) Loaded gun...at me...Quinn hysterical.......(passes out)
Jossie: Everyone take 5!
(Daria walks over to CB and holds out her hand.)
Canadibrit: (handing over the money) I tried.
(Outtake 3 - "A Fate Worse Than Ms Li")
- Daria and Jane return home after picking up Quinn at Cashman's. -
"Whatever it was, it must not be good," Daria thought, taking the keys.
"Maybe it was a close encounter of the Ruttheimer kind," Jane joked, leaning against the car.
"DARIA!!! PHONE!!!" Quinn screamed from her window.
"Just toss the phone to me," Daria taunted, holding her hands out expectantly. And with that, Quinn tosses the phone.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Jossie: Cut! What kind of throw was that?
Quinn: Oh shut up! I haven't had my manicure yet.
Jossie: Point being?
Quinn: UGH!!
Jossie: You guys okay?
Jane: I hate talking in prose. It's too hard to transfer.
Jossie: Tough. I just wanted to know what it's like.
Daria: I think I'm okay now.
Jossie: Good. TAKE TWO!!
"Just toss the phone to me," Daria taunted, holding her hands out expectantly. And with that, Quinn tosses the phone, just making it to Daria.
"I was kidding," Daria said, but the window was already closed.
Jossie: CUT! Take 5 everyone.
-Jane and Daria return to school after Christmas break-
Daria and Jane walked into the school and gasped.
"NO CAMERAS!"
"NO BOMB SNIFFING DOGS!"
"NO SWAT TEAMS!"
"Jane, is this really Lawndile?"
"Lawndale."
"That's what I said."
"No, you said Lawndile."
Daria: NO I didn't!
Jane: Yes you did. Roll tape and I'll prove it.
Jossie: Can't you guys just go with it. Who would notice?
Jane: Well, if I did...
Daria: Then everyone is you...
Jossie: Oh, here we go...
Jane: Did I say that...
Daria: You meant it...
Jane: This is just like this whole Tom deal. You can't except it in real life either.
(Jane walks offstage and out of the studio. Daria stands alone in the hallway.)
Daria: Did I really say Lawndile?
Jossie: Um, yeah.
Daria: (getting out a $20) Here.
Jossie: Hush money?
Daria: Yeah.
-Jane and Daria investigate the new principal, Ms. Daulton, in the bushes surrounding her house.-
"I know I should have wore my jacket," Jane whispered, touching the scattering of snow on the ground.
"We both should have. I'm gonna freeze my arse off."
"Look, there she is!" Jane said, hiding behind a large hedge of bushes. "I think she's got the chemical with her."
"Um, Jane. I think we're being watched," Daria said, tapping Jane's shoulder.
"Right, Daria. And the next thing you'll tell me is that it's Tabitha up in a tree with a camera wearing Amberdummie and Fritch."
Daria just looked at Jane. "Make a run for it in, 5...4...3...2..."
"MOM! DARIA AND JANE ARE SPYING ON YOU!" Tabitha screamed from the tree. "They're the ones plotting the Return."
Daria: What the hell? You're not Tabitha!
Canadibrit: Yeah, but I had to get you back for taking my money. (Slams a mater into Daria's jacket)
Daria: Gee, thanks. (pulls out a stun gun) Like to be fried?
Canadibrit: Fried Green Tomatoes?
Jossie: God, people! Can we get through one freaking scene without interruption?
(SPLAT!)
Jossie: (wiping mater off her face) CUT! THAT'S A WRAP!
Canadibrit and Daria: But a wrap skirt is a definite don't.
Jossie: I need a vacation.
(Fade to black. Back to Andrea, who is now sitting with Daria and Jane.)
Andrea: (to camera) A relatively new face on the fan fiction scene is Professor Moriarity. Daria and Jane have asked to come on specially to complain. (to Daria and Jane) So, come on, what's the problem?
Daria: My main problem with working with Prof is the guest stars she picks. Really weird things start to happen.
Jane: Yeah, I remember what happened when we did that Labyrinth fic….
Andrea: We have a clip of that.
(Outtake 1 – "Not So Far Beyond The Goblin City")
Trent: Janey, could you turn that awful music off? You know I hate cheesy 80's techno-pop.
Jane: Talk to Mr. Pyrotechnics, here. (waves her paintbrush in Jareth's general direction)
Trent: (notices Jareth finally) Oh. Hey man, could you turn that off? I'm trying to sleep. (considers Jareth for a moment) Anyone ever tell you that you look like David Bowie? (leaves before Jareth can say anything)
Daria: (to Jane) I didn't think he had to try. I thought it was his natural state.
(Before Jane can answer, Jareth jumps in)
Jareth: I am the Goblin King, and I will take your sister Quinn to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City. You will have 13 hours to solve my Labyrinth…
Prof: (off screen VO) Cut! David, your line here is supposed to be "Jareth: I am the Goblin King, and I have taken your sister Quinn to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City. You have 13 hours to solve my Labyrinth…" Got it?
Jareth: What in the Underground are you talking about? Who is this 'David' of whom you speak?
Prof: (off screen VO) Very funny, David. Now come on, we have to finish filming this fanfic.
Jareth: What is 'fanfic'?
(Prof comes on screen now, and she, Jane, and Daria all share a worried glance)
Prof: Um, David, are you feeling ok?
Voice from off screen: I'm fine, why do you ask? (Prof, Daria, and Jane all turn to see another 'David Bowie', except he's dressed in 20th Century American clothes) Sorry I'm late, by the way. I got caught in traffic. (He sees Jareth) Hey, I told you I'd do the part! You didn't have to hire a look-a-like!
Prof: (points to David) But you're…..(turns to Jareth) then who….?
(Jareth takes this opportunity to turn into an owl and fly off the set)
Daria: I didn't think you had the budget for a shapeshifting scene.
Prof: I don't.
(Theme for the 'Twilight Zone' plays)
Daria and Prof: Jane! (camera cuts to Jane, who is messing with the stereo equipment.)
Jane: I couldn't resist.
(Prof puts her head in her hands)
(Back to Andrea, Daria and Jane.)
Jane: That was nothing, though, compared to what happened when we were filming "500 Vindaloos to Go," her Red Dwarf parody.
Daria: Don't remind me.
Andrea: So what happened? (beat) I mean, it's not like she cast ME in that fic or anything.
Daria: Well, the whole thing started because Prof decided she and her friend Drala were going to be recurring characters in her 'fics.
Prof: (OS) If Kevin Smith can do it, so can I!
Jane: But when Kevin Smith does it, it's funny.
Prof: (walks on screen) Hey!
Daria: Professor here decided it would be funny to shoot a scene with she and Drala fighting over a book. Only the guest stars took it way too seriously.
Andrea: Actually, we have a clip of that. (mutter) Would you have brought it up if we didn't?
(Outtake 2 – "500 Vindaloos To Go")
(A pair of feminine shrieks are heard from the bookstore. Daria and Co. peer in the entrance, then Daria starts walking away and beckons for everyone to follow her.)
Jane: (to Daria) Wait. Someone's trashing the bookstore, and you're not going to do anything?
Daria: They're in romance.
Lister: They are?! For the love of God, NO!!!! (he runs into the bookstore and starts pounding on Drala) I'll teach you to wreck the works of Nora Roberts and Danielle Steel!
Prof: Leave her alone! (she kicks Lister in the groin with her combat boots, and judo throws him into the next section, Cooking)
Rimmer: (at the top of his lungs) How dare you desecrate cookbooks, you git!
(He runs in and tackles Lister, and the two start exchanging blows. Before long, Kryten and the Cat have run inside and joined in, as well as the extras "shopping" at the bookstore, and the "staff." Daria and Jane just watch the carnage unfold. Professor and Drala drag themselves out of the store. Both are bruised and dishevelled. They start watching the brawl as well. After a few minutes, Drala turns to Prof.)
Drala: Maybe we should tell the books are just props.
(Black screen. White writing reads "Drama Queens and Kings")
Andrea: One of our best known drama authors is Jon Kilner. He really cleaned up in Canadibrit's Fan Fiction Awards in December – "The Last Days of Solitude" took Best Overall and "Jane" got Best Tear-Jerker. But what happens behind the scenes is pure comedy – as shown in this outtake from "That Stranger I Know So Well".
(Outtake 1 – "That Stranger I Know So Well".)
Trent turned around and carried the pot back into the kitchen. Jane followed him in. "Got any fresh coffee?" she asked, looking over the kitchen as she entered. "I could use some before I get back to my great paper search."
"Way ahead of you," said Trent. He placed the pot on the stove and fired up the burner beneath it. "Just give me a few minutes and I'll have it ready."
"Do we have any cream?"
"What do you think, Janey?"
Jane sighed and turned for the cupboard. "I'll get the non-dairy creamer."
Trent searched a low cupboard for the coffee as Jane searched a high cupboard for the creamer. She found the container, but it was empty. By the time she dug out a new one from the back, Trent had returned to the stove. Jane turned to join him and slammed her left arm into the low cupboard's open door. The creamer container hit the floor as Jane grabbed her upper arm. "Ouch! Dammit, Trent. You left the door open."
Trent looked back over his shoulder, his eyebrows raised in concern. "Oh, hey Janey. I'm sorry. Are you okay?"
"I will be." Jane rubbed her arm and shot him a mock-angry glance. "That's it. I'm turning you in for first-degree sister abuse."
Trent smiled as he picked up the creamer jar and set it on the counter. Then he reached out for Jane's arm. "Let me see."
"It's nothing. Don't worry about it."
"Let me see anyway." He wasn't going to let up until she complied, so Jane let him look at her arm. "So what's the problem?" he said with a smile. "It didn't even break the skin."
"Maybe not, but it's going to be purple tomorrow."
"I am sorry."
"No problem."
Trent gave her a sideways grin, then looked over his shoulder at the stove. "C'mon," he said, turning back. "The water's boiling."
Jane gave her arm one more good rub as Trent turned for the boiling water. Then she smiled, looking at the counter. He'd forgotten the creamer. Reaching out, Jane snagged the jar and turned to join him at the stove......
"Cut! Cut!" Jon walks in from offstage, an open script in his hand. He's in full creation mode, eyes on the script as he flips pages. "This just isn't working."
Jane huffs out a long breath and tosses the container onto the counter. It crashes against the wall and bounces unnoticed to the floor. "Now what?" she growls. "What isn't working this time? We got the timing right . . ."
"And Janey hit the open door just like you said to do . . ." Trent continues.
"And Trent poured out gobs of brotherly concern all over me," Jane finishes. "It's just like you wanted."
"They're right," Daria adds as she walks in from offstage. "Admit it, Jon. They got it perfect."
"Yeah," Jon mutters, his attention on the script. "But it's the whole scene that isn't working. If we tell the audience how Jane gets her bruise, it'll break the tension they feel when Daria discovers it the next day."
"I know what I'd like to break," Jane mutters under her breath.
"So we need to cut the end of this scene." Oblivious to Jane's ire, Jon takes a pencil from behind his ear and scribbles madly on the script. "We'll cut it right after Jane says "I'll get the non-diary creamer" and then we'll move right to her walking up the stairs with the coffee cup. Perfect. And we've got everything up to that point, right?" Jon looks offstage and gets a nod from a cameraman. "Yeah, we got that. Let's move on, then."
Daria smirks at Jane. "Yeah. Let's all move on . . . into therapy."
Jane is still aiming an incredulous glare at Jon. "So we're cutting the kitchen scene, the very scene that you've been making us perfect all afternoon."
"It's cut," Jon replies without looking up. He rapidly flips the pages of his script, looking for the shooting schedule. "Where is it . . . here we go. We're filming the confusion scene next. Jane, in this scene you think Daria has discovered your secret, but she seems to understand and you're relieved. Daria, you think Jane is confirming your worst fears, but at the same time you want to assure Jane, in that quiet way of yours, that you're behind her. Result: mixed signals that will emotionally drive the rest of the story."
"And will drive us all into madness," Daria replies, her voice dry. "Which at this point would be an improvement."
Jon looks around and motions everyone toward the door. "To Jane's bedroom, everyone. Let's get this scene set up. Jane, Daria . . . remember. Authenticity of emotion is what make the story REAL to the audience. That's what we're looking for."
"Personally," Daria mumbles, "I'm looking for the exit."
"Authenticity of emotion, huh?" Jane turns to the stove. Lifting the pan, she dumps the water onto the floor and hefts the empty pan like a club. "I've got some authentic emotions for him."
Jane heads for the door, pan at the ready. "Ummmm, Daria?" says Trent. "Don't you think we should stop her?"
From the next room we hear Jon's voice. "Jane, there you are . . . wait, what are you . . ."
*KLONG* "That's for making me bruise my arm," Jane shouts. *KLONG* "And that's for locking me in a coffin on that last fanfic. And this . . ."
"Aaauugghhhh!" Jon shouts. We hear the sound of running feet as Jon flees for his life and Jane takes off in pursuit.
"Yeah, we should stop her," Daria tells Trent. Then she folds her arms and smirks. "In about ten minutes."
(Back to Andrea)
Andrea: And of course, Ben Yee, whose "The Slow Knife" occasioned the rise of the suicide trend in Daria fanfic, has more than a little amusing misery when the cameras aren't supposed to be rolling… (beat) Do we HAVE to show this? I get little enough screen time as it is!
Canadibrit: (OS) Andrea…
Andrea: (mutter) Here's a clip we did with Daria and Jane – scene-stealing hacks…
Canadibrit: (OS) ANDREA!
(Scene changes to a different soundstage)
Andrea: During the last few months of 1999, Ben Yee went on what can only be described as a writing tear. One wonders how he did it.
Ben: (OS) I work without sleep.
Andrea: Ah, yes; that explains some of your plot lines.
Ben: (OS) HEY!
Andrea: Anyway, his muse departed in January, so he decided to rework his old fics in the hope of returning her. We'll now sit down with Daria and Jane to talk about the process.
(Scene changes to an empty stage with Daria and Jane sitting in director's chairs.)
Daria: I was a little leery about the whole thing.
Jane: A little?
Daria: Okay, a LOT. I mean, who does the guy think he is, George Lucas working on Star Wars?!
Jane: Careful with the sarcastic comments, I hear Canadibrit's doing the same thing.
Daria: Yes, but *her* fics are good.
Jane: You're just sore because Ben, in the grand shipper tradition, hooked you up with Trent. And Canadibrit hasn't.
Daria: Yet.
Jane: Point taken.
Daria: Anyway, the whole thing felt a little like a high school reunion.
Andrea: You mean sweetly nostalgic?
Daria: I mean coming back to relive something you didn't enjoy too much the first time through.
Jane: (changing the subject with a sledgehammer) We brought a tape with a few video clips.
Daria: First off, refilming Eye Spy.
Jane: I still say that Tim was a Mary Sue character.
(Outtake 1 – "Eye Spy")
Just as Jane and Daria were leaving the lunch line with their food, some freshman ran by, stripped to the waist, and screaming "SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK! SPUCK!"
Daria froze. "What's a spuck?!"
Jane cracked up and Tim started laughing.
Ben poked his head into the shot. "You screwed up, Tiff."
Tiff, said freshman, glared at him. "I'm sick of running back and forth yelling about silverware." Tim mutely held up a spork. "Okay, plasticware." She rolled her eyes.
Meanwhile, Daria and Jane were going back and forth in the background. "Mr. Spuck, do you detect signs of life?"
"I guess we're just spuck at this point in the script."
"These hamburgers could pass for hockey spucks."
"Tiff really spucked up."
"Yeah, she doesn't have a single spuck of brains."
"Kinda spucky. Perhaps we need the Ghostbusters."
Tiff pouted. Tim snickered. Ben rolled his eyes. "SPUCK! I mean, CUT!"
Jane: Ben nearly got into trouble about that.
Daria: That's why all you can see of poor Tiff in the final version is a motion blur.
Jane: And then there came Another Average Night.
Daria: In which he had me playing an obsolete video game.
Jane: And refused to go down the traditional shipper path of hooking me up with Jesse … THANK GOD.
Daria: Although he did have you Yenta-ing me and Trent.
Jane: Quite shamelessly, but that's Ben. Although you two didn't need me at the end.
(Daria blushes.)
Jane: Let's roll the clip.
The cameraman was rushing up to the side of Trent's car, which was rocking back and forth with odd noises coming from inside. Jane was staring from across the street. The camera man rushed up to the window and *buzz*
(Back to the main stage. Daria is heard out of shot, pummelling someone.)
Ben: (OS) OW! OW! Okay, okay, we're skipping that, now STOP HITTING ME!
Jane: Sheesh. Okay.
(Daria walks back onstage with a wry smirk.)
Jane: Anyway, nothing really funny happened during the filming of that.
Daria: Just a little … um … loss of control.
Jane: You guys were not supposed to kiss! OR anything else!
(Daria shrugs.)
Daria: Moving right along. We didn't do much on Flight of the Misery Chick.
Jane: What? Oh, Ben's Wing Commander crossover. In the immortal words of Jay Sherman, it stinks! Err… stunk.
Daria: Well, maybe not that bad.
Jane: But Ben never got any feedback for it.
Daria: A first, I'm sure.
Jane: Actually, it was. So he cancelled the sequel, which was to be an in-depth look at war's effect on the human spirit.
Daria: And very depressing. Let's take a look at a scene from it.
(Clip – The Misery Chick Rides Again)
Jane: Six more capital ships lost. Ten squadrons of fighters and over three thousand souls.
Daria: [dry] What's the bad news?
Jane: The Kilrathi are closing on Earth. We're falling back to Proxima. There's rumours of a secret weapon, but you know how rumours go.
(Back to main stage)
Jane: Plus, he planned to kill Trent in the final fight.
Daria: Ahh, Trent just wanted to chew scenery.
Jane: Next was the rewrite of his first fic.
Daria: Oh no not that one.
Jane: Ben still isn't sure where he got the title "Slow Knife." But it works somehow.
Daria: Remember that swimsuit from the tub scene? It fit fine the first time. The second time…
Jane: Roll tape!
(Behind the scenes view: "The Slow Knife".)
Only Daria's head was visible around the edge of the dressing room door. "GET BEN DOWN HERE NOW!"
Ben came in. "What's up hon?"
Daria glared. "Don't call me honey or any derivative thereof. Get costuming down here." Ben frowned at her. "This suit is too small."
"Uhh, Daria... that's the same swimsuit you wore last time. Four months ago."
"The ... top is too small; Ben, you get costuming down here now or I call my agent."
"You're a cartoon, you don't have an agent."
"My artist then, my voice actor, SOMEBODY!" *SLAM*
Ben turned around and noted the running camera. "CUT!"
(back to main stage)
Jane: Most of the rest of the rewrites were pretty fast.
Daria: (mimicking) Most of the rest of the rewrites were pretty unnecessary.
Jane: A lot of them we took care of with overdubbing. Didn't need to refilm the whole thing. Well, there was that one
thing in Crucible.
Daria: Oh yeah. Tiffany blew her line. Ninety five times.
Jane: Tiffany blows her lines even when she's not acting.
Daria: I personally think she got dropped on her head as an infant. Several times. And as a toddler. And as a preteen. And…
Jane: We got the idea. Anyway, roll film.
(Outtake: Crucible)
Sandi's voice followed. "I wonder if they're sleeping together."
Tiffany stared at the wall blankly.
Everybody froze.
Stacy poked Tiffany.
Tiffany tipped over.
Ben yelled, "CUT! Take two!"
(some time later)
"CUT! Take fifteen!"
Daria leaned over to Ben. "What say we tattoo her lines inside her eyelids?"
(a long time later)
"CUT! Take ninety-five!"
Ben was no longer even watching the scene.
Sandi delivered her line tonelessly. "I wonder if they're sleeping together." Since she was off camera, she rolled her eyes and yawned silently.
Stacy got impatient and delivered Tiffany's line for her. "Eww. That's so wrong."
Jane: The rest of the scene went flawlessly. No one wanted to do take 96.
Daria: Unfortunately, it went into the final fic that way.
Jane: So the entire scene had to be redone.
Daria: Yeah. Blech.
Jane: The real meat came when he started to write new stuff again.
Daria: Ohh God…
Jane: This one's from Disaster. ROLL TAPE.
"Jane?"
"This is going to sound kinda weird, but I'm really scared. I'm exhausted, but I'm... I'm too scared to sleep... hold me?"
Daria reached out her arms, but then they heard a voice ... "Rrrr... Feisty!"
Ben ripped off his headset. "CUT! SECURITY!!! EVICT EVICT EVICT EVICT EVICT EVICT!!!"
Upchuck stood his ground. "I'm supposed to be in this scene - dead body."
"Ever hear of Method acting Upchuck? Realism?"
"EEP." And Upchuck absented himself quite quickly.
(back to main stage)
Jane: After Disaster, Ben fell outta view again. He worked on several fics, but got nowhere. Fast.
Daria: Let's look at a couple clips from those. First, his Xmas Carol/Theatre fic, Break a Leg. This is from the scene where I meet the cast list.
There was a crowd of students around the posted cast list.
Jane and Daria looked at each other and then Jane dove into the mess. She came out barely a minute later, laughing too hard to speak. Daria looked at her narrowly … but Jane only pointed her into the crowd. As Daria's eyes fell upon the posted sheet of paper, a short yelp escaped her lips.
"PROPS! This is posted upside down!"
Jane: Next, let's look at a scene from "The Misery Chick Flies Again" a.k.a "Who was that Helmeted Chick Anyway?"
Daria: Didn't we already do that, the sequel to Flight of the Misery Chick?
Jane: Oh yes. Duh. Wonder if there'll be a blooper reel for this.
Daria: (quickly) We just finished work on his latest, "Fork in the Road."
Jane: But we had some problems there too. Roll tape!
(Behind the scenes: "Fork in the Road".)
Quinn stared at the script in her hands. "I do *what*?"
Ben sighed. "I had hoped you'd miss that."
Quinn glared at him. "I am not going to do... THAT. On camera, no less. What kinda sick are you? Have you no shame?"
"I wanted to write a more mature script."
"This is not mature, this is PORN."
"Quinn, have you SEEN some of the other scripts out there?"
"This isn't about other writers, this is about YOU."
Ben sighed again. "Fine. STUNT QUINN!"
Quinn gaped. " 'Stunt Quinn'?!"
Ben smirked. "Yep, we have prepared a stunt double. Of course, as per your contract", you won't get paid."
Quinn thought about that for a bit. She then sighed. "I guess I have to." Ben nodded. "But I'll need a drink afterwards. Be a dear sweet man and bring me a Diet Pepsi, in a crystal goblet, three pieces of ice, not four, not two unless you then put another one in, and with a slight twist of lemon. Please." Quinn smiled her most angelic smile.
Ben cocked an eyebrow. "After the scene."
Quinn went off, and Ben headed to the bar.
Some time later, an enraged scream rolled down the hallways. "HEY! This is Jolt, in a paper cup, warm, with half a lime in it! WHERE IS THAT SNEAK?!"
(back to main stage)
Daria: (chuckling) So that's what happened that day. Ben, how did you get out of that?
Ben: (OS) Get out of what?
Jane: The Wrath of Quinn.
Ben: (OS) I simply pointed out my name doesn't start with J. While she was trying to figure that one out, I just walked away.
Daria: Ah. We have one more clip, don't we?
Jane: Yup.
Trent stared, bored, at a cell phone. He tapped the keypad randomly.
Ben yelled "CUT!"
Trent fell asleep immediately. Ben kicked Trent. Hard. Trent woke up. "Uhh... sorry man. I forgot the keying."
Ben glared at Trent and tossed him a pen. "Write this on your hand. 444, 444, 46123, 333, 3658, 99890. Got that Trent? TRENT?"
Trent had fallen asleep again.
Ben: (OS) In the end, I played the damn song and we overdubbed it.
(Back to Andrea, who looks pissed off.)
Andrea: And yet AGAIN, someone's written me completely out of my role as host on this thing! What IS it with people?
Canadibrit: (OS) Look, I had to go after the script, fix the spelling mistakes, put in all the damn italics and then go back and reshoot to get it right. And he's a new author and needs the encouragement. So don't go prima donna on me. (mutter) This is going to be MURDER when it goes to code...
Andrea: This sucks.
Canadibrit: (OS) Andrea, you'll get your own back here; trust me on this.
(Andrea raises an eyebrow. There is a long pause. Then:)
Andrea: Steven Galloway, most commonly known for his "Spotlights" on the Outpost Daria message boards, recently released his first ever fanfic, "Revelations"… Shouldn't this have gone in the "Mary Sue" segment?
Canadibrit: (OS) The "Mary Sue" segment was overfull – will you stop questioning my vision?
Andrea: (shrug) Whatever. An epic tale of … (looks OS) I'm not saying this.
Canadibrit: (OS) Damn actors. No WONDER you get so few scenes. (beat) Fine, just ad-lib it!
Andrea: Overlong, overdone, over-italicised, Mary Sue character-containing…
Canadibrit: (OS) That's ENOUGH, Andrea! It's his first fic; give him a break!
(The screen fades to a dark studio with three chairs and a small, square coffee table with three glasses of water sitting on the table, all in a large spotlight, with the single chair across from the other two, separated by the table. Two figures who are familiar to the viewer come out of the dark and sit in the two far right chairs. A third figure follows them from the dark after a moment, sitting in the single chair. He turns to the camera and smiles.)
Steven: Hello, my name is Steven Galloway. You may have known me from the Outpost Daria Entertainment Channel. I usually "spotlight" the various 'Daria' writers and/or directors, inviting general discussion throughout the 'Daria' entertainment community about a certain writer's/director's work on my "Spotlight Show". Sometime last year, I decided to take the directing plunge myself, and wrote and directed my own 'Daria' feature, which started out as a small-time effort that turned into a full-length mini-series saga, "Revelations", quite possibly the longest 'Daria' TV feature film of all time. Now, I'm interviewing some of the cast members of this huge movie. (Looks to the two figures) I'm sure you in the viewing audience recognize our two stars, Daria Morgendorffer, and Jane Lane. Welcome, ladies.
Daria: (Monotone voice) Hello, Steven--we're delighted to be here.
Jane: (Ditto) Yeah, what she said.
Steven: (Smiles a little uneasily) Oh, uh, that's good. Anyway, I wanted to go over the filming of "Revelations" for our viewers with you so they could hear your thoughts about it, okay?
Daria: Yeah, sure.
Jane: Shoot.
Steven: Okay. Daria, what did you think about the plot? Was it a new approach to the past films and your TV show?
Daria: (Shrugs) Ah, I guess it was kinda different--from the plot to the long shooting schedule. You gave me and Quinn a full-blooded brother, and Jake and Helen a full-blooded son. Not many films or shows have put me in that situation, save for the "half-brother" or "half-sister" thing. (Pauses) I do know that is was one hell of a long script to remember--I've never been so damn tired in my life after a shoot. Even though it took place around my other projects at the time. (Narrows eyes) How long did it take again to shoot "Revelations"?
Steven: Uh, almost ten months. We started during the last "Drought" during the Season Three layover.
Daria: Uh-huh--and when were you supposed to finish shooting and editing?
Steven: Er, I wanted to finish in October, but then I saw something else I wanted to add--
Daria: --So you decided to stretch that "something else" into November, then December, then into January--
Steven: (Interrupting) --Ahem--moving on -- Jane, what were your thoughts on "Revelations"?
Jane: Well, I haveta admit, I did get a lot of screen time, and a dreamy new boyfriend who happened to be Daria and Quinn's brother--(mutters) better than that wimp Tom--(narrows eyes) though I didn't appear again until much later in the film. You had me in the very early parts of the movie, then regulated me to phone-speaking parts for a while.
Steven: (Rolls his eyes, chuckles) Hey, you got plenty of screen time, when you came back--
Jane: (Mutters) --Only after those damn sinkhole mud retakes did I make my return appearance, Steven.
Steven: (Glares, now in a more serious tone) Hold it--there weren't that many sinkhole mud retakes, Jane--
Jane: (Snorts) --You don't think seven retakes of the mud sinkhole scene were too much? Hey, my dermatologist told me to stay away from mud for awhile after I told him of how I got those red splotches on my face and arms! (Daria releases a small snicker, which Jane notices, and she gives a quick glare at Daria)
Steven: (Through clenched teeth) Waaaaait a minute--I remember offering you a stuntwoman for that scene! You refused!
Jane: That was when I thought we could do the scene in no less than a take--two at the most!
Steven: (Sighs) Jane, you're supposed to be a professional. You knew it could take more than two retakes to get a scene right--
Jane: (Crosses her arms, pouts, mutters) Your interpretation of a scene, you mean. (Reaches down on the table, drinks water)
Steven: (Cocks an eyebrow) Excuse me?
Daria: That's my line, Steven. (Smirks) Are you sure you weren't trying to get back at Jane for what she had said during the weekly reading of the scripts? (Pauses) And for that matter, all of those twelve rain scenes we had to retake as well? (Drinks water)
Jane: (Slow realization) Yeeeeeah! How about it, Steven?
Steven: (Looks up for a moment, exasperated sigh) Daria, Jane, we had at least ten script reading meetings! Which one are you talking about that I allegedly tried to "get back" at Jane for the retake question?
Daria: (Wicked grin) You knooooow...(looks offscreen) hey guys, roll that tape that Helen took! (Steven looks off in the direction where Daria is looking, baffled at this sudden and surprising development)
(The screen fades to dark for a moment in a flashback mode, then fades in to a plain-looking drab gray room where several cast members we recognize as Daria, Jane, and Quinn are sitting around a round white table giggling uncontrollably while the camera is wobbling slightly--obviously a hand-held one taken by Helen, who's heard giggling as well. Steven is sitting at the table red-faced, and looking angrily at Jane)
Jane: (Through her laughing) H-Hungary? HUNGARY?! Y-You m-misspelled "hungry" as "Hungary"?
Steven: (Annoyed tone) Hey, it was an honest mistake, okay? (Pauses, adds) And I spelled it right in that scene when David asked Woo to bring him some breakfast after discovering that it was no accident that Darren's parents were killed!
Jane: (While wiping her eyes, holding up her copy of the huge script) O-okay--w-what about all of these dashes and italics, huh?
Steven: (Looking through his master copy of the script frantically, flipping through the pages) Eh? What're are you talking about? I used the dashes for something of a "brief" pause when you guys spoke, for "dramatic" statements and moments, and the italics for stage directions, thought voice-overs--
Jane: (Starting to laugh even harder, holding her stomach) --And just about in every other word!
Quinn: (Jumping in, laughing, pounding on the table) Y-Yeah, Steven--y-you gotta admit, we-we kinda thought the script would've been made for Mr. DeMartino--
Daria: (She's laughing hard--use your imagination!) --Even t-though he's not even in t-this movie! I-I felt he was here in s-spirit, t-though!
Steven: (Throws script in the air) OKAY! OKAY! I SCREWED UP! LET'S ALL JUMP ON THE DIRECTOR NOW, OKAY?! (Gets up out of his chair and leaves the room, slamming the door, while the cast fall out of their chairs on the floor while laughing so hard)
(The screen returns to the dark studio with Steven and a smirking Daria and Jane)
Steven: (Rolls his eyes) That's ridiculous! I simply wanted to get all of the scenes right with those retakes! Who cares about the dashes, italics, and the "hungry/Hungary" stuff? (Snorts) You guys did pronounce "hungry" correctly anyway! Besides, all of the thorough directors do their scenes over to get it just right! (Counts on his fingers) Look at Wild, Long, Takis, Canadibrit, CrazyNutso--
Daria: (Sighs) --Steven, those guys are experienced directors who've paid their dues. You're still kinda new at this.
Jane: Daria's right. You gotta get in the "flow" of things, ya know? There's only so much one can do to try and get it right the first time.
Steven: (Grows quiet) I--I guess you're both right. I'll try to cut back on the retakes, as well as the italics, dashes, and the misspelled words, okay?
Daria: Fair enough. (Pauses) Actually, you did an okay job.
Jane: Yeah--it wasn't that bad. Didn't you have Kara Wild as your primary consultant?
Steven: (Smiles) Yes--her assistance was invaluable. She found time to give me advice while she was writing about that Smithee guy who was directing that "Abruptly Amy" tv show you guys made a tiny walk-on appearance on--
Jane: (Frowns) --Don't remind me of that, okay? I wanna forget about what happened on that crappy-ass piece of a show! (Smirks wickedly) At least I didn't have to share any screen time with Amy on your film...
Steven: (Chuckles) Sorry about mentioning that show, Jane. So, uh, if I do another one, will you guys participate? I promise if I do a follow-up, it won't be as long as this one.
Daria: (After a moment) Sure, I guess, (frowns) though I'm not gonna do anymore promos for this type of "mini-series" unless I'm promised top-dollar next time! I mean, telling me at the last crappy minute isn't gonna cut it! The head honchos where "Revelations" is premiering here on MTV had sure as hell better remember that! (Pauses, counts on her fingers) Oh yeah, and I'm going to add extra for the promo syndication rights on the Outpost Daria Network, the Kendra Network, the Nemo Network, the CrazyNutso Network, the European fee rights for the Canadibrit Network, and the Kem--
Steven: (Nervously glancing at the camera out of the side) --Thank you very much, Daria. (Grinning uneasily at Jane) I, ah, assume you will as well, Jane?
Jane: (Shrugs) No sweat. (Rolls her eyes) However, I have to agree with Daria on demanding more money, like doing those tie-in promos for our sponsors, such as Stridex face pads, Snapple sodas, Twinkies, (pauses) oh yeah, and those Romanex rubbers--(Steven's eyes grow HUGE)
Steven: (Jumps in quickly) --THANK YOU, Jane! Ha-ha! Most amusing! (Grows calmer) Well, uh, thanks for appearing here, you two--it was an honor to direct you guys. (Gets up with Daria and Jane, shakes both ladies hands)
Daria: Take it easy--(looks at her watch) crap--I gotta get back to Kara and prepare for our next TV show, "The Age of Cynicism". (Leaves)
Jane: Yeah, and I gotta make an appearance on MTV to help promote the second half of our TV season--and that extra money! See you! (Leaves)
Steven: Goodbye. (Muttering, smirking wickedly) That'll teach them to mock me on those retakes...(notices the camera, breaks out in a big grin) er, heh-heh, MOVING ON...we have the two new stars of "Revelations", Darren Appleton, and his "uncle", William Appleton! (Both men come out of the dark, and shake Steven's hand, then sit down with him) Hello, gentlemen.
Darren: Hey, Steven.
William: (Giddy) Hi, Steven!
Steven: Well, how did you find working with the established stars of 'Daria', Darren?
Darren: (Shrugs) Well, to be honest with you, Quinn was very difficult to work with. All she did when we were about to do a scene together was complain to you about getting most of the screen time, and ...
Steven: (Muttering) ...Tell me about it...(raises voice back to normal) how about Jane and Daria and the others?
Darren: Oh, Daria and Jane were terrific to work with, and being with Helen and Jake simply was heavenly. I learned a lot about how to really bring out my character--(pauses, narrows eyes) though I must admit, Steven, you did have a wee bit of too many dashes and italics on the script occurring on every other word it seemed, and you spelled "hungry" as "Hungary" on several occasions, and--
Steven: (Losing patience) --THANK you, Darren. (Turns to William, pleasant smile) And how did you like working on the set of "Revelations", William?
William: (Still in that sickeningly giddy mood, grinning) Oh, it was super, Steven! I had a fantastic time! It was fun getting into my "evil" character, and being able to plot and scheme, and such! Oh, and I had a ball with all of those practical jokes I was pulling on everyone off the set, remember, Darren? (Laughs) Boy, I remember when Benny sat down on that whoopie cushion on that couch prop, the whole set broke out in uproarious laughter!
Darren: (Cool response) Oooooooh, yeah, I remember, William--(through clenched teeth, starts to frown) how about the one where you super-glued my trailer door shut, and it began to rain, and I was stuck outside? I almost had gotten pneumonia from that rather infantile stunt you pulled! We had to stop filming for a few weeks until I could recover!
William: (Becoming quiet) Ah, oh, uh, right. (Swallows hard, looks at Steven) So, uh, are you going to need me if you do a follow-up, Steven? (Pauses, adds) I'm not--I'm not really dead, am I?
Steven: (Looks at the camera out of the corner of his eye uneasily) Why, I have no idea, William, this is not the time or the place to discuss this right now--we'll just see how this film is received, then I'll proceed in an appropriate manner, hmm?
William: (Becoming very nervous) Uh, um, of course. (Looks away)
Steven: Well, anyway, I wish to thank both of you for coming here. (Gets up with Darren and William, shakes both men's hands, then both men walk into the dark)
Darren: (Voice fading) Don't think that I'll forget about that stupid stunt you did, "Uncle Will"--when you least expect it, I'll get my "revenge"! You do realize that I didn't hold anything back when I kicked you in our final scene together, right?
William: (Voice fading as well) Oh, dear Lord--you mean--
(Steven chuckles to himself, turns to the camera, smiling)
Steven: And that concludes my interview of some of the cast members of "Revelations". Please let me know if you liked my film. (Looks around quickly, then becomes frantic, grips both of his hands, and falls down of the floor on his knees, stares at the camera wide-eyed) PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, LET ME KNOW HOW YOU LIKED IT, AND IF YOU WANT ANY MORE FOLLOW-UPS! I HAD TO USE SOME OF MY MONEY FOR COST OVERRUNS, AND--(screen slowly fades to black while Steven continues to frantically scream) NO, WAIT, DON'T CUT ME--(screen goes off)
(Back to Andrea.)
Canadibrit: (OS) Happy now?
Andrea: (small smirk) Oh yeah.
(Black screen. White writing reads, "Mary Sue, Self-Insert and 'Newbie' Characters")
Andrea: Next up, a look at Mary Sue, self-insert and 'new' characters that authors make up even though there's a perfectly good character that almost NEVER gets used…
Canadibrit: (OS) Andrea…
Andrea: And who better to start off such a segment but Canadibrit. She's written two seasons worth of series in the last nine months. (mutter) Show-off. (aloud) Anyway, she does the self-insert thing or the Mary Sue thing or WHATEVER you want to call Lynn Cullen and even manages to find room for a 'creepy Satanic Goth chick', which is more than I can say for some of those other so-called…
Canadibrit: (OS) Andrea! I said you could do this host thing so long as you promised not to get vituperative about that!
Andrea: (sigh) Canadibrit's biggest problems were with "Rue Britannia". Well, when you're flying cast members in for on-location shooting, there are bound to be difficulties.
(Snow, then show the arrivals lounge at Gatwick airport from the point of view of a hand-held digital video camera. Canadibrit is sitting on a chair, looking impatient. Enter Lynn with coffee.)
Lynn: Still no sign of them, huh?
Canadibrit: Don't start with me. (under her breath) Damn on-location filming; it's so much easier when I go THERE…
Lynn: Haven't you written them arriving at Heathrow?
Canadibrit: Yes. I prefer Heathrow. It's not a two-building rat maze.
AP: (OS) No. It's a one-building rat maze.
PA: (uncertain) Will … uh … Canadibrit … Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, waiting for … a bunch of slightly flaky-looking American teenagers … please report to the information desk in the North Terminal.
AP: (OS) And this is the…
Canadibrit: (head in hands) South terminal, I know, I know, I know. NOW do you see why I prefer Heathrow? (beat) Oh, turn that damn thing off, AP.
(Scene: Faceless airport arrivals lounge. Daria and Jane, slightly green and weaving, stand with Lynn facing Lorna. Mystik Spiral and AP follow with luggage carts.)
Lynn: But Jane discovered the joys of a lower legal drinking age and the fact that no one in England cares anyway and…
Lorna: Wasted?
(Daria and Jane go greener and slightly panicked. Lynn shoves them blindly at a door marked "Ladies" … but it doesn't open, and Daria and Jane hit the door face first. They collapse to the floor, and Lynn and Lorna stare at them for a moment.)
Lynn: At this point, saying 'inelegantly' would be a pointless *bleep*ing waste of time…
(Scene: Lorna's van. Daria and Lynn look bored. Car horns can be heard honking in the background.)
Daria: The script calls for you to be speeding and yelling at drivers.
Lynn: Yeah, well, she forgot about rush hour traffic, didn't she?
(pause)
Lynn: (singing) I like traffic lights … I like traffic lights … I like traffic lights … no matter where they've been…
Daria: Shut up.
Lynn: (singing) I like traffic lights… I like traffic lights … I like traff… (Daria slaps her upside the head.) OW! *bleep* you too!
(Scene: Camden Electric Ballroom. Jesse, Nick and Max dancing. Over the music, we hear shouting.)
Canadibrit: (OS) CUT! DAMNIT, WHERE'S TRENT?
(Camera pans in a 'looking for someone' motion, then zooms in on a short flight of stairs towards the back. On the upper landing, Trent is engaged in serious lip-lock with a girl wearing a black feathery corset and leather skirt.)
Canadibrit: TRENT! WE'RE SHOOTING HERE! YOU SNOGGING SOME ANNE RICE REJECT BIMBO KIND OF DETRACTS FROM THE "I LOVE DARIA" THEME I'VE SET FOR YOU HERE!
(Trent, not breaking off the kiss, raises his middle finger at the camera.)
Canadibrit: OH, AREN'T *YOU* THE SOUL OF COURTESY! Hold this, will you?
(The camera is handed off to someone and then Canadibrit moves into the shot, takes the stairs two at a time, grabs Trent by the scruff of the neck and hauls him through a doorway. Over the music, the dim sounds of toppling furniture, cries of pain and a delivered pummelling can be heard.)
AP: (OS) That HAD to hurt…
(Scene: Lorna's flat, corridor. Lynn looks decided, then bangs on the door in front of her.)
Lynn: Um … Trent? You okay?
(Trent sticks his head out the door.)
Trent: Daria?
Lynn: No, I…
(Trent kisses her. After a brief second, she is kissing back. He pulls her inside … and there is the heavy *thump* noise of two people hitting the floor quite hard.)
Lynn: (OS) OW! Damnit, Trent!
Trent: (OS) Sorry; you caught me off-guard.
Lynn: (OS; annoyed) CB – how many times have we had to do this scene because the Narcolepsy Kid here tipped over?
Canadibrit: (OS) This would be take 46.
Trent: (OS) Well … you're heavy.
Lynn: (OS; enraged) WHAT? Why you skinny-assed piece of *bleep*!
Trent: (OS) Hey, look, *I* didn't ask to do this *bleep*ing scene!
Lynn: (OS) And I DID? Get over yourself, Trent – just because you think you're fanfic's biggest heartthrob…
Trent: (OS) And who else? Upchuck? Kevin? That Tom *bleep*?
(Daria and AP walk into shot.)
Daria: Aren't you going to stop this?
AP: You KNOW they'll be at it for hours.
Canadibrit: (OS; sigh) You remember LAST time I tried to stop one of their little spats?
(Daria and AP wince.)
AP: I'm gonna go get a coffee.
Daria: I'm going … anywhere but here.
(They walk off, we hear Canadibrit sigh once more, and then we break to snow again.)
(Back to Andrea)
Andrea: And to continue the Lynn Cullen love-a-thon, we have Jill Palmer's fics.
Canadibrit: (OS) ANDREA!
Andrea: (sigh) Why didn't you just cut the TLAS 1.5 ones, anyway, after that...
Canadibrit: (OS) Because I don't want to create a scene, I don't want to hurt her feelings and I don't want this mentioned again, now shut up and let me run the clips!
Andrea: Have you ever considered giving up coffee?
Canadibrit: (OS) I'd die. Moving on...
(Outtake 1 - "Hey, You Look Like Jane!")
Sara: Who wants to know?
Daria: Daria Morgendorffer. Straight B English student and - um - (snickers) someone who likes to forget her lines! (both start laughing)
Jill: (OS) CUT!
(Outtake 2 - "Hey, You Look Like Jane!")
Sara: O'Neill. English.
Daria: Hoo boy. Well, if you won't answer to Jane, try Serena, Stella, or - (awkward pause, look on Daria's face says "I forgot it *again!*") oh, shit.
Sara: Actually, I'd rather *not* try that last one. (both start laughing)
Jill: (OS) CUT! For the fifth time, Daria, the last name is *Sandy!*
(Outtake 3 - "Hey, You Look Like Jane!")
Lynn: Hey Trent. What time is it?
(Trent looks at his wrist, expecting a watch, but there is none.)
Trent: Don't know. Must've left my watch in my room again.
Jill: (OS) CUT! Trent, go get your watch.
(Outtake 4 - "Jackboot Horoscope")
AP: I second that motion.
Jane: She probably hasn't bought the thing yet. I give it till... um... later?
Jill: (OS) CUT! Nice try, Jane. This time around, go for "just after next period".
(Outtake 5 - "Jackboot Horoscope")
Li: (waving paper in Lynn's face) What is the meaning of this, Ms. Cullen?
Lynn: Um... (awkward pause) Big deal, it's the school paper? (starts laughing)
Jill: (OS) CUT!
(Outtake 6 - "New Direction")
Jane: Is that bouncy hair I see, Quinn?
Daria: (deadpan) Gasp!
Quinn: Uh - (awkward pause) I don't know, I can't see it?
Jill: (OS) CUT! Quinn, do us all a favor and go read the script.
Quinn: Okay!
(Outtake 7 - "New Direction")
(Instead of stopping upon sight of Lawndale's newest "Fashion Don'ts", Tiffany walks right past them.)
Jill: (OS) CUT! Tiffany, you're supposed to *stop* when you see Quinn and Stacy.
Tiffany: Um... why?
Jill: (still OS, exasperated sigh) Because they're dressed out of normal is why!
Tiffany: Um... okay.
(Cut to a blank screen. Jill, a 13-year-old girl with brown hair and eyes, Daria-ish glasses, and wearing a "Barenaked Ladies" concert T-shirt, is there to tell you about the rest of this blooper.)
Jill: It took 50 takes to get that scene right. *Fifty damn takes!* When Tiffany *did* stop, she started talking to Quinn and Stacy, not even noticing who they were sitting with. When we finally got it right, I asked Daria to remind me never to give Tiffany such a big role again.
(Back to Andrea)
Andrea: She should have known THAT anyway… Anyway, for a different take on the Mary Sue, we go to J's "Don't Call Him Hearing Impaired series" … again, in which I play no part at all. (beat) Damien Kinsington and various other relations are interesting, but when you're dealing with sign language, things aren't always easy.
(Outtake 1 – "Damien's Day")
CUT TO: Daria, who looks at Damien, turns around, and suddenly gets a look of comprehension.
Jane: What?
Daria: (getting up) I think I've found his problem.
CUT TO: Damien's desk. He has his head down. Daria's back appears on the right side of the screen. A couple beats later, he nods his head. five or six seconds later, he covers his mouth in an attempt to stifle a laugh.
J: (offscreen) CUT!
(He walks onscreen)
J: Daria, (he takes his index fingers, crooks them, and connects them at the middle joints to form an X, he then flips his hands over to make an X from the other side) this is the sign for friend. *This* (he makes the same sign, but he uses his index and middle fingers) means to *bleep*.
Daria: (wide eyed) Oh sh*bleep*.
Damien: (upchuck faced, signing) So, when do you get off work?
(Daria glares at him. J just rolls his eyes.)
J: O.K. Let's try this again.
(Outtake 2 – "No More Deviants")
CUT TO: An extreme close up of Damien, with said hands giving him a Dutch rub. Suddenly, one hand slips and hits him in the nose, causing it to bleed. Damien screams.
J: Oh *bleep* (walks onscreen, signing to Damien) Damien? Pinch the bridge of your nose. Now tilt your head forward. I'll get some gauze.
Daria: You know first aid?
J: Matt's not the only one who takes care of his actors. (looks around) Alright, Let's wait for the bleeding to stop, then we'll try again.
Andrea: (VO) Unfortunately, These are pretty much all the outtakes the director had to offer.
CUT TO: J, who's sitting in a director's chair.
J: Those are the three most interesting clips I can offer up for sacrifice. The rest were clips that were either too monotonous to be interesting, or clips that are bleeped out so much that they sound like someone was speaking in Morse code. So, what I did was buy a video camera, and kinda film the drama that goes on behind the scenes, ya know?
CUT TO: Daria
Daria: (angry) He WHAT?!
J: (offscreen) You heard me. Didn't you see that stagehand walking around filming everything?
(Daria puts her head in her hands.)
Andrea: (Offscreen) Oh, just roll the clips.
(Behind the scenes – the "Don't Call Him Hearing Impaired" series)
Mara Kinsington and Daria are sitting in director's chairs. Mara is obviously teaching Daria how to sign her lines. Damien comes up behind them. Mara shows him something in the script. Damien frowns and stalks off.
Daria: What?
Mara: Nothing, he really wanted to say that line.
A grinning Damien walks back onscreen. He signs something to Mara, who laughs and signs back...
Mara: No! I'm not having her say that.
Daria: What does he want me to say?
Mara: He wants you to say a line about marijuana and beer.
Daria: Interesting child you have.
Mara: You have no idea.
-----
(The cast is assembled for a table read. White writing at the bottom of the screen says "Table read for Damien's Day")
DeMartino: DAMIEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!
Damien starts signing what we think is his line. a couple seconds later J speaks up.
J: Hold it. I am *not* having him say *that*
(Damien, not realising that J stopped the read, keeps signing.)
J: Um...Damien…
(No response.)
J: Damien…
(Still no response. The entire cast suddenly screams out.)
Everyone: DAMIEN!!!
(Finally, Jane taps Damien on the shoulder and points to J.)
J: (signing and speaking) Well, now that I have your attention.
Damien: Dammit, I keep forgetting you speak sign language.
(J just smirks)
-----
(Black screen. White writing on the bottom, right hand corner reads "No More Deviants, 7:23 p.m.")
J's voice: He's not here?
(Scene open's up, revealing J and Jane standing around.)
Jane: He's not here.
J: (in a "Let me get this straight" tone) He's not here.
Jane: That's what I just said. He's not here.
J: What do you mean he's not here?
Jane: I'm telling you. Trent's not here.
J: Well, where the hell is he?
Jane: Do you really have to ask?
CUT TO: Outside a hotel room. We hear very loud snoring.
CUT BACK TO: The set.
(J sighs)
J: (to Jane) You know, there *are* clinics that can help narcoleptics.
Jane: Yeah, and I'm sure he'd go to one...if it didn't compromise his nap schedule.
J: (sighs again.) Find him. I don't give a sh*bleep* how, just find him.
Jane: (mock salutes him) Aye captain.
CUT TO: J and Daria, who are sitting in director's chairs. clock on the bottom of the screen reads "8:30"
CUT TO: same scene, only the clock now reads "10:42"
CUT TO: Clock reads "11:01"
(Jane finally reenters.)
Jane: No luck.
(J looks like he's about to kill someone. He looks at his watch.)
J: Ya know? *bleep* it (he motions to one of the makeup girls) Could you come with me for a bit?
CUT TO: Daria and Jane, who are on the set of the Zen, looking bored and tired. She sees someone who looks almost exactly like Trent, clothes and everything, walk past.
Jane: Hey Trent. Where the hell were you? We've been waiting forever.
("Trent" opens his mouth, where it's revealed that it's actually J)
J: Trent's still missing. Tell him that, in the event he sees me, he'd better run like hell if he values his life.
(He gets up onstage with the band. He goes to the microphone.)
J: (sounding almost exactly like Trent) How do I sound?
Daria: Good enough. I don't think anyone will notice.
J: Cool. (To the cinematographer, the cameramen, and all the cast and crew) We ready?
(They all nod in the affirmative. Miranda gives the signal)
Miranda: ACTION!
(Black screen. White writing reads "The Cutting Room Floor".)
Andrea: Sometimes a writer writes something into a fic that will never be seen in the finished product. Like this musical number from Kara Wild's "Abruptly Amy". (beat) Thank GOD.
(Cut scene – "Abruptly Amy – The Spin-off That Never Was.")
SCENE 6 (Barksdale Bake Sale, the next day)
(Shot of the outside. A large banner hangs in the window, which reads HOME TO THE ONE-AND-ONLY HAPPY DAPPY SUPER DOUGH! GUARATEED TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE NEW!! Just then a man walks up to the window and reads the sign thoughtfully. He shrugs his shoulders and opens the front door.)
(Cut to shot of the inside. As soon as the man walks through the front door, jazzy music starts to play, similar to the music from the song "Broadway." He walks up to the counter, where Amy, Ruth, Rita, and Andrea are all standing.)
Man: (singing) Saw your sign
What's this I hear?
You've got the baked good
Of the year?
Some happy dough
Some snappy dough?
Some scrumptious and
Lip-smacky dough?
Ruth: (singing) Ask Am-ee
She'll give you the scoop.
Rita: (singing) She invented
This miracle goop.
Amy: (singing) Oh you guys
You're too kind.
But please, dear sir
If you don't mind --
May I ask you a question?
Man: Whatever for?
Amy: May I ask you a question?
Man: All right -- sure.
Amy: What kind of problem
Do you have today?
What kind of problem
Could we take away?
Man: Well I don't know
If I should tell you.
But what the heck --
My marriage is through.
My wife plans to sue.
My tire just blew.
My dog's at the vet 'cause
She couldn't poo.
Ruth/Rita/Andrea: Ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!
Amy: Well, dear sir
Then this is for *you*.
(She hands him a spoonful of the dough, which he eats slowly. Then, after several seconds, his face lights up, and he jumps in the air and spins around in a circle.)
Man: WHOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Oh... My God
That was *amazing*.
Lady, you're a genius!
This is the best
That I have felt in *years*!
Please, I must
Know your secret.
I'll pay you a *fortune* --
Amy: (smiling serenely) I've got a better idea -- how 'bout we put you on a running tab?
(Cut to shot of the outside of the bakery. The man bursts out the door smiling, as the jazzy music picks up once more. He runs up to the first person he meets.)
Man: Buy it *now*
Before it goes stale.
The miracle dough
At the Bake Sale!
Woman: The old Bake Sale
That thing's still here?
Thought that Big Harrv
Made it disappear.
Man: Oh no, it's here.
It's very much here.
Man 2: What's that, you say?
Woman: He said the Bake Sale.
Man 2: The Bake Sale is what?
Man: I said
It hasn't gone
A-waaaay.
And it has dough
That you *have* to try.
Man 3: What kind of dough
Could be worth this cry?
[what follows: a series of small scenes throughout town, showing that word has spread.]
(Back to Andrea)
Andrea: Or the lost prologue to Jill Palmer's "Absentee".
(Cut scene – "Absentee")
Sitting at a table by herself in Good Times Chinese Restaurant, a teenage girl contemplated her situation.
She was sure word would be out the instant she left. After all, Holiday Island *was* a small community. She was just positive someone had overheard her and X discussing plans. Then again, that may have merely been her natural-borne paranoia kicking in.
She knew she couldn't stay gone forever. That was the only bad part. She and X had decided on two weeks before her night to shine as her returning date. That way, she had a good chance of finding a guitarist for their band, and would still be back on time.
Another up-side was getting the hell out of Happy Valley for a little while. As X put it when he ran into tourists, "Have *you* ever been forced to spread love and joy 24 hours a day?"
She finished off her subgum wanton, and headed towards the ladies' room, payment and tip left on the table. Once in the restroom, she looked in the mirror, making sure what little makeup she had on was intact.
Or so an onlooker would have thought.
One minute she was there, and the next, she wasn't.
(Black screen. White writing reads "The 'Drawer' Fics".)
Andrea: What the hell's a 'Drawer' fic?
Canadibrit: (OS) It's one of those ones that people are taking their own sweet time about finishing. Or ones that won't EVER get finished. They get stuck in a drawer and forgotten.
Andrea: Oh, you mean like all that stuff we got from John Berry.
Canadibrit: (OS) What do you think I CREATED this segment for? There's five PAGES of John Berry 'Drawer fic' and I had to put them SOMEWHERE!
Andrea: Oh. (beat) Well, we've explained it. Roll clips!
(Work in Progress – "Lover's Lane")
(Int. Morgendorffer kitchen.)
(Breakfast. Even Jake is poking at his meal.)
Daria: Dad? You're at the table without a newspaper in sight. What's the occasion?
(No response.)
Helen: Your father's renewing his license today. He stayed up all last night memorizing one of your old Driver's Ed books.
Quinn: Oh, God. I remember the last time...
Daria: And he isn't nervous or anything, I notice.
Helen: Um, he's still not quite awake. It hasn't hit him full force yet.
(Daria and Quinn consider this a second, then inch their chairs away from their father.)
Helen: That's probably a good idea.
(Work in Progress – "Make Me Laugh")
Daria sprung from her bed, her usual chipper self. She slid gleefully down the banister for a home-cooked breakfast and engaging in a cheerful conversation with her mother.
"Well, hi there, Sunshine. What are you so happy about?"
"Well, Mom, I really don't know! I guess I'm just so happy to be alive! I hope I never return to my negative self."
"That's wonderful! Someday, the boys will be flocking to the door for you, and no one will judge you by your frown!"
"I sure would like that, Mother," smiled Daria.
Then she woke up from the most monstrous nightmare she could ever remember.
Daria reached for her glasses, noticing that she had just awakened merely minutes from when the alarm was set and realizing that she couldn't get back to sleep after such a dream. "I sure hope that wasn't an omen of things to come... I'm not sure if I could stomach it."
"I'm still shivering," said Daria.
"I hafta admit that you have guts," replied Jane. "I sure wouldn't want to leave my bed after something like that."
"I take it Trent has plenty of nightmares then?"
"No... he usually falls asleep upside-down in his closet... I don't know why..."
Daria and Jane conversed on their way to school. There was light snow upon their surroundings, yet they travelled on foot.
"Y'know," Jane continued. "I hear that dreams can be omens of things to come."
"Oh, really?"
"Ch'yeah!"
"Huh. Maybe I should phone the Psychic Hotline about this."
"Yeah, I can see it now. 'Confucius say "A fool and his money are soon parted." Ha ha. Bye.'"
Each entered the Lawndale High and traveled to their separate homerooms to discover a message taped to the doors:
'Midterm Best & Worst Awards. Pleese report to the auditorium.'
The pair regrouped and headed down the hall.
"'Best & Worst Awards'?" questioned Daria.
"Don't you listen to the morning announcements?" asked Jane.
"...There are morning announcements?" her friend joked.
"The school's been hyping it for a couple of weeks. Basically, they give you a piece of paper saying 'You're good at this, but what's it matter' or 'You-suck-you-suck-you-suck!' I think it's supposed to help people work harder by patting them on the back or threatening them."
"But the ones who are doing well will continue to, while the stupid ones automatically think 'award' equals 'good.' The point would be?"
"Ah, our parents' precious tax dollars at work."
"My parents', anyway."
"Hey, now."
They came to the auditorium doorway.
"I heard they will even award a couple staff members," noted Jane.
"...They misspelled 'please' on the notice," Daria commented.
No sooner did they enter did the intercom crackle to life. "Dara Murganduufer to the office, please."
Daria simply stared at her companion. "That's two," she sighed.
Daria turned back, the office being completely on the other side of the building. Jane took her seat near the end of the row, next to Jodie and Mack. The seats were nearly filled with the students and staff sans the principal, who was on stage.
"Whoever designed this school shall be receiving a 'present' in the mail soon," Daria grumbled as she dragged herself halfway in the direction of the office. The slippery slush that collected on the floor from the unwiped feet of the school residents didn't help either.
"Start... one... two... three... START!... one... two... three... START!... onetwothreeSTART!..." Jane tried as best she could to keep herself awake, awaiting the beginning of the ceremony. "Please start... start, dammit!... Starrrrrrrrrrrrt START!... Begin... Come forth with thy opening statement..."
"Jane?" said Jodie.
"Start?" asked Jane.
"It's getting old."
"Start," Jane agreed.
"We may now begin, if everyone is here," said the principal.
"WOO-HOO!" shouted Jane while the crowd was quieting. Their silence was immediate, though, as Jane was the only one to shout. She slowly slouched over in her chair amidst the stares.
"I'll take that as a 'yes'," commented Principal Li. She then continued.
"Finally here," praised Daria as she entered the office doors. Someone else was just exiting. "Hey, who are you?" she asked the girl. "I don't recognize you."
"Oh, I'm new here. I'm Dara. Dara Murganduufer. Pleased to meet you."
Daria bit her lip and shook hands. "Uh, yeah. Talk to ya later?"
"Sure."
Dara left, leaving Daria to slam her head on the counter a few times.
"May I help you?" asked the secretary.
"...Kevin Thompson for 'All Athlete and Nothing But'," droned Ms. Li.
Kevin held up his arms and ran down the aisle. "Alriiiiiiiiight!"
"Shall I remind you, Mr. Thompson," said the principal. "That this is an award-"
"Alriiiiiiiiiight!"
"-For no excellence whatsoever in the bounds of education."
"... Alriiiiiiiiiight!"
Jane smirked. "If Daria can see the future, I don't think she'll be none too pleased as to the fulfilment of her nightmare."
"What nightmare?" asked Jodie.
"Later."
"Jodie Landon: 'Most Extra-Curricular Activities,'" said Ms. Li.
"Mind if I duh?" asked Jane as Jodie shuffled past her to the podium.
"You'd better settle in," commented Mack. "I think she had a prepared speech.
"Happy happy, joy joy."
Somewhat winded and none-too-pleased, Daria made her way back to the auditorium. "I hate to credit people as stupid only for it to backfire like this."
She reached her hand towards the door as the secretary once again spoke via intercom: "Daria Morgendorffer to the office, please."
"The irony gods must love to hate me... they've even gotten me to talk to myself." She turned around once again and backtracked.
Jodie made her way back to her seat as Ms. Li called the next winner.
"I'm sure the three intelligent students in this entire school would've enjoyed that speech," commented Jane.
"Thanks I guess. That reminds me, where's Daria?"
Jane had no time to reply, as her name was called up. "Jane Lane for 'Best Art Student.'"
"Ah, yes. My fans await." Jane made her way to the podium.
She cleared her throat as she accepted the paper. "Ahem. I won this. You didn't. Thank you." She walked back to her seat as a few confused claps came from the audience.
Daria finally made her way inside, shuffled past the seats, and took her spot next to Jane. Ms. Li continued listing names as those mentioned came to the stage.
"You missed your name being called up," said Jane.
"Yes?"
"'Most Punctual.'"
"You're lucky I'm not nominated for 'Most Violent.'"
"What were you called down for?"
"My mom forgot to give me an excuse to leave early for a dental check-up. Did I miss anything good?"
"Quinn got violent when Sandi was awarded as 'Fashion Nut.'"
"Damn. Still, I'll get to see how Mom and Dad will take this."
"Fair's fair I guess. I see the carnage, you observe the results."
Ms. Li mentioned another award winner. "'Most Intellectual Student... this one was a close one... Daria Morgendorffer!"
Daria made her way to the stage, accepted the paper, and started to return to her seat.
"Isn't there anything you'd like to say?" asked Ms. Li.
Daria blinked and walked to the podium. "Well... this'll help me get a college by one step, I suppose... I know most of you don't really care about this, and frankly, it is presently just a piece of paper. A paper nobody has ever taken pride in; never hung on their walls. This will never up my social status, but at least society isn't worth being accepted into. What I guess I'm trying to say is, this isn't a cherished award so much is it just there. Tomorrow, nobody will be caring about the awards they've received, and I don't right now." Daria began to step down, paused, and tilted her head back to the microphone. "Oh, and, uh, roast in hell. Thank you." She then returned to her seat.
Ms. Li stammered for a moment before beginning the faculty's awards.
"That encore was a teensy bit uncalled for, wasn't it?" asked Jane.
"I'm not in my best mood today," Daria replied.
"What *is* your best mood?"
Daria paused. "...I'm not in my best mood today."
Principal Li continued. "'Best Faculty Member' is... Why, it's me."
All teachers in the room moaned.
* * *
Daria sat back in the dentist's chair, mouth wide open. This time without words coming out of it!
The dentist had put in a vacuum tube to suck up saliva while he prodded with several tools.
"So," he started. "Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?"
"Isha dah ah bah tata stah ah cohfahsaythuh?" asked Daria.
"How is this a bad time to start a conversation?"
Daria pondered a moment. "Neffuh mah."
* * *
Quinn, having finished an examination, went into the process of choosing glass frames. She fingered through a catalog: "Ooo, this one's pretty."
"We're out of those," noted a clerk.
"Oh. Well this one's nice."
"Out."
"Uh... this one looks chic... though it clashes with my hair color, but I can dye it... or can you change the color of the frames?"
"No, and we're out anyway."
"And you're not dyeing your hair," chimed in Helen."
"Oh," Quinn said. "This?"
"Out."
"This?"
"Out."
"This-this-this-this-this-this-this-this-this?"
"Out-out-out-out-out-out-out-out-out."
Quinn had practically given up. "...Don't you *ever* restock?"
"They're just well loved designs."
"Fine." Quinn, finally submitting herself to a possible unfashionable fate, simply closed her eyes and randomly pointed at a page.
"Those we have."
"*Finally*! Now what'd I pick here?"
"Sorry, we need that back." The clerk swiped the book before Quinn could get a good look. "We need this so the others know what you want. We'll have your glasses done in... *about* an hour."
"Fine," said Helen. "Quinn, you can use this opportunity to choose a case."
"Oh goodie!" Quinn suddenly realized something. "Did you notice something eerie about the way he emphasized 'about'?"
* * *
Three hours later the glasses were collected, along with Daria.
"Ohh, this is so cute," Quinn commented on her glass case. "It matches perfectly with my ensemble! Did you notice the lining on this? It sorta clashes with the rest of the case, but in a good way, y'know?"
"So," said Daria. "How do your *glasses* look?"
"Say, y'know, since Mom was in such a damn hurry to leave, I never really got to check." She opened her case with an almost immediate scream.
"I somehow take it that that wasn't a 'this is so cute' scream." Daria turned to find the source of agony, as Quinn's glasses were exactly like her own. "Well, well, well. Now we can go out together, two of a kind."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Plenty of siblings dress alike."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
"Want to borrow some of my clothes? I'm sure I have an extra jacket."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
"QUINN, PLEASE!! I CAN'T CONCENTRATE WITH ALL THIS NOISE!!!!!" shouted their mother.
"I suppose we'd better do as she says and not as she does," Daria whispered to her sister.
(Back to Andrea)
Andrea: You mean Austin Loomis writes something besides TLAS prose adapts?
Canadibrit: (OS) He wrote the prose adapt to Guerin's "No Nudes is Good Nudes", didn't he? What rodent crawled up YOUR butt and died?
Andrea: "One Band or Another"?
Canadibrit: (OS) Not another word, Andrea.
Andrea: You take all the fun out of living.
Canadibrit: If you can glorify what you do with that term…
(Andrea scowls.)
(Work in Progress – "One Band or Another")
SEMI-STANDARD SOUTH PARK FANFIC DISCLAIMER: All characters and events in this fanfic, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional. All celebrities are impersonated... poorly. The following fanfic contains coarse language and, due to its content, should not be read by anyone.
[To the strains of "You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora, we see the standard _Daria_ opening sequence, but rather than the clean-lined, only-semi-cartoony animation _Daria_ viewers have come to expect from Korean slave labor, it's done in the _South Park_ style, a sophisticated computer simulation of crude construction-paper cut-outs: Daria Morgendorffer in a movie theatre, staring flatly at the screen as everyone around her laughs; Daria missing a volleyball shot as Stacy Rowe and Tiffany Blum-Deckler glare at her; Daria blowing a whistle to get QB Kevin Thompson and cheerleader Brittany Taylor off her locker; Daria at a Middleton football game in winter, remaining calmly in her seat as father Jake, mother Helen and cute kid sister Quinn stand up and cheer; Daria missing another volleyball shot; Daria at a wedding, nonchalantly reading the paper as the rest of her family sniffles; Daria watching as Stacy and Tiffany collide in their desperate attempt to intercept the volleyball before it can get past her again; Daria in extreme close-up, smiling her Mona Lisa smile. Zoom into DARIA logo, then zoom it up into a corner of the screen, revealing the SOUTH PARK sign/logo in the other upper corner and the Stereo Hi-Fi words: "in `One Band or Another (One Band Town, v.1.3)' by Austin Loomis"]
(Scene 1: Parkstock '99. An outdoor amphitheatre in snowy South Park, CO, where Vinyl Flap, who want to be an industrial/gothic rock band when they grow up, are churning out a lame rendition of Orgy's cover of New Order's "Blue Monday," making it into bubbleglum drone crap that's about as exciting as a houseplant. The drummer sure can sweat, though. Finally, the lead singer and guitarist, BIFF BHOPAL, a moody pretty-boy who obviously *wants* to look like Marilyn Manson but comes off more like a cross between Orgy's Jay Gordon and Goo Goo Dolls frontman John Rzeznik, whines his way to the end of the song.)
Biff: o/~ How does it feel? Tell me how should I feel? Baby, how does it feel? To treat me like you do? o/~ [one last chord] Okay, that's our show. I'm Biff Bhopal, and we're Vinyl Flap. Thank you for coming, and goodnight, South Park.
(Reverse angle on the auditorium. Only about a dozen people, most of them blissfully asleep. Down in the front row, ERIC CARTMAN is standing on his seat and clapping like a maniac, as his three little friends -- STAN MARSH, KYLE BROSLOFSKI and KENNY McCORMICK -- stare at him with dismayed expressions.)
Cartman: Yeah-hoo! Vinyl Flap kicks ass!
Stan: That's a joke, right? If those guys were any weaker, they'd be doing Michael Jackson covers!
Cartman: You take that back, butt-bandit! Biff is the greatest musician this sorry-ass burg has ever laid ears on!
Stan: Dude, the whole band could be clones of Monica Lewinsky and they *still* wouldn't suck half as hard as they do now!
Kyle: Yeah. Just because your cousin's the lead singer doesn't mean they're the greatest thing since sliced Smurfs.
Cartman: Don't make me crack open a can of whoopass on you turd-biters!
Kyle: Don't you mean a can of *fat*-ass?
Cartman: I'm not fat, goddammit! I'm big-boned!
Stan: No, Kyle, he means he'll open a can of ass crack!
Kenny: Knuf ssa fo nac a snaem eh kniht i.
Kyle: A can of ass funk? That's disgusting, Kenny!
Stan: Yeah. Sweet!
(They all laugh, even Cartman.)
(Scene 2: the Mayor's office. MAYOR McDANIELS and two generic FLUNKIES.)
Mayor: And *nobody* bought tickets for the other days of Parkstock?
Flunky #1: Given that Vinyl Flap was the only band we could get...
Mayor: How the hell did *that* happen?
Flunky #2: They're the only rock band in town, ma'am. Everyone else has left for greener pastures.
Mayor: What about out-of-towners?
Flunky #1: Those appear to fall into two main categories, ma'am -- the ones who don't want to play here because they've never heard of South Park, and the ones who refused to come because they *have* heard of South Park.
Mayor: What about the bands that came for Chef Aid?
Flunky #2: They mostly fall in the second category now, ma'am.
Mayor: So basically, we're screwed.
Flunky #1: To the wall, ma'am.
Flunky #2: Maybe not.
Mayor/Flunky #1: (simultaneously) huh?
Flunky #2: I just remembered something Summer told me.
Flunky #1: Summer...that's the divorcee you're seeing in Denver, right? The blonde whose kids keep running away?
Flunky #2: That's right. She's mentioned a few times that her brother has his own garage band back in their hometown. The whole "starving artist" thing. It's called Mystik Spiral.
Mayor: Do you think they'd be desperate enough to come to South Park?
Flunky #2: From what Summer says about this "Trent," he sounds pretty fucking desperate, ma'am. Pardon my French.
Mayor: Then it's settled. Have your precious Summer get in touch with her brother and invite...Mystic Spiral, wasn't it?
Flunky #2: Yes it is, ma'am. Mystik with a K.
(Scene 3: the streets of Lawndale. (Animation style shifts from _South Park_ style to _Daria_ style.) DARIA MORGENDORFFER and JANE LANE walking from audience-left to audience-right.)
Jane: Okay, let's review the bidding. Your cousin Erin is pregnant?
Daria: Right. She and her husband are having a baby shower at their place up in Delaware.
Jane: So Brian went back to her after all? Shows remarkable fortitude.
Daria: That's what *I* said. She's declaring a three-day gathering of all the Barksdale women and their surviving mates. That means me, mom and dad, Quinn, Aunt Rita, and Grandma Barksdale.
Jane: Sounds like a suburb of hell. Is your Aunt Amy going to be there? From what you've said, she sounds pretty cool.
Daria: She'll only be there for the shower itself. She's going to be in New York on business the rest of the time.
Jane: So you'll be doing the color commentary all by yourself. Sounds wonderful.
Daria: Yeah, a wonderful way to get cut out of grandma's will.
Jane: And you told your family we had something planned that you'd rather be at?
Daria: Yeah. So do you?
Jane: Ask me again after I've checked the mail.
(They have arrived in front of Casa Lane by now, and Jane opens the mail-box and extracts its contents.)
Jane: (leafs through mail) Let's see...postcard from Penny...Wind's getting married again...dad's backpacking across Honshu, wherever *that* is...
Daria: The main island of Japan.
Jane: ...no kidding? You learn something dumb every day...and something from Summer, for Trent! This *is* an experience!
Daria: What's it say?
Jane: (reads it) Your prayers have been answered.
(Scene 4: The basement, where the four members of Mystik Spiral – TRENT LANE, JESSE MORENO, NICHOLAS CAMPBELL and MAX TYLER -- are all flailing away at their song "From the Futon.")
Trent & Jesse: o/~ From the futon/From the futon/Everything's always so low/From the futon/From the futon/I'm in limbo...how low can I go? o/~
Jane: Yo! Trent!
(The music trails off in a squeal of feedback. Jane and Daria are at the bottom of the stairs.)
Trent: Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria.
Daria: Hey yourself.
Jane: Postcard from Summer. Have a look.
Trent: (takes it) Okay. (reads) Cool. (to band) Hey, guys. My sister says there's a concert that needs a band. Out in South Park, Colorado. They asked for us. You guys up for it?
Jesse: Sure.
Nick: Why not?
Max: The call of the open road is music to the ears of a _criminale_.
Jane: So tell me, why does the name "South Park" sound so damn familiar?
Daria: Probably because _Sick, Sad World_'s gotten nine segments out of that town so far this season. Remember the Giant Celebrity Robot Rampage?
Jane: Oh yeah. Should be entertaining.
Daria: The next best thing to being nowhere.
Jesse: We taking the Tank?
Max: Nothing better for the long haul.
Daria: Or a long nap. Whatever.
Trent: Heh-heh-hakk (i.e. his usual coughing laugh). Good one, Daria.
Jane: (takes Daria aside) Interested in tagging along? I'm sure Trent would appreciate your company.
Daria: The same way I'd appreciate his snoring. To the best of my knowledge, I'm over him, and I have no interest in learning otherwise, particularly not while riding in a van on the verge of total implosion to a white-trash mountain town so vicious that _Cops_ has repeatedly refused to film there.
Jane: If you'd rather spend half a week on the East Coast watching Susan Barksdale's two eldest spawn chop each other up a piece at a time, all you have to do is say so.
Daria: I didn't say that. I just want it understood that if you're still trying to play matchmaker, it won't work between us until he learns not to spell "motivation" with a Z.
Jane: Oh, all right.
Daria: Now how are we going to fit the six of us into the Tank?
Jane: That may be impossible, but with any luck, I can make arrangements so we won't have to.
(Scene 5: The road. The Tank is rolling down the highway, trailed by Tom's car, in which latter Daria and Jane are passenging. Jane is up front with young Thomas, while Daria sits in the back, resolutely sulking.)
Jane: I'm amazed you managed to talk Jake and Helen into letting you go. I thought they'd be worried about your virtue.
Daria: I pointed out that one of the reasons I dress like this is with the specific intent of repelling sexual predators.
Jane: (imitating Quinn, just well enough that you know whom she's trying to sound like) "And all *other* human contact!"
Daria: "Gee, Quinn, you say that like it was a *bad* thing."
Tom: You didn't *really* say that, did you?
Daria: Actually, she did and I did.
Tom: I can imagine. (imitating Jake) "Are you sure that's going to be enough, Kiddo? There are some pretty desperate characters out there."
Jane: (imitating Helen) "Some people may see your outfit as a challenge, sweetie. Not that it *is,* of course."
Daria: "Mom, Dad, it's okay. If they take this as some kind of threat to their masculinity that they have to counteract -- that's why I wear the boots. *And* I have pepper spray."
Tom: (laughs) Good one. You know, Daria, I can't understand how such a thoroughly dysfunctional family could produce someone like you.
Daria: That's funny. I can't understand how it *couldn't.* The only real difference between me and them is that I *know* I'm a headcase.
(Scenes to be filmed later where they cross the Colorado border and do a sudden shift from "Daria" animation style to "South Park" style.)
Jane: My arms! I can't move my arms!
Tom: Must be the cold.
Daria: (flatly) Maybe you two would like to pull over and get warmed up?
Tom: We might, but we don't want you to feel left out.
Jane: (smirks evilly) Of course, you could always join us.
Daria: Have I told you lately that I hate you?
(Scene 6: Arriving at the South Park Manor.)
Manager: And here we have what I like to call the Motley Crue Suite. And, just to answer the question everyone seems to ask me sooner or later -- (points at the ceiling light) -- you see that light fixture? It's *not* a damn camera! Okay?
Daria: Excuse me. If it's not a camera, why is it moving? And buzzing?
Manager: ...Hell if I know. Probably moths having an orgy in there or something. Anyway, we've got your choice of pornos for only ninety-nine cents. Thank you for staying at the South Park Manor.
(He goes. The moment the door of the room closes behind him, Daria and the rest of the Lawndale contingent go back to being rendered in _Daria_ style, as does the room.)
Jesse: Whoa. *He* seems like a nice guy.
Daria: In a boy's-best-friend-is-his-mother kind of way.
Jane: Two beds for seven people. Now, I'm no great shakes at math, but that's a word problem I don't think even Daria could solve.
Daria: Not so you'd notice. Would it have killed them to spring for a second room?
Trent: Guess they weren't expecting the rest of us.
Jesse: Maybe we should have told them?
Trent: Probably.
Jane: Well, I know *one* couple that's likely to be sharing a-- oof!
Daria: (elbows her in the ribs) We had a deal, Lane.
Jesse: Hey. It's cool. We can sleep on the floor.
Trent: Yeah. We'll get the sleeping bags from the Tank. Daria, Janey and Tom can talk out who has to share a bed.
(The Spirals go out to the van, leaving Tom and the girls alone.)
Daria: They carry sleeping bags?
Jane: For the groupies.
Tom: They get groupies?
Jane: A few. Not that much of anything happens. Max is the one who tries the hardest.
Daria: Of course. After all, he's the _criminale_.
Jane: But women are drawn to Trent. He's the sort of moody pretty boy that blonde bimbos in black dresses and Artificial Intelligence hair dye go weak in the knees for.
Daria: I didn't know Monique was really a blonde.
Jane: Be nice.
Daria: Try not to wake me up with squeaking bedsprings, you two?
Tom: Shouldn't be too hard. I don't feel like giving those "moths" a free show. Actually, I thought you two should share a bed.
Daria: Excuse me?
Tom: I know you don't get to spend nearly as much time together as you'd like.
Daria: (flatly) Why, young Thomas. You'll turn a lady's head with such clever talk.
(Scene 7: The converted garage where Vinyl Flap have their rehearsals. BIFF and his bandmates hanging out. Just for reference, the rest of the band consists of: ROADKILL ROB, who looks sort of like Jesse with the additions of a mustache, a Vandyke beard [you know, the kind Satan has] and a leather top hat; MATT STIGGER, the bass player, in blue jeans and a pentagram T-shirt; and BILLY BASH, the drummer, in biking leathers and crash helmet.)
Biff: What the fuck is this shit?
Rob: What's what shit, man?
Biff: *This* shit!
(He brandishes a newspaper with the headline _VINYL FLAP MELTS DOWN!_ A subhead promises _Outside Band "Mystic Spyral" To Close Parkstock_.)
Matt: Who gives a fuck, man? It's only one show.
Biff: It's the principle of the thing, goddammit! South Park is *our* turf! The musician's First Commandment says quite clearly, "Thou shalt not let thy town have other bands before thee!"
Rob: So what are we gonna do?
Biff: Do? (stands and poses with dramatic lightning) We will kill these Mystik Spiral cornholers! Their women will weep for them! We will grind them, we will chop them, we will bathe in their blood!
Matt: Oh shit. Biff's been reading _Dark Knight Returns_ again.
Biff: We must destroy them before they can defile our stage with their hippie loveburger trash! And if we fail in that, there shall come a battle of the bands! The streets will run red with blood and Fruitopia!
Rob: Worse than that, man. The Scorched Earth Party webpage.
Billy: (looks up) Did something just happen?
(Back to Andrea.)
Andrea: Speaking of 'drawer' fics … why don't we show a portion of "I Am [NOT] Daria"?
Canadibrit: (OS) What? (beat) Oh, no…
Andrea: You know, the one that started it off for you? Your first attempt to 'joke' your way out of your nearly uncanny resemblance to Daria?
Canadibrit: (OS) Andrea, shut up.
Andrea: (to camera) You see, Canadibrit thought it might be interesting to write a fic about what it would be like – for her and for the rest of the Daria cast – if she woke up one day living Daria's life. Whether she'd be able to pull it off. She never finished it, scrapped the whole project and turned her attention to her website and "The Look-Alike Series" … which borrows scenes from the first work, which she'd never show ANYONE willingly…
Canadibrit: (OS) Andrea, I'm WARNING you…
Andrea: But she's got a few requests to see this fic that she believes sucks so badly – not that she's ever acknowledged them. So a few of the cast members got together and submitted this. Canadibrit was so busy that she let it slide.
Canadibrit: (OS) ANDREA!
Andrea: (hurriedly) So here's a scene or two from "I Am [NOT] Daria".
(Work in Progress – "I am [NOT] Daria")
It didn't take me very long to find a use for Jane's rubber band. As we went back to our lockers after lunch, I saw a scenario that couldn't have been more perfect if I had written it myself. Brittany was doing her lipstick in a compact mirror, leaning against her locker. Kevin was a few feet away, talking to Mack [Mack, as usual, looked annoyed with Kevin, so I can only assume that the great dumb jock called him 'Mack Daddy' again]. Ms Barch was at the other end of the hallway, screaming at a bunch of freshman boys. And Upchuck was chatting to some girl, seconds away from being slapped right into Brittany. I felt the evil grin cross my face as I grabbed Jane's wrist and pulled off the rubber band, aiming it carefully for Brittany's right nipple.
Jane was a little annoyed at my theft of her rubber band, but soon became intrigued when she saw me about to snap it at someone like the pro that I was even if Daria was not. "What are you doing?"
"Watch." I maintained my aim, thinking back to the other times I had done things like this. My aim had always been above average, mostly due to my childhood spent in snowball fights. Leanne had always thought it was the height of humour, especially the day when I caused a fistfight between the captain of the school's football team and our wrestling team's MVP. I'd hit the wrestler on the butt when the captain of the football team passed by, and I guess he thought what the rest of the school did – that the football captain's dating one of the cheerleaders was just a cover-up for something he'd rather keep in the closet. Now I was going for a similar reaction to that. I don't know why. I think I was just in the mood for a bit of action.
Ms Barch stopped yelling at the freshmen and started down the hall. Kevin finished his conversation with Mack and turned Brittany's way with a stupid smile on his face. Upchuck went a little too far with the girl and got slapped; I could hear his typical comment "Feisty!" even from that distance. And he collided with Brittany.
I released the rubber band, and it hit its target dead on.
Brittany screamed and started whacking Upchuck over the head with her over-cute bunny book bag, convinced that Upchuck had taken advantage of his proximity to her to pinch her nipple. Kevin ran over and, without asking questions [this is Upchuck we're talking about, remember] tackled Upchuck to the floor and started beating the crap out of him. Upchuck could probably be heard screaming for miles.
Then Ms Barch arrived and, as I'd hoped she would, assessed the situation at once. She grabbed one of Upchuck's ears with one hand and one of Kevin's ears in the other, and she dragged both of them to their feet. "All right, you filthy men," she snapped. "Which one of you beer-swilling pigs decided that it was appropriate to harass this girl?"
"It was Upchuck!" Brittany squealed in the shrillest tones I could have imagined, clutching her breast protectively as if it were a small child. "Upchuck rammed into me, and then he … ooh!" She wouldn't go on.
Upchuck started to plead his case. "But Ms Barch, I…"
"Shut your lying, infested mouth, Charles! It's time you learned that women are not mere objects, made simply for satisfying your lusts before you go home to your long-suffering wife who's been your slave for the best years of her life! And you, Kevin," she hissed, digging her nails into his earlobe so it bled. "Do you think it's appropriate to treat a woman, human in her own right, as an object to possess like a toy car, who you can keep from ever having a life of her own until you decide to trade the poor, hard-working fool in for a younger model in a leather miniskirt and stiletto heels?"
"But Ms Barch, I…" Kevin began.
"Shut it! Both of you are going to detention right … now!" Kevin and Upchuck were marched away, while Brittany simpered for a moment before scuttling off to the comforting arms of her fellow cheerleaders … or whatever. In all the commotion, no one had noticed the inconspicuous dirty rubber band lying on the floor in front of Brittany's locker … lucky for me.
I turned to Jane uncertainly, not sure how she would take this. As far as I was able to tell, Daria was not known for her aim … although I'm sure she must have had some, being into video games at times. But causing that kind of havoc was not really Daria's style, and that rash act of mine might have blown my cover.
Jane, however, was doubled over to clutch her stomach, laughing herself sick. "Oh, God, Daria," she said when she could finally talk again, "that was great! Next time tell me if you're planning something like that; I'll bring my camera! The look on Brittany's face was so priceless! I could paint for weeks and not capture all of that! I didn't think your aim was that good!"
I blew on my index finger as if it were a gun. "Fastest rubber band in the West," I deadpanned, then gave a Mona Lisa smile. This doubled Jane up all over again and she laughed until she cried.
Tuesday After School
"Sooo…" said Jane, turning from her painting to look at me.
Oh, hell, what now?
"So what?" I asked.
"So what brought on that spontaneous burst of delinquency, Annie Oakley?"
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, who cares. What I really want to know is, what's next, you twisted little cruller?"
"Excuse me?"
Jane stepped back from her painting – a surprisingly realistic rendition of the mayhem that I had instigated with my little rubber band. "So you're the sort of person who shoots rubber bands at people's intimate bits on a whim; you learn something new every day. I think that's really cool. But you can't tell me that you're going to stop at that!"
I shrugged, staring at my book. "It wouldn't be hard, considering that doing so would mostly involve words of less than two syllables. Kevin might not be able to manage it very well, but…"
"Come on, Daria! You've instigated an attack on more or less innocent people just because you felt like it. It's not right to just stop before you cause mischief to those who really deserve it."
"By making an isolated attack on people who only irritate me by being alive, I am making some sort of statement?"
"Pretty much."
"And therefore, by leaving those that truly deserve to suffer unpunished, I am doing a disservice to myself and to all those whose lives have been made hell by the wicked."
"That about covers it."
I thought about it. I had a few ideas on the back burner, ideas that I had always said I'd love to implement if placed into Daria's shit-kicker boots. For instance, I always thought that it would be great to get Sandi and Quinn tearing each other's bouncy hair out by the roots over the bitchy things they say about each other to empty receptacles like Tiffany. More importantly, I'd like to see how Ms Li would take being busted for misappropriation of funds. Now that Jane was actively backing Daria's aberrant behaviour, was there any reason not to? "Well…" I mused, mainly to tease Jane.
"So you do have an idea? Well, don't keep me in suspense!"
"Right. You wanted us to go shopping tomorrow afternoon, didn't you?"
"Yeah…"
"So, if I spend tomorrow night over here, and I bring a few of the things we'll need for the big plan, do you think Trent would drive us down to the school?"
"So this involves Trent now," Jane leered.
"Not like that, you yenta. We need transportation. Just trust me. Would he drive us?"
Jane thought about it, then nodded, reminding me, "He helped us deface that poster we did, didn't he? I think he likes it when you're evil."
"Jane, take that smirk off your face."
(Back to the soundstage with Andrea.)
Canadibrit: (OS) If I EVER find out who did that to me, I swear before whatever deities you like that…
Andrea: (cutting her off) Okay, okay, we hear you. (beat) Anyway, that concludes Behind The Glasses III. (A paper plane glides into shot and gets stuck in Andrea's hair. She pulls it out, looks at it, and unfolds it.) And Canadibrit would like to mention that she's never, ever, ever in her lifetime doing another Behind The Glasses. EVER. Thank you, and good night.
(Extended mix of "You're Standing On My Neck" instrumental. Cut to Canadibrit, sprawled asleep over a computer keyboard. White writing underneath reads "Compiled by Canadibrit".
A corridor. Andrea is standing in front of a dressing room door, spraying over Daria's name under the star with a can of black spray paint. She turns to face the camera with an angry look, and aims the nozzle of the spray can at the camera. White writing reads "Presented by Andrea" as the screen goes black with spray paint.
Black screen. White writing reads "Contributors"
We see John Berry at a drawing table, sketching happily. Then a glasses case hits him in the back of the head. Quinn runs into shot, waving the script and screaming indignantly. John shakes his head. White writing underneath reads "John Berry".
We see Canadibrit approach an information desk at an airport. Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max are waiting there with assorted baggage, looking impatient. Canadibrit shrugs apologetically, which garners smirks. White writing underneath reads "Canadibrit".
We see a tall, skinny guy with short-ish, shaggy sandy-blond hair chewing on a knuckle as he watches the Chevy Nova wind up in a ditch, then running towards the car screaming his head off. Jane leans out the driver's side window and starts yelling equally loudly. White writing underneath reads "Crazy Nutso".
We see a dumpster at the back of the lot. Spray-painted on it are the words, "Chill-out bin for hissy-fit-throwers". The lid lifts and Steven Galloway looks out pitifully. White writing underneath reads "Steven Galloway".
We see J walk up to a sleeping Trent, carrying an alarm clock on a rope. He swings it, bopping Trent over the head. Trent wakes up and scowls at J, whereupon J hangs the alarm clock around Trent's neck with the rope. White writing underneath reads "J".
Lane kitchen set. Daria and Trent stand impassively and watch as Jane chases a young man with shaggy mid-length blond hair, glasses wearing a red "Ecology" sweatshirt past them. The next time the man passes, Daria sticks out a foot, and he trips. Jane smiles thanks and starts smacking the prostrate young man with the pan she holds. White writing underneath reads "Jon Kilner".
A clean-shaven, slightly better dressed, bespectacled version of Trent sits eating a bagel and reading a book as Tiffany reads aloud from cue cards. He looks up and rolls his eyes impatiently. White writing underneath reads "Austin Loomis".
Professor Moriarity and Drala standing in front of a bookshop door. A book flies out and hits Drala in the head. Prof watches Drala fall over backwards, then turns towards the bookstore and runs in. A second later, the Red Dwarf crew run out screaming and trying to shield themselves. White writing underneath reads "Professor Moriarity".
We see Jill Palmer waving the script in Tiffany's face, pointing at it and screaming. Tiffany just stands there, looking blank. Daria walks up to Jill, shakes her head sadly, and guides the young fanfic author away. White writing underneath reads "Jill Palmer".
We see an eighteen-year-old with mid-length brown hair being liberally pelted with maters by the entire Daria crew, plus Canadibrit. She sighs and tries to defend herself with a clipboard. White writing underneath reads "Queen Jossie".
We see a short young woman with shoulder-length brown hair and an oval face running from Andrea, who is chasing after her with an evil look on her face and wielding what looks like a VERY sharp sacrificial blade. Kara looks to Amy for help, but Amy just smirks. White writing underneath reads "Kara Wild".
LHS cafeteria set. A slightly overweight, vaguely 'Native-looking' man with long black hair stands with his back to a wall, rolling his eyes as Tiff threatens violence with a Spork. She stabs with the Spork – he holds out his hand and the tines just bend without doing any harm. Ben grabs the Spork away with a sigh. White writing underneath reads "Ben Yee".
End with Daria logo and the words, "You are now leaving Hell. Please return your ID badge to the front desk.")