(Sound of someone blowing the dust off a record then putting it on) The theme song "There She Goes" by Boo Radley begins to play. (Yes, I have to be different) There she goes... There she goes again. She's racing through my brain. And I just can't contaaain This feeling that remains. There she goes... "ABRUPTLY AMY in "COPS", RUDELY RUTH in "GENERIC COOKING SHOW" and ANGRY ANDREA in "REAL WORLD" or so they think." By Napalm Krigbaum SCENE ONE Amy and Andrea are driving her red convertible down a street lined with large buildings. Amy is talking to a camera like in 'COPS'. "Can't Turn You Loose" plays softly in the background. Amy and Andrea look the same as always except Amy ahs on a blue FBI windbreaker. 9:46 AM appears at the bottom of the screen as well as the name SPECIAL AGENT DOCTOR AMY BARKSDALE- RUTHERFORD, CONN. POLICE DEPARTMENT AMY (to camera) Rutherford. It's a real sin city, and crime lurks at every corner. You know I first started doing this whole FBI thing because I wanted to help people. And for the college money, because let's face it, Mom just could never afford to send me with just our own pitiful reserves. Anyway,since I joined the FBI life has never been the same and I have been making differences in people's lives and- (cut off) ANDREA WATCH OUT! (grabs the wheel and swerves the car out of the way of an oncoming car.) Mom, thats the second time in five minutes! Watch where you're driving, and who the Hell have you been talking to for the last twenty minutes? AMY (points over her shoulder) To the COPS people! ANDREA (looks back there and sees nothing) There's no one back there! Mom, sometimes I think you've really lost it. AMY (smiles) I love you too Andrea. ANDREA (rolls her eyes) Forget what I said, I know you've lost it. And why are we doing this patrolling? I'm an anarchist! I hate cops! You're an UNDERCOVER FBI agent, not that your secret isn't safe with EVERYONE in town. AMY But Andrea, Rutherford needs all the help it can get to overcome this crime wave- (cut off) ANDREA A kid robbed a liquor store two weeks ago. AMY In Rutherford that's a crime wave.Now where was I? Oh yes, We need to over come this crime wave in time for the big concert tonight. ANDREA (eyes ligh up) Yeah, the one with Rage Against the Machine! AMY I don't approve of them, but whatever keeps kids from going out and destroying things mindlessly. ANDREA Jeez you just don't get it! AMY (smiles) I love you. Anyway, we have an important job here, patrolling the mean streets, and it allows us to do some mother daughter bonding. (tough cop tone, like Jackie from Roseanne's cop tone) So, what's your favorite flavor donut? ANDREA Cynide. AMY Cynide? Andrea- Suddenly a black and white 1990 Crown Victoria police car flies by them doing at least 90, according to Amy's dash mounted radar gun. AMY See! Criminal perps already! ("Can't Turn You Loose" suddenly transforms into "I Can't Turn You Loose".) Grab the siren! Andrea looks back but sees no siren. ANDREA You forgot to bring it oh genius mother of mine. AMY Can you do me a favor and make the siren noises with your mouth? ANDREA Damn You've lost it! AMY (smiles) I love you too. ANDREA And what's up with that 'I love you' line? AMY The moral of today's story- unconditional motherly love! (smiles) ANDREA (points ahead) Just gun the damn engine! They're getting away! AMY (giddy) Roger good buddy! Over and out! Glad to see you're in the spirit! Amy really guns the engine and her convertible starts to catch up with the maruading ex-police car. The car moves fast down the road. AMY (into her police band radio transmitter) This is Agent Barksdale pursuing a black and white Ford sedan, Illinois license plate BRV 794, doing 90 down S. Eichler Road. Over. DISPATCHER (over mike) Over. Sending back up Agent Barksdale. ANDREA Come on Mother-Dumbest, they're getting away! The ex-cop car turns a sharp corner and Amy follows the manuever. AMY Breaking the law in a police car, how sacreligious! ANDREA Kinda cool really. Out running pigs in a pigmobile just to spite them. The car continue down the road then turns into a mini-mall's parking lot. Amy follow it and then the black and white car does a hard bootlegger turn and comes at Amy. Amy just shifts into the next gear. ANDREA What are you doing Nutjob?! You're gonna get us killed! Stop playing chicken. AMY Come on Andrea, shake a tail feather! ANDREA What? The two cars roar toward each other, but what Amy doesn't notice is the large lump in the center of the parking lot between her and the joy rider. The black and white Crown Vic hits the lump and goes sailing over Amy's car. Andrea and Amy both duck as the Crown Vic lands behind them and drives out of the parking lot and joins the traffic. Amy on the other hand is hurling toward a brick wall at 100 miles an hour. She hits the brakes hard and skids toward the wall very fast. ANDREA AAAAHHHHHHHH! AMY This reminds me of a song..... They just barely tap the brick wall with the front bumper. ANDREA (shaking) How much is hazardous duty pay again? AMY Who said anything about getting payed? ANDREA We just went through that and we're not getting paid?! AMY Of course not! We're doing this to give back to the community. (pause) And to make up for that community center you torched. ANDREA Oh, yeah. A moment later six black and white '87 Crown Victorias show up. We now see that the entire Rutherford police force has gotten here. A large cop chewing a donut gets out of his car and makes his way to Amy's car. Amy has gotten out, and seeing the dent begins kicking her car and swearing profusely. OFFICER BENSON (in a thick Boston accent) Are you okay? AMY (kicking her car) No I'm not! When Red's not okay I'M not okay, okay? (stops the kicking for a moment and smiles) But thanks for asking. (goes back to her hissy fit) Curse them! They ruined my car! BENSON So how does kicking it help? AMY (angry, in tears) It makes me feel better, and when I feel better Red feels better! BENSON But...? ANDREA Just don't okay? As much as I'd love to see her beat a cop, just don't try to understand, she'll go home, cry to Kristovo, have sex loudly for a few hours after the initially heavy petting and then everything will be back to normal. She's basically a sexually active five year old, just minus the maturity and self contol. Officer Benson looks a bit uneasy with the way too much information he'd been given. ANDREA You're Southern baptist aren't you? Benson nods his head. ANDREA (happily) Sex! Sex! Sex! Tonight shes going to puff his stogie and he's going to ride the cinnamon red rocket! Benson then makes a run for his car and the six cops all drive away. ANDREA (shakes her head) I can do this in my sleep. (pause) And I sleep a lot. SCENE TWO In the Bake Sale Ruth is humming and making pancakes. RUTH (talking to the camera) There's an art to this. (she flips a pancake in a pan) da-da-dum! Now this should be done in a few mintues. Amy and Andrea walk in. AMY(flashes a badge) Agent Barksdale, you know what I need and I'm on patrol so make it fast. RUTH I'll be back to you people in a minute. (turns to Amy) AMY I get a discount for showing the shield right? ANDREA (rolls her eyes) That's a laminated card. AMY Phsyically, but on a higher metaphysical level its probably a shield. ANDREA Or a laminated piece of paper. AMY Or that too! RUTH Amy, I give you the donuts for free every day, and I even turn a blind eye when you steal a box every morning in hopes your butt will get fatter making your sister more eligible and look better to the men. AMY Watch out mom, you're offending the head of the Rutherford Branch of the FBI! ANDREA Or maybe you're just a headcase. AMY (smiles) I love you too Annie! ANDREA (angry) I'll be in the car Officer Dorksdale. AMY (shakes her head, Ruth grabs some donuts) It's sad. After all this time she still can't get our last name right. RUTH Amy, you're my daughter and I love you. AMY (smiles) I love you too! RUTH But I mean it sincerely when I say (firmly) Get a clue. (hands Amy the donuts) Go, please. AMY Thanks mom! (turns to the 'camera' behind her shoulder) See how much having a badge helps? RUTH (confused) Who are you talking too? AMY The COPS people. From Ruth's POV only Amy is in the Bake Sale. RUTH ? Amy walks to the door. AMY Gotta run, the mean streets call. RUTH It must be that Kristovo's fault, crazy foreigner's got her not knowing right from left, or is it wrong? Oh well. (turns back to her 'camera') Now the secret to a good pancake is... SCENE THREE Back on the mean streets, this one is a busy looking street lined with large buildings and offices. "Soul Finger w/ Funk Broadway" starts to play. 11:38 AM AMY I used to play on these streets when I was only a youth. Now they're so dirty and gang ridden its not safe for little girls with dreams off joining the FBI and having Cuban lovers to play in any more. ANDREA The only gang around here is the moped driving preppies who ride the speed limit and say "yes ma'am and no ma'am". AMY But I know they're hiding something, like the DC drug dealers, we see them daily and know they're doing something, but we can't produce the hard evidence to prove it. (to the COPS people) DC is cop lingo for Washington DC. ANDREA Good thing you told me or I would have never figured it out Screwball. AMY Glad I could help.(smiles) I love you! The traffic lightens and Amy starts to cruise down a side street when a call comes through. DISPATCHER (on mike) Calling all units, calling all units, be advised a proffessional mafia driver man who is supposedly an undercover NYPD cop is in Rutherford driving a bitchin' black 1970's Chevelle, repeat a mafia driver and possible undercover cop might be in town driving a bitchin' black Chevelle, like the one John on Graden Road owns, but his isn't black you know, anyway be on the look out. AMY (in mike) Over and out. (to COPS) Looks like we might have a car chase on our hands! ANDREA (faking to the COPS camera) Let's just hope Penelope Pitstop doesn't screw it up. AMY (turns to Andrea) Don't talk to the COPS people like that! (Looks ahead and sees the aforementon bitchin' black Chevelle pull out in front of them.) ANDREA There he is! AMY Don't have to tell me twice! (floors it and gives chase) Wooooo- woooooooo-woooo! ANDREA No it goes like this (cups her hands) Weeeeeoooooooowwwwww! Weeeeeoooooowwwww! AMY Are you sure? ANDREA You'd think anyone that's been chased by cops as often as I have would know how a siren sounds! AMY Okay, but in DC it was Weeeeeeeerrrrroooooo Weeeeerrrrroooo! Amy and Andrea are looking at each other, no one is watching the road and they are weaving in and out of lanes doing 120. ANDREA That's because DC is screwed up, all decent sirens go wweeeeeeeooooooowwwww! wwwweeeeeoooooowwww! Only cops with sirens like that have caught me! AMY Fine, you be the siren then. ANDREA Screw you, you do the siren. AMY Fine, (cups her hands) wwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww! Andrea grabs the wheel and swerves. ANDREA Watch it you nuerotic freak! AMY (takes the wheel and smiles) I love you! Weeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooowwwwwwww! Weeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooowwwwwww! ANDREA (crosses her arms) Fine, do that, but we're not going to catch him. AMY Weeeeeeeeooooooooowwwwwwwwww! What was that Andrea, I couldn't hear you over the siren, maybe I should turn them off. ANDREA (angry, spiteful) But don't you have to have them on in a chase? AMY Good point. Weeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooowwwwwwwww!!!!! Amy flies passed a red light, a cop spots the speeding car and its howling occupant so it turns on its siren and gives chase. In the patrol car. MITCHELL (in mike) This is Officer Mitchell in Car 2, requesting back up to stop a red convertible with a possible mental patient behind the wheel. DISPATCHER (over mike) Does this cars driver happen to be a female with brown hair and large busoms? MITCHELL (grins) Yes, sir! DISPATCHER (on mike) Then that's Agent Barksdale giving chase, damn you new guys don't know anything, give her back up! The chase continues. The car is doing its best to shake them by going into the two oncoming traffic lanes. Amy follows as does the cop. AMY (to COPS) Sometimes these chases can get real exciting, I live for moments like this! ANDREA That isn't what you told Kristovo. The chase continues, this guy can't shake Amy as he weaves and moves throughtout the incoming and outgoing traffic. Suddenly, as they get within feet of the guy Amy hits the brakes and it throughs Andrea forward. ANDREA Why did you do that? We almost had them! AMY Cover me! Amy grabs a pillow from the bag in the backseat and jumps out of the car. She starts off after a man on the street. AMY Freeze, police! The man breaks into a run and she follows him, first they round a corner, then they keep going ad he shoves a garbage can in her way, she trips and rolls and keeps going. AMY (yelling) Don't make me chase you! It'll piss me off if I have to (breathes hard) Chase you! The man runs into an apartment building and Amy follows, they run up the stairs and then he runs into a hall. He's standing near the window at the end and Amy is still a good 20 feet away. AMY (breathes hard) That.....(breathes harder) was.....somerunning. (Doubles over and totally winded) Gotta...stay....in.....shapemoreoften. The young man walks by Amy on his way back down. AMY (breathes hard) Stop.....Toomanydonuts. The man walks outside and looks at the building. Then Amy throws him on the ground. She sits with her knees on his chest and hits him with the pillow. AMY Thought you could get away? HOOD How policia girl? Amy hits him with the pillow. AMY I ran and crashed through the window, landed in another apartment complex and ran down here to apprehend you. HOOD But wouldn't it of - (hit with the pillow) AMY What's my name? HOOD Huh? (hit again) AMY What's my name? Hint- Amy Barksdale. HOOD Amy Barksdale! AMY (hits him with the pillow again) Are you a recidivist? HOOD Maybe. AMY Wrong answer. (hits him again) HOOD No! AMY Are you going to break anymore laws? HOOD Uh... AMY (hits him with the pillow) No. HOOD No! Amy gets up and looks down at him. AMY Now....what's my name? HOOD (yelling) AMY! AMY Okay, you can go now. The hood takes off running as Andrea walks up. ANDREA What did you that for?AMY That man was littering. ANDREA (angry) YOU STOPPED CAR CHASE TO CATCH A LITTER BUG?!?! AMY He was local, so if I didn't stop him now he'd do it again. That car guy will be moving on soon. ANDREA So why did you let him go? AMY He looked honest when he said he wouldn't do it again. ANDREA That was the guy who robbed the liquor store last week. And what's with the pillow? AMY I didn't want him to call police brutality! ANDREA Great going. What was that Ph. D for again? Stupidity or Teacher Sleeping? AMY (smiles) I love you too. ANDREA (shakes her fist) Errrrr! SCENE Umm.... Whatever number comes after the last one. It's nearly sunset and the red convertible is still just cruising. 5:56 PM. AMY (to COPS) We have just another four mintues till that concert that my partner wants to see so much starts. ANDREA Then let's go there now! AMY But the patrol last another four minutes and it would be morally wrong to stop working early. Besides, the COPS people would have that all on tape. (pause) Wait, this is all on tape too! ANDREA There are no COPS people, you've just flipped and lost that little wad of gum you have for a mind and THINK the COPS people are back there! AMY (smiles) I love you too Annie! ANDREA And what's up with the 'Annie' bit dumbass? AMY See? You have a little nickname for me and I have one for you too partner! Andrea fumes and is visibly ticked. Then the black and white Crown Vic flies by. AMY They just never learn. Amy goes into last gear, but the Crown Vic with its 356 inch V-8 Interceptor is more than a match for the little red convertible. They do some fancy driving but Amy follows all of it. AMY (angry, aggressive)Want to play horse? Fine, we'll play horse! A parking lot is coming up on the left hand side of the road and the Crown Vic pulls in. Amy follows close behind. The Crown Vic then starts to spin in place. Amy stops and watches. ANDREA H. AMY (watching the car) The Crown Vic then without stopping its spin just spins itself back onto the road and back around the way they where heading, Amy pulls out and starts off after them. ANDREA O. AMY (gritted teeth) I LOVE YOU, TOO. They turn a corner real hard and Amy does the same, but hits a trash can. ANDREA R. (pause) Hey, you forgot about the siren. AMY I've got a better idea. They can outrun Red, but they can't outrun a motorola (picks up the mike) This is Agent Barksdale heading west down Grandstaff. Requesting back up in pursuit of a black and white Ford sedan. Over. DISPATCHER (over mike) Back up is coming over. AMY (to mike) Is use of unnecessary violence also approved? DISPATCHER (over mike) We have identified the occupants of the vehicle you are pursuing as one, Elwood J. Blues, one Mac McTeer, one Cabel Chamberlain, and one Buster Blues, so yes, use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved. As the dispatcher says this three A-1 Skyraiders fly over head with their supercharged turbofans roaring at full power. "Ride of the Valkyries" plays. ANDREA What the? AMY Sandys. (over mike) Sandy One this is Red One do you read me, over? A shot of the pilot in his craft. SANDY ONE We read you Red One, over. AMY (over mike) Bandit about 100 yards ahead of me, try the napalm. Back to Amy, now distancing herself from Bluesmobile. ANDREA Napalm?! But doesn't that- AMY Stick to kids? Yes, that and everything else. ANDREA A You're freakin' mad! AMY (smiles) I love you too Annie! The first of the nimble bombers flies right infront of the Bluesmobile and drops its canister. A huge wall of fire comes up. Amy stops her convertible and they watch from a distance. ANDREA And me without my marshmallows. AMY (turned to the COPS camera)Look was a life wasted on crime can do. Its sad, really, it didn't have to end this way, I could have easily brought in a SWAT team. (giggles) But this looks much cooler! ELWOOD Who are you talking to? Amy turns to see the driver of the Bluesmobile as it pulls up beside her. ELWOOD That basting sauce is best when used on Gooks and Japs. Not Americans. He then drives away. Amy and Andrea get into Red and fly off in pursuit. AMY (over mike) Send in everything you've got. A flurry of Huey helicopters and Cobra gunships fly over head. The entire State police and all six of the Rutehrford cars are setting up road blocks and patrols. A SWAT team is coming in town. The National Guard is arriving in M-1 Tanks and M-113's and M-2 APC's. And the Neighborhood Watch has been mobilized. Amy is still pursuing the Bluesmobile in a residential area. AMY (to the COPS camera) We got 'em now! The Bluesmobile crashes through a picket fence and Amy follows with teh pieces of fence bouncing off her windshield. Ten cops come and try to circle them, but Elwood crashes through someone's living room window. ANDREA I've got to go to his driving school! AMY (to COPS) These people are an influence so bad they're a bad influence on the bad influences. They have to be stopped! (a pair of underwear hit Amy in the face) Yech. These have been worn! They come out the other end and they continue to follow the Bluesmobile. And by tehy I mean, Amy, Andrea, and twenty police cars and four helicopters. The Bluesmobile goes into the main part of town and run up a ramp. Amy, not thinking, follows them up teh ramp. ANDREA (swears everycussword at the same time) and RSE! AMY (smiles) I love you too! ANDREA God please kill me now! AMY I thought you didn't believe in God? ANDREA I'll convert if he kills me now! AMY It's a bit late for thaaaaaaaa- Amy flies off the ramp and over several buildings. "Let their be Drums" begins to play as the next few police cars get up to the ramp, stop and get run into, the next police car runs into them. Then another and another. The next takes down a low flying helicopter. Then another. In the end every single state trooper, helicopter and Sheriffs car is in a heap up and around this ramp with cries of "They broke my watch!" echoing. Amy then lands directly behind the Bluesmobile in the coliseum. Hundreds of screaming fans are in the building waiting for the band. The Blues Brothers get out of the car, as does their entire band. Amy hops out with handcuffs in one hand and a pistol in the other. AMY You are under arrest. (looks at them) All of you! MANAGER Are you guys the band? AMY No, they're criminals! MANAGER Well we need a band, if one doesn't come soon these kids are liable to break things! ELWOOD With this fine officers permission, and an escape route we'll be the band. If you let us paly we promise to never come back. AMY But- ELWOOD Fine, if you want this (waves at the audience) after you, I'll just let you arrest me right now. AMY (thinks) Fine, go out and play. We couldn't handle all these ticked hormonially charged kids, atleast not without another weapon. (to Andrea) I'll let him go. ANDREA Why? AMY I can see the honesty in his eyes. Andrea looks at Elwood, who is wearing dark sunglasses. ANDREA Moron. AMY (hugs Andrea) I love you too! The music for "Going Back to Miami" begins. ELWOOD We would like to dedicate this song to a recently turbulent chunk of mentally distressed FBI agent who lives at 2 Dzerzhinsky Street. How do we know this? My brother Buster stole your wallet. (pulls out the wallet and tosses it to Amy) Sorry bout that, now without further ado, a song- ELWOOD Going back to my Amy (Going back to my Amy)Going back to my girl (Going back to my girl)I said I'm going back to my Amy (Going back to my Amy)Going back to my girl (Going back to my girl) MAC I've got to get back to my babyAnd take her in my arms againI've got to get back to my babyI ain't seen her since I don't know whenGot to get back now to Conneticut.Lay out in the morning SunGot to get back to my AmyHave a whole lotta funGoing back to my Amy (Going back to my Amy )Going back to my girl, com on (Going back to my girl)I said I'm going back to my my Amy (Going back to my Amy Going back to my girl (Going back to my girl)Look out CAB I'm going back to my Amy (Going back to my Amy )Going back to my girl (Going back to my girl)I said I'm going back to my Amy (Going back to my Amy )Going back to my girl (Going back to my girl) MAC Gotta gotta gotta get back (Gotta gotta gotta get back)I gotta gotta gotta get back (Gotta gotta gotta get back)Gotta gotta gotta get back (Gotta gotta gotta get back)Gotta gotta gotta get back (Gotta gotta gotta get back)Look out! ELWOOD Chicago, IllinoisLos Angeles, CaliforniaPhiladelphia P.A.San FranciscoNew York, New YorkAtlanta, GeorgiaGoing back to my Amy (Going back to my Amy )Going back to my girl (Going back to my girl)I said I'm going back to my Amy (Going back to my Amy )Going back to my girl (Going back to my girl) The crowd cheers. Amy and Andrea are standing back stage. AMY Kristovo will be jealous. ANDREA They were okay I guess. AMY (happy) You liked it? ANDREA I didn't say that. Now let's just go arrest them. They turn back to the stage, but the Blues Brothers have already left. A moment later nearly a thousand cops bust in and point guns at everything. AMY (yells) Too late. MISC. COPS Oh man. All the cops begin to leave. SCENE Who really cares what number it is anyway? Back in Amy's home. Amy and Andrea walk into the living room. Amy turns to the door. AMY Okay people from COPS, but you really have to go now, you can't come in here. ANDREA (to Rita) She's been doing that all day! RITA So has mother. She thinks she has a cooking show. I think I'm going to lose it if this continues. ANDREA Yeah, they're all nuts. Andrea sits down on a stool. "Andrea" appears under her. ANDREA (to the REAL WORLD camera) My mother is nuts and granny isn't much better. RITA Who are you talking to? ANDREA (points to the 'camera') The Real World. RITA (freaked) AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Am I, the freakin' drunk the only sober one here?! AMY (hugs Rita) I love you too! RITA (ticked)What do you think you're doing? AMY Today's episode is all about unconditional sisterly love! ANDREA I thought it was motherly love? AMY Uh....... ANDREA Just end the episode. AMY (Smiles to the audience) I love you too! A moment later pillows bean Amy from all directions as Ruth, Rita and Andrea team up on her. END WRITTEN, PRODUCED, DIRECTED, ILLEGALLY FUNDED AND THEN BOOTLEGGED BY: NAPALM KRIGBAUM I just paid off all the characters to be in this and paid the management to turn a blind eye for the week of this illegally made eps production. Its amazing what giving people money will do. Story copyrighted by Napalm Krigbaum 2001.