Written by Larry Doyle
(Transcript created by Richard Lobinske)
(opening theme song)
(on the streets of downtown Lawndale, Kevin stands on the sidewalk, his face in "ugly" makeup; he attempts to greet various passers-by, but no matter how animated and insistent he becomes, they all ignore him, until finally...)
Kevin - Aw, man!
(at Lawndale High)
(Sandi is talking to Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie in the hallway)
Sandi - So I said, "Sure, it's a nice car. Do you have enough gas to get to Loserville?"
(the boys laugh)
Joey - That's funny, Sandi!
Jeffy - You really know how to tell a story.
Sandi - Thanks.
Jamie - Tell us about the part with Quinn again.
Sandi - Quinn wasn't in that story. It was me, Tiffany, and Stacy.
Joey - Well, then, take Stacy out and put Quinn in.
Quinn - Hi, guys! Hi, Sandi! Hi, Joey, hi, Jeffy, hi, Johnny.
Joey - Hi, Quinn!
Jeffy - Hi, Quinn!
Jamie - Hi, Quinn! It's Jamie.
Quinn - Hi, Sandi...
(Sandi pointedly snubs her, then notices a crowd of girls paying attention to something and quietly murmuring approval)
Sandi - Oh.
(Sandi walks toward the crowd)
Joey - So, Quinn, I was wondering if...
Quinn - No. (follows Sandi)
(when both girls approach, they notice that the crowd is admiring a girl who's gotten a nose job)
Stacy - Oh, it's so cute!
Tiffany - It's the cutest.
Brooke - You think so? I told Dr. Shar...
Tiffany - Oh, Dr. Shar, she's the best.
Stacy - Everybody uses her.
Brooke - I told Dr. Shar that I wanted cute, but you know, not too cute.
Sandi - It's not too cute. It's cute, but not obnoxious about it.
Brooke - What do you think, Quinn?
(Quinn examines Brooke's nose)
Quinn - It's cute.
Brooke - Just cute?
Sandi - Quinn has very high nose standards.
Quinn - I said it was cute!
Sandi - Oh, like you meant it. "Oh, it's cute."
Quinn - Well, at least I thought about it. I didn't just say it was cute without thinking.
Sandi - Excuse me? Are you saying we're shallow?
Brooke - Wait, you guys were just saying it was cute?
Sandi - No, Quinn's just so deep, she thinks we would say something's cute when it's not cute, which we wouldn't.
Tiffany - No way.
Sandi - Example: I would never tell Quinn that she looks cute in that thing she always wears.
Quinn - I don't have a "thing" that I always wear.
Sandi - If you say so.
Quinn - I have lots of things which I wear at different times, far apart in time.
Sandi - As you wish.
Quinn - You're just mad because I said you're shallow. Which I meant in some other way!
Brooke - So then, it is cute?
Sandi - Let's ask an average person. Quinn, there's that girl you know. Let's ask her. (starts waving) Hello! Quinn's cousin or something.
(down the hallway, Daria and Jane are talking; they look to see Sandi waving for Daria to approach, and Quinn crossing her arms to tell Daria not to approach)
Daria - You'll have to excuse me. My sister wants me to stay away. (walks away as Jane smirks)
Sandi - So Quinn's little friend, or whatever, take a look at this.
(Daria examines Brooke's nose)
Daria - What is it?
Tiffany - It's Brooke's new nose. Isn't is cute?
Daria - Don't worry, it'll grow out.
(at the Morgendorffer house)
(the family is sitting around the kitchen table)
Quinn - So I said I thought it was cute.
Jake - Really.
Quinn - Why doesn't anyone believe me?
Helen - What was wrong with Brooke's old nose?
Quinn - It wasn't cute. It had, like, an extra bone in it.
(Jake drops his fork onto his plate)
Daria - Hey, it's almost time for dessert. Can we discuss liposuction now?
Helen - I just don't like the idea of you girls talking about cosmetic surgery. Maybe when you're older, and you're doing it for yourself, or there's a sound professional reason for it. I mean, you need to be presentable. Yes, it's a double standard, but women in business are judged on their looks, and there's no getting around that. But breast implants? I just don't know.
Quinn - Right.
Helen - I mean, when a woman is elected president, it won't be because she got breast implants.
Daria - At least her people will deny it.
Helen - Jake? I could use some help here.
Jake - Um, no, honey, you look great. Everybody looks great. Perfect!
Helen - That's not what I...
Quinn - I'm not perfect. My nose has inperfections.
Jake - That's imperfections, sweetie.
Quinn - (brings hands to face) I knew it!
Jake - Aw, hell.
(in Quinn's room, Quinn is looking into her mirror and pushing the tip of her nose up with a finger; she does this several times, with Daria looking on from the doorway, before we hear a loud "snap")
Quinn - Ow!
Daria - Wanna borrow my stapler?
Quinn - Ugh! (slams door in Daria's face)
(at Lawndale High)
(Quinn is sneaking through the halls, destination unknown)
(in Ms. Barch's class)
Ms. Barch - Now, Kevin, what happened last week when you walked down the street saying hello to people?
(Kevin, still in his ugly makeup, consults a sheet of paper)
Kevin - Twelve people smiled back, fifteen said hello, eight said hi.
Ms. Barch - And, Mr. Football Hero, what happened this week when you said hello to people wearing your special ugly face?
Kevin - Fourteen people pretended not to see me, five crossed the street to get away, seven ran, three called the police, and I'm pretty sure this one guy fired a shot.
Ms. Barch - And so, what does this experiment teach us about how the perception of attractiveness affects human behavior? Brittany?
Brittany - Oh, Kevvie, what have they done to you?
Kevin - It's just makeup, babe.
Brittany - Don't touch me, you freak!
(Kevin pulls cotton stuffing from mouth)
Kevin - Can I take this stuff off now? I don't like not being liked.
Ms. Barch - Put that back! You'll take it off when I crush your ego! Heh, I mean, when the experiment is over.
Ms. Li (VO the intercom) - Ms. Barch, will you please send Daria Morgendorffer to the office? Her sister...
Quinn (VO) - Cousin!
Ms. Li (VO) - Her cousin needs her.
Daria - I don't know how I'll make up the class work. (leaves)
Kevin - Not even the wart?
Ms. Barch - The wart's the best part!
(later, Daria and Quinn are seated on a city bus; Quinn is busying herself looking at the various advertisements scattered around the bus)
Quinn - What's rhinoplasty?
Daria - Exactly what it sounds like.
Quinn - Well, they could use it, I guess.
Daria - How are the cramps?
Quinn - Shut up.
Daria - I'm truly touched. Not only did you get out of class by faking sick, but you convinced the nurse to let your sister take you home. (pause) Of course, we don't appear to be going home...
Quinn - I need you to be my alibi.
Daria - Generally, you want your alibi not to be a witness at the scene of the crime.
Quinn - I just need you here, okay?
Daria - Uh, okay. (pause) Why?
Quinn - Why what?
Daria - Why me and not one of your hundreds of friends?
Quinn - I need, uh, someone who's known me for a while and who's like that thing.
Daria - What thing?
Quinn - You know, honest. (pause) Don't tell anyone. Or I'll just say you followed me.
Daria - Right. Good plan.
(at the RxPlex)
(Daria and Quinn are walking past different medical offices)
Quinn - I can't believe those guys went to see Dr. Shar without me.
Daria - How do you know they came here? How do you know they didn't just all go to the stuffed animal store without you?
Quinn - Did you see the way they looked at Brooke's nose? Where else could they have gone?
Daria - But they all have noses like yours.
Quinn - Rub it in, why don't you!
(at Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe)
(Daria and Quinn enter the waiting room)
TV Announcer (VO) - ...noticed how they are unshapely and reported it in a study conducted in 1982.
(Daria and Quinn look at TV, cut to image showing apes looking into water)
TV Announcer (VO) - From the first time man and woman gazed upon themselves in the ripples of a sun-dappled pool, human beings have been blessed, and burdened, by awareness of their own image. But what does this have to do with your thighs?
Daria - Now how are they going to explain this to the other monkeys?
Guy - We've been here an hour! When's my girlfriend gonna get her new rack?
Receptionist - Dr. Shar is very busy, sir. Quinn Morgendorffer!
Guy - Hey, wait! We were here first! (sees Daria walk past) Oh, whoa, emergency. I understand.
(Quinn and Daria enter Dr. Shar's office; the doctor, who looks like she underwent her own procedures a few times too often, is seated behind a desk, talking to a patient on the phone)
Dr. Shar - (into phone) Of course it's gonna be harder to breathe, hon. Those nostrils are itty-bitty compared to the ones you had. Try breathing through your mouth. Go on, try it! In, out. That sounds good. Again, sweetie. In, out. You keep that going! Bye! (hangs up) So, hello there, Quinn, whichever one of you is Quinn. What brings you here?
Quinn - It's my nose.
Dr. Shar - Oh, honey, nothing wrong with that nose. It's a pretty little schnoz!
Quinn - It's a schnoz?!
Dr. Shar - No! It's the tiniest little thing.
Quinn - Thank you. Can you fix it?
Dr. Shar - Oh, honey, I wouldn't touch it. It would be a crime against nature, and an ethics violation Dr. Shar just doesn't need right now! But, let's see if we can't do something. (camera focuses on Quinn) Quinn, would you like to see yourself with cheekbones?
Quinn - I have cheekbones.
(Dr. Shar manipulates image on computer to give Quinn prominent cheekbones)
Dr. Shar - We all do, honey, and maybe that baby fat will drop away and yours will show. You never know. But for twenty-three hundred dollars, this one month only, you can be sure.
Quinn - I don't have cheekbones!
(image of Quinn changes as Dr. Shar makes "improvements")
Dr. Shar - All right hon, let's make some lips... dimple you up... two more... something's missing... oh! I know! (beauty mark appears on image) And as long as we're here, let's do something about that hair. (Quinn's long red hair is replaced with curly blonde hair)
(Dr. Shar prints out the image, which looks almost nothing like the Quinn we know... which, of course, means...)
Quinn - I'm too cute!
Dr. Shar - And only six thousand dollars, so far. Anything else?
Daria - Could I see what she looks like with eyebrow ridges and a large sloping forehead?
Dr. Shar - All right, funny gal, your turn!
Daria - No. Thank you.
Dr. Shar - Nothing to be afraid of.
Daria - I'm not afraid.
Dr. Shar - It'll be fun!
Daria - I don't like fun.
Quinn - Come on, Daria.
(camera focuses on Daria)
Dr. Shar - Oh, where shall we begin? Hmmm... nose, chin, eyes, cheeks, lips, hair... alrighty! Let's have a look, okay?
(Dr. Shar quickly manipulates different parts of Daria's face and hair until the image looks exactly like Quinn)
Dr. Shar - It's a start!
Quinn - Oh, look, Daria, you're cute! Dr. Shar, do you think maybe I can get a couple more of these, wallet size?
(Dr. Shar's waiting room)
TV Announcer (VO) - We all know about the terrible atrocities caused by America's lust for veal, but here's something nice you can do for calves: calf implants!
Dr. Shar - Quinn, honey, I like your attitude. You're open to life's possibilities.
Quinn - I try to be.
Dr. Shar - But you, Daria... I hate to see a young lady give up on herself at such a early age.
Daria - I don't consider rejecting the Dr. Frankenstein approach giving up.
Dr. Shar - It puts a frown on my face, and I don't like having a frown on my face!
Daria - Maybe you can inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile.
(Dr. Shar gives Daria a box)
Dr. Shar - This is for you, Daria. Open it when you got some free time. Then I want you to examine it, get comfortable with it, think about it carefully. Change your attitude hon; change your life.
Daria - It's not leftover nose pieces, is it?
Dr. Shar - Humor may lift your spirits, Daria, but it takes a professional to lift your buttocks! (laughs) Doctor's joke! Have a nice day girls. And remember, money can make anyone look beautiful. (closes door)
(the same guy who was complaining to the receptionist comes up to Daria)
Guy - Don't worry, you're gonna be all right.
(Daria and Quinn on city bus)
Quinn - I'm a mess, and it'll cost six thousand dollars to fix.
Daria - You're not really going to take that woman seriously, are you? She earns her living making people feel bad about their looks.
Quinn - You're just mad because she figured you out. Dr. Shar is really smart about people.
(Daria opens the box Dr. Shar gave her)
Daria - Oh, yeah, she's got my number, all right. "Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations. For evaluation purposes only." She knew just what I needed. (lifts object out of box) Practice boobs.
(at the Morgendorffer house)
(split-screen between Daria and Jane on the phone in their respective bedrooms)
Daria - So, first she tells Quinn that she can fix her up for six thousand dollars.
Jane - Miss Pert 'N Pretty? What can she possibly need for six G's, other than a new personality?
Daria - Wait, there's more. Then she announces for twenty grand, she can fix me. Which means she can make me look like Quinn.
Jane - Sheesh, what would you want to look like that loser for? She needs six thousand dollars' worth of plastic surgery!
Daria - And then to top off the day, she sends me home with a pair of fake boobs. Says they'll change my attitude.
Jane - Boy, she was really trying to make you insecure.
Daria - I know. If I didn't have such low self-esteem, she might have gotten to me.
Jane - Anyway, I don't think your attitude's so bad. You probably only need one fake boob.
(at Lawndale High)
(Tiffany, Stacy, and Sandi all have bandages over their noses when Quinn enters)
Quinn - I'm really mad at you guys.
Sandi - Oh? Why is that?
Quinn - Because you all went to get nose jobs without me!
Sandi - But you would never get a nose job. You're not that shallow.
Quinn - How do you know?
Sandi - Because a really deep person like you has too many important things on her mind, like the news or something, to pay attention to her appearance.
Quinn - That's not true.
Sandi - But Quinn, what else could possibly account for your showing up at school in such a dated outfit?
Quinn - But you helped me buy this outfit!
Sandi - That was days ago. Weeks, if memory serves. Of course, so much time has passed, I could be wrong.
Quinn - Well, whatever. Anyway, I could've come along for moral support.
Tiffany - Like you were so supportive with Brooke?
Sandi - Ohmigod, look!
(Brooke enters, looking much more shapely)
Tiffany - It's Brooke.
Quinn - Oh no! She's beautiful!
(at Lawndale High)
(Brooke is showing off her shapely new body to the Fashion Club)
Brooke - Hi Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany... (looks at Quinn) ...everybody.
Everyone - Brooke!
Tiffany - Oh, my God. Brooke, you have such a cute waist! I didn't even know that you had one.
Brooke - I didn't! Dr. Shar liposucked one out for me.
Sandi - Excellent.
Brooke - Not only that, she took the fat, you know, that she sucked out, and gave me these luscious lips.
Stacy - It's like a dream come true.
Brooke - Dr. Shar says it'll only last a few months, but fortunately I still got my butt.
Brooke - No, seriously. Dr. Shar says the average female has enough fat in her butt to keep her lips luscious until she's, like, seventy.
Tiffany - God works in mysterious ways.
Sandi - Brooke, I must say, and I mean this in a not shallow way, you are totally cute now.
Stacy - Super cute!
Brooke - Wait, so does that mean I can join the Fashion Club?
Sandi - Who knows? We may have an opening soon. What's the rule? Last hired, first hired?
(Quinn now looks decidedly nervous)
(elsewhere, Daria and Jane are standing at Daria's locker)
Jane - You bring 'em?
Daria - Yeah.
(Kevin walks by in ugly makeup, cane, and humpback)
Jane - How's the science project?
Kevin - Okay. (rest is lost in cotton-mouthed mumble)
Daria - What?
Kevin - (takes stuffing out of mouth) Daria! Man, I need your advice. You're used to being unpopular.
Daria - Thanks.
Kevin - It's really bumming me out that people hate the way I look!
Daria - Well, a respectable member of the medical community once told me that money can make anyone look beautiful.
Kevin - Hey, thanks Daria. (stuffs cotton back into mouth and exits)
Jane - What do you think he thinks you meant?
Daria - What's the difference? He's gone.
Jane - True enough. Well, come on! Where are they?
Daria - In here. (points to locker)
Jane - Oh, Daria, don't be shy. Show me your boobs.
(with a sigh, Daria brings out the box and opens it to Jane's inspection)
Jane - Hmm. Why did I think this would be more interesting?
Upchuck - Good day, ladies! What's in the box? Art project? Science experiment? Adorable little pet? Arf!
Jane - A little of each, Upchuck. Take a look.
(Upchuck holds up implant in one hand)
Upchuck - Hmmm. Call me country bumpkin, but... what is it?
Jane - It's a fake boob.
(Upchuck shudders, drops the implant back in the box, and runs away with a screaming case of the willies)
Jane - I guess he's not quite ready for a physical relationship.
Quinn - Daria! Daria, I need to... (sees Jane) Shoo! Shoo! I need to borrow six thousand dollars.
Daria - I don't have six thousand dollars.
Quinn - It's an emergency!
Jane - Well, if it's an emergency... (reaches into pocket)
Quinn - Here's what you do. Tell Mom and Dad that Dr. Shar says you need human growth hormone. They'll believe that.
Jane - I would.
Quinn - But instead, Dr. Shar will do me and charge them for you, and you'll probably grow anyway!
Daria - Good plan, but what makes you think Dr. Shar's gonna go for this?
Quinn - It was her idea!
Daria - I can't have this on my conscience.
Quinn - You don't have a conscience.
Daria - What I meant was, I don't feel like it.
Quinn - You've got to! Where else am I gonna get six thousand dollars?
Jane - Take up a collection?
(Quinn smiles in appreciation and exits)
Daria - You're paying for my therapy.
(in the girls bathroom; Quinn is making her sales pitch to Andrea, who is applying eye makeup)
Quinn - So you see, when you contribute to my surgery, it's like we're all sharing the surgery. We're making a statement about solidarity!
Andrea - Solidarity?
Quinn - You know, sisterhood is powerful!
Andrea - Aren't you a little worried that there may be a hell?
(in Ms. Barch's classroom)
Quinn - It's not even like I'm doing that for me. I'm doing it to bring honor to the school.
Ms. Barch - Oh, well then, why don't you apply for a federal grant, dear. Send an inquiry to the U.S. Department of Deluded Adolescents.
Quinn - Is that E-N-T-E or E-N-T-S?
(in the cafeteria; Quinn is standing next to two boys, who are seated at a table)
Boy #1 - So, what do we get if we pledge?
Quinn - You get to look at me walking around like this all day. (shows picture from Dr. Shar)
Boy #2 - No, like, what do we get?
(both boys laugh, sounding vaguely reminiscent of a certain idiot duo from Highland, Texas)
Quinn - The same thing you're getting now: nothing.
(Quinn exits, leaving both boys confused)
(in the hallway; Daria, at her locker again, is approached by Quinn)
Daria - Pledge drive not going well?
Quinn - People are so shallow! Here, this is all I got and it's for you, from Upchuck.
Daria - Why?
Quinn - Deposit. He wants to rent that fake boob for the weekend.
Daria - Listen, Quinn...
Quinn - You know, maybe I should get boobs. I bet if I got some boobs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time.
Daria - Quinn...
Quinn - Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or something.
Daria - Quinn...
Quinn - I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vicious things! (melodramatic tone) Where will it end Daria? Where will it end?
Daria - You don't need surgery, Quinn. (sighs) I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I every said it, but there's nothing wrong with you. Physically. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it. You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.
Quinn - Why do I bother talking to you?
(Stacy and Tiffany enter, holding their noses amidst an alternating chorus of "ohmigods")
Quinn - Ohmigod what?
Stacy - Did you hear what happened to Brooke?
Quinn - Yeah, she's super cute.
Tiffany - She had a nasal relapse.
Stacy - We were just talking...
Tiffany - ...and it was horrible.
Stacy - The whole thing...
(at the Morgendorffer house)
(the family is seated around the kitchen table)
Quinn - ...just caved in.
Helen - That's horrible!
Quinn - You could, like, see her brain. Or, at least, that's what Tiffany heard from Doug who heard it from Brenda whose cousin works in the emergency room.
Daria - At another hospital. In Belgium.
Quinn - And her new lips, all the fat on the top slipped down to the bottom. Now she looks like one of those beer dogs on TV.
Helen - That poor girl.
Quinn - Yeah, now she looks even less cute than she did before. Maybe the Fashion Club should send her flowers or something. I mean, since I guess she won't be joining anytime soon.
Daria - You all must be very upset about that.
Quinn - Hmm. Well, we're like a built-in support group for each other.
Daria - A regular Khmer Rouge.
Quinn - Well, blush is more like it.
(in downtown Lawndale, people are lined up on the sidewalk in front of Kevin, who's still in his ugly makeup)
Kevin - Hi! How ya doing? Here's five bucks.
Guy #1 - Thanks, dude! Great to meet you.
Kevin - Hey, what's up? Here's five bucks.
Guy #2 - Thanks, man. You're pretty cool.
Kevin - Hey, cowboy, how would you like five dollars?
(kid starts to cry)
Kevin - Oh, hey, didn't mean to scare you, little guy! Make it ten.
Kid - You're really nice. I like you.