A Stacy Orange
By Thomas

This is version three. Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(Lawndale High. Ms. Li is teaching Daria's class. A third of the students are missing)

Ms. Li: So we see that for a totalitarian regime to control its people, it's absolutely necessary for it to control the flow of information. Take, for example, North Korea. Despite the appalling living conditions there, the government can claim that the country is the best there is. Its people accept these lies since they have no real knowledge of the outside world. All the mechanisms necessary for maintaining a totalitarian rule have been described in a work of fiction. Does anyone know what book I am referring to? Yes, Mr. Thompson?

Kevin: Isn't Mr. DiMartino supposed to teach this class?

Ms. Li: Like I said when I came in here, he has the flu. Yes, Ms. Taylor?

Brittany: Star Wars. Luke Skywalker can use the force to control people. Only it doesn't work on Jabba the Hutt.

Ms. Li: Why, oh why am I not allowed to use stun guns? Ms. Morgendorffer.

Daria: I didn't raise my hand.

Ms. Li: You don't have to.

Daria: (Deadpan) It's 1984. Your favorite book, perhaps. You seem to be quite good at this stuff.

Mr. Li: (Not getting it) Thanks. Yes, I consider myself to be quite an expert on the subject of totalitarian rule.

Jodie: I think the book is too pessimistic. I don't believe you can just make people believe anything you want them to.

Ms. Li: No? Let me give you an example. (to Kevin) Mr. Thompson, I think you should go home now.

Kevin: Really? But what about practice?

Ms. Li: As you have no doubt already been told, it's canceled due to the flu epidemic. I want you to go home because your house is on fire.

Kevin: My house is on fire?!

Ms. Li: Yes. Your dad just called. He wants your help in putting the fire out.

(Kevin gets up and runs out)

Ms. Li: (Snort) The small joys of being the principal. (to Jodie) See, Ms. Langdon, you can get people to believe anything you want.

Jodie: I don't think so. You couldn't make Kevin believe football is bad, and I don't think you could get me to believe anything you want.

Ms. Li: I disagree. A month or so of brainwashing and you, like the main character in the book, would believe two and two is five.

Jodie: By using torture you could get people to say two and two is five. But that's different from actually getting them to believe it.

Daria: I have to agree with Ms. Li. Depending on what methods you use, you can get people to believe whatever you want.

(Andrea falls to the floor)

Ms. Li: Not again! This is the fourth time today! That's it! School is closed until Monday.

(The students start to leave)

Ms. Li: And Ms. Taylor. Your little comment has earned you the privilege off getting Ms. Goth home.

Brittany: Who?

Jodie: She means Andrea. I'll give you a hand.

(Daria and Jane are walking down the hall. Behind them comes Jodie and Brittany who are helping Andrea walk)

Jodie: Wait up you guys.

Daria: You need help carrying her?

Jodie: We'll manage. No, I wanted to know why you agreed with Ms. Li.

Jane: I'd like to know that too. It's totally unlike you.

Daria: I think what she said was true. You can get people to believe anything. Take 1984. Winston Smith doesn't just say that two and two is five. In the end he honestly believes it to be true. His will is crushed. He takes anything from authority no matter how absurd it is.

Jodie: But it's a work of fiction. I don't think such a person exists. With absolutely no will of his own I mean.

Daria: I bet you he or she does exist.

Jodie: You're on. But how'll we settle it?

Daria: When I find this person.

Jodie: Call me when you do.

(Jodie, Brittany and Andrea walk away.)

Jane: So, does this mean you'll meet other people?

Daria: I hope not. I've a feeling that I already know this person. If only I could remember from where.

(Lawndale High. The fashion club is walking down the hall)

Quinn: Have you seen the new kid? He's so good looking.

Stacy: You're right, Quinn.

Sandi: *Hello*? He's *not* good looking. Haven't you guys seen his car?

Stacy: Oh, yes. You're right, Sandi.

(Next day. Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen and Quinn are eating breakfast, Jake is reading the paper)

Quinn: It's so great that school's out. I'm going to spend the entire day at Cashman's.

Helen: I wonder why Daria didn't show up. It's not like her to be late for breakfast. Jake, will you look for her? (no reaction) Jake?!

Jake: What?

Helen: Daria's missing.

Jake: (Looks around) So she is. (goes back to reading his paper)

Helen: Jake!

Jake: What?

Helen: Go find her.

Jake: Who?

(Daria's room. Daria is looking pale and laying in her bed. Jake comes in)

Jake: Hi, kiddo. We were wondering why you didn't show up for breakfast.

Daria: I think I have the flu, dad.

Jake: How sad. I guess this ruins your day, eh?

Daria: There's still the possibility a meteorite will hit the house. Dad, can you help me get down to the living room? I'd rather lie on the couch as the TV there is bigger than mine.

Jake: Sure. (wraps Daria in her blanket and lifts her up) Boy, you sure have gotten a lot heavier since I carried you last time.

Daria: That was four years ago, dad.

Jake: Oh.

Daria: And you dropped me.

Jake: (Laughs nervously) I'll be careful this time.

Daria: As long as I don't land on my head - I don't want to become like Quinn.

Jake: We never dropped Quinn on her head.

Daria: There goes my number one theory.

(Jake carries Daria down the stairs and lays her on the couch in the living room)

Jake: Honey, Daria's sick.

(Helen and Quinn come into the living room. Helen walks over and puts her hand on Daria's forehead)

Helen: You're burning up. Oh, my poor baby.

Daria: I'm not a baby anymore, mom. As for the part about being poor, I suggest giving me money.

Helen: And *you* can also get a job when you get better. Quinn, you're staying home to look after Daria.

Quinn: But, muh-om, I've got to go to *Cashman's*.

Helen: You're not going anywhere, young lady. Your dad and I have to go to work. You're staying here.

Quinn: Muh-om, you're ruining my life again!

Helen: I don't want to hear excuses, Quinn. The time you got sick back in Highland, Daria stayed home to look after you.

Quinn: (Shudders) It was horrible. She read stories to me.

Helen: (To Daria, her eyes filled with pride) You did? How nice of you.

Quinn: They were about Melody Powers.

Helen: (To Daria, her eyes no longer filled with pride) The one who kills people all the time? Daria, I thought I told you what I think about those stories.

Daria: Don't worry, mom. I haven't written one off those in... let's see -- two days now.

Helen: Nevertheless. Quinn, you'll stay here and look after Daria until I come back.

Quinn: Wait! I've got it! I can call Jane and ask her to look after Daria.

Helen: (Considers it) Very well. If Jane agrees, you're off the hook. (looks at her watch) I guess I can stay here until she arrives.

Quinn: (Picks up the phone and dials) Trent, it's Quinn. Yes, Daria's sister! Don't rub it in. Can you ask Jane to come over here? Daria's sick. (a minute goes by) Yes? She can? That's great! (hangs up) Yes, I'm off the hook!

(Jane's room. Jane is looking pale and lying on her bed. Trent comes in, he wraps her in her blanket and lifts her up)

Trent: Are you sure about this?

Jane: I might as well be sick over there. Besides, Daria's family has a bigger TV.

(Morgendorffer living room. The doorbell rings. Helen answers it. It's Trent. He's carrying Jane in his arms)

Trent: Hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Jane heard Daria was sick so she said she wanted to come over and visit her.

Helen: (Puts her hand on Jane's forehead) But, Trent, Jane's sick.

Trent: Then there's no risk of Daria infecting her.

Helen: Can't Amanda look after her?

Trent: She's out off town but I guess I can look after her if you don't want her here.

Helen: Yes, I'm sorry, Trent, but you can't just dump sick people on us. This isn't a hospital.

Jane: (Looks up at Helen with feverish eyes) Mommy?

Helen: (Maternal instincts surge forward) Oh, the poor child is delirious! Here, let me take her. (takes Jane and carries her into the house and puts her down next to Daria) Trent, you can go. I, that is, *Quinn* will look after Jane.

Trent: Sure thing, Mrs. Morgendorffer. (leaves)

Quinn: But, muh-om!

Helen: No, but... You're the one who called and asked for Jane to come over. You turn the house into a hospital, you look after the patients. I've got to get to work. *Don't* invite any more sick people over while I'm gone. (leaves)

Jane: Sorry for barging in on you like this. But Trent needs his beauty sleep. (Daria doesn't answer) He would've stayed up to look after me, of course, but when Quinn called, I figured I might as well come here. (Daria *still* doesn't answer) You also have a bigger TV. (no reaction) What is it?

Daria: Mommy?

Jane: It worked, didn't it?

Daria: Just don't do it again.

Jane: Are we jealous today?

Daria: You can't prove anything. (to Quinn) Quinn! Water, and a bag of potato chips, and hand me the remote.

Jane: Hey, this is fun. Quinn, get me a pillow.

Quinn: You can't treat me like this! I'm not your slave!

Daria: Today you are. When I get better we can go back to being cousins. Now, do as you're told or I'll tell mom.

Quinn: Alright, Daria, but you just *wait* till I get sick.

Daria: Yes, think of all the stories I can read to you then.

Quinn: It's not fair that I should have all this work. Hey, I know -- I'll call the fashion club and ask them to help me out.

Jane: (To Daria) Would those be the same people she tried to get to help her with the school dance?

Daria: (To Jane) Some people just never learn.

Quinn: (Takes the phone and dials a number) Hello, Sandi, it's Quinn. Yes. Look, my cousin is sick and my parents are making me look after her. So I was wondering if you could help me out. Hello, hello? (to Daria) Can you believe it, she hung up on me! What does that make her?

Daria: Smarter than you.

Quinn: (Sends Daria a dirty look, dials a new number) Tiffany, it's Quinn. Can you come over and help me out? Oh, I see. You have the flu. I hope you get better soon. No, having the flu will not make you look *fat*. (dials a new number) Stacy, it's Quinn. Look, I have a lot of work on my hands, can you come over to my house and help me out? You can? Stacy, you're the best! (hangs up the phone) Saved at last.

(Stacy's room. Stacy is lying in her bed)

Stacy: (Voiceover) Mom told me to stay in bed as long as I have the flu. But I guess it's okay if Quinn said so.

(Morgendorffer living room. Daria and Jane are watching TV. Jane has five pillows behind her back. Quinn has a desperate look on her face)

TV: They were fed up with following the queen's orders. Rebellion of the ants! Next, on Sick Sad World!!

Daria: Quinn, this is just a cheese sandwich. I asked for one with cheese and mustard. Take it back and get it right this time.

Quinn: Yes, Daria.

Jane: Quinn, pillow.

Quinn: More pillows?! How many pillows do you want?

Jane: Pillow.

Quinn: Yes, Jane.

(The doorbell rings. Quinn answers it. It's Stacy. She looks very pale)

Quinn: Stacy, you finally made it! What took you so long?! Come on in! (drags Stacy into the house) I need you to help me look after these two.

Stacy: Can it wait until the floor stops moving?

Jane: Why, Quinn, you're really turning the place into a hospital.

Daria: And mom told you not to bring more sick people over.

Quinn: What are you talking about? Stacy's not sick! (turns to Stacy, puts a hand on her forehead) Stacy, you're sick! Why'd you come here? You should be home in bed.

Stacy: But, Quinn, you told me to come over here.

Quinn: Stacy, can't you ever think for yourself?

Stacy: What do you mean?

Quinn: I have to get you out of here! If my mom finds you here, she's going to kill me. Can your parents drive you home?

Stacy: No, they're at work.

Quinn: This is not happening!

Stacy: It's not?

Daria: Quinn, relax. You didn't know Stacy was sick. You take Stacy to your room and get her into a pajamas and give her a blanket. She can sit with us. It's easier for you if you keep the sick people in one place. I'll explain things to mom and tell her it's not your fault.

Quinn: This is a trick, right?

Daria: How could it be? I'm just trying to be nice to you. I'll even call Stacy's mom for you.

Quinn: This has got to be a trick.

Daria: No it isn't. Now get going before I change my mind.

(Quinn helps Stacy walk up the stairs)

Jane: So what's the trick?

Daria: Remember my conversation with Jodie yesterday? This girl is who I'm looking for. She accepts Quinn as an authority figure and has absolutely no will of her own. She'll do and believe anything Quinn tells her. I'll call Jodie and ask her to come over - she's got to see this.

Jane: You're sick. You know that, don't you?

Daria: Yes. But first I have to make sure Stacy stays here. (crawls over to the phone and dials a number) Hello, Mrs. Rowe? This is Daria, Quinn's sister. No. Quinn is not an only child. I'm calling about Stacy. No, Stacy isn't in her room. She's over here. No, she's fine. We just put her to bed. No, no trouble. In fact, Quinn was wondering if she could stay for dinner. She can? Thank you. (dials new number) Hello, Mrs. Langdon, this is Daria. Can I talk to Jodie? I see. Goodbye. (to Jane) Turns out she's staying at Brittany's house. (dials new number) Hello, Brittany? It's Daria. Can I talk to Jodie? Thank you. (pause) Jodie, I've won our bet.

(Brittany's room. Brittany is lying in her bed, Andrea and Jodie are lying in sleeping bags on the floor)

Jodie: (Groans) Despite having the flu, I've somehow got to get over to Daria's house. I simply have to see this girl she told me about. Brittany, can you get you stepmom to drive me over there?

Brittany: Only if I can come with you. I want to see the brainwashed girl.

Jodie: She hasn't been brainwashed, Brittany. At least, I don't think so. And her name is Stacy -- she's one of the girls from the fashion club.

Andrea: I want to come too. Anywhere is better than here. (she looks around the room with all the cheerleading decoration and shudders)

Brittany: I'm not sure I want that. I'm angry at you, Andrea. I bet you're the one who contaminated me and Jodie with the flu.

Andrea: As if I'd share my germs with you, Brittany.

Jodie: That's *infected*. And the incubation time is too long for it to have been Andrea. No, I probably got it from Mack. He got sick two days ago.

Brittany: But Mack isn't *my* boyfriend. Are you sure Andrea didn't infect me?

Andrea: It's easily cured. Just go to the kitchen and stick your head in the oven.

Jodie: Cut it out. I didn't have to bring you here, you know.

Andrea: Yeah, like I wanted to come over and play with Barbie dolls.

Brittany: But I don't have Barbie dolls anymore. My brother took them all and cut off their heads.

Jodie: She means you, Brittany.

Brittany: I'm not a Barbie doll. I'm a cheerleader. (Groans)

Andrea: My mistake. It's just that you have the IQ of one.

Brittany: That's not *true*! My IQ's higher than a Barbie's, isn't it Jodie?

Jodie: Actually, dolls don't have IQ's.

Andrea: You see, Brittany, Jodie agrees with me.

Brittany: You do?

Jodie: No, I don't. Look, Andrea, I could just as easily have left you at your house when I found out your parents weren't there. You could at least show some gratitude.

Andrea: So why didn't you bring me to your place?

Jodie: My dad won't let anyone but him and my mom near my little brother while this flue epidemic lasts.

Andrea: That doesn't explain ...

Jodie: He wouldn't let me in the house! If Brittany didn't let me stay here, I'd have to sleep in the garage.

Andrea: And I thought my parents were bad. Look, Jodie, I'm sorry.

Brittany: I hope this doesn't make the two of you envious of me.

Jodie: Why would we be envious of you?

Brittany: Because I have such a perfect family life.

(Andrea and Jodie stare at Brittany)

Brittany: What?

(Morgendorffer living room. Daria, Jane and Stacy are sitting on the couch. Jane is watching TV. Daria is looking at Stacy. Stacy seem to be somewhat uncomfortable about this)

Stacy: Why do you keep staring at me like that?

Daria: You fascinate me. Tell me, do you ever disagree with Quinn?

Stacy: Only if Sandi's there. Because then I have to agree with her since she's the president of the fashion club and Quinn is only the vice president.

Daria: Fascinating.

(Quinn comes in)

Quinn: Here's your lemonade. (puts the glass down in front of Daria) Now, can I please get some rest?

(The doorbell rings)

Daria: Just answer the door. Then you can take an hour off. But be prepared to be called on later.

Quinn: Who could that be? I'm not expecting anyone.

Daria: It's for me.

Quinn: Yeah, right, Daria. Like Jane isn't the only one who ever comes to visits you.

(Quinn opens the door. It's Jodie, Andrea and Brittany. They're dressed in yellow and blue pajamas)

Quinn: Brittany, Jodie and, yuck, you're Andrea, that Goth girl or something.

Andrea: And, yuck, you're Quinn, the fashion freak - or something.

Quinn: What're you doing here? And why're you all dressed like that? (Panics) Are you sick?!

(Brittany puts her hands on Quinn's head)

Quinn: Hey, what's going on here?

Jodie: That's not her and you can't feel it. (to Quinn) We heard Daria was sick so we decided to come visit her. And yes, we all have the flu.

Daria: Jodie, I see you brought Brittany and Andrea with you. Come on in and sit down. The subject is sitting over there. (points at Stacy)

Stacy: Eeeep!

(Brittany, Andrea and Jodie walk in and sit down)

Daria: Quinn, blankets.

Quinn: Look, if you think I'm going to be a slave these people as well...

Daria: No, no. Just do this then you take an hour off. In fact, take two hours.

Quinn: You didn't invite them over to get me in trouble, did you?

Daria: No, I didn't. Like I said, I'll explain things to mom when she gets home. Now go.

Quinn: Okay. (leaves)

Jodie: I hope you won't get in trouble for filling the house with sick people like this.

Daria: I will. But I can't see why Quinn should get all the blame for doing that. Let the experiments begin.

Stacy: What experiments?

Jodie: I have to tell you that I'm having second thoughts about this. I know how irritating those fashion girls can be. But I'm not sure we can just start playing games with her mind. It seems unethical to me.

Stacy: What games?

Quinn: (Comes down the stairs holding blankets in her arms) I can understand why Andrea is here because she's just as unpopular as Daria. But Jodie, you and Brittany are really popular so you shouldn't be spending your time with Daria, you know.

Brittany: Actually we came here to see the brainwas... (Jodie kicks her leg) Ouch.

Jodie: (Flatly) Why, thank you. It's so good of you to tell me who I should spend my time with.

Quinn: (Doesn't get it) I know. (pause) Wait a minute, you're doing that stuff Daria does all the time. Saying things without meaning them

Jodie: Sarcasm. Now weren't you supposed to take a break?

Daria: Thank you, Quinn, you can leave us now.

Stacy: Can I come with you Quinn? I'm not sure I want to stay here.

Jodie: But, Stacy, we're just dying to hear about the latest in fashion. And Quinn needs her rest. Go on, Quinn.

Quinn: (Suspicious) Well, okay. (walks up the stair, stops as she reaches the top and listens in on the conversation)

Daria: What was it you said about ethics?

Jodie: Ethics? Who's that? I swear, if I could get the president of the Student Council over on my side the fashion clubs funding would be history. (looks at Stacy) So this is her?

Daria: Yup.

Jane: It sure is.

Brittany: Can I touch her head?

Stacy: Eeeep!

Daria: Don't be afraid, Stacy. Jodie and I just want to know about your relationship with Quinn and Sandi.

Stacy: I'm not sure I can tell you that. Sandi says the internal relations of the fashion club are trade secrets.

Jodie: Come on, Stacy, you can *tell* us.

Stacy: I don't think ...

Andrea: Now look, Stacy, you don't want me to lock you in the basement do you? There are rats and spiders.

Stacy: Eeeep!

Jane: Not to mention hairless bunnies.

Jodie: Cut it out you guys, we're not going to lock Stacy in the basement.

Daria: No, she'll have to settle with the garage.

Stacy: I'll talk, I'll talk!

(Sandi's room. Sandi is reading Waif. The phone rings, Sandi answers it)

Sandi: Hello. Oh it's you, *Quinn*. Look, if you think I'm going to help you play the nurse... Stacy? But why did you ask her over if she was sick? Gee, that is so *like* you, Quinn. The art weirdo, the goth, Brittany and Jodie? Tell me, are you running a hospital or what? I see. But *why're* they asking Stacy questions about you and me? *Cut our funding?* We've got to stand up to her! I'm going to pick up Tiffany and come over to your house! So what if Tiffany's sick! The future of fashion is at stake here!

(Morgendorffer living room)

Daria: But what if two fashion magazines say opposite things?

Stacy: Then I'd ask Quinn which one is right.

Daria: And you'd believe her?

Stacy: Yes.

Jodie: And if Sandi disagrees?

Stacy: Actually, Sandi always disagrees with Quinn.

Jodie: *When* Sandi disagrees. What then?

Stacy: Then I'd believe Sandi because she's the fashion club's president.

Daria: But what would you believe?

Stacy: I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

Daria: I mean... (pause) What I mean...

Jodie: What we mean...

Jane: Look, you two have been doing this for ten minutes now. And I think I speak for Andrea and Brittany as well when I say that Stacy is not the only one who's suffering here.

Brittany: Yeah, this isn't any fun at all. I thought you were going to do it, like, in that movie where this guy is strapped to a chair, and he can't close his eyes, and he has to watch violent movies and stuff.

Stacy: Eeeep!

Andrea: A great movie, though. And one hell of a sound track.

Jodie: Okay, I give up. I'm starting to feel unethical again anyway. Daria, you win the bet. This girl has no will of her own.

Daria: How much did we bet?

Jodie: Nothing.

Daria: Damn.

Stacy: What will are you talking about?

Andrea: Your last will.

Stacy: Eeeep!

Jodie: Andrea...

Andrea: Sorry.

(The door opens. It's Jake)

Daria: Dad, you're home early.

Jake: Turned out my client was sick. I sat and waited for him for hours. When I called him, he said he sent me an e-mail. Why oh why didn't I read my e-mails?! Damn internet! It's the root of all evil! (looks around) Say, Daria, you have a lot of sick guests over today. Are you girls staying for dinner?

Brittany: Sure.

Jodie: Thanks.

Andrea: Why not.

Jane: You haven't tasted her dad's food yet, have you?

Jake: When I was your age we usually stayed home when we got sick. But I guess it's different with you kids today.

Daria: We call it a "flu party", dad. It's a big hit.

Stacy: Mr. Morgendorffer, you have to help me. They're playing games with my mind, and they want to lock me in the basement.

Jake: But, Stacy, you can't play in the basement, we don't have one. I'll get started on making dinner! I hope you girls like lasagna! (walks into the kitchen)

Stacy: Nooooo, come back!

Jane: So, Stacy, you were going to tell *were* you?

Stacy: (Meek) No.

Brittany: Can we strap her to the chair now?

Daria: I guess it's time for you to meet my genetically enhanced gerbil. I spliced it myself.

Jodie: (Warningly) Daria.

Daria: Sorry.

Jodie: Stacy, why don't you go to Quinn's room.

(Stacy gets up and crawls up the stairs)

Jane: All in all that was fun immoral but fun.

Jodie: Please don't say that. I feel bad enough as it is.

Daria: Relax. I've done worse things to Quinn. She'll get over it.

Jodie: That's got to be one off the lamest excuses for behaving badly that I've ever heard. And I didn't expect it to come from you.

Daria: I see. And what exactly did you come here for? To play monopoly?

Brittany: Not monopoly, I can't remember the rules. How about scrabble?

Andrea: You know the rules of scrabble? I'm stunned.

Jane: Play scrabble -- why not? Andrea, Brittany - let's go to Daria's room and let *these* two fight it out among themselves. (they walk to the stairs) See you later, Dr. Mabuse. (they help each other walk up the stairs).

Jodie: Dr. Mabuse?

Daria: My reward for taking her to see old German movies. (pause) Look, I see what you mean. But you heard what my sister said before. Most of the time I don't even think she notices it when she hurts other people.

Jodie: But us being angry at Quinn doesn't make it right for us to scare Stacy like that. I think we owe her an apology.

Daria: Do you understand what it is you're asking of me?

(The doorbell rings. Jake comes out off the kitchen and opens the door. It's Sandi. She's helping Tiffany stand)

Jake: Sandi, isn't it? I see you've brought one more guest over for the flu party.

Sandi: What?

Jake: Are you staying for dinner?

Sandi: *Absolutely not*.

Jake: Just *one* more guest then. (returns to the kitchen)

Sandi: (Lets go of Tiffany who drops to the floor) So, Jodie, I hear you want to *cut* our funding.

Daria: Looks like Quinn listened in on us.

Sandi: I just want you to *know* that you're not getting *away* with it.

Jodie: Okay, then I won't try to cut your funding.

Sandi: (Pause) Hmm, that was easier than I thought. Where *is* Quinn?

Daria: Upstairs.

(Sandi walks towards the stairs)

Jodie: What about Tiffany? Are you just going to leave her on the floor?

Sandi: She can get up by herself, can't *you*, Tiffany?

Tiffany: Actually ...

Sandi: Yes, *you can*.

Daria: Sandi, how long have you and Stacy been friends?

Sandi: Since day-care. Why?

Daria: No reason.

(Sandi walks up the stairs)

Jodie: That's one mystery less.

Daria: Should we help Tiffany?

Jodie: I suppose so.

Daria: DAD!?

Jake: (Emerges from the kitchen) What is it, Daria?

Daria: Could you help Tiffany into the couch?

(Quinn's room. Stacy is lying on the bed, Quinn is standing next to her)

Stacy: It was terrible! They kept on asking me questions, and they threatened to lock me in the basement.

Quinn: Are you sure? Because, like, we don't have a basement. Relax, it's over now.

(Sandi comes in)

Quinn: Sandi, you're here at last! Did you talk to Jodie?

Sandi: Yes and she agreed *not* to try to cut our funding. I guess the sight of me was enough to give her second thoughts. Stacy, have you revealed anything about the internal relations off the fashion club?

Stacy: I don't think so. All they wanted to know -- was what I believed.

Sandi: I find that hard to believe.

Stacy: But it's *true*!

Sandi: I'm afraid that's not good enough. It looks like I'll have to interrogate you. Quinn, do you have a lamp I can use to shine a bright light into Stacy's face?!

Stacy: Eeep!

(The living room. Sandi storms down the stairs and leaves the house)

Jodie: What was that?

Daria: I guess we have to crawl to Quinn's room to find out.

(Quinn's room. Stacy is lying on the bed, Quinn is standing next to her. Jodie and Daria enters)

Quinn: You two. What've you done to Stacy?

Jodie: (Nervous) What do you mean?

Quinn: Sandi was going to interrogate Stacy. But Stacy told her to get lost and threatened to tell her mom ... something or other! I don't know - I didn't hear everything!

Daria: Really?

Stacy: Really! And you're not playing any more games with my mind either!

Jodie: Looks like I won the bet after all.

Daria: That's okay. This time, I don't mind losing. Stacy, we're sorry for scaring you.

Jodie: And we'd like for you to come back to the living room.

Daria: The TV there is bigger than Quinn's.

Stacy: You really mean it?

Jodie: Yes. Quinn, help Stacy walk.

Quinn: Hey.

Daria: You learn fast.

(The living room. The girls, minus Quinn, are watching TV. Helen comes in)

Daria: Hi mom.

Jodie: Hi.

Jane: Hi.

Brittany: Hi.

Andrea: Hi.

Stacy: Hi.

Tiffany: Hi.

Helen: What?

(The Kitchen. Jake is making lasagna. Quinn is standing next to him)

Quinn: Dad, are you sure?

Jake: Yes, Quinn. Daria didn't have meningitis when she was little.

(Helen walks into the kitchen)

Quinn: Hi, mom.

Helen: Quinn, I told you not to invite over any more sick people, and now the house looks like a hospital!

Quinn: I can explain... No, actually you should ask Daria. She promised me to explain things to you.

Helen: Really?

Jake: Yes, hon. Daria explained it to me already. The girls are having a "flu party".

Helen: You're having a "flu party"?

Quinn: (Buries her face in her hands) My life is over.

(The dining room. They are having dinner)

Jake: (To Andrea) I don't think I've seen you before. Are you in Daria's class?

Andrea: Yep. By the way, did you know that the negative energies in your house are very strong? This is the perfect place to worship Satan.

Jake: (Panicked) Helen, did you hear that?!

Helen: Relax, Jake. I'm sure Andrea was joking.

Daria: You just have to hope it doesn't get out. It'd make the property value drop like a rock.

Jake: (Panicked) Really?

Helen: Daria is being sarcastic, Jake. Simmer down.

Tiffany: Wow, Quinn, you never told us you worshiped Satan in your house.

Quinn: (Sobs) Kill me. Someone kill me, please.

Jane: I can arrange for that to happen. But we're talking four figures here.

Stacy: You're not talking about human sacrifice, are you, Quinn?

Jake: (Very panicked) Helen, what?!

Helen: Relax. Quinn and Jane are kidding and Stacy and Tiffany don't know what they're talking about. No one here is worshiping Satan.

Jane: Yeah, Mr. Morgendorffer. Daria is more of a stoic. She's into Marcus Aurelius.

Jake: (Still unsure) Helen, did you hear that?! Aurelius! Is that a demon?

Helen: Jane is just kidding, Jake!

Jodie: No, actually what Jane means is that ...

Helen: Stop it! I don't care if you're our guests or not! I demand to have a normal conversation. One more sick comment out of any one of *you*, and I'll give you a lesson in justifiable child abuse.

Brittany: (Quietly, to Daria) Can she do that?

Daria: She's a lawyer.

(The living room. Trent is standing outside the door holding Jane in his arms. Helen is standing on the inside. Daria, Quinn and Jake are sitting on the couch. A pile of blankets is laying on the floor)

Helen: Goodnight, Trent. We were really glad to see Jane, but if she's still sick tomorrow...

Trent: I understand. I won't bring her here. (leaves)

Helen: (Closes the door) Finally, that was the last one. Jake, will you put Daria to bed?

Jake: Sure, hon. (lifts Daria up) Boy, you've gotten a lot heavier since I carried you the last time, Daria.

Daria: Its the lasagna, dad.

(Jake carries Daria upstairs)

Helen: Quinn, I believe I said something this morning about not inviting sick people over. And I don't believe the "flu party" story.

Quinn: Mom, I...

Helen: For which you should be glad. Because I don't think I even want to know how all this happened. So let's just forget about it, okay?

Quinn: Thanks, mom. I'm going to bed now. This has been one of the worst days of my life. (picks up a blanket from the pile)

Helen: You can't take that, dear. You have to pick a clean one.

Quinn: Why? Just because Stacy used it?

Helen: But she was sick. These blankets are probably contagious -- we have to wash them.

Quinn: So, you're saying that if someone slept in these they could get sick? I'll see to it that they get cleaned, mom.

Helen: Why, thank you, Quinn.

(Quinn takes the blankets and walk upstairs)

Helen: But, Quinn, the washing machine is down here.

(A new day. Quinn's room, Quinn is lying in her bed. Daria is standing next to her)

Daria: So you finally managed to get sick.

Quinn: It's not so bad. The knowledge that I will have my dear sister to look after me helps to cheer me up.

Daria: As much as I would love to do that, which is not at all, you forget that today is Monday.

Quinn: I forget nothing.

Daria: No because... (voiceover) ...that would require you to remember in the first place.

Quinn: Because what?

Daria: Not when you make it this easy.

(Helen comes in)

Helen: I have to go now. Daria, you're staying home to look after Quinn.

Daria: But, mom, I have to go to school.

Helen: I know, but you can skip a day can't you, sweetie? Quinn told me how much she'd appreciate it if you were the one to look after her. I'm so glad you girls are finally starting to get along. If she's still too sick to be alone tomorrow I promise to find someone else to look after her. Bye-eee. (leaves)

Quinn: (Smirks) Justice at last. Daria?

Daria: Yes?

Quinn: (Pulls out several sheets of paper from under her blanket) This is a list of things I want you to do for me. Please note item 73 which is the reading aloud of VAL magazine.

Daria: Look, I'll give you 32 dollars but that's all I have.

Quinn: Not even if you had a 1000 bucks. Now, get to work or I'll tell mom.

Daria: Yes, Quinn.