Alter Egos: Daria-Space Goddess.
By Mir

Daria: Eat plasma, you damn scum-sucking alien slime bag!

Daria hits the ground on her right side as she fires her laser. Dust floats up into the air as her body meets the red dirt. The impact causes her to close her eyes and utter a soft cry. The laser energy hits the alien in the abs. It screeches in pain and anger. Daria looks up to see it coming toward her.

Daria: Oh, shit.

She rolls quickly behind a rock, leaning her back up against it while she reloads another energy cartridge into her gun. After the snap of the cartridge being secured she grits her teeth together as she turns around and fires one last shot. The alien is eight feet away. The blast hits dead center, splattering the alien into a pile of purple goo that scatters everywhere. Daria stands up, surveying her kill. Steam rises from the globs slightly burnt on the edges. Seeming satisfied, she brushes the red dirt off of her uniform and slides her gun into the holster mounted on her right leg. She blows at a piece of loose hair from her ponytail on the left side of her face.

The alarm was loud and buzzing. Daria rolls over and hits snooze. She lets out a deep sigh as she throws off the covers and gets up out of bed. She walks over to the closet and selects her usual brown-orange shirt, black skirt, and green jacket. After she's dressed, boots and all, she descends the stairs to the kitchen where her dad is reading the paper and her mom is buttering toast.

Jake: Hey, kiddo! Have a nice sleep?

Daria: I guess.

Daria sits down on a bar stool and reaches for the art section of the Lawndale Sun-Herald. She opens the newspaper as Quinn enters the kitchen, wearing her usual attire.

Helen: Hi, sweetie.

Quinn: Yeah, whatever.

Jake: Whoa, a little on the bitter side this morning, are we?

Quinn: Well, how would you like it if, like, the hottest guy asked your friend out before he even noticed you?

Daria: You mean for once, you were actually passed up for one of your friends?

Quinn: Well, no, he did ask me out once he saw me, but that's not the point!

Helen rolls her eyes, Jake looks confused, and Daria resumes reading the paper.

Helen: You girls better hurry, or you'll be late for school.

Daria: Oh yeah. I'd hate to miss another action-packed day of learning.

Daria closes the paper and leaves the kitchen. She picks up her backpack and heads out the door.

Daria and Jane are sitting in Jane's room on her bed talking.

Jane: So then, after he completely blew the amp, in a fit of rage, he actually tried to break his guitar. He was lucky Jesse was there to stop him.

Jane looks at Daria.

Jane: Daria? Did you hear what I said?

Daria: What? Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking.

Jane: About Trent?

Daria: No. Not really.

Jane: Well?

Daria: Nothing important.

Jane: Wow that's a surprise.

A loud guitar chord rattles the house. Daria and Jane sigh. Jane stands up.

Jane: C'mon, let's go see what Mr. Congeniality is up to.

Daria and Jane walk down the stairs to the basement. Trent looks up at them.

Trent: Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria.

Jane: So what are you working on this week? A new song? Or just practicing your open D tuning?

Trent winces at her.

Daria: (showing some interest) Are you working on a new song?

Trent: Yeah. Well, . . . sorta. Just tryin' to put something together. Jess'll be over here tomorrow, and we'll work on it more in depth, then.

Jane: (lively) Hey, Daria and I would like to listen to you practice tomorrow, wouldn't we, Daria?

Daria: (thinking) Um, . . . well, actually -

Jane: Great! See ya then!

Jane hurries Daria up the stairs. Daria looks back at Jane with doubtful eyes.

Jane: (smiling) This is going to be exciting. Jesse'll be over here for a long time, since they practice all night. Hey, maybe with some luck and a little charm, we can lure them away from their music for a while.

Daria: Um, Jane? I don't think I can come.

Jane is surprised.

Jane: What do you mean, you don't think you can come? Hello, Daria! We are talking Trent here!

Daria: I mean, I don't think I can come.

Jane: Don't tell me you have plans.

Daria: Yes.

Jane: How could you have plans?? With who?

Daria looks down at her wrist. A little green light is blinking on a black wristband. Jane follows Daria's eyes and sees the light too.

Jane: What the hell is that?

Daria: (quickly) I have to go.

Daria turns and starts out the front door.

Jane: Wait! Daria!

Daria: Sorry. No time.

Daria closes the door behind her.

Jane: Damn.

Daria looks around to make sure no one is watching, then she runs (yes, she actually runs) toward her house. She goes to the back yard. She checks around again, then talks into the band with the blinking light.

Daria: This is agent MD reporting, go ahead.

Wristband: (static) Agent MD, this is a code fuchsia alert. Classification JOP aliens are making their way into our solar system. We need you now!

Daria: I haven't had dinner, yet. The parents will be suspicious if I don't show.

Wristband: Once we have secured you to the base, we will send an identical droid in your place.

Daria: All right, will do. Agent MD reporting. Out.

Daria presses a small button on her wristband and she is beamed through to a room completely void of furniture. Only a podium containing many buttons and an officer to operate them is present. He salutes Daria.

Officer: Welcome back, your highness.

Daria nods.

Daria: At ease, soldier. Is the Captain waiting in the briefing room?

Officer: Yes, your highness.

Daria: All right, then.

Officer: Shall I send the droid in your place?

Daria: Be my guest.

Daria proceeds out of the room down a long corridor. She stops and turns into a room on her right. She walks over to a wall and touches an orb mounted on a pedestal. The orb lights up, and part of the wall revolves around to reveal a uniform. Daria smiles as she takes it down, puts it on, and puts her hair up into a ponytail. She replaces the hanger with her other clothes and walks out into the corridor again. After a way, she turns into another room on her left. Several officers are sitting at a long black table. They all stand and salute her.

Daria: As you were.

Daria takes her place at the head of the table.

Daria: Talk to me, Captain.

Captain: Well, your highness, it appears that the JOP aliens, a rather hostile race, have decided to invade our solar system and suck us dry for all we are.

Daria: Hm. That sounds like fun. How far away are they?

Captain: (nervously looks down) Actually, they're about an hour from entering this galaxy.

Daria: (obviously pissed, but monotone) Why didn't you contact me sooner?

Captain: Well, your majesty, we tried to fend them off as long as we could, hoping perhaps that we could discourage them and they would turn around.

Daria: (flatly) You didn't fire at them, did you?

The captain continues to look down at the table. Daria sighs heavily.

Daria: Organize the cadets. Get everyone ready at their battle stations. Ready my ship. I'm goin' up.

Sergeant: But, your highness, that's ludicrous!

Daria: No, (looks over at the Captain) firing at an already hostile race with intentions of conquering your galaxy is ludicrous. This plan is only crazy. But hell, I've saved this galaxy's ass more times than I can remember. What's another war mission?

Lieutenant: But, your majesty, if we lose you, what'll we do then?

Daria: (softly, with a hint of sarcasm) Kill each other?

Lieutenant: What?

Daria: Nothing. You're dismissed. Remember your orders.

All of the officers salute Daria and then leave the room. When she is finally alone, she sighs.

Daria: Whoever appointed those monkeys is getting the death penalty.

Jane is sitting in her room, drawing and listening to some music. She hears a knock on her door.

Jane: Yo!

Trent: (opens the door and walks in) Janey?

Jane: (takes off her headphones and looks up at him) Trent?

Trent: I hate to ask, but, did you notice anything strange about Daria's attitude, when she was here?

Jane: (raises one eyebrow) Boy, you're observant today.

Trent: What's her problem? I've never seen her like that.

Jane: (puts her sketch book aside) I don't know. But it's pissing me off. She's never kept secrets from me before.

Trent: So?

Jane: So I'm gonna find out what the hell's going on. (she stands up) Wanna come?

The Morgendorffer family is seated around the table having their usual lasagna.

Helen: So how was your day, dear?

Quinn: Well, two guys asked me out, but I only chose one ëcause he had the coolest car. The other had roundish teeth, too.

Helen: Oh, well, . . . how about you, Daria?

Droid: Nothing exciting happened, if that's what you mean.

Jake: Not to worry, kiddo! There's still plenty of days left on your calendar! (mutters) Unlike some of us. Dammit!

Helen: Oh, Jake, don't start.

Quinn: Mo-om, he's not gonna start complaining about old age again is he??

Droid: Um, may I be excused? I just remembered I have something to do.

The droid stands up and leaves the kitchen. It goes up to Daria's room and turns on the television as Sick Sad World comes back from a commercial break. The doorbell rings. The droid mutes the TV and looks out the bedroom door. Helen goes to the front door and answers it. Jane and Trent are standing outside.

Jane: Yo! Mrs. M! Is Daria here?

Helen: Hi, Jane! Yes, she's upstairs in her room.

Trent and Jane exchange glances.

Helen: (looking at Trent) And who are you, young man?

Jane: This is my brother, Trent.

Trent: Hi.

Trent follows Jane inside up to Daria's room. The droid repositions itself on the bed and resumes watching the television. Jane enters the room.

Jane: Okay, how about we talk this out.

Droid: What are you talking about?

Jane: You have ìplansî for tomorrow? Why didn't you tell me earlier? I thought we told each other everything!

Just then, a large booming noise is heard outside. Jane, Trent, and the droid look up at the ceiling.

Trent: What the hell was that?

The booming continues, and this time, the house shakes with each pulse. The droid opens a communicator on its wrist.

Droid: Droid 547 reporting. Code green. Repeat: Code green. Secure the goddess at all costs. The JOP have come to Lawndale in search of her. Repeat: Secure the goddess at all costs. Droid 547 out.

Jane looks over at the droid in horror.

Jane: You're not Daria!

Droid: No shit, Jane.

Trent: Where's Daria?

Droid: That information is classified and cannot be revealed. I now have to self-destruct in order to protect the goddess. Farewell.

Jane: Hey!

The droid stands erect and upright. Suddenly, it vaporizes. Trent and Jane look at each other. Quinn, Helen, and Jake's screaming can be heard from downstairs. Three aliens burst through the doorway to Daria's room, trapping Jane and Trent.

Trent: Okay, Janey. Now what?

Daria walks through a passageway to her ship. Several officers are standing by to see her off. Just then, the Captain comes running up next to her.

Captain: Your highness! Your highness!

Daria stops and turns to face him.

Daria: Yes?

Captain: Your replacement droid has just sent in some information.

Daria crosses her arms.

Daria: Go ahead.

Captain: The JOP aliens have already been to Lawndale in search of you. I'm afraid they've captured your Earth family.

Daria: Oh. Is that all?

Captain: Well, no, . . . now I remember! They also captured two non family members, a Jane and Trent Lane if I memory serves right.

Daria drops her arms back to her sides.

Daria: What??

Captain: We just received this information, your highness. The droid had to self-destruct in order to protect your whereabouts.

Daria: (sighs and rolls her eyes) All right. I'm going. I'll get them out of there.

Captain: Good luck, your highness.

Daria: Yeah. Sure.

She starts to walk toward her ship, then she stops and turns around.

Daria: Oh, and Captain?

Captain: Yes, your majesty?

Daria: Remind me to kill you when I get back.

Daria proceeds to her ship and boards it.

Jane wakes up from a trance-like sleep. She raises her head to see that she is chained to a wall by her wrists in an empty hallway of a ship. Her feet are also chained. Trent is on her left.

Jane: Man, have I got one hell of a headache.

Trent: Speak for yourself.

Jane: Where are the Morgendorffers?

Trent: (shrugs) Don't know. Passed out about the same time you did.

A strange sound seems to be drawing nearer. Jane and Trent both look down the empty corridor to see an ominous shadow getting closer. When the figure comes into the light, it reveals a ten-foot purplish alien. It is almost round looking, but is has a human-like structure with limbs. It is a little slimy in appearance. Jane curls her lip at the stench that enters the passageway with the creature.

Alien: What is your relation to the goddess?

Trent and Jane look at each other, then back at the alien.

Trent: What goddess?

Alien: Do not attempt to protect her. We will find her, regardless of whether or not you cooperate. However, it will make your demise less painful.

Jane: Look, we don't know who the hell you're talking about.

Alien: Nonsense!

The alien pulls out a type of projector and displays a hologram of Daria.

Jane & Trent: Daria??

Communicator: Agent MD, do you copy? Repeat: Agent MD, do you copy?

Daria is crouched behind a wall on the alien vessel. She holds a small communicator in her hand.

Daria: (dull) Yeah, I'm here.

Communicator: Please specify your location.

Daria: I just docked with the bastards and I'm in the ship. I've already planted the dimension porters. I'm on my way to find the captives.

Communicator: Copy, MD. Mission control, out.

Daria stuffs the communicator into its case on her belt. She stands up and slowly makes her way down the hallway of the ship. She looks down at her wristband and turns on a heat sensor to locate Trent and Jane. She follows the hall toward the source of body heat indicated on her wristband.

Alien: Enough! Where is the goddess?!

Jane: How should we know? You picked us up before we saw her!

The alien slams its fist into the wall just above Jane's head and gets right in her face.

Alien: I am growing impatient with your impudence!

Little flecks of spit fly from the alien's mouth as it speaks. Jane turns her head away quickly and shuts her eyes.

Jane: God, you need a mint!

Daria: Or a make over.

The alien quickly looks up in the direction of the voice.

Alien: The goddess!!

Daria draws her laser from its holster.

Daria: Say goodnight, slime-bag.

She pulls the trigger and a blast of raw plasma energy bursts the alien apart, splattering it down the corridor. Daria blows on the tip of her gun, then goes over to Jane and fires at the cuffs. They melt away, releasing Jane's wrists.

Jane: You've got a lot of explaining to do.

Daria breaks the chains on her feet, then sets Trent free.

Trent: Um, thanks.

Daria: No problem.

Trent: How did you find us?

Daria: Heat sensors. The aliens are cold-blooded.

Jane: Why didn't you just tell me you were some kind of super cosmic goddess or whatever??

Daria: It was classified. For security reasons.

Jane: Classified?? Daria, friends don't keep important secrets like the end of the galaxy from each other.

Daria: We'll talk about it later. Right now we've got to get out of here and get rid of these aliens before they get rid of us.

Trent: Yeah, Janey. We'd better get outta here.

Jane rolls her eyes and shrugs.

Jane: All right, Daria. Where are you parked?

Daria: This way.

They all start down the passageway to where Daria's ship is docked. Once they reach the ship, Daria opens the door and ushers them in. Trent and Jane enter, while looking around. It's a small ship, no bigger than a van, with a rounded one way windshield and two bucket seats in the front and a third in the middle, farther back. Daria takes her place in the driver's seat. Jane pushes Trent to the front next to Daria and seats herself in the middle. Daria turns on her computer and begins typing in commands. Trent looks over at her.

Trent: What're you doing?

Daria: Sending them to another dimension. It'll take them at least one hundred earth years to get out.

Trent: (raises his eyebrows) That's pretty cool. How'd you manage that?

Daria: Well, before I docked with them I placed some electronic devices on the hull of their ship that will envelope their entire ship and pull it through to the other dimension.

Trent: (a bit confused) Oh. Okay.

Jane: Now put it in English.

Once Daria has completed the command, she hits the ENTER button. The computer flashes a warning that they have two minutes to get out before the alien ship changes dimensions. Daria fires up the ionic drive and they rocket out of the gravitational pull of the alien vessel. Trent and Jane turn around to see the alien ship sucked into a vacuum and disappear.

Trent: Whoa.

Jane: Kick ass.

They return to the base where Daria originally departed from. All officers are present to greet her. As Daria steps out of her ship and comes into view, all of them salute her. She rolls her eyes.

Daria: As you were.

Trent: Wow.

Jane: Man, Daria, you've got authority here. These guys actually respect you.

Daria: Only because each of them have the common sense of a banana. They're the most intelligent military and scientific inventors, but they're dumber than Brittany and Kevin put together.

Jane: That's frightening.

The Captain approaches them.

Captain: Oh, your majesty, we're so glad that you're safe! Now, ahem, you wished for me to remind you of my death?

Daria pats him on the shoulder.

Daria: Not to worry. Due to a change of conscience, I've decided to spare you. Go now. Rejoin the others. I must return to Earth with my comrades.

The Captain's eyes widen. He throws himself at Daria's feet.

Captain: Oh, thank you, your majesty, thank you!

Daria: (annoyed) Yeah, yeah, go on before I change my mind.

He quickly rises to his feet and leaves. The other officers follow and leave Daria, Jane, and Trent alone in the port.

Daria: I've got to quit this job, someday.

Daria, Jane, and Trent are beamed back to Earth. They go to the Lane house. Daria (dressed in her usual attire) sits with Jane in the basement watching Trent and Jesse practice.

Jane: I don't understand why you couldn't have just told me. I mean, I know it was important to keep it secret, but I think that was something that I needed to know.

Daria: Well, now you do. And so does Trent. I hope I can trust you two not to tell anyone.

Jane: Of course you can, Daria. We won't even tell your parents.

Daria: My parents? Oh shit.

Jane: What?

Daria: I knew I forgot something.

Three aliens are observing the Morgendorffers who are behind a glass wall.

Alien1: So what do we do with these three?

Alien2: How should I know? That one in the suit with the red eye is starting to make me twitch.

Alien1: I know. The one in the red suit isn't doing much for me, either.

Alien3: The one in the pink shirt is cute.

Quinn: DARIAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE END