Terrible Tales of






©2006 The Angst Guy (theangstguy@yahoo.com)

Daria and associated characters are ©2006 MTV Networks



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Synopsis: A series of unfortunate dates with Tiffany Blum-Deckler, guaranteed to bring new meaning to the term “dismemberment.”


Author's Notes: This story is rated R for dreadful content. You were warned. It is derived from a Daria ficlet I wrote on September 15-16, 2003, for a bad fanfic contest on PPMB. It was revised 11/03/06.


Acknowledgements: Thanks to Miss Blum-Deckler, for being there.











Chapter One


            It was unfortunate, to say the least, that when the world-wise cheerleader Brittany Taylor explained the mechanics of male-female oral sex to Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Brittany said it helped to practice on a ketchup bottle, with the tragic result that when Tiffany found herself in a position to use her newfound knowledge on a Friday-night date with Jeffy, the only tidbit that came to her befuddled mind was that it was something like using a ketchup bottle, and the only technique she knew for using a ketchup bottle was how to start the flow of ketchup when it was too thick—to wit: you grasp the upended bottle firmly with one hand, then smack the bottom of the bottle with your fist as hard as possible.




Chapter Two


            Despite an urgent plea from Jeffy, phoning from the Intensive Care Unit of the Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, Joey elected to go ahead with his Saturday-night date with Tiffany, believing that it was Jeffy’s failure to explain his expectations for the date beforehand that led to his friend’s traumatic injury and subsequent hospitalization, and so it was that when Joey and Tiffany were in the back seat of Joey’s car in a secluded area by the abandoned rock quarry, Tiffany reluctantly went ahead with Joey’s ardent request and, with the eager Joey gripped firmly in her left hand, she reached down with her right hand and pulled from her purse her father’s Black and Decker industrial-strength portable power drill with a Phillip’s-head bit, and proceeded in her well-meaning but literal-minded way to give Joey the screwing of his life.




Chapter Three


            The news got around Lawndale High School the following Monday that Jamie now shared the Cedars of Lawndale ICU with his two buddies, following his previous night’s date with Tiffany, the circumstances of which cannot be printed here except to note that an irritated Sandi Griffin gave Tiffany a blistering, no-nonsense lecture in the girls’ restroom that began with, “He didn’t really mean to jerk it off, damn it!”




Chapter Four


            Tiffany’s dating life looked like it had come to an abrupt end, forever and ever, and indeed it did, for about two hours, which was when the substitute for her junior-year English Literature class arrived, a Mr. Ken Edwards (brought in because of the ongoing teacher’s strike), and during class he confided in Tiffany that he was writing a novel about “a slightly older, sensitive man and the love a budding woman child feels for him when she gets to know him better,” and advised her that “love can be so simple when the hand of experience nurtures the budding flower to full blossom,” so surely she could be excused when she thought he was talking about gardening, and when he asked to see her that evening to “cultivate their relationship,” she decided that a gardening date with a teacher was better than no date at all, and she invited him over to her place while her parents were out, and it was there that Mr. Edwards began to wax lyrical about her and finally burst out that he would never be happy again unless he could “die the little death buried in the sweet paradise of your perfumed garden,” at which point poor Tiffany became confused (this was not how she had imagined the date would turn out), but she finally gave in to his entreaties, obediently led him out into the backyard, struck him in the back of the head with a shovel, and interred him three feet below the fragrant peonies (“Sweating . . . eww”).




Chapter Five


            Tiffany was declared incompetent to stand trial, which surprised no one, and was in time returned to Lawndale High School, where she was given a very wide berth by every male in the school but still made straight A’s in the misanthropic Janet Barch’s science class, and was thus later awarded a scholarship to the prestigious Bromwell University, where she shared an intro biology class with a certain Tom Sloane, who was so taken with her beauty and agreeable nature that he proposed marriage, knowing nothing of her prior felony charges, and as you can doubtless see where this is going I shall not bother relating the events of their honeymoon and the misunderstanding over what was meant by the phrase, “stuffing the monkey in the organ grinder,” and will instead, like the late, lamented Tom, reach