The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.
Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real.
Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.
Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.
Opening Sequence:
Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage plays:
A new male teacher looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.
The teacher is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.
Pizza King. The teacher is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.
A dance. The teacher approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.
The classroom again. The teacher pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.
The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is the teacher, who's looking rather unimpressed.
Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.
The Zen. The teacher is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria.
Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in:
T.P.A.1
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck
Episode 1:11 of The New Teacher Series.
Scene: Establishing Exterior shot of Lawndale High. Cut to Daria and Jane in Janet Barch's Homeroom.
Jane: Daria, that was rather mean, even for you. You should have given him another chance.2
Daria: I already had given him another chance. If Tom's not the type to realize I'd never cheat on him with someone like Jimmy by the time we'd been dating that long, then he's just not my type. Period.
Jane: It's an honest reaction. Imagine what my reaction would have been if I had seen that kiss in the Matador.
Daria: Okay, I admit it. But the thing is, it wasn't me, it was someone else. I don't ever take the blame for what isn't my fault. Not unless there's some bigtime cash involved.
Principal Li: (Over the intercom. Startled looks on Daria and Jane's Faces, then pan to the intercom speaker) Attention Please. This is your principal Ms. Li here at LAWNDALE HIGH. I have some announcements to make. First, because of a certain someone who shall remain nameless, LAWNDALE HIGH didn't make it to the postseason this year in football. Lets hope the hockey team has better results. To whomever is spraypainting bells and gift packages on the bathroom mirrors, I can only say that if you don't stop starting today, you will be expelled for sure. And that goes double for the shi-uh student who put vallium in the drug sniffing dogs's water bowl. Finally, I would like to congratulate the Academic team for their record, now 7-0. There will be a PTA meeting on Wednesday. Oh, and the rumor going around that the hamburger used in the cafeteria is contaminated with bacteria is totally false. Besides, that germ is already inside each and everyone of us anyway.3 That is all.
Cut back to Daria and Jane getting up as the bell rings.
Daria: Well that's a relief. And to think I was brown bagging canned sardines, Vegimite, and prunes for nothing.
Jane: Well I suppose that explains all the recent absences. And here I thought that a wave of truancy had swept our noble institution.
Daria: And I thought that maybe Artie was on the right track.
Daria and Jane: (In Chorus) Nahh...
Cut to:
Scene: Mr. DeMartino's Room. Mr. DeMartino is in front of the class holding a piece of paper.
DeMartino: If THIS is the BEST that MOST of YOU can do, most of you WILL be SEEING me in THIS class AGAIN. ONCE AGAIN, the CAMP David ACCORDS were NOT a LIMITED-EDITION Honda AUTOMOBILE.
Cut to Quinn and Stacy.
Stacy: So, what did Ms. Barch say.
Quinn: She said that she would bring someone to help me with that presentation.
Stacy: Really?
Quinn: Yeah. You know, Stacy, I feel really good about this.
Stacy: Think it will improve the food?
Quinn: There's only one way to find out.
Cut to the intercom speaker
Principal Li: Quinn Morgendorffer, Please report to my office immediately.
Cut to:
Scene: Quinn walking into Principal Li's office. Cut to a smiling Angela Li.
Li: Good afternoon Ms. Morgendorffer. Do sit down. Do sit down.
Cut to Quinn sitting down in front of Li's desk.
Quinn: Ms. Li, what's this all about?
Cut to Li.
Li: This is a matter of trivialities.
Cut to Quinn
Quinn: Huhh?
Cut to Li.
Li: A while back, Just before the homecoming game, to be exact, Coach McNulty received a cell phone call from someone who's voice was electronically altered.4 It gave him some... juicy information involving the Football Field of LAWNDALE HIGH. The voice attempted to blackmail the coach to try to keep him silent. (Cut to Quinn's incredulous face) It was too brief to trace, but the electronic disguise was easily pierced. It turned out to be one Charles Ruttheimer III. So we checked the records of his cell phone and discovered numerous calls both incoming and outgoing to your personal number at your house. (Quinn slowly facefaults) The most recent call you received from him was from the cabin phone near the county line, the one he was hiding out from after escaping juvenile detention, a week before Thanksgiving.5 (Cut back to a triumphant Angela Li) I see I'm making some headway here.
Cut to Quinn.
Quinn: What does this mean?
Cut to Li.
Li: Fixing homecoming is a serious matter, but since it brought glory to LAWNDALE HIGH, I am willing to overlook it. Aiding and abetting an escapee from a Juvenile facility is another matter, except that since it didn't take place on school grounds and you didn't do it on school time, it technically isn't any of my business. It is the business of the local Texas Rangers station and other law enforcement officials, however. To put it bluntly, if you don't report your findings at the appointed time, neither will I. Now, rather than belabor this matter, I will simply send you back to class.
Commercial Break. Stinger: Quinn facefaulting.
Scene: Daria's Room. Daria is at her computer typing something out. Pan over to a knock on the door. Cut back to Daria.
Daria: Come in, unless you're Tom.
Cut to the door, where Quinn opens it and steps through. Maintain the shot while she is talking until she reaches Daria.
Quinn: Daria, I need help.
Daria: What's this about?
Quinn: Well, Ms. Li's trying to blackmail me.
Daria: And this is news because?
Quinn: Daria, this is serious. I could go to jail because of it.
Daria: No, they'll just stick you in a reform school with Upchuck. (Notices Quinn's reaction.) But not if I can help it. Is this about the report you are going to give at the P.T.A. meeting?
Quinn Nods
Daria: I see. How is it that Ms. Li could get you arrested.
Quinn: Remember my revenge for those rumors I didn't start?6
Daria: I remember you talking to me about it. I also didn't want to hear a word about it.
Quinn: Well, my revenge happened during halftime at the homecoming game.7
Daria: What does that mean- (Facefaults) You mean that Sandi and Jeffy slipping and falling when being presented to the judges was your doing?
Quinn nods.
Daria: (Slowly regaining composure) Hmm. On one hand, fixing the Homecoming game, however inadvertently, is pretty low. Especially since Kevin was placed on academic probation. On the other hand, I never really cared for Sandi and she did start this thing. (Face Hardening) Then there's the fact that I can never forgive Ms. Li for that cruise ship casino night8 or the poster contest for Waif.9 (Sighs) Okay, I'll do it. (Beat) But next time, Quinn, think about the consequences of your actions.
Quinn looks kind of stunned.
Daria: What's the matter, Quinn? Cat got your tongue?
Quinn: Uh... Thank you Daria.
Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) You're welcome, sis.
Cut to:
Montage: Music: Just a Girl by No Doubt.
Split Screen Between Daria and Jodie talking on the phone. Close Daria's window as Jodie hangs up and wheels to her computer, typing up a storm on it and clicking the mouse heavily.
Daria poring over stacks of blueprints at the Public Library. Pan around her table, where the books deal with videotape editing.
Daria is at her room, on the net, clicking her mouse something furious. Pan to the printer, which is printing at warp speed.
Daria is at the bank. She signs a form and is handed some dollar bills.
Joey is in Principal Li's office, sitting down and surreptitiously taking Polaroid Captiva pictures of the desk and filing cabinets while Ms. Li is yakking about nothing much.
Daria is grimacing while peeling off dollar bills and handing them to Ted.
Quinn is on the phone, talking to Stacy.
Daria at an office supply store, at the checkout lane with a filing cabinet.
Lane Residence, downstairs Quinn inserts a hairpin into a file cabinet keyhole, gives it a slight turn and a slight wiggle. Pan to Daria and Jane, who smile proudly.
Cut to:
Scene: Sidewalk. Daria and Quinn are walking along.
Quinn: The presentation is tonight. Are you sure this will work?
Daria: As long as there are no complications. When will you speak?
Quinn: Well, I and Ms. Barch's friend will be up on stage at 7:00, just after the first coffee and doughnut break.
Daria: I see. That will give us a forty minute window. I'll tell Ted.
Quinn: Think I ought to do some more lock picking practice?
Daria: No, better brush up on your presentation instead.
Quinn: Daria, thank you for for doing this. This cost a lot of money and you even missed an academic team study session for me.
Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Actually, Mr. Breeck canceled it due to the PTA Meeting.
Quinn: Really?
Daria nods.
Cut to:
Scene: Split Screen between Daria's Room and the DeWitt-Clinton Kitchen. Daria and Ted are talking on the phone.
Daria: And we need to be out of there by six fifty at the latest.
Ted: No problem. The office locks won't activate until eight.
Daria: What about the security camera?
Ted: Piece of cake. I simply edited in a part of last week's tape in. Made that section read only. Even changed the time stamp to look right.
Daria: Is there anything you can't do?
Ted: I may be a wiz at doctoring videotapes, but even I can't change what the people watching the first run closed circuit TV see.
Daria: Don't worry. One of them will be busy with his Game Boy, racking up as much points on Tetris as possible, while the other will be busy building a belly button lint sculpture. Well, thanks again.
Ted: Hey, considering what you're paying me, this had better work.
Cut to:
Scene: Evening Establishing Shot of Lawndale High, Exterior. Cut to the Auditorium, where Anthony DeMartino is rapping a gavel on a podium to try to get attention against the background murmuring..
DeMartino: ATTENTION, ATTENTION you ANIMALS, (Raps the gavel again three times) I said ATTENTION! (Continues to rap the gavel)
Zoom out somewhat, to reveal Ben Breeck, Claire DeFoe, Timothy O'Neill Janet Barch and several other unknown faculty members sitting in a row of chairs behind DeMartino. Conspicuously absent is Angela Li. Cut to a section of that row.
One of the Female Teachers: Is Angela always this late, or is this an aberration?
Timothy O'Neill: She's never been this late before.
DeMartino: I SAID I want ORDER!
Quick Cut to long shot of the stage. Janet Barch puts two fingers into her mouth an whistles shrilly, silencing the crowd.
DeMartino: THANK you, Janet. NOW, To the FIRST order of BUSINESS. The BOARD of EDUCATION has JUST Announced that YEAR ROUND SCHOOL is to be IMPLEMENTED starting in TWO YEARS.
Cut to That woman teacher and Timothy O'Neill.
Female Teacher: (Thought Voice Over) I wonder what's keeping her?
Cut to:
Scene: Angela Li's Automobile, through the windshield.
Li: Beep this rush hour traffic! It's never been this bad before. I'm already late. (Honks the horn a few times.) Hey, you Beep Beep, keep on moving! The light's still yellow, for crying out loud.
As Li continues to honk and swear at traffic, we cut to the car, which
is in bumper to bumper traffic at a busy intersection between a four lane
road and a two lane street. The four lane road has planted pines
at regular intervals on a grassy island in the middle. Cut to:
Scene: Daria and Quinn in the audience. Daria is reading the Lawndale Sun-Herald, The headline says "Were we actually propping up Stalin during W.W.II?" Quinn is paging through a copy of Waif.
Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Oh, dear, the journalism of this rag has been going down hill since they hired an assistant producer of Sick, Sad World as executive editor.
Quinn: (Thought Voice Over) I guess this is an incentive not to be held back.
Zoom out slightly to put Helen and Jake into the picture. Daria and Quinn look at each other, nod their heads, and turn to a parent.
Daria: Mom, could I go to the bathroom?
Quinn: Dad, I need a drink of water.
Helen. Of course, dear.
Jake: Sure, kiddo.
Daria and Quinn exit.
Jake: I wonder why Daria came to this meeting? She's never been interested in this sort of thing before.
Helen: Well, Daria did lend a hand to Quinn's presentation.
Jake: Does this mean that Daria and Quinn are starting to work out their issues? That's great!
Helen: It is wonderful. To think my daughters are working out their differences by doing a public presentation. (Beat) Jake?
Jake: Yes Dear?
Helen: Do you know what this presentation is about?
Jake: No. I thought you did.
Helen: Well, I didn't.
Jake: (Swallows) Well then, do you have any idea as to what it's about?
Cut to:
Scene: The Hallway of Lawndale High. Daria and Quinn are walking along.
Quinn: You sure you have everything?
Daria: We've gone through this drill three times.
Quinn: Yeah, you're right. (Beat) So, what are we going to do to keep from getting caught on tape? I don't want to get into hotter water than I already am in.
Daria: Don't worry. I've made a few special arrangements to keep off candid camera. Besides, considering the bozos in the security room, it might be overkill.
Cut to:
Scene: The security room. Bing is sitting in a corner reading an Elektra comic, while the Spatula Man is playing a Game Boy.
Bing: So, anything up on the monitors?
Spatula Man: (Looking up at the monitors) Same old same old. I wonder why she hired us to do this gig?
Bing: It's her money. Look at it this way, it beats covering high school hockey.
Cut to:
Scene: The hall, right in front of the Principal's office. Daria and Quinn are at the door to the office, putting on rubber skiing gloves.
Daria: (Consulting a watch) And with twenty minutes to spare.
Quinn: Well, time to get what we came for.
Sound of a throat clearing. Daria and Quinn facefault. Pan to Anthony DeMartino staring angrily at Daria and Quinn, his eye bulging.
Commercial Break. Stinger: Anthony DeMartino Rapping the Gavel.
Commercial:
Voice Over: On the next episode of The New Teacher Series, Ben is having problems with his duties as academic team coach.
Scene: Principal Li's office. Ben is engaged animatedly in a conversation with Li.
Ben: You mean you just sold that bus? And rented out all those other spares to Community Transit every Friday afternoon? Are you nuts?
Li: Budget cuts.
Voice Over: And it can only get worse before it gets better.
Scene: Ben is at the "It's a Nutty, Nutty World" stand, working there. His squirrel hat is on crooked and he looks like he hasn't slept in awhile.
Ben: (Sounding more than a little unbalanced) We're just nuts about nuts! (Pulls off his hat and stares into its vacant eyes) Right, Scooter?
Voice Over: All this, and Much More, Next Week!
End Commercial
Scene: Establishing Night Shot of Lawndale High School. Cut to the Hallway next to the Principal's office. Anthony DeMartino is still staring angrily at Daria and Quinn.
DeMartino: I KNEW you two were UP to NO GOOD. I KNEW it. BUT I don't know WHY you HAD to DRAG your sister Quinn into THIS.
Daria: (Sighing) Okay, you caught us. I guess this means we'll be doing detention for the rest of the year.
DeMartino: You didn't ANSWER my QUESTION.
Daria: Well, since you really want to know, Principal Li is blackmailing Quinn to keep her from speaking about the quality of the lunchroom ground beef, or lack thereof.
Quinn: We were going to dispose of the leverage she has on me.
DeMartino (Facefaulting): That BITCH! I NEVER liked her. She reminded ME of that SMUG Veterans Administration guy, who said I DIDN'T QUALIFY for disability...
Daria: (Interrupting) Really?
DeMartino (Suddenly Grinning) : Of COURSE. SURE I'll help YOU.
Daria cracks a Mona Lisa Smile, and Quinn beams from ear to ear.
Cut to:
Scene: The Home Economics Room. The faculty and the parents have retired for a break there. Jake and Helen are talking to Ben, holding cups of punch.
Ben: Daria's an incredible student. Her essay on the chicanery that went on during the Crusades was a marvel to behold. She has the highest average in my class right now.
Jake: You're serious? That's wonderful news.
Helen: It certainly is. (Beat) So, if you aren't busy, I can arrange a date with Mindy for you.
Ben: The lady at your firm who defended me?10 No thanks. I'm already taken.
Helen smiles falsely and grits her teeth.
Helen: (Thought Voice Over) Well, then, she can't say I didn't try. I'll have to find another partner to do favors for.
Jake turns his head. Then acquires a concerned expression.
Jake: Daria, Quinn. You worried me sick. Where did you go?
Pan to Daria, Quinn, and Anthony DeMartino, who is right behind them.
Daria: We got turned around, kind of.
Quinn: It's a good thing Mr. DeMartino found us or we would have been really lost.
Cut to Jake.
Jake: Well just glad you two are okay. Hey, Tony, is it? (Walks over to put DeMartino in the shot. Claps DeMartino on the shoulder) How are you? Your colleague has been telling some things about you. Is it really true...
As Jake's speech blends into the background, cut to Daria and Quinn, who wipe their respective brows with an identical motion. Then they notice this and facefault.
Cut to:
Scene: The Auditorium. Anthony DeMartino is up on the podium. Flanking him just behind are Quinn and an unknown woman with her black hair tied into an inberted pony tail.
DeMartino: And NOW for our NEXT order of BUSINESS. Quinn MORGENDORFFER will now make a PRESENTATION involving her RECENT findings for a BIOLOGY project. ASSISTING her is a MICROBIOLOGIST from the UNIVERSITY of TEXAS at AUSTIN, Dr. Marge SWIFT.
DeMartino steps away from the podium. Quinn steps up to it.
Quinn: Thank you very much. Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you with some shocking news. A week ago, I had a severe bout of nausea. I feared that it was a new strain of stomach flu, or something much worse. As it turned out, it was something different. Ms. Swift, if you could please turn off the stage lights and turn on the slide projector?
Lights go off. Cut to two second scenes of Quinn talking interspersed with a clock, where the second hand is moving at warp speed, as Billy Joel's We Didn't Start The Fire plays. At the end of the second refrain, cut back to Quinn and end the song.
Quinn: So as you can see, this is not a strain of intestinal bacteria, but a closely related pathogen that definitely should not be colonizing students' and teachers' digestive systems. Lights Please?
Lights come back on. Quinn collects her papers and returns to her seat. Anthony DeMartino returns to the podium.
DeMartino: Very ENLIGHTENING, Miss MORGENDORFFER. Now, are there any COMMENTS from ANYONE? Ah, MICHELLE LANDON.
Pan to Michelle Landon walking down the isle, ascending the stage, and walking over to the podium. Cut to Daria next to her parents.
Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Michelle Landon, come on down! You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!
Cut to Michelle Landon at the podium.
Michelle Landon: This action is unbelievable. All this time they have been worse than poisoning my Jodie. I could have sent her to Grove Hills11 or Fielding, and instead I thought I could save money and insure that she learned valuable lessons about socialization. I move that a copy of the minutes of this meeting be sent to the state Department of Education and that a second copy be sent to the State Attorney General!
Michelle exits the shot. DeMartino returns to the podium.
DeMartino: ANYONE want to SECOND that MOTION?
O'Neill: (Offscreen) Sure, I'll do it.
DeMartino: Then I YIELD the FLOOR to TIMOTHY.
DeMartino walks over to his seat, and O'Neill gets behind the podium.
O'Neill: It takes a lot to make me blow my top, but this is absolutely outrageous. I not only second it, I volunteer to deliver them personally at the start of Christmas Vacation next Saturday.
Roar of approval. Wipe to the Lawndale High Parking Lot, where people are getting into their cars. Cut to Principal Li's car pulling into a space and Angela Li running out of it, forgetting to close the door.
Li: No, No, You can't start the meeting yet, you can't!
Li runs into Timothy O'Neill and they both fall down.
Li: (Scrambling to get up) Stop it, Please!
Zoom out to put DeMartino in the shot.
DeMartino: Too late, ANGELA, your dirty SECRET'S out. And to THINK that you had to RESORT to BLACKMAILING a STUDENT! For SHAME.
Li begins weeping. Pan to Daria looking on with a Mona Lisa Smile.
Jane: (Off Screen) Yo, Daria.
Daria looks behind, pan to Jane walking up Maintain the shot as she reaches Daria.
Daria: I thought you were on a hot date at the wax museum with Isaac.
Jane: The place closed. Something about a record heat wave and a broken air conditioner. It sounded like beep to me. So I and Isaac, we kind of toilet papered it. And the operation?
Daria: A success. So, how is Mystik Spiral doing, or should I ask?
Jane: Okay, although they barely made one recording session, and that nearly invoked some of the worse clauses of the contract.
Daria: Really?
Jane: It was the week before Thanksgiving. Jesse was the one carrying Upchuck, that incident that got on Sick, Sad World.12 (As Jane says this part, Daria Facefaults.) Turned out he was doing it for Quinn of all people. He was Damn lucky he didn't land in the big house himself.
Daria: (Ominous Tone) Really?
Jane: I thought you knew, Daria. Daria?
Daria turns and exits the shot. Cut to Daria approaching Quinn with a grim expression.
Quinn: Daria, There you are. Mom was looking for you. You do want to ride home don't you?
Daria: Why didn't you tell me about Upchuck? I knew that Principal Li had more on you than just fixing a game. Especially since it was in Lawndale's favor.
Quinn: But I thought...
Daria: (Interrupting) Quinn, in all my time here at this- ahem- institution of secondary education, only two faculty members have even come close to giving me a good experience with education. Upchuck tried to send one of them up the river. Why did you do it? No, don't answer that one, I don't want to know. And I thought that we were finally being sisters! Don't ever come to me for help ever again, even if it's life or death!
Daria stalks off. Quinn has a numb, open-mouthed, uncomprehending expression.
Roll Credits. Theme: Be True to Your School by the Beach Boys.
Makeovers:
Daria as Lara Croft.
Quinn as Cate Archer
Stacy as a Ghurka
Ted DeWitt-Clinton as Q (The Gadgeteer for Ian Flemming's take on the MI5)
Anthony DeMartino as Mr. Clark
Timothy O'Neill as Jack Ryan
Michelle Landon and Helen as Bambi and Thumper from Diamonds are Forever.
Angela Li as Frau Krebbs
Daria Logo
Notes:
1. For those of you who don't get the joke, the title is a play on "T.P." which is something that Beavis as Cornholio needs.
2. The incident happened in question happened in TNTS 1:10: Strained Relations.
3. That was also revealed in TNTS 1:10: Strained Relations.
5. During the events of Roasted, Prime Chuck.
6. She didn't start any rumors in Family Junk Bonds.
7. This was indirectly referred to in Homecoming Dunce.
10. Mindy Riorden defended my fanfic persona in Courtroom Trauma.