A Piece Of Daria Fan Fiction By
Brandon League

Legalese-Daria and her pals are owned by MTV/Viacom and NOT me. There, you happy?

Summary-A sinister stranger appears one morning and takes a mysterious interest in Tiffany Blum-Deckler, who is struggling with personal demons. What is his interest in her, and is the "Sinister Stranger" REALLY that sinister?

(Opening Credits)
(Ends On The Usual Daria Logo, With "Anything" In Black Letters)

Scene One
(Background music-"Love Denied" by Biohazard)

(Early morning. We are in a typical teenaged girl's bedroom. You know, makeup mirror, stuffed animals, packed closet, you know the whole nine yards. We focus on a bed, lavishly decorated, and it's obvious from first glance that it contains a sleeping figure. It's an eerily peaceful and typical scene. Then the peace is shattered....)

Man's Voice (V-O)-Goddammit, Tiffany! How many times do I have to tell you! When you borrow my car, you give the keys BACK to me! I'm late for work!

(At this, the previously hidden figure stirs and sits straight up in bed, throwing off the covers. It's revealed to be none other than Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Coordinating Officer Extraordinaire for the Lawndale High School Fashion Club. She's wearing an ancient "Ms. Pac Man" tee shirt and a pair of faded denim shorts. Her eyes look wild.)

Tiffany-Oh shit! (Spots the keys on her dresser) He's going to kill me!

(The door opens suddenly and a man in his early forties enters. He has piercing blue eyes and dirty blonde hair, which is starting to show hints of gray. He's dressed for work in a gray suit and a red pinstriped tie...and he looks pissed. He's Calvin Blum-Deckler, Tiffany's father.)

Calvin (irritated)-Where are they, Tiffany?

Tiffany-On the dresser, Daddy.

(Calvin takes his keys and pockets them)

Calvin-Why can't you remember a simple thing like returning something when you borrow it? You're useless like your mother! Tell me why!

(He crosses the room and starts to shake Tiffany)

Calvin (still shaking her)-Answer me!

Tiffany (panicked)-Daddy, I'm sorry! I had to pick Stacy up at Quinn's house yesterday.

Calvin-That's another thing! You spend too much time with those girls! You aren't stupid! Yet since you and that damned Sandi Griffin started that little club, or whatever, you bring home D's. D's! I work too goddamn hard, kissing a bunch of corporate ass day after day, to watch you waste the good money I spend to send you TO school! You are an embarrassment!

Tiffany (weakly)-Daddy, Sandi's my friend. I try, but school's hard-

(Calvin slaps her)

Calvin (sneers)-You're right. You TRY. You TRY to spend all my money. You TRY to send me to an early grave. You TRY my patience. You TRY to (Mocking) make sure your skirt matches your shoes. You-

Woman's Voice (V-O)-Cal! You're going to be late! You have that 8 a.m. meeting with 'Jake Morgendorffer Consulting' remember?

(Calvin gets off the edge of his daughter's bed. Before he leaves, he turns and points a finger at her.)

Calvin-Now you get ready for school young lady! And you remember what we talked about. Try harder! You are not stupid and your mother and I are not going to tolerate more D's!

(He stalks out leaving Tiffany alone. She sighs and gingerly touches her face where her father slapped her.)

Tiffany (verge of tears)-I do try, daddy. I do. It's just that school's so hard and I'm no good in math, and....

(She breaks down in tears)

Woman's Voice (V-O)-Tiffany? Are you OK, sweetie?

(Tiffany looks up through her tear stained eyes to see her mother, Diana Blum-Deckler approaching. She is a striking, exotic Chinese woman in her late thirties. The resemblance between Tiffany and her mother is mind-boggling. It's obvious where Tiffany gets her good looks.)

Tiffany (false cheeriness)-I'm fine Mom!

Diana (knowing better)-You argued with your father again, didn't you?

Tiffany (sighs)-Dad was mad at me because I forgot to give back his car keys. Then he started in on me about my friends and my grades...and he hit me, Mom!

Diana (pulling her daughter close)-Oh baby, you know how stressed your father is. He works hard because he loves us, and it hurts and annoys him to see us not taking full advantage of everything he's given us. He loves you and wants what's best for you, Tiffany. (Kisses her forehead) He would never do anything to really hurt you, you know. Now get ready for school, I'll drive you.

Tiffany-Thanks, Mom, but I'll walk. Sandi, Quinn and Stacy will be here any minute.

Diana-OK, sweetie. Have a nice day at school.

(She hugs Tiffany and leaves.)

(Silently, Tiffany gets up, crosses to her closet, steps inside and gets dressed in her usual attire of a baby blue dress and white shoes. She then enters the bathroom and looks at the mirror, wincing at the purplish bruise already beginning to appear.)

Tiffany-I should have known Mom would defend him. She always does. (Imitating Diana) Oh baby, your father's stressed. He works hard to give us everything, so what if he smacks you? We have to put up with it because I SURE as hell can't do anything to support us.

(She starts to apply her makeup)

Tiffany-Good old concealer, perfect to cover a nasty bruise. (Beat) I should know.

(Tiffany finishes her morning ritual of getting ready and glances at her "Felix The Cat" clock hanging on her wall.)

Tiffany-Hmm...7:2O. It'll be another fifteen minutes before the Fashion Club gets here to pick me up. Just enough time for my medicine. (She smiles) My medicine will make everything fine.

(Tiffany walks back across her room, shutting and locking her bedroom door. She pulls a key out of her purse and opens her closet door, kneeling before a small black lockbox sitting on the floor. She unlocks it and regards the contents. Eighty-two dollars in cash, a full box of condoms, and....)

Tiffany-Ah yeah, here you are, little cutie.

(She pulls out a dimebag and a gold pack of papers.)

Tiffany (smiling happily)-All aboard the midnight train to Shangri-La.

(Commercial Break, Calvin slaps Tiffany in black and white.)

Scene Two
(Background Music-Invisible Wounds (Dark Bodies) by Fear Factory)

(The sidewalk in front of the Blum-Deckler house. We see Sandi Griffin, Quinn Morgendorffer and Stacy Rowe, also known as 'The Fashion Club' approaching the house, happily chattering away.)

Sandi-Come ON, Stacy, surely you can't expect us to BELIEVE that you saw a picture of Kate Moss wearing a (shudders) a...purple turtleneck.

Sandi & Quinn-Ewwwww....

Stacy-I SWEAR you guys! It was on her official website. I was online last night finishing my paper for Mr. DeMartino, and I took a break and went to her site. I don't know what on Earth possessed her, but there it was. Maybe she's rebelling against something.

Sandi-So Stacy, you were, like ON a computer? What are you saying? That you want to join the COMPUTER club instead of being in the Fashion Club? Gee Stacy, are you like turning into a geek all at once?

Stacy-Eep! (She begins to hyperventilate) Sandi, I um, no, I mean...

Quinn (To the rescue)-Oh, Sandi, Stacy was only ON a computer because it's easier to type a paper than it is to actually sit and write it. Besides, if we all do well on that paper, it'll show how smart the Fashion Club really is. If we look good to the teachers, maybe we can get Li to increase our funding.

Sandi-Hmmmm...You know, Quinn, that's really NOT such a bad idea. If we had more money, we could finally get those poster-sized prints made up of the Fashion Club and hang them in the dressing rooms at Cashman's.

Stacy (awed)-The ones that say "Best Customers?"

Sandi-The same.

Quinn (faux adoration)-Oh Sandi, you're SO smart.

(They reach the door and Quinn knocks. Diana Blum-Deckler answers the door.)

Diana-Oh hello, girls. Tiffany's running a little late this morning, she'll be down in a second. (Up the stairs) TIFFANY! SANDI, QUINN AND STACY ARE HERE. COME ON!

(Almost immediately Tiffany comes bounding down the stairs with purse and bookbag. She's quite obviously high, to anyone who knows the visible symptoms. However, Diana, Quinn, Sandi and Stacy are oblivious, Tiffany is ALWAYS like this. Her usual slow-drawl speech pattern, which was not present earlier, now surfaces, and you know why.)

Tiffany-Byeee, Mom.

Diana-Bye, sweetie. (Hugs her daughter)

(The Fashion Club exits the house and the door closes behind them.)

Tiffany-Soooo, what's uppp?

Quinn (nervously changing the subject)-Oh, nothing much, just idle chitchat.


Stacy-Oh Tiffany, now that you're here, I can get your opinion. What do you think of my new sandals? I got them yesterday at Cashman's for 3O percent off.

(Despite the fact that she's stoned to Hell and Back, Tiffany still maintains her flair for shoes and accessories.)

Tiffany-Ohhh Stacyyy, they're cuuute. Red is sooo your colorrr.

Sandi-I must agree with you, Tiffany. You chose your shoes wisely, Stacy.

Quinn-Yeah, Stacy, I want a pair like those. Do you remember if they had them in blue?

Stacy-I think so.

(Deeply engrossed in their conversation, neither Sandi, Quinn nor Stacy notices the figure standing about 5O feet back from the sidewalk. Tiffany, however does, and stops short. He's dressed all in black, with a trimmed black goatee. He smiles and winks at Tiffany, then puts one finger up to his lips in a shushing motion and continues to smile warmly at her. Tiffany stands transfixed. There's something haunting and darkly hypnotic about the figure, yet familiar.)

Quinn (V-O)-Tiffany?

(Tiffany stands spellbound)

Quinn (V-O)-Tiffany?

(Quinn walks over and puts her hand on Tiffany's arm. She jumps.)

Tiffany (annoyed)-Whattt, Quinnn?

Quinn-Are you coming?

Tiffany-Yeahhh, of course. I was just looooking at...

(She indicates toward the clearing where the darkly attired man was standing, but he's disappeared. No one's there.)

Quinn-Looking at what, Tiff?

Tiffany (shocked)-Ummmm...nothing, I guess. That tree is kind of pretty, I guess...

(Tiffany rejoins the others.)

(As soon as the Fashion Club is over the hill, the figure reappears. A sinister grin on his face, he chuckles softly.)

Sinister Figure-Soon, sweet Tiffany, soon you will be mine.

(Commercial Break, Tiffany running down the stairs in black and white.)

Scene Three
(Background Music-"Dream Of Mirrors" by Iron Maiden)

(Lawndale High School, that bastion of higher learning. It has been a long day for Tiffany Blum-Deckler. She was chided for daydreaming by Mr. O'Neill, Mrs. Bennett, and Ms. Barch, and she still has this class to get through. American History with...yep...Anthony DeMartino.)

DeMartino-Now CLASS, if you can WAKE up long enough to REMEMBER, yesterday we were TALKING about the Salem WITCH trials of 1692. Now can ANYONE tell me, WHAT was the TOWN of Salem, MASSACHUSETTS called in 1692? (He scans the room like a vulture) Mr. White?

(Jamie looks startled)

Jamie (weakly)-Ummmm, what was Salem called in 1692?

DeMartino-THAT was the QUESTION. Yes, Mr. WHITE.


DeMartino-At LEAST you got the STATE right, Mr. WHITE, but NO. Anyone ELSE wanna miss the QUESTION entirely?

(No hands are raised)

DeMartino (warning)-Don't TEMPT me class. If I do NOT get the CORRECT answer, we WILL sit here all NIGHT if necessary.

(DeMartino scans the room again and sees Tiffany daydreaming yet again with her head on her hand, staring off into space. DeMartino grins wide, blood in the water.)

DeMartino-PERHAPS, you would ENLIGHTEN us with the ANSWER to my question, Miss BLUM-Deckler?

(Tiffany looks up, trapped. Her eyes have a definite "deer in headlights" motif going. She's not in the mood to have DeMartino snap or go into a psychotic fit. She's screwed.)

Tiffany-Whattt was the question, Mr. DeMartinooo?

DeMartino (murderously calm)-Tiffany, WHAT was the town of SALEM, Massachusetts CALLED in 1692?


(Just then Tiffany hears a soft, pleasant voice speak up inside her head.)

Voice-Danvers, Tiffany. Tell him it was called Danvers.

(Tiffany looks around the room and sees that no one else heard the voice, since nothing about the room has changed. She gasps. Meanwhile DeMartino has walked up to her, bent over, and put both hands on her desk.)

DeMartino-WELL? Miss Blum-DECKLER?

(Tiffany jumps)

Tiffany-It was called Danvers.

(DeMartino opens his mouth, obviously to start a psychotic rant at yet another wrong answer, but, then it dawns on him that Tiffany's answer was correct. He closes his mouth and looks flabbergasted.)

DeMartino (brightening)-That's...that's CORRECT, Miss Blum-DECKLER! Very GOOD.

(Everyone in the room turns and looks at Tiffany)


(Class continues normally, save for the fact that Quinn, Stacy, and Sandi are staring at her with their mouths open.)

Sandi-Gee, Tiffany. I guess it's official. Quinn and Stacy aren't the ONLY brains in the Fashion Club.

Quinn (rolling her eyes)-Sandi, I hardly think one right answer makes her a "brain."

Sandi-Well, gee, Quinn, since you seem to know all the answers, maybe YOU should be President of the Fashion Club?

Quinn (to herself, V-O)-You're goddamned right I should be. (Out Loud) Oh no, Sandi, I could never replace you.

(As Quinn and Sandi start their usual power struggle, Tiffany once again stares off into space, daydreaming. Stacy notices Tiffany, a look of confusion mixed with concern on her face.)

Tiffany (V-O, to herself)-Where did that answer come from? I'm just as bad in History as I am in Math. At least DeMartino doesn't have a hard on for confusing diagrams like Mrs. Bennett...and who was that guy that I saw this morning? He was so dark, so mysterious, like someone out of Vampire Hunter D. He was...

(A hand falls on her shoulder and she jumps again)

Stacy-Tiffany, are you OK? The, um..bell rang, school's over.

(Tiffany slowly comes back to reality. Looking around she notices that the room is empty, except for herself, Stacy, and Mr. DeMartino who is staring at the both of them with an evil glare.)

Tiffany-I, must have just zoned out for a minute. I'm OK, Stacyyy.

Stacy (visibly relieved)-Good, let's go Tiff.

(The two girls exit the room. DeMartino watches them go, shaking his head and muttering softly.)

DeMartino-KIDS. I need a CIGARETTE.

(Commercial Break, DeMartino leaning against Tiffany's desk in B & W.)

Scene Four
(Background Music-"Anything" by Danzig)

(Later that day, Tiffany's bedroom. She is sitting cross-legged in the middle of her floor, clad only in a white tee shirt, white panties and a pair of socks. She is absentmindedly thumbing through a Cashman's catalog marveling as always over the wide variety of clothes contained within. She's doing what she loves best and a smile is just starting to form at the edge of her lips. Then the inevitable happens.)

Calvin (V-O)-TIFFANY! Where are you?

Tiffany (mortified)-In my bedroom, Daddy!

(She leaps up and grabs a pair of shorts out of a drawer and quickly puts them on. The idea of her father yelling at her in her panties is not an appealing one. She then leaps into a chair and pulls out her Geometry book, burying her face in it just as the door opens.)

Calvin (holding up a piece of paper)-What's the meaning of this?

Tiffany-What, Daddy?

Calvin-This letter came in the mail today. It's from your Geometry teacher, Mrs. Bennett. She SAYS that you are not applying yourself! That you have gotten a D+ on your past two tests! What did I tell you this morning!

Tiffany-Daddy, I-

(Calvin slaps her)

Calvin-Don't lie to me, young lady! I'm sick and damned tired of you making a half-assed effort and bring home these lousy grades, when we BOTH know you're smarter than that! (He sees the Cashman's catalog on the floor) If you wouldn't spend all your time at Cranberry Commons or the goddamned Mall Of The Millennium! (Takes the catalog and rips it in half) Well young lady, you don't have to worry about that! I've been too lenient on you! But, no MORE! Until you bring your grades up, you are GROUNDED!

(Calvin storms out. Tiffany sits there in shock, on the verge of tears. After a moment, she gets up and goes over to her door, shutting and locking it. She walks over to her closet.)

Tiffany (sniffling)-I try! I do. But, Geometry is SO hard. I've never been good at math! He doesn't understand!

(She unlocks the lockbox and reaches inside. She's about to take a risk, she's never lit up when her father was home before, but she is confident that her bathroom fan will do its usual good job. Her fingers close on the plastic baggie and then, a voice speaks from behind her!)

Voice-You don't HAVE to rely on that Tiffany.

(Tiffany whirls, a look of pure, unadulterated fear in her eyes. Standing there is the dark clad figure that she saw that morning...and his voice, his voice is vaguely familiar.)

Tiffany-Who are you?

(The figure smiles warmly at her, his bright, blue eyes blazing with understanding.)

Figure-Does that really matter? What matters is, I'm just here for you. I'm here to help you, Tiffany. To take away all your pain and sorrow and give you the life you deserve. (chuckles) But since, you insist on a name, you may call me Lou. helped me in History today. I heard your voice.

Lou-You were struggling, and I didn't want to see you be hurt. No one likes being embarrassed, so I helped you. It was my pleasure.

(He starts to walk towards Tiffany and she starts to tremble, her eyes darting left and right as if to judge the best escape pattern. Suddenly he's right in front of her.)

Lou (touching her cheek)-You don't have to be afraid of me, Tiffany. I would never hurt you. (When he takes his hand off her cheek all signs of bruising have disappeared)

Tiffany (V-O, to herself)-Those eyes! Oh God! I can't look at them or he'll control me completely. They're like two crystal pools that threaten to drown me!

(Chuckling, Lou puts two fingers under her chin and lifts her face to face him.)

Lou-Sweet girl, I have no desire to "control" you. I only want to give you everything your heart desires. To show you all the secrets of this world. Introduce you to so many pleasures. I want you to have it all. (He extends his hand to her) Take my hand, Tiffany, and I will show you a small piece of what I can do.

(Tiffany looks at him a moment and then nods slowly. She reaches out and takes his hand.)

Lou-Now my dear, the trip begins.

(Commercial Break-Calvin ripping the catalog in black and white.)

Scene Five
(Background Music-"Be All, End All" by Anthrax)

(As soon as Tiffany takes Lou's hand they both vanish from the room. Seconds later, they reappear in a HUGE department store. Three stories of color and fashion with a beautiful sunroof and immense colored windows. Tiffany is enthralled. Somehow this place looks really familiar, even though she's never been here before. Suddenly she realizes she's still in her baggy nightclothes.)

Tiffany-Lou? Where are we? Why did you bring me here half dressed?

Lou (notices)-Sorry about that, Tiffany.

(Lou snaps his fingers and suddenly Tiffany is fully a Catholic schoolgirl's uniform.)


Lou (chuckling)-You don't like it?

(Tiffany pouts and puts her hands on her hips. Considering what she's wearing, it makes a nice visual.)

Lou-OK, OK, how about this?

(Lou snaps his fingers again and Tiffany is dressed in her normal outfit, blue dress and white shoes.)

Lou (winking)-There, you happy.

Tiffany-Now, maybe you'll tell me where we are? This place looks really familiar, but I've never been here.

Lou-It SHOULD look familiar, you've always wanted to come here.

Tiffany (realizing)-Oh shiiiiiit! This is "King Cashman's!" The largest Cashman's Department Store in the United States! But, it's... (shocked) Lou!

Lou (innocent)-What's the matter?

Tiffany-You know DAMN well, "what's the matter!" King Cashman's is in New York City!

Lou (faux shocked)-It IS? Oh gee? How'd we get HERE? (winks at Tiffany)

Tiffany (uncertain)-Lou, pray tell, how did we get to New York City from Lawndale, Texas in three seconds?'

Lou (grinning)-Hmmm...a little birdie?

Tiffany (barely holding back a grin)-Try again, Lou.

Lou (serious)-Does it matter? (Puts his hands in hers) I told you that I would give you the world, and I always keep my those I care for. Can't you just suspend a little disbelief? Besides, what better place to start giving you the world than here?

(Lou smiles warmly at Tiffany, his azure eyes blazing into her soul. Tiffany blushes hard.)

Lou-Just say the word Tiffany, and everything in this store is yours. For that matter, if you want, you can OWN King Cashman's itself.

(Tiffany thinks a minute)

Tiffany-I don't want to own the STORE, I still have to graduate from high school, but I will take you up on your other offer.

Lou (grinning ear to ear)-Then voice it and it is so.

Tiffany-I want one of every item sold in this store!

Lou (snaps his fingers)-Done!

Tiffany (looking around)-Nothing happened.

Lou (chuckling)-Tiffany I can't give it all to you NOW. Would you want it to fall out of the sky and land on you? It'll be there when you return home.

Tiffany (coy)-You mean, IF I return home.

Lou-That's my girl! (suddenly serious) But I do have a little something that I'd like you to have right now. From the bottom of my heart, darling Tiffany, I give this to you.

(Lou reaches into his pocket and brings out a black jewelry box, the kind that you would get after making a purchase from an exclusive jewelry store. He hands it to Tiffany and makes a grand show of kneeling before her.)

Lou-I present one another treasure, my darling princess. A little something to show you how much I care for you.

(Tiffany takes the box and opens it, revealing a golden necklace with a lavish, diamond-encrusted, five-pointed star.)

Tiffany (gushes)-Oh Lou, it's so pretty.

Lou-If I may?

(Lou takes the necklace from its box and walks around behind Tiffany, slowly putting the necklace around her neck. As he does so, he leans close to Tiffany's ear and begins to whisper to her.)

Lou (whisper)-It's nothing but a cheap bauble compared to you, Tiffany Blum-Deckler. I have looked for you for a really long time and I swear, by the Fates, you will never suffer again. You will NEVER struggle in school again, you will never be looked down upon again, and your father will NEVER lay his hands on you again. It has already been taken care of.

Tiffany (whirling)-Taken care of! Lou, what did you do to my Father?

Lou (soothing)-Don't worry, my darling, just a little mild hypnotic suggestion. He will NEVER again be tempted to slap you, no matter how mad he gets. You'll never have to conceal bruises again or cry yourself to sleep at night. (kisses her hand) Now come my dear, let's go somewhere a little less crowded, there's something you need to see.


(Tiffany takes Lou's hand again and they vanish from sight.)

(Commercial Break-Lou whispering in Tiffany's ear in B/W)

Scene Six
(Background Music-"Demon Speeding" by Rob Zombie)

(Lou and Tiffany reappear in another typical girl's bedroom. Posters, stuffed Animals, makeup Table, the works. It takes Tiffany a second to realize where they are, but then she gasps.)

Tiffany (shocked)-Lou! What are we doing in Sandi's bedroom?

Lou-We're here because you need to see something. Something that will explain a great deal about your friend Sandi Griffin.

Sandi (V-O)-Ok, Daddy! I'll come down and eat something later! I'm uh, doing my English homework.

(Sandi enters the room. Tiffany panics.)

Tiffany-Um, hey Sandi. I was just in the neighborhood, and um...

Lou-Don't worry, Tiffany, she can't see or hear us.

(Sandi locks her door and crosses to her bed. She gets down on one knee and reaches under the bed, searching for something. She pulls out a small picture frame from under the bed, stands up and lies down on the bed. She strokes the unseen picture gently with one finger and then kisses it. She looks really sad.)

Sandi-I love you so much, why don't you feel the same way about me? I wish that I could just tell you how I feel, but I can't. I'm scared. What if you laughed at me? I'd kill myself that's what.

Tiffany (confused, to Lou)-You brought me here because Sandi has a crush on some guy? That's nothing new, Lou. She has a crush on a different guy every week, whoever is willing to spend the most money on her. It doesn't explain anything.

Lou (calmly)-Wait.

Sandi-I've loved you ever since the moment I first laid eyes on you. I need you so much. I can't help myself. I want you...Quinn.

(At this, Tiffany's eyes bulge widely, and she visibly staggers. Lou takes her arm and holds her steady.)

Tiffany-Wha...wha...What in HELL?! Sandi likes Quinn?! But, Sandi's straight! Sandi and Quinn are always at one another's throats! What the hell?!

Lou-Did you ever stop to think, WHY? 'Why is Sandi always jerking Quinn's chain?'

Tiffany-Yes. I always assumed it was because Sandi was jealous of Quinn.

Lou-That's a good guess, and it's really easy to just assume that, but it's deeper than that. That first day that Quinn came to Lawndale, Sandi fell hard for this cute, new redhead. That's why she told Quinn that she had a "cool name."

Tiffany-"Cool name?" That was just her way of one upping Stacy. Stacy told Quinn that she was cool, so Sandi had to agree.

Lou-You assume too much, Tiffany. You, of all people should know how hard it is for Sandi to give anyone a true compliment, without any hateful innuendo. She was sincere, although, she was so shy, that all she could think to say was, "cool name."


Lou-Let me put it this way Tiffany. Sandi really likes Quinn, she has a REALLY deep crush on her, but she can't bring herself to tell her. She is fearful for multiple reasons: Quinn's reaction, the effect it would have on her social standing if people knew, and also she's not really sure of her sexuality yet. Now, think how Sandi must feel, having the object of her innermost desire constantly around her, but being unable to tell her. Are you really surprised that she's so hateful towards Quinn?

Tiffany-Poor Sandi. She's a bitch to people because she's so frustrated with herself, and cutting people down helps the aching, empty hole inside her.

Lou-Well said.

Tiffany-Lou, I feel so bad for Sandi. What about Quinn? Is she-

Lou-No. Quinn is one hundred percent hetero. (puts a hand on Tiffany's shoulder) Now do you see why Sandi is so hateful and malicious? Do you see how helpless she truly is?

(A tear appears on Tiffany's face)

Tiffany-She's so tragic.

Lou-You didn't hear this from me, but Sandi won't always be like she is now. Her freshman year of college, she and her roommate will have an, ahem, eventful night in her dorm room, and Sandi will come out and be very happy.

Tiffany-That's wonderful.

Lou (winking)-You didn't hear that from me, remember. Giving mortals even a glimpse of the future is strictly forbidden.

Tiffany-I won't tell if you won't.

Lou-That's all I needed to hear.

(They laugh)

Lou-Well, sweetie, what do you say we make one last stop? The perfect end to a wonderful time!

Tiffany-Let's go!

(Tiffany takes Lou's extended hand and they both disappear.)

(Commercial Break-Sandi strokes Quinn's picture in Black and White)

Scene Seven
(Background Music-"I'm Alive" by Helloween)

(Tiffany and Lou reappear on a cliff overlooking a majestic valley of pine trees. It's sunset and the sun setting over the valley is a magnificent sight to behold.)

Tiffany (awed)-This is so beautiful, Lou! Where are we?

Lou-In the woods about 75 miles south of Seattle, Washington.

(Tiffany looks down at the ground. She wants to say something but she's not really sure if she should. She pumps herself up and...)

Tiffany (quietly)-I know who you are.

Lou (smiles softly)-I know.

Tiffany-So it's true? "Lou" is short...for Lucifer?


Tiffany (starts slow but builds momentum)-When I was young, I used to attend church with my grandparents every Sunday. From the time I was old enough to walk, I learned how Satan, you, were the enemy of God and how you used your evil influence to corrupt the world. I learned that you were an angel once, and your pride and arrogance led you to declare war against Heaven, and for that you were thrown down into Hell. That was drilled into me from an early age, and, I..I..hated you for that, but now, I...see you in a different light. You're not evil, just misunderstood.

Lou-Tiffany, I'm 25,OOO years old. It's true. I WAS once an angel in His Holy Army, and my position DID lead me to arrogance and pride. I was young and stupid and I actually thought I was superior to God. (beat) I paid for it.

(Lou unbuttons his shirt and shows Tiffany a ghastly 11-inch scar running from his breastbone to his navel.)

Lou-The Archangel Michael did that to me with his sword. Right before God cast me out. The wound burned continuously for 8,OOO years. Then, God showed mercy and allowed the pain to stop, but the scar remained, and always will as a reminder of my mistake. I had my golden palace, and I had my kingdom of misery and torture, but I didn't have the beauty and serenity of Heaven to bask in. I made my bed and now I lie in it.'re not like that anymore. If you pray to Him, he will let you back in, I'm sure of it. Beg his forgiveness, and show true repentance.

(Lou leans against a tree and looks thoughtful)

Lou (voice wavering)-I...could go back? Back home?

Tiffany-Of course, considering that I'll go with you to put in a good word.

Lou (tears in his eyes)-I can't allow that Tiffany. I love and adore you too much to ask you to throw away your life and all the success that you will find in the Fashion industry...oh crap there I go again with my Future Sight. I'm afraid this is goodbye, Tiffany Blum-Deckler.

(Tiffany runs up and hugs him)

Tiffany-No, Lou! Please let me go with you! I have nothing in Lawndale!

Lou-Sweet girl, from this day forward, your life will improve every day. Your father will never hit you again and your grades will improve, you have my word. Goodbye, Tiffany.

(Lou leans over and kisses her lightly on the lips. As he does so, there is a brilliant flash of light, and, Tiffany awakes with a start in her own bed.)


(Tiffany slowly realizes where she is and comes back to reality. It's 7:4O a.m. and it's Saturday. Tiffany smiles and yawns. There is a single tear in her left eye and she chides herself. IT WAS, after all, only a dream.)

Tiffany-What a weird dream.

(Tiffany yawns and walks into her bathroom planning to freshen up a little. She reaches for her toothbrush and stops short as she notices the gold and diamond five-pointed star around her neck. As she watches in shock, it slowly changes...into a blue, sapphire crucifix.)


Character Makeovers:
Tiffany as Lady Death
Lou as Vampire Hunter D
Calvin Blum-Deckler as The Green Goblin
Diana Blum-Deckler as Zhang Ziyi
Quinn as Lucille Ball
Stacy as Jenny Gump (from Forest Gump)
Sandi as Neve Campbell
Jamie White as John Rambo
Mr. DeMartino as Clint Eastwood

End Notes- Well friends and neighbors, there she is. This is the THIRD Daria fan fiction piece written by yours truly and I must say that I am rather proud of it. I wrote it in two days, and, according to my computer, it is the longest of the three. So, as always feel free to send me any kind of input on my writing. Positive or negative doesn't really matter, but I must insist, NO DEATH THREATS. Those tend to get old after a while! Thanks again to that wise and venerable Jedi Master, Martin J. Pollard, who continues to encourage me by posting my works. BLAME HIM, it's his fault! Just kidding, Martin! Thanks! (Oh yeah, before I forget. If you really wish to get a feel as to what was in my head when I wrote these two songs: "N.I.B." by Black Sabbath and "Anything" by Danzig, hence the title! Enjoy!)

Brandon "The Big B" League
March 22, 2OO2
Somewhere In West Georgia