[Absolutely Amy (www.rutherford.net) synopsis: Amy turns smoochy... and has to face the heir to an evil criminal empire.]
[Amy and a rather bemused Andrea walk into the store]
ANDREA: Why the hell are we here?
[Amy simply walks over to the counter, where we see Mr. Phelps.]
AMY: Hey Mr. Phelps... how's the chain going?
PHELPS: It's going really badly. We might have to close it soon, it's doing so badly.
AMY: Oh no...
PHELPS: Got ya'! We're opening five new stores next week.
AMY: Sarcasm...
PHELPS: It's a great way to deal!
ANDREA: Chain?
PHELPS: Yeah... five stores across the state.
AMY: You know, when I licensed the formula to Happy Dough to Mr. Phelps. I don't know how he could afford the money on a teacher's salary, even in the big city.
ANDREA: When was THAT?
AMY: About a week after the whole deal with Big Harv.
ANDREA: Uh huh. And why haven't you told ME this?
AMY: Because I didn't want you to get corrupted again by big city values, and the trappings therein.
ANDREA: F--- that.
PHELPS: Anyway Amy, up for working on a new flavor today?
AMY: Sure.
[We see Upchuck read a newspaper, surrounded by his... angels?]
UPCHUCK: Muhumm... Amy Barksdale is one FEISTY lady... too bad my boss has ordered me to... dispose of her!
STACY: Can't we just recycle her?
SANDI: St-acy... people aren't like ketchup containers.
STACY: Eww!
UPCHUCK: Actually, my lovely young apprentice has a point... if Amy could be made to service us... resistance would be futile!
TIFFANY: But... how would we turn Amy to our side?
UPCHUCK: Well, I'm already working on taking care of _that_. Soon, Amy will be powerless against us! (cackle)
[We fade out and fade back into...]
AMY: Andrea, come in here!
[Andrea walks in, cell phone glued to her head.]
PHELPS: I didn't know you had a cell phone...
ANDREA: I don't. It's just a mockup, because AMY wouldn't let me have a real one.
AMY: Well, here's something I _will_ let you have... a new flavor of happy dough!
ANDREA: Yum... [looks at it] ... why is this PINK?
AMY: It's not pink, it's mulberry. Try some!
ANDREA: You first...
AMY: Ok!
[Amy starts gobbling up the happy dough, and then gobbles some more, and then...]
ANDREA: Is something wrong?
AMY: Nope!
[Amy runs over and gives Andrea and Mr. Phelps big smooches!]
ANDREA: Eap!
AMY: Want some of the dough before I finish it?
ANDREA: Um, no.
AMY: Darn.
[Amy then turns over to write the ingredient list... and then finds out she can't write...]
AMY: Oh, no.
ANDREA: What?
AMY: I just realized it now. Someone tainted the ingredients for the happy dough!
PHELPS: How could someone do THAT? We just got all the ingredients in today?
AMY: I have to find out...
PHELPS: I'm sure you will, you're the best at this sort of thing.
[Amy gives Phelps a big smoooch, calls Andrea, and walks out of the store.]
PHELPS: [on his working cell phone] The plan is working... now where's my money???
Tommorow on Lifetime... yet another made-for-tv movie about a woman facing a dire problem, and somehow pulling it all together in the last 15 minutes so she can live to tell about it.
[A very tired looking Andrea with a LOT of lipstick on her cheeks, and a very bouncy happy Amy enter the room...]
RUTH: Hey guys... Andrea, what hap...
AMY: Mom! And Rita! [Amy runs over and regles them with smooches]
RUTH: Oh.
RITA: What was THAT for?
AMY: I just felt like it... that and Kristovo is coming over soon!
ANDREA: Poor, poor Kristovo.
[The door suddenly rings, and Amy walks over, opens it, and gives him a big smoooch. (what else?)]
KRISTOVO: Aw, Amy! (he kisses her back chastely) The movie starts in an hour...
AMY: Cool...
[Amy and Kristovo walk out, as we fade into...]
SANDI: Amy and her boyfriend or whatever are going to get here soon.
TIFFANY: How did you find that out?
SANDI: Upchuck knows a lot of things, like the password to the local ISP.
STACY: Oh, cool, I always wanted to own an ISP!
SANDI: St-acy, that's spelled 0-w-n.
STACY: Sorry!
TIFFANY: How do you misspell something outloud?
STACY: Ssh... the movie's almost ready to start!
SANDI: Now all we have to do, is, like, wait for it to be OVER.
[Amy and Kristovo walk out... and are suddenly confronted by Upchuck's Angels.]
SANDI: Hahaha. We have you now.
TIFFANY: You will be assimilated.
SANDI: Resistance is futile, or whatever.
STACY: So you're coming with us!
KRISTOVO: No, she's coming with me. Later.
[Amy and Kristovo start walking away... and Sandi breaks out her mace.]
AMY: Oh NO you don't!
[Amy puts on some lipstick, and smooches Upchuck's "Angels", who quickly fall asleep.]
KRISTOVO: The smooch of sleep. Good thinking Amy!
AMY: Thanks... [smooches Kristovo, who quickly falls asleep as well.]
AMY: Oops.
[Amy carries Kristovo to her car, and drives off...]
TIFFANY (who is usually asleep to begin with): Eap.
Commercial: Coming out on home video, sooner or later...
-----
Beavis: Mhehehheh... fire! fire!
Butt-head: This is going to be cool.
---
Butt-head: Extraneous arseus!
[Beavis does an impression of Bottom from Shakesphere's "Scottish Play".
After Puck is done with him.]
Butt-head: Magic kicks ass.
Beavis: Nheheh.
-----
[Amy takes out an inhaler and uses it to wake Kristovo back up.]
AMY: Sorry about that... I've been getting carried away lately.
KRISTOVO: Wow... that was SOME smooch!
AMY: I thought so. Anyway... I need to get in touch with HQ.
[Amy picks up the phone and calls into HQ]
AMY: Hello... one of them said Upchuck... a heir to a large criminal
empire? Trying to prove his worth by turning me weak and helpless by
making me smoochy? And how did you find all THIS out? Oh, yeah, you're
part of the whole Echelon thing... Well... there's only one thing I can
do about that!
KRISTOVO: I take it we have some work to do...
AMY: Ooh yeah.
KRISTOVO: It's cool how it's so easy to get information these days.
AMY: Yeah. I think it's a conspiracy.
KRISTOVO: I guess we'll just have to look into that someday.
AMY: Guess so... [Amy gives Kristovo a smooch for luck, as they walk
into
the lair...]
UPCHUCK (via loudspeaker): Amy Barksdale... you're even more feisty than
I ever dreamed! You MUST come into my lair...
KRISTOVO: This guy just pisses me off. It's time to kick ass and chew
bubble gum. And damnit, I'm out of gum.
AMY: Good thing I brought some with me...
[Amy hands him the gum, and a gun.]
UPCHUCK: Amy... so glad you could make it here.
[Amy, not saying a word... swings Upchuck around and literally kicks his,
well, you know.]
KRISTOVO: [as Amy handcuffs Upchuck] I didn't think it would be this
easy.
AMY: Me neither.
UPCHUCK: So much for my stake in the empire...
[Just then, his father appears on the projection screen]
CRjr: You have failed me for the last time!
[CR 2 then tightens his hand, and Upchuck falls on the ground, in great
pain...]
CRjr: As for you...
AMY: Run!
[Amy and Kristovo carry upchuck and run out of the building, get into
Kristovo's Hummer (tm), and drive off right before the building blows up.
All twenty stories of it.]
KRISTOVO: [As debris bounces off the Humvee's roof] Good thing we took
my car.
AMY: Yeah. Burning debris ruins my hair.
ANDREA: So, it was all that easy?
AMY: Yeah... but there's still his father to deal with, and I also have
to track down Mr. Phelps for tinkering with my Happy Dough.
KRISTOVO: That said, it _is_ wonderful dough. We could make a lot of
money off of this.
[Kristovo takes some of the 'special' dough, eats it, and smooches Amy.]
ANDREA: You people just make me sick.
AMY: We aim to please.
[Kristovo and Amy throw some of the dough at Andrea, as we fade to black.]
Authors Notes:
I wrote this in about one and a half hours, just before the release of
CE's AA story. Therefore it's completely silly and irrelevant, and any
resemblance to the _real_ Abruptly Amy episodes is purely coincidental.
But then again, isn't that the way many Dariafics are?
The basic idea was that I thought of "Suddenly Smoochy" first, and then
pondered what it would be like if Amy became smoochy. :) The villians,
such as they are, just fit in... and I was basically in a manic mood as I
wrote it...
And I might just bring another twisted AA fic into the world. You never
know... ;-)
Thanks for reading!
Really written by Chad Page (cpage@silcom.com)
ACT 3
Scene 1: Amy's bedroom.
Scene 2: Just outside Upchuck's lair.
Scene 2.5: Just inside Upchuck's lair.
Scene 3: Back in the Barksdale residence
The End.