Written by Glenn Eichler
(opening theme song)
(at school, Mr. O'Neill's class)
Mr. O'Neill - And so the pen begat the printing press, and the printing press begat the linotype machine, and today, entire epics are spawned interactively via the web and never see the printed page at all.
Daria - Unfortunately, none of our textbooks are among them.
Mr. O'Neill - You see, the message a piece of writing delivers is influenced by the medium in which it is conveyed. But today's progressive communicators ask, why stop at just medium? Why not go for... Kevin?
Kevin - Medium... rare?
Mr. O'Neill - Uh, no, Kevin. Actually, I was looking for media. Multimedia. Which brings me to our exciting assignment.
Jane - Isn't "exciting assignment" a contradiction in terms?
Daria - I don't know. Let's ask our inspiring instructor.
Mr. O'Neill - You're all going to experience the creative power of multimedia. You'll form teams to create a work of your choice, using the power of computing to combine words, images, and sound. You can use the school's computers or your own. Isn't it a thrilling idea? Jane?
Jane - Um-hmm. In fact, may I go to the girl's room and down some tranquilizers?
Mr. O'Neill - Oh, no. Tranquilizers?! Jane, have you considered homeopathy?
Jane - I'm going to stick with guys for now, but thanks for asking.
Jane - I have a good feeling about this multimedia thing, teammate.
Daria - That's the nastiest name anyone's ever called me.
Jane - If we get anything above a "C" I'll get off academic probation and not have to worry about taking language arts over... and Daria Morgendorffer does not get "Cs."
Daria - Well, I could make an exception.
Jane - Come on! This is going to be fun -- you doing words, me pictures. It's exciting.
Daria - Oh, yeah. Very exciting.
Jane - I know what would make it exciting.
Daria - We do the whole thing while walking over hot coals?
Jane - How about we add a little music to the mix?
Daria - What's so exciting about that?
Jane - What's exciting is the particular musician I have in mind.
Daria - Oh, no.
Jane - Come on, Daria. Trent'll love doing some computer music. It'll satisfy the secret techno dance freak hiding beneath that cool alternative exterior.
Daria - I don't think I want to meet that techno dance freak.
Jane - Sure you do. We'll ask him at the Mystik Spiral gig tonight.
Daria - This dance freak doesn't wear spandex, does he?
(at the Zen)
Trent and Jesse - (singing) Who shot the hippies? Who locked them in a zoo? Who gagged the beatniks? Who filled their mouths with glue? Who crushed the bohos? Who turned their work to poo? Hey, Mr. Normal, it was you!
(Jane and Tom stare at each other)
Daria - Hey. Hey!
Jane - Huh? Sorry. That guy keeps looking at me.
Daria - Yeah, I can see you're upset about that. I'm going to the bathroom. (leaves)
Jane - Okay.
Trent and Jesse - (singing) Hey, Mr. Normal, it was you!
Jesse - Yeah!
Trent - We're Mystik Spiral. We'll be back for a second set.
Jesse - This was the first set!
Trent - Uh, yeah.
Tom - Hey.
Jane - Yo.
Tom - Good band.
Jane - Yeah. The singer's my brother.
Tom - Really? Are you a singer, too?
Jane - Oh, yeah -- listen to this. (sings off-key) "Old Macdonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-OH."
Tom - That's really awful.
Jane - You're an honest one, eh? Actually, I'm an artist.
Tom - Wow, that's cool.
Jane - But I do like to sing in my spare time. (sings off-key) "Old Macdonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I..."
Tom - Mm, very nice. You like convertibles?
Jane - Sofas?
Tom - Cars.
Jane - Why, you got one?
Tom - Um... no, but the roof of my car is rusting through.
Jane - Almost the same thing.
Tom - I think the sad decay of it all might appeal to your artistic sensibility. Want to check it out, maybe get some food?
Jane - Food, then back here?
Tom - Sound all right?
Jane - Let me just tell my friend.
Jane - Hey, Daria, this is, uh...
Tom - Tom.
Daria - Hi.
Tom - Hey.
Jane - His car's falling apart so we're going to go for a ride. I'll be right back.
Daria - Hey. We're supposed to talk to Trent, remember?
Jane - You talk. I'll be back for the second set. Later.
Tom - Nice meeting you.
(Jane and Tom leave)
Daria - Great.
Max - Look, when I'm going foom-foom-foom-foom, what damn good does it do to have you going badda-dah, badda-dah, badda-dah, blat?
Nick - It's not blat, Max -- it's blam.
Trent - Hey, Daria. You guys wanted to talk to me about something?
Daria - Um... yeah. But Jane went out for some food.
Trent - That's okay. You're here.
Daria - Well, it's about this multimedia project we have to do for school.
Trent - Multimedia?
Daria - Yeah. The whole thing's supposed to be on computer -- images and sound.
Trent - That sounds pretty cool. So you want to document the struggle of an up-and-coming band, is that it? A year on the edge. Okay, we're in.
Daria - Um, actually, we were just kind of hoping you might compose about 30 seconds of music we can use.
Trent - Oh. Sure, Daria. That'll be cool. Like something you save and play back on a computer.
Daria - Yeah, exactly. We need it in two weeks.
Trent - That's no problem. All right, I'm going digital. Excellent. (taps fingers nervously) So, uh... when did Janey say she was coming back?
Daria - Uh, she said she'd be here for the second set.
Trent - Oh. Okay. Cool. Of course, the second set's not for another hour.
Daria - Yeah. Actually, um... I'm kind of beat. I hope you won't be insulted if I don't hang around.
Trent - Hey, the second set's just the stuff that's not good enough for the first. I wouldn't stay for it myself if I weren't in the band.
Daria - Heh.
Trent - I've got some time. You want a ride home?
Daria - Um... sure.
Trent - So how come Janey went out for food and you didn't go with her?
Daria - She kind of went with this guy.
Trent - Oh. From school?
Daria - Actually, she just met him. I don't know why she thought she could go for a ride with him.
Trent - Janey can take care of herself.
Daria - I hope so.
(car arrives at Daria's house)
Trent - You got to relax, Daria. Things work out, you know?
Daria - I guess.
Daria - Okay. Thanks for the ride.
Trent - Thanks for coming to the gig. I got to get back before Max and Nicholas kill each other.
Daria - Yeah. You don't want to miss that. (gets out of car)
Trent - (chuckles, coughs) You're funny, Daria. Hey, if you're going to be at the house tomorrow maybe we can talk about the music.
Daria - Um... yeah. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Trent - See you.
(at Jane's house)
(Trent's duck phone rings)
(Jane's phone rings)
Jane - (sleepily) Yeah?
Daria - Oh, gee. Did I wake you? I guess that means you haven't been murdered. Well, that's good.
(split-screen between Daria and Jane)
Jane - Do you have any idea what time it is?
Daria - It's almost noon.
Jane - Mm. I guess righteous indignation isn't really appropriate, then.
Daria - Not for you, no.
Jane - Where did you disappear to last night?
Daria - Where'd I disappear to?
Jane - Um... I guess I kind of left you there while I went out with Tom. Sorry.
Daria - Tom?
Jane - Hey, I thought I would give you and Trent some one-on-one quality time.
Daria - Yeah. You and Tom were thinking of me.
Jane - Well, I was back for the second set like I promised.
Daria - I thought we weren't staying for the second set.
Jane - I said I was sorry. Did you talk to Trent about the project?
Daria - Yes, I talked to Trent about the project. He said he'd do it. He said if I was coming over today we could all discuss it.
Jane - So what are you waiting for? Get your butt over here A.S.A.P.
Daria - All right.
Jane - Only don't rush. He won't be up for another two hours.
(at Jane's house)
Jane - Hey.
Daria - What's with you?
Jane - After you called I got up, got dressed, and then fell back asleep. You did call, right? 'Cause I don't think I could have dreamed a conversation that nasty.
Daria - Is Trent up yet?
Jane - I heard something stirring in his room. I'm hoping it wasn't a family of raccoons. (yawns) You want some breakfast?
Daria - Thanks, but I don't really like to eat breakfast after lunch. It spoils my dinner. So you want to work on this multimedia thing?
Jane - I don't know, Daria, I'm really beat. Hey! How you doing?
Daria - What do you mean? I'm fine.
Tom - Hi. Hi, Daria.
Tom - I just stopped by to make sure you didn't get sick from those two jumbo burgers.
Jane - Are you kidding? I could eat five of those babies and never feel a thing. (belches) Um... excuse me. Come on in.
Tom - No, you've got company.
Jane - Oh, come on.
Trent - Uh... hey. Hey, Daria.
Daria - Hey, Trent.
Jane - Trent, this is Tom.
Tom - You guys were excellent last night.
Trent - Thanks.
Daria - Trent, I came over to discuss that project.
Trent - Oh. Well, um... why don't we go talk in the kitchen, Daria?
Daria - Don't you want Jane in on the conversation?
Jane - You go ahead. I'm not quite up yet. I'll walk Tom to his car.
Daria - But...
Trent - Yeah, come on, Daria. It's cool. She'll walk Tom to his car.
(Trent and Daria enter kitchen)
Trent - We can talk in here while I make some coffee.
Daria - You and Jane aren't really morning people, are you?
Trent - Hey, the night holds the key.
Daria - The key to what?
Trent - I don't know, Daria. It's early.
Daria - So you want to talk about that multimedia project?
Trent - Yeah, but shouldn't Janey be here for that?
Daria - That's what I asked you.
Trent - Oh. Well, I guess I figured I'd give her and what's-his-name a couple of minutes.
Daria - Tom.
Trent - Yeah. Tom.
Daria - Do you think it's weird that they just met last night and he's already inviting himself over?
Trent - I guess he likes her.
Daria - It's just so fast.
Trent - Hey, sometimes you got to take things as they come. Relax and see what happens.
Daria - But you can't be that way about everything.
Trent - Exactly. Like, I'm relaxed about a lot of stuff, but not my career. I take that very seriously. (phone rings) Yo. Hey, Max. What? Oh, damn. Okay, I'll be right over. (hangs up) Um... Daria, I kind of forgot about this really important audition. I got to run. (leaves, then returns) Hey. Help yourself to the hot water. (leaves)
(walking home from school)
Jane - So, I think I finally have some sketches I like for this multimedia thing. Meaning I should be finished tomorrow and we can scan them in.
Daria - That sounds good.
Jane - And Trent bought a MIDI keyboard and a composing program and he's been up, like, every night screwing around with it.
Daria - Has he played you any of the music he's written?
Jane - Who said anything about writing music? He sampled the toilet flushing and created an all-plumbing version of "O, Susanna." How's the script coming?
Daria - The script's been finished since Monday.
Jane - Really? I'm impressed.
Daria - Yes. Well, I had a lot of free time last weekend.
Jane - Um, yeah. Sorry we couldn't get together.
Daria - No big deal. How's Tom?
Jane - You really don't like him, do you?
Daria - It's not him I don't like. It's you going gaga over this guy you just met.
Jane - I'm not gaga -- I've gone out with him a few times. He's a pleasant young fellow. What's the problem?
Daria - No problem.
Jane - Anyway, he's seeing his friends tonight, so you and I will definitely get together.
Daria - Thanks for fitting me in.
Jane - I do what I can.
(girls enter Jane's house)
Trent - Hey, Janey, come listen to this. (plays Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony" in barks and moos)
(at Pizza King)
Daria - So what do you want to do after pizza? A movie?
Jane - Good idea. Then when we come back here for more pizza, there'll be a new crowd who didn't see the two pies we've already eaten.
Daria - Thus preserving our reputation for having bird-like appetites.
Tom - Hey.
Jane - Hey.
Daria - What are you doing here?
Tom - Those really good friends of mine -- they totally blew me off. I figured you guys might be here.
Jane - Well, pull up a bench. We'll order another pie.
Tom - No, I'll just get a slice. I'm only going to stay a minute.
Daria - Want to borrow my stopwatch?
Tom - Hey, Daria, if you want me to leave, just say so.
Daria - Okay, bye, now.
Jane - Hey, come on, Daria. I thought we were going to see a movie.
Tom - What movie?
Daria - It's called "The Big Chick Movie That Appeals Only to Girls and Makes Men and Boys Vomit."
Tom - Hey, Daria, did I say I wanted to go to the movie with you?
Daria - No, but you never mentioned wanting to horn in on our pizza time, either.
Tom - Daria, you're so darn pleasant and friendly, I don't see how anyone could resist an evening with you. But just on a crazy whim, I think I'll go home and watch TV by myself. (leaves)
Jane - Hey, come on... Tom! (to Daria) Are you trying to get into the obnoxious hall of fame or something?
Daria - Go ahead -- go after him. Go for a ride.
Jane - Daria, have you lost your mind?
Daria - You'd go after him if I weren't here, wouldn't you?
Jane - I don't know.
Daria - Well, let me give you the opportunity to find out. (leaves)
Jane - What the hell did I do?
(at Jane's house)
Jane - Well, look who it is... sunshine girl.
Daria - I just came over to see how Trent's doing with that music.
Jane - Why didn't you just call?
Daria - I felt like taking a walk. The assignment's due tomorrow, you know.
Jane - I know. I'm ready. Hey, can I get some eye contact here?
Daria - Look, my language arts grade is not in question.
Jane - You must be very proud.
Daria - I mean, if we do badly, you're the one taking the class again, so you should be more concerned with how Trent's doing.
Jane - I'm concerned, I'm concerned.
Daria - Fine.
Jane - Good.
Daria - Good, then.
Jane - And I suppose we'll just pretend last night never happened.
Daria - Why? You want to tell me how your date was with Tom?
Jane - There was no date with Tom. There was nothing. He left, you left, I left. Big Saturday night.
Daria - And I suppose you think that's my fault?
Jane - The notion had crossed my mind.
(Trent enters kitchen)
Trent - Hey... hey, Daria.
Jane - Trent, that project is due tomorrow. When is that stupid music going to be finished?
Trent - Whoa, how do you know it's stupid?
Daria - We don't because we haven't heard anything yet.
Trent - Well, I'm still conceptualizing.
Jane - Conceptualizing, my ass. 30 lousy seconds of music, Trent. Can't you for once in your life finish something within a month of starting it?
Trent - What's the matter with you?
Daria - She's going to fail language arts, that's what. And it will be your fault.
Trent - You guys are acting really weird. (leaves)
Jane - Where are you going?
Trent - (offscreen) Anywhere else.
Jane - Deadbeat.
Daria - Screw-up.
(Trent's car pulls away)
Daria - Um... okay, I guess I'll go home now. You keep on him about that music. (leaves)
Jane - Will do. He's not going to mess things up for us anymore. Hey, wait... weren't we fighting about something?
Jane - Okay... and here's little Jane all alone once again. (sniffs her armpit -- "Did I forget to use deodorant?" -- then shrugs)
(Tom's car pulls up next to Daria)
Tom - Hey, Daria.
Daria - Wow, I can see why Jane wanted to ride in this car.
Tom - You know Jane, she's a thrill seeker. A gas tank that can blow at any minute -- she couldn't resist. (pause) That was a joke.
Daria - Hmm... good one.
Tom - You need a lift somewhere?
Daria - What are you? Some kind of compulsive ride giver? I'm walking, thanks.
Tom - I'll walk with you a ways. (gets out of car)
Daria - What are you doing?
Tom - Look, I'd like to talk to you, okay?
Daria - So, talk.
Tom - Listen, you don't like me and that's fine. There's no reason you should.
Daria - I agree.
Tom - But it would be really nice if you could try and get along with me a little. At least in front of Jane.
Daria - Why should I?
Tom - Because she's your best friend, and I really like her and want to get to know her.
Daria - So?
Tom - So you hating me puts her in a very awkward position.
Daria - I don't hate you. I don't even know you. But I'm not going to sit by while you take my friend away.
Tom - I'm not taking your friend away. All she talks about is "Daria said this," "Daria did this," "listen to what Daria told this moron."
Daria - Don't bother with the flattery, Tom... I'm immune.
Tom - I'm not flattering you, Daria. I don't care if you don't like me. I'm just saying you'd have to be pretty stupid to think anything or anybody is going to shake your friendship with Jane.
Daria - Yeah, pretty stupid. Look, I may conceivably have been acting like a jerk toward you...
Tom - It's possible; don't worry about it.
Daria - But you and I are not friends.
Tom - Definitely not.
Daria - And even if we were friends, I still wouldn't ride in that car.
Tom - That's just plain common sense. So how's the multimedia project coming?
Daria - It'd be fine if Trent ever got around to writing the music.
Tom - Yeah, he's a really cool guy, but I guess he's not the most dependable person in the world.
Daria - I really hope he makes it as a musician 'cause I can't think of any other job he could hold down.
Tom - I don't know -- you know those farmers that get paid not to grow anything?
(at Daria's house)
Daria - What are you doing here?
Jane - I brought our multimedia report over.
Daria - Uh-huh, and how many media are on this report?
Jane - Um... two: words and pictures. Trent failed to deliver the music.
Daria - Unfortunately, I'm not surprised. What did he tell you about it?
Jane - Nothing; he never came home last night. I'm sorry I even suggested involving him.
Daria - Forget it -- you thought it was a good idea.
Jane - You're not mad?
Daria - I have no reason to be mad at you.
Jane - Does this mean we can be in the same room for a while?
Daria - Don't push it.
(at school, Mr. O'Neill's class)
(Kevin and Brittany's presentation plays)
Brittany - Go, team players! Go, school spirit!
Kevin - If you have a goal to reach school sports will help you achieve it and stuff.
Brittany - Go, team!
Mr. O'Neill - Well, ah... thank you, Kevin and Brittany, for that clever presentation on the benefits of team sports.
Brittany - You're welcome.
Kevin - I was the Q.B.
Mr. O'Neill - Yes. And now, Daria and Jane present "The Emotional Trauma Cycle of a High School Student." Oh...
(Daria and Jane's presentation begins)
Daria (narrating) - The emotional trauma cycle of a high school student. Phase one: disbelief.
Jane - Well, that was weird. Thank God we never have to go back to that freak show.
Daria - Um... we are required by law to show up for the next four years.
Jane - What?
Daria (narrating) - Phase two: denial.
Jane - No way.
Daria - Way.
Daria (narrating) - Phase three: bargaining.
Jane - Mom, if you don't make me go back to that place I'll clean the garage every month for the rest of my life.
Amanda - We have a garage?
Daria (narrating) - Phase four: anger.
Mr. DeMartino - What are you doing with that microphone? Why are you hounding me? Stop!
Daria (narrating) - Phase five: acceptance.
Jane - I've been accepted to college. I'm out of here.
Daria - Thank you very much.
Mr. O'Neill - Well... (chuckles) Very entertaining and, uh, clever use of multimedia. Now, here's a work by Charles Ruttheimer.
(image of Upchuck appears on screen while "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays)
(at Daria's house)
SSW Announcer (on TV) - Could a family of ghosts be living in your house rent-free?
Helen (offscreen) - Meeting!
Jake (offscreen) - Golf!
Quinn (offscreen) - Date!
Daria - Sarcasm!
SSW Announcer (on TV) - Freeloading familial phantoms, next on Sick, Sad World.
Trent - Hey, Daria.
Daria - Trent.
Trent - I hope you don't mind me coming by. I want to talk to you.
Daria - Take a number.
(at Pizza King)
Daria - Um, thanks.
Trent - No problem. I feel bad about letting you guys down. I wanted to explain what happened.
Daria - Oh. Well, sure.
Trent - I just couldn't get the music together.
Daria - Yeah...?
Trent - That's it.
Daria - Why didn't you tell us you were having a problem? We could have made a backup plan.
Trent - I figured I'd get inspired eventually. I still think I will.
Daria - Trent, it was a school assignment. We had a deadline.
Trent - I don't believe in deadlines, Daria. They stifle creativity.
Daria - Yeah, but agreeing to help us meant you were committing to our deadline.
Trent - Maybe we just have different ideas about what a commitment is.
Daria - I suppose we do.
Trent - I guess it wasn't such a great idea for us to get together... on this.
Daria - No, I guess there was no way it could have worked out.
Trent - Hmm. It's too bad, Daria. I always kind of felt you understood the way I think.
Daria - I do, Trent. I do.
(Jane and Tom arrive)
Jane - Trent, I don't care if she forgives you. I'm never speaking to you again.
Trent - You just did.
Jane - Damn! So did he give you a plausible reason for screwing up our project?
Daria - From his point of view.
Jane - That's better than nothing... I think.
Tom - Tough day on the farm, eh, Daria?
Trent - I don't get it.
Daria - Private joke.
Jane - Oh, no... no private jokes allowed. Come on, buy me a slice. (leaves with Tom)
Trent - They don't look so bad together. I told you he's an okay guy.
Daria - I suppose.
Trent - Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.
Daria - How do you know? You don't wear a watch.
Trent - I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.
Daria - You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.
Trent - Sorry again about, you know... everything.
Daria - That's okay.
Trent - All right then, Daria. See you around. (gives Daria a peck on the cheek and leaves)
Daria - See ya.
(Jane beckons Daria to her and Tom's table)
Tom - Hey.
Jane - Hey.
Daria - Hey.
Jane - Pizza?
Daria - You're buying.