Synopsis: The issue of Daria’s maternal lineage is finally answered, in rather silly fashion.
The events of the last week had
rendered Daria Morgendorffer speechless. Through several unsubtle clues, her
very identity had been called into question. The years of parental badgering,
the sisterly torment of Quinn, all appeared a falsehood, her very life seemed
to be founded upon a lie. Having finally embraced her position, Daria
reluctantly prepared for its disappearance.
It had all begun with the 'voluntary' blood test held at
school. Conducted to detect possible donors, (It was rumoured Ms Li needed a
top-up for her supplies) the result had been shocking. B. Neither
Jake nor Helen shared this type, suggesting either a hidden surrogate past, or
unknown parents. Only Daria's trembling body revealed her cathartic state, one
she was finding difficult to escape.
Ever perceptive, Jane soon noticed
something was wrong.
"So Daria, you always felt like you were never a part
of your family" she had joked.
"Jane, this is serious. I could have a whole new
family to favour my siblings. At least Mom and Dad tried to be caring
parents" Daria abruptly responded. This was no time for jokes. Somewhere
in the distance, a lonely organ played into the starry night.
However, this was not the end of the Lawndale health
regime and its revelations. She soon submitted to a compulsory DNA test.
(“For uh, safekeeping’, Ms. Li had announced.) The results were
more positive, showing Barksdale traces. Perhaps Helen had had that affair.
Probably not, Daria reflected. The doubt remained. All she knew was that her
connection with the Morgendorffer line was severed. While not sharing genetic
material with the notorious Mad Dog Morgendorffer was not entirely a curse,
neither was it a blessing.
Somehow, Daria endured another day of school life with
stoicism. The idiocy, the conformity, all passed before her in a hellish blur.
She survived only out of experience. Few saw through her façade.
Trudging home that day, Daria saw two
unusual sights. Firstly, her mother Helen was home. Secondly, and more
unusually, she was conversing with an individual who was most definitely not
Eric. (His name being unmentioned was a dead giveaway.) Despite this, she
appeared immersed and unaware of Daria’s presence.
"She has to know now, she’s almost eighteen
years old! How long can we continue the charade?"
Daria looked on anxiously, observing Helen’s focused nods and expressive gestures.
"Yes, I'll see you then. Goodbye Amy."
Daria had overheard it all. "Mom? What’s
happening?" Daria asked.
Surprised by hearing Daria’s voice without its
familiar monotone, Helen turned; "Oh, hello sweety. Your...Aunt Amy is
coming tonight. Daria, we have to talk."
"Oh good. Is this where I discover I really do come
from another planet?" Daria responded, her cynicism on autopilot.
“Oh Daria.” Helen sobbed.
Allwould soon be revealed.
Within an hour, Aunt Amy arrived in her usual fashion. Her mood too resembled Daria’s, focusing on the matter at hand and choosing not to exercise her pithy wit. The near-silence of her close relatives worried Helen. Meanwhile, Daria sat anxiously on the lounge.
Nervously, painfully, Helen began;
"Daria, listen. We have something shocking to tell
you... I'm not your mother."
Suddenly, Daria comprehended. The hints had been obvious,
in retrospect. The blood test, Amy's mysteriously sudden visit, the expository
dialogue of the last hour.
"I must be Amy's
daughter…" she thought. "It all makes sense. It could be
worse."
Impulsively, almost enthusiastically (Given the
situation), she blurted "Amy is my mother?"
Based upon the evidence, is was clearly the most logical
conclusion, founded upon precedent and similarity in appearance, manner and
intelligence. Further, many people had noticed Amy and Daria’s
similarity. Perhaps they were not so misguided after all, operating on the
basis of strong evidence. Sadly, life rarely does make sense.
Mysteriously, that organ again began to
play.
"No Daria" Jake uttered, "Your real mother
is....Your Aunt, I mean Mother Rita!"
The look of sheer horror was obvious to almost all.
Obliviously, Jake continued; "This is great, a weight off our shoulders. I
don’t know how I managed to keep that secret for seventeen years!
Seriously though, we're sure you'll love being Rita's daughter.”
“We wouldn’t have announced it otherwise” Helen added.
“Like mother like daughter!"
Jake boorishly concluded.
"But where is she?" Daria enquired. ”Where
is my mother?”
"Oh, she’s off being Mother's favourite again
with her 937th boyfriend in tow. Or was that 942nd?" scornfully
responded Helen.
Looking around the room that now seemed so unfamiliar,
Daria grew yet more confused. It had all seemed to make sense. A thought arose.
If Amy wasn't her mother, why had she suddenly turned up for the occasion?
"Amy--why?" Daria tearfully asked.
"I came to give moral support to my favourite niece.
I’m sorry." Amy answered.
“Don’t worry. You didn’t have anything to do with it” Daria responded.
“I know, but you’re still my favourite niece.”, said Amy, giving Daria a small squeeze. Quinn ignored the gesture.
Sadly, Amy’s concern did little
for Daria, caught amidst the collapsing foundations of her life. It was all too
much. Despite her aunt's support, Daria collapsed to the floor. Quinn appeared
almost triumphant, cut short by glares from Helen and Amy.
The silence was soon broken by Jake, speaking with his
usual lack of concern. He spoke loudly enough to awaken Daria, still trying
vainly to come to terms.
"Wow Daria, what a shock! Now I know your mother
couldn’t be here, but just wait until you see the father! I'll cue the
music."
Just then, Charles Ruttheimer II entered the room,
accompanied by the smooth sensual sounds of Barry White.
“Daria, baby!” he implored.
That moment, the organ music could no longer be heard.
Daria Morgendorffer’s piercing scream was heard all throughout Lawndale.