Absentee
or
A Lot Happens When You're Home Sick

by Jill Palmer

jill@mail.one.net


This is my first serious attempt at prose format.  Hope ya like it. 
This has possible sequel potential.  Another thing you have to
understand is I was looking at some fan art when this story was
inspired.  Someone did a picture of the fugitive holidays from that
episode which shall not be named (even though I didn't see it).  I
noticed the girl looked a lot like Sandi... hence the following story.


	Daria Morgendorffer sat at her desk in Mr. O'Neill's room, head in
hands, wondering why she hadn't just stayed home.  She was incredibly
tired, and besides, the wind chill was 25 below.  She was wondering why
Ms. Li hadn't called off school.  Probably because that would bring
dishonor to her stupid school.

	A new girl entered the room.  Daria scrutinized her.  She looked like
Sandi Griffin, one of her sister's fellow Fashion Clubbers, but the
resemblance was mostly in the hair.  This girl's hair was black - not
even the same color.  The only makeup she had on was dark red lipstick.
She was wearing a black v-neck shirt, a mustard colored skirt, and
combat boots.

	Daria got the attention of her best friend, Jane Lane.  "Hey Jane,"
she said.  "You see the new girl?"

	"Yep," Jane answered.  "She looks like Sandi with black hair and a
lack of fashion sense."

	"That's just too, too bad," Daria deadpanned, imitating Sandi's
deep-for-a-girl voice.  "At least it's safe to say she won't be joining
*that* club."

	Mr. O'Neill entered the room.

	"Class, we have a new student joining us today," he said.  "Please
welcome Crystal Stewart."

	Crystal stood up from the seat she had chosen, right behind Daria and
Jane's location.  "Hi," she said in a flat voice.  "I'm from Hamilton."
 All the while she was giving O'Neill a very dark glare.  "Can I sit
back down now?"

	"Um, sure, Christina."  O'Neill was faltering under Crystal's glare.
It got even darker, if that was possible, at his trademark name
fumbling as she sat down.

	Daria and Jane were impressed.  They turned around to face Crystal.

	"Hey," Jane said.  "That was damn good."

	"Yeah, sure.  Whatever," Crystal said.  "Who are you?"

	"Jane Lane.  Artist extraordinaire."  Jane stuck out her hand, and
Crystal shook it.

	"Daria Morgendorffer.  Cynic extraordinaire," Daria deadpanned.

	Crystal raised her eyebrows.  There sure were interesting people in
Lawndale.  At any rate, they were more interesting than the people
where she'd come fromŠ

	"So," Crystal said, "How many fashion-deficient roam these hallowed
halls?"

	"Mainly just us," Daria answered.  "The Fashion Mafia keeps everyone
else in line."

	"Speaking of whichŠ" Jane said, a slightly stunned look on her face. 
She got up,  asked O'Neill for something, and came back holding a piece
of paper.

	"I bummed the attendance list off Mr. Marshmallow," she explained. 
She scanned it for a few moments, then said, "Oh shit."

	"What's wrong?" Daria inquired.

	"Sandi's absent."

	"Who?"  It was Crystal's turn to inquire.

	"President - no, dictator is a better word - of the Fashion Mafia,"
Daria explained.  "She looks like you, except with brown hair and a
so-called 'fashionable' outfit.  Her voice is deep, her thoughts are
not."

	"And what is so special about a fashion airhead?"

	"It's a long story.  See, my sister Quinn is vice president of that
little group."

	"I pity you," Crystal said, shaking her head.

	"Don't worry," Jane said.  "Daria is Quinn's 'weird cousin, or
whatever' in all social situations.  That was Quinn's idea."

	"Anyway," Daria continued, "Quinn claims that Sandi is her best
friend.  All they normally do is fight."

	"I still don't see what any of this has to do with me," Crystal said. 
"Will you please get to the point?"

	"Since you asked so nicely," Daria answered.  "Jane, do the honors."

	"When Quinn sees you, she'll think it's Sandi," Jane explained. 
"Since Sandi's not here today, you look like her, and hanging with
brains is a 'fashion don't', it'll give Quinn a perfect opportunity to
take over the Fashion Club."

	"As if the outfit wasn't bad enough," Crystal commented.  The bell
rang, and everyone rushed out.

***

	Daria approached her locker and sighed.  Kevin Thompson, the world's
dumbest jock, was once again using it as talk space with his
girlfriend, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor.  Daria got out her gym
whistle, making Kevin think (ha, ha) it was time for football practice.
 Brittany followed.

	"A pair of airheads if there ever was one," Crystal commented.  "It's
a wonder he's still on the team."

	"Especially with Ms. Barch's grade curve against men," Jane said.

	"So are there any other normal people here?"

	"Jodie and Mack are probably as close as you'll get," Daria said.  She
got a textbook out of her locker and slammed it shut.  "Be forewarned. 
Jodie will probably try to rope you into an extra-curricluar activity,
and MackŠ  Well, Mack might as well be an oxymoron.  He's a smart jock.
 They're both nice though."

	"If you're really brave, you can try talking to Andrea," Jane said. 
"She's a goth and doesn't talk much, but when she does she's relatively
nice."

	A familiar voice, familiar to Daria and Jane at least, sleazed "Hello,
ladieees" from behind them.

	Daria put her hand on her forehead and groaned.  "Oh God no, not
Upchuck," she moaned.

	"What?" Crystal asked.

	"Don't bother asking," Jane told her.  "You're about to find out."

	Charles Ruttheimer III, more commonly known as Upchuck, approached the
three girls.

	"And what are you girls doing this fine day?" he sleazed.  "I'm sure
you can include Charles Ruttheimer III in your little plans!"

	Crystal realized she'd gotten lucky.  The sleazebag was concentrating
his "efforts" on Daria and Jane.  "It's no mystery why they call him
Upchuck," she said to herself.

	That ruined her luck.  "Well, well, Sandi my sweet, isn't this a bit
far away from you usual crowd?"

	All Crystal needed to convey her message was a swift kick in the
groin.  She, Daria, and Jane walked off, leaving Upchuck saying,
"Feisty!" about six octaves higher than any male should talk.

	"Wow," Jane said.  "Perfect 10 from the Lane jury, though I don't know
what he did to ask for that."

	"Two reasons," Crystal replied.  "One, I detest sleazebags.  Two,
they're even worse when they confuse you with someone else.  Especially
when said someone is a total airhead."

	"Whether you like it or not, prepare to confuse others," Daria
commented.  "Fashion Fiends at 3 o'clock."

	Jane got an instant camera out of her pocket.

***

	Quinn Morgendorffer looked up from her friends' conversation and
saw... SANDI?!  Talking to Daria and her weird friend too!  And what
was *up* with that outfit?

	Stacy Rowe and Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Quinn's friends, looked up upon
noticing Quinn was no longer paying attention.

	"Quinn?  What are you looking at?" Stacy asked.

	Quinn pointed out the fugitive Fashion Club prez.  "Look" was the only
word she needed to say.  For 30 seconds that seemed an eternity, the
seeming remains of the club were dead silent.

	"OhŠ my... God..."  Tiffany finally broke the silence.

	"What's up with Sandi?  Wearing a fashion don't... talking to
brains... let's go over," Quinn said.

	Ten feet over, Daria noticed they'd been spotted.  "HIII, SIS!" she
called, causing Quinn to turn red.

	"Fashion Fiends," Crystal observed.  "Fill me in."

	"The redhead is Quinn," Jane said.  "She's the one that's Daria's
sister, which should be obvious by the blushing.  The one with pigtails
is Stacy, and the other is Tiffany."

	"Gotcha."

	"Sandi!  What on earth are you doing this for?" Quinn said.

	"Maybe I'm just looking for a change, Quinn," Crystal said.

	"This outfit... hanging out with brains... and what did you do with
your hair?  If you'll check the latest issue of Waif, you'll see dying
your hair black is *out* this month."  Satcy and Tiffany nodded in
agreement.

	There was a tap on Crystal's shoulder.  Jane whispered something in
Crystal's ear.  Crystal grinned, and turned back around.

	"Well, if you're so smart, maybe you *should* be president of the
Fashion Club," she said.  "I mean it.  Bug off."  All the while,
pictures were practically flowing out of Jane's instant camera.

	Quinn just stood there, the shocked look on her face slowly turning
into a smile.  She finally turned to leave, Stacy and Tiffany firmly in
tow.

	"Damn, Sandi's in for a big shock when she gets back," Daria said.  As
she talked, she pulled a pocket tape recorder out of her jacket pocket
and smirked.

	"Bummed it off of Mom," she explained.  "She had an extra one around,
and I figured I could embarrass Quinn with it."

	"Never thought you'd help her though, now did you?" Jane asked.

***

	Quinn walked into her room and noticed a package on her bed.  A note
with it read:

	This is in case Sandi forgets she gave you the club.  Jane took the
pictures.  We'll both deny we ever did this.  Daria.

	Inside the package were a bunch of Polaroid instant pictures, and one
of her mother's pocket recorders.  Quinn smirked, and wrote a note for
Daria simply saying:

	Thanks.

***

	Sandi Griffin sat on her bed, trying to figure out what was up at
school.  She hadn't been able to find the Fashion Club all morning. 
She finally did at lunch, but they got up and moved to a different
table.  Stacy and Tiffany seemed to be following Quinn.

	She finally did get to talk with Quinn.  Reportedly, she was no longer
even *in* the Fashion Club.  Quinn even had pictures and a recording to
prove it.  The weird thing was, Sandi hadn't even been in school that
day.  It couldn't have been her in those pictures.

	There was no use trying to prove that to Quinn, though.  Sandi was
slow to admit it to herself, and she would never admit it at school,
but she was glad to have that responsibility off her back.  Quinn would
probably come crawling back to her by Halloween.


END

ENDNOTES

- The day I started writing this, the wind chill really was 25 below
where I live.  I don't know why they didn't call off school any more
than Daria did.

- If you want to look at the picture I mentioned at the beginning, go
to Outpost Daria.  I think it's on Liliane Grenier's (sp?) page o'
artwork.

- As of right now, the picture is the only connection between this
story(line?) and that episode which shall not be named, but we'll
see...

- The school I go to gives all the teachers an attendance list in the
morning.  I'm assuming that LHS does the same.

- "her voice is deep, her thoughts are not" - Outpost Daria again.
It's on the Fashion Club character page.  I'm sure if you look hard
enough you can find it.

- "perfect 10 from the Lane jury" - that is from "A Meeting of the
Brains" by Canadibrit.  Look for it right after Lynn scares the crap
out of Upchuck.

- Jane's Polaroid has been mentioned on several occasions.  For the
sake of the story I'm assuming it's an instant camera.

- Likewise, Helen's pocket tape recorders have been mentioned several
times.  She paces in whatever room she happens to be in and records
notes to herself.  I read one story where she threw one at Jake.  (I
believe she said something along the lines of "save me the trouble of
repeating everything for you".)

- In case you couldn't tell, Crystal is supposed to be absent the day
Sandi gets back.