"Unhealthy Competition"
by wierdgrrl

When a new student comes to Lawndale, she's Daria's double in spirit.
But when Trent shows an interest, Daria is curious as to why.  When she
gets the answer from a hidden tip-off, how will she use this
knowledge-and how will Trent reciprocate?

OPENING SCENE:  OUTSIDE OF MORGANDORFFERS' HOUSE

MUSIC:  "Into The Void" NIN

SHOT:  DARIA'S ROOM

(Daria blearily opens her eyes from under the covers and reaches to shut
off the alarm.  She sits up and gets out of bed.  She's wearing a gray
t-shirt and army-green shorts.  Music continues as she gets dressed in
the usual outfit and exits, and we see the next location…)

SHOT:  LLLLLLAWNDALE HIGH, DARIA'S LOCKER

(Daria is getting her books as Jane waits.)

JANE:  So you wanna come over after school?

DARIA:  Sure.  Quinn's having a slumber party tonight in order to see
fashionvision.com's webcast of the new summer lineup.

JANE: It's April.  There's still snow on the ground.

DARIA:  (Quinn voice) "Fashions transcend weather conflicts, Jane."

(Right on cue, here comes the FC.  Sandi is wearing a white tanktop and
navy board shorts, Stacy in a white tank dress and sky blue platform
sandals, Tiffany in a celery green tank dress and yellow platform
sandals, and Quinn in a pink tummy tank and long khaki skirt with high
side slits.  They are freezing, of course.)

STACY:  D-d-don't you think we should at least wear cardigans, S-sandi?

SANDI:  Cardigans are spring wear, Stacy, this is summer.

TIFFANY:  Yeah, Stacy, cardigans are so over.

STACY:  But it's April, there's still snow on the-

(look from Sandi.)

STACY:  Eep!

VOICE:  Is there an echo in here?

(At this moment we see the unfamiliar form of a girl at her locker
nearby fiddling with combination.)

JANE:  Who's that?

(The girl turns around and we see her full view.  She is pale, with dark
brown hair streaked blood red and cut chin-length.  She wears glasses
like Daria's but with thinner frames.  Her face as well is similar to
Daria's, but with red lipstick and thick black eyeliner.  She's wearing
a short black skirt with zippers sewn on it in various places and a
white long sleeve tee with black flames on the sleeves and front.  The
shirt is short and exposes her navel, which is pierced with a rainbow
hoop.  She appears tall, about 5'9", but she is wearing black knee-high
lace-up boots with a high platform.)

GIRL:  Hey, are these lockers busted or what?

DARIA:  There's a trick to it.  What's your combination?

GIRL:  I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.  (suspicious)
How do I know you're not one of Them?

(Daria and Jane exchange surprised smirks.  Jane holds out her hand.)

JANE:  I'm Jane and this is Daria.  Are you new to our lovely local
prison?

GIRL:  I'm Gwen, and yes.  I just moved here from Swedesville.

JANE:  Oh, I think Mystik Spiral played there once.

GWEN:  I saw them, way back in November!  You know them?

JANE:  The singer's my brother.  What did you think of them?

GWEN:  Well, the name sounds like a Doors cover band that plays brew
pubs, but their style shows some promise.

(Daria is stunned at this unconscious parroting of her words.)

JANE:  Huh, that's what Daria says.  Hey, why don't you come over to my
house with us after school?  You can meet Trent if he's awake.  We'd
like that, wouldn't we Daria?

DARIA:  (blushes at Jane's insinuation) Um, yeah sure.

GWEN:  Sure.  Hey, can you tell me where Mr. (glances at sheet)
O'Neill's room is, and what his class is like?

(Cut to O'Neill's class.)


O'NEILL:  Now, class, we have a new student among us, and if you
wouldn't mind, Gloria, I'd like you to say a few words about herself.
(Beat, Gwen's still sitting)  Gloria?

GWEN:  My name's Gwen, but if you mean me, okay.  (stands) Hi, I just
moved here from Swedesville, and in my old school, we didn't make the
new students give speeches.  It was easier to rope and brand them with a
big NS for New Student. (sits)

(Daria, Jane and Andrea smirk.  Kevin pokes Mack.)

KEVIN:  Whoah, that's pretty twisted, huh Mack Daddy?

MACK:  Don't call me that.

KEVIN:  Sure thing, bro.

O'NEILL:  Oh, my, that didn't go well.  Now, moving along to our
assigned chapters of Dante's Inferno.  (bell rings)  Okay, tomorrow
we'll pass through the First and Second Circles of Hell!

DARIA AND GWEN:  (unison) I'm sure we will.  (Both clap hands over
mouths in astonishment)

SCENE:  MS. BARCH'S ROOM

BARCH:  Now, we have a new student among us.  I trust you MALES will
keep your filthy hands and your lecherous eyeballs to yourselves so as
not to give her a bad impression of Lawndale!  Gwen, could you please
make a small speech about yourself?

GWEN:  I'd like to, but Mr. O'Neill made me do it last period, and all
those chauvinistic men mentally undressing me made me nervous.  Can it
wait?

BARCH:  Oh, you poor dear.  Of course you don't have to, and let me
pencil in twenty-five points of extra-credit.

(Mona Lisa smirk from Gwen, raised eyebrows and smiles from Jane and
Daria.)

SCENE:  THE STREET, GOING TO JANE'S HOUSE.

MUSIC:  "The Chemicals Between Us" Bush

JANE:  You sure pulled one over on Ms. Barch.

DARIA:  I've never seen her give that much extra credit, even for bold
acts of man-hating like that.

GWEN:  I'm experienced in the field.  My mom is a bitter middle-aged
divorcee, so I've picked up a few tricks.

(They reach Casa Lane.)

SHOT:  JANE'S ROOM.

MUSIC:  "Seven Months" Portishead

(They walk through the doorway.  Jane and Gwen sit on the bed, Daria on
a chair.)

JANE:  Welcome to my humble abode.  How do you like it?

GWEN:  Cool room, but what's with that iodine smell in the hallway?

JANE:  It IS iodine, there's an open bottle in Trent's room left over
from his "orange skin" phase.  We don't have to power scrub his room
yet, but if you smell rotting food or mouse, let me know.

TRENT: (VO) Janie, I thought you said it wasn't time to fumigate my room
for another month.

JANE:  Trent!  You scared me.

(Trent steps into Jane's room.)

TRENT:  Hey, Daria.

DARIA:  (blush) Hey.

TRENT:  Who are you?

(The first song has ended, and "Only You", also by Portishead, starts
up.)

GWEN:  I'm Gwen.  You sing in Mystik Spiral, don't you?

TRENT:  Yeah, how'd you know?

GWEN:  I saw you guys play in Swedesville.  Good show, but the name
smacks of Doors cover bands-

TRENT:  That play brew pubs?  Yeah, we're thinking of changing the
name.  What do you think of Helpful Corn?

GWEN:  Sounds either intentionally or unintentionally derivative.  Keep
thinking, or if that fails, keep drinking.

TRENT:  (hack-laugh thing)  Good one.  Hey, I'm going down to Dega
Street to get a new piercing.  They're having a two-for-one special
again.

JANE:  Daria, you should go.  Get your navel repierced.

DARIA:  I've had enough holes punched in my belly for awhile.

GWEN:  I'll go.  I've been meaning to get my tongue pierced.

TRENT:  Cool, I'll go start up the Tank.

(Gwen and Trent exit.)

JANE:  That was strange, huh Daria?  (beat)  Daria?

(Daria is looking stunned, and at the same time very pissed.)

COMMERCIAL TIME!  Now let us all scream with joy as chips in a can, not
one but two kinds of tampons, and another certain cartoon family
plugging crispety-crunchety-peanut-buttery Butterfinger makes our lives
unarguably better forever.

SCENE:  INSIDE THE TANK.

MUSIC:  Operation Ivy "One of These Days"

GWEN:  You like Op Ivy?

TRENT:  Yeah, they started the whole ska-punk sound, and they were doing
it 10 years ago!

GWEN:  So what are you getting pierced?

TRENT:  Eyebrow again.  (points to his left eyebrow, where he already
has one ring)

GWEN:  I've been down on eyebrow rings ever since KoRn made them
trendy.  And they can sag over your eye.

TRENT:  Good point.  Maybe I'll pass on that one.  What do you suggest?

GWEN:  You'd look good with one right here. (points to the little spot
between lower lip and chin)

TRENT:  Hmmm, good idea.

(He looks at her.)

TRENT:  Gwen?

GWEN:  Yeah?

TRENT:  Do you have-dah, I mean, are you seeing anyone?

GWEN:  No, why?

TRENT:  Just wondering.

(He keeps looking at her, until…)

GWEN:  (takes the wheel to avoid oncoming car) WATCH THE ROAD!

TRENT:  (snaps out of it) Oh, uh, yeah.

SCENE:  CASA LANE, THE NEXT MORNING.  IT'S AN UNSEASONABLY WARM DAY.

MUSIC:  Beck "Dead Weight (A Life Less Ordinary)"

SHOT:  KITCHEN.

(Jane is eating a bowl of cereal.  Trent walks in with, natch, the
piercing Gwen suggested [I don't know what it's called].)

JANE:  Where'd you get that eye-popping surgical steel number?

TRENT:  Gwen suggested it.  We went to Axl's last night and she got her
nose pierced and another hole in her ear, but then I couldn't get this
done on the special and I had no money so Gwen did it for me.  (Beat.)
It kinda hurts and I think it's infected but hey, it's all good.  (Beat)
But Gwen is really great!  She's funny and smart and cute and she likes
all the bands I like that even Jesse hasn't heard of.

(Jane says nothing but gets a worried look.)

SCENE:  LLLLLAWWNDALE HIGH

MUSIC:  "Where It's At" Beck

JANE:  …so I'd say Trent's got it bad for Gwen.

DARIA:  WHAT?! (composed) I mean, do go on.

JANE:  Daria, you'll never play poker.

DARIA:  What does he see in her, may I ask?

JANE:  Hmm, she's smart, funny, and likes all the bands he does.  Oh,
and she's "cute".

DARIA:  I never thought I'd hear Trent use that word.

JANE:  Yeah, I mean, people say that about Quinn, sure, but Gwen?  She's
more "freak chic".

(Right on cue, here comes Gwen, wearing a leopard knee length skirt with
black lace trim, a red strappy tank, and black birkenstocks.  The tank
is short and shows the navel ring, and of course, there's the new nose
ring.)

GWEN:  Hi Jane, hi Daria.  Oh, Jane, give this note to Trent, would you?

JANE:  Sure thing, Gwen.

GWEN:  Okay, thanks.

JANE:  We probably shouldn't read it.  (Beat, then opens it.)

Trent,
 Don't take this the wrong way, but I like you as a friend.  I don't
want a boyfriend at all right now, it's just more than I can handle.
And for that matter, I think there's another girl who deserves you more
and would reciprocate your feelings.  I won't tell you who, but if she
decides she's ready, maybe I won't have to.
    Later,
      Gwen

JANE:  Seems Gwen's sneakier than even we gave her credit for.

DARIA:  I don't believe it.  She knew we would read this.

JANE:  Well, c'mon Daria!  Now's your big chance!

DARIA:  Oh, shut up.  Trent would never be interested in me.

JANE:  I think he just needs to see (fake French accent) ze 'ooh-la-la'
in Daria.

DARIA:  There's no way-

JANE:  Oh, but there is.  That is, if you can bring yourself to do it.

DARIA:  I was afraid of that.

COMMERCIAL TIME!
(Let's see, An ad for the 10 spot on some other weeknight, that Sprite
ad with the claymation sun, an ad for Down To You, and fake-as-can-be
ecstasy courtesy of Herbal Essences.  There, that should do it.)

SCENE: LE MENAGE DE MORGANDORFFER

MUSIC:  "Bound For The Floor" Local H

SHOT:  QUINN'S ROOM

DARIA:  Remind me again why we're in here?

JANE:  To find you some clothes that will make Trent see the 'ooh-la-la'
in Dari-a.

DARIA:  Will you stop saying that?  And Trent seems to go for black more
than (imitates Quinn) eggshell?  Or is it eggplant?  (returns to
normal)  But, hey, I could be wrong.

JANE:  Come on, Quinn has to have something 'alternative' left over from
Alternapalooza.

(Enter Quinn.)

QUINN:  Eeeew!  Get out of my closet!

DARIA:  Quinn, hold on a minute.

QUINN:  This better be quick.  I have a date.

DARIA:  I can't believe it's come to this, and I'll deny I ever said it,
but I need your advice.

QUINN:  (tears up) You wait for this day for so long, and when it comes,
you don't know what to say…

JANE:  She needs to look cute so Trent will like her.

DARIA:  Jane!

JANE:  He's my brother, the tall guy with the goatee and all the
piercings?

QUINN:  Daria, while you'll never get someone like Skylar Feldman, I
think you should shoot a little higher-

DARIA:  Do you want to help me or not?

QUINN:  Very well, let's get down to business.

MUSICAL MONTAGE:  "Yoo Hoo" Imperial Teen.

We see Quinn holding up clothes on Daria and waiting for Jane's
approval.  A white sundress, a blue tee and black skirt, and the
'eye-popping polyester number" from "Road Worrier" get negged.  We then
go to Quinn opening a bag of cosmetics labeled "Fashion Don'ts Costume
Gala", and trying to do Daria's hair before Jane takes the initiative.
End montage to pan over Daria in the mirror.  Her hair is the same as
normal, and she still wears her glasses and boots.  But she is wearing
eyeliner and red lipstick in the same manner as Gwen, and she is wearing
a black corset-style top with a long black skirt.  The skirt has two
side slits that go very high up.  She is also wearing two black studded
leather cuffs, and a black diamond-studded cat collar.

JANE:  I have to say, very impressive.

QUINN:  (holding a safety pin)  I still say it would be improved if
you'd let me pierce your belly button.

DARIA:  Don't go near me with that thing!

JANE:  But it'll definitely make Trent see the-

QUINN AND DARIA:  (unison) STOP SAYING THAT!

SCENE:  DARIA AND JANE, OUTSIDE CASA LANE.

MUSIC: "Glory Box" Portishead

JANE:  Okay, now you're going to give the note to Trent.

DARIA:  No way.

JANE:  But think of the possibilities.  'Oh, Trent, that's rough, I'm
sorry' (smooch noise)

DARIA:  Can it, Lane.

(Trent opens the door, and is shocked to find Jane.)

TRENT:  What are you doing, Janie?

JANE:  Enjoying the spring breeze?

TRENT:   (sees Daria) Gwen?

DARIA:  'Fraid not.  But I do need to discuss her with you.

TRENT:  (in a stupor)  I-uh-erm-I like your top.

DARIA:  (blush) Um, thanks.

JANE:  (bursting into song)  "If ya think I'm sexy, come on honey let me
know!"

DARIA:  Is there still such a thing as justifiable homicide?

TRENT:  If there were, Rod Stewart would be it.  Yeesh.

(They step inside.)

JANE:  I'll be upstairs, okay Daria?

DARIA:  'Kay.

(Daria and Trent sit on the couch.)

TRENT:  So what was it you wanted to discuss about Gwen?

DARIA:  Um, well she wanted me to give you this.  (hands him the note)

TRENT:  (reads it quickly, then tosses it over his shoulder)  How did I
know?

DARIA:  That's rough.

TRENT:  I really liked Gwen.  She reminded me so much of this girl I
know.  She's smart, and funny, and not afraid of what other people
think.  But for some reason I can't be straight with this girl, and Gwen
was a lot like her, so I thought maybe I could just pretend.  The other
one doesn't seem to like me very much.

DARIA:  (realizing who this 'other' is)  Maybe she is just as
tongue-tied around you, and you just don't know it.

TRENT:  Daria, I-no, I can't.

DARIA:  You don't have to say it.  (she takes his hand in hers)

TRENT:  What's with the new look?

DARIA:  You hate it.

TRENT:  I love it, but you seem like you're in somebody else's skin or
something.

DARIA:  Jane's idea.  She decided you would like me if I dressed like
Gwen.

TRENT:  You could dress however you want to and I'd still like you, but
you just seem uncomfortable.

DARIA:  I am, to tell the truth.  Corsets are not exactly loungewear.

TRENT:  You could take it off- (claps a hand over his mouth)
DARIA:  (laughs)

(Jane is watching from up the stairs, with a phone in hand.)

JANE:  It worked.

(Split screen to show her and Gwen.)

GWEN:  I knew it would.

ALTER EGOS AND CREDITS.  END MUSIC:  "Kiss Me" Sixpence None The Richer.

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
 This was my third Daria fanfic, the one-day product of a snow
cancellation.  Thanks to exam week, I've had 3/4 of a day to watch Daria
tapes for inspiration, and thanks to exam makeup day, I've got another
free day, so another fanfic may be coming your way soon.
 The character "Gwen" is shameless self-promotion on my part.  Though I
doubt I'd so bewitch our dashing Trent, the description of Gwen is
modeled after me, and the clothes are all things I own.  However, I'm
not like her in every respect… I don't have the nose ring-yet.
 I do plan to churn out another fanfic in the next two weeks, and I
promise not to vomit up more "shipper" fodder, swear to God.
    Allie, 1-26-00