2007: A Daria Odyssey by Marjory Aldora (We see Jane's room. Jane and Daria are sitting on Jane's bed wearing nightshirts. There is a sleeping bag on the floor-obviously Daria is spending the night. The TV is turned to "Sick Sad World," natch.) Announcer: Humans and animals co-starring in a porn flick? The REAL wild kingdom of porn, next on "Sick Sad World". Daria: They aren't even trying anymore. Jane: I know. This has as much class as one of those low-rent talk shows where people throw pies at each other. Daria: Isn't that why we watch it? Jane: I guess. (Pause) Doesn't this feel kinda weird, you spending the night? (Imitates Quinn's voice) Like maybe we should give each other makeovers & new hairstyles, stuff like that. Daria: Please. I'm feeling queasy enough from those nine bags of sour-cream-and-salsa-pork rinds we finished off. Jane: Then maybe we should go to sleep. I'm feeling anemic. (The girls get situated and turn out the lights.) Jane: Daria? Daria (groggily): What? Jane: What do you think happens after you die? Daria: You get to sleep peacefully forever, uninterrupted by friends asking you ludicrous questions. Jane: No, really. Where do you go? Daria: If I smother you with your pillow, you can find out. Jane: Never mind. Daria: Thank you. (She tries to go back to sleep.) Jane(tentatively): Daria? Daria(annoyed): Isn't your blood supposed to be screaming at you to go to sleep? Jane: One more thing. Where do you think we'll be in ten years? Daria: That is a question I find impossible to answer, seeing as how I can't even predict tomorrow afternoon at this point. Although something tells me I'll be on trial for my best friend's murder. Jane: Okay, okay! I'm going to sleep. (Gratefully, Daria closes her eyes. We sense a dream sequence coming on as Jane's question "Where do you think we'll be...?" echoes. Fade to black.) Daria's Voice: We are the government's best-kept secret. Our mission-to protect the earth from the scum of the universe while maintaining a purely platonic relationship. (Out of the black, a door is kicked open and 2 silhouettes stand there holding huge weapons. One silhouette is identifiable as Daria's. "Men In Black" by Will Smith is the featured musical selection.) Song: Eeep! Eeep! Here come the men in black... (We get a close-up of the silhouettes. One is indeed Daria, ten years older. The other looks like an animated David Duchovny. Both are wearing RayBans. Cut to a sterile, tiled room where Daria is performing an alien autopsy. She lifts something slimy from its body) Daria: Somehow I thought this job would be a little more glamorous... (The cartoon Fox Mulder, whose name is Wolf (haha), walks up behind her) Wolf: You mean like Men In Black? Please. (Takes a closer look at the alien) Now THAT'S an autopsy! Daria: Please, Wolf. I'm close enough to you to be able to drop a slimy wad of alien intestine down your drawers. Wolf: (backs off) All right, all right. Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Daria: You aren't implying... Wolf: No, no. Just curious. Daria: Well, since I don't feel like being a smart-ass, I'll tell you the truth. I'm going to visit my old friend Jane in SoHo, and then we're going back to Lawndale to visit our families. Wolf: Oh, man. I pity you. Daria: Thanks. (Cut to a coffee bar in SoHo, the Java Joint. It is plastered with posters advertising a one-woman piece of performance art, titled "Sick Sad Me" and starring Jane Lane, which is currently going on inside. Daria is on the sidewalk, examining them) Daria: Damn. She hasn't changed much. (She walks inside. Jane is onstage, perched on a chair while addressing her audience) Jane: And that is why I am here today. If I hadn't been emotionally crippled by evil harpies out to boost my self-esteem, you would have spent the past 90 mins. with a bunch of finger-snapping beatniks rather than hearing me whine about the trials and tribulations of my sick, sad life. (Bows. Thunderous applause. Jane walks offstage and literally runs into Daria) Daria: Nice to see you again, too. Jane: Daria. What a pleasant surprise. You're a day early. So, how's the FBI treating you? Daria: Oh, you know, digging around in alien's bodies, same old, same old. Jane: Cool. Hey, let's get a cab back to my place. (Cut to Jane's loft. Daria is appraising a sculpture, the same one Jane was working on in "Road Worriers" that fell apart.) Daria: Now, this looks familiar. (Suddenly, a thunderous guitar chord shakes the house. The sculpture falls apart) Jane: Dammit! That's the third time this month that that's happened. Daria(visibly shaken): What was that? Jane: It's Jesse. He's been practicing nonstop for the past 3 days. Including sleeping with the guitar in his hands. Daria: Aren't you guys married yet? Jane: Nah, we decided marriage was too much like a professional bondage ceremony. Besides, it kinda lost its appeal after watching yours and Trent's relationship deteriorate. Daria: Please. Must you mention that? Jane: Mention what? (The doorbell rings, and Jane flings the door open. Trent is standing there. Daria looks stricken) Trent: Hey, Daria. Daria(shocked and puzzled): Hey. What are you doing here? Trent: Helpful Corn rehearsal. You? Daria: Experiencing an awkward situation. Trent: Relax, Daria. I'm not pissed off that you left me to elope with the FBI. Daria: You're...not? (Jesse appears, guitar case in hand) Jesse: Yo, Trent. Can we practice over at your place? My amp's busted. Jane: What else is new? Trent: Sure. Bye, Daria. (They leave) Daria: What just happened? Jane: I take it you're disappointed that he acted so blase around you. Look, Daria, he has no anger toward you whatsoever. Daria: No? Jane: No, but he's depressed as hell. I warned him you'd be here. That's why he didn't throw himself at you. Daria: HE's been taking it that hard? Jane: Daria, the guy's a musician. Musicians are far more emotionally receptive. Trent just bought this sprawling Spanish villa and named it Daria Manor. Daria: Oh, no. Jane: That's not all. He's thinking of calling the new Helpful Corn album "Songs For Daria". Daria: Oh, God, no. I've created a monster. Jane: Yup. He never got over you, Daria. He's tried compensating for his loneliness with a couple of waitresses, but he always goes back to, Daria, Daria, Daria. Daria: Joyness. Now I'm enlightened. Jane: Speaking of enlightenment...(she hands Daria a book)...Jesse and I wrote a self-help book last year. Daria(reads cover): "Stumbling on the Path to Enlightenment"? Jane: Great bathroom read. Daria: "Chapter 1:How Popularity Hinders Your Spiritual Growth." Jane: Quinn was the case study for that one. So, you ready for the trip back to good old Lawndale tomorrow? Daria: Now I am. I don't think I could face Trent again. He might start kissing my ankles. Jane: C'mon, Daria. Can you really imagine Trent doing that? Daria: Jane, I lived with your brother for 6 years. I've seen him do it. (Jane raises her eyebrows. Cut to the next day. Jane and Daria are on a plane to Lawndale) Jane: Hey Daria? Daria: What? Jane: What do you think happened to everyone from Lawndale High? (Daria looks thoughtful. Cut to a massive store with a sign reading Mackenzie Home Furnishings. Inside we see Mack, now wearing a suit and tie but still with dreads, showing off a huge, freeform sculpture to a customer.) Customer: Very...interesting. Who's the creator? Mack: Her name's Jane Lane. Old classmate of mine. You know, she’s one of the most celebrated artists in SoHo. Customer: Ah. Well, actually I had something a bit less...bohemian in mind. Mack: Then I suggest the glass tigers. (Gestures to one nearby) They're gr-r-r-reat! Customer: I think I'll just browse for now. Mack: Sure. Just let me know if you have any questions. (The customer walks off. Kevin, still wearing his football jersey, walks up to Mack) Kevin: Hey, Mack Daddy! Long time no see. Mack: We just saw each other last week. And don't call me that. (Gives Kevin the once-over)Why haven't you burned that jersey yet? Kevin: Hey, man, it's my lucky jersey! I wouldn't be an arena football hero today if it weren't for those four touchdowns I made 9 years ago. How’s Jodie? Mack: Fine. She's come up with a new way to teach her class. (Cut to Jodie, now a social psych teacher at Lawndale High, in front of a classroom. Written on the chalkboard is "Daria Morgendorffer: A Case study".) Jodie: Daria, in her Lawndale heyday, was tagged a "misery chick" by many. Take Tommy Sherman, for instance. You know, the guy who got a plaque for being an egotistical jock. Football player: Mrs. Mackenzie, Tommy Sherman's a legend! He's like the god of Lawndale High! Jodie: Tommy Sherman was a self-centered jackass!(Smiles sweetly) Anyone else have input? (Cut back to Mack and Kevin) Kevin: How about your kids? They ready for the Pint-Size Playoffs next week against mine? Mack: I'm coaching them every day after work. They'll be ready. How's Brittany? Kevin(lowers his voice):Not so great. I think she's catching on. Last week I came home smelling like someone else's perfume. Man, did I have to do some fast talking to get out of that one! Mack(closes his eyes in disgust): You have no scruples. Kevin:Wow, I guess not. (Cut to Jane & Daria at the Lawndale airport. They're standing in the terminal looking lost.) Jane: So...you really ready to go back home? Daria: No way. Jane: I thought as much. Let's go somewhere first, then. How about the mall? Daria: You have got to be kidding. Jane: Actually, I'm not. I just had this weird feeling we'd run into someone we know there. (Cut to a software store in the Mall of the Millennium. Jane & Daria are checking out computer games) Jane: Sick Sad World-The CD-ROM. Hey, maybe I should get this. (Daria spots a VR display featuring a new game. She inspects.) Daria: Ohmigod. Say it isn't so. Jane: What? Daria: (shoves one of the games at her) Get a load of this. Jane(reads box): "CyberStud. Live out all your wildest fantasies with a host of virtual vixens at your command." Daria: Read the fine print. Jane:"Created by... Charles Ruttenheimer"? Oh, my God! (Bursts out laughing) I knew Upchuck was a horny little bastard, but this takes the cake. Daria: Wonder what he's doing these days. (Cut to a Hollywood Hills mansion, where Upchuck is talking to two girls) Upchuck: So ladies, like a glimpse of my boudoir? Girl 1(whispering to Girl 2): I don't even care how rich he is anymore, he's giving me the creeps. Girl 2: Let's get the hell out of here. (They leave) Upchuck: WAIT! I'll buy you each a Porsche! A New York penthouse! An island! (Sighs) Now I'll never score! (Cut back to Jane & Daria) Jane: Probably getting rejected, no doubt. Part 2 (Cut from Daria & Jane to Razzmatazz, a chic clothing boutique also in the Mall of the Millennium. Quinn, the store's manager, is examining a display of new outfits.) Quinn: Ugh! You cannot have the lavender-and-spring-green mini kilts next to the chartreuse tank tops! They clash totally! Whoever arranged this display is fired! (Glances at the wall clock) Oh, it's almost time for lunch. I wonder who's going to take me? (As if on cue, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie walk in. They are also mall employees) Joey: Hey Quinn, can I take you to lunch? Jeffy: Back off! It's my turn to take her! Jamie: Hey, you guys, I was gonna ask her first! Quinn: Look, Joey, Jeffy...Jethro? Jamie: It's Jamie... Quinn: Whatever. Look, I think it's really sweet of you guys to want to take me to lunch, but you've been doing it for the past five years. I think I should give someone else a chance. Joey, Jeffy, Jamie(disappointed): Oh. Quinn: But that doesn't mean you have to stop buying me stuff and taking me places. (A suave-looking guy enters the store and walks up to Quinn) GUY: Quinn, I was wondering if you'd like to join me for lunch. Quinn: Sure, Jacques. (Grabs her purse) See you guys later! (She leaves Joey, Jeffy, & Jamie staring hopelessly after her. Cut to Jane & Daria, now walking through the mall. Jane is swinging a plastic shopping bag) Daria: I can't believe you bought Upchuck's game. Jane: Hey, I'm curious, all right? (Squints) Uh, Daria... Daria: What? Jane: Evil manipulative sister, 12:00. Daria: Oh, no. Not Quinn. Jane: 'Fraid so. Hey, we caught her in her natural habitat! (Daria grins fiendishly) Jane: What? You're planning to stir up some trouble, right? Daria: She's with a guy. I'm gonna have some fun. Jane: I gotta see this. (Cut to Quinn and Jacques, who are now seated at a wire-curlicue table in a French cafe in the food court.) Quinn: Jacques, can you please excuse me for a moment? (Bats her lashes) I have to run to the ladies' room. Jacques: Sure. (In the ladies' room, we see Quinn before a mirror, scribbling frantically in that coral day-planner from "Pinch Sitter".) Quinn (aloud, as she writes): "Jacques. Pro #1: He took me to a French cafe. Con #1: In the mall." (Cut back to the table, where Jacques is staring into space while tapping his foot. Daria and Jane walk up.) Daria: Excuse me. Are you Quinn's boyfriend? Jacques (suspiciously): Who are you? Daria: Quinn's BIG sister. Which one are you? Antonio? Orlando? Kip? Jacques (witheringly): Jacques. Jane: Ah, she's going for French dudes now. (Daria and Jane sit down at the table. Jacques casts a helpless glance in the direction of the restrooms.) Daria: So, how long have you two been dating? Jacques: Actually...this is kind of our first date. Daria: OH. So I don't suppose she's told you about her condition? Jacques (warily): Condition? Daria: Whenever she gets in the backseat of a car--usually a really EXPENSIVE car--with a guy, she gets a little...overexcited. Jacques: Overexcited? Daria: She...loses control of bodily functions. (We are left with a close-up of Jacques's horrified expression. Cut back to Jane & Daria, who are sitting at the table alone) Jane: You're the root of all evil. Daria: I know. (Quinn walks up) Daria: Hi, Sis. Have a nice date? Quinn: Daria?! What are YOU doing here? Where's Jacques? Daria: I'm afraid I frightened him off with the anecdote of your little accident in the back of Timmy Zimmerman's Mercedes. Quinn: What accident?! You--AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! (She storms off. Jane and Daria smirk at each other.) (Cut to the Morgendorffer house. Helen is at the stove, stirring a pot of sauce. Jake is leaning on the counter, and they are smiling coyly at each other. Their marriage has improved drastically since Quinn and Daria left home.) Helen: That trip to the Bahamas was certainly what we needed, wasn't it, Jakey? Jake: Sure was. I wish we were still there. Helen: Why's that? Jake: You remember...that one night on the beach with the full moon... Helen: Oh, Jake! (Giggles girlishly) (The doorbell rings) Helen: That must be the girls. (They both go to open the door, revealing a snide-looking Daria and an indignant-looking Quinn.) Quinn: Mom! Dad! Daria is ruining my life, AGAIN! Jake (aside to Helen): I thought we'd escaped this for good. Daria: Sheesh. I come home to visit my dear little sister, and this is what I get? Quinn: Well, aren't you going to DO something? Helen: Oh, Quinn...(returns to the kitchen) Quinn: Mo-OM! Helen: Quinn, you and Daria are big girls now. Your father and I refuse to intervene in any more of your fights. Daria (to Quinn): You heard Mom. It's just you and me, fighting like adults now. Quinn: Argh! Don't talk to me, BRAIN! (She flounces off.) (Cut to the dinner table, where the whole family has gathered. Lasagna is, as always, the evening meal.) Helen: So, Daria, tell us a little about your job. (She gets up to clear the plates) Daria: Well, I usually perform autopsies upon extraterrestrial beings, and investigate occurrences of aliens, like cropcircles, that kind of thing. I'm still praying to be abducted. Jake: Sounds like fun, Daria. (Helen lifts Jake's plate from the table. They smile flirtatiously at one another again, and he slaps her playfully on the derriere) Quinn: DA-AD! Quit being so...LEWD! Daria: Been reading Webster's in your spare time, Quinn? Quinn: URGH! (She gets up and storms off. Helen and Jake look after her concernedly) Helen: Daria, dear, why don't you go see what's wrong with your sister? Daria (heaves a sigh): Fine. What I have to go through... (Cut to Quinn's old room, now a guest room. Quinn is flopped over on the bed, crying. Daria enters.) Daria: Hey, Quinn. Quinn: Go away! Daria: Don't worry. I'm not going to hug you or anything like that. Mom and Dad just sent me in here to make sure you weren't swallowing sleeping pills or something. Quinn: It's not fair! Daria: What's not fair? Quinn: You were such a geek in high school...and now, you're like this great person. Mom and Dad are always bragging to those geezer friends of theirs how you get to dissect E.T. and stuff like that. Daria: Quinn, Quinn, Quinn. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this after that time I talked you out of plastic surgery... Quinn: Oh, yeah, I got the nose job. Like it? Daria (sighs): Lovely. Like I was going to say, there's nothing wrong with you. So you're a little less academic and a little more...clothes conscious than me. That doesn't make you bad or stupid. Quinn: No? Daria: No. Are you convinced now? Because I'd like to end this moralistic pep talk now. I feel dirty. Like some wholesome TV character. Quinn: I guess. We don't have to hug now, do we? Daria: No way. (Cut to a plane, where Jane and Daria are flying back to New York) Jane: So you guys are out of your adolescent bickering phase? Daria: Not exactly. Jane: Well, my weekend was interesting. I went to a sushi bar with my parents. Daria: Really. Jane: Yup. Fish was tainted, my dad got his stomach pumped. Fun. Daria: Well, I'm not up for any excitement tonight. I've got a five 'o' clock flight tomorrow. Jane: Um, Daria, I know I should have mentioned this before, but... Daria (groans): What? Jane: Trent's picking us up at the airport...and he's spending the night. Daria: Wonderful. (Cut to Trent's car, which is a Volkswagen Bus. Jane and Daria are in the back) Daria: Nice wheels. When'd you get them? Trent: After you left. Daria: Oh. Jane (aside to Daria): It's called the Daria Roadster. (Daria makes a face) (Cut to Jane's apartment. Daria is out on the balcony. Trent steps outside to join her) Trent: Hey, Daria. Daria (uneasily): Hey. Trent: Chill, Daria. I'm not, like, going to try and knock you off the building like in that Stabbing Westward video. Daria: I didn't think you were. Trent: How's your job? Daria: (thinking, Go ahead, do it. Cower at my feet.) Pretty cool. Trent: Daria...is there any way... Daria: No, Trent. Trent: Why? Daria: I guess it wasn't meant to be. Trent: You're still thinking of that one night in the kitchen. Daria: I think it would come as a shock to any young fiancee, finding out that her significant other had done time, sold himself, and to top it all off, had gotten her a really cheap engagement ring. Trent: I know, I know. I screwed up. But I'm changed now. I'm enlightened. Daria: You've been reading Jane's book? Trent: Huh? Daria: Nothing. Look, Trent, we've got completely different lives now. Let's go on with them. Trent: Okay. But how about one more kiss...for old times' sake? Daria (sighs): All right. (They lean toward each other. Cut to Daria sitting up in her sleeping bag, wide-eyed and breathing heavily. She spots an empty pork-rind bag on the floor) Daria: Damn you! (She picks it up and throws it) Jane! Jane! Jane (sleepily): What? Daria: I am NEVER doing this again! THE END