Aw, Nuts

A Daria mini-fic for Roger E. Moore.

Disclaimy-thingamabob: I own jack squat. Actually, I don't even own that. Nyah.

Summary: A peek into Jake's never-ending war with the squirrel population of Lawndale.


"The perimeter has been secured. The next drop time is set for 0800 hours."

"Excellent. Where are the reports from last night's reconnaissance?"

"Right here. The mission was successful. We've secured the new territory without the enemy's awareness."

"Then everything is going according to plan."

"Thanks to the boys upstairs."

"No evidence was left, I assume."

"All clear. The entry port has been re-sealed as well."

"Soon we'll have accomplished our goal and all will be ours again!"


"Jake, honey, can you all the exterminators? I think there are mice in the attic again. With Daria off at college, I want to make sure they're really gone before we start ripping down the padding in her room. No need for a nasty surprise," Helen called to Jake as he finished his coffee and headed to the front door. She'd been meaning to have a look in Daria's old room but kept getting sidetracked.

"It's the squirrels I tell you! Damn squirrels, keeping me up all night with their rolling, rolling, rolling acorns all through the attic. They're dropping rocks on my new car, too! I know they're up to something! Ever since Daria left, they've gotten worse. Damn rats with fluffy tails! Diseased little…I'll get them!" Jake ranted as he reached the front door.

"Jake! Your blood pressure! You know the exterminators said it was mice, there's no evidence of squirrels and they patched up anywhere they could have gotten in. And squirrels don't make battle plans or drop rocks, that's just silly. Why don't you just park in a different part of the driveway?" Since you refuse to clean out the garage. "Now calm down before you meet your client, or you'll scare him off!"

Jake took continued to mutter under his breath as he walked out to his brand-new car. He'd given the old blue Lexus to Daria to take to college and was secretly glad he'd let Quinn talk him into the sleek black Audi. "Man can't even park in his own driveway…damn fluffy-tailed rats…"

"How's my baby?" he crooned as he wiped a non-existent speck off the hood of his new sports car.


Plink, plink.

"What the-" Jake looked up as he heard something falling on his precious new car's immaculate paint job. A pebble bounced off the roof and landed in the grass.




Plinkity-plinkplinkplink. Thud, thud, thudthudthud…

A cascade of pebbles and small rocks pummeled the car, knocking tiny paint chips off here and there.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Damn you, squirrels! That's it! Helen, we're moving!"

Helen looked at the commotion from the front window, put her hand to her forehead and sighed.

In a tree high above the Morgendorffer home, squirrels chittered excitedly.