All In the Family...Guy

A Daria/Family Guy Crossover

By

Patrick Moore

Peapotmaster@yahoo.com

 

Daria and related characters are owned by MTV.

Family Guy and related characters are owned by FOX.

Spider-Man and related characters are owned by Marvel Comics.

Drawn Together and related characters are owned by Comedy Central.

 

 

 

Act One

 

(Scene opens with Peter Griffin sitting on his chair watching TV.)

TV ANNOUNCER- We now return to the Osborns!

(On the TV, we see Norman Osborn, villain of Spider-Man, frowning at his son, Harry, who is sitting on his bed reading Harry Potter.)

NORMAN- Harry, get your ass up and kill that blasted Spider-Man!

HARRY- Dad, I just got back from the dead...again. I don't want to be the $#@!& Green Goblin again.

NORMAN- Damn that Sam Rami for making me look like a @!&*%$ Power Ranger.

(We now see Spider-Man outside of the window.)

SPIDER-MAN- Say, Norm, why don't we stop by Cheers and have a brew?

NORMAN- Go away, Parker!

SPIDER-MAN- Oakley Dokley.

(Cut back to Peter Giffin, who is drinking a beer, when Brian Griffin walks in.)

BRIAN- What are you watching, Peter?

PETER- The Osborns.

BRIAN- I thought that show was cancelled.

PETER- This is about the day in the life of Norman Osborn.

BRIAN- The bad guy from Spider-Man? You know that he isn't real.

PETER- It's better than that crappy Drawn Together reality show. That Princess Clara is a total bitch.

(Princess Clara walks in, and slaps Peter in the back of his neck, and walks off.)

PETER- What the hell was that all about?

BRIAN- I think Comedy Central is on to us, after that whole South Park episode.

PETER- You got that the other way around.

BRIAN- Who's the idiot here?

(Peter begins to speak, but Meg and Chris enter.)

MEG- Dad, Chris been on my internet again.

CHRIS- I need to tell the world about the evil monkey in my closet.

BRIAN- Not the Evil Monkey again, Chris. We all know that there's no such thing as an Evil Monkey.

(Cut to Evil Monkey pointing at Brian from upstairs.)

PETER- Where did that evil music come from?

(Everyone, but Chris shrugs.)

CHRIS- I told you, it's my Evil Monkey.

MEG- Chris, if you say anything else about that damn monkey in this fanfic, I'll slug you into a Avatar story.

(Chris gulps and walks off.)

PETER- What with you, Meg?

MEG- I need better friends.

BRIAN- What about Neil Goldman?

MEG- I said "better" friends. That's why I signed up for a pen pal program on the internet.

BRIAN- Meg, didn't your mother tell you about signing up on one of those chat lines?

MEG- Yes, and I'm tired of being treated like crap. I need someone to talk to. So, I wrote a e-mail to someone in Washington.

PETER- That's great, honey. Who's the new boyfriend?

MEG- Her name is Haley Smith

BRIAN- Not another American Dad crossover.

MEG- What are you talking about, Brian?

BRIAN- Remember that alien that had a cameo on our show, and in our Star Wars episode?

(Meg pauses.)

BRIAN- What about the guy who fought Stewie after he killed Lois?

(Meg pauses, and says nothing.)

BRIAN- That was American Dad.

(Meg says nothing.)

BRIAN- And I thought Peter and Chris were idiots.

PETER- What?

BRIAN- Never mind.

MEG- As I was saying, Haley is coming to Quahog during Spring Break. And I was wondering if she stays here during her visit.

PETER- I don't know, Meg. Remember that guy who brought those rodents over here?

CUT SCENE 1- (Peter and Lois are talking to Dave Seville.)

PETER- It's nice of you to visit us, Dave.

DAVE- Is it ok for my sons to spend the night here?

LOIS- Sure.

DAVE- (Calls from off-screen.) Come on, boys!

(We now see Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, of Alvin and the Chipmunks, enter singing the Chipmunk Song.)

PETER- Holy Crap! It's Ben, Willard, and that rat from that CGI Disney movie!

(Peter takes out a riffle, and kills the Chipmunks.)

DAVE- You idiot! Those were my sons you just killed!

PETER- That was for that crappy CGI/live action movie I forced myself to watch.

DAVE- (Cradling Alvin's dead body.) ALVIN!!!!!

End Cut Scene.

MEG- Come on, Daddy, it's just for one week.

PETER- Ok, Meg, but if she's a stoner...

MEG- She doesn't take drugs.

PETER- Sure, sweetie.

(Meg hugs Peter.)

MEG- Thank you, Daddy. I'll e-mail Haley right now.

(Meg leaves.)

BRIAN- Peter, are you sure this is a good idea?

PETER- Name one thing that wasn't one of my best ideas.

BRIAN- That time you wrote Hollywood to make them write a sequel to Masters of the Universe.

PETER- How was I to know that He-Man wasn't in Cyborg.

(There's a knock at the door, as Peter walks towards it, opens it to see Joe Swanson in regular clothes.)

PETER- Hey, Joe. What brings you here?

JOE- Peter, an old friend of mine his here for the Spring Break week. And I was wondering if you and the rest of the Griffins would take care of his daughters, while we go to Middleton College for a little reunion?

PETER- Sure, Joe.

BRIAN- But, Peter...

PETER- Don't worry, Brian, this isn't going to be a episode of Full House, where Danny discovers DJ has Bulma.

BRIAN- You mean Bulimia.

PETER- What did I say?

BRIAN- Bulma. The anime girl from Dragon Ball.

PETER- I get those two mixed up. (To Joe.) I'll take good care of them, Joe.

JOE- Thanks, Peter. (Shout to someone off-screen.) DARIA! JANE!

(We now see Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane enter, with canned applause in the background.)

JANE- (To Daria.) Where did the applause come from?

DARIA- When a guest star appears on a popular show, canned applause is used to cheer for the guest star.

JANE- Like when Sammy Davis Jr. appeared on All in the Family?

DARIA- Something like that.

(Peter and Brian look at each other.)

PETER- (To Brian.) And I thought I did the pop references on this show.

BRIAN- I smell a bad cheesy crossover here.

(Just then, Jay Sherman enters.)

JAY- If you thought my cameos on the Simpsons was to promote my comeback, think again.

(Just then, Stewie Griffin enters, and zaps Jay with his laser gun. Everyone looks at Stewie.)

STEWIE- What? I hated the Critic. Besides, my part of the fic is coming up.

 

To Be Continued...

 

 

Act Two

 

(We see Lois and Stewie walking in the park. Stewie spots some kids playing hopscotch .)

STEWIE- Mother, I want to play hopscotch.

LOIS- Not now, sweetie. We got to meet Bonnie and Susie near the fountain.

STEWIE- I don't know what you two hens are pecking about, but leave me out.

(Lois spots Bonnie and baby Susie near the fountain.)

BONNIE- Hello, Lois.

LOIS- Bonnie, I got your message. (Lois puts Stewie with the other babies in the sandbox.) Play nice, Stewie.

(Lois walks off.)

STEWIE- Blasted woman. She knows I hate playing in the sandbox without my nuclear isotopes.

VOICE- Hello, Stewie.

(Stewie turns to see his "brother," Bertram standing next to him.)

STEWIE- Bertram, what are you doing here?

BERTRAM- Just going out with my girlfriend.

STEWIE- What happened to world domination?

BERTRAM- I've given up on that, and fell in love. I want you to meet my sweetheart, Olivia.

STEWIE- What?!

(We see Olivia come on screen, but she almost looks like Two-Face from The Dark Knight.)

OLIVIA- Hello, Stewie.

STEWIE- What the deuce! I thought you were dead.

OLIVIA- I was, until Bertram came a saved me from that fire...THAT YOU CAUSED!!!

STEWIE- That's because you cheated on me.

OLIVIA- Can't you see in that football head of yours that I don't like you?

(Cut to Helga and Arnold from "Hey Arnold," sitting on a bench.)

HELGA- (To Arnold.) And I thought you were the only football head in animation.

ARNOLD- Oh, shut up.

(Cut back to Stewie and Olivia.)

STEWIE- Look, Olivia, I do love you and all, but..

OLIVIA- Save you buts, Stewie. Me and Bertram are in love.

STEWIE- Great, it's the Bride of Chucky all over again.

BERTRAM- Come, Olivia, let us leave this guttersnipe to his failures.

(Bertram and Olivia leave.)

STEWIE- Who needs them! I'll find my own girlfriend! But first...

(Stewie presses a button that unleashes a Sandworm from "Beetlejuice" in the sandbox attacking the kids inside.)

STEWIE- That's better. Now to get me some girlfriend.

 

(Scene changes to Daria and Jane sitting on the Griffin's couch watching TV.)

TV ANNOUNCER- We now return to Drawn Together.

DARIA- Speaking of which.

(Daria walks to a closet where we see a bound and gagged Princess Clara, as Daria slams a long spike into Clara's chest.)

MORTAL KOMBAT GUY'S VOICE- Daria wins. Fatality.

(Daria walks back to Jane.)

JANE- You still haven't forgotten what Comedy Central did to you with that whole nail in the eye scene.

DARIA- Life's a bitch, and so am I.

JANE- Why are we on this show anyway?

DARIA- The damn writers thought it would be great for a crossover with a canceled show and a returning show, just to boost ratings.

JANE- Like Beavis and Butt-Head on Celebrity Deathmatch?

DARIA- I wasn't even in there for a cameo. Damn you, MTV.

JANE- When is this story going to get a plot?

(Just then, we see on the TV, Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons on the screen.)

TOM- We interrupt this fanfic, for a plot to this story.

DIANE- Just last night, there was a break-in at Planet Hollywood in Quahog. The thieves stole Weird Al Yankovic's accordion, and Gene Simmons' first guitar.

(Peter run into the living room.)

PETER- Gene Simmons guitar got stolen! Holy crap!

TOM- Gene Simmons is giving a reward for anyone who can find his guitar.

DIANE- What about Weird Al's accordion, Tom?

TOM- Who cares?

DIANE- Weird Al, stupid.

TOM- Screw Weird Al. All his music sucks anyway.

(Just then, Weird Al attacks Tom.)

PETER- Come on, gang, we got to find that guitar.

JANE- (To Daria.) Finally, a plot to this stupid fic.

DARIA- This story is going to be weirder and dumber.

 

To Be Continued...

 

Act Three

 

(We see Peter, dressed like Sherlock Holmes, with Daria and Jane walking outside.)

PETER- If we can find the crooks that stole Gene's guitar, maybe he'll let me and Lois perform at their concert.

DARIA- Don't hold your breath, Mr. Griffin.

PETER- How can I hold my breath?

JANE- Daria was being sarcastic again.

PETER- Oh.

(We now see Brian walk towards them.)

BRIAN- Peter, what the hell are you up to this time?

PETER- Brian, Gene Simmons' guitar got stolen, and I plan to get it back. Want to be my Scooby-Doo to my Shaggy?

BRIAN- Forget it, Peter. I still have the beaten from Steve Austin.

PETER- The Six Million Dollar Man?

CUT SCENE 2: (Peter and Brian are at a WWE wrestling event, where Stone Cold Steve Austin is fighting The Undertaker.)

PETER- Hey, Brian, watch me chant Stone Cold's name for him to win.

BRIAN- Peter, you know wrestling's fake.

PETER- It's not.

BRIAN- Is too.

PETER- Prove it. (To Stone Cold.) Hey, Stone Cold, my dog says wrestling's fake.

STONE COLD- (To Brian.) You can't say wrestling's fake at a wrestling match, dumb ass.

BRIAN- I didn't...

(Brian gets a Stone Cold Stunner.)

BRIAN- (In pain.) Damn it hurts.

(Then the Undertaker puts Brian in a Tombstone Pile Driver.)

BRIAN- (In pain still.) Damn it hurts...still.

PETER- So, wrestling isn't fake after all. (To Brian.) You owe me twenty dollars.

BRIAN- Screw you, Peter.

END CUT SCENE.

(Scene changes to Meg's room, where she's laying a sleeping bag on the floor, as Stewie enters.)

MEG- Hey, Stewie.

STEWIE- Hello, girl I don't know what the fat man calls you these days.

MEG- It's Meg.

STEWIE- Meg, I need dating advice. Bertram just got my ex-wife, and I need advice to get her back.

MEG- Why don't you talk to Quagmire?

STEWIE- That pervert? Forget it. I could try Love Line with Dr. Drew, but he's doing that rehab show for deadbeat celebrities.

MEG- Well, I'll help.

STEWIE- Thanks, Maggie.

MEG- That's Meg.

STEWIE- Whatever.

 

(Scene changes back to Peter, Daria, and Jane, but this time at the Drunken Clam. Peter is drinking his third mug of beer, as Daria and Jane watch.)

JANE- How long have we've been here?

DARIA- Since the last scene. (To Peter.) Mr. Griffin, shouldn't we be looking for that guitar?

PETER- All great detectives drink while on the case.

DARIA- No they don't.

(We see Joe, Cleveland, and Glen Quagmire walk towards them.)

JOE- Peter, you can't have teens here at a bar.

PETER- Joe, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Middleton?

JOE- The college was under attack by Dr. Drakken and Shego, so I called in Kim Possible to save the day.

DARIA- (To Camera.) It's going to be one of those stupid shows where anything can happen, folks. Even in this one.

PETER- (To Daria.) Who are you talking to?

DARIA- (To Peter.) No one, but the readers of this crap. I only have short parts in this episode, and nothing damn has happened yet. (To camera.) If the writer of this fanfic get to the plot, we've be done by now.

(Just then, the Giant Chicken enters with Gene Simmons' guitar.)

PETER- (To Giant Chicken.) So, you did it.

DARIA- (Groans.) Oh no. This isn't what I mean about plot.

 

To Be Continued....

 

TV ANNOUNCER- Now back to Family Guy...already in progress.

(Cut to Peter talking to Daria about how he saved Christmas.)

PETER- And, that's how me and Chuck Norris saved Christmas from the Grinch.

DARIA- Mr. Griffin?

PETER- Yes, Daria.

DARIA- (Shouts.) WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH A GIANT CHICKEN WITH GENE SIMMONS' GUITAR?!

PETER- Crap, I forgot about that.

DARIA- Idiot.

GIANT CHICKEN- Fight me, Griffin.

PETER- Holy Crap! You can talk?

GC- Of course, cretin.

PETER- Why did you steal Gene Simmons' guitar?

GC- Revenge on you for beating me up every time, once a season. Now it's time for the final battle, fatty.

JANE- What about Weird Al's accordion?

GC- I didn't steal that.

DARIA- This is worse that the time I met Fred Sanford, the Ghostbusters, the kids from South Park, and the rest.

GC- (To Peter.) Who's the misery chick?

PETER- That today's guest star, Daria Morgendorffer from MTV.

GC- (To Daria.) I'm a big fan of your show, Miss Morgendorffer. Can I have your autograph?

DARIA- Well...

GC- Come on?

DARIA- Fine, if you get the fat dolt the guitar.

GC- Cool. (Gives Peter the guitar, walks towards Daria, as she give him a Stone Cold Stunner.)

VOICE- CUT!!!

(We see Family Guy creator, Seth McFarlane, walk towards Daria, and whacks her in the head with the script.)

SETH- Daria, you idiot!!! You're suppose to let Peter fight the chicken, not to give him a wrestling move.

DARIA- (Frowns.) Look, dumb ass, I've seen every Family Guy episode to get on this damn show, and you hit me in the head! I could have been on King of the Hill, than this crap. I quit!

(Daria storms off stage.)

JANE- Daria, wait.

(Jane walks off as well.)

PETER- (To Seth.) What now, Mr. McFarlane? We need Daria for the big ending.

SETH- Don't worry, Peter, I've got a plan.

 

(Cut to Daria and Jane in Daria's room back in Lawndale, watching TV.)

JANE- Well, that didn't bold well.

DARIA- Oh, shut up.

(Cut to the TV with the picture of Entertainment Tonight host, Mary Hart on the set of Family Guy.)

MARY- You MTV fans may have heard of Daria Morgendoffer, and her storming off the set of the hit Fox show, Family Guy. It's been confirmed that Seth McFarlane has replaced Daria with Megan Fox in the role of the cynical teen for the episode.

(Daria turns off the TV.)

DARIA- Damn, Michael Bay, and Transformers for making her so popular than the Fashion Club.

JANE- Now what, fearless leader?

DARIA- I got another script, but it's from Nickelodeon.

JANE- What is it?

(Cut to Daria in a fish suit, dancing with Spongebob Squarepants, Patrick Star, and Sandy Cheeks.)

(As we iris out, Daria frowns in her deadpan manner.)

DARIA- I hate crossovers.

(Iris to black, as the Family Guy theme plays in the background.)

 

 

THE END