[The Plot: Rita falls asleep drunk and dreams herself into being Lister from Red Dwarf... but how long will the insanity continue?] ABRUPTLY AMY in "Silly Sci-Fi Crossover" by PBC Act 1, Scene 1: Barksdale living room. Red Dwarf is on the TV. Rita: Want a soda? Amy: Sure... (Amy takes a drink, and then a sniff) Amy: Rita??? You've snuck rum into the cokes! Rita: (hic) They were left over from before I stopped drinking. Amy: And why are you drinking them NOW? Rita: Becuase I couldn't stand to see it go to waste... Amy: What kind of reasoning is _that_? You're going to be a no-good drunk for the rest of your life - probably three million years from now if you live that long. Rita: Aw, shut the smeg up. (Rita drifts off, as we fade to...) Scene 2: Red Dwarf, Lister and Rimmer's quarters. For the purposes of this fic, actually Rita and Amy's... (Lieutenant Amy Barksdale walks in and finds Second Technician Rita Barksdale drinking. Again.) Amy: Rita, you smeghead... don't you know not to drink in your own bunk? If you puke, it'll be all over me. Rita: Well, in that case, it would well used puke. And maybe then Kristovo will actually leave you alone for a few hours. Amy: Don't you remember, Kristovo is _my_ boyfriend? Why is it that you want to take my entire LIFE? First you join the Space Corps, then you get assigned to my bloody ship, and then you pull out a dusty Space Corps regulation to force them to assign you to be _my_ roomate? Who's the smeghead here? Rita: Well... Dad wanted us _all_ to join, remember? I couldn't help it that they assigned me to _this_ scrapheap. Amy: But at least you didn't have to be my damn bunkmate! You keep ruining my life! (Holly then pops onto the screen) Holly: Rita Barksdale, please report to the Captain's office. Rita: Do I have to? Amy: Yes, you do. Now go! Rita: Oh, okay. (Rita gets up, leaving Amy to some peace and quiet. She actually falls asleep, which is difficult when your roomate plays Plutonium rock at 3AM.) Scene 3: Captain's Quarters. On a ship like this Captain's Nickels might be more apprioate, but that's not really relevant to the story. Helen: Hello Rita. What took you so long? I've got a ship to run here, and waiting around for everyone to follow my orders puts everyone at danger! Rita: Helen, what NOW? Helen: You used a used drive cover plating. It probably won't cause the ship to blow up, but it's highly irresponsible of you. The scutters will get around to fixing it in about a half hour. Rita: Scutters. What do they _know_ about fixing things? Helen: They know enough to look at the task list and whine that it's just too menial for them. And then we give it to you. Anyway, since you're my sister, I won't assign you to the maximum securiity brig. I'll just assign you to stasis, and then you will be cort marshalled at the end of the trip. Rita: Oh, sounds fair enough. Helen: FAIR ENOUGH? I wish you could spend the whole time dreaming that you're on the ferris wheel listening to some teenage girl about some guy who dumped her. But no, you'll just wake up when it's over. Now go before I decide to confine you to the brig. (Rita leaves along with a guard to the stasis chamber.) Helen: (sigh) They don't pay me enough to show up in Abruptly Amy. Me: (OS) This is a fanfic. Helen: Oh dear. What am I _doing_ here then, in a cheesy parody fanfic? I've got legal briefs to go over back in Lawndale. The _real_ Lawndale. (Helen runs off, leaving the room very quiet) Scene 4: The Stasis Booth, 3 million years after Scene 3. Amazingly there appears to be no decay. (Rita wakes up) Rita: So... how long will it be until I go into stasis? Guard, where did you go? (looks around) Damn, I was going to ask him out. Holly: Kinda tough to do that when he's been dead for three million years. Although he wouldn't be able to say no. Rita: Dead? What happened to him? Did he suddenly fall into a white hole? And why can't Amy die so I won't have to be miserable? Holly: Everyone's dead, Rita. Except you, but you'll be there quite soon. Rita: Like... you released me only to see me die? Holly: Well, the background radiation level dropped to acceptable levels a million years ago... and then I just got bored and decided to release you. Rita: So how long do I have? Holly: About a hundred and fifty years. Rita: That's a long time. Holly: It's a blink of an eye if you're an AI which has been stewing about for as long as I have. Scene 5: Some random corridor on the way to the command deck. Rita: So what you're telling me is that everyone's dead because of the old drive plate. Holly: That's about the jist of it. Rita: So how come nothing's decayed? Holly: The scutters can operate the shipboard refineries... most of the ship's been replaced about three times. Rita: What about you. Holly: I haven't needed anything. I haven't developed a touch of senility yet. Or any short term memory loss, or anything like senility. Rita: You do know you just said you weren't senile twice in a row. Holly: Oh, oops. It's tough being an AI with an IQ of 6,000 sometimes. (Rita walks down the hall, into the command deck, and then sees...) Amy and Rita: EAP! END ACT 1 --- ACT 2 Scene 1: Command Deck Rita: Holly, why did you recreate my smegging sister? Holly: Space Corp directive 010101-42 dictates that on a ship with the computer power to generate only one hologram, that the hologram in question must be that of the most important person on the ship who is dead. Rita: So why isn't the captain here? Holly: That's easy. Amy Barksdale is a SBI agent. Therefore directive 010101-43 dictates that she is the most essential person on this ship. Rita: That is so wrong! Holly: Tell me about it. I've had to deal with 34,891 copies of Amy after each other over the last three million years. Made me bored enough to wake you up. Rita: Holly... why do you make that sound like a BAD thing? Holly: It got tiresome after telling the fifth Amy about what happened to the ship. So I decided to make the sixth Amy entirely mad. It's interesting what you can do to a hologram's personality. I made the 1,431th Amy fall in love with me, even. Amy: Bleh... me, in love with you? Ha! Holly: Tell me about it. I had to shut her down after a few years, she had just gotten to whiny for me. If I wanted to watch a neurotic woman in love I'd watch reruns of Ally McBeal. Rita: So why don't you just bring back, say, Kristovo to life? Holly: Well, on the one hand the directive prevents me from doing that... and on the other Amy's rather pleasant to look at. Amy: Hey! Holly: Well, at least once I remembered to apply the plastic surgery. Otherwise I would have become an insane sadist by now. Amy: As opposed to... Rita: Hey, what about getting this ship HOME so I can see the rest of my family? Holly: Well, aside from being 400,000 light years from Earth, there's the slight fact that everyone there is dead too. (Rita breaks down and cries) Amy: It's ok. You've still got me, afterall. Rita: Really? Amy: Yeah. Rita: So where are we? Holly: In a really long first scene of Act 2 of an Abruptly Amy fanfic. Amy: Fanfic? You brought me back as a hologram for a fanfic? Holly: You have to figure that even Alan Smithee isn't knackered enough to do something like this. Amy: Well... you do have a point. Rita: Actually I thought just about anything could happen on our show. Amy: OUR show? Rita: Well, there was that last episode where we got picked up by that group of aliens to help them fight off some bad aliens, while convincing everyone that we weren't actors... Amy: Rita, that's the plot of Galaxy Quest. Rita: Sarcasm. It's a great way to deal. Amy: Are you _still_ trying to steal my life away from me? This is why I never told you about the SBI agent bit. Rita: What life? You've been dead for 3,000,000 years, and you're not even the first hologram of Amy. Or the ten thousandth. Holly: The ten thousandth Amy was a lot more interesting. Amy: I would have lived a full normal, solid life if it weren't for your incompetent mangling. And I was actually GOING places. Rita: Yeah, like the closet with Kristovo. Amy: And what do YOU know about that closet? Rita: Um, well... nothing! Amy: Got'cha. Rita: Damn! Holly: Can someone please finally end this scene? I need a soda. Amy: Holly, you're a computer. You don't drink. Holly: I guess that explains the fire on Tuesday then. --- Scene 2: A day or two later, in a workshop. Amy: So _there_ you are Rita... are you building an Android Army to take over the Earth? Rita: (snarling) I'm only building ONE android. I need some solid companionship. Amy: As opposed to the plastic battery powered kind. Rita: A-mee! How could you even _suggest_ such a thing? Amy: Because I had the misfortune of cleaning under your bed when you moved out. Rita: That... that... was a birthday present! (Holly suddenly appears on the screen...) Holly: Emergency. Emergency. There's like an emergency going on. (bt) Or whatever. Amy: What _now_? Holly: There's a small cruiser loaded with weapons closing in at 0.6 light speed. Rita: So just _outrun_ them! Holly: There's no time for that. You know how long it takes for this ship to beat that? Amy: I don't know... tell me. Holly: I was hoping one of you would remember. Rita: Well then, FIND OUT! (The ship lurches into acceleration... but not quite quickly enough) Holly: It's no good. They're matching our acceleration. Amy and Rita: Smeg! Scene 3: The enemy ship... (... which is oddly dark and shadowy, as if there was no time to finish building the set. We can see the outline of two henchmen, and a menacing figure in the captain's chair...) Henchman #1: We've almost finished intercepting the ship! Henchman #2: Do you want me to blow it up? Bam, bam, bam! Captain: No, you embicile! That's why you're not AT weapons! (Henchman #2 runs over to the 'weapons console') Henchman #2: How do I fire again? Captain: Um, that's not the weapon's console, Kevin! *sigh* why do I have to do everything by myself here? (The Captain hits a button, causing a control panel to split from his chair and rotate up, giving him control over the whole ship...) Captain: Now, Amy Barksdale, you are MINE! HAHAHAHA! Scene 4: Back on the Dwarf... Holly: There's an energy reading from the other ship... a pretty good one at that. Amy: What are they doing? Holly: If I didn't know... eep! Look behind you! (Amy and Rita turn around, to hear...) Evil Tom: I have returned.... hahahahahahaha! Amy: Eap! Evil Tom: Now, it is time for me to... oh no! You're a HOLOGRAM! Damnit! Damnit damnit damnit! Now who am I going to have my evil way with? Rita: Um, I'm still here... Evil Tom: Gah... all I want is Amy! (Rita, looking bemused, activates the new robot... who wakes up and glares at Tom, at least as much as a mechanoid can) Kryten: Oh no! My master is in trouble! Where's that groinal socket laser attachment when I need it? Amy: The censors confiscated it. Kryten: Smeg. (Cue pseudo-Star Trek fight music, as Evil Tom walks over to Kryten...) Evil Tom: You DARE think of destroying me? Kryten: Yes, I do... (Kryten then punches Evil Tom so hard that sparks appear to fly out of Kryten's hand... which is rather odd since his hand is heavily insulated) Evil Tom: Noooo.... you'reeeeee killiiiiiinnnggg mmmmeeeeeee.... Rita: Good going Kryten! But you're not supposed to kill humans! Kryten: He's not human. He's a series 8000 mechanoid. My sucker punch was just a lucky shot, he shouldn't have died that easily... Evil Tombot: OF COURSE NOT! I'M GOING TO SELF DESTRUCT INSTEAD! HAHAHAHA! Amy: But if you blow us all up, how can there be an Act 3? Evil Tombot: There won't be... because we'll all be DEAD! Rita: But we can't lo... (boom) (Evil Tombot explodes... and causes a chain reaction that destroys the Dwarf... and gives the real Rita a pounding headache) Scene 5: Barksdale living room Amy: What happened to YOU Rita? Rita: Grr... I had this awesome Red Dwarf dream... until Evil Tom showed up. You were a spineless... hologram! Amy: And still, I'm far livelier than you could ever be. Rita: Uh huh, sure... Amy: Sarcasm. It's a great way to deal. And stop drinking, ok? Rita: Grrr... (Rita falls over... and Amy takes a blanket and puts it over Rita...) Amy: Sigh... when will you learn that drinking's a lousy way to deal? THE END --- Authors Notes: Do re me fa so la ti do... (repeat above 500 times to make this longer than Carrie D. Wildly's notes... I'll show _her_ who's boss! ; > ) I just wanted to write another awesome fanfic, and Scar54 gave me like this dare to write one without happy dough and stuff. And nobody has ever done a real crossover/merger in AA fanficdom before (except that cops thing, but Amy was still Amy then), so this should be plenty original. I guess my biggest regret is not adding any fanservice to it, I'd hate to watch this as an episode without it. But I figure Alan and Milo would add some if they decided to buy it or whatever. And maybe they'd let that laser into the show too. Thanks for reading, and please vote for me again as one of the top five Abruptly Amy fanfiction writers! It means so much! - PBC ------ REAL author's notes: I wrote most of this back in January when I was in Hawaii, where they actually air Red Dwarf. The LA PBS station is one of those stuffy ones which dosen't air anything cool... sigh. I worked on it a little bit in February, and then threw the ending on later. Seriously... thanks for reading... and thanks to everyone who's made AA such a fun experience! - Chad