Attack of the Fifty Foot Butt
By Bobby Birks
NOTE: This would be more suitable as a Halloween episode, where you can change everything and send them on to the next show with no changes.
ALSO NOTE: This story in no way shows the purpose or ideals/ideas of the makers of Daria. Simply the ideals of the author.
ALSO ALSO NOTE: This story has nothing to do with The X-files, etc, etc.
Opening scene, Daria's bedroom. She is on the phone. Split screen diagonally to show Jane as well.
Daria: Hi. Do you remember what I told you about Highland?
Jane: All you ever mentioned was the uranium in the water.
Daria: I just thought I'd tell you something to make you feel happier about living here with mild idiots.
Jane: Oh, I'd say Brittany and Kevin are anything but mild.
Daria: Then get ready for a rough ride. I've actually seen worse.
Jane: Doesn't that break a scientific law of some sort?
Daria: Probably. <pause> There were these two boys.
Daria: Beavis and Butt-head.
Jane: Beavis? As in smelly hair?
Jane: It's a German name. It means smelly hair.
Daria: Never mind. Why don't you take a guess about their stupidity level to get us started.
Jane: O.K. Did they ever injure themselves?
Daria: Beavis is a pyromaniac, has gotten his finger cut off in wood shop, and almost bled to death from a broken nose. Butt-head wasn't as bad, but he got hurt too.
Jane: Wow! Didn't they try to call an ambulance about the nose?
Daria: Who knows.
Jane: Any other examples?
Daria: They were stranded on a plastic island in the center of a pool of shallow water in the mall...for days.
Jane: You're lying.
Daria: I have pictures.
MEANWHILE, the "dynamic" duo sit silently in their crime lab...
Cut to: Beavis and Butt-head sleeping on their couch.
Butt-head awakes: Whoa! Hey buttknocker wake up! <smacks Beavis>
Beavis: Ahhhh! Hey, heh, mph, heh. What did you do that for, bunghole!
Butt-head: Huh, huh, huh. Um. I just got a cool idea.
Beavis: Mph, heh, heh. <Bites lip and thinks> What?
Butt-head: Lets like, uh, huh, huh, do an `spearment.
Beavis: Mmmm. O.K. <pause> On what? Heh, heh, mph.
Butt-head: Uh, huh, huh. Like, on us.
Beavis: Ahhh! Damnit fartknocker. <kicks him in the nads> You're not gonna `spearment on me.
Butt-head: <groaning> Beavis, you wuss. Uh, huh, huh, um. I mean we could make us grow huge, and like, then Todd would let us join his gang!
Beavis: Mph, heh, oh yeah. Heh, heh, mph, heh, heh.
Cut to: Isolated cabin on top of a hill.
Cut to: Internal view.
Beavis and Butt-Head are mixing together smoking fluids from beakers. Soda cans and chocolate syrup bottles lay scattered about.
Butt-head: <picking up beaker> This is going to be the coolest thing in my life. <drinks>
Beavis: Hey asswipe! Gimme that! <drinks> Ahhh. Mph, heh, heh, heh, heh, mph, heh. <both pause, silently> Damnit Butt-head, this isn't working.
Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, it like needs time. <smacks him onto the ground with an enormous hand> Whoa! <stares wide-eyed at his hand>
Beavis: <looking at his crotch> <pause> Um, Butt-head.
I don't think its working.
Cut to: Basement of Jane's house. Trent and Jesse play guitars while Daria and Jane watch while sitting on a wooden box. Trent and Jesse are just now finishing.
Trent: Soul woman...
Remaining guitar noise quiets down.
Jane: Um... outstanding?
Jane: Bye now.
Both get up to leave. Trent calls after them.
Trent: Hey. I forgot to tell you something.
Daria and Jane turn around.
Jesse: We got a gig at Lawndale's new coffee house. We go this weekend.
Daria: Didn't they close it down?
Trent: They reopened it. But they look at everyone's material before they perform now.
Jane: I suppose you're going to invite us.
Trent: Way ahead of me, Janey. So?
Jane: If Daria-
Daria: We're going.
Jane: <surprised> Excuse us for just a second.
They walk off into a corner and music starts up again.
Jane: You seem excited.
Daria: I need to get out of my house this weekend. My mother thinks it's time to renew our family relationship.
Jane: Uh oh.
Daria: I know.
Jane: What about Quinn?
Daria: I know she'll find a way out of it.
Jane: I mean, how are you going to make sure she stays?
Daria: Good point, but my parents, at least my mom, wouldn't let her miss out on this with a simple date.
Jane: Do you ever feel sorry for doing things like this?
Daria: Only when they backfire.
Cut to commercial after showing slow motion of Butt-head's enormous hand smacking Beavis. Cut to Beavis and Butt-head, now ten stories tall, walking through a large city while smashing buildings. Beavis looks at a woman through a window.
Beavis: Mph, heh. Hey, mph, how's it goin'?
They walk past. Butt-head sees a little girl with a lollipop looking up at him. He picks her up and grabs her candy.
Butt-head: I stole candy from a baby. Huh, huh.
<drops her, puts the entire small lollipop in his mouth>
Beavis: Heh, heh, heh, mph, heh. Hey there little girl. <She spits on his shoe> <in rage> Mmmmm, damnit! <steps on her and grinds his shoe>
Butt-head: <rips sign from the ground> Uh, huh, huh, huh. Hey Beavis, huh. Look at this.
Beavis: <now stomping hard on the spot wherethe little girl was> What?
Butt-head: It says...uh...huh, huh...law...uh... slaw...slu...shlaw...uh, huh, huh...sh, sh, shlong! Whoa. Beavis, Shlongdale is down this road.
Beavis: <stops stomping> Whoa! Heh, heh, mph. Schlong.
Cut to: Daria's living room. Helen and Jake sit on the couch. Quinn is sulking in the chair. Daria walks over to the door.
Jake: Hey, kiddo! Where you going? It's family night.
Daria: I'm going to see Trent- er - this band. <thinking> Crap.
Helen: <face brightened> Oh! Go right along dear!
Daria: <sounding very, very depressed> Thanks.
Daria leaves the house.
Quinn: Why does she get to go out! I had a date tonight!
Jake: Yeah! Why do I have to stay too!
Helen: <sighs> Alright. She must have had a date. She DID mention some boys name...Trent wasn't it?
Quinn: Why does she get to <realizes what has been said> What!! A date! Her! She probably just lied
to get out of tonight!
Jake: <grumbling> Wish I'd thought of that...
Helen sighs heavily and leans back on the couch.
Cut to: Daria getting into the van. Jesse and Jane are already in the back along with the instruments, so Daria sits up front to avoid arousing suspicions.
Daria: Where's the drummer? Or is he just a myth you started to make everyone think you had a full band?
Trent: He's sick again. He was up all night last night drinking to celebrate this occasion.
Daria: This won't mess up your performance, will it?
Trent: Naw. Jesse and I can get along. Unless one of you wanted to play the drums?
Daria AND Jane: No.
Daria: Hey, Jane. Could you come over here a minute?
Jane walks over. She whispers.
Daria: I really screwed up.
Daria: My family thinks I'm on a date now...
Jane: With who?
Daria: I mentioned his name instead of the band's.
Jane: And, why are you worried?
Daria: What do you mean?
Jane: They're not likely to start rumors.
Daria: But now my mother is going to try to find out more about him, eventually invite him over, and I need to find some way to get that idea out of their minds.
Van bumps as the hit a speed bump. Jane falls back and Jesse catches her. She winks at Dariaand smiles. Daria frowns.
Cut to: Inside of the coffee house. A large crowd is gathered to see Helpful Corn tonight. Jesse and Trent are carrying boxes, Jane and Daria each hold a guitar. A large man stops them at the door.
Doorman: Song please. <extends hand>
Trent sets down the box and digs in his pocket.
Trent: Here you go.
The doorman looks over the song and stops about halfway.
Doorman: You can't perform this here.
Trent, Jesse, and Jane: What!?
Daria: <blank face> What?
Doorman: I said you can't perform this here.
Trent: Why not?
Doorman: This has vulgar language in it.
Doorman: Right here. <points a finger at an area of the paper, Trent looks>
Trent: "Crap?" That's why I can't perform here? C'mon, Jess. Lets go. All because of "crap." <grabs his song>
Suddenly, the ground shakes with intermittent thundering sounds. In the distance one can hear a sinister laugh...
Beavis: Heh, heh, mph, heh. Schlong...
Cut to commercial after showing slow motion of Jane falling into Jesse's arms.
Cut to: Daria, Trent, Jesse, and Jane run towards the van empty handed. They all jump in and speed off. People from the coffee house run to their cars in a similar way. Two figures can be seen coming from a distance, with one thought on their minds...
Beavis: Schlong, heh, heh, heh, mph, heh.
Cut to: Inside of van. Jesse holding Jane close. Trent with a panic on his face. Daria has an expression of deep thought.
Daria: I know that laugh... Beavis!
Jane: <looks up> What!
Daria: That was Beavis's laugh. If I'm wrong, then tie me down and <looks at Trent and quiets down>
Jane: What was that earthquake back there then? Loud crunch. Sound of metal screeching. A loud grunt as if someone was throwing something.
Trent: Look out!
Something large hits the top of the van. They swerve out of control and pull over in a ditch. They all get out and run. Daria turns around and actually screams. Beavis and Butt-head look down at them.
Both: Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!
She turns and runs to catch up. She trips and falls.
Trent comes running and grabs her. They run as Beavis's bloody shoe lands where they were.
Cut to: Daria's living room. Helen and Jake are in
the same place, but Jake is sleeping. Quinn is on the floor applying nail polish to her toes.
Helen: <sighs> Well, we might as well turn on the TV!
Quinn: <not taking the hint to straighten up> O.K.! The TV turns on to show a news broadcast on all channels, as Quinn tries to flip through.
Helen: Wait a minute, hon.
TV: And now, two giant teen-agers prowl Lawndale, causing mass destruction as they go. Here is our investigative reporter, Bill Buttcokowits, live.
Cut to: TV screen. It is now raining.
Bill: Hello, I'm Bill Buttcokowits.
Beavis and Butt-head walk up.
Butt-head: Uh, huh, huh, huh, huh. Buttcokowits.
Beavis: Mmmmnnn, die you son of a bitch!
A large, and bloody, shoe lands on bill. Shortly, there is nothing but static.
Helen: Dear Lord!
Cut to: Trent running while carrying Daria. She has her arms around his neck. Her wet hair sticks to her face and falls about her shoulders as she bounces. Trent runs inside a small shed and Jesse shuts the door.
Inside, it is dark.
Jane: Anyone got a match?
Jesse: Hold on.
A lighter flame provides some illumination. All are soaking wet. Daria is rubbing her ankle.
Trent: <worried> What?
Daria: I must have twisted my ankle.
Jane: Do you really think we'll be safe here?
Jesse: Not for too long...
Cut to: Isolated shack on a hill, with a shattered roof and two walls. FBI agents search through.
Mulder: Hey Scully. Come take a look at this.
Scully: What is it?
Mulder: This must be the final result. <holds up the beaker, now broken>
Scully: But I don't see how this would have anything to do with it. All we have is some soda and chocolate syrup.
Mulder: I wouldn't be so sure. <holds up bottle>
Scully: <with fear> Cough syrup!
Scully: Mixed with chocolate syrup alone, that would have made them twice as tall!
Mulder: But if the soda diluted it that much, maybe it will wear off soon. A voice calls off in the distance, those who saw Beavis and Butt-head do America will know it well.
Voice: Full cavity searches all around!
Cut to: Outside of the shed. It is now daylight and the rain has stopped. The door opens as Trent peeks outside. His head goes back in. After a moment, he emerges with Daria in his arms. Jesse and Jane follow.
Jane: Is it over?
Daria: Shh. Listen.
Voice from a nearby bush: Ahhh. Poop!
Voice2: Hey buttknocker. We're like, small again.
Voice1: Mmmnn, damnit!
Cut to: FBI van. Beavis and Butt-head are being loaded inside. Daria, who now has a crutch and a bandaged ankle, leans against Trent anyway. Jesse stands behind Jane with a hand on her shoulder. An agent walks up.
Mulder: Thanks for reporting their location to us. We'll see to it that they get proper medical care.
Daria: So is it over?
The other car doors shut, but the van waits.
Mulder: It should be. But I have to keep searching. The truth is out there.
He begins to walk over to the van. Screams emerge from inside and the back door bursts open to reveal a squadron of Beavis and Butt-head people. Scully jumps out of the van.
Scully: Mulder! They had uranium in theit systems! It's reacting with the cough syrup.
Voice from van: Cavity searches everywhere!!!