(Transcribed by Steven A. Brown)

Special THANKS go out to Thomas Mikkelsen and Nemo Blank for their patience and assistance in beta reading these stories!

I-hay! Yi-may ame's-nay Evin-Kay Hompson-Tay! I'm the Be-Quay! In ase-cay ou-yay uture-fey eople-pay on't-day now-kay hat-way hat-tay tands-say or-fey, it eans-may I'm the uarterback-quay of the awndale-Lay ions-Lay! E-way ule-ray! Ot-nay verything-eay, of ourse-cay, hat-tay ould-way e-bay illy-say. Ho-way ould-way ant-way to ule-ray a us-bay? Ot-nay e-may!

<<Daria: eg-Jay an-kay ke-ikay ro-tay, te-ay eg-jay ent-ray aktisk-fay ik-gay ed-may il-tay at krive-say et-day ed-nay og edigere-ray et-day. En ler-ellay den-anay kyd-say ig-may.>>

Yway-anay, I'm the Be-Quay so hat-tay eans-may I ule-ray the ions-Lay. Ot-nay tual-acay ions-lay, ou-yay now-kay, ike-lay the ones ith-way eally-ray ong-lay air-hay and ointy-pay eeth-tay who on't-day ike-lay ogs-day at all, ut-bay the ootball-fay ions-Lay. Ut-Bay ot-nay the etroit-Day ions-Lay. Et-yay. I'm ure-say I ill-way one day. I'm a ion-Lay ow-nay so entually-evay I'll be a ion-Lay ater-lay. Ou'll-yay robably-pay ave-hay eard-hay of ee-may.

Aaron: What the hell is all this?

Jane: You tell me. You're the one who volunteered us for this before we were ready.

Aaron: We are so screwed.

Jane: No shit. You call Nick yet?

Aaron: No. You think he might know anything about this?

Jane: Maybe. At least he can do a search through the Li-base. I'll link him in. You get started on a conversion program.

Aaron: Convert what?

Jane: Aaron, this is pig-Latin. If you don't know what it is, look it up. Anyway, give me a call back when you're done. Estimate?

Aaron: At least an hour. Later.

Jane: Aaron, I've linked Nick in. What did you get done?

Aaron: The entire story was written in pig-Latin. Other than a few words here and there. I swear, someone did this just to piss us off.

Nick: You're more right than you know. Whoops, sorry to interrupt. Go ahead, Aaron.

Aaron: Anyway, I wrote a conversion program and ran it through. Then I had to go back and clean up everything that it missed which was just about everything anyway. What I got was a story about half in English. The rest, well, take a look at this line. I hope I didn't screw up the meaning.

<<Daria: Jeg kan ikke tro, at jeg rent faktisk gik med til at skrive det ned og redigere det. En eller anden skyd mig.>>

Jane: That doesn't look like pig-Latin to me.

Aaron: It's not. It's a foreign language that I haven't seen before. The only thing I could do was run it through a language match program and a few minutes later I found that it was Danish.

Jane: So the other half of the story's in Danish?

Aaron: Pretty much.

Jane: After reading about Kevin from some old articles, I didn't think he was smart enough to speak good English, let alone another language like Danish.

Nick: He isn't.

Aaron: What're you not telling us, Nick? What did you find out?

Nick: I ran the search given the pig-Latin reference as a parameter. I found some interesting information. I think it's something you'd have to see rather than just have me tell you.

Jane: Line's secure. File is open. Ready for download.

Aaron: My system's ready as well.

Nick: I'll play it as I download it to your systems. You might want to keep it to reference. Downloading... now.

The video-conference images slip out and are replaced with security footage from five decades ago.

November 2001.

Location: Lawndale High hallway. Time: afternoon.

Daria and Jane are at their lockers. Kevin walks up. He looks happy.

Kevin: Daria? I'm done.

Jane: And not a moment too soon, I must say. Well, been nice knowing you, Kevin. Try not to get underfoot when you're fixing streets in the future, okay?

Kevin: Huh?

Jane: You said you were done. You're quitting school, right?

Kevin: No way, man! If I quit school then I can't play in Friday's big game and coach said I have to play.

Daria: There goes my early graduation present.

Kevin: I mean I'm done with my story like you wanted.

Daria: As if I wanted your story. Why are you giving it to me?

Kevin: Huh? You're a brain aren't you? You'd naturally get this, right?

Daria: Kevin, have I ever told you how I actually don't like being categorized as a brain. Can't you think of me simply as Daria?

Kevin: Um... nope.

Jane: How about if I give you 20 smackers to quit school.

Kevin: But if I quit school, then how could I date Brittany if I'm not the QB?

Daria: Besides, where did you get 20 dollars?

Jane: Who said anything about actual money?

Kevin: Um... Daria? Here's the assignment, okay?

Kevin tries to give Daria a tape.

Daria: Kevin, this is a cassette tape. This isn't filled with nocturnal sounds is it?

Kevin: Ho, ho, ho, that's a good one, Daria! No, I can only borrow my dad's car on the weekend.

Jane: I'm not even going to pretend I understand what he's talking about.

Daria: Who has to pretend?

Kevin: Anyway, I recorded my story just like coach said I should so I can concentrate on Friday's big game. Here you go.

Daria: Kevin, you were supposed to write it out, not speak it out.

Kevin: But you can turn it to words, right?

Daria: That's not the point, Kevin.

Kevin: Tell you what, you do it and I'll do your homework for the next month. Deal?

Daria: If I didn't want to fail when we were sophomores, Kevin, I certainly don't want to fail as a senior now.

Kevin: But I thought you chicks were good at doing stuff like that.

Jane: Hoo-boy.

Daria: Well then maybe you should find some "chicks" to transcribe it for you.

Kevin: Well then... uh... tell you what. You do it and I'll, you know, say hi and stuff when I meet you in the hallway. That way you won't seem as much an outcast as you do now.

Jane: He really knows how to flatter a girl, doesn't he?

Kevin: It's a gift.

Daria: Forget it. I don't want anything to do with it.

Kevin: C'mon, Daria. It's your duty to do it for the good of school.

Daria: But I think it's your duty to not only transcribe it, Kevin, but also convert it into pig-Latin since it is short for pigskin-Latin which was devised centuries ago by football-playing monks in Europe. And since I'm a "chick", I don't think I could possibly understand pigskin-Latin.

Jane: That was definitely a black mark on your soul.

Daria: And worth every tick.

Kevin: But that would mean the European NFL would be better than the American NFL. Oh no...

Kevin's face takes on a shocked, horrified look. He stares off into space. Daria waves her hand in front of his face.

Daria: Kevin? Kevin? Are you in there?

Jane: Uh-oh. I think we broke him.

Daria: I wonder if he has a reset button anywhere.

Jane: If only Brittany were here. She'd know where his buttons are.

Daria: More information than I needed to know.

Ms. Li walks up.

Ms. Li: What's going on here?

Jane: Kevin's mind finally went back into its cocoon.

Daria: I wonder if we can get him a job guarding Buckingham Palace.

Ms. Li: Mr. Thompson! Mr. Thompson!

Jane: If only he had a reset switch...

Ms. Li: Ah, yes. Of course. I remember now. Mr. Thompson – FOOTBALL!

Kevin: Football rules! Yeah! Oh, hey, Daria. I finished my assignment. Here it is.

Jane: Did we just go back in time?

Daria: One of us just did.

Kevin: You can trans... trins... trens...

Jane: Transcribe?

Kevin: Yeah! Transcribble it for me, right? Oh, and put in some of that pigskin-Latin stuff you were talking about, okay?

Daria: Let me check my busy social calendar and get back to you.

Ms. Li: I'm sure you can do it, Miss Morgendorffer. After all, I know of no one else better suited to transcribe a story into "pigskin"-Latin than you.

Daria: I do have a social life, you know.

Ms. Li: I'm sure you do, but a yearbook picture is worth a thousand words wouldn't you say?

Daria: More like 10,000 words. Renegotiate.

Ms. Li: Terms?

Daria: I want two pages for my own use in the yearbook.

Ms. Li: All the pages have already been planned out. There's no more room.

Daria: Remove your advertising pages. Do you want Kevin's work transcribed or not?

Ms. Li: One-half page and I have final say on all material submitted.

Daria: One full page, you have final say on material submitted, but I want full color, no black and white.

Ms. Li: Agreed. Mr. Thompson, your story better be worth it.

Ms. Li turns and leaves.

Jane: Why, Daria?

Daria: Why what?

Jane: You just agreed to transcribe Kevin's story which is probably going to require a lot of editing and rewriting anyway. Why did you do it?

Daria: It's all part of my master plan. And with dealing with Ms. Li at this time, I have to proceed with baby steps.

Jane: Baby steps? You're not pregnant again are you?

Kevin: Daria's pregnant?

Daria: I thought I quenched that rumor the last time.

Jane: Good rumors may die, but they never truly get quenched.

Brittany and Jodie walk up.

Brittany: Can I have some?

Daria: Some what?

Brittany: Some Quenched. Isn't that a new cola?

Jodie: It's not a cola, Brittany. It's simply a word meaning to crush.

Brittany: But I like Orange Crush soda.

Kevin: Babe, did you hear? Daria's pregnant.

Daria: Someone's got to die.

Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch walk up.

Ms. Barch: What's all this I heard about someone being pregnant?

Brittany: Daria's pregnant, Ms. Barch.

Daria: You're a marked woman, Lane.

Jodie: Brittany, Daria's not pregnant. She's not any more pregnant than Kevin is.

Kevin: Ho, ho, ho! That's funny. A QB pregnant?! Man, that couldn't happen. That's what chicks are for!

Ms. Barch: Typical MALE behavior you've... Say, that would make an interesting experiment.

Kevin: Um, Ms. Barch, why are you looking at me that way?

Ms. Barch: Test Subject... I mean, Kevin. I'd like you to come by my office after school today to talk about... um...

Jodie: His grade?

Ms. Barch: That'll do. Your grade, Kevin.

Kevin: Um... I've got practice after school. Coach says I have to go.

Ms. Barch: I'm sure he can make an exception for science.

Kevin: Um... I've got to go!

Kevin runs away.

Ms. Barch: Come back here, you test subject!!

Ms. Barch runs after a fleeing Kevin.

Brittany: Does this mean I don't get any cola?

Jodie: C'mon, Brittany, I'll buy you a cola.

Jodie and Brittany leave.

Mr. O'Neill: Daria? Is it true? Are you pregnant? Do you need some counseling?

Daria: I'm not pregnant. I'm pretty sure you need to engage in sex to get pregnant.

Jane: Not all the time. How about invitro...

Daria: I'm warning you, Jane...

Mr. O'Neill: If you need to talk, Daria, I'm always here. Oh my, look at the time, I'm late for my Self Awareness class. But, Daria, my office is always open.

Mr. O'Neill leaves.

Daria: I'm going to get you, Jane. One of these days, when you least expect it – expect it!

Jane: I have to admit, that was kind of fun. You want to do it again or do you want to tell me why you're actually editing Kevin's work this time.

Daria: Sigh. Fine. I'll tell. I figured that I was going to have to do it anyway since Mr. O'Neill can barely decipher Kevin's chicken scratches. So I figured I might as well make it as difficult as possible for those in the future who have to read it. After all, I shouldn't have to suffer through this myself.

Jane: So you might as well as make those future people suffer along with it.

Daria: Damn straight.

Jane: But I don't understand why you want more work – getting the page in the yearbook sounds like you're going to have to produce a little more extra effort for this project.

Daria: Yes, but I've always wanted to blow the lid on student stupidity here at Lawndale.

Jane: You know Ms. Li won't let you print anything negative about the school.

Daria: Well, you've got a little more leeway in color than in grayscale. The truth is out there, Jane, even if we have to change some pictures to prove it. You in?

Jane: Hell yes.

Aaron: Well that explains the first question I had but not the second.

Jane: Which is?

Aaron: Why the hell did I volunteer us for this review. We are so screwed.

Hi! My name's Kevin Thompson! I'm the QB! In case you future people don't know what that stands for, it means I'm the quarterback of the Lawndale Lions! We rule! Not everything, of course, that would be silly. Who would want to rule a bus? Not me!

<<Daria: I can't believe I actually agreed to transcribing and editing this. Someone, shoot me.>>

Anyway, I'm the QB so that means I rule the Lions. Not actual lions, you know, like the ones with really long hair and pointy teeth who don't like dogs at all, but the football Lions. But not the Detroit Lions. Yet. I'm sure I will one day. I'm a Lion now so eventually I'll be a Lion later. You'll probably have heard of me.

<<Daria: The only way anyone will remember Kevin, if there is a God, is if the traffic accident is especially gruesome. I can picture it already. A bus hitting a circus trailer carrying lions that get free and pounce on the first thing they can find which is Kevin. In fact – check out the yearbook's Be Kind To Wild Animals At Kevin's Expense page!>>

Anyway, I was given this assignment in school to write a story about the future. I mean, where did that come from? But since I'm a good student...

<<Jane: Bwah-hah-hah-hah!!! No, sorry. MmmMMMMMmmmppphhh... must contain laughter. How do you do it, Daria? Cough. Ahem. Go on.>>

<<Daria: I'm laughing on the inside, Jane.>>

<<Jane: That's got to hurt.>>

<<Daria: You have no idea.>>

...I figured I'd do it. So here goes. Once upon a time there lived a really cool guy named Kevin Thompson (did I tell you, I'm the QB – I mean, he's the QB!)

<<Daria: Smooth, Kevin. No one will suspect it's you that you're talking about..>>

...who went to Lawndale High.

<<Daria: Whoops. Spoke too soon.>>

The other Kevin was in his history class. Mr. DeMartino was going over his grades. He really liked to do that.

"Kevin!" Mr. DeMartino said. "Another EXEMPLARY use of your mind again I MUST SAY! You get an "A"..."

<<Daria: Then where did that F go?>>

"...and the rest of you can LEARN something from KEVIN!"

<<Jane: Yeah, how NOT to study while drinking or making out.>>

<<Daria: Or studying while drinking while making out.>>

That was Mr. DeMartino. He was always going over that other Kevin's grades and stuff all the time. It's like he thought that other Kevin was a real smart guy.

<<Jane: Bwah-hah-hah-hah!!! Cough. Ahem. Go on.>>

"Okay, class, POP QUIZ! Did anyone with even HALF A BRAIN, not you KEVIN, think to read last night's chapter? Heh, heh, I thought so. So tell me, in 30 words or less, who shot JFK?!"

The other Kevin got right to work on it. First he got a piece of paper from his girlfriend – a really hot head cheerleader – and pulled out a pencil and wrote his name and began answering the question. Everyone knew that answer. Except for maybe a few other non-popular kids in class who were always asking him the answers.

"Pssst, Kevin, what's the answer?" asked Daria Morganslopper.

<<Jane: Morganslopper? I think you've just been insulted, Daria.>>

<<Daria: Editing his work is insulting enough, thank you.>>

"Daria, I can't tell you that," I said, I mean, the other Kevin said. "That would be cheating and you never get ahead in life if you cheat. That's my motto."

<<Jane: Bwah-hah-hah-hah!!! Cough. Ahem. Go on.>>

Oooohh-oooohh! I've got a great idea!

<<Daria: Is it feeding time for the chimps already?>>

<<Jane: Bwah-hah-hah-hah!!! "Idea." Funny. Cough. Ahem. Go on.>>

Just then some uncool terrorists showed up before I could get another "A" on my test. They were always showing up when you least expected them.

<<Daria: Versus when you most needed them to show up, like during the editing of a really bad story.>>

They crashed into the room from the windows and doors...

<<Daria: Beats coming up through the floor I guess.>>

...and floor...

<<Jane: Whoops, you spoke too soon again.>>

<<Daria: Story of my life.>>

...and had on these really cool black suits and masks and stuff. But as cool as they looked they waived guns towards that other Kevin's hot babe of a girlfriend.

"Yo, Mack Daddy! Throw me some books!"

<<Jane: Bwah-hah-hah-hah!!! Books. This is getting really funny..>>

"Sure thing, Kevin, old pal," Mack said, hiking me some books. "And keep on calling me Mack Daddy! I like hearing you call me that!"

<<Mack: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Daria: It could be worse – you could be editing this... set of words.>>

"Sure thing, Mack Daddy!" I grabbed the books out of the air and used my QB skills (did I forget to tell you, I'm the QB!) to fling them at all the terrorists. I nailed each one in the head since they weren't wearing helmets.

"Oooohhh, Kevin, you saved us all! Will you go out with me?" Jane asked, who was a friend of Daria.

<<Jane: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Mack: Get in line.>>

"Sorry, Jane, but I don't think Brittany would like that. And I don't go out with other girls since she's my one and only babe. Unless, of course, she was to suddenly get ugly or something."

<<Brittany: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Jane: Get in line.>>

"KEVIN! That was a brave thing you did, saving us like that. I'm not even going to grade this test but simply give you the grade you deserve. Just like last week when you saved us from the sharks in the sewers," Mr. DeMartino said.

<<Daria: Sharks? Sewers? There's no place like home, there's no place like home!>>

It was kind of embarrassing to be singled out the way he singled me out all the time but I figured it kind of made him happy.

"KEVIN! Did you hear me? Turn OFF that tape recorder or..."

So there I was, surrounded by unconscious terrorists, again, and being congratulated, again. I got the class back to order and we sat through our lesson and learned stuff. I could feel all the chicks eyes on me since I was the manliest man in there.

<<Upchuck: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Brittany: Get in line.>>

So after class, I was walking down the hall when I looked up and noticed a plane in a dive, heading right for the school!

<<Daria: And apparently right towards the glass ceilings used in the hallways.>>

It was neat of the other kids not to run into me as I stood there and watched the plane get larger and larger. They kind of respect me, I mean, that other Kevin that much. And why not – I'm the QB!

<<Jane: Like we didn't hear that in the last few seconds.>>

I looked around and saw the display case where all my awards are kept and ran over to it and knocked it down.

<<Daria: I wonder how he did that since it was embedded into the wall?>>

<<Jane: He probably used his head.>>

<<Brittany: You mean he thought it through?>>

<<Jane: You wish.>>

The glass went everywhere but not on me. I'm just lucky that way. Anyway I grabbed the awards and rushed outside. The plane was getting larger and larger. I could see panic in the eyes of the pilot. So I used my QB skills (did I forget to tell you, I'm the QB!)...

<<Jane: Doesn't he ever get tired of saying that?>>

<<Brittany: You wish.>>

...and I threw the winning footballs towards the big engine thingie thing and knocked the bird loose that was in there that I noticed earlier. It was cool.

"Kevin, that was cool," said Jodie. She was student council secretary or something. "Will you go out with me?"

<<Jodie: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Upchuck: Get in line.>>

"Sorry, Jodie, but I couldn't do that to Mack Daddy. He's my best friend."

<<Mack: So maybe I won't kill him.>>

"I won't tell if you won't tell," Jodie pleaded with me.

"Well, okay then." And we started kissing.

<<Mack: I take it back. I'll strangle him if it's the last thing I do.>>

<<Jodie: Get in line.>>

Oh, right, the plane. I looked up and saw the pilot get the plane back under control and then open his window and wave. Then he threw his hat towards me and it landed on my, I mean, the other Kevin's head. Yeah, and then he thanked me!

"Thanks for saving the plane and all the passengers on it, Kevin! You're the greatest! I can't wait to tell the little woman I met you!"

<<Pilot: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<D: Who're you again?>>

I knew I was the greatest.

<<Jane: Is it just me, or is it getting deep in here?>>

"Hey, Kevin you going to yak in that tape recorder all day or are you gonna join us for lunch, man? Do the bull, do the bull!"

"Yeah, bull, bull, bull!"

"Yo, dude, put some straws up your nose again!"

"No prob, guys. But anyone seen Mack Daddy lately?"

"I thought I told you not to call me..."

"Giggle. But, Kevin, I thought you were going out with Brittany."

"Hey, I am, babe. But it's a platonic thing that I have to do since I'm the QB. So what do you say we meet later tonight and do some studying?"

<<Brittany: Must... control... Fist... Of... Death!>>

<<Jane: Isn't that someone else's line?>>

<<Daria: Not unless it's trademarked.>>

"I don't know, Kevin. Brittany's my friend..."

"But I think you're a totally hot babe, Angie. That means something, doesn't it?"

"Sure... it means something, Kevin. Say, is that tape record..."

So the plane flew off and the President who was on it also waved at me. That was kind of cool. I think. Then Principal Li came up to me.

"What's the meaning of breaking the trophy case, Kevin?" she asked.

"I had to, Ms. Li. I had to save the plane before it crashed into the school."

"Oh, that's all right then. Let me award you in an assembly."

<<Ms. Li: I'll kill him.>>

<<Daria: Okay, who's doing the Ms. Li voice?>>

<<Jodie: Me. Sorry. I just thought I'd put in her 2 cents worth.>>

<<Mack: I think she deserves what she gets for making Kevin write this thing.>>

<<Jodie: What write? He dictated it into a stupid tape recorder and got Daria into transcribing it.>>

<<Jane: Who gave us a heads up as to what was written. So let's hear it for Daria – hip, hip, hooray!>>

<<Daria: You're right. It is getting deep in here.>>

So that was how I ended up at another assem... assim... assamblably... assembly. That's it. Ms. Li went on and introduced me as the QB (I'm the QB!)...

<<All: Yes, Kevin, we all know that by now.>>

...and I got another award which I put back in the case that Sandi repaired since that's what the Fashion Club did was to repair things – I think.

<<Sandi: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Jodie: Get in line.>>

She looked at me as I opened the repaired glass door and put my award in with the other ones and asked me out.

"Oooohhh, Kevin, you're so manly. Will you go out with me?"

<<Sandi: I'd as soon as date a pig.>>

<<Upchuck: I've got the entire weekend free. Will this Friday work?>>

"No way, um, Sandi. I've got my standards."

<<Daria: Yeah. Passed out and drunk on a lawn.>>

"Please, Kevin, it would make Quinn so jealous to see you go out with me."

"And it would too," Quinn said, joining in the speaking. "So don't go out with Sandi but go out with me instead. Please? I'll even pay!"

<<Quinn: I'll kill him.>>

<<Sandi: Get in line.>>

So then Quinn and Sandi got into a cat fight about who was going to pay for our date when my main babe, Brittany came up and took me out to the car for some congratulatory (hey, is that even a word – need to check with Daria on this) making out. We went for a drive and stopped later on and started kissing and stuff.

Then I heard the train whistle. Then I heard it again, this time louder. I stopped making out with Brittany and looked up. There was a training coming towards me! That Brittany – she'd managed to stop the car on train tracks. Again.

<<Daria: What disturbs me even more is that it took a train for him to realize he was stopped on train tracks.>>

<<Brittany: I feel a whole lotta pain coming his way. Zimba...>>

<<Jodie: Brit, no! Later. We'll get him later.>>

<<Jane: What was all that about?>>

<<Daria: I have no idea.>>

I quickly jumped out of the car and tried to push it off the tracks but we were too badly jammed in place. I opened the back and pulled out some footballs and stepped back. Brittany got into the driver's seat and waited. I hurled some footballs with incredible speed and accuracy (I'm the QB after all) and knocked the car off the tracks moments before the train came through.

"KEVIN! YOU STUPID BRAINDEAD MALE! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?! WHAT IS THAT TAPE RE..."

So anyway there I was standing in the pocket as the guys collapsed around me. I looked the right, then the left and noticed good ol' number... number... uh... Jamie 20 yards down. I threw the ball dead on and he caught it. He was tackled right away but that was okay since we now had a first down to work with and we were only four yards out of the end zone.

Wait. What was I talking about before. Oh, that's right. Some future story or something. Let's see... I was making out with Angie on the train tracks...

<<Angie: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Quinn: Get in line.>>

...when I saved her with the football because I'm the QB! I mean, the other Kevin is the QB!

Okay. Now I remember.

So there I was fulfilling my density in life by rescuing another babe when a cop car came by.

"Are you Kevin Thompson, local hero and star quarterback of the Lawndale Lions?" he asked. "Wow, you just saved that car from the train. Can I have your autograph? I can't wait to tell the missus I met you."

<<Cop: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Daria: Who're you again?>>

"Sure thing, dude," I said. I always liked helping the little people. "Anything else I can do for you?"

"I just got a call from the mayor who said to find you quick. Seems some aliens just landed in a flying saucer in the middle of town and are talking trash about taking over the entire planet unless Earth's champion can defeat their champion – so we need you again, Mr. Thompson."

<<Cop: I really, really want to hurt him. A lot!>>

<<Jane: Daria, who is this guy anyway?>>

I got into the car and we raced into the middle of town. In the middle of town there was a really big flying saucer on three legs. It was all metally and stuff. Around it were all these cool tanks and soldiers ready to shoot at the aliens who were also standing out in the open. They were really big and ugly with tentacles and slobbering mouths behind a giant helmet.

<<Kronos: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Daria: Okay, this is starting to get out of hand.>>

"Yo, general, what's up?" I asked the main dude.

Then this 20-star general runs over to me and says, "Mr. Thompson. Your country needs you and frankly, all the world needs you now. You're our only hope against these alien invaders. Their leader, Kronos, says they'll pit their champion, Phobos, against our champion which is you by far. No one else is as much a man as you, myself included."

<<General: I'm going to kill him.>>

<<Kronos: Get in line, human.>>

What was I to do? I mean, I just couldn't let the world down. So I did the honorable thing and walked out towards the slobbering aliens.

<<Jane: You think he knows a few things about slobbering? He's used that word a couple times.>>

<<Brittany: Don't get me started.>>

"Yo, slobbering aliens! I'm the QB! I'll take on your champion!" I said.

So then this really big and ugly alien called Phobos came down the ramp. He was big and ugly all right.

"Puny human," said the ugly slobbering alien. "I'll destroy you and then your world."

"Talk's... um... discounted!"

So then the ugly alien swatted me with a tentacle. I went flying towards a tank but fortunately my excellent conditioning broke my fall.

<<Quinn: It was probably his head.>>

<<Daria: You took my line.>>

I got up and said, "You call that a hit? I've been tackled worse than that! C'mon, dude, you can do better than that!"

So then the ugly alien came charging at me and I sidestepped out of the way. Then I picked up some footballs as he turned around and started throwing them towards him. I'd taken a few lumps so far but I didn't want to take anymore since I had a big game next week. It was over in minutes since the big ugly slobbering alien didn't have my QB skills (hey, did I mention, I'm the QB!). Several well-thrown footballs to the alien's stomach knocked him out and that was that. Earth was saved.

"Oh, Kevin," said another hot chick. "You're so manly and everything I could want in a man. Dump your girlfriend and go out with me!"

"No way, babe. Brittany's my one and only. Unless she gets fat or something and then I'll go out with you."

<<Tiffany: Did he just say I was fat?>>

<<Quinn: No, Tiffany. He said Brittany was fat.>>

<<Brittany: I'm going to kill someone before the day is done.>>

And then the aliens picked up their knocked out ugly alien champion and left with their tails between their legs. Earth was saved. Again. All in a day's work.

The end. Whew. That wasn't so hard. Being a writer is kind of easy.

<<D: I'll kill him.>>

<<General: Get in line.>>

Hey, Mack Daddy! How's it hangin'?

"I told you not to call me that!"

Sure thing, Mack Daddy! That Mack, always wanting me to call him Mack Daddy. Now how do you turn this thi...

Nick: Discussion. What conclusions can you draw from this story? What was the meaning you got from the story?

Aaron: You mean, as it related to Kevin Thompson, the QB?

Nick: Your call.

Aaron: Okay. What I got out of this was: Once a moron, always a moron.

Jane: Or stupid is as stupid does.

Mrs. Whitmore: Works for me.

Jane: The strange thing was – I kind of got parts of the story. I knew where he was coming from.

Geoff: That girl is soooooo weird.

Nick: Geoff? You have something to add? What did you get out of the story?

Geoff: Not much. The guy rambled all over the place. I thought it was interesting that Daria got him to zone out when she went on about pigskin-Latin but other than that, it did nothing for me.

Elizabeth: I guess that explains why Brittany wasn't ready to lay her life down on the line for Kevin in her story.

Jane: I hadn't thought of that.

Elizabeth: So what was his artifact?

Aaron: Three guesses.

Geoff: A football?

Jane: Too easy. Try again.

Bob: A signed picture of himself?

Aaron: Give the man a gold card! He left behind a signed picture of himself.

Mrs. Whitmore: That would be Kevin all right.

Nick: Excuse me?

Mrs. Whitmore: Nothing, Nicholas. Continue on.

Nick: So who is Kevin Thompson? What did you find out?

Aaron: Well, he went to college, somehow graduated, got into the NFL and had a lackluster career riding the bench as a 3^rd-string QB on multiple teams that all went to and won the superbowl. I guess you could say that being a 3^rd-string QB was a bad thing.

Jane: But being on the team that won the Superbowl was a good thing.

Aaron: That seemed to typify his life based on the articles Jane found. For instance. NASA bought into Brittany's theory that Kevin was lucky based on the amount of stupidity he picked up. So they scheduled him to go up on a shuttle mission. He was training on the shuttle when he pressed some buttons that started the launch sequence. Since the shuttle was still secured in the hangar instead of the flight pad, it exploded. That was bad.

Jane: However, Kevin and all the other personnel had ample time to get to safety shelters prior to the explosion and they lived. That was good.

Aaron: However, since NASA was stripped to the bones with finances, that little disaster sent them into the red and they started to close operations. And that was bad.

Jane: However, the resulting PR on the shuttle accident almost claiming the life of all-American hero and football star QB of the Detroit Lions led to a backlash against congress for nickel and diming NASA which consequently led to renewed funding for NASA so they could work on getting manned expeditions to Mars. And that was good.

Mrs. Whitmore: That was Kevin on the shuttle? I didn't pay any attention to that when it happened.

Jane: Anyway, Kevin dated and eventually married a model. That was good.

Aaron: On his wedding night, he and his bride went on a cruise in the Florida Keys. After apparently celebrating with the Champagne a little too much, he took the wheel of the private yacht they were on in order to, ah, "impress my really hot babe-wife," according to a Miami newspaper article. He spun the wheel a few times and accelerated out only to hit another ship. That was bad.

Jane: The ship belonged to the Mayor of Miami at the time. That was really, really bad.

Aaron: Then the Coast Guard showed up and found 200 kilos of cocaine on the rammed ship and arrested the mayor for involvement with known criminals. Kevin was recognized with an outstanding citizen's award a month later. And that was good.

Nick: Anything else?

Jane: Oh, yeah. Kevin won 26 million dollars in California's lottery when he was in college. That was good.

Aaron: Kevin lost 26 million dollars due to con artists knowing an easy mark when they saw one. That was bad.

Jane: Kevin got a 5 million dollar signing bonus when he entered the NFL. That was good.

Aaron: Kevin lost 5 million dollars due to the same con artists coming by for try number two. That was bad. Again.

Jane: Kevin won another 6 million dollar lottery in Illinois. That was good. Again.

Aaron: Kevin lost another 6 million dollars when the aforementioned con artists came back. He was then profiled on Sick Sad World. That was bad. Again.

Jane: Kevin eventually moved to California in the summer of 2018. That was bad.

Aaron: The con artists, travelers and grifters who had come to know Kevin as an easy mark and followed him all over the country in a convoy of RV's, campers and unpaid hotel bills also moved to California in the summer of 2018 but didn't survive the greater-LA quate. And according to many law enforcement agencies, that was good.

Jane: Kevin did survive, which was debatable for good or bad.

Bob: But what does all that have to do about Kevin's missing money?

Aaron: A year later when the dead were finally all totaled up and identified, the Feds presented Kevin with another check for 7 million dollars just for being a darn good guy. According to what we could find with the F.O.I.A., they then set up surveillance on him and have since apprehended over 4,000 con artists and scammers who are looking for an easy score with a dope like that Kevin Thompson.

Bob: They used him as bait.

Jane: That they did.

Nick: Any more?

Jane: There's a mountain of stuff I didn't go through. This was the most recognizable stuff I could find.

Nick: So where is Kevin now?

Aaron: We're not sure. His location is being kept secret. The Feds dropped their surveillance on him during the VLS scare of the 30's and didn't resume it. He disappeared sometime during the investigations and hasn't been seen since. I set up a program to monitor news events globewide to track any sort of "luck" criteria, but nothing's come up yet. I'll probably have to narrow the parameters of the search.

Mrs. Whitmore: If you find a hit, let me know. That Kevin sounds like...

Nick: A nutcase?

Aaron: A waste of human skin?

Jane: A blockhead?

Colin: Isn't that trademarked?

Jane: Quiet, you.

Elizabeth: Rich?

Mrs. Whitmore: All of the above.

Diane: What about that reference in the video about the yearbook and in the story about the page? What was that?

Aaron: I checked out the yearbook and found an artsy-fartsy.

Diane: What the heck's an artsy-fartsy?

Aaron: It appears that Daria's friend, Jane, integrated several pictures together showing a compressed school and streets of Lawndale with drawings of students. There wasn't much to go from.

Bob: Did you scan it?

Aaron: Sure. Here it is.

The electronic blackboard shows the picture.

Bob: Hmmm. Could you manipulate it so that the picture is broken into thirds and the middle third is removed? Then merge the remaining ends?

Aaron: Sure.

Aaron manipulates the picture to remove the middle third and match up the two end pieces. A new picture shows Kevin being mauled by lions who have escaped from a circus trailer which was hit by a bus.

Aaron: How did you know to do that?

Bob: Hey, MAD Magazine lives, okay. Check out a back cover sometime.

Nick: Good catch, Bob, and good work, you two. Okay, we're ending early since the material on Kevin wasn't that extensive. Who wants to go next? Jon? Rich – you two ready to go? Good enough.

Disclaimer

Copyright (C) 2001 by Steven A. Brown, all rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews (yeah, like that's going to happen), and 2) the complete, unaltered text of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only (again, like that's going to happen).

Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.

The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Sandi Griffin, Timothy O'Neill, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.

The Characters of future students are entirely fictionalized and only sounds like the names of other fan fiction authors whose work I have read and enjoyed. Just wait until I start putting in other author's nam... er, that is, it's all a coincidence I tell you. A coincidence! To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real. Or could it? I leave questions like that to philosophers, or to OTR drivers who have experienced significant sleep deprivation.