Written by Anne D. Bernstein
(Transcript created by Richard Lobinske)
(opening theme song)
(at the Lane house)
(close-up on TV screen showing a cigarette-smoking monkey pounding on a computer keyboard)
SSW Announcer - Can monkeys surf the net... and corrupt our kids? Chimpanzee chat rooms, next on Sick, Sad World.
(pull back to reveal Daria seated on Jane's bed, remote control in hand; suddenly, a glue gun appears, aimed at her head)
Daria - Put down your weapon. I surrender.
(pull back to reveal that Jane, of course, is holding the glue gun; she's been working on several sculptures)
Jane - A little respect for the Stickmata 5000. Finest glue gun on the market.
Daria - And I thought you were on your way to a sci-fi convention.
Jane - (kneeling) No, thanks. Reality is bizarre enough for me. (glues objects onto sculptures) Why do I get so much fun out of this?
Daria - Past life as a barnacle? (reaches out to touch one of the sculptures)
Jane - Don't touch! It took hours to build. It's the subject of a painting.
Daria - You're going to end up one of those old ladies who build their houses out of bottles, aren't you.
(suddenly, the loud sound of a guitar shakes room and cause the sculpture that Daria was about to touch to collapse)
Daria - There goes your genius grant.
Jane - Yeah, but maybe Trent will share his with me.
Daria - That's Trent?
Jane - (gets up) Come on, Daria. Let's go complain about the noise, hmm?
Daria - I don't find it a problem. Um, I have unusually sturdy eardrums?
Jane - I think Trent's band might have an opening for a fly girl. (grabs Daria by the arm as she leaves the room)
Daria - I think I might have an opening for a new friend.
(they descend into the basement as another guitar riff shakes the house, only this time there are two distinct guitar sounds)
Daria - Isn't that two guitars?
Jane - Yeah. The other one's Jesse. He plays rhythm in Mystik Spiral.
Daria - "Mystik Spiral"?
Jane - Trent's band.
Daria - Sounds like one of those Doors cover bands that play brew pubs.
Jane - Heh, they wish!
(Trent and Jesse start playing guitars; they aren't exactly Jimmy Page and Jimi Hendrix)
Trent - (singing) "You're an angel in black / You sure have a knack / For putting my heart on a shelf in the back / I'm waiting my turn / Oh, when will I learn? / My poor heart, you're giving it freezer burn. Yeah..."
(they resume playing; it hasn't improved)
Jane - Yo, Trent! (guitar playing stops) You wanna turn it down a bit?
Trent - Are you kidding? Hey, Daria.
Daria - (VO) Can't speak... must speak... (spoken) Hey.
Trent - Whadda ya think of the song?
Daria - (VO) It has a beat and you can dance to it, if you have no shame. (spoken) Cool.
Trent - It's called "Icebox Woman."
Jesse - You guys oughta come to the next Mystik Spiral gig. We'll put you on the list.
Jane - Daria thinks the name Mystik Spiral sounds like a Doors cover band that plays brew pubs. Don't ya, Daria?
Daria - That's not exactly what I...
Trent - Hmmm... maybe you're right. Would it help if we spelled mystik with two Y's?
Daria - (VO) And I'll spell my name D-A-R-Y-A and be crowned Miss America. (spoken) It might.
Jesse - We doing a show this weekend?
Trent - Nah, we're going to Alternapalooza this weekend.
Jane - You're going to Alternapalooza?
Jesse - Yeah. It's way out in Swedesville.
Jane - You think your car will make it?
Jesse - We're borrowing our drummer's van, the Tank. It's indestructible.
Trent - Yeah, but you know, Jess, it eats gas. I don't know what we're going to do for gas money.
Jane - I could probably scrounge some up, if you let us come along. We'd enjoy that, wouldn't we, Daria?
Daria - (VO) Pass me a guitar string so that I might silence my friend. (spoken) Uh-huh.
Trent - Okay, cool, we're there. If you can stand being cooped up in a van with Jesse and me for four hours.
(Daria now looks like a deer frozen in a car's headlights)
(at Cashman's Department Store)
(the Fashion Club members are examining clothes for "alternative" fashions, in preparation for Alternapalooza)
Sandi - Friends don't let short-waisted friends wear hip-huggers.
Stacy - (holds up dress with a security tag attached) I hate these big plastic things. They're so ugly!
Quinn - If I were gonna shoplift, I wouldn't take that cheap thing.
Sandi - Quinn, cheap is in this season.
Quinn - Oh, then get it, definitely.
Tiffany - Why are we going to Alternapalooza? Ugh. Isn't that for girls who don't shave?
Sandi - As members of the Fashion Club, we have to keep up with the latest trends in music and clothes.
Quinn - And show everyone that popular kids can be as alternative as geeks.
Tiffany - (holds up an outfit) Is this alternative?
Sandi - If you tuck the top in, no. If you let it hang out, yes.
Quinn - Do I have to wear clunky shoes?
Sandi - (sighs) When you wear big shoes, the rest of you looks even cuter by comparison.
Quinn - Oh. I get it. Maybe I'll shave my head!
Tiffany - You crack me up, Quinn.
Quinn - Look, temporary tattoos. Woo-hoo!
(Sandi looks, then nods in approval)
(at the Morgendorffer house)
(the family is sitting around the kitchen table)
Helen - Quinn, what is that thing on your arm? (points at tattoo on Quinn's arm)
Quinn - Don't worry, Mom. It's fake.
Daria - Aww, you got a tattoo to match your personality.
Quinn - I'm going to Alternapalooza this weekend. This is so I'll fit in.
Daria - And if some guy named Pigpen asks you to be his old lady, hell, you'll be ready.
Quinn - I'm also thinking of having my belly button pierced at the mall...
Jake - What? No daughter of mine is going to mutilate her body for the sake of some fad!
Quinn - Then can I have $29.95 for a removable nose ring? No piercing required!
Daria - Good idea. You don't need any more holes in your head.
Helen - Daria...
Quinn - Hey, Mom, did you go to any festivals back in the sixties?
Helen - Oh, sure. I did my share of partying.
Daria - You mean you experimented with...
Helen - No! Your father went to one of the most famous festivals of the decade.
Quinn - Woodstock?
Jake - Altamont! Terrible tragedy, but I demanded my money back and I got it.
Daria - Wasn't Altamont free?
Jake - (laughs) That's the same line they tried to use on me.
(in Quinn's room, Quinn is trying on different outfits, tossing various rejected clothes all over her room)
(in Daria's room, Daria opens her closet to show it's almost empty)
(back in Quinn's room, Quinn is posing in front of her mirror when Daria enters, clad in jeans and a black T-shirt)
Daria - Where'd you get that eye-popping polyester number?
Quinn - Daria, it's all about knowing where to shop. (sees Daria's outfit) Wow, you look almost normal. Is this some kind of trick?
Daria - No. I'm going to Alternapalooza.
Quinn - (panics) Ah!
Daria - Don't panic. I think we'll be able to lose each other in a crowd of ten thousand.
Quinn - I guess. You're not going to Alternapalooza with that top tucked in, are you?
(in the living room, Jake and Helen area seated on a sofa when Daria enters; her T-shirt is no longer tucked into her jeans)
Helen - Have fun at the concert dear.
Daria - Um, thanks.
Jake - (laughs) Hey, stay away from the brown...
Helen - Jake!
Jake - Remember, Daria: just say no. Here's a twenty, for souvenirs or what have you. I gave one to Quinn, too. Get yourself something rad.
Daria - (takes bill) Thanks. Uh, what are you guys gonna do today?
Helen - Pay the bills.
Jake - Wash the cars.
Daria - Wow. Well, remember to take plenty of rest breaks and stay hydrated. Bye.
(Daria exits; Helen and Jake run to the window to watch her leave)
(at the Morgendorffer house)
(outside, Daria and Jane wait for Trent and Jesse to arrive)
Jane - (faux French accent) Oooh, la la. Is that lipstick?
(Daria covers her mouth with her hand)
Daria - I just had a lollipop.
Jane - Sure you did, kid.
(the Tank pulls up and stops; Trent is driving, Jesse is in the passenger seat)
Trent - Ready? Sorry, there's only two seats up here, but there's plenty of space in the back.
Jane - (opens sliding door) Daria, why don't you sit in front with Trent?
Daria - Oh, I'd much rather be in the back with you, Jane. (sotto voce) Easier to get to your neck.
Jesse - Girl talk, huh?
Jane - You know Daria. She's a regular chatterbox.
(Jane sits on a steamer trunk; Daria bumps her head getting in, closes the door, and sits beside Jane on the trunk)
Trent - Watch your head.
(the Tank drives off; moments later, a yellow convertible parks in the driveway and a Jeep parks at the curb)
(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie get out of the convertible and walk up to the front door)
Joey - You know the problem with alternative bands?
Jeffy - Uh, they're a bunch of cry-babies who suck at sports?
Joey - Yeah!
(Jamie rings doorbell while all three laugh)
Jamie - Ya think the chicks at this thing will be pierced?
Joey - Piercing is so stupid.
Jeffy - It's bad enough when they have braces.
(Quinn opens the door; she's sporting a nose ring)
Jamie - Cool nose ring, Quinn!
Jeffy - You look really alternative!
Joey - Yeah, I never realized your nose was so... hot!
(inside the Tank)
Jane - ("tough girl" accent) - Yo, hi. I'm Dolores. I'm doing ten to fifteen for armed robbery. What are you in for?
Daria - My head hurts.
Jane - (still with the accent) The cops did that to you, didn't they? Bastards.
(the Tank pulls up to a toll booth)
Trent - Hey, Jane, got any change?
Jane - Hey, Trent, got any shame? I already gave you all my cash.
(Trent digs change from pocket and pays toll before driving away)
Jesse - Oh, man. That was Curtis Stalano.
Jane - Who?
Trent - He graduated with us. Now he's working in a toll booth. Whoa.
Jesse - You'd never catch me in a job like that.
Daria (VO) - Because it falls under the category of employment.
Trent - Hey man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years.
Daria (VO) - Still living over your parent's garage?
Jane (loud whisper) - Say it, Daria. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours.
Jesse - We've got a vision.
Trent - Eyes on the prize, man. Eyes on the prize.
Jesse - Yeah, and this guy's not about selling out.
Trent - No way.
Jane - 'Cause for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying. (pause) Well, someone had to pick up the slack!
(they drive past a billboard advertising new homes for sale)
Trent - (reading billboard) "If you lived here, you'd be home by now."
Daria - And bored out of your mind. (raises hand to mouth when she realizes she blurted that one out)
(Trent and Jesse laugh)
Trent - Good one, Daria.
(the Tank speeds up and swerves to pass a slow-moving car)
Daria - Can somebody open up a window, please?
Trent - Wish I could. All the handles are missing.
(the Tank goes over bump, knocking Daria and Jane off trunk)
Trent - Whoa. (short laugh) Didn't see that one coming.
Jane - (peeved) Let us know if you do see one coming.
Jesse - Anybody else smell peanut butter?
Daria - What am I sitting on?
(Daria turns to face away from Jane, who peels a sandwich off of Daria's butt)
Jane - Looks like a sandwich... and it's an antique!
(elsewhere on the road, Kevin is driving his jeep, Brittany is talking on a cellphone in the passenger seat, while Jodie and Mack sit in the back seat)
Brittany - (into phone) I can't believe it! Gordon and Victoria? She's six inches taller than him! What's she thinking?
(Brittany lashes arm out in surprise, hitting Kevin and causing the Jeep to swerve)
(meanwhile, back in the Tank, a bee flies around inside)
Jesse - That peanut butter is making me hungry.
Jane - Killer bee alert!
Daria - Great.
Jane - Hey, Jesse, hand me that map?
(Jesse hands her a rolled up-map; cut to view of Trent and Jesse)
Jane (VO) - Come here, you stupid... hold still, Daria... you're mine sting boy...
(sound of paper slapping against something)
Daria (VO) - Ouch!
(cut to Daria; she's rubbing a large, red sting welt that is forming on her forearm)
Daria - It stung me!
Jane - He'll never do it again.
Daria - Why didn't I just stay home, where it's nice and quiet and nothing ever happens?
(outside the Morgendorffer house, silhouettes of Jake and Helen can be seen through the large corner window; Jake is chasing her around the living room)
Jake - Woooo!
Helen - Stop!
Jake - Oooh! Foxy lady!
(both laugh and continue the chase)
(the Tank parks at Mom's Diner and all four get out)
Jane - I hate to tell you this, but there's a big, greasy spot of peanut buttery goodness on your butt.
Daria - Of course there is.
(all four are seated at a booth inside the diner, Jesse and Trent on one side, Daria and Jane on the other, while a waitress takes their order)
Waitress - Okay, that's a meatloaf, open turkey with fries, box of Frosted Flakes... those are pretty small, hon. Just one?
Jesse - You're right. Make it five.
Waitress - (to Daria) And you?
Daria - Dry toast and tea, please.
Waitress - I thought you looked depressed. You want a booster seat? (short laugh before turning and yelling) Five boxes of flakes and one nausea delight! (normal voice) You kids going to that rock 'n roll shindig out near Swedesville?
Daria - No. We made a wrong turn on our way to Paris.
(Jane, Trent and Jesse laugh)
Waitress - You've got a mouth on ya, don't ya?
Daria - Why?
Waitress - Ever thought of becoming a waitress?
(on the road, Sandi is driving a yellow convertible, with Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie all crammed in with her)
Quinn - What's that smell?
Stacy - Uck! A skunk!
(top on the convertible rises and the car speeds up)
(at Mom's diner, Daria and Jane are in the women's bathroom)
Daria - Can you rig that glue gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.
Jane - Well, you're not your usually sunny self.
Daria - (scowling) I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...
Jane - And all in front of Trent.
Daria - Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there. You go on to Alternapalooza; tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.
Jane - Daria, if there's one thing I know about my brother is that he's oblivious. There's no need to be self-conscious.
Daria - (sighs) Okay.
Jane - Now what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt?
(Daria glares at Jane)
Jane - I'm kidding! It looks alternative.
(on the road, the Tank is stuck in bumper to bumper traffic; slow montage of Daria, Jane, Jesse, and Trent's faces)
Trent - This is like that R.E.M. video, except you can't read anyone's mind.
(the text "Thank God" is shown under Daria's face)
(cut to exterior view of stalled traffic and cars honking horns, then back to inside the Tank)
Daria - (loudly) I shouldn't have had that tea.
Jane - (loudly) You have to go? There's some trees over there!
Trent - (loudly) What the matter, Daria? You gotta whiz?
Jesse - (loudly) What's wrong?
Trent - (loudly) It's Daria. She has to pee.
Jesse - (loudly) You have to pee, Daria? You can pee behind those trees. See those trees? You can pee behind there!
(Daria gets out of van and walks toward trees)
Daria - If I'm not back in ten minutes, don't send help.
(view of shrubs and trees along side of road)
Daria (VO) - I knew I should've taken ballet. (pause, then sound of squirrel) Stop staring at me, you squirrel pervert!
(Daria trips as she comes out from behind shrub)
Daria - Ow!
(Daria enters van and closes door)
Trent - Cool, Daria?
Daria - Yeah. I'm ready for my abuse, Mr. DeMille.
Trent - Hey, I think the traffic's letting up.
(traffic begins moving)
Daria - They're not going to make fun of me?
Jane - For peeing in the woods? They're in a band, Daria. Those boys puke on each other on a regular basis.
Jesse - (to Trent) That reminds me: you owe me a shirt.
(at Mom's diner, the Fashion Club and Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are standing at the entrance)
Tiffany - Ugh, stretch pants. Everywhere, stretch pants.
Stacy - Hey, these are stretch pants! I'm wearing stretch pants!
(Stacy panics and starts to hyperventilate; Sandi rushes over, grabs her arms, and shakes)
Sandi - They're leggings! They're leggings!
(Stacy lets out a high-pitched squeak of relief)
Sandi - It's all right.
(the same waitress as before walks over and looks at them)
Waitress - Three cheeseburger deluxe, four house salads. (pause) With oil and vinegar on the side!
(elsewhere, Kevin, Brittany, Mack, and Jodie are already sitting at a booth)
Brittany - What do you mean, they don't have bathrooms at this thing? Is this your idea of a joke?
Kevin - But, babe...
Jodie - Brittany, how can you be so naive? It's strictly portable toilets.
Brittany - No way! Gross! Next, you'll be telling me I have to sit on the ground!
(Kevin, Jodie, and Mack look at each other)
(inside the Tank; the four are playing a game to pass the time)
Jane - Your turn, Trent. We're up to D.
Trent - I'm going to the picnic, and I'm bringing asbestos insulation, brine shrimp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney... and a dromedary.
Daria - I'm going to the picnic, and I'm bringing asbestos insulation, brine shrimp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, a dromedary, and... a Eurocentric view of world history.
Jane - I'm going to the picnic, and I'm bringing...
(the van hits a bump and Daria's glasses fly off)
Daria - My glasses!
Trent - Sorry! Hey, Janey, I saw that one coming.
(Jesse holds up broken glasses)
Jesse - Don't worry. I can fix them.
Jane - Need the glue gun? (holds it aloft)
Daria - Keep that thing away from me. You'll miss and glue my eyelids shut.
Jesse - There's some tape in the back there.
(view of Daria's face with the bridge of her glasses held together with duct tape)
Daria - Duct tape. Great.
Jane - It's fine. It looks alternative.
(the Tank suddenly start sputtering, and Trent pulls it off the road before it finally dies, steam rising from engine)
Daria - Now my day's complete.
(Sandi's car and Kevin's Jeep drive past the Tank)
Stacy - (to Quinn) Wasn't that your cousin back there?
Quinn - (distracted by her mirror) What?
Sandi - What's that smell?
Stacy - Uck! Fertilizer!
(top on the convertible rises and the car speeds up)
(Trent, Jesse, Jane, and Daria are gathered in front of the Tank's open hood; Jane holds an engine part)
Jesse - What do we do now?
Jane - There's a noise wall up ahead. There must be houses behind it. Daria, you and Trent stay here; Jesse and I will find a phone and call for help. (leans in) Great plan, huh?
(Daria's wide-open eyes shows how great she thinks it is)
(Sandi and Kevin's cars drive past a sign for the Wappington Mills Outlet Center)
Quinn - Outlet shopping!
Sandi - Change of plan!
(Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie start to protest as Stacy starts making triangle hand motions to Kevin's Jeep)
Mack - What is that? A pyramid?
Jodie - A mountain?
Kevin - A square?
(Sandi's car exits highway next to sign for outlet center)
Brittany - A clothes hanger! Outlet shopping!
(Brittany grabs steering wheel and drives Jeep onto exit)
Kevin - Heeeey!
(roadside, Daria sits next to Trent, who is tuning an acoustic guitar)
Daria - What chord is that?
Trent - G.
Daria - Oh. (pause) Umm, nice tattoo. Tribal?
Trent - Maori. I copied it out of Tattoo World's international issue.
Daria - Very graphic, and meaningful.
Trent - Yeah, it makes a statement. You know what it is?
Daria (VO) - I got a tattoo out of a magazine?
Trent - I got a tattoo out of a magazine.
Daria - I guess it's better than trying to copy one off the TV.
Trent - Daria, do you ever feel like maybe you're wasting your life?
Daria - Only when I'm awake.
Trent - Like, no money, no job, you live with your parents, and you still can't play an open D tuning.
Daria - Well, I haven't had those exact thoughts...
Trent - Maybe I will end up a townie doing Doors covers. I mean, who's to say, right?
Daria - Umm, you know, Trent, it takes a lot of guts to go after a dream, especially when you know that failure can mean spending the rest of your life playing "L.A. Woman"... in public.
Trent - Hmm. I guess.
Daria - And even if it doesn't work out, at least for now you're doing exactly what you want to.
Trent - Yeah, that's true.
Daria - A lot of people never even get that far.
Trent - I guess I'm not doing too bad. You know, Daria, sometimes it's hard to believe you're in high school.
Daria - I find the situation unbelievable myself.
Trent - You're pretty cool.
Daria - Thanks. (she smiles)
Jane (VO) - Yo.
(Jane and Jesse enter)
Trent - So?
Jane - There was nothing behind that wall but a cornfield, and the corn wasn't very helpful.
Jesse - Helpful Corn! That's a cool name for the band.
Trent - Even better than Mystik Spiral, huh, Daria? (he winks at Daria)
(Jane uses the glue gun on an engine line; cut to Trent in the driver's seat as he succeeds in starting the engine)
Trent - (leans out window) All right.
Jane - (holds up gun) I knew this would come in handy.
Daria - Stop pointing that thing at me!
Jesse - Let's go. We can still catch some of the show.
(heavy traffic on road going away from concert)
Jane - Uh, maybe not.
(two guys approach with a third guy supported between them; the third guy is quite stoned)
Trent - Why's everybody going the wrong way?
Guy #1 - The concert's over, man.
Stoned Guy - It was amazing. Where am I?
Jesse - Is he all right?
Guy #2 - Oh, yeah, he's cool... just, you know, a little sleepy.
Stoned Guy - (looks at Daria) Are you my Mommy?
(Daria rolls her eyes)
(the Tank driving back at night; Daria, smiling, sits up front, while Jane and Jesse lean against each other, asleep, in back)
(at the Morgendorffer house)
(in the morning, Jake and Helen are in the kitchen; they're eyeing each other as Helen hums and makes pancakes -- in a very seductive manner -- on the countertop grill)
Helen - I should really make pancakes more often. The batter's so sensual.
Jake - Like batter, like chef!
(Daria and Quinn enter)
Helen - Hi, girls.
Jake - How was the festival?
(Daria and Quinn look at the other and quickly exit; Helen and Jake go back to eyeing each other)