(opening theme song)

(in Ms. Barch's study hall)

Ms. Barch - Mack, make that "boys are the scourge of the Earth."

(Jane draws Ms. Barch as a dominatrix)

(Brittany shows Daria her drawing)

Brittany - The Telltale Heart? I love romance novels!

Daria - Yeah, nothing says "be mine" like a pounding heart beneath a floorboard.

(Brittany shows Jodie her drawing)

Ms. Li - (enters room) Attention, young people. I have an exciting announcement. Grove Hills, the school for gifted and outstanding students, has issued invitations to several of our students to visit its campus. And among those so honored are: Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Landon.

(very light applause)

Jane - I knew those straight Cs in math would pay off some day.

(at Daria's house)

Jake - (pulls plate out of oven) Gah! Damn plate! Hey, mom told me about Grove Hills. That's great, kiddo!

Daria - Yeah. I'm tired of being at a school where the kids just think they're cooler than me. I want to go to one where they think they're smarter than me also.

Helen - (hugs Daria) Daria, I'm so proud of you, honey. Grove Hills. The friends you make there could really launch your career.

Daria - And why study when you can network?

Helen - It's just a visit, Daria.

Daria - That's what they told J.F.K.

Helen - I'll pay you $20.

Daria - A hundred.

Jake - Hey! How come you never offer me a bribe?

Helen - Because we work together as a team. Now, let me handle this.

Jake - Darn it.

Helen - If I give you $20 will you let me handle this?

Jake - A hundred.

Helen - Forty.

Jake - Sixty.

Helen - Fifty.

Jake - Done.

Helen - (to Daria) Fifty?

Daria - Done.

Helen - Then it's settled. We're going to Grove Hills this weekend. (starts counting money)

Quinn - That place where they fence in all the geeks? Why do I have to go? That's not fair!

Helen - Quinn, I'm afraid siblings aren't invited. You're staying home.

Quinn - You mean the whole family gets to go without me? That's not fair!

Helen - Oh, here. (gives Quinn some money)

Jake - Hey!

Quinn - Don't worry, I'll take good care of the house while you're gone.

Daria - You mean like last time, when you had that keg party and Jeffy threw up in Mom's closet?

Quinn - He did not. It was Jerome.

Helen - I don't like the idea of you staying here alone, anyway.

Quinn - Why? I'm not afraid.

Daria - Yeah. Why should you be afraid? Of mass murderers, serial killers, torturers, cannibals... puppy kickers?

Quinn - Muh-om!

Helen - Maybe you can stay at Sandi's. Even if I have to call that witch, Linda.

(split-screen between Helen and Linda)

Helen - Linda? How are you?

Linda - Well, I just made 120% of my target projection for this year, earning me a bonus and an incentive check, so I'm pretty damn good. How are you?

Helen - Um, I'm having a good year, too. Yes, a very good year. Yes. Uh, thank you so much for letting Quinn stay with you this weekend. Now, she sometimes needs a little supervision...

Linda - Don't worry. I've got firm ground rules. First and foremost: no boys.

Helen - N-O, no.

Linda - Sandi has to beat them off with a stick. (laughs) Who am I kidding? I had the same problem at her age.

(split-screen between Quinn and Sandi)

Sandi - So, Ricky and the guys will be waiting for us at Tower Point.

Quinn - (writes) Wear smudge-proof lipstick.

Linda - I've already hidden the keys to the car, in case Sandi gets any ideas.

Helen - You know, I used to have to beat them off with a stick, too.

Sandi - I made a copy of the keys to the car.

Quinn - (writes) Bring scarf to avoid convertible hair.

Linda - And lights out by 11:00.

Helen - Did you hear that? About the stick?

Sandi - Then, after my mother checks on us at 11:00, we climb out my window, grab the car, and meet the guys.

Quinn - Boy, Sandi, you've thought of everything. No wonder you're president of the Fashion Club.

Helen - My, Linda, you've thought of everything. No wonder you're on the board of the Lawndale Businesswoman's Alliance.

(outside of Daria's house)

Jodie - Thanks for the ride. My parents will meet us up there after the new members' brunch at their club. My father's been on the waiting list for three years.

Daria - Remember, no matter what happens on this ride you've already waived your right to sue me for confining you with lunatics.

(on the road)

Helen - So, Jodie, do you belong to any clubs?

Daria - You don't have to answer that.

Jodie - I'm president of the French Club, vice president of Student Council, editor of yearbook, and I'm also on the tennis team.

Jake - Daria, why aren't you on the tennis team?

Daria - Because it's classified as a sport.

Helen - Speaking of sports, Jodie, do you know Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a science project together.

Jodie - Oh, sure. Kevin's great... (softly to Daria) at smashing beer cans with his head.

Helen - I don't know why Daria doesn't hang around with him and his gang more.

Daria - For the same reason I don't sleep with my head packed in ice.

Jake - So, Jodie, got a fella?

Jodie - Yeah, his name's Michael. But everyone calls him Mack.

Jake - Wow!

Daria - Should we go to the main building, or just apply for jobs in the stables?

(at Sandi's house)

Quinn - So I told Peter, "Look... I don't care how many times you ask me out. You're not my type!"

Sandi - I know. I don't know how many times he's asked me out.

Quinn - That's what I just said.

Sandi - No, you said you don't care how many times he's asked you out.

Quinn - Well, I meant...

Sandi - Oh, look, Quinn. She's wearing sandals like yours. Is this a rerun?

Quinn - I don't think so. (stands) Can I get you a diet soda?

Sandi - No, thanks. But help yourself to the grapes. I hear they're good for breakouts.

(Quinn runs out)

Sam - Hey, sis, what you watching?

Sandi - Turn it back. (Chris punches Sandi) Ow! You little geek.

Quinn - Hey, what happened to Fashion Vision?

Sam - Oh, sorry, Quinn. Um, you want a peanut butter log?

Chris - Need a smoother glass?

Sam - Should I fluff your shoelaces?

Quinn - Well, let's see...

Sandi - If you guys like Quinn so much, maybe you should adopt her and I can go live with the Morgendorffers.

Sam - Cool.

Chris - I'll help you pack.

Sandi - Quinn, it's getting kind of crowded in here. Maybe Tiffany has more room.

Quinn - What do you mean, Sandi?

(Sandi kicks Quinn out)

(at Grove Hills)

Marina - Hello, welcome to Grove Hills. I'm Marina.

Jodie - I'm Jodie.

Daria - Daria.

Marina - Jodie, Daria. I'd like you to meet Lara, Graham and Cassidy.

Cassidy - What's up?

Lara - Hi, nice to meet you.

Marina - Lara, why don't you fill Jodie and Daria in on the many advantages of a Grove Hills education?

Lara - Well, number one: you only have to put up with shrill recruiters at phony functions like this.

Marina - Um, excuse me. (leaves)

Cassidy - And you're not surrounded by nearly as many stupid people as you would be at home.

Graham - Starting with your parents.

(everyone laughs; Daria chuckles a little)

Daria - Maybe this place isn't so bad.

(at Grove Hills; student meeting)

Narrator - At Grove Hills, you can contemplate Proust in our spacious dorm rooms, converse in Latin over a delicious meal...

Daria - (whispers) Dump bodies into the river from our scenic bell tower.

(Jodie giggles)

Girl - Shh!

Narrator - So all aboard to Grove Hills, your first station on the track to wisdom.

Marina - I hope everyone enjoyed our little film.

(various "yes" and "mm-hmm" from others)

Marina - Great. I think a super way to start this meet and greet session would be to tell a little about our goals in life. Who'd like to start?

Jodie - Well, someday I'd like to own my own business. Maybe a consulting firm geared toward minority start-ups.

Marina - Excellent! Daria? What about your goal?

Daria - Um, I don't have any.

Marina - Oh, come, Daria. You must have some goal.

Daria - My goal is not to wake up at 40 with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a job I hate because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.

(Marina giggles nervously)

(at Grove Hills; parents meeting)

Narrator - Welcome to the hallowed halls of Grove Hills. Do you think it's a coincidence that the rich and powerful all seem to know each other? Think again. They met at school.

(Andrew and Michele Landon arrive)

(Jake snores)

Narrator - Don't let your gifted progeny drown in the public school system. Would you rather they get an early acceptance to the Ivy League, or stagnate at some third-rate college? (Middleton College shown on screen)

Jake - (wakens) Huh? Hey! The old alma mater!

Helen - You must be Jodie's parents.

Michele - Why do you say that?

Helen - Um...

Andrew - Andrew Landon. My wife, Michele.

Jake - Hey, Andrew! Saw you parking your Jag out there.

Andrew - A little gift I bought myself after hitting the big figures with my folding coffee cup. The key was finding a way to keep the damn creases from leaking.

Jake - You know, I came up with the idea for the suction-powered nail clipper. But then somebody beat me to the punch.

Andrew - My boy, Evan. A linebacker, huh? Not that I don't love my girls, but Evan, he's my son.

Helen - Jodie told us all about you -- walking away from a senior vice presidency at U.S. World to have a baby! That took guts. A lot of women...

Michele - All right, so Evan wasn't planned. But I'm okay with it.

Jake - Maybe I could talk Helen into having a boy.

Helen - Maybe I could talk you into letting me keep the house.

(at Tiffany's house)

Tiffany - Does this picture make my nose look too close to my mouth?

Quinn - No. They're a comfortable distance apart.

Tiffany - How about my teeth? The front ones aren't too white, are they?

Quinn - No, they have just the right amount of whiteness. Can we go to Cashman's now?

(Tiffany changes outfit)

Tiffany - Does this make me look fat?

Quinn - No way.

(Tiffany changes outfit)

Tiffany - Does this make me look fat?

Quinn - No!

(Tiffany changes outfit)

Tiffany - Does this make me look fat?

Quinn - You're not freaking fat, okay?!

(Tiffany kicks Quinn out)

(at Grove Hills)

Helen - I can't tell you how much I like Jodie. I just wish Daria were as popular.

Michele - Oh, well...

Helen - I mean, if Jodie can make friends so easily, why can't Daria?

Michele - Why should Jodie have any problems making friends?

Helen - Well, there's not a lot of... diversity at Lawndale. A few people can be narrow-minded and not always accept -- right away -- people from different backgrounds.

Michele - How is Jodie's background any different from Daria's?

Helen - Absolutely right. Excuse me while I... use the ladies room.

Andrew - You know what riles me, Jake-o? Those damn welfare cheats.

Jake - Oh, well, I don't...

Andrew - Thank God for creative accounting, or I'd be spending half my net supporting those couch potatoes.

Jake - Yes, but...

Andrew - It's because of those lousy cheats that American companies end up using child labor!

Jake - Yeah... damn welfare cheats!

Helen - Now, Jake. A lot of hard-working people just need a little help now and then. There's nothing wrong with that, right, Michele?

Michele - What makes you think I'm in favor of welfare?

(at Stacy's house)

Stacy - I'm so glad you're staying here, Quinn.

Quinn - Yeah, me, too.

Stacy - Don't tell anybody this, but I like you best out of everyone in the Fashion Club.

Quinn - Um, that's nice, Stacy. God! Look at Bridgett in that slip dress.

Stacy - Slip dress? (starts changing clothes) In fact, I'd say you're my first-best friend. And Tiffany's my second-best friend. Sandi's my third-best friend. Although sometimes Tiffany's third and Sandi's second. But you're always first.

Quinn - Um, okay, whatever.

Stacy - Quinn, who do you like best? (emerges in slip dress)

Quinn - Stacy! I'm trying to read this article on eyelashes.

Stacy - Oh, right, sorry.

Quinn - Ugh! I can't believe she's wearing it! Slip dresses are so over!

Stacy - (giggles nervously) Yeah, slip dresses are so over. (goes into closet) So, Quinn, want to go to a movie?

Quinn - Sure. What do you want to see?

Stacy - I don't know, whatever you want to see. (emerges dressed like Quinn)

Quinn - What are you wearing?

Stacy - What do you want me to wear?

Quinn - And what's that?

Stacy - I thought we could color our hair the same shade.

Quinn - Um, I gotta go.

(Quinn runs away)

(thunder crashes)

(at Grove Hills)

Lara - They say high school's supposed to be the happiest time of your life.

Daria - Only if your life is extremely short.

Graham - Exactly. You're funny.

Jodie - See what happens when you give people a chance?

Graham - Our happiest years will begin when we make our first million. I can't wait to stroll down the Riviera with a model on each arm.

Daria - Gee, that's interesting. I guess you can be intellectually gifted and still be morally bankrupt.

Graham - I certainly hope so. (laughs)

Lara - Oh, my God.

Graham - I can't believe David has the nerve to show up.

Lara - Who does he think he is?

Jodie - What did he do? Cheat on a test?

Cassidy - Worse. We got our S.A.T. scores back today. David's were only in the 90th percentile. Idiot.

Lara - I just can't hang out with him anymore. He's too... banal.

Graham - And he used to be so interesting.

Daria - Thank God for standardized tests. Otherwise you'd never know who your real friends are.

Graham - Right. I mean... amusing.

Daria - See what happens when you give people a chance?

Jodie - (exasperated) Daria...! Hey, guys, wait up.

(at Jane's house)

(Jane answers door, surprised to find Quinn there)

(at Jane's house)

Jane - What are you doing here?

Quinn - Um, I need to use your phone.

Jane - What's wrong with your phone?

Quinn - Nothing. Can I spend the night?

Jane - Are you kidding?

Quinn - My mother says I can't stay home alone.

Jane - I won't say a word. I'll even spring for the keg, but you have to pay for the dry cleaning.

Quinn - It's too last-minute to throw a party.

Jane - Then just talk on the phone all night. Ask your friends, if they could be a nail polish, what color they would be and why.

Quinn - I'm sick of that game.

Jane - You're afraid to go home.

Quinn - I am not!

Jane - Sorry, no vacancies.

Quinn - All right, I'm afraid! There's mass serial puppy killers and stuff. Come on. Please?

Jane - I'm going to regret this. (lets Quinn in) Never mind, I already do.

(at Grove Hills; parent gathering)

Speaker - Here at Grove Hills, we strongly believe that parental involvement is imperative.

Helen - I couldn't agree more.

Speaker - As a Grove Hills parent, you'll be attending monthly board meetings, weekend cleanup parties, fund-raising drives... do you collate?

Helen - Um, sure. I mean, I would if I had the time, which isn't often. I'll try to be here, schedule permitting.

Parent - I was wondering, just how many students go on to top colleges?

Speaker - 91 percent.

Parent - And what kind of schools do the other nine percent go to?

Speaker - Well, some students require a bit of... rest after Grove Hills.

(murmuring)

Andrew - What kind of rest?

Speaker - Oh, you know, some time away from the pressure of grades and away from the pressure of competition... and occasionally away from the pressure of dressing and feeding themselves.

(at Grove Hills; student gathering)

Lara - Before I came here I was an intellectual outcast. They made fun of me for quoting Ayn Rand.

Jodie - Actually, I think she's pretty disturbing...

Graham - That's not the point. The point is that you know who she is, and that at Grove Hills, you can discuss her with people like us, instead of idiots and fools and a quarterback who tells the whole school you shower in a towel. I'd like to see a quarterback write a paper on Mao.

Jodie - I think the Cultural Revolution is...

Graham - You have an awful lot to say for someone who doesn't even go to this school yet.

Jodie - What's that supposed to mean?

Graham - It means why don't we see whether you get in to Grove Hills before we start listening to your opinions.

Jodie - Hey! Just because some jock made you feel like the loser you are, don't take it out on me.

Graham - I'm not a loser! I have a 165 I.Q.!

Jodie - Who cares? You're still boring and miserable! Try taking your head out of your butt for once and opening up your myopic little eyes. Or doesn't your 165 I.Q. make you smart enough to see the way you really are? (leaves)

Graham - I'll make sure you never set foot in this school again!

Daria - That's a relief. For a minute there I thought you were going to threaten us. (leaves)

(outside)

Daria - Admit it. That felt good.

Jodie - Well, a little. Okay, a lot.

Daria - Busting on jerks like Graham is one of life's few pleasures. You should try it more often.

Jodie - Oh, shut up.

Daria - Um, good start.

Jodie - You realize your negative approach to everything is self-defeating, right?

Daria - Well, it's nice to know there's someone I can defeat.

Jodie - I mean, you may spare yourself some pain by cutting everyone off, but you miss out on a lot of good stuff, too.

Daria - Look, Jodie, I'm too smart and too sensitive to live in a world like ours at a time like this with a sister like mine. Maybe I do miss out on stuff, but this attitude is what works for me now.

Jodie - Then you'll understand what works for me now. At home, I'm Jodie. I can say or do whatever feels right. But at school, I'm the Queen of the Negroes. The perfect African-American teen. The role model for all of the other African-American teens at Lawndale. Oops! Where'd they go? Believe me, I'd like to be more like you.

Daria - Well, I have to admit, there are times when I'd like to be more like you.

Jodie - Really?

Daria - I'm not saying all the time.

Jodie - So, Lawndale or Grove Hills?

Daria - I'm sticking with Lawndale. If I came here, I'd end up poisoning the sloppy joe mix.

Jodie - Yeah, you're right. I'm pushed to the breaking point being Miss Model Student at Lawndale. A year here might kill me.

(at Jane's house)

Quinn - I mean, he was really nice and cute and stuff but he was only two inches taller than me, and my entire shoe collection is based on the concept of dating guys three inches taller than me or more. (looks at Jane's painting) I don't get abstract art. Who wants to look at a bunch of squiggly six-eyed people when you can get those really pretty cat paintings on the shopping network? Not that I would ever waste money on art.

Trent - Hey, Janey. You got any money?

Quinn - Money? Are you going out? I wouldn't mind going out for a while. Of course, I don't know if I'd want to go out with someone dressed like that.

Trent - Uh, who are you?

Jane - You remember Quinn, Daria's sister?

Trent - Oh, yeah. Daria's sister. Hey.

Quinn - Excuse me, I have a name.

Trent - Right. Daria's sister. (turns on TV)

Quinn - Ugh!

SSW Reporter - You mean you want him back? Even though he tied you to a chair and left it on an eight-lane highway in the middle of rush hour?

Woman - He got carried away by the moment.

Quinn - Ewww! How can she go on TV looking like that?

(in the Morgendorffer car)

Helen - So you're sure you don't want to go to Grove Hills?

Daria - Positive. Why go to a special school to learn useless information when I can do it at Lawndale for free?

Helen - Well, Daria, your father and I think you're passing up an important opportunity.

Jake - But you said... (Helen smacks Jake) Ooh!

Helen - However, we said we'd respect your decision, and a promise is a promise.

Daria - Really? So I can have that pony now?

Helen - If you change your mind, sweetie, you just let us know, all right?

Daria - By the way, what did you think of the Landons?

Jake - Very nice!

Helen - Yes, very nice, very nice.

Daria - You ticked them off.

Helen - No, no, no, no.

Jake - Yes.

(in the Landon car)

Michele - Of course you don't have to go to Grove Hills. I'd never ask you to do anything you'd regret.

Andrew - Oh... me neither.

Jodie - So, what do you think of the Morgendorffers?

Michele - What a couple of head cases.

(outside Daria's house)

Jake - Mortgage, sweet mortgage! What do you want to do now, honey?

Helen - Trial separation?

(Jake laughs nervously)

(Quinn walks up the street, pushed by Jane)

Quinn - And then the other thing is, who came up with the name "tennis bracelet" anyway? It sounds like some kind of a sweatband, if you ask me. You know what I'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn't that sound festive?

Jake - (frazzled) Take... her... now.

Daria - This story I've gotta hear.

(in Ms. Barch's study hall)

(Jane draws Quinn with a bullet hole in her head)

(Brittany shows Jodie her drawing)

Jodie - Rent a brain.

Brittany - Hmph!

Daria - (picks up Jodie's book) How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Jodie - It's not bad. It's about all the things a good attitude can get you.

Daria - Oh. This is about attitude as well. (holds up Hearts of Darkness) "A young man's journey into unknown territory brings him face-to-face with the savage brutality within his own soul."

(Jodie and Daria open their books and begin to read)