(opening theme song)

(at Lawndale High, in Mr. DeMartino's class)

Mr. DeMartino - And on that fateful day, his followers obediently drank the poison brew.

(students react with various "whoas" and "wows")

Mr. DeMartino - Jonestown: one charismatic leader exerting his demonic will over scores of followers. What lesson can we take from this tragic example of herd-like behavior? Kevin?

Kevin - Uh... BYOB?

Mr. DeMartino - Please return to your stupor, Kevin...

Kevin - Okay!

Mr. DeMartino - ...while we continue our discussion of cults! Can anyone give me another example of a group using coercive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and social isolation to achieve control over its members? Brittany?

Brittany - Cheerleading?

Mr. DeMartino - Ah, Brittany. Sometimes, despite a complete lack of insight, you stumble upon an interesting answer.

Brittany - Wow, and I didn't even have to read the chapter!

Jane - She'll never have to worry about mind control.

Daria - No, but she'll have to watch out for ferrets building a nest in her head.

Mr. DeMartino - Now remember, your term papers are due Friday, and no excuses will be accepted.

(bell rings)

(in the hallway, Quinn is talking with a blond-haired boy)

Ronnie - You want me to take over your baby-sitting job? I'm not sure, Quinn.

Quinn - Please? Just this once. You're the only person I can trust to do this, Ronnie. I can tell by your eyes...

Ronnie - Really?

Quinn - Yeah! They're so... sincere!

Ronnie - Well...

Quinn - And your face, it's very... honest! You're so nice, and dependable, and...

Ronnie - Nice? Sincere? (sighs) You're never gonna go out with me, are you?

Quinn - No.

(cut to Daria and Jane walking down the hallway)

Jane - Hey, there's Quinn with one of her many admirers.

Daria - She's well liked among classmates of both sexes, and yet, strangely, she turns my stomach.

Quinn - Well, I...

(Daria and Jane approach Quinn)

Daria - Quinn, some guy named Skylar was looking for you this morning.

Quinn - Oh, no! He figured out you're my sister?

Daria - Actually, he seemed to think I was your au pair. He asked me how I liked America so far.

Quinn - People are so weird!

Daria - Some are weird. Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful.

Jane - Later.

(Daria and Jane leave; Quinn makes a face at them)

Ronnie - Skylar Feldman?

Quinn - His family has a boat. It's almost summer!

Ronnie - Yeah, right. Ask him to baby sit for you.

Quinn - But he can't go out with me if he's baby-sitting.

Ronnie - Then try your sister. She seems like the type who has plenty of Saturday nights free.

(at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria and Quinn are seated on the sofa; Daria is watching television, Quinn is painting her toenails)

SSW Announcer - They bake cookies by day, but they really heat up the night! G-string grandmas, today on Sick, Sad World.

Quinn - Gross!

Daria - For once, we're in agreement.

Quinn - This color looks nothing like melon. It's way too pink. Oh, hey, Daria? What are you doing Saturday night?

Daria - Forget it. I don't like kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid.

Quinn - But you gotta take my baby-sitting job! I could end up all summer on some public beach. Six bucks an hour!

Daria - Oooh. I could make a down payment on that isolated mountain cabin.

Quinn - I'll pay you a two dollar an hour bonus. You can do your homework and earn money at the same time.

Daria - Well, there is that history paper I haven't started yet. But if I baby-sat for you, then technically, I'd be doing you a favor, and that simply cannot be.

(Helen walks into the living room, carrying her briefcase)

Helen - There's angel hair in the freezer, girls, and don't forget, tomorrow we're hosting the couples workshop. It's focus on teens night! I expect you to be there.

Quinn - Sorry, Mom, I have a date. Remember what you said on Saturday? A commitment's a commitment.

Helen - (sighs) Well, I guess I did say that. Well, I'll see you there, Daria.

Daria - I can't. I have a commitment.

Helen and Quinn - You?

Daria - ("I can't believe I'm saying this") I'm baby-sitting.

(in Quinn's room)

(Helen enters carrying folded laundry; she sets the basket down on the bed and holds up a baby-tee that looks too small for a Barbie doll)

Helen - Oh, no, the laundry shrank your shirt.

Quinn - No, they didn't.

Helen - Oh. (sighs) You know, I used to wear mini-skirts... but life goes on. Well, I was surprised to hear about Daria's baby-sitting job tomorrow night.

Quinn - Yeah! I was, too!

Helen - Especially since it's for the Guptys, and they usually call you.

Quinn - I know! People are so weird!

Helen - In fact, I think I remember something about you going over there tomorrow night?

Quinn - (grabs shirt) You know, I think they did shrink this shirt!

Helen - Quinn, how do you expect to get anywhere in this world if you don't stick to your commitments?

Quinn - But I didn't mean to double-book. It's hard to keep track of dates when you're attractive and popular.

Helen - I can't have another fiasco like last Saturday night. Think of how it must have felt when those three boys all showed up here at the same time!

Quinn - It felt great!

Helen - I meant for them. You know the time-management consultant I've been seeing?

Quinn - Doris Doright?

Helen - Deena Decker. I'm going to have to book us for a mother-daughter session.

Quinn - Like a class?

Helen - Think of it as a makeover. My treat.

Quinn - Well... okay.

Helen - I'm so excited! Talk about an efficient use of quality time!

(downstairs, Daria is on the phone with the Guptys, shown split-screen; Quinn is standing with a phone next to Daria, while both Guptys have phones in their hands)

Mr. Gupty - Now, Daria, I hope Quinn explained our rules. Were you planning on having a boyfriend in the house? Because, heh, we don't allow that.

Daria - No problem. I'm flying solo these days.

Mrs. Gupty - Then I guess it's not an issue.

Daria - Unless I pick up somebody on the way over.

Mrs. Gupty - What?

Quinn - (short laugh) She's kidding, Mrs. Gupty. My sister's a big kidder. (scowls) Ha, ha, Daria.

Daria - Ha, ha, Quinn.

Mr. Gupty - (short laugh) Well, you'll need a sense of humor to tangle with our devils.

Mrs. Gupty - Lester!

Mr. Gupty - No, seriously, they're great kids. See you Saturday, Daria.

Daria - Bye. (hangs up phone) Ten dollar surcharge if I have to spend more than fifteen minutes with the parents.

Quinn - That's fair.

(at Deena Decker's office)

Deena - Prioritizing: it's the first step towards streamlining your life. Helen, please share your list of priorities, stating the most important first.

Helen - One: spend more time with my family. Two: break through the firm's glass ceiling. Three: beat the pants oft Carly Fishbeck in the library board election. Four: get the spice back into my marriage.

Quinn - Mom!

Helen - Four: window treatments for the living room.

Deena - Great, and what are your priorities Quinn?

Quinn - One: dating. Two: shopping. Three: bouncy hair. Four: school.

Helen - You don't have to rush, sweetie. Maybe you would like to rethink the order.

Deena - Helen, Quinn is just being honest. We can't get anywhere unless we take a hard, honest look at what really matters to us.

Helen - One: get the spice back into my marriage.

Deena - Quinn, here's your very own Teen Life Runner, just like Mom's. (hands planner to Quinn)

Helen - My baby's all grown up.

Deena - Don't forget to enter this experience on your Proud Moments Summary Page.

Quinn - I can't use this thing. It's ugly!

Deena - Customized styles are available for an extra charge. (hands Quinn a catalog)

Quinn - I'll take the coral. Leatherette.

Deena - We also sell a matching lipstick and compact that fit right inside the planner.

Quinn - Now I'll be attractive, and popular, and organized!

(split-screen between Daria and Jane talking on phone; Daria is in her living room, Jane is in her bedroom getting dressed to go running)

Jane - If they start to drive you nuts, tell them you know this great game called "cemetery." They have to lie on the floor and pretend they're dead. The first one to move or make a sound loses.

Daria - This whole thing is giving me the creeps. I can't even think about that stupid history paper.

Jane - Relax. I'll be there by eight.

(Quinn marches by and looks out the window)

Quinn - Hey, Daria? What kind of car do you think that is?

Daria - See ya later.

Jane - Yeah.

(Daria hangs up phone and goes over to window)

Daria - Isn't that the nouveau riche sports sedan? (sees Quinn writing in her planner) What are you doing?

Quinn - Date evaluation system. Convertibles get bonus points. Coral! Is life great or what? Bye! (leaves)

(Daria looks at her wristwatch, sighs, and starts to leave; she passes Jake, who's also sitting in the living room and is holding a martini)

Jake - Hey Daria, where are you going? It's couples therapy night!

Daria - Baby-sitting job, Dad.

Jake - (mutters) Wish I had a baby-sitting job.

Daria - What?

Jake - Those couples, they're such a bunch of wimps. Always so freaking sensitive.

Daria - Hang in there, Dad. You'll meet some insensitive couples. I'm sure of it.

Jake - Thanks, kiddo!

(a short time later, Daria approaches the Gupty house with not a little trepidation, as their yard has a ton of cute objects scattered throughout)

(Daria walks up and rings doorbell; it's answered by Mrs. Gupty, who looks a little too much like a kewpie doll)

Daria - Hi, Mrs. Kewpie.

Mrs. Gupty - What?

Daria - (quickly recovers) Mrs. Gupty!

Mrs. Gupty - Please, Daria, call me Lauren. Come on in, we're almost ready.

(Daria enters and sits on sofa)

Daria - Hmm. (quietly sings) She'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes... she'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes...

(Daria picks up a framed photo of Tricia and Tad, and her humming abruptly stops as her childhood flashbacks begin)

(flashback #1: toddler Daria is seated at a table, baby Quinn in a high chair at the other side of the table, and a gray-haired woman is seated between them, attempting to feed Quinn; the table is a mess, and Quinn is crying)

Daria - Can we punish her now? It's time for her punishment! Can we punish her now?

(Daria throws a bowl of food that splatters on the table, as the babysitter puts her head down and sobs)

(flashback #2: a slightly older Daria and Quinn are fighting on the floor while an elderly woman with a cane watches helplessly)

Quinn - Brain!

Daria - Brat!

Quinn - Brain!

Daria - Brat!

Quinn - Brain!

Baby-sitter - Stop that! Stop that! Oh! (drops cane) It's my heart!

(flashback #3: a preteen Daria and a young Quinn are seated between their teenaged girl baby-sitter and her boyfriend; she's scowling, he's looking overwhelmed by the situation)

Daria - You know, she stuffs her bra.

Quinn - Hi, I'm Quinn. I'll be allowed to date in four years.

(flashbacks end)

Mr. Gupty - Here they are: the little monsters!

Mrs. Gupty - Lester!

(Daria stares in trepidation at the cute and smiling Tad and Tricia)

Mrs. Gupty - We don't let sitters use the phone, but we made an exception for Quinn after she explained that she calls her grandmother every hour.

Daria - My grandmother?

Mr. Gupty - To tell her to take her pill.

Daria - Oh, yeah. Actually, tonight it's my turn.

(the Guptys smile -- "aw, that's so sweet!")

Mrs. Gupty - Now, Daria, here's your schedule. As you can see, we've broken everything down into fifteen minute increments. Let's review it together.

Daria - Do you know a woman named Deena Decker, by any chance?

Mr. and Mrs. Gupty - Yes!

Daria - (reads schedule) 8:15, discuss current events. 8:30, snack. 8:45, post-snack flossing.

Mr. Gupty - And the vocabulary word for tonight is "indemnification."

Mrs. Gupty - We left food for you in the fridge. Have fun kids.

Tad and Tricia - Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!

(Mr. and Mrs. Gupty leave, leaving Daria and the kids sitting by themselves in the very quiet living room)

Daria - Okay, you can drop the angel act.

Tricia - What do you mean?

Tad - Is it time to floss yet?

(time passes)

Tricia - We're supposed to be discussing current events.

Daria - I have a headache. Is that current enough for you?

Tad - Is Quinn really your sister?

Daria - Yeah.

Tricia - Then how come her hair is so much bouncier than yours?

(time passes)

Daria - Oh, look, there's been a last-minute change in the schedule. It's time to watch TV.

Tad - But too much TV is bad for you.

Tricia - It can turn you into a zombie, Daria.

Daria - Well, that'll make three of us. (turns on TV and clicks the remote several times, but finds only the Forecast Channel) Your parents put one of those lock-out things on here, didn't they? All I'm getting is the Forecast Channel.

Tad and Tricia - Yay! The five-day report!

Tricia - That means the Midwestern Business Planner is next!

Tad - See, Tricia, I told you the barometric pressure was falling.

Tricia - Know-it-all.

(commercials start)

Tad - Commercials are bad.

Tricia - Commercials lie.

Daria - Let's move the snack up to 8:15. We'll get to flossing quicker.

Tad and Tricia - Yay!

(at Chez Pierre)

(Quinn and Skylar are seated at a table, their dinner already consumed)

Skylar - Quinn, I know that plenty of guys want to go out with you, and plenty of girls want to go out with me, and that makes me think we should be together.

Quinn - Oh, Skylar, you're number one in my book... by 14 points.

(with a slightly confused smile, he slides a credit card into the check folder)

Skylar - Will you excuse me? I'll be right back.

(after he leaves, Quinn pulls her planner from her purse and looks at the bill; she enters the amount, $86.75, in the calculator, writes a note, and places the planner back in her purse)

(at the Gupty house)

(Daria removes a tray with three labeled cups from the refrigerator and sits at a table with Tricia and Tad)

Daria - Raisins?

Tad - Raisins are nature's candy.

Daria - Then why do they have to cover them with chocolate to sell them at the movies?

Tricia - Sugar is bad.

Tad - Sugar rots your teeth.

Tricia - Sugar makes you hyper.

Tad - Hitler ate sugar.

(dissolve to Tad and Tricia's bedroom; they are holding hands and jumping on one of the beds, while a very warped, very scratched record is playing, one which skips in spots)

Tad and Tricia - (singing along with record) "I can hope and I can dream and I am full of, full of, full of, full of self-esteem! The hare and tortoise had a race, the tortoise won, he took first place, he knew he really passed the test because he did his very best. So very mad was Mr. Hare, he claimed the race, it wasn't fair, who won, who cares, it's all the same, what counts is how you play the game. I can hope and I can dream and I am full of, full of, full of, full of self-esteem!"

(Daria picks up the record and sees just how bad a condition it's in)

Daria - This record is shot. Why don't you ask your parents to get you the CD?

Tad - Compact discs were forced upon consumers so that record companies could increase their profit margins.

Daria - That's important for a six year old to know.

Tricia - Let's play it again!

(dissolve to Tad and Tricia lying on the floor, playing "cemetery"; Tad suddenly sneezes)

Tricia - I win!

Daria - Okay, that's enough "cemetery." Let's play a new game. It's called "lichen."

Tad and Tricia - Yeah!

Daria - Here are the rules. Lie on the floor and make believe you're a fungus on an old tree trunk. First one to move, or drop a spore, loses.

(Tad and Tricia resume their prone positions on the floor as Daria calls Jane)

Jane - Yo.

Daria - Hey, Grandma, it's time for your damn pill.

Jane - Huh?

Daria - You were supposed to be here an hour ago. I'm desperate.

Jane - I had to wait for my ride. Trent just got back from rehearsal. Relax, I'm on my way.

Tricia (through phone) - Tad dropped a spore!

Tad (through phone) - Did not! It was a raisin!

Daria - (pleading) Bring junk food...

(at the Gupty house)

(all three are in Tad and Tricia's bedroom, sitting on one of the beds)

Tricia - Quinn always lets me fix her hair.

Daria - Her bouncy hair? Find something else to do.

Tricia - I guess we can listen to the record some more.

Daria - Okay, the hair it is.

Tad - I'll shine your shoes!

(Tricia starts brushing Daria's hair while Tad shines her boots)

Daria - Do you always do exactly what adults tell you?

Tad - Yes!

Daria - Do you always believe everything they say?

Tricia - Yup!

Daria - But what if two adults say exactly opposite things?

(Tad starts to cry and runs off; Tricia pulls Daria's hair)

Daria - Ouch!

Tricia - You're mean!

(some time later, the doorbell rings; Daria opens the door, her hair done up in two pigtails)

Daria - Thank God you're here.

Jane - All hail, Pippi Longstocking. Hey Trent, come look at this!

(Daria pulls Jane in and slams door)

(in Tad and Tricia's room, Jane finishes putting Tricia into her pajamas)

Daria - Where did you learn to baby-sit?

Jane - I used to help with my sister Summer's kids, till they got old enough to run away.

Tad - Can I exfoliate your skin?

Daria - Quinn lets you do that?

Tad - Quinn doesn't need it.

Daria - Yes, well, you've used "exfoliate," our vocabulary word of the night, so now it's time for bed.

Tricia - But the vocabulary word for the night is "indemnification."

Daria - Made you say it.

Jane - Okay, kids, we're all suited up, so it's time to blast off to sleepy land!

Daria - I guess I just don't speak the language.

Tad - But you have to read us a bedtime story first.

Tricia - It's on the schedule.

Jane - Sure is. Right before ear canal irrigation and praying for world peace.

Daria - (looking through books) Mr. Potty Goes to Town... The Tidy Teddy Bear Family... Kaneesha's First Kwanza.

Jane - The Ten Arguments for the Elimination of Television Pop-Up Activity Book.

Daria - Isn't there something decent to read?

Jane - Got some old classics over here.

Daria - They'll do.

(times passes)

Daria - So Cinderella skipped the ball and asked her fairy Godmother to make her the first woman president. Realizing that the monarchy was becoming obsolete, the prince opened a video store.

Tad - That's not how it goes.

Tricia - But I like it better this way.

(times passes)

Jane - And then, the little engine decided that he just wasn't the competitive type.

(times passes)

Daria - So Old Mother Hubbard tracked down the deadbeat loser and made him pay child support.

(times passes)

Jane - And the dish ran away with the spoon, but Hawaii was the only state which would recognize the marriage as legal.

(times passes)

Daria - And the truth is, no one will ever ask to see your permanent record.

Tad - Wow, you guys are smart.

Daria - I think that's enough for tonight.

Tricia - Gee, Mom and Dad never told us that people can think for themselves.

Tad - Yeah, or that Tom Cruise is five foot four!

Tricia - Daria? Jane? How do we know that what you tell us is the truth?

Daria - You don't. And that's the greatest lesson of all.

Jane - We made up that part about aliens living under the North Pole.

Tricia - I thought so.

Jane - (laughs) Hey, the kid's gonna be all right!

(in the living room, Daria and Jane sit on the sofa as Jane punches buttons on the remote control)

Daria - Well, they're finally asleep. Think you can fix that?

Jane - Think I can fix it?

(she presses a button and successfully changes the channel)

SSW Announcer - Tonight, on Sick, Sad World, a prime-time special about people just like you, only more pathetic.

Daria - Just in time.

Jane - I guess you're not going to work on your paper.

Daria - I'll have to get an extension. Right now, I'm having trouble remembering my own name.

(Tad and Tricia enter)

Tad - Can we have a drink of water?

Tricia - Cool! Mud wrestling!

(time passes)

Tad - Oh, busted! Kick it to the curb, girlfriend!

Tricia - This is fun! You're my favorite baby-sitter, Daria.

Tad - Me, too!

Daria - Just don't tell your parents we let you stay up late.

Tad - Do we look stupid or something?

Daria - So much progress in one night.

(outside the Morgendorffer house)

Skylar - So, when do you want to go out again?

Quinn - How about a week from Thursday? I'm booked until then.

Skylar - I thought you were my girlfriend now.

Quinn - But I can't cancel all my other dates. I have to stick to my commitments. Besides, I wrote them down in pen.

Skylar - Wednesday, Eric? But he's my best friend! And who's Bob?

Quinn - No that's "B period O period B period." It stands for "boy on bike." I didn't catch his name.

Skylar - Let me see that!

Quinn - Hey!

(He tries to take planner away, page rips free)

Skylar - Wow, what's this! "Long term plans: September, break up with Skylar; October, go out with Taylor?"

Quinn - His parents have a ski house!

(at the Gupty house)

(Daria, snoozing on the sofa, wakes and quickly changes TV back to Forecast Channel seconds before Mr. and Mrs. Gupty walk in)

Mrs. Gupty - Hi, Daria. How did it go? Any problems?

Daria - It sure is hard to tear them away from their oral hygiene routines, but other than that...

Mr. Gupty - Well, thanks for coming over. We'd hate to miss Couple's Therapy Night.

Mrs. Gupty - I just love the new picture in your living room.

Daria - You were at my house?

Mrs. Gupty - Yes, and we had a breakthrough tonight. Your father cried.

(Daria's eyes widen with shock)

(at Lawndale High, in Mr. DeMartino's class)

Mr. DeMartino - Brittany, although your topic, "The Cult of Abs," was an intriguing one, I'm afraid that the choice of photo collage, rather than actual text, did not work to your advantage.

Brittany - "D." Bummer. And I ruined all my magazines!

Mr. DeMartino - Daria, your paper was excellent, and the original research was thought-provoking, although it would probably be considered a felony in most states.

(in the hallway)

Jane - "The Real-Life Experiment in Mind Control Deprogramming."

Daria - Subtitle: "My Night at the Gupty's." I guess I got inspired.

Jane - Talk about an efficient use of quality time.

(at the Gupty house)

(the view remains on the outside of the house as we hear Tad and Tricia singing along to the record)

Tad and Tricia (VO) - (singing) "I am cool and that is it, and everyone else is full of, full of, full of..."

(needle scratches on record, drowning out the last word)

Mrs. Gupty (VO) - Tad!

Mr. Gupty (VO) - Tricia!