Can't Touch That!

CAN’T

TOUCH THAT!

Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me, whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: theangstguy@yahoo.com

Synopsis: Kevin “QB Hammer” Thompson gets his fifteen seconds of fame on Lawndale Idol, with predictable results.

Author's Notes: This musical number was given life on a January 2006 PPMB thread called, “The Dance Remix of Scenes That Should Never Happen.” It was inspired by American Idol parodies done by WacoKid and Decelaraptor. It helps if you listen to M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” before reading the script, but if you remember it clearly enough, that’s fine, too.

Acknowledgements: Thanks muchly to WacoKid and Decelaraptor, and thanks again to WacoKid, who suggested a critical change that I adopted. Yo!

TED DEWITT-CLINTON [the show announcer]:

Now, for the final act on Lawndale High School’s edition of “Lawndale Idol,” here is, um, Kevin Thompson as QB Hammer, with the Lawndale High School Marching Band.

DARIA MORGENDORFFER [a talent judge]:

Oh, no.

MACK MACKENZIE [another judge]:

Oh, God.

STACY ROWE [the final judge]:

Oh, boy!

[The Lawndale High School Marching Band begins to energetically play a song that sounds suspiciously like MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.” At the height of the opening chords, a spotlight turns on Kevin “QB Hammer” Thompson, dressed exactly like a 1980s MC Hammer, with the same kind of haircut, holding a microphone and saying—]

KEVIN THOMPSON:

My, my, my, my—

Center hikes to me so hard, makes me say, “Yo, block them guards!”

I take the snap and I fall back from Oakwood’s frontline, dodge the sack.

Yeah, I feel good, I got them beat, I’m damn near flyin’ on my two feet!

I’m known to all as the Lions’ QB, and that’s why you . . . can’t touch me!

JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE [backup singers]:

Oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh!

KEVIN:

That's word, Mack Daddy, ‘cause you can’t touch me!

MACK:

I told you—

KEVIN:

Can’t touch me!

JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE:

Oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh!

KEVIN:

Yo! Flag thrown!

My runnin’ back just got knocked down, they stomped the fullback in the ground,

My wide receiver’s miles away, so it’s up to me to save the day.

I’m dodgin’ jumpin’ runnin’, yo, when I see daylight through that hole.

I’m at the thirty, twenty, ten—yeah, Lawndale’s kicked your ass again!
That’s word, babe! You can't touch me!

BRITTANY TAYLOR [cheerleader in audience]:

What? I can’t touch you? But I thought we were going out, Kevvie!

KEVIN:

Babe, wait, that’s just part of the song! Wait a minute, babe! Hey! Oh, maaan!

Break it down!

JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE:

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh!

KEVIN:

Stop! Game time!

I call the plays, I call the shots, and when we’re done, you know who’s hot!

I grab my babe and hold her tight, the whole team parties the rest of the night!

Yo, Oakwood twigs, get back to school, ‘cause Lawndale’s where the Lions rule!

Next time you try for this QB, you just remember . . . can’t touch me!

JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE:

Oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh!

STACY [dancing]:

Nice beat, guys! This could be a winner!

DARIA:

I think I’m going to be sick.

MACK:

Here’s a bucket. Don’t get any of it on me.

KEVIN:

Yo! Mack Daddy! Did you like it?

MACK:

I told you not to call me that!

JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE:

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh!

DARIA:

I think they can quit singing that now.

JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE:

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh!

DARIA:

I said—

KEVIN:

Here’s my end-zone dance! Break it down!

DARIA [gets up from seat, holding a real hammer]

Fine. I’ll break it down.

STACY:

Daria! No! Somebody stop her! C’mon, Mack!

MACK:

I’m kind of curious to see what happens next.

JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE:

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh!

KEVIN:

Can’t touch me!

DARIA [approaching Kevin from behind]

Sure.

JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE:

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh!

KEVIN [just as Daria reaches him]:

Can’t touch m—

Original: 01/19/06, modified 11/03/06, 07/26/08

FINIS