Alternate Endings by Mitch (with help from The One Who Came Next) THE TEACHINGS OF DON JAKE: THE ALTERNATE ENDING (with apologies to the writer of the original) There they were. The Morgendorffers had stranded themselves in the woods to get away from Lawndale. Ingestion of wildberries had driven Jake, Helen, and Quinn insane (even more than usual). Only Daria (who is NOT a berry person) was in touch with her sanity. The goal: getting her family back to Lawndale for medical treatment. The difficulty: There were no phones or any other way to communicate with the outside world. "Whoa!" I thought. "Daria's in a big fix this time. I bet she's got some cleaver way to get out of it, but this may be challenging even for her." It wasn't. With about three minutes of the episode left, the only sane Morgendorffer heard a ringing and found out that her mother had brought her cell phone with them for business trips. Daria used it to call 911, a helicopter picked up the family and there was an aftermath in Lawndale. End of story. Can you say "LAME"? I knew you could. But suppose... Daria was stuck. She was having some trouble coming up for a way to lure her mom, dad, and sister to what men laughingly called civilization. Right now, they were busy chasing the unseen form of her dad's spirit animal. Well, thought Daria with a smirk, let's make it a merry chase. "THERE IT IS!" shouted Jake as he saw (or imagined) his spirit animal on a cliff. The vision of the mythical beast looked up and saw the crazed shirtless man gauging at him. As Jake jumped at it, the vision leaped over him in the opposite direction. Jake looked up and shook his fist at the air. "I'll get you YET, spirit animal!" he shouted. Just then, his wife and daughter showed up. "Did you miss him?" asked Helen. "Oh, only for now." said Jake with a cunning, but not convincing glint in his eye. Quinn, still with mud on her face (which she thought was make-up), imagined a waterfall going over the side of the cliff. "Mom, Dad," she said with enthusiasm, "look! It's the Waterfall of Golden Purity!" "Ohhh," said Jake. "Isn't that the body of water that makes your soul as clean as water itself?" (He was obviously getting worse. "Yes! Let's all dive in!" said Helen. They were about to leap to their doom when suddenly they heard a sullen, familiar voice saying "Ahem." They turned and saw Daria. With a gasp, Helen said "It is Paler-than-Paleface! What is it your desire?" "I bring news from the all-great one." said Daria. "It is his wish that you may find a cleaner, cheaper way to cleanse your spirits." "How can that be done?" asked her mother. "You are to take a Vision Quest," said Daria, "I shall be your guide". "WOW. Let's go," said an excited Jake who was listening (another bad sign). And so, Daria led this confused trio through the woods, to the outskirts of Lawndale, to the hospital. The Morgendorffers acted as if they had never seen a town before. "Wow!" said Quinn, "This must be a MAGICAL village." When they reached the waiting room, Daria told them to sit and wait. "I have to gain permission to the waiting spirit." she said. Daria walked up to the clerk and said "Excuse me. I have three victims of wildberry poisoning to be taken of my hands." And they were. Cut to where Jane and Daria on the phone and the rest of the episode stays the same. Come to think of it, this wasn't such a tough situation after all. La la LA la la... La la LA la la... THE MISERY CHICK: THE ALTERNATE ENDING By now, we all know the story of Tommy Sherman, the Lawndale student who gave the school the State Championship. We also know he was a jerk. Unfortunately, I don't think that was established enough in his ten-minute debut, right before his two-second death. I'm not saying "The Misery Chick" was a lame episode. Heck, I thought his death "really made you think". I'm just saying it could have turned out differently. In fact, there is probably an alternate Universe somewhere where it all ended like the following and I'm writing the one that was actually used. In other words, it probably could have gone either way. So suppose... Tommy Sherman was now on the football field. He was remembering all of the victories he had there, and all of the head injuries he got from them. Of course, he couldn't remember all of them and some of the games he played were only remembered in fragments. Sherman didn't mind. He remembered the important parts: girls and the cheers. He thought of the chants of the crowd, "SHERMAN! SHERMAN!" Then he approached his mortal nemesis, the goal post that had met his cranium a multitude of times which was now about to be named in his honor he stepped to it and... "Hey, uh, Tommy?" said a young, possibly 14 or 15 years old voice behind him. Sherman turned around and saw a cute, bouncy haired, girl in a pink shirt with one of those annoying "Have A Nice Day" type smily faces on it. At first, Tommy raised an eyebrow and thought, first that cheerleader, now this. Tommy smiled. "Uh, look," said the girl, "I'm Quinn Morgendorffer, vice-president of the fashion club. I was wondering if you had a minute." It didn't take long for Tommy to put "cute chick" in his mental schedule. They left the field and went inside. "So, anyway," Quinn was saying, "the fashion club is planning to set up some of the last minute preparations to your victory banquet." "Banquet?" "It's a last minute addition to the schedule," said Quinn, I wondered what you wanted to be served there." "Will YOU be there?" "Yeah, so..." At the Morgendorffer house, while eating Lasagna, the family is discussing the day's events. "So, he said he'll show up and wouldn't mind what we fix," concluded Quinn. "So, he didn't make a pass at you?" asked Daria. "Now, Daria," said Helen, "You shouldn't stereotype people just because of their fame" "I'm not sure how Jerkdom can put people on 'Hollywood Squares'," said Daria. "Daria, please," said Helen, "so, Quinn, what did YOU think of this boy, Sherman?" "Well, he has great hair and a nice smile." "I mean his behavior," said Helen. "Well, he seemed to agree with anything I said to him." "The perfect man," said Daria, "When is this banquet by-the-by?" "Tomorrow night in the school cafeteria," said Quinn, "about 8-ish. Tommy said he had nothing to do that night." Yet, thought Daria. The following night, at Lawndale High's cafeteria, the entire fashion club and the Lawndale Lions (with QB Kevin) were waiting for Quinn to bring them the hero known as Sherman. As their shapes appeared at the opening doorway, both groups cheered and Tommy liked the appreciation. "Omigawd," screamed Sandy, "He is, like, so hot!" The rest of the club seemed to agree. The Lions, however, wanted to hear stories about his skill and whatever he could teach them. "Run," is all he said. "Run until you get there and don't stop even when you get there." For Kevin, this was psychologically deep for him. Meanwhile, the fashion club was discussing the visiting State Champion. "C'mon, Quinn," her friends said, "tell him you like him." "How?" asked Quinn, "He's, like, the guy of the hour!" "And you're not?" they asked. The club's president got jealous, as usual, so she decided to show Quinn how it was done. Sandy walked up to Sherman and asked him to dance since they were now playing the scheduled "victory music". Tommy liked the offer and began to dance. Then he saw Quinn at the punch table and ditched Sandy. "So, Quinn," he said to her as the popular Morgendorffer turned around to him, "'that's a very attractive outfit'". He remembered that line from "Superman IV". "Uh, thanks," said Quinn, unsurely as she sipped her punch. When Tommy asked her to dance, she almost dropped her cup. During the dance other, other couples kept stopping to watch them. Daria and Jane were outside the school armed with a flashlight. Trent had dropped them off was told when to pick them up later. As they neared the outside door that led to the cafeteria, they heard music and clapping. "What's with the clapping?" asked Jane. "Maybe Quinn was bending over at the snack trays" joked Daria. However, under the facade, Daria knew that she was there to rescue her sister from the vile clutches of the State Champion. Humiliating her in front of the fashion club and the football team was a bonus. They turned off the flashlight as they neared the door. With a creak, the door opened. The two almost-sisters saw the two new popular one's dancing away, surrounded by their many admirers, clapping to the music. "Now, THIS is making me nauseous," whispered Jane. "Do you want to make THEM sick?" asked Daria. "Yeah, baby!" said Jane. Soon, the music stopped and Quinn and Tommy found themselves still holding each other. They look at each other's eyes, Tommy with his usual cunning look and Quinn with a surprisingly flattered look. "How 'bout a walk on the walkway, er, Quinny?" he asked while raising an eyebrow. "Er, that's 'Quinn'...but, okay." Daria and her friend hid while the newly discovered lovebirds left the cafeteria, now serving "oooooohhhs" and "ahhhhhhs". Quinn didn't mind when they left the walkway to get to the field. "So," said Tommy, "fellin'...frisky tonight?" Quinn giggled before saying "not especially. A little... maybe." Then Tommy kissed her. In the limited lighting, Daria and Jane saw them and were feeling sickly. Then they saw Tommy's hand lowering as he held Quinn...lower...lower. First, Tommy's eyebrow raised just as Quinn's eye opened. Suddenly, instead of feeling pleasure like he had all evening, Tommy Sherman felt pain. His cheek just felt a sharp burning sensation. Then he realized that he now had a female hand shaped imprinted on his face. He also heard Quinn's voice saying "YOU PIG!!" Quinn then saw her brainy sister and her friend watching them. "Daria," she asked "what are you doing here" "Well," said Daria, "I HAVE to look out for my little sister." "Oh, Daria," cried Quinn as she ran up to them, "You were right! He IS a jerk!" Tommy was rubbing his cheek. "Hey," said the football player, "that misery chick is...YOUR SISTER!!!" "Can't you see the resemblance?" asked Daria. "But...," Tommy gasped, "she's...fun and you're so...NOT!" "At least that doesn't make me a bad person," said Daria. "SO?" said Tommy, "I'm successful! I don't have to be 'nice'!" "HA! You're nothing," said Jane. In fact, I bet I could race you to that other goalpost and back." "You are on, girly!" said an amused Tommy. They ran until Tommy, turning to Quinn (who WASN'T waving), bashed his head on the visitor's post for the first time. Tommy woke up in the hospital two days later. He had been given "get well" cards from the Lions, but nothing from Quinn or the fashion club. Just as he sighed, he noticed the door to his room opening. At first he thought it was Quinn so he said "Hey, Quinny!" However it was the other Morgendorffer sister. "Thank you," said Daria unenthusiastically. Tommy's hopes lowered but not as low as they were before. "Uh, is Quinn...?" "Still mad?" Daria finished, "yeah, but she's still sorry you're here." "Oh,uh...say, misery chick..." "It's..."Daria". "Yeah, well, Dara, tell her I'm sorry. And you know what, maybe you're right. Maybe I AM a jerk!" "Great discovery," said Daria, "anyway, I'm here to tell you that the steps have been made to ensure that you're legend lives on at Lawndale High." Tommy smiled. At one of the locker lined hallways of the school, there was a giant, blown up picture of Sherman's face hanging on a wall as a posture with the inscription: "TOMMY SHERMAN: HIT ON BRITTNEY AND QUINN AND MADE FUN OF EVERYONE ELSE". THE END