A HARD DAZED NIGHT by jak981125
the setting is 1964 London where a band, ironically called Mystik Spiral, is about to take a train ride. now that you mention it, they look an awful lot like the Mystik Spiral we know and love. and their manager looks an awful lot like De Martino. his assistant looks a lot like O'Neil. those of you that saw Legends of the Mall know where I'm going with this
song called "I'll Lie in Bed" and is to the tune of "I'll Cry Instead"
Trent's voice (singing):
I've got every reason on earth to be sad
My mom told me I look just like my dad
And if I could have my way, well I'd go out and change my DNA
But I can't, so I'll lie in bed.
I lent my friend my car, he hit a tree
He left the scene and now the cops blame me
And now I'm in deep crap
I really wish that I could beat the rap
But I can't, so I'll lie in bed.
Don't want to sound like a gloomy Gus
But now I have to ride the bus
Guess we all have a cross to bear
But just for once can't life be fair?
Tomorrow's gonna be another day
And hey who knows, it could turn out ok
I wish tomorrow was right now
Perhaps my luck would change somehow
Until then, I'll lie in bed
I've got every reason on earth to be sad
My mom told me I look just like my dad
And if I could have my way, well I'd go out and change my DNA
But I can't, so I'll lie in bed.
Don't want to sound like a gloomy Gus
But now I have to ride the bus
Guess we all have a cross to bear
But just for once can't life be fair?
Tomorrow's gonna be another day
And hey who knows, it could turn out ok
I wish tomorrow was right now
Perhaps my luck would change somehow
Until then, I'll lie in bed
opening scene shows English bobbies chasing Mystik Spiral through a train station (you were expecting maybe fans?)
song called is called "A Hard Dazed Night" and is to the tune of "A Hard Day's Night"
Trent's voice (singing):
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I've been sitting here in jail
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I'm tad bit short of bail
I can't remember a thing
Hope I'll be out before spring
So I can rock all night
I'm glad that Max ain't here
Cause he'd be pissing in his pants
Well I've got no fears
As long as no one checks out my ass
'Cause I am nobody's girl
The very thought makes me hurl
'Cause I'm all man
When I'm stoned, life doesn't seem so insane
When I'm stoned, you know I am feeling no pain
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I've been sitting here in jail
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I'm tad bit short of bail
I can't remember a thing
Hope I'll be out before spring
So I can rock all night
'Cause I am nobody's girl
The very thought makes me hurl
'Cause I'm all man
When I'm stoned, life doesn't seem so insane
When I'm stoned, you know I am feeling no pain
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I've been sitting here in jail
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I'm tad bit short of bail
I can't remember a thing
Hope I'll be out before spring
So I can rock all night
So I can rock all night
So I can rock all night
the band makes it onto the train, which takes off before the bobbies reach them. they settle into their compartment. Fred Sanford from Sanford and Son is in there with them.
Nick: Man, and I thought Lawndale cops were fast.
Trent (whispering): Dude, 1964 London, remember?
Nick: Oh yeah. Right. Lawndale, never heard of the place.
they look at Fred suspiciously.
Trent: Hey Jesse, who's he?
Jesse: That's my grandpa Fred.
Nick: That's not your grandfather.
Jesse: Yes he is. I adopted him from the nursing home. I never had a grandfather before. I love you grandpa.
Fred: Shut up boy.
Jesse: Yes sir.
Trent: Ok, I can understand who he is, but why did you bring him with us?
Jesse: He's nursing a broken heart. Literally.
Fred (grabs chest): Oh Elizabeth honey, I'm coming to join you.
Trent: He's a nice little old man, isn't he?
Fred: Little old man? I could still kick your ass.
O'Neil comes in.
O'Neil: Now boys, Anthony is a little upset at all of you for that little incident this morning. Please, I'm begging you not to upset him. Be nice when he shows up. Hey uh...
Trent: Don't ask.
Max: He belongs to Jesse:
Fred: Belongs? Who are you, Stonewall Jackson or something?
De Martino walks in.
De Martino: Now BOYS, let's see if we can remember not to LIGHT UP right in front of a group of bobbies right before we are about to go on tour. Hey...
Entire Band: Who's that little old man?
Fred: Next person who calls me a little old man is getting five 'cross their lip.
Jesse: He's my grandfather. Don't ask.
De Martino: Now BOYS, could we at least TRY for once in our lives to behave ourselves on this trip. No drugs, no girls...
Fred: No problem there. These boys are too ugly to attract any sane women.
De Marino: No streaking, no mooning the passengers, no lighting farts, no pantsing the conductor, no stealing of liquor from the club car. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!
Trent: Yes daddy.
De Martino: Don't try my PATIENCE Trent. I'm not in the mood!
O'Neil: Anthony and Me are going to get some coffee. Do you boys want anything?
Nick: Yeah, some drugs, some liquor from the club car, the conductor's pants, what else did he say?
Fred: Hey fruity, get me the hell out of this car. One more minute and I'm libel to smack someone.
O'Neil: Oh Dear.
De Martino: FINE. He can come with us. As for you guys PLEASE behave yourselves. I promise I'll buy you all the drugs and shiny objects you want when the tour's OVER. Just be good.
they leave.
Max: What's his problem?
Nick: Aw, that's just what comes from being old, ugly and unloved.
Jesse: That could be us in twenty years.
Trent: Nah, we'll never be like that.
Jesse: How do you figure?
Trent: Well I don't plan to live that long.
another passenger joins them. he is obviously not happy to share the car with young men. he shuts the window.
Max: We'd kind of like that open if you don't mind.
Man: Well I do mind.
Trent: We'd kind of like it open anyway.
Man: Well too bad. I don't want to catch a draft.
Nick: I know what you mean. I stick to catching vodka myself.
Jesse: You might not want that window closed, mister.
Man: Oh, and why not?
Jesse: It'll get awfully smoky in here.
he pulls out a bong and starts to fire it up.
Man: I say!
Trent: You say what? Careful my good man, watch your language.
Man: I shall call for the police if you don't put that away.
Max: Party pooper!
Nick: Spoil sport!
man points at Nick.
Man: Now see here!
Trent: Thanks, but we'd rather not. We have to stare at that mug for hours on end all too often.
they get up to leave. as they exit they moon him through the compartment window. they head towards the dinning car carrying Max sideways.
Max: Could you put me down now? I'm getting a little motion sickness.
Trent: Never, I say. We shall not release you until we polish each and every window here with your head.
Max: I shall barf in your direction then.
in the dinning car.
O'Neil: Well it's not my fault. Maybe if you weren't so sour and so angry all the time...
De Martino growls at him.
O'Neil: Eep!
Jesse: Now what's going on here?
De Martino: Your grandfather called Tim FRUITY earlier. Tim, supposedly having nothing against alternative lifestyles but wanting to CLARIFY things told him that he has a girlfriend. You grandpa was all too quick to point out that TIM HERE, who is not the manliest guy around has a woman AND I DON'T
O'Neil: It's not my fault.
Trent: Of course not. It's De Martino's fault for being a jerk.
De Martino: SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT TRENT!
Jesse: Naw, it's grandpa's fault. He's always trying to stir up trouble of some sort.
Fred: My fault?
Jesse: You gotta stop doing things like that, grandpa.
Fred (to O'Neil): Hey pop 'n fresh, where's the bathroom on this train?
O'Neil: Um, I'll take you over there,
they leave. cut to a few minutes later.
Jesse: You lost him?
O'Neil (sobbing): I don't know how it happened. I thought he was having a heart attack so I ran off to get help and when I came back he was gone.
Jesse: He's been having that same heart attack for years now. You guys have no idea how much trouble he'll cause if we don't find him soon.
Nick: What are we talking here, debauchery, gambling, drunkenness...
Jesse: Yes.
Nick: Your grandpa is so cool.
they go looking for him. Nick pulls Max aside and they share a joint.
Max: I tell you, Jesse's grandpa doesn't like me.
Nick: How do you know?
Max: He's been flashing nasty looks at me, not to mention nasty fingers, the entire trip.
Nick: He's been doing that to everybody.
Max: Yeah but me in particular. And that remark about Stonewall Jackson?
Nick: Maybe he thinks you're a skinhead.
Max: Now that's ridiculous. I don't act racist. How could anyone think I'm...
he touches his head.
Max: Oh dammit!
they walk down the corridors where one woman in a compartment winks at Max.
Max: You think maybe she likes me?
Nick: Nah, she probably just wants to use your head as a mirror to see if her make-up is on right.
she beckons Max to come in.
Max: Should I?
Nick: I wouldn't.
Max: And why not?
Nick: I don't think she's a she at all.
Max runs for it. Nick smirks to himself.
Nick: Sucker. Hey wait a minute, that is a guy! HEY MAX WAIT FOR ME!
cut to Trent and Jesse. they peer into one car full of schoolgirls.
Jesse: Excuse me, have you ladies seen...
Trent: My gosh, I've died and gone to Amazon Island. Ladies.
Jesse: Trent, what about Monique?
Trent: Who?
cut to another car. Jesse opens it.
Jesse: Excuse me but... GRANDPA!
Fred is there with a young lady.
Lady: Now you are a millionaire, right?
Fred: Sure, baby, sure. Hey boys, grandpa's going to Vegas.
Jesse: Like hell he is.
cut to baggage car.
Fred: Get me out of here! What do you think you're doing?
Jesse: Keeping you out of trouble.
Fred: Boy, you're making me ride in the baggage car! This is just like Jim Crow days. My own grandson. How could you?
Jesse: It was either this or castrate you, grandpa.
Nick: Jesse's doing you a favor. There is no way that girl was 18. He's saving your ass from a felony conviction here.
Fred: It'd be worth it!
Trent: Give it a rest.
the girls show up.
Max: I think we've been spotted.
Nick: They can spot me all they want.
song called "Life Couldn't Be Deader" and is to the tune of "I Should Have Know Better"
Trent (singing):
Life couldn't be deader than it is these days
That's why we rock in a drug induced haze
and it pays hey, hey, hey, and it pays
We don't worry about the minds we've destroyed
Don't care when Mr. D gets annoyed
We're employed! We're employed!
And when I tell him "pull my finger"
Oh, it's his own fault if he complies
I guess it isn't any wonder
He has it out for all us guys
We mooned half of downtown London last night
We gave the House of Lords quite a fright
what a sight, what a sight
And on our tour we met the Queen once
Oh, I joked about her son's affair
Well she got mad and called her guards in
They tossed us ten feet in the air
I suppose I shouldn't be such a pain
Sometime before Mr. D goes insane
on this train, on this train
O'Neil hates to see him angry
Although for us it's quite a thrill
We really think he's gonna kill us
Right when he see our liquor bill
Our liquor bill
Our liquor bill
Jesse (Whispering): Dude, 1964, none of the crap with the royal family happened yet.
De Martino: Ok boys, we're here. This place is SWARMING with women. I swear Trent, if you run off with any of them I will have to hurt you.
Fred: If he can't then can I?
Everyone: NO!
they jump out of the train. sadly, the train was still moving at the time and they fall flat on their faces. they make a mad dash for a car. the get in and peel off. later that evening in their hotel room.
O'Neil: Now boys, I don't blame any of you for this afternoon's events...
Jesse: Nor should you. I blame grandpa.
Fred: And I blame society.
Trent: And society blames us.
O'Neil: ...however the owners of the railroad have permanently banned us from ever riding their trains again.
Max: No problem. I'll have you know, I own both Short Line and the B&O.
Fred: I'll say you got BO! When's the last time you had a bath?
De Martino: MAIL CALL. I manage to first sort out the letter bombs, final notices, jury duty summons, and JUNK MAIL.
Max: You got rid of the junk mail?
Trent: Now how do I get my hands on a coupon book?
Nick: $0.59 off duct cleaning. Oh Mr. D, how could you?
Trent: There's only one way you can make this up to us. You buy the drinks when we go out tonight.
De Martino: You boys aren't going ANYWHERE!
they looked stunned and for a minute no one can speak.
Trent: Um, look man, I know you've been trying to improve that nonexistent sense of humor of yours but some things just aren't funny.
De Martino: I am NOT joking about this Trent. I know some of you can barely write but I want that fan mail answered. TONIGHT. No one goes out.
Max passes out.
De Martino: Stop being so MELODARMATIC Max. Besides, you didn't get any.
Max: What? None? Then I can go out?
De Martino: NO!
walks out.
Fred: It's your head son. It hurts my eyes just to look at it.
O'Neil (walks in with a pile of mail): Oh, we left these downstairs. They're for you Max.
he walks out.
Max: What do you say to that?
Fred: You're ugly. That's what I say.
Max: Hey, check it out, I got invited to go riverboat gambling!
Trent: In England? In 1964?
Max: Yeah.
Trent: Cool.
Jesse: Forget it Max. You heard De Martino. No one goes out.
Nick: You know, this is a big hotel. Right?
Jesse: Right.
Nick: It's got a lot of neat stuff, right?
Jesse: Right.
Nick: Including a club on the bottom floor. He said we couldn't go out. But we wouldn't even be leaving the building.
Trent: Nick, I love the way you think.
Max: On those rare occasions when he thinks at all.
Jesse: Let's go.
they escape leaving grandpa behind. just then, a hotel employee in a tux comes in.
at the club they dance with some women there. a Mystik Spiral song is playing in the background.
Max's voice (singing):
I'm gonna be annoying baby
I'm gonna send you spam
I'm gonna be annoying baby
I'm gonna send you spam
Send you worthless e-mail baby
And you know I can
Waste your time and memory baby
And you know I can
I'm gonna send you spam
I'm gonna send you spam
I'm gonna send you spam
I'm gonna send you spam
Trent (whispering): 1964 London. No internet yet. And yet these people seemed to love this song.
Voice in the crowd: NO MORE SPAM!
at the riverboat, grandpa is gambling with a lovely blonde at his side. I don't need to tell you where he got his tuxedo.
Fred: You know, I'm really not the gambling type. Is it good when you have four fives?
the other players throw their cards down in disgust.
Fred: Was it something I said?
at the club the boys are still dancing. "Twist and Shout" from the Beatles is playing in the background.
back on the riverboat.
Fred: Aw man, I got real low ones this time.
the players cheer up.
Fred: Two, three, four, five, six, ....well what do you know, all clubs.
the players throw down their cards angrily again.
at the club.
song called "Sunday Driver" and is to the tune of "All My Loving"
Jesse's voice (singing):
Just don't move, let me pass you
I hate to harass you
I hope you don't think me a brat
So please don't be an ass
Put your foot upon the gas
Hey my grandma drives faster than that
How I'd like to ignore you
But I have to implore you
To speed up before we get killed
There's a tail gaiter behind me
And he's trying to remind me
At this speed we'll roll down this hill
Sunday driver, what'd I do to you?
Sunday driver, you hit me I'll sue
I don't mean to complain
But you won't stay in your lane
And that's why I can't pass you up
We have now reached the stage
Where I show some road rage
I swear I'm about to erupt
Sunday driver, what'd I do to you?
Sunday driver, you hit me I'll sue
Woo, Sunday driver, what'd I do to you?
Sunday driver, you hit me I'll sue
De Martino and O'Neil walk in and round up the boys.
Trent (as he's being dragged off): Help, I'm being kidnapped. This man is not my daddy!
back in the room.
De Martino: Don't play technicalities with me Campbell! You knew what I meant!
Trent (Irish accent): Oh, lay off the wee lad. He is a victim of this devil music they call rock and roll. It's tearing our society apart, I tell you.
De Martino: I'LL TEAR YOU APART!
O'Neil: Anthony...
De Martino: Not one WORD out of you.
O'Neil: I was only going to say that there's a naked guy in the closet and he's all tied up with ropes.
Max: Don't look at me. I chain mine and leave them under the bed, never the closet.
Trent: Yeah. You guys are so behind. That's the way all the kiddies do it now.
O'Neil: I'm serious. And Jesse, your grandfather appears to be missing.
Max: Hey, he stole my casino invitation! So that's where he is!
they all run out
O'Neil: I can't help but think we've forgotten something.
man is still tied up in closet. they go to the riverboat.
Fred: Boys! Nice to see you. Man, for a guy that doesn't know what he's doing I really cleaned up tonight.
Jesse: You got rich?
Fred: Well no. I told everyone I would buy the house a round. Damn, these rich honkies can sure put it away.
Max: Um guys...
Jesse: What? How could you do that?
Max: Guys I'm feeling kind of seasick.
Fred: Well how was I supposed to know?
we see the outside of the ship and hear Max barf.
Jesse's voice: Wow.
Trent's voice: So you did eat my banana.
Max's voice: Um sorry. You can have it back now.
Trent's voice: Ew.
Jesse's voice: Uh gramps, I understand why you took that guy's tux, but why was it necessary to take his underwear too?
Fred's voice: No reason.
as the scene pulls back we see a pair of boxers hanging from the ship's flagpole
the next morning Max and Trent are in the bathroom. Max is shaving his head and Trent is in the tub. Trent is splashing plenty of water all over the floor. O'Neil walks in.
Trent (singing): Rubber duckie, you're the one. You make bath time so much fun.
O'Neil: Trent, we're getting some complaints about you from the downstairs neighbors. They say your singing is too loud and that bathwater is leaking into their room.
Trent: What do they expect for a lousy $300 a night?
O'Neil: Yes, but it still might be nice if you cut it out.
Trent: NEVER! I was born to sing.
he dives under the water. as Max and O'Neil walk out De Martino walks in.
De Martino: Where's Trent?
Max: In the tub.
De Martino: Let's go Trent. We've got stuff to do today.
he pulls the plug and the water runs out, but no Trent.
De Martino (picking up the rubber duckie): Trent?
Trent sneaks up behind him.
Trent (yelling): BOOGA, BOOGA, BOOGA!
De Martino (screams): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
De Martino screams and jumps up so hard his head hits the ceiling. everyone rushes in to see what happened.
De Martino (panting and pointing at Trent with one hand while clutching his chest with the other): You... you little............I'm gonna...
Fred: Elizabeth, I think you're gonna get some company.
Trent: That's what you get for touching my rubber duckie!
he grabs the duckie out of De Martino's hand and squeaks it rapidly in his direction.
Trent (to the duckie): That's right, you tell him man!
cut to car ride to the studio. they file out and sneak inside.
Man: You guys are late.
Trent: No, you're just early. Honestly, blaming your own shortcomings on other people. For shame.
Man: They're all waiting for you.
Trent: Who's they?
Man: The press of course.
Trent: Any lookers in the bunch?
Man: I beg your pardon?
Trent: Did you fart? Jesse, my lighter!
De Martino (still shivering): No, Trent. Do NOT do this in front of the press. I BEG OF YOU.
Trent: Relax man. I'll just charm the pants off of them with my personality.
De Martino looks terrified.
Trent: And if that doesn't work we'll pants 'em. Come gentlemen.
they follow Trent inside.
De Martino (to O'Neil): Someday I'm gonna strangle that boy, I swear I will.
O'Neil: Now Anthony, they're only young once.
De Martino: And I'm bitter old man. I know it.
Fred: Naw, I'm a bitter old man. You're young yet.
De Martino: I used to TEACH for a living.
Fred: Never mind, I take it back.
De Martino: Maybe I should go back to that. It wasn't HALF as nerve wracking as BABYSITTING a bunch of overgrown pre-schoolers who call themselves a band.
Kevin's voice: Hey Mr.D! It's me! Remember me Mr. D?
De Martino: Trent! Wait for me! Did I ever tell you that I LOVE YOU?
inside the press conference.
Reporter: Those earrings, did they hurt when they put them in?
Trent: I really don't think they have feelings.
Reporter: Were you trying to make a statement shaving your head?
Max: Yes. And statement is 'I'll never let Jesse give me a haircut again'.
Reporter: Have you experimented with any illegal drugs?
Nick: What's that? I'm sorry but I couldn't hear you. I was experimenting with an illegal drug.
Female Reporter: Do you think the British women are attractive?
Jesse: Are you trying to seduce me Mrs. Robinson?
De Martino: JESSE!
Jesse: Hey I saw her first man!
Reporter: Is that your natural hair color?
Nick: Sure it is. Just like the one before that, and the one before that...
Reporter: Do you ever get care packages from home?
Trent: Sure. Just last week my niece mailed me the meatloaf she was supposed to eat for dinner.
Reporter: Who's that little old man?
Fred: That's it! Why I'm gonna murder the little...
De Martino and O'Neil restrain him.
Jesse: What little old man?
Reporter: Do you have any tattoos?
Max: Sure do. I got one right...
he starts to drop his pants when suddenly De Martino desperately signals him not to.
Max: Er, I mean no, what kind of freak would mutilate his body like that?
Trent flashes him a dirty look.
Reporter: Do you feel threatened by peoples' changing tastes in music?
Nick: No, I feel threatened by our manager. He beats us.
De Martino looks embarrassed.
Reporter: Do you have any children?
Trent: None that I'll admit to.
Reporter: How do you think women should dress?
Jesse: Actually I'd prefer they wear nothing....
Disapproving look from O'Neil.
Jesse: ..too gawky.
Reporter: What inspired you to play the drums?
Max: I play the drums? Why didn't you guys tell me? This whole time I thought I was playing the kazoo! Some friends I have.
after the press conference they sit around in the studio watching the set.
De Martino: I swear the tabloids do not have to do SQUAT to tarnish your reputations. YOU DO A DAMN FINE JOB OF IT YOURSELVES.
Trent: Why thank you.
Nick: We're flattered sir.
Jesse: Really.
Fred: Hey cyclops, you think I could borrow Nick for a minute? Nick, could you autograph this?
Nick: Sure.
Trent: Is that our set down there?
O'Neil: No, they're filming an opera.
Trent: Really? I wonder if they could use an extra. I do one smashing rendition of Rubber Duckie.
they go down to the set where in front of the scenery the band's instruments are kept.
Max drops his drumsticks and a stagehand picks them up.
Stagehand: Could I have just a tap?
Max: No, these drums have special security device causing them to explode if anyone else but me taps them. Ever wonder what REALLY happened to Jimmy Hoffa?
stagehand leaves.
song is called "Freaking Friends For the Long Run" and is to the tune of "If I Fell"
Trent (singing):
If you're falling off your roof
If you're acting like a goof
I would still be your friend
So you flunked the SATs
And you caught an STD
Our friendship wouldn't end
But if I lend my ride to you
Best watch your ass if you leave one scratch
I promise you I'll hunt you down
If your dog has fleas, Ok
But leave him home
If you lost your keys, Ok
We'll break into your house
We've been pals since we were lads
But I'd be mad if we got caught
By your dad
Do you remember when we
Just for a cheap thrill
Took your dad's Chevy
And rolled it down a steep hill
We've been pals since we were lads
But I'd be mad if we got caught
By your dad
So when I look back and see
The crap that we've done
I hope you agree
The life we've led has been fun
Freaking friends for the long run
the director approaches the band.
Director: If you think I'm not good enough for you then say so and I'll leave right now.
Jesse: Ok, we think you're not good enough for us. Now get the hell out. But first tell us who you are.
Fred: Jesse...
Trent: Oh no.
Nick: Ok, what did you say to piss him off and how bad is this gonna hurt us?
Fred: How could you trust a man who dresses like that? O'Neil wouldn't dress that fruity.
Jesse: Grandpa, I think we need to talk about these issues you seem to have with 'fruitiness'.
Director: Mr. De Martino!
De Martino: Oh gosh, what did they do? I apologize in advance and will pay for anything they
broke, replace anything they defiled, care for anyone they impregnated...
Director: They seem to think I'm not good enough to direct tonight's little event.
De Martino: Oh is that all? You had me worried there for a minute. Boys SHUT UP and stop bothering the nice director. This guy is the BEST in the business.
Trent: Ah, but what business is that?
De Martino: GET BACKSTAGE NOW before he walks out on us.
Max: I'd prefer he run out on us.
they leave. as they head backstage they escape through a back exit. they run outside and horse around for a while.
song is called "Won't Buy Me Drugs" and is to the tune of "Can't Buy Me Love"
Jesse's voice (singing):
Won't buy me drugs, drugs
Won't by me drugs
I don't know why he's so uptight
And why he spoils our fun
Why is he always so uptight
And spoils all our fun?
I don't have much love for Tony
Cause Tony won't buy me drugs
Well I just want to light it up
And have a little smoke
But every time I light it up
He nearly has a stroke
I don't have much love for Tony
Cause Tony won't buy me drugs
Won't buy me drugs
De Martino always tells me so
Won't buy me drugs
No no no no
Say we don't want no cannabis
And he seems satisfied
But every week he tests our piss
And he gets horrified
I don't have much love for Tony
Cause Tony won't buy me drugs
Won't buy me drugs
De Martino always tells me so
Won't buy me drugs
No no no no
We say that we'll be good clean boys
And throw away our bong
But we never lose our smoking toys
And smoke like Tommy Chong
I don't have much love for Tony
Cause Tony won't buy me drugs
Won't buy me drugs, drugs
Won't buy me drugs, no
Man: Are you aware you're trespassing on my property?
Trent: No hablo ingles seņor.
Man: Get lost!
Trent: Well if you're gonna be nasty about it...
they leave and head back to the studio. back inside De Martino is in an uproar.
De Martino: The others aren't that bad, just a little SLOW. But they adore Trent and when he acts like an IDIOT they all follow suit. I'm seriously beginning to regret failing him. This is just all one big PLOT to get back at me for that.
O'Neil: Um Anthony, don't you think you're being just a little paranoid?
Fred: Hell no, take a cat of nine tails to the boy. I'll hold him down if you want.
the boys come back in but a lady spots Trent.
Lady: You're him!
Trent: Sorry, being a hero on Daria holds more dignity than being a villain on the Powerpuff Girls.
Lady: Oh you still have your sense of humor.
Trent: I tell you I'm not him.
Lady: Oh but you are.
Trent: No, but I met up with him.
Lady: What did he say?
Trent: He wants to meet up with you.
Lady: Really?
Trent: Yeah. And when he does he wants to...
he whispers something in her ear which shocks her at first but seems to arouse her as well.
Lady: My that naughty boy. I had no idea he was even that limber. You know, you're right. You don't look like him.
she walks away and Trent heads upstairs. In the meantime Nick wanders off and accidentally walks into a marketing office.
Secretary: Come on in, they've been expecting you.
Nick: That's funny, I wasn't expecting me.
she leads him into a room.
Man: Oh he's perfect. Bring him in.
Nick looks around not realizing they're talking about him. he is led to a chair.
Man: Now the idea is this, on camera you're going to give your opinion on some shirts we have.
Nick: Cool. Let's see.
they show him the shirt.
Nick: This is a joke right? Send that shirt to hell. Put it out of my misery.
Man: No, no, you love this shirt. And you are going to convince every mindless troll of a teenager out there that this shirt is really... What are the kids calling it today?
Nick: Hideous?
he notices a poster.
Nick: Hey, isn't that Brittany? She went to high school with my best friend's kid sister.
Man: Yes, she appears in out commercials now. You like her?
Nick: Are you kidding? We love her. Her blundering on camera has given us enough laughs to last a lifetime.
Man: That does it. You can insult what I do, what I sell, but no one insults my star. She's a star now. That makes her everything. Do you understand?
Nick: No. I'll never understand how celebrities have become gods and seem to do our thinking and speaking for us. I mean they're just celebrities, why devote your life to following what they say? What do they know?
Man: Blasphemer! Get him out!
Nick: Sorry if I upset you Satan, I mean sir.
meanwhile the opera is being filmed and Fred is in the basement forging the bands' signatures onto pictures. He hears someone coming and accidentally activates an elevator sending him right onto the stage and right underneath a fat woman's skirt. the woman bears a strange resemblance to Mrs. Johansen.
Woman: Why you pervert, how dare you?
Fred (equally terrified): You think I WANTED to see that? Oh Elizabeth, this is the big one!
the band returns from their little romp outside.
De Martino: Where the HELL have you been?
Max: We took a trip to Uranus.
Nick: Rather drafty, but otherwise pleasant.
Director: Well I need you on stage for a taping session, pronto.
Jesse: Aw, you big bully. Why don't you get on stage?
Trent: Who'd pay to see it?
Jesse: Freaks.
they get up on stage and the cameras roll
song is called "I Can't Stand Her" and is to the tune of "And I Love Her"
Jesse (singing):
I give her all my cash
She doesn't care
She's spending all my cash
On underwear
I can't stand her
She says that I'm a dope
Yet she comes back
She smokes up all my dope
And my mom's crack
I can't stand her
Should really dump
That mean old girl
But I'm spineless
And she knows it
She don't treat anyone
Like she treats me
Picking on me is fun
Wish I was free
I can't stand her
Why is she cruel to me
I'll never know
I wish she's leave me be
I wish she'd go
I can't stand her
Director: See if you can manage to get them into make-up. They really should get their faces powdered off.
De Martino: Right. Trent! Put that dancer down and head over to make-up.
Trent: Did he say make-out? I like the way he thinks. Come on gorgeous.
Dancer: Where are we going?
De Martino: YOU are going nowhere. YOU are going to make-up. You will have to forego the exchange of tongues for now.
Trent: You're just jealous because you couldn't get a woman to save your life.
De Martino: Oh YEAH? Watch this.
he heads offstage. in the distance we hear a loud slap. De Martino returns.
De Martino: Not one word. Not one damn word.
the band heads off for make-up.
Fred: This sucks.
Jesse: Yeah. What does?
Fred: I thought I would at least get to have a little fun but so far I've been cooped up the entire trip with you fools.
Max: I hear you man. That is the nature of the beast.
Fred: What happened to me? Somehow you guys put up with this and still manage to find a way to have fun and somehow I haven't.
Nick: Really? Because I hear you went up on stage and...
Fred (grabs chest): Don't say it. I'll have a real one if you do.
Trent: You mean those other heart attacks were fakes? Oh, wow, you really had us going there for a while. I was all set to call a taxidermist.
Fred: You a sick man, you know that Trent?
O'Neil: Showtime, boys.
Trent: Again?
Max: Man, I'm gonna take a drumstick and shove it up the director's...
O'Neil: Max!
Max: ...nose.
they head off on stage.
Trent: Hey Nick, you feel like taking one?
Nick: Sure. One, two, three, four...
music starts
song is called "Lick Some Toads" and is to the tune of "I'm Happy Just To Dance With You"
Nick (singing):
Before I go insane
Before I lose my brain
Let's just kick back and let's lick some toads
I don't ever really wanna be
Anything at all like Mr. D
So every time we head out on the road
Let's just kick back and let's lick some toads
I don't wanna mess with LSD
And those mushrooms don't taste good to me
So every time I head out on the open road
I just kick back and I lick some toads
Just to lick some toads
Es todo que yo quiero
I put on quite a load
And then I lick some toads
No cuesta mucho dinero
In a band your life can be a mess
No one wants to die too young from stress
So every time we head out on the road
Let's just kick back and let's lick some toads
Just to lick some toads
Es todo que yo quiero
I put on quite a load
And then I lick some toads
No cuesta mucho dinero
I don't wanna mess with LSD
And those mushrooms don't taste good to me
So every time I head out on the open road
I just kick back and I lick some toads
De Martino: Well boys, that's ALL we have to do until the final run-through. You may have THE REMAINING TIME to yourselves. And I beg of you DO NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID, PLEASE!
Max: Stupid? Us? Hell no! Hey Nick, you wanna go play with matches?
De Martino: CONGRATULATIONS Max. For pissing me off at EXACTLY the wrong moment you get to baby-sit grandpa.
Max: Damn!
Fred: Hey, I don't need a baby sitter. Who the hell do you think I am?
De Martino: Why don't you go complain to someone who GIVES A DAMN?
both Max and Fred look at O'Neil who shakes his head.
Fred: Come on Sinead O'Connor. Let's get lunch.
in the cafeteria.
Fred: You boys do this all the time?
Max: Do what?
Fred: Travel around, get bossed around by idiots, get shut in, stuff like that.
Max: Yeah, for the last couple years.
Fred: That doesn't bother you?
Max: It would if we hadn't slept through half of it.
Fred: Man when they took your hair they took your soul with you. What kind of man are you?
Max: The kind that doesn't like to get all philosophical when he's eating.
Fred: Those guys insult you all the time and you always put up with it. You know they think you're a coward?
Max: Hey man, I'm not a coward, I'm a criminale!
Fred: So if you're a... what was that dumb white boy word you just used?
Max: Criminale.
Fred: ...then why put up with it?
Max: You know, you're right.
Fred: I am?
Max: Yes Reverend Sanford, you have made me see the light. I'm going to dump the guys who have been my friends since I was in diapers, abandon a band that's actually on the rise, grow my hair back and run around town looking for loose slots and even looser women. But first I'll have lunch.
Fred: You always this sarcastic?
Max: Only when I'm hungry. And when I'm not.
Fred stares at him just for a minute as if trying to analyze how he thinks.
Fred: Trent says you're not a criminale at all. You're just a scared little girl.
Max (genuine outrage): HE SAID WHAT? Oh, well I'll show him.
he walks out.
Fred: So easy I'm almost ashamed of myself.
in the hall.
Trent: So the bartender says, 'I guess you won't be needing a drink," and the naked chick says...hey Max, where are you going?
Jesse: She said that?
Max: So you think I'm a scared little girl do you?
Trent: Well now that you mention it, yeah. But where are you going?
Max: I'll find out when I get there because I'm a criminale.
he leaves the studio.
Trent: When we find out who taught him that word, we kill.
Nick and Jesse: Agreed.
O'Neil: So, how are you young criminales doing? What? Eeep!
they chase him.
De Martino is on stage.
De Martino: Where on EARTH is Timothy? He was supposed to bring me my LUNCH half an hour ago. Oh there he is.
the boys are in hot pursuit and he yells out as he passes.
O'Neil: ANTHONY, THEY'VE GONE CRAZY! HELP ME!
De Martino: YOU DIDN'T BRING MY LUNCH! HEY BOYS, SAVE A PIECE OF HIM FOR ME!
meanwhile Max is roaming around in London. two girls recognize him. they whisper to each other. the only thing audible from their conversation is...
Girl: Naw, he's the ugly one. He's not worth the chase.
Max sighs and continues walking. he walks by the river and throws a brick in only to hit a diver who is emerging. as a cop approaches, Max puts his hands in his pockets and whistles innocently as walks away very quickly. back at the studio...
O'Neil (from atop some scaffolding): I swear I didn't teach him that word! He taught me!
De Martino: Speaking of Max, where is he?
Trent: We killed him.
Nick: And after we polish off O'Neil and you the spell will be broken and we'll be motivated again.
Jesse: Would you prefer a quick death or a slow and horrible one?
De Martino doesn't answer, he just growls.
Jesse: Slow and horrible it is!
cut to Max who's being thrown out of a bar.
Max (drunk): Yeah, well I've been thrown out of better places than this! I'm a crinamale! I'm from the United States of Lawndale!
he stumbles into a light pole.
Max: Pardon me madam.
cut back to the studio.
De Martino: He LEFT?!
Trent: Uh huh.
De Martino: And you LET him?
Jesse: It's kind of hard to stop a criminale with a head full of steam and little else.
De Martino: This isn't like him. Even Max has more common sense than that. Where on earth would he get the idea to up and leave right when we're about to...
everyone has the same thought at once.
Everyone: GRANDPA!
Fred is outside selling his forged autographs.
Kid: How much?
Fred: 10 pounds.
Kid: 10 quid! That's too much! Can't you come down a little on the price?
Fred: Sure. As soon as England makes a halfway decent car.
Teen: Hey, this guy's just one old man. Let's just take them from him.
Fred: No, don't listen to him! I'll kick all your asses!
they ignore his threat and mob him. the cops come in and grab grandpa. meanwhile Max is kneeling down by the river barfing. he gets up holding his head. a kid approaches him.
Kid: Hey mister!
Max: Ow! Not so loud!
Kid: What's wrong with you?
Max: Oncoming sobriety, that's what. Could you please not breathe so loud?
Kid: Sorry.
Max: Oh no! I have to do a rock show tonight! All that noise... Oh what have I done?
Kid: You a rocker?
Max: See any armrests on me kid? Just kidding. I've been known to play a tune or two in my life.
Kid: What instrument?
Max: The drums.
Kid: You're a drummer? Sucks to be you. If you think your head hurts now...
Max: Tell me about it. Hey, why aren't you in school?
Kid: Why aren't you working?
Max: Me working? If I weren't in so much agony I'd be laughing my ass of at the very thought. You still didn't answer my question.
Kid: I'm just mad at my school.
Max: The teachers that teach you aren't cool?
Kid: Yeah, they're holding me down.
Max: Turning you around?
Kid: Yup, and filling me up with their rules.
Max: I can relate. My gosh if I had a dime for every time I played hooky... well I'd have a lot of dimes.
Kid: It must be great to be grown-up and not to have to see your teachers anymore.
Max (looks down): Yeah. Great.
kid all of the sudden looks up and runs.
Max: Hey, where are you going?
Cop (behind Max): Are you aware that boy is truant?
Max turns around.
Max: Uh no officer.
Cop: You didn't think it was at all suspicious that a young boy was running around outside on a school day?
Max: You mean he lied to me about it being a holiday? So it isn't Guy Fawlkes Day after all.
Voice in the distance: BOLLOCKS!
Cop: Nice try. You are under arrest for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
Max (shaking his fist and yelling): You lied to me kid. Now I'll never believe in anything again.
at the station.
Cop (to his sergeant): This one's a royal pain in the bum. he kept asking me if he could wear my helmet, play with my whistle, play with my knight stick, and then he inquired as to my donut consumption. HEY STOP THAT YOU!
Max is drawing mustaches and glasses on all the wanted posters.
Max: What? What did I do?
just then Fred is brought in.
Fred: You can't do this to me. This is police brutality!
he sees Max and then grabs his chest.
Fred: Elizabeth, this one's for real!
Max: Why you little...
he dives at Fred but the cops pull them apart.
Cop: What's the matter with you? Attacking a little old man like that, for shame!
Fred (smirking): Yeah Max, what's the matter with you?
Cop: You know each other?
Fred: No, I swear I've never seen this bald cracker before!
Cop: Then how did you know his name?
Fred: Um, I got ESPN. I can read minds.
Cop: Really? Then what am I thinking?
Fred: That this dude's a liar?
Cop: Bingo. Sit down.
Fred sits next to Max.
Fred: So... what's new with you?
Max: Nothing. Oh wait, I got laughed at, got kicked out of a bar, and, oh yeah, I got arrested.
Fred: Is that all?
Max: I've got a show tonight. How the hell am I gonna get out of here?
Fred: Like this.
he runs out the door before any cops can react. they don't even bother trying to chase him as he is too fast and has too much of a head start.
Max: Um, excuse me mister policeman sir, just out of curiosity, what would happen if I tried that?
Cop: We'd bash your bloody noggin in.
Max: Just asking.
cut back to studio. a guard out in front is keeping kids from getting in as Fred arrives. the guard stops him, so to distract him, Fred goes into his heart attack routine.
Guard: Nice try. Three of the kids already pulled that routine.
Fred: They did? Hey isn't that Halley's Comet?
Guard: Where?
Fred decks him.
Fred: I can't believe you fell for that!
he runs inside with the angry guard hot on his heels. Fred runs right for the stage where the band is.
Fred: Boys! Call him off!
Guard: Do you know this man?
Jesse: Never seen him before in my life.
O'Neil: Jesse! Yes, he's with the band.
Fred: Hey thanks Boy George. I appreciate that.
De Martino: Dare I ASK where our beloved DRUMMER might be?
Fred: The cops got him.
Trent: You're kidding. He actually got nabbed by the cops? A man who's had more experience running from police than you've had faking cardiac episodes?
Nick (giggling): Oh man, he must be crying like Mr. O'Neil after watching Titanic by now.
cut back to police station.
Max and cops (singing): ...I got married to the girl next door, she's been married seven times before...
cut back to studio.
Trent: Well boys, looks like it's time to pull a rescue mission.
Jesse: Can we get some fish 'n chips on the way? I'm too hungry to outrun any cops right now.
Trent: No.
Jesse: Ok, let's go.
they run to the police station and within moments the cops are hot on their heals. Max casually strolls out the front door and finishes off the tea and scone he is holding before racing after them. they pass a car thief who ducks down as they pass. they all race into a building with a sign that says 'Massage Parlor (No Not The Legit Kind, The Sleazy Kind)' and a few minutes later they all walk out wearing bathrobes over their clothes and looking quite relaxed. suddenly they all remember what they're doing, pull off the bathrobes and resume the chase. they pass the thief again and he ducks down again. they race back into the station.
Trent: Sergeant, I must say your men are in tip top shape. And I assure you we will be giving our superiors at the British police physical fitness inspection center a good review.
Sergeant: Oh goody, I'll probably be promoted for this.
the band walks out the front door.
Sergeant's voice from inside the station: HEY WAIT A MINUTE!
and the chase is on. they chase them around the block again. once again they pass the car thief who ignores them this time and gets in. he hot wires the car which explodes. the car's license plate crashes to the ground. it reads MAFIA1. they run back towards the studio where more police are holding back fans. In the confusion from the near-riot that ensues, the boys sneak inside.
Fred: I'm sorry. I was just trying to have a little fun.
De Martino: FUN?! I'LL SHOW YOU FUN YOU OLD FART! LET ME GO TIMOTHY!
O'Neil: Anthony, get a hold of yourself!
De Martino: You're right. I don't know what got into me. I'm sorry.
the second O'Neil lets him go De Martino attacks Fred again. the boys runs in.
Jesse: Mr. D, stop that! If anyone is gonna kill him it'll be us.
De Martino: Trent, did I ever tell you you're the biggest pain in the ass I've ever met?
Trent: Yes.
De Martino: Well sorry son, but we have a new champion.
Trent: We'll just see about that. It's a long ride back to Lawndale my friend.
De Martino: Just get on stage.
Max: Um, can't we postpone this for, you know, a couple days?
De Martino: Why?
O'Neil: Max, is that the aroma of liquor and vomit that I smell on your breath?
Nick: Sorry mi amigo, but the show must go on.
Max (as he's dragged off): No, my head, OH PLEASE IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY HAVE A LITTLE MEARCY! OH MY FREAKING HEAD! IF I DIE FROM A STROKE UP THERE I'M GONNA HAUNT YOU FRED!
they go on stage where the fans go nuts. this nearly makes Max double over
Trent: Thank you ladies and gentleman, but especially ladies.
favorable reaction from crowd.
Trent: We'd like to start out by doing a Beatles cover. ONE TWO THREE FOUR...
Trent (singing):
Tell me why you cried
And why you lied to me
Tell me why you cried
And why you lied to me
Well I gave you everything I had
But you left me sitting on my own
Did you have to treat me oh so bad
All I do is hang my head and moan
Tell me why you cried
And why you lied to me
Tell me why you cried
And why you lied to me
If there's something I have said or done
Tell me what and I'll apologize
If you don't I really can't go on
Holding back these tears in my eyes
Tell me why you cried
And why you lied to me
Tell me why you cried
And why you lied to me
Well I beg you on my bended knees
If you'll only listen to my pleas
Is there anything I can do
'cause I really can't stand it
I'm so in love with you
Tell me why you cried
And why you lied to me
Tell me why you cried
And why you lied to me
Trent (singing):
If you're falling off your roof
If you're acting like a goof
I would still be your friend
So you flunked the SATs
And you caught an STD
Our friendship wouldn't end
But if I lend my ride to you
Best watch your ass if you leave one scratch
I promise you I'll hunt you down
If your dog has fleas, Ok
But leave him home
If you lost your keys, Ok
We'll break into your house
We've been pals since we were lads
But I'd be mad if we got caught
By your dad
Do you remember when we
Just for a cheap thrill
Took your dad's Chevy
And rolled it down a steep hill
We've been pals since we were lads
But I'd be mad if we got caught
By your dad
So when I look back and see
The crap that we've done
I hope you agree
The life we've led has been fun
Freaking friends for the long run
Trent (singing):
Life couldn't be deader than it is these days
That's why we rock in a drug induced haze
and it pays hey, hey, hey, and it pays
We don't worry about the minds we've destroyed
Don't care when Mr. D gets annoyed
We're employed! We're employed!
And when I tell him "pull my finger"
Oh, it's his own fault if he complies
I guess it isn't any wonder
He has it out for all us guys
We mooned half of downtown London last night
We gave the House of Lords quite a fright
what a sight, what a sight
And on our tour we met the Queen once
Oh, I joked about her son's affair
Well she got mad and called her guards in
They tossed us ten feet in the air
I suppose I shouldn't be such a pain
Sometime before Mr. D goes insane
on this train, on this train
O'Neil hates to see him angry
Although for us it's quite a thrill
We really think he's gonna kill us
Right when he see our liquor bill
Our liquor bill
Our liquor bill
song called "She Shoves You" and is to the tune of "She Loves You"
Trent: This one's about junior high romance and it's a personal favorite of mine.
Trent (singing):
She shoves you, yeah, yeah, yeah,
She shoves you, yeah, yeah, yeah,
She shoves you, yeah, yeah, yeah,
You say she hates your guts
And maybe you're correct
But I think she has a crush
And she's too scared to defect
You say she shoves you
And you say you've had enough
You say she shoves you
But I think it must be love
You say I must be nuts
She nearly crushed your spine
Each time she kicks your butt
She's saying please be mine
You say she shoves you
And you say you've had enough
You say she shoves you
But I think it must be love
She shoves you, yeah, yeah, yeah,
She shoves you, yeah, yeah, yeah,
She shoves you, yeah, yeah, yeah,
With a love like that you might just wind up flat
Some people say love hurts
When you're young it's really true
They'll shove you in the dirt
And it's all for love of you
You say she shoves you
And you say you've had enough
You say she shoves you
But I think it must be love
She shoves you, yeah, yeah, yeah,
She shoves you, yeah, yeah, yeah,
She shoves you, yeah, yeah, yeah,
With a love like that you might just wind up flat
With a love like that you might just wind up flat
towards the end of the song Fred comes up through the elevator in the stage. Trent grabs him and throws him to the side. we can hear a faint "Elizabeth I'm coming home baby" in the background.
the crowd goes wild. Max looks like he's going to die. they get off the stage to the backstage area. they all head to the stage door.
De Martino: Now boys, we hit Whales TOMORROW, Scotland the day after THAT... TRENT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Trent: I'm trying to set fire to your pants. After all, I have a title to reclaim.
they head out to a helicopter which takes off. Max gets sick and pukes out the window onto a few unfortunate fans.
Trent's voice (singing): It's been a hard, dazed night
And I've been sitting here in jail
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I'm tad bit short of bail
I can't remember a thing
Hope I'll be out before spring
So I can rock all night
I'm glad that Max ain't here
Cause he'd be pissing in his pants
Well I've got no fears
As long as no one checks out my ass
'Cause I am nobody's girl
The very thought makes me hurl
'Cause I'm all man
When I'm stoned, life doesn't seem so insane
When I'm stoned, you know I am feeling no pain
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I've been sitting here in jail
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I'm tad bit short of bail
I can't remember a thing
Hope I'll be out before spring
So I can rock all night
'Cause I am nobody's girl
The very thought makes me hurl
'Cause I'm all man
When I'm stoned, life doesn't seem so insane
When I'm stoned, you know I am feeling no pain
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I've been sitting here in jail
It's been a hard, dazed night
And I'm tad bit short of bail
I can't remember a thing
Hope I'll be out before spring
So I can rock all night
So I can rock all night
So I can rock all night
THE END
(c)2001 Joseph Kerner
Disclaimer: Oh where to begin? "Tell Me Why", not mine (Lennon/Mc Cartney). The character of Fred Sanford, not mine. The characters from A Hard Days Night, not mine. The characters from Daria, not mine. Rubber Duckie, believe it or not, not mine. Mrs. Robinson, not mine. The Monopoly railroads, not mine. Some other stuff, not mine. Everything else, mine.