(Daria and Jane are standing in front of three moving bands of scenes from the series; this will be their backdrop throughout the show)
Daria - Hello. I am beloved on-air personality Daria Morgendorffer.
Jane - Et Jane Lane, c'est moi.
Daria - Your hosts for a fascinating Daria retrospective we call "Look Back In Annoyance."
Jane - Five years' worth of special moments from a special series. A journey to places found not on the globe, but on a map of the human heart.
Daria - In other words, a cheap-ass clip show.
("Esteemsters" title screen)
Jane (VO) - Daria premiered on March 3, 1997, proving conclusively that no one in programming was paying attention.
Daria (VO) - Viewers met Quinn, Jake, and yours truly in the very first scene, as Dad and I exchanged the series' inaugural gag.
(Jake is driving to school; Quinn is riding shotgun, Daria is in the back seat)
Jake - Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Daria, right?
Daria - Did we move?
Jane (VO) - Quinn immediately encountered Stacy and Sandi.
(Quinn exits the car, and is immediately noticed by the other students)
Stacy - Hi! You're cool. What's your name?
Quinn - Quinn Morgendorffer.
Sandi - Cool name.
Daria (VO) - Later on, my mom, Helen, gave a pep talk.
(Helen and Daria are seated at the kitchen table)
Helen - We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful and you just... don't... get it! (slams fists on table) What's wrong with you?!
Jane (VO) - Mr. DeMartino established his even temper right off the bat.
(in Mr. DeMartino's class)
(Daria slowly raises her hand)
Mr. DeMartino - Daria, stop showing off!
Daria (VO) - Then there was the voice of authority, Mr. O'Neill...
(in Mr. O'Neill's self-esteem workshop)
Mr. O'Neill - Look, just let me get through this part, okay? Then there'll be a video!
Jane (VO) - ...dedicated educator Ms. Li...
(Ms. Li stands at the podium on the school auditorium stage)
Ms. Li - In a related note, the school nurse will be visiting homerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples.
Daria (VO) - ...and those low-I.Q. lovebirds, Kevin and Brittany.
(in Mr. DeMartino's class)
Brittany - Uh... the Viet Cong War?
Kevin - Uh... Operation Watergate?
Jane - Ahem. Did you forget someone?
Daria - Oh, yeah, episode one's also where I met my pal here, Jane Lane, and we immediately knew we were on the same wavelength.
(Daria and Jane are walking down the street; they suddenly stop)
Both - Nocturnal emissions.
Jane (VO) - In episode two, "The Invitation," Mack and Jodie made their debut.
(Brittany, Jodie, and Mack are standing in a room with a gaudy jungle decor and giant ceramic tigers)
Brittany - How do you like my house?
Jodie - Uh, it's quite... coordinated.
Mack - And the ceramic tigers, they're grrrreat!
Jane (VO) - We also met "Casanova lite," Charles Ruttheimer III...
(Daria, Jane, and Quinn are standing on the road by the main gate when Charles pulls up in his car)
Upchuck - You ladies in need of a knight in shining armor?
Daria - Can we just take the armor and ditch the knight?
Daria (VO) - ...and the not-yet-permanently-voiced Tiffany.
(Tiffany is standing next to Sandi and the "popular girl")
Tiffany - But what's with that girl with the glasses?
Jane (VO) - We also got to meet a member of my family.
Daria (VO) - Which meant I got to act like a dork.
(Daria and Jane get out of Trent's car)
Trent - Don't do anything I wouldn't.
Daria - Bye.
(Trent drives away as they begin walking towards the main gate)
Jane - Nice conversational skills.
Daria - I hate you.
Daria - I was a little less sure of myself in those days.
Jane - That was before she dated four of the five members of N'Sync.
Daria - No one's supposed to know that! My girl-next-door image!
Jane - Oops. Um, speaking of siblings, let's take a look at the warm relationship between Daria and Quinn. Innocent, inexperienced Daria and Quinn.
Daria - I'm going to tell them about you and Vince Neil.
Jane - Shh!
("Esteemsters" - a boy is talking to Quinn as Daria and Jane enter the self-esteem workshop)
Boy - So, you got any brothers or sisters?
Quinn - I'm an only child.
("The Invitation" - Daria is standing next to Jane and "Bobby Big-Head")
Daria - Yoo-hoo! Sis! (waves to Quinn)
(Quinn hides behind ceramic tiger)
("Too Cute" - Sandi stands next to Brooke in the school hallway)
Sandi - Hello? Quinn's cousin or something? (waves to Daria)
("Just Add Water" - the Fashion Club surrounds Daria and Jane, who are snoozing on deck chairs)
Sandi - Excuse me, Quinn's visiting exchange student or whatever?
("See Jane Run" - Quinn hands Daria a stack of magazines in the library)
Quinn - Uh, librarian... could you return these magazines for me?
("Fire!" - Quinn kneels on the hotel bed as Daria walks away)
Quinn (into phone) - No, that was the maid. I think she got into the mini-bar.
Jane (VO) - I did detect a softening of your relationship over the years.
Daria (VO) - Sure, the way a banana softens before it goes completely bad.
("The Misery Chick" - in Daria's room)
Quinn - Daria, can I talk to you... about the dead guy?
("Lucky Strike" - in Daria's room)
Daria - Hey, why should you go out of your way to protect the stupid? You're not one of them!
("Speedtrapped" - in the Lexus, driving home)
Daria - That was nice, what you said. That we make a good team.
("Is It Fall Yet?" - Quinn is crying in Daria's room after David, her tutor, has turned her down)
Daria - Quinn, you're, um, not as superficial as you act. I'm sure you just feel obliged to stress the moronic aspects of your personality so you'll fit in better with the fashion drones. Like a mask you wear 'cause you think they wouldn't like the real you.
Quinn - You mean sort of the way you keep people away by being really unfriendly and stuff?
Daria - Hey, we're talking about you here.
Jane (VO) - And then finally came the momentous day when Quinn accepted her heritage.
Daria (VO) - What, she became a Jedi Knight?
("Lucky Strike" - Quinn speaking to Fashion Club in back of class)
Quinn - Besides, why shouldn't I act sisterly towards her? After all... (she looks right at Daria) ...she's my sister.
Sandi - Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!
Stacy - Well, um, of course she is, Sandi. We knew that.
Tiffany - We were just being polite about it.
Jane - It's hard to believe you two are from the same household.
Daria - Or the same species.
Jane - Perhaps the clues to your aberrant interaction paradigm with your sister can be found by observing your overall family dynamic.
Daria - Huh?
Jane - Let's watch your folks go wacko.
("Sappy Anniversary" - Jake has just botched a presentation at Buzzdome.com)
Jake - Damn computer! It ate everything! Big, fat, smug, damn, stupid, crappy piece of crappy crap!
("One J at a Time" - Jake carries a bowl into the kitchen while talking to Helen)
Jake - Damn foreign-language cookbooks.
("Fat Like Me" - Jake sets his hamburger down on the kitchen table, with Daria looking on)
Jake - Damn gastroenterological disorders!
("Camp Fear" - Jake is digging in the garbage disposal with salad tongs)
Jake - Damn salad tongs!
("I Don't" - Jake and a tipsy Helen are at Erin and Brian's wedding reception; Helen is draining a glass of wine)
Jake - Honey, maybe we ought to think about getting back.
Helen (drunkenly) - No... my little party's just beginning!
("Of Human Bonding" - Jake and Daria are seated on a sofa; he's just regailed Daria with yet another story about his father, "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer)
Jake - Merry Christmas, Dad... in hell!
("Fire!" - Helen is in bed as Jake starts shouting that the house is on fire)
Helen (into phone) - Oh, my God! Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back. No, I don't know when. No, you can't hold!
("Quinn the Brain" - Jake and Helen are in the kitchen discussing Quinn's grades and effective parenting techniques)
Jake - Do I get a tambourine or something?
("Partner's Complaint" - Helen is on the phone while Daria and Jodie work on their class assignment in the living room)
Helen (into phone) - No, no, absolutely not. It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it.
("One J at a Time" - Jake has his head in the refrigerator and his swaying butt in the air)
Jake (squeaky voice) - Give me cheese! I want cheese!
("Psycho Therapy" - Jake and Helen are doing a role-reversal exercise)
Jake (imitating Helen on phone) - Oh, hiiii, Eric! No, just walked in. Thought I'd make dinner for my... what? You have a hangnail?! I'll be right over!
Helen (imitating Jake, ranting and pounding fists on table) - Damn it, I lost another client! I can't understand why, damn it! (whining) Nobody likes poor, old Jake. Should I think about the reasons? Oh, must be my father's fault. (back to rant) Where's the newspaper, damn it?! (leans over as if asleep and imitates snoring)
("Ill" - Daria, Helen, and Jake in kitchen)
Daria (mumbling) - Thanks for being there for me. (leaves)
Jake - Did she just say...?
Helen - Jake, don't spoil the moment.
Jane - Aw, that one was sweet.
Daria - Please. When we return: a look at catch phrases, love-sick gazes and...
Jane - Awkward phases?
Daria - You can pretty much count on that.
Jane - Bandleader, play us out to commercial.
Daria - What bandleader?
("The Story of D" - Jake sticks his head out of the bedroom door as Daria walks past)
Jake - I found my old song lyrics! Here, I'll sing them for you. (disappears into the bedroom) Get ready to hear some dope beats!
("Ill" - Mystik Spiral is playing at the Zon)
Trent and Jesse (singing) - Ow, my nose! Ow, my face!
("Malled" - Doodad Store employees surround a confused Daria, who is their 10,000th customer)
Employees (singing) - When you're feeling bad or mad or sad, buy a doodad!
("Depth Takes a Holiday" - the Holidays, featuring Trent, performing at the Holiday Island High School prom)
Guy Fawkes Day (singing) - I'm a teen holiday and it sucks! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks!
("Esteemsters" - the "singing goofs in animal suits" try to entice the Morgendorffers to sing along)
Animal Singers (singing) - Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... row, row, row your boat... merrily, merrily... gently... row...
Jane - Welcome back to "Look Back In Annoyance," the Daria retrospective four or five of you have been waiting for.
Daria - Having met my family in the last segment, you might wonder why I choose to return every night to what Freudians refer to as "a bughouse fulla freaks."
Jane - Could it be 'cause the people you spend your days with make your family seem normal?
Daria - Astonishing, Holmes. Let's illustrate with a look inside the hallowed halls of Lawndale High.
Jane - Did you mean Holmes like Sherlock or homes like "yo, yo, yo, what up, homes?"
("Antisocial Climbers" - Mr. DeMartino is guiding students onto buses for the mountain camp-out)
Mr. DeMartino - Good morning, students. Please be so gracious as to haul your milk-fed buttocks onto the bus.
("Fizz Ed" - Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill are outside on the bleachers discussing the budget crisis)
Ms. Li - Do you have any idea what a satellite transmission jammer costs these days?
("Malled" - Mrs. Bennett is standing in front of a store window at the Mall of the Millennium)
Mrs. Bennett - The Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bit Shop! Herbert and I collect Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits!
("Jake of Hearts" - Daria has just criticized Ms. Li's allowing the Z-93 morning show to be broadcast from the school campus in exchange for a fee)
Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, those bomb-sniffing dogs have to eat.
("The Lawndale File" - Mr. O'Neill outside in front of students, standing at a microphone, wearing a black trench coat and putting on a fake beard)
Mr. O'Neill - So, without further ado... I present to you a work in progress. A solo performance I call "Nothing to Lose But His Chains: The Life of Karl Marx." The year is 1848.
(turns on tape player, from which the unmistakable sound of an aerobics instructor emerges)
Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear... that's my exercise tape. (laughs)
("Lucky Strike" - Mr. DeMartino is exulting in his victory over Ms. Li in the teacher's strike)
Mr. DeMartino - And if I can do that, I can do anything!
("The Lab Brat" - Daria has just finished her report on her science project; her barely-a-partner, Kevin, is posturing in the background)
Ms. Barch - Excellent job, Daria. You get an A.
Kevin - All right!
Ms. Barch - Not you, you man! You get a D.
Kevin - All right!
("Lucky Strike" - teachers are picketing as Mr. O'Neill tries to come up with a strike song; he starts playing "On Top of Ol' Smokey")
Mr. O'Neill (singing) - On top of our paychecks, right under the date...
("Fizz Ed" - Ms. Li has gone into total caffeine-induced meltdown, running through the halls and smashing open Ultra Cola machines with a fire axe)
Ms. Li - Must drink soda, soda from machines. Everybody gather round the pretty machines.
(she smashes open another machine as kids yell and cheer)
Jane (VO) - And the teachers aren't the only ones who've inhaled too much chalk dust.
Daria (VO) - Yes. What about the children?
("Arts 'N Crass" - Brittany is showing her poster to Ms. Defoe)
Brittany - I call it "Don't Drink or Take Drugs." And the message is, "don't drink or take drugs."
("Lucky Strike" - Daria and the students are reading from Romeo and Juliet)
Jeffy - What does "woe" mean?
Daria - It's like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were preempted by Antiques Roadshow.
Joey - Whoa!
("Antisocial Climbers" - in Mr. DeMartino's class)
Kevin - Darwin's the monkey guy, right? I like monkeys!
("It Happened One Nut" - Daria is in a peer counseling session... with Tiffany as the instructor!)
Tiffany (reading very slowly) - "You... too... can learn to... make..."
Daria - Yes?
Tiffany - "...friends."
("Quinn the Brain" - Daria has just dropped her head on top of a pile of books in her locker)
Daria - Do me a favor, will you?
Jane - Yeah?
Daria - Close my locker.
Jane - Well. Lighthearted frivolity is all well and good, but let's get to the gripping interpersonal relationship stuff, huh?
Daria - You mean the soap opera crap?
Jane - Bingo. How do some special Daria-Trent moments sound to you?
(Daria starts grumbling)
Jane - Glad you're on board.
("Road Worrier" - Daria and Jane are down in the Lane basement as Trent and Jesse are rehearsing)
Trent - Hey, Daria.
Daria - (thinking) Can't speak... must... speak... (out loud) Hey.
("Road Worrier" - Daria and Trent are sitting on the side of the road, waiting for Jane and Jesse to return)
Trent - You know, Daria, sometimes it's hard to believe you're in high school.
Daria - I find the situation unbelievable myself.
Trent - You're pretty cool.
Daria - Thanks. (smiles)
("Ill" - Trent and Jane are standing at the Morgendorffer's front door)
Trent - Hey, Daria. (he, along with Jane, registers surprise as Daria's rash returns at lighting speed)
Daria - What?
("Pierce Me" - Daria is on Axl's table, scared and nervous as hell; Trent holds out his hand to her in an attempt to help her relax)
Daria - What's that?
Trent - That's my hand. Give me yours. (beat) It's pretty clean, Daria.
Daria - No, I, um... sorry. (takes his hand)
("Jane's Addition" - Daria and Trent are at the pizza place, talking about the botched multimedia presentation)
Trent - Maybe we just have different ideas about what a commitment is.
Daria - I suppose we do.
Trent - I guess it wasn't such a great idea for us to get together... on this.
Daria - No, I guess there was no way it could have worked out.
Trent - All right, then, Daria. See you around. (gives Daria a peck on the cheek and leaves)
Daria - See ya.
Jane - Of course, we all know Daria's love life didn't stop there.
Daria (rolls eyes) - Oh, boy, here it comes.
Jane - First my brother, then my boyfriend.
Daria - I just thank God you don't have a dog.
Jane - Let's watch the sordid story unfold.
("Jane's Addition" - Jane and Daria are standing in the Zon as Tom, across the room, lowers his glass and gazes at Jane)
Jane - That guy keeps looking at me.
(later... Jane and Tom talking)
Tom - You like convertibles?
Jane - Sofas?
Tom - Cars.
Jane - Why, you got one?
Tom - Um, no... but the roof of my car is rusting through.
("Dye! Dye! My Darling" - Daria walks into Jane's room, interrupting a smooching session between Jane and Tom)
Daria - Oh!
(Jane and Tom separate)
Tom - Oops.
Jane - Oy.
("I Loathe a Parade" - Jane and Daria are standing on the sidewalk, Jane with a camera and Daria with a grocery bag containing toilet paper)
Jane - Where the hell is Tom?
Daria - Just because he's a few minutes late doesn't mean he's an inconsiderate jerk who will ultimately bring you nothing but misery.
Jane - I'm glad you're starting to warm to him.
(Daria and Tom standing on the sidewalk)
Tom - Wait a minute... was that a smile I just saw?
Daria - A twitch. More of a tic, really.
Tom - I knew you were having fun.
("Fire!" - Daria and Tom are talking in Penny's room)
Tom - Hey, did you know Stalin had Trotsky killed with an ice pick to the skull?
Daria - Good thing they didn't put him in a glass coffin.
(both laugh as Jane enters the room, looking upset)
Jane - There you are. I was just about to call your house to see where you were.
("Dye! Dye! My Darling" - Daria and Jane are talking in Jane's living room after the disastrous hair striping incident)
Jane - And you've never... made out or anything?
Daria - Come on!
Jane - I know! I'm sorry!
Daria - Can you picture me making out with anyone? Ever?
(cut to Daria and Tom in his car, kissing; after a moment of enjoyment, her eyes fly open and she pulls away)
Daria - Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Tom - I liked it, too.
(they kiss again)
Jane - You vixen, you!
Daria - I can't help it. It's my allure. Come on, let me off the hook and let's look at some other Lawndale lovebirds.
Jane - Okay. (beat) But stay the hell away from Vince Neil.
("Partner's Complaint" - Kevin and Brittany enter the pizza place)
Brittany - Let's never ever fight again, okay? We shan't let anything mar our love.
Kevin - Aw, babe, you're so hot.
("The Daria Hunter" - Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch in a tent as it rains outside)
Mr. O'Neill - Because what good is signing a prenuptial agreement with another, if we don't first sign one with ourself?
Ms. Barch - I never thought it possible. You're sensitive, yet you're a male.
Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well...
(Ms. Barch suddenly leaps on top of Mr. O'Neill, and they begin some serious making out)
("Antisocial Climbers" - Helen speaks to Jake as he tries to read a cereal box)
Helen - I've been seeing an intimacy counselor to promote growth and togetherness in our relationship. It was just easier to schedule if I went alone. I'll fill you in.
("I Don't" - Kevin and Mack are walking through the bridal expo; they pass a booth where a used car salesman-type is selling wedding rings)
Salesman - Hey, fellas... just want you to know we welcome same-sex partners. What you do with the ring is your business.
(Mack and Kevin look shocked)
("Partner's Complaint" - Quinn is on the phone while Daria and Jodie work on their class assignment in the living room)
Quinn (into phone) - That's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye.
("Antisocial Climbers" - Helen and Jake are in a mountain cabin)
Jake - Hey, look, Helen. (sexy voice) A bearskin rug.
Helen - Bearskin? Me-ow! (runs out of shot, clearly intending to disrobe)
Jake - Woof! (runs after her)
(hissing, barking and howling is heard as, presumably, Helen and Jake "put some spice back into their marriage")
("This Year's Model" - Claude and Romonica watch as the Fashion Club and several other girls rub the chests of several boys)
Claude (VO) - Now, girls, I want you to rub your hands over those virile young chests. You want them, they want you.
("I Don't" - Mack and Jodie are walking through the bridal expo)
Jodie - If I see one more sweet, dopey girl stuck with a lame-brained idiot...
(as if on cue, here come Kevin and Brittany, holding a ridiculously large bouquet of flowers)
Kevin and Brittany - Hi!
Jane - Memorable moments, all of them. And speaking of memorable lines...
Daria - No highlight show is complete without a montage of repetitive catch phrases.
Jane - Repetitive catch phrases.
Daria - Echolalia.
("I Don't" - Kevin in bleachers after spilling his drink on himself)
Kevin - Aw, man!
("Too Cute" - Kevin, in "ugly face," after being totally ignored)
Kevin - Aw, man...
("The Misery Chick" - Kevin and Mack with Tommy Sherman)
Kevin - I'm the QB.
("Jane's Addition" - Kevin after finishing his multimedia presentation)
Kevin - I was the QB.
("The Invitation" - Kevin and Mack in front of lockers)
Kevin - Yo, Mack Daddy.
Mack - Don't call me that, okay?
("See Jane Run" - Kevin and Mack in front of lockers)
Mack - I've told you a million times, don't call me that!
("Murder, She Snored" - Kevin has just been poisoned)
Kevin - Et tu, Mack Daddy?
Mack - I told you not to call me that! (swings golf club)
("Prize Fighters" - Upchuck running up behind Daria)
Upchuck - Feisty lady!
("The Invitation" - Upchuck, Jane, and Daria at the chip bowls)
Upchuck - Feisty!
("Malled" - Upchuck in the focus group room)
Upchuck - Feisty!
("Fair Enough" - Upchuck in court jester costume)
Upchuck - Feisty!
("Murder, She Snored" - Upchuck's feet are being massaged by Andrea in the Charlie's Angels sequence)
Upchuck - Feisty!
("I Loathe a Parade" - Upchuck driving his "Love Machine" in the parade)
Upchuck - Feisty!
("That Was Then, This is Dumb" - Upchuck at flea market both with Jane and Jesse)
("My Night at Daria's" - Upchuck at pizza place, holding a soda cup)
("I Loathe a Parade" - Upchuck stands in front of his car, hood up, with two female police offers glowering at him)
Upchuck - (growls) Feisty!
(one of the officers restrains him while the other starts whacking him with her nightstick)
("The Misery Chick" - Daria and Trent at the Lane front door)
(Trent laughs, then coughs)
("Is It Fall Yet?" - Trent driving the Tank while the rest of the band snoozes in the back)
(Trent laughs, then coughs)
("Fair Enough" - Brittany in Lawndale High auditorium, reacting to the news that Kevin and Quinn will be in the play)
Brittany - Eep!
("The Lawndale File" - Daria, sitting on Jane's bed, reacts to the sound of the doorbell)
Daria - Eep!
("The F Word" - Mr. O'Neill and Mr. DeMartino in their respective hotel room beds)
Mr. O'Neill - Eep!
Mr. DeMartino - Aah!
("Fizz Ed" - Ms. Li and Mrs. Bennett in the office, the former pacing and the latter sitting and drinking Ultra Cola)
Mrs. Bennett - Eep!
("Is It Fall Yet?" - Brittany notices her green hair, courtesy of the pool's chlorine)
Brittany - Eep!
("Is It Fall Yet?" - Kevin rapidly turns to keep the wall map in Mr. DeMartino's room from falling)
Kevin - Eep!
("Too Cute" - Upchuck gingerly holds one of Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations)
Upchuck - Brrrrr... (shivers as he quickly gets the willies)
("The Old and the Beautiful" - Quinn discovers Daria's jacket in her closet)
Quinn - Aaaah!
("The F Word" - Daria sits in Jane's room as Jane appears dressed "normal")
Daria - (shocked) Aaaah!
("One J at a Time" - Jake falls backward as squirrel runs from tipped garbage can)
Jake - Gaaah!
("Is It Fall Yet?" - Mr. DeMartino, at a table with campers, gets his fingers tangled in a lanyard)
Mr. DeMartino - Aaaah...! Lanyards suck! (throws lanyard on table)
("Is It Fall Yet?" - Fashion Club in school hallway)
Ms. Li (over PA) - Show your Lawndale High spirit with the gift of urine.
Fashion Club - Ewwww...!
("Arts 'N Crass" - Mr. O'Neill reacts to the poem on Daria and Jane's poster)
Mr. O'Neill - Eww.
("Fire!" - Fashion Club on lounge chairs around the hotel pool)
Stacy - Eww.
("Lane Miserables" - Jake and Helen at front door; Trent has just handed Jake his toothbrush)
Jake - Ewwww...
("I Loathe a Parade" - Fashion Club has just gotten covered with exhaust soot and fumes)
Fashion Club - Ewwww...!
Jane - After this break, Fashion Club scenes and fantastic dreams. (to Daria) Do we have time for a snack? My stomach's grumbling.
Daria - So's my very nature.
("Aunt Nauseam" - Helen stands next to Jake, who is sitting on the sofa and holding a flat cake)
Jake (meekly) - Johnnycake?
("That Was Then, This is Dumb" - Helen tosses Willow a bag from the freezer)
Helen - Sister... meet the frozen bagel.
("Prize Fighters" - Jake reading from a cookbook)
Jake - How does hot dog jalapeño hotties sound for tonight?
("The Lost Girls" - Daria has just had a taste of Jake's chili)
Daria - Chili con... cheese puff?
("Through A Lens Darkly" - at the pizza place, Daria has just explained to Jane her reasoning for prefering glasses to contact lenses)
Jane - You're a twisted little cruller, ain't ya?
("I Don't" - Kevin explains his logic for him and Mack attending the bridal expo, even though Brittany and Jodie don't want them to)
Kevin - Forbidden fruit, man... forbidden fruit.
Daria - Welcome back to the home stretch of the Daria retrospective, "Look Back In Annoyance."
Jane - Can anything compare with the friendships formed by a tight-knit group of teenage girls?
Daria - Other than the friendships formed by a tankful of starving piranhas, I can't think of a thing.
Jane - They're not starving piranhas, Daria, they're dieting.
Daria - My mistake. Let's all grab a body-flaw-correcting swimsuit and dive into the tank with the Fashion Club.
("Road Worrier" - the Fashion Club and company standing at the door of Mom's Diner, taking in the diner's clientele)
Tiffany - Uck. Stretch pants. Everywhere, stretch pants.
Stacy - Hey, these are stretch pants! I'm wearing stretch pants!
(Stacy starts hyperventilating; Sandi grabs her by the arms to calm her down)
Sandi - They're leggings! They're... leggings. It's all right.
(Stacy gives a high-pitched sigh of relief)
("The New Kid" - Fashion Club at cafeteria table)
Sandi - As president of the Fashion Club, I can be kind of intimidating.
Quinn - Oh, you're definitely scary, Sandi.
("Fair Enough" - Sandi and Tiffany, at the pie booth, listen to Stacy crying about a guy not calling her back; all are in period costume)
Tiffany - He's not worth it. No guy is.
Stacy (tearfully) - Thanks, guys. Oh, it's so great to know I can count on my true friends.
Tiffany - So then... he's not dating anyone now?
(Stacy starts crying again)
("Too Cute" - Brooke has just explained how a person's butt holds enough fat to keep your lips luscious for decades)
Tiffany - God works in mysterious ways.
("Fat Like Me" - Quinn, dressed in yellow sweats, is coaching Sandi at the swimming pool)
Quinn - Beauty never rests. (shakes fist) Now swim, you cow, swim!
Sandi (indignant) - What?
Quinn - Sorry... coach talk.
Jane - Truly inspirational.
Daria - Yes. I'm inspired to puke.
Jane - I've got a better idea. Let's take a break from reality and step through the looking glass into a magical world of wonder.
Daria - Magical world of wonder? I thought we were doing our montage of idiotic fantasies.
Jane - Hey, we're gonna be out of work soon. I'm trying to get a job with Disney.
("College Bored" - Quinn's fantasy about her college roommates: a muscular guy in a towel, a preppie, and a cowboy)
Towel Guy - Hey, this must be the new roommate. Guys.
Preppie - Excellent. The new roommate.
Cowboy - Howdy, roomie.
("Depth Takes a Holiday" - Cupid is floating outside Daria's window, holding onto St. Patrick's Day)
St. Patrick's Day - Oh, shut up, you bloody... (Cupid drops him) ...idiot!
(Daria leans out the window to look)
("Daria!" - faculty and students are singing about the hurricane in the school gymnasium)
Upchuck (singing) - But what if, what if, what if the town blew away?
Kevin (singing) - Where would the football players play?
Fashion Club (singing) - Where would we go to shop all day?
Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Bennett (singing) - Would we still get three months off with pay?
Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch (singing) - If the town blew away?
("Write Where it Hurts" - Three J's, on horseback, approach Daria and Quinn in Daria's Sense and Sensability spoof)
Joey - Miss Quinn, may I get you a bracing spot of tea?
Jeffy - Do you need a powder to cure the vapors?
Jamie - I'll tune your pianoforté.
("Legends of the Mall" - Mr. DeMartino, as Metalmouth, in shop class)
Metalmouth - Would anyone care to see my new teeth in action? (takes a huge bite out of the door)
("Daria!" - Daria, Jane, Kevin, and Brittany singing and dancing on the school roof)
All (singing) - The big, wet rainstorm's over!
("Legends of the Mall" - the Morgendorffers as a '50s family in the "House of Bad Grades" story; Jake is showing off his new bomb shelter)
Jake - How do you like the shelter, kids?
Quinn - Daddy, it's swell!
("Sappy Anniversary" - Daria's daydream: she and Tom are in a dull, grey room, and she's a reclining chair)
Tom - She's the perfect companion piece. No muss, no fuss. She offers the very best in lumbar support and durability. (sits down and leans back)
Tom - Dating doesn't get any easier than this.
("Through A Lens Darkly" - Daria's hall of mirrors nightmare)
(as her glasses-less image becomes distored and horrific, Daria wakes up with a gasp)
("Write Where it Hurts" - Jodie as a witch, Mack as a knight on horseback)
Jodie - Have you my payment? The tender liver of a newborn babe?
Mack - I'm little short on livers. Tell you what... (pulls out cards and fans them) ...play you a quick game of five-card stud for it.
Jodie - Jacks are wild.
("Ill" - Daria's dream: she's in heaven with Mrs. Sullivan, and heaven is populated with slackers and losers)
Guy - This is heaven, sweetheart. What would we want with a brain?
Daria - I don't...
Mrs. Sullivan - Mmm... sorry.
(a thunderclap sounds and Daria drops, screaming, through a hole in the clouds towards a firey light)
("Write Where it Hurts" - Daria's future story: an elderly Helen and a grown-up Quinn, baby in tow, sit at the kitchen table)
Helen - How are you, Quinn?
Quinn - Oh, you know, another day, another baby.
("Lucky Strike" - Daria sits in Ms. Li's office, with Devil Daria and Angel Daria on either side of her head)
Devil Daria - Hey, you hungry?
Angel Daria - Yeah. We can pick this up later.
(both disappear in small puffs)
("The F Word" - Jane's daydream: she's a popular cheerleader)
Kevin - Way to go, babe.
Jane - Thanks, babe.
(Kevin sweeps her into his arms and they kiss)
("Lane Miserables" - Daria's daydream: she's married to a middle-aged, pot-bellied, unemployed Trent)
Daria - Oh, Trent. Whatever happened to the man I married?
Trent - We never got married, remember? I overslept.
Jane - See what happens when you let your imagination run wild?
Daria - From now on, my imagination's under curfew.
Jane - Oh, Daria, how do you come up with your clever one-liners?
Daria - I start out with clever two-liners and then I cut them in half.
Jane - Let's take a look at some of Daria's vintage wisecracks. The show wouldn't be the same without them.
Daria - No. It would be shorter.
Jane - All right already. Yeesh!
("Esteemsters" - Daria and family at the kitchen table)
Daria - I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.
Jake - I'll say.
Daria - I have low esteem for everyone else.
("I Don't" - Daria and Quinn are about to meet the other bridesmaids)
Daria - We are now entering hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.
("Write Where it Hurts" - Helen and Daria at the kitchen table, Daria reading Gardner's On Moral Fiction)
Helen - Daria, do you have to look at everything in such a negative light?
Daria - Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality?
("Mart of Darkness" - Jane and Daria are wandering the isles, with Jane realizing she was totally in the wrong regarding Tom and the gummi bear incident)
Jane - I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?
Daria - I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.
("The F Word" - Daria and Jane in school hallway)
Jane - Maybe you should try failing at not being sarcastic.
Daria - (sarcastic) Yeah, that's a good idea.
("I Loathe a Parade" - on the sidewalk next to the parade, the Lawndale High mascot staggers and struggles with his costume head)
Mascot - My head's too big!
Daria - That's 'cause it's so full of dreams.
("Monster" - Jake removes a tape from the VCR as Quinn and Daria watch)
Jake - Isn't it great to sit here and see your whole life unfold before your eyes?
Daria - It's almost as good as drowning.
Jane - Wow. Well, I think that's just about enough wallowing in the past.
Daria - Let's wallow in the future with a sneak peek at our new Daria movie, "Is It College Yet?"
Jane - Debuting January 21st at 8 P.M. Eastern and featuring the premiere of a brand-new video by Garbage. Now sit back, relax, and for God's sake, don't blink.
Daria - Spoiler alert!
(instrumental version of "Is It College Yet?" theme plays over a montage of scenes from the movie)
- Daria, Tom and Kay at Bromwell
- Daria and Tom playing video game
- Kevin and Brittany at pizza place
- Quinn and Lindy at Lindy's party
- Jane welding sculpture in her room
- Ms. Barch stalking into room toward Mr. O'Neill
- Helen in Morgendorffer living room
- Mr. DeMartino looking shocked and eye bugging out
- Andrew Landon raising eyebrows
- Jane pulling Daria along by the arm past vegetation
- Daria with Admissions officer at Bromwell
- Lindy and black-haired girl laughing at Governor's Park
- Stacy in front of lockers, looking surprised
- Daria in Admissions office, looking worried
- Upchuck raising hand to ear
- Students in school hallway, throwing papers into the air
- Split screen, Tom typing at computer and talking on phone with Daria, sitting on her bed
- Mack and Jodie kissing and Ms. Barch walking in on them
- Jake reading a pamphlet
- Former Fashion Club in group hug
- Jake hugs Daria while Helen sits nearby
- Mr. O'Neill and Mr. DeMartino hug and cry
- Scene from Lindy's party
- Trent giving keys to Jane
- Stacy blowing out candle on birthday cake
- Tom, Daria and Kay in car
- Daria, Tom and Kay at breakfast at Bromwell as Professor Woods walks up
- Daria and Quinn sitting on sofa
- Mr. DeMartino bashing head against football goalpost
- Daria and Tom at pizza place booth, Jane walking away
- Three J's in school hallway, talking
- Jane leaning on wooden rail, holding glass
- Daria sitting on steps at Jodie's party
- Daria looking out window of Kay's car at rain-soaked Raft campus
- Mack, Brittany and others in graduation robes, clapping
- Helen, Jake and Quinn sitting on bleachers at graduation
- Daria and Jane sitting in graduation robes
Daria - Well, there it is. Five years of laughs, tears and incredibly inexpensive animation boiled down to a single half hour.
Jane - With ten minutes to spare for commercials. (sarcastic) Thanks for the time, MTV.
Daria - And thank you, viewers, for sticking with us through it all. Now we've got to clear out and make room for something that better fits the schedule.
Jane - You know, "MTV Presents 'Kids Talking About Sex... During Sex!'"
Daria - So long, everybody.
Jane - Toodle-oo!
(screen fades to black, then Daria and Jane's heads reappear in two small circles)
Jane - I think we just blew our invites to the Video Music Awards.
Daria - We never get good seats anyway.
(fade out to end credits)