Written by Neena Beber
(Transcript created by Richard Lobinske)
(opening theme song)
(Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake, Daria and Quinn are preparing breakfast for themselves. Quinn pours a bowl of cereal while Daria opens a toaster pastry)
Quinn - Ugh, Sugar tarts? Haven't you ever heard the expression, "You eat what you are?"
Daria - Haven't you ever heard the expression, "Get the hell away from me?"
Jake - You want some milk, kiddo?
Daria - No, thanks. Read the warning label; contains tryptophane, highly relaxing, do not combine with high school.
(Jake scans milk carton)
Jake - I don't see that. (he pours milk into coffee) Does milk really relax you?
Daria - It's not quite as effective when diluted with three cups of coffee.
(Jake dumps his cup of coffee into the sink and drinks milk straight from the carton. Helen enters)
Helen - Good morning!
Quinn - Mom?
Helen - Who'd like a nice, hot breakfast, a la Helen?
Jake - Hot breakfast? Honey, you're not going through (drops voice) "the change," are you?
Helen - My seven AM meeting got cancelled, so I thought we could enjoy some extra family time. Daria, can I make you breakfast?
(Daria points to toaster)
Daria - Sure, push the lever.
Helen - Daria! Sugar tarts?
Daria - Hey, it's not my fault frozen burritos won't fit.
Helen - Jake, Quinn, can I get you anything?
Quinn - Actually, I saw these really cute zipper boots at Cashman's.
Helen - I meant, for breakfast.
Quinn - I could wear them during breakfast.
(Helen answers her cell phone)
Helen - Eric? What? When? How? Of course not, not a problem. (she turns off cell phone)
Jake - You know, now that you mention it honey, I could sure use one of your egg-white omelets. Yum!
(Helen grabs a drink from the refrigerator)
Helen - Jake, can't you ever think of anyone but yourself? I've got a huge emergency at the office. My seven o'clock's back on and I'm late!
Jake - What'd I do?
Daria - Damn, I'll have to make my own breakfast (she pushes down lever on toaster) Now, I'm too tired to eat.
(Helen's office. She is at her desk talking on the telephone and Marianne is at the door)
Helen - Absolutely. Consider it done. I'll stay here all night if I have to. We're just happy to be in business with you. Bye-bye. (she hangs up phone and speaks to Marianne) What is it?
Marianne - That Mr. O'Neill is on the line about the parent/teacher meeting. I need know which excuse to give.
(Helen examines various papers and clearly has little patience for the distraction)
Helen - Hmm. Tell him I have to do my pro bono work with the free clinic. We haven't used that one in a while. (pause) What? You think I'm a rotten mother?
Marianne - I would never say that, Helen.
Helen - But, you'd think it.
Marianne - Um...
Helen - What? Do you agree with me or don't you?
Marianne (nervous) - May I go to the bathroom?
(Eric walks up behind Marianne)
Eric - Of course you can! What kind of slave ship do you think we're running here?
(Eric laughs and crosses to Helen, who also laughs. Marianne forces a laugh and escapes)
Eric - Strange woman.
Helen - Oh, Eric. Did I tell you what a privilege it was to watch you in that meeting this morning? The way you just reeled off he tax code was riveting.
Eric - What can I say? You build a top law firm; you're bound to pick up a few tricks along the way.
Helen - Well, anything I can do to keep the firm number one, just let me know. I'm not afraid of a little hard work...or a lot.
Eric - I know you're not. That's what brings me in here today.
(He hands Helen a pamphlet entitled "Quiet Ivy. Renewal and Rejuvenation for the spirit and soul")
Helen - The retreat?
Eric - It's your turn, Helen. The big dogs think you're ready.
Helen - I don't know what to say. (reads pamphlet) The whole family?
Eric - We want to get a look at Helen Morgendorffer wearing all three hats; wife, mother, lawyer. And, what we see may just might lead to hat number four, partner.
Helen - I hate the way I look in hats. (forced laugh)
(Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake, Daria and Quinn are at the table while Helen, wearing oven mitts, brings over a foil baking pan and serves lasagna)
Quinn - A spa? Great, I need a facial so bad.
Daria (reading pamphlet) - Don't get excited. This says it's a spa for the soul. Didn't you sell yours a while back?
Jake - Who the hell is paying for this! Dammit, where's the milk?
Helen - Relax, Jake. The firm's paying.
Daria (reading) - We exercise your inside instead of your outside. Good, my pancreas could really use a workout.
Quinn - Eww! What good is exercising if you can't even see the results?
Helen - Quinn, this is about family togetherness. We get to have fun while I get to show I'm partner material.
(Helen hands Quinn a questionnaire)
Daria - I see; we're being graded on our family life. (she pretends to look at wristwatch) Gee, look at the time. 1984 all ready.
Helen - Oh, Daria, don't be silly.
(Helen sits and gives Daria a questionnaire)
Helen - Now, we have to fill out these questionnaires so I can fax them over. Isn't it nice they want to get to know us before we arrive?
Daria - Sure, so they'll know who to make into a drone and who just to kill outright.
Helen - Jake, I could use some help here.
(Jake is chugging milk from the carton. When he stops and looks at Helen, he has a broad milk mustache)
Jake - Ahh.
(Everyone stares at Jake)
Jake - What?
(Lane house, Jane's bedroom. Daria is seated on the bed reading from the questionnaire while Jane adjusts a webcam on her computer)
Daria - Which animal would you rather be; a dog, a seal or a lion?
Jane - How about a bat?
Daria - Bat's not an option.
Jane - Write it in.
Daria - Now explain your choice in a brief sentence.
Jane - I've always wanted to sleep upside-down and spread rabies.
Daria - Sounds more like it should go under "Career Goals," but all right.
(Jane switches the webcam on and her image appears on the computer monitor)
Jane - Okay world, meet Jane-Cam. All Jane, all the time. Well, except naked time.
(Monitor image pans to Daria)
Daria - You don't even like having your picture taken, and now you're going to have strangers all over the country observing your every move?
Jane - All over the world. It's a public service. If my mundane little life can somehow provide comfort to lonely web-trollers, then I'll know my time here on Earth wasn't wasted.
Daria - A noble cause. It suits you well.
Jane - And it requires practically no effort.
Daria - That's what I meant.
Jane - Beautiful. Now, remember to keep this our little secret. I don't want the camera to influence my guest's behavior.
(Daria walks away)
Jane - Daria?
(Jake's Lexus. Jake is driving and drinking milk, Helen is beside him reading a map and the girls in the back seat)
Helen - Jake! We're going to be late, please step it.
Jake (mellow) - What's the hurry? We've got plenty of time. Sit back and smell the roses.
Daria - Which happen to have an aroma very similar to gas fumes.
Helen - Sit back? Have you lost your mind?
Jake - Beautiful, beautiful tryptophane.
Daria - We'll score that, a yes.
Helen - Give me that!
(Helen tries to yank the milk from Jake, causing the car to swerve)
Quinn - Da-ad!
(Milk splashes on the windshield as Jake stops the car)
Jake - Dammit, Helen! What's the problem?
Helen - Get out! I'm driving! Thinking a little milk is going to calm you down? That's the problem! Of all the ridiculous ideas. (she's thoughtful for a moment before taking the milk) Give me that! (she drinks from the carton)
(The Morgendorffers arrive at Private Ivy. Living up to its name, the building's façade is covered with ivy. Three staff members in white lab coats are waiting for them)
Staff Member 1 - Now remember, no sudden movements.
(The car stops and two more staff members surround the car)
Daria - Uh-oh. Four flew into the cuckoo's nest.
(Helen steps out of the car, followed by the rest of the family)
Helen - Hello, I'm Helen Morgendorffer. This is my husband Jake and my daughters Quinn and Daria.
Staff Member 1 - Oh, so you're Daria.
Daria - You've heard of me?
Staff Member 2 - Daria, we have a very nice room for you. Do you like eggshell white?
Daria - Do you have anything in Jim Mack Gray?
Helen - Excuse me, what's going on here?
Staff Member 1 - We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire, and well, we're a little concerned.
(She hands a clipboard to Helen, who reads from it)
Helen - Favorite pastime: changing water into wine? (she scowls at Daria)
Daria - I knew I should've gone with the burning bush.
Staff Member 1 - We think it might be best if we put her under what we call, "Intensive Observation."
Quinn - It's about time.
Jake - Wait a minute, there's nothing wrong with Daria.
Quinn - Yeah, she's always like this.
Helen - Quinn! (to Staff Member 1) Our daughter has an eccentric sense of humor, but she's perfectly fine.
Daria - Don't listen to her, she's one of the Gamma People.
(Staff Member 1 addresses the other staff)
Staff Member 1 - Doctors, I think we got our hopes up. Better leave this one alone.
Staff Member 3 - Can't we at least sedate her?
Staff Member 1 - Sorry.
(She walks away, followed by the rest of the staff)
Daria - This is gonna be fun.
(Private Ivy. Daria is seated at a computer located within one of many small cubicles. She's watching Jane flossing her teeth on Jane-Cam)
Daria - A little wider; we can't see all your fillings.
(Jane stops as she remembers the camera)
Daria - Nice save.
(Jean-Michel Millepieds, a handsome young doctor, enters and looks over Daria's shoulder)
Jean-Michel - Hello, Daria. I'm your one-on-one counselor. Are you playing a game?
Daria - No, just talking to the computer.
(Jean-Michel takes pen from pocket and begins writing notes)
Jean-Michel - Do you always talk to your computer?
Daria - Only when the refrigerator's mad at me.
(Jean-Michel stops taking notes)
Jean-Michel - Ah. You know, Daria, we often use humor as a barrier to prevent others from trying to get too close.
Daria - It doesn't seem to be working on you, however.
Jean-Michel - What are you trying to hide?
Daria - Nothing. I love my mother very much and feel that she'd make an excellent law partner. (she stands and tries to exit) Oh, dear. I think I hear my ride.
Jean-Michel - Daria, why don't we have a nice talk?
(Dr. Bacon's office. She is seated behind a desk and Helen is seated in front of the desk)
Dr. Bacon - All right, Helen. I thought me might start off with a little word association. Red.
Helen - Blue.
Dr. Bacon - Pen.
Helen - Pencil.
Dr. Bacon - Mag...
Helen - Subscription.
Dr. Bacon - Mag...net.
Helen - Oh! Thought you were going to say magazine. Hmm. Magnet. Um, metal. No, wait! I can do better.
Dr. Bacon - Relax...
Helen - Relax? How can I relax when somebody says "relax" like that?
Dr. Bacon - No. Relaxation. It's one of the words.
Helen - Oh, um, waste of freaking time. Wait! Can I do that one over?
(Dr. Hinkel's office. Jake is reclining on a couch as Dr. Hinkel takes notes)
Jake - Isn't someone gonna talk here?
Dr. Hinkel - All right. How do you feel about being here?
Jake - Hey, it's not my nickel.
Dr. Hinkel - Would that be a problem?
Jake - Well, considering this is a work thing for my wife.
Dr. Hinkel - And, how does that make you feel?
Jake - How does what make me feel?
Dr. Hinkel - Being here, for your wife.
Jake - Fine.
Dr. Hinkel - Really?
Jake - A-Okay.
Dr. Hinkel - How long...
Jake - I'm fine with it, dammit!
Dr. Hinkel - All right. Moving on. Are you feeling a little stressed?
Jake - Stressed? Why do people keep telling me I'm stressed? (building rant) If I weren't stressed, I'd get stressed by everyone telling me I'm stressed! (calming) Any milk around here? I need some milk.
Dr. Hinkel - Uh-huh. How long have you had this chemical dependency?
(Priscilla's office. She and Quinn are seated on chairs. Priscilla is bored and regularly checks her watch during Quinn's rambling)
Quinn - And sometimes conditioners are really more like cream rinses and cream rinses are more like conditioners, but you never know until after you try them, and by then, it's too late. Of course, that just adds to all the pressure I'm all ready under. I mean, you wouldn't believe all the decisions I have to make. I wake up feeling like it's a flat shoe day, but after I brush my teeth, it starts to feel more like a sandal day, and you just can't go on what you're gonna be wearing on your feet...
(Jean-Michel's office. Daria is seated on a couch and Jean-Michel on a nearby chair)
Daria - Mom's resentful that she has to work so hard, which obscures her guilt about actually wanting to work so hard. Dad's guilty about being less driven than Mom, but thinks it's wrong to feel that way. So, he hides behind a smokescreen of cluelessness. Quinn wears superficiality like a suit of armor, because she's afraid to looking inside and finding absolutely nothing. And I'm so defensive that I actually work to make people dislike me so I won't feel bad when they do. (stands) Can I go now?
Jean-Michel - Tell me, Daria. Have you ever been hypnotized?
(Priscilla's office. She is falling asleep as Quinn talks)
Quinn - And then Sandi went out and got the same shoes I had first, the cute little t-straps with the glitter buckle. And then, Stacy's like, "Sandi, I love your sandals." Like, Sandi has such great taste or something, when all she did was copy me. I mean, everyone knows I wrote the book on strappy sandals at Lawndale, not an actual book of course, that would make me some kind of an egghead freak. Who do I talk to around here to schedule a facial?
(Pricilla drops notebook and snores. Quinn stands and walks to the exit)
Quinn - Excuse me. I think I hear an accent.
(Quinn exits room and heads down a hallway)
Quinn - White shoes...eww.
(Jean-Michel's office. He holds a pocket watch like a pendulum in front of an unaffected Daria)
Jean-Michel (soothing voice) - You are safe and warm in your secure cocoon. Just think of your favorite place.
Daria - Anywhere but here.
Quinn - Ah-ha.
Jean-Michel - Excuse me, but we're working.
Quinn - Why do you get the French guy?
Daria - You're absolutely right. You take him. I'm going to my cocoon now.
Jean-Michel - Wait, Daria. (to Quinn) Who are you?
Quinn - I'm Quinn. Daria's...trainer.
Daria - Now, that's healthy.
Jean-Michel - I was just trying to hypnotize Daria in order to transcend her resistance.
Quinn - Oh, can I watch?
(He motions for Quinn to sit in another chair and goes back to trying to hypnotize Daria)
Jean-Michel - You are safe and calm, feeling a warm, gentle breeze. Every bone in your body is relaxing. Easy...easy.
(Quinn nods off)
Jean-Michel - At the count of ten, you will tell me everything you're feeling with no resistance.
Quinn (hypnotized) - Oh Caesar, please don't poison me. I could love you, but those togas make your butt look so big.
Daria - Oh, God.
Quinn - And what's with that headband? Olive leaves are so BC.
Jean-Michel - Looks like she's experiencing a past-life regression.
Daria - You've got the regression part right.
Quinn - Help, someone help me! Some king wants kill me for loving some soldier or something before I've had time to pass on my secret formula for eye liner. Oh Caesar, ya big idiot! Do something!
Daria - Impressive grasp of history, but she forgot the part where they all board Noah's Ark for a Caribbean cruise.
Jean-Michel - Daria, I was afraid you had some rather deep-seated problems. But I must say, you're remarkably well adjusted...considering.
Quinn - You'd think someone would've invented eye liner before me. But no, I, Cleopatra, have to come up with all my beauty products on my own. Oh, what a hard life.
Daria - At the count of ten, I will snap my fingers, and hopefully remember none of this.
(Private Ivy computer room. Daria is at a computer station watching Jane-Cam, where Jane is contemplating a blank canvas)
Daria - Well, I guess this beats the dental floss.
(Man in next cubicle leans over to see. On Jane-Cam, Trent enters, scratching his butt)
Daria - Don't pick your nose. Don't pick your nose.
Quinn - Where's Jean-Michel?
Daria - I think he's in his office, showing ink blots to Marc Anthony.
Quinn - Why does he have so many patients?
(Dr. Bacon's office. Helen and Jake are in a session with the doctor)
Dr. Bacon - Helen, Jake, let's take this time to explore some of your life-partner issues.
Jake - Issues! I don't want to talk about issues this morning!
Helen - Now calm down, Jake! We have nothing to hide. I'm sure our issues aren't any more serious than other highly successful working couple.
Jake - That's what I mean!
Helen - Right, our issues aren't any more serious.
Dr. Bacon - Why don't we find out? Jake, how are you feeling right now?
Jake - Actually, I'm...
Helen - Because, our commitment to each other is so strong.
Jake - Dammit, Helen! She's always interrupting me like my opinions don't count!
Helen - But, you didn't say anything!
Dr. Bacon - Helen, please let him finish.
Jake - Yeah!
Helen - Sorry.
Jake - Okay. Well...um...that's all I wanted to say.
Helen - Doctor, I...
Jake - She thinks that just because she's the big, fat lawyer, she can run right over me!
Helen - What Jake means is...
Dr. Bacon - Helen, we're talking about Jake now. We'll get to your control issues soon.
Helen - Control issues!
Jake - Damn straight! She tells me what to do. how to drive, what to eat. She won't even let me drink milk if I want to. Innocent, pure milk. Got milk? Not Jakey! Dammit!
Dr. Bacon - Excellent Jake, excellent.
Helen - Oh, for the love of...
Dr. Bacon - Helen, please.
Jake - Hey, I suddenly feel...lighter. This therapy stuff really works.
(Jean-Michel's office. He is in a session with Mrs. Johansson)
Mrs. Johansson - Maybe I do use food for comfort. But at least a chocolate bar never told me I was an accident.
Jean-Michel - What did a chocolate bar say to you?
(Quinn enters and sits down)
Quinn - Jean-Michel? I want to do more of that past-life repression.
Jean-Michel - Quinn, this is a private session. We're discussing a very serious problem.
Quinn - Oh. A problem? Have you considered vertical stripes? They're a lot more slimming than polka-dots.
Jean-Michel - Quinn! Out, now!
Quinn - Okay.
(Quinn starts to exit)
Mrs. Johansson - Wait. Tell me more about the vertical stripes
(Jean-Michel buries his face into his notebook)
(Computer room, Daria is watching Jane-Cam, where Jane and Tom are watching a couple eating from a dog bowl on television)
SSW Announcer - Could a steady diet of pet food bring out the animal in you? Got a dog dish full of love! Tonight, on Sick, Sad World!
Jane - Don't even think about it.
(Jane changes TV channel with the remote to "Rock Relics")
Tom - Wow, listen to him repeat the same phrase over and over again without falling asleep.
Jane - Wiggle your butt and lip-synch at the same time. That's star-power, baby.
Tom - Oh, yeah?
(Tom stands and plays air guitar while shaking his butt directly into the webcam)
Daria - Oh, no. Oh, God.
(A woman looks over Daria's shoulder)
Daria - This is too painful
(Tom turns in horror and looks into the web cam. Behind Daria, a couple has started watching)
Daria - Oh, look dear, the Kravits's are here.
(Tom and Jane argue. Jane cuts the webcam cable with scissors)
Woman - Wow, what show was that?
(Private Ivy dining room. The Morgendorffers are seated with Dr. Bacon)
Dr. Bacon - All right, Morgendorffers. I've analyzed the data from your individual sessions and I realized what we need to do.
Quinn - Finally, facials.
Dr. Bacon - Actually, I think we need to wear each others faces for a while.
Quinn - Eww! Like that movie with that guy and that other guy?
Daria - Can I do the surgery?
Dr. Bacon - No, no, no. I'm talking about a little role-playing.
Daria - I'll play the role of the crazed surgeon. (holds out hand) Scalpel.
Dr. Bacon - I mean, why don't you try being each other.
Daria - Aww.
Dr. Bacon (to Daria) - Do you have a problem with that, Helen?
Quinn - I think she was still being Daria.
Dr. Bacon - Well, why don't you be Daria?
Quinn - Oh God, just throw me in front of a train, why don't you?
Dr. Bacon - Oh, come on. I can't be that bad, give it a try.
Quinn - I just did.
Dr. Bacon - Oh.
Daria (irritated) - I am not suicidal.
Dr. Bacon - All right, Daria. Now, can you be Quinn?
Daria - Okay, now I'm suicidal.
Dr. Bacon - Maybe the grown-ups can lead the way here. Helen and Jake, go on. Switcharoo.
Jake - Um, gee, I don't know if I can do this. Well, I'll give it a try. (he extends his fingers to simulate a telephone and speaks like Helen) Oh, hi Eric! No, just walked in. I thought I'd make dinner for...what? You have a hangnail? I'll be right over!
(Helen nervously laughs and takes a drink of wine)
Dr. Bacon - Uh-uh. Jake.
Helen - I mean...Dammit! I lost another client, dammit! I can't understand why! Dammit! Nobody likes poor old Jake. Should I think about the reason? Oh, must be my father's fault. Where's the newspaper, dammit! (fakes dropping off to sleep and snoring)
Jake - Look at the time! Gee, dear. You'll have to tell me about your deepest fears and worries when I get back. I've got a big meeting, so I better run!
Helen - No matter, I'm not saying anything relevant anyway. I'm lost in a fog, when I'm not flying into a rage!
Jake - Oh, Jakey. Let me bring home the pizza. I have to be the one doing everything so everyone will thank me and tell me what a big superwoman I am. I'm very, very important and very, very stressed and I don't have time to actually do anything for anyone else, but I can pretend I care, can't I?
(Helen's face turns red in shocked embarrassment and Jake sighs deeply)
Helen (quiet) - Everybody hates me.
Quinn - Are you being Daria now?
Dr. Bacon - Stay with it everyone, this is good stuff.
(Helen pushes chair back and stands)
Helen - I've given everything I've got, but it's just not enough. Well, I've got nothing left to give.
Jake - Helen! Helen, wait!
(Jake runs after her)
Daria - That worked well.
Dr. Bacon - Quinn, what do you think about what just happened?
Quinn - I think this spa would get a lot more business if you just offered facials.
(Private Ivy parking lot. Helen is trying to get into the Lexus when Daria enters)
Helen - Oh.
Daria - Um, Mom, what are you doing?
Helen - Oh, I thought I'd just wait in the car until we leave.
Daria - Tomorrow morning?
Helen - Well, at least I wouldn't be abandoning or ignoring anyone. Or, ruining their lives.
Daria - Oh, come on, Mom.
Helen - Look what I've done to my family! Your father feels completely neglected and resentful. I've shut you out so many times, you don't even try to talk to me, and Quinn...well, I can't even think about what happened there, not right now. Oh my God, Daria! You didn't hear that!
(Daria takes out notepad and writes)
Daria - Didn't hear a thing.
Helen - Daria.
Daria - Look, Mom. Dad has to feel neglected; it's how he stays the center of attention. And the reason I don't talk to you is that I know you'll hang on my every word, and frankly, who needs that kind of responsibility? And as for Quinn, well, I can't even think about what happened there.
(Helen laughs and stops herself)
Helen - Oh, my.
Daria - So you get carried away with the job. Big deal. You're just as committed to the family.
Helen - I try to be.
Daria - You're very grounded, it's why you're half-crazy.
Helen - You really don't hate me for working so hard?
Daria - I came to this stupid place and pretended to be well-adjusted, didn't I?
Helen - Hmm.
Daria - Well, anyway. I came to this stupid place.
Jake (VO) - Helen! Helen! Thank God I found you!
(Jake runs up to Helen)
Jake - Look, Helen, about that superwoman stuff, that wasn't me, that was the milk talking.
Helen - No, Jake. We both said some things in the heat of the moment. Right?
Jake - Right.
(Helen and Jake embrace for several moments)
Jake - Um, what'd you say again?
Helen - Never mind. First thing in the morning, we're leaving, and I'll drive. I don't like what that milk's done to your acceleration. Not to mention what it's probably doing to your cholesterol.
Jake - Cholesterol? Milk has cholesterol? Dammit, Helen! How could you let me...?
Quinn - Hey! What's everyone doing out here?
Daria - Sharing a warm, family moment.
Quinn - All right, all right. I can take a hint.
(Eric Schrecter's office. He's at his desk, reading while Helen stands at the other side of the desk)
Helen - Look Eric. About that retreat.
Eric - Too late, I've already read the results. (reads) "Helen Morgendorffer suffers from overarching competitive aggression, unhealthy self-involvement, a gross insensitivity to others needs, and an overriding conviction that she is always right."
Helen - I think what the counselors are trying to say is...
Eric - Never mind. What I'm trying to say is: congratulations! You're being put on the partnership fast-track.
Helen - I am?
Eric - Of course! This willingness of yours to put career ahead of family and home is just the stick-to-itiveness we look for in a partner. (Puts his arm around Helen) Come on! Let's go to that hearing and kick some woosy ass! I heard their lead attorney took paternity leave last year. Hah!
(Helen forces a laugh and sighs as Eric exits)
(Jane's room. She and Daria are watching TV)
Jane - The way I see it, the failure of Jane-Cam speaks to the inability of the most sophisticated technology to supplant the most basic human emotions.
Daria - In other words, the inability of Tom to appreciate the violation of his privacy?
Jane - You saw that?
Daria - Not just me, the world.
Jane - Not quite the world. Jane-Cam only got eight hits the whole time and you were three of them.
Daria - It's a small world after all.
Jane - Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey.
Daria - You and Tom have made up, no doubt.
Jane - We did, until he read the fan mail.
Daria - You got fan mail?
Jane - Well, Tom did. From some inmates. He wasn't pleased.
Daria - Figures, he makes one lousy video, and then forgets the people who made him number one.
(Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria is cutting a slice of cake while Quinn watches)
Quinn - That's disgusting! Chocolate cake for breakfast?
Daria - It's too early for lunch.
Quinn - Dad! Aren't you gonna say anything?
(Jake is at table, trying to read a package)
Jake - What the hell is sodium hexametaphosphate?
(Helen enters and grabs briefcase from counters)
Helen - Morning! Gotta go. Big meeting of the future partners.
Daria - Thanks, but I couldn't eat another bite. The pancakes sure were scrumptious, though.
Jake - Hey! How come I didn't get any pancakes?