Chapter 1 – Getting There Is Half The Fun


(Scene: Jane’s room. Music: "Queer" by Garbage. Jane is throwing art supplies into a bag and talking on the phone.)

Jane: Oh, come ON! You PROMISED you’d talk to him!¹

Lynn: (VO from phone) And I meant it.

(Cut to Lynn’s room. Lynn is online on two windows – IRC channel and Subversion Is We.)

Lynn: I just needed some information before I did so. I just talked to Aunt Lorna over IRC – well, if you call that talking – and I have a proposition for Trent that might just cheer him up.

(Cut to Jane’s room. Jane is sorting through her closet, throwing clothes haphazardly into her bag.)

Jane: (smirk) Ooh … that sounds kinky! I guess the Daria resemblance isn’t only skin-deep AFTER all!

(Cut to Lynn’s room. Lynn looks vaguely pissed off, but lets it slide.)

Lynn: (deadpan) And you just get wittier and wittier every time I talk to you. (beat) I meant a career advancement opportunity that doesn’t involve him becoming a toll collector on a highway … which I happen to know is his worst fear.

Jane: (VO from phone) How do you know THAT?

Lynn: A few choice mutters from the back of the Mercedes during the road trip.² You know as well as ANYONE that the narcoleptic is more talkative asleep than awake.

Jane: (VO from phone; chuckle) So … apart from the obvious, what do I pack?

Lynn: Rain gear.

(Cut to Jane’s room. She looks in confusion at her luggage.)

Jane: (confused) RAIN gear?

Lynn: (VO from phone) Yes, rain gear. It rains a lot in England at this time of year.

Jane: (thinking) I don’t think I HAVE rain gear. What do I do?

(Cut to Lynn’s room.)

Lynn: (shrug) Drown.


(Scene: Lane basement. Trent is playing something mournful but loud enough to shake the walls. The basement door opens and Jane and Lynn stand in the doorway.)

Lynn: (yelling over noise) He’s been doing this for HOW long?

Jane: (yelling over noise) Since Daria talked to him a few weeks back.³ You promised; now DO something!

(Jane gives Lynn a shove forwards; this nearly knocks Lynn down the stairs. Lynn glares at Jane and then goes down. She hears the door slam behind her – barely – over the music.)

Lynn: (thought VO) Now I know how a fly in a Venus flytrap feels. (aloud) Hey, Trent?

(No reply. Trent can’t hear over his own playing.)

Lynn: (louder) Hey, Trent!

(Still nothing.)

Lynn: (yelling) HEY, TRENT!

(No dice. Trent still can’t hear.)

Lynn: (thought VO) Either I shout myself into apoplexy or…

(She pulls the plug on the amp. Trent’s guitar riffs turn into muted twanging noises. He looks around and sees Lynn.)

Lynn: You know, you really ought to have some sort of signal so I don’t have to do things like this.⁴

Trent: (low) Hey, Lynn.

Lynn: (casual) I meant to ask … who’s your manager? I mean, who books the gigs?

Trent: (thinks) Dunno. I mean … whichever one of us gets to the bar first, usually.

Lynn: (casual) Right … so if I was to act as your manager on a gig, it would be kosher? So long as you were all in agreement, of course.

Trent: (puzzled) I guess, but…

Lynn: (businesslike) Good. If you’re all agreeable, you’ll be touring London starting in three days.

Trent: (stunned) WHAT?

Lynn: Through a contact of my aunt’s in London, I’ve managed to land Mystik Spiral a gig as a support band on Camden’s grunge bar circuit. If you all wanted to. I mean, it could be a big break for you … if you want to take it.

Trent: Aren’t you, Janey and Daria going to London at the same time?⁵

Lynn: Yep. AP decided to come along at the last minute, too. Accommodation free if you want to stay with my Aunt Lorna and the rest of us in Soho.

Trent: (torn) Um … I…

Lynn: (annoyed) You’re not going to bail on a really big opportunity just because some girl that ditched you happens to be going along, are you? I thought you and Daria were staying friends.

Trent: (shamefaced) We are.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Well, if one of MY friends was avoiding me and even throwing away a chance of a lifetime to not be in the same country as me for a couple of weeks, I’d have some SERIOUS questions to ask that friend. (beat) Now are you coming or not?

Trent: Um … I’d look really stupid if I said no NOW, wouldn’t I?

(Lynn’s only reply is a raised eyebrow.)

Trent: (musing) And it WOULD be pretty cool to play in another country…

(Lynn smirks – she knows she’s got him.)

Trent: (decisive) Yeah. We’ll do it. I gotta go call the guys.

(Trent puts down the guitar and heads for the stairs.)

Lynn: (calling after him) Just don’t forget to PACK!


(Scene: Lane house, exterior. Music: "Supersonic" by Oasis. Obviously this is the central gathering point for all concerned. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are standing by the Mercedes while Mystik Spiral is loading their gear into the Tank. Max approaches Lynn, looking stressed.)

Max: (panic) Are you SURE she’ll be okay in the airport long stay lot? I mean, I nearly lost her once and I CAN’T face that again!⁶

Lynn: Did you ever take the Tank to a mechanic?

Max: (clueless) Why? She works…

Lynn: (sigh) Max, the engine’s held together with audio equipment and duct tape. (shrug) Never mind; your funeral. And the car will be FINE in the long stay lot. Would I be trusting the Mercedes in it otherwise?

Jane: (sly) And what do you have rigged in case someone DOES try to steal it?

AP: (smug) It would scare you to find out. She contracted me to rig the security.

Jane: (to Daria) So, come on, Daria. What were your family’s parting shots before you left the house?

Daria: (thinks) Dad handed me some cash, told me in the most vague terms possible to watch out for perverts, and started rambling about his military school days just after telling me how travel broadens the mind. Mom handed me some cash, told me that she would turn any would-be rapist into legal mulch and made me promise to call on Christmas Day and New Year’s Day … reversing the charges, of course. If the phones work. Quinn handed me some cash and a list of the duty-free perfumes she wanted, told me to find the Fashion Café and take pictures of any famous models, and very quietly told me to have a good time.

Jane: Is that what ALL parents are like?

Lynn: Pretty much. (beat) Okay, if we’re all packed and ready … wagons ho!


(Long shot of the Mercedes pulling away from the Lane house, followed by the Tank. Music plays on.)

(Scene: The Mercedes. Music plays on. Lynn driving. Jane riding shotgun. Daria and AP in the backseat.)

Lynn: (to Jane) So did he finally stop the romantic slush?

Jane: (groan) Yes, but then he and the rest of the band holed up in the basement and started practising day and night. They did that for the last three days. I had to sleep in the pottery bunker to get away from the noise.

Lynn: Have they improved since I last heard them?

Jane: (sigh) Not noticeably.

(Slight scene shift to the backseat of the Mercedes. Daria and AP are sitting a bit tensely, obviously nervous about touching as yet.)

AP: So … nervous?

Daria: Yeah. Um … I’m not that great a flier.

AP: Got any Dramamine?

Daria: (defensive) I’m not THAT bad.

AP: (taken aback) Oh.


(Scene: The Tank. Music plays on. Max is driving. Trent is riding shotgun – slumped against the window and fast asleep. Jesse and Nick are sitting on the trunk in the back, leaning against opposite walls of the van housing, also fast asleep. Max looks bored.)

Max: Hey, guys, what say we play the picnic game again?⁷ (beat) Guys? (beat) Aw, come ON, you guys!


(Scene: faceless airport departure lounge. Lynn stands a carousel of paperback books in front of a little magazine shop at the far left corner of shot. Jane is in another corner of the shot, sketching a rather obese man overflowing out of an uncomfortable plastic contoured chairs you sometimes find in airports. Max, Nick and Jesse are asleep in similar plastic chairs. This leaves Daria, AP and Trent to take up the middle of the shot, looking nervously at each other.)

Trent: So … Daria…

Daria: Yeah?

Trent: (stumbling) How’s school been?

Daria: We got Ms Li arrested and they had to start Christmas vacation a week or so early.⁸

Trent: (has no response to that) Oh.

Daria: (stumbling) You got any new songs prepared for your London debut?

Trent: (enthusiastic) Yeah! We got this new one I wrote about a month ago called "Death To The…" ("whoops" expression) "…Techno-Weasels".

Daria: (uncomfortable) Oh.

(There is a pause.)

AP: (trying to start a conversation) Hey, what sort of PA you guys running?

Trent: Um… Dunno.

AP: (disappointed) Oh. (beat; hopeful) Hey, I can have a look at it for you if you want! Boost the power and fiddle around with the circuitry and you could blow the roof RIGHT off any venue!

Trent: (distrustful) Um … no. Thanks.

(There is an uncomfortable pause. They eye each other nervously; their body language clearly shows that none of them want to leave the other two alone together.)

(Scene shift to Lynn. She is spinning the carousel and muttering. An irritated-looking saleswoman is standing behind her.)

Lynn: (mutter) The ghost-writer currently known as VC Andrews… The Green Mile in one volume – someone’s found yet ANOTHER way to screw Stephen King fans… Courtroom drama… Chick-novel…

Saleswoman: (annoyed) Have you DECIDED?

Lynn: (picks out a book; calm) Yes.

(There is a loaded pause)

Saleswoman: (exasperated) YES?

Lynn: (deadpan) I have decided that airports are where all crappy novels go to die. (hands the book back and then spots Daria, Trent and AP. Her face takes on an expression that clearly says "uh-oh" and she moves to join them.)

Daria: (relieved) Hey, Lynn.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow; "I understand") Hey. Tell me you brought something to read on the plane. There are no decent books to be had ANYWHERE here. And even once we get to New York, it’s about seven hours’ flying before we get to London. And you can’t rely on the in-flight entertainment to be … well, entertaining in ANY respect.

Daria: (Tiffany imitation) Me … without a BOOK? That is SO wrong…

Lynn: (curious) What’d you bring?

Daria: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance … I Never Promised You A Rose Garden … The Life of Galileo by Brecht … The Acid House … and The Sickest Of Sick Sad World. (beat) You?

Lynn: (crestfallen) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance … I Never Promised You A Rose Garden … The Threepenny Opera by Brecht … Trainspotting … and The Best Of Subversion Is We.

AP: (chuckle) Man, you two really ARE practically the same person!

(Daria rolls her eyes. Lynn seethes briefly.)


(Long shot of a plane taking off.)

(Shot of a row of three plane seats. Jane is sitting by the window, watching the takeoff. Daria in the centre, sunk back into her seat as far as she can go with her hands tightly clutching the armrests. Lynn on the aisle, wearing a set of headphones and reading "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden".)

(Shot of a row of five plane seats. AP on the far left, wearing a set of headphones and reading a copy of PC Pro. Max, Jesse and Nick in the middle, still asleep and snoring loudly. Trent on the far right, glaring at AP. Then he puts on headphones and drops off to sleep himself.)

(Long shot of the plane again, with a voice-over)

Captain: This is your captain speaking. We’re approaching some storm activity and there’s likely to be some turbulence. We ask you to keep your seat belts fastened…

(Pan across – left to right – across the plane seats occupied by the gang. The plane is bouncing rather badly. Jane is looking out the window with a fearful but also slightly excited look on her face. Daria goes slightly green and grabs an airsick bag from the pocket of the seat in front of her, then bends over and retches quietly. Lynn is still casually reading her book. AP is curled up into the KYAG position [This is a reference to the safe curled-up position one’s supposed to take if the plane is crashing – it stands for Kiss Your Ass Goodbye]. Mystik Spiral sleeps on.)


(Long shot of plane landing)

Captain: (VO) Welcome to New York La Guardia Airport…


(Scene: yet another faceless airport departure lounge. Daria is slumped in a seat, looking slightly green. AP is sitting beside her, pale and in slight psychological shock. Jane is sketching a burning plane wreck. Lynn is quietly reading her book. There is no sign of Mystik Spiral.)

Jane: (looking up from sketchpad) Where are they? I’m STARVED!

Daria: (weak) How can you want to eat after that flight?

Lynn: (shrug) That was nothing. You should see the turbulence you sometimes get over the Atlantic.

(Daria groans and puts her head in her hands. Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max arrive bearing a few bags with a familiar burger restaurant’s logo emblazoned on them.)

Trent: We got food!

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Depending on how discerning you are…

(Daria looks up briefly, groans and puts her head in her hands again. AP doesn’t even look over. Without looking, Jane grabs at a bag. She sets it down on the table, rummages through it one-handed while still sketching and pulls out a handful of French fries, which she stuffs into her mouth. Lynn raises her eyebrows and takes one of the greasy bags.)

Lynn: It’s either this or airline food … hmm. Tough call.

(And she throws her bag of grease into the nearest garbage can.)


(Scene: row of three airline seats. Once again, Lynn is on the aisle, Jane is by the window and Daria is in the middle.)

Lynn: There should be decent food on this one, anyway. They have to feed you well if they’re holding you hostage on a plane for a few hours. And free drinks.

(A stewardess approaches, wheeling her little cart.)

Stew: (smile) What would you like?

Lynn: Bacardi and Coke, please. No ice.

(The woman nods and ducks to her cart. Daria and Jane turn to stare at her.)

Daria and Jane: (in unison) WHAT?

Lynn: We’re on British Airways and consequently under British jurisdiction. Eighteen’s the legal drinking age.⁹ (gives a "shut up" glare.)

Jane: (gleeful) Oh … right! (to stew) Vodka and orange juice, please.

Daria: (weak) Got any tea?

(The stew gives her a strange look; "Are you KIDDING? Of COURSE!")

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Remember what I told you about British jurisdiction?


Chapter 2 – The Necessary Whirlwind Tour


(Scene: faceless airport arrival lounge. Lynn is guiding Daria and Jane – who are both staggering and a bit green, if for slightly different reasons – towards a youngish woman in a large purple sweater and black leggings. She has auburn hair and glasses. Behind them, AP and Mystik Spiral are wheeling luggage carts, most of which are laden with musical instruments etc.)

Lynn: (to the woman in the purple jumper) Hi, Aunt Lorna.

Lorna: Just Lorna. (beat) Bad flight?

Lynn: In a way. There was some pretty bad turbulence and I don’t think Daria flies well. But Jane discovered the joys of a lower legal drinking age and the fact that no one in England cares anyway and…

Lorna: Wasted?

(Daria and Jane now look greener and a bit panicked. Lynn blindly shoves them both towards and then through a door marked "Ladies".)

Lynn: (wry) Inelegantly.

Lorna: (smirk) Right. They can recover on the way into the city. If you lot want to see Trafalgar Square, you’d best do it today. I don’t know when they shut it for the New Year preparations. (beat) Too bad you’re not as alike as you seem, eh?

(Lynn winces.)


(Begin montage sequence. Music: "Un-United Kingdom" by Pitchshifter.¹⁰

Piccadilly Circus – with all the neon billboards and perhaps one of the most famous of London sights.

Trafalgar Square. Jane standing on the back of one of the lions. Daria and Lynn standing on either side of the lion, arms folded – "And I’m supposed to be impressed, right?" Jane spreads her arms and turns her face towards the sky, at which point the scene freezes. The angle widens to reveal the freeze-frame as a Polaroid snapshot.

Charing Cross Road. Daria and Lynn look at all the second-hand bookshops and look impressed – for them, anyway.

The Tate Gallery. Jane is holding onto the doorframe and refusing to leave as Daria and Lynn each hold one of her boots and are pulling her away. Jane is parallel to the ground at this point. Freeze-frame and Polaroid shot as before.

The Virgin Megastore, Tottenham Court Road. Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max walk in and then just stand there like pilgrims that have finally reached Mecca.

The fuzzy-hatted guard posts at Buckingham Palace. Daria and Lynn are each standing beside a guard, seeming to mimic them. Jane is waving a hand in front of the eyes of one of the guards. He is not flinching. Freeze-frame and Polaroid shot as before.

Big Ben. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are standing across the road from it – the clock is clearly visible. AP looks at his watch. Daria, Jane and Lynn raise their eyebrows and point upwards. AP follows their pointing hands and, realising, slaps his forehead – "Doh!"¹¹

Abbey Road. Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max are walking along it, just like the Beatles on the album cover. Max is in bare feet like McCartney – even though he’s the drummer, his ‘criminale’ tendencies demand he walk barefoot when no one else would. A black cab speeds towards them as they reach the middle of the road, forcing them to scatter to avoid being hit. Trent shakes his fist at the car while Max grabs one of his feet and screams in pain. Freeze frame and Polaroid as before.

A bench somewhere. Lynn is patiently picking bits of glass and gravel off of Max’s foot, which is bleeding. Max is whimpering in pain. Nick stands nearby with a first aid kit. Lynn holds out a hand and Nick hands over a bottle of disinfectant and some cotton balls. Max panics and tries to run away. Jesse and Trent hold him down as Lynn applies the disinfectant. Max screams. Daria, Jane and AP shake their heads in utter despair.

St Paul’s Cathedral. Jane has set up an easel and is painting. A crowd of tourists has gathered around her. Daria is sitting on the steps reading "The Acid House" – she looks bored. Lynn is standing nearly in front of Jane. A pigeon lands on her head and she stands there with her arms crossed, looking annoyed. Freeze-frame and Polaroid as before.

Leicester Square. Daria, Lynn and Jane come up to a souvenir shop and look at the window. There is a Fashion Café logo on it – the place has obviously closed down. Daria raises her camera and takes a picture of the fate of the Fashion Café. All three girls smirk and then move on.

Carnaby Street, Soho. The entire gang walks out of a shop and look expectantly at Lynn. She reaches into her bag and pulls out a long striped knitted hat in varying shades of purple with a purple pom-pom on the end. Sighing, she puts on the hat. Everyone smirks/laughs at her. Freeze-frame and Polaroid as before.

Soho. A small door painted green set between a couple of storefronts. Lorna opens it and goes in, followed by the gang.

End montage.)


(Scene: the flat’s lounge area. It is a large clear space with two mismatched sofas, several battered armchairs, and a huge rosewood coffee table. Everyone looks around but Lorna, who makes for a hallway across the room, talking at speed.)

Lorna: Right – I’m meeting David in an hour – make yourself at home – lots of bedrooms so no problem – Lynn knows where everything is; she’ll show you around – there might be no food but there’s lots of restaurants – money in hidden panel in coffee table – see you lot later – have fun – bye! (slam of bedroom door)

Daria: What was THAT?

Lynn: She gets like that sometimes. She has some musical connections and makes a hobby out of dragging bands out of nothingness by fair means or foul. But she’s also the original serial date-queen.

Daria: She is the lovechild of you and Quinn. If such a thing were possible.

Lynn: Oh, please. You have tapped into my worst nightmare.

Jane: So now what do we do?

(We see that Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max have collapsed onto one of the sofas and are sleeping.)

Jane: Stupid question.

AP: I could use some food.

Lynn: Right. Let’s check the food situation.


(Scene: the kitchen. Lynn opens the fridge door and peers in.)

Lynn: Two dried-up strips of bacon … a bag of green sludge that used to be spinach … and the dregs of a bottle of red wine. (beat) Anything in the cupboards?

Jane: A bag of lentils, an empty box of Pop Tarts and a scummy looking bottle of ketchup. (beat) WE have more food in our house than this.

Daria: I think the bread mould’s taking over in this box.

AP: What about good old-fashioned fish and chips? I mean, we ARE in England, right?

Lynn: True. How hard can it be to find fish and chips in London?


(Scene: Leicester Square. It is dark. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP look disheartened.)

Jane: What’s with all the Indian food?

Lynn: India was a colony, you know.

AP: Yeah, well so was Canada and you don’t see them selling reindeer meat.¹²

Daria: McDonalds everywhere.

Lynn: That’s the West End for you. So busy catering to the tourists that they forget that what a tourist sometimes wants is to partake in the culture in which they have immersed themselves. Look, let’s just hit Garfunkels. Plain, average food. We’ll get British some other time.


(Scene: the flat’s lounge area. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP walk through the front door. Mystik Spiral are still sleeping on the sofa.)

Lynn: There are six bedrooms in this place. Lorna gutted the whole floor of this building and turned it into a huge apartment. One of the rooms is hers. One is mine – I think Lorna hopes to have me move in with her some day so she’ll have someone to keep food in the house. (beat) You two mind sharing?

Jane: Not like we haven’t done it before.

AP: Crap. Tell me I don’t have to share with any of those guys.

Lynn: Take a sofa … if the guys don’t stay there for the rest of the trip.


(Scene: the flat’s lounge area. It’s morning. Daria and Jane exit one room, Lynn exits another. Mystik Spiral is STILL asleep on the sofa.)

Lynn: They’re breathing, right?

(Nick lets out a deep, evil-sounding snore.)

Daria: And a better response I have never heard.

Jane: Can we get breakfast? I don’t think I can brave that kitchen again.


(Scene: Borders [café/bookshop thing], Oxford Street. Daria and Jane are having coffee and eyeing the books.)

Daria: Well, I’ve got to admit it – it’s not so bad here. (beat) While you’re not going nuts over the architecture, the art, the…

Jane: I’m SORRY about that, already! I mean, what do you EXPECT from me?

Daria: For you to drive me crazy. What else?

(They leave their coffee cups and walk towards the bookshop proper. Daria stops at a shelf and pulls a book out with her on her way.)

Jane: See anything you like?

Daria: The new Irvine Welsh. Thought it’d make a good read on the trip home. But I’ve got to start with my Christmas shopping – it’s only a few days, after all.

Jane: Yeah, no kidding.

(They get to the cash and see Lynn standing there waiting.)

Lynn: Stephen King was here doing a book signing awhile ago and they have a few signed copies of Bag of Bones left. It’s sinfully expensive, but I never claimed to be an angel.

Jane: (takes book, reads price) That’s not so bad.

Lynn: Have you seen the exchange rate lately?

(She pulls out one of those personal organisers and taps some buttons. She shows the readout to Jane.)

Lynn: That’s what it cost in DOLLARS.

(Daria looks over Lynn’s shoulder. Sudden, horrified looks cross their faces.)

(Quick cut to the Irvine Welsh novel being slammed down onto a table and rear shots of Daria, Jane and Lynn exiting in a big tearing rush.)


(Scene: The flat’s lounge area. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are eyeing each other nervously. Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max have the dazed look of someone who’s just come out of a coma.)

Lynn: I take it you’ve noticed too, AP.

Jane: What’s up with the exchange rate?

Daria: And why is everything so damn expensive?

Lynn: The pound’s doing pretty well these days.

Jesse: Bummer.

Daria: I was planning on doing my Christmas shopping here.

Jane: No kidding; I mean, how are we going to get presents for family and… (blush) Um…

(Lorna bursts into the flat.)

Lorna: Right, everyone enjoying their holiday? Good. I'm going to a party with the corporate crud so I have to get ready. I … (notices the wary looks) What's wrong?

Lynn: It's a Christmas thing…

Lorna: (interrupting) Eight kids plus adult – nine presents – limited funds – I understand. (sits down cross-legged on floor) One – I will not be requiring gifts from ALL you people. Club together and find me a bottle of whiskey or something. Two – if you don’t want to spend all kinds of money, do the Secret Santa thing. Anyway, remember you lads have a gig tonight. Lynn has your itinerary and she’s my second in these matters so listen to her. (beat) Oh, and try to get Lynn up on stage with you sometime. I can never make her use her potential. Maybe you have a better shot. (gets up and exits)

Trent: Potential?

Lynn: (blush) Nothing, really. I showed a propensity for music in my formative years. My mother killed it by making me go into the Oakwood High School marching band.¹³ I… (sigh) I don’t want to talk about it.

(Mystik Spiral stare at her curiously. Daria and Jane look at AP, whose panicked face clearly says "DO something!")

Daria: Secret Santa?

Lynn: (stifled relieved sigh) You put a bit of paper with your name on it into a hat. Whoever draws your name buys you a present.

Trent: Sounds cool. (beat) Anyone got a hat?

(everyone looks at Lynn.)

Lynn: It sticks in your mind, that hat, doesn’t it?

(Lynn’s hat with the pom-pom is passed around. Each of the gang pulls a piece of paper out of it.

Lynn looks at her slip of paper. It says "Trent". She sighs and shakes her head.

Trent’s says "AP". He bites his lip and scowls.

AP’s says "Max". His eyes widen – "What the hell do I do NOW?"

Max’s says "Nick". He gets a really evil grin on his face and looks sidelong at Nick.

Nick’s says "Jesse". He shrugs.

Jesse’s says "Jane". No expression.

Jane’s says "Daria". She smirks – "THAT’S easy!"

Daria’s says "Lynn". She frowns in puzzlement, then shrugs – "How hard can it be?")

Lynn: Now that we’ve finished that, we have a gig to get to. We’ll use Lorna’s van. (reaches into hidden panel in coffee table, grabs keys, throws them at Jesse) Load it up but do NOT attempt to drive it.

(Mystik Spiral leaves.)

Jane: Whoa! Aren’t we the almighty general today?

AP: She’s ALWAYS like that.


Chapter 3 – Debut

(Scene: The exterior of Lorna’s flat. Music: "Bruise Pristine" by Placebo. Trent, Jesse, Nick, Max and AP are loading up the van. Daria, Jane and Lynn are watching.)

Daria: So who IS going to drive? I mean, they drive on the other side of the road here.

Lynn: I’ll take the wheel and any corresponding blame if we wreck the van. Fret not. How bad can it be?

Jane: Famous last words.

Lynn: The rest of you will have to take taxis – tell them the Camden Barfly. (beat) Who wants shotgun?

(Jane and AP look expectantly at Daria, who sighs and gives a shrug-nod of assent.)


(Scene: The van. Music plays on. Daria has her eyes tightly shut as Lynn swerves the car around.)

Lynn: I should have paid more attention to Lorna when she drove on roundabouts…¹⁴

Daria: We’re going to die…

Lynn: We’re NOT going to die. (beat) It’s a well-made van. In a crash, it dies before we do.

(Daria groans and tries to curl up into a ball on the seat. Lynn bites on her lower lip and then honks the horn, rolls down the window and leans out.)

Lynn: GET OUT OF THE ROAD, YOU LIMEY GITS! (beat) AND IF YOU’RE GIVING ME THE PEACE SIGN, YOUR HAND GOES THE OTHER WAY!

Daria: What’s a git?

Lynn: Best you don’t know. (out the window again) TAILGATE ME AGAIN AND I’LL MAKE YOU *EAT* THAT FREAKING STEERING WHEEL!


(Scene: Camden Barfly, exterior. Music plays on. Mystik Spiral, Jane and AP stand in front of the pub, which is rapidly filling. They look impatient.)

Jane: Do you think there was an accident? I mean, how does SHE know how to drive on the right?

AP: That’s NOT the kind of accident I’d be worried about.

(The van pulls up in front of them and Daria staggers out before the engine dies.)

Daria: (panting) Roundabouts … tailgating lunatics … shouting … profanity … road rage…

AP: I thought so. (turns to Lynn, who’s out and walking around the van) Did it again, right?

Lynn: Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have done the same. You see how they drive here.

AP: Worse than Boston?

Lynn: (thinks) Hmm … tough call. (beat) DEFINITELY worse than Turkey.¹⁵

AP: (stunned) Oh man…

Lynn: Never mind that for now. I’m feeling better.

Daria: Given the amount of tension you let off, I’m not surprised.

Lynn: Come on, let’s unload. These guys have a gig.


(Scene: Camden Barfly, interior. Mystik Spiral are on the stage, playing something hard and fast. Then Trent begins to sing)

Trent: (singing) Binary brainwashed
Worshipping the penguin
You can lock it all down
But somehow they can get in
They invade you
They’re a virus
Clawing at us all
From the world of C-double-plus!

Trent & Jesse: (in unison, singing)

DEATH … to the techno-weasels
DEATH … to the techno-weasels
DEATH … to the techno-weasels
Or who knows what they’ll do…
They may make a techno-weasel out of YOU!

(Hammering drums, overblown guitar solo, and slightly off-key bass riffs.)

(Cut to backstage, where Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are standing there. Daria, Jane and AP look bemused. Lynn, for some reason, looks mortified.)

Jane: This is better than his usual stuff. (looks at Daria)

Daria: Hey, I’ve barely talked to him!

(They all turn and look at Lynn.)

Lynn: (shrug) He asked.

AP: He knows about C++. (beat) I should be impressed, but…

Lynn: (defensive) Hey, he asked.

Daria: I’m actually surprised he used the penguin reference concerning Linux.

Lynn: (embarrassed) Like I said, he asked.

Jane: (smirk) And you do EVERYTHING he asks?

Lynn: I hate you.

(Back to the stage. The band are wrapping up the guitar solo. Then Trent leans towards the mike again.)

Trent: (singing) Surf the Internet
Fry your head
The virus wouldn’t spread if the weasels all were dead!

Trent & Jesse: (in unison, singing)
DEATH … to the techno-weasels
DEATH … to the techno-weasels
DEATH … to the techno-weasels
Or who knows what they’ll do…
They may make a techno-weasel out of YOU!

(Song ends with overblown drum solo. There is very slight polite applause.)

Trent: Thanks. We’re Mystik Spiral … but we’re thinking of changing the name. This next song’s called "Mr Normal".

(As they rip into their song, cut back to backstage. Daria has wandered off someplace. Jane and AP are looking at Lynn.)

AP: You KNOW who that song was about, don’t you.

Lynn: Shut up.

AP: And you helped with the lyrics anyway.

Lynn: Shut up.

AP: You like him, don’t you?

Lynn: Shut UP!

Jane: Following the trend, Daria-like?

(Lynn looks like she’s going to hit Jane. Then she turns on her heel and walks away. Jane looks confused. AP looks horrified.)

AP: Oh, man, THAT was stupid, Art-Smart Scarlet.

Jane: What?

AP: I can do that to Purple Peril because I know the limits. I’ve known her for years and I know JUST how far she can be pushed before those active volcanoes erupt. You hit one.

Jane: Well, why didn’t SHE hit ME, then?

AP: She’s temperamental but she’s not STUPID. She tries really hard to keep from doing things she’ll regret later.

Jane: (slightly pleased) Oh.

AP: She’d HATE to get kicked out of the country for decking one of her friends.

Jane: (deflated) Oh.

(And, on stage, Mystik Spiral wrap up with…)

Trent & Jesse: (in unison, singing) Hey, Mr Normal, it was YOU!


(Scene: Camden Barfly, exterior. The gang is assembled around the van. Trent and the others look happy. AP and Jane are looking warily at Lynn, who looks reckless. Daria looks a bit nervous about all the punker/Rocker/Goth types milling around)

Trent: Now THAT was cool. Did you hear the response?

Lynn: They clapped for you. How VERY.

(Trent looks at Lynn, wounded. Lynn turns away.)

Jane: So … now what do we do?

Daria: I kind of thought we’d go back…

Lynn: (scornful) On a Friday night?

Daria: Well…

Jane: What’s with the leather and hair-dye exodus?

Lynn: That would be the Electric Ballroom. Lorna told me that they have some rock night called Full Tilt on Fridays.¹⁶ (beat) I say we go for it.

Daria: Will Lorna mind?

Lynn: Will Lorna notice? Will Lorna even be IN tonight?

Trent: Looks cool.

(Lynn smiles)

AP: Come on, Erudite Emerald! Could be GREAT writing material in this for you!

Daria: (resigned) All right.

Jane: Yeah! We party until someone DIES!

(Jane looks pleadingly at Lynn, who gives her a cold, scornful look. Jane’s shoulders slump in a penitent way.)

Lynn: Okay, people, let’s go.


(Scene: Camden Electric Ballroom. It’s loud, darkly colourful and full of the most freakishly dressed people you’ve ever seen. Music: "Dragula" by Rob Zombie. Daria and AP look a little overwhelmed. Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max seem to take this in stride. Lynn and Jane wear identical expressions that say ‘whoa, cool!’.)

Lynn: Drinks?

Daria: I don’t… (looks suddenly vicious) Fine.

(They shoulder their way to the bar. Lynn stares at Jane for a moment, looking irritated, and then she gets a sly look on her face – "THIS’LL show Jane we’re not alike…" She looks at Daria with a challenge in her eyes.)

Lynn: Want to try a little competitive drinking?

Daria: Excuse me?

Lynn: You heard me. Let’s see who hits the floor first.

(Jane, knowing EXACTLY what prompted this, looks horribly guilty and wretched. The look becomes even more so when Daria looks at Lynn with an equal look of challenge)

Daria: Fine.

Lynn: (leans over the bar) TWO DOUBLE BACARDI AND COKE! (to Daria) Whoever pukes or passes out first, loses.

Daria: What are we playing for?

(Lynn raises an eyebrow. They both KNOW what they’re playing for.)

Lynn: Does it matter?

Daria: (decisive) No.

(Unnoticed, Jane slumps away. The drinks arrive, and Lynn pays. She takes one and passes the other to Daria.)

Lynn: Here’s to Misery Chicks.

(They look at each other archly for a moment.)

Daria: To Misery Chicks.

(And they knock back the drinks in one swallow. Daria coughs, sputters and nearly gags, not used to the strong drink. Lynn, unaffected, smirks.)


(Scene: Electric Ballroom upstairs mosh pit. Music: Ministry’s "New World Order". Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max are throwing themselves around to the music when AP elbows his way through the shoving mob and reaches Trent’s side.)

AP: (panting) Hey … Trent … where’s … Jane? And … Daria? And … Purple Peril?

Trent: Bug off, geek.

AP: I’m … SERIOUS! I can’t find them! And I’d be worried if I were you…

(Trent gives him a scathing look and follows him off the dance floor. Jesse, Nick and Max, oblivious, keep on dancing.)


(Scene: Electric Ballroom, corridor. Music plays on, but more softly. Trent pins AP to the nearest wall.)

Trent: Where’s Janey?

AP: Look, let me explain. Jane’s kind of … upset right now. All three of the girls are. God knows how it started, but they started a drinking contest. I was keeping an eye on them but… (gestures at the crowd around them as if begging him to understand.)

Trent: (outwardly calm) So Daria … and Lynn … and Janey … are somewhere in here. On their own. Getting bombed. (suddenly angry) And you LET THEM OUT OF YOUR SIGHT?

(AP nods miserably.)

Trent: Worthless geek punk!

AP: Hey, shut up! At least I knew something was wrong!

Trent: You little…

AP: Hey, look, do we really have the time for this? (beat) There’s a chill-out room upstairs.


(Scene: second floor chill-out room. Music: "Ashes To Ashes" by Faith No More. Daria, Jane and Lynn are seated at a table, a great many empty glasses on the table before them. Daria and Lynn look at about the same state of inebriation. Jane looks worse.)

Daria: Hey, *hic* Jane. Who’s winning here?

Jane: (slurred) There wazza CONTEST? Oh … shoot…

(A dark-haired guy in a Cradle of Filth T-shirt, knowing when he’s onto a good thing, steps up to Jane and takes a seat VERY close to her.)

Guy: Hi. Buy you a drink?

Lynn: She’s had too much *hic* already. (beat) Damn hiccups.

Daria: Yeah. Geddoudahere.

Guy: Hey, I’m talking to the Goth here, not you speccy birds.

Lynn: We are not BIRDS!

Daria: Yeah. We can’t sing worth a hill o’ beans. (chuckle)

Guy: (to Jane; hand on her shoulder) Come on. Let’s leave these twits and get to know each other better.

Jane: (shoves his hand away) Get lost, creep.

Guy: (puts a hand on her knee) And if I say no?

(And a sudden shadow looms over him.)

Lynn: (drunkenly amused) THAT’S when her big mean brother kicks your hindquarters into next year. And he’s wearing steel-toed boots, too…

Trent: (OS) Get away from my little sister, you…

(The guy gets up, makes as if to turn away, and then punches Trent in the face. Trent recoils a little but then grabs the guy and tackles him to the floor. A couple of guys at a table across the little room jump on him and try to yank him off, but AP gets between them and Trent, punching one of them in the stomach while moving a chair in front of the other one to trip him up. Lynn grabs one of Jane’s arms, Daria grabs the other, and they make a break for it.)

Jane: (whine) But *I* wanted to be the one to beat the crap out of him…

Daria: Another time. (beat) Will it help if I get Jesse to beat them up too?

Jane: (sulky) Only a little.

Daria: (smirk) Can you handle her while I find the guys?

Lynn: She ain’t heavy … and she’s not my brother either.

(General drunken giggles ensue.)


(Scene: Camden Electric Ballroom, exterior. Lynn and Jane are standing – or rather, leaning – against the wall outside the club.)

Jane: D’ya think Daria’s okay in there?

Lynn: She’s with the guys; she’ll be fine. Probably enjoying watching them beat those jerks up. And they’ll come out soon.

Jane: Ya should’ve LEFT me. I could’ve TAKEN that goon.

Lynn: SURE you could. And his two friends.

Jane: Hey, a steel-toe in the family jewels, and he’d’ve lost interest.

Lynn: I know. Only teasing. (apologetic) I get like that, you know.

Jane: (apologetic) Yah. Me too. (looks panicked) I’m gonna be sick…

(Lynn leads her into down the block a bit and finds an alley. Jane sticks her head out of shot, but we see Lynn holding Jane upright while she retches. Eventually, Lynn helps Jane get upright again.)

Jane: Thanks.

Lynn: Just don’t pass out on me, okay? I’m not that sturdy on my feet myself.

(The two share a small, conciliatory smirk.)

Lynn: They’ll be looking for us. Let’s get back.

(And they unsteadily make their way out of the alleyway.)


(Scene: A double-decker bus, top level. The gang is sprawled across various seats, in various stages of drunkenness.)


Chapter 4 – Crush

(Scene: the flat’s kitchen. Music: "Evenflow" by Pearl Jam. Morning has broken. Lynn staggers into the room and starts opening cupboards at random. Daria walks in, closely followed by Jane. Both look as much the worse for wear as Lynn does.)

Lynn: You’d think someone who drinks like Lorna claims to would have aspirin or something in the house.

Daria: My head hurts.

Jane: I am never going to drink again. (beat) Now that I’ve said that, how long before I drink again?

Lynn: You’ll be back on it in about three seconds. (pulls a bottle of whiskey out of a bottom cupboard) Lorna used to tell me to take the hair of the dog that bit you. Now …are there any clean glasses?

(Wide shot of the kitchen. There are rogue mugs, dirty glasses and fossilised plates, but nothing clean in sight. Lynn sighs and takes a swig out of the bottle. Then she passes it off to Jane, who looks at it dubiously.)

Jane: If it helps my stomach stop feeling like someone went over it with a paint stripper… (takes a belt, swallows, chokes and nearly gags; choked) Or maybe not…

(Lynn takes the bottle, waves it in Daria’s direction. Daria eyes it, then takes it.)

Daria: I’m going to hell anyway … might as well do it in style. (swigs, coughs)

Lynn: That’s the spirit. (beat) So … anyone remember who won the drinking competition?

Jane: It was a tie.

(Daria and Lynn look at each other. Daria looks resigned. Lynn looks livid.)


(Scene: Oxford Circus tube station, exterior. Music plays on. The entire gang drag themselves up the stairs, looking rough.)

Trent: Do we HAVE to be out here?

Jesse: This sucks.

Max: AND it’s raining. I thought it was supposed to SNOW in winter!¹⁷

Nick: It’s too damn early in the morning … and I think I bruised my hand on that one guy’s face.

Lynn: This is the last chance you’re going to get to do any Christmas shopping without getting trampled. If you want to go back, be my guest.

(Trent looks rather tempted, then shrugs)

Trent: Yeah. Right. Whatever.

Lynn: Loath as I am to let you all wander the city freely, for this to work we’re going to have to split up. Let’s say we meet by that fountain in Leicester Square in three hours. That give everyone enough time?

(Assorted grumbles of assent)

Lynn: That’s the kind of enthusiasm I like to hear. Later. (walks off purposefully)

(The others stare at each other for awhile, then the group reluctantly breaks up and heads in separate directions.)


(Scene: Sister Ray Records, Soho. Music: "#1 Crush" by Garbage. Lynn, bearing shopping bags, is collecting yet another bag from the man behind the counter when she hears a voice. Her eyes go wide and despairing.)

Trent: Hey, Lynn.

Lynn: (forced casual) Hey. Should I go?

Trent: Nah. The present’s not for you. But I could use your help.

(Lynn looks partly miffed that he’s not having to get a present for her but pleased that he wants her help)

Lynn: If I can.

Trent: I’m supposed to get a present for the punk … I mean, AP. Sorry, Lynn.

Lynn: Hey, compared to some of the things I call him, ‘punk’ is a term of endearment.

(Trent does the laugh-cough thing. Lynn looks encouraged.)

Lynn: In fact, you shouldn’t mouth off about punks being a bad thing around here. This place is two blocks away from one of the most popular punk/rock bars in the area. You don’t want the wrong ears to hear that kind of talk.

Trent: (smirk) Why … they’ll beat me up?

Lynn: No … but you’d REALLY hurt their feelings. Behind the Mohawks and the leather and the heavy boots and chains and spikes, they’re just big marshmallows inside.

(Trent laughs/coughs again. Lynn smiles.)

Trent: Good one, Lynn. You’re going to have to show me this place.

Lynn: (blush) Okay. (beat) But first you said you needed my help with something?

Trent: (scowl) Oh, yeah. AP’s present. (beat) I don’t know him. I can’t decide on a present.

Lynn: (thinks) To be fair, you couldn’t afford anything on his Christmas list. Not even his parents can. He asked for an ISDN line this year.

(Trent looks lost)

Lynn: Just get him a CD. Expand his musical horizons.

Trent: (thinks) I’ll get him the Chickasaw Mud Puppies. (beat) They HAVE heard of them here, haven’t they?

Lynn: If not, they order. No fear. Around this part of the city, people know that more came out of Athens than REM and the – blech – B-52s.

(Trent does the laugh/cough thing again and Lynn blushes scarlet as she tries to hide a smile)


(Scene: the fountain in Leicester Square. Music plays on. The entire gang has gathered and are looking around.)

Trent: Chiquitos?

AP: (snide) And we came ALL the way to England to eat Mexican food.

Trent: At least it’s close. And out of the rain. (mutter) Punk.

Daria: Edinburgh Steak House?

Lynn: I wouldn’t. Overpriced tourist garbage and badly served to boot. (beat) How about Chinatown? That’s a London sight AND someplace to eat lunch, and it’s not far away.

Jane: Cool by me.

Jesse: Yeah. Food.

Nick: Sure.

Max: Just don’t serve me shrimp – I’ll get hives.

Trent: Yeah. All right. Cool idea, Lynn.

(Lynn blushes. Jane notices and looks at her strangely. Lynn arranges her face into a blank slate and Jane, after looking carefully at her, turns away. As soon as she has, Lynn’s eyes roll in a "God help me" expression.)

Lynn: (thought VO) I can’t wait until the Y2K bug. Kill me now.


Chapter 5 – Review

(Scene: a newsstand. Music: "Self-Esteem" by Offspring. Lynn wanders up to it and peruses the magazines for a moment. She grabs one off the shelf, leafs through it a moment, then smirks and hands the newsagent a coin. Then she walks off.)


(Scene: the flat’s lounge area. Music plays on. No one’s there. Lynn barges through the front door and yells, waving the magazine aloft.)

Lynn: YOU GOT A REVIEW, GUYS!

(There is a thumping sound as several fair-sized male bodies tumble out of bed, and some crashing noises as they attempt speed dressing. Lynn smirks. Daria and Jane come out of their room, fully dressed and composed.)

Lynn: Sounds like wildebeests.

Jane: Mating.

Lynn: Don’t put images like that in my head.

Daria: Are they going to like this review … or hate it?

Lynn: Don’t ask me. I haven’t READ it yet.

Daria: But…

(Like charging rhinos, Trent, Jesse, Nick, and Max charge out of bedrooms and race towards her. AP follows at a sedate pace. Lynn climbs over and behind the sofa to keep them from knocking her over and the four band members crash into it.)

Lynn: Now … are you going to calm down, or do I have to break out the tear gas?

Trent: What’s it say?

Max: Are we criminales? We are, right?

Nick: Just READ it, Lynn!

Jesse: Yeah.

Lynn: Okay, okay, okay. Just sit down, would you?

(The boys sit. Lynn moves to a chair in front of the sofa, sits and opens the magazine.)

Lynn: This is TWANG magazine.

Daria: TWANG? Isn’t that the sound a guitar string makes when it breaks?

Lynn: Yep. Anyway, they’re one of the top rock magazines in the country, so it’s a good omen that you were reviewed here. (beat) Unless Moray reviewed you.

Trent: (concerned) Who’s Moray?

Lynn: Ah, one of the magazine’s most brutal reviewers. Moray like the moray eel.

Trent: (nervous) Did we…

Lynn: (sympathetic) Yep.

Trent: (more nervous) DAMN!

Lynn: Okay, here goes. "You never know what to expect when a grunge band from the US makes an appearance, but you can usually bet that it’s not going to be something to write home about. As yet another crew of Yank wannabe Cobains with relationship problems, Mystik Spiral was no exception."

Max: (grumble) Moron.

Lynn: (still reading) "Mystik Spiral’s vocalist Trent Lane sounds as if he should really lay off the fags – the 40-a-day vocals get lost in the instrumental section. And with the exception of ‘Death To The Techno-Weasels’, a great parody of the new web-based, computer-centric way of life, and ‘Mr Normal’, which at least spoke about some real angst, the lyrics were a singularly unfunny joke." (beat) Are you sure you want me to go on?

Trent: (morose) Yeah. Whatever.

Lynn: (still reading) "Songs like ‘Behind My Eyelids’, ‘Ice Box Woman’ and ‘Spite’ are laughable. And the instrumentalists, while showing some semblance of real talent, often break down into sheer cacophony. In short, they should return to the Nirvana-brainwashed land that spawned them and leave us alone." (sympathetic) Oh, Trent, I’m sorry.

Max: They just don’t know real talent when they hear it!

Trent: Come off it, Max.

Daria: Hey, look. You guys have two choices in the face of this. You can let this get to you. Or you can take some of the comments on board, use the whole experience constructively, and come back all the stronger.

Lynn: She’s right, you know. I mean, you’ve had worse reviews than this. I saw that one written in "Muck and Rage"¹⁸ – at least Moray acknowledged you have some talent.

Trent: Yeah. I guess.


Chapter 6 – Exchange…

(Black screen. White writing in the Daria font says "December 25^th 1999".)

(Scene: The flat’s lounge area. Music: "Oi To The World" by No Doubt. The gang is lounging around the tree, looking a bit uncertain as to how to proceed. Lorna dashes in.)

Lorna: Okay, people, I’m off to Marty’s place. You know how to cook so I’ll leave you to it. Let’s say that lady of the house opens the first gift and since I’m out that means Lynn. Later. (Exit Lorna. The gang share a look.)

Daria: Is EVERYONE you’re related to like that?

Lynn: I’m beginning to think so. I’m not going to stand on ceremony, though. We’ll do the Secret Santa ones first.

(There is something of a scramble as the gang looks for the presents they received from "their Secret Santa". Finally, everyone has a box.)

Lynn: Okay, on the count of three. One … two … three!

(They tear into their presents.)

Jane: "Basquiat"! Cool! I heard David Bowie made a GREAT Warhol!

Jesse: Hey, you liked it. Cool.

Lynn: You do realise you’re not going to be able to watch that on a US TV, don’t you? (beat) I don’t know why, but the videos are different here. Music, thank God, is universal.

Jesse: That sucks. (beat) Cool shirt.

Nick: Well, maybe now you’ll shut up about the one Trent owes you.¹⁹ What wise guy gave me "Learn To Play The Bass In A Week"?

Max: (chuckle) Couldn’t resist, man. Cool! Bumper stickers for the Tank!

AP: Well, I couldn’t think of anything else. Um … who the hell are The Chickasaw Mud Puppies?

Trent: A damn fine alternative band. (mutter) Geek. (aloud) Hey, whoa! Nirvana box set!

Lynn: For the grunge musician who has everything. Um … "On The Road" by Kerouak. A nice thought.

Daria: Um … I thought you’d like Kerouak.

Lynn: (mildly annoyed) No, YOU’RE the Kerouak fan. I’m more comfortable with Nabakov. Anyway, what’d you get?

Daria: Sorry. I kept the receipt. (beat) A portrait of me. Nude. Well, I’M clueless as to who my Secret Santa is…

(Jane gives a grin.)

AP: Can I have a look-see?

Daria: NO! (instinctively brings it to her chest to hide it.)

AP: You’re no fun.

Jane: Yeah, no fun at all.

Daria: Why are you all so concerned with MY present when some of you have presents of your OWN to open?

(The eyes of the others light up like the tree and they scramble for their presents.)

Jane: (while looking) Curse you for finding my weakness, woman!

AP: Hey, Purple Peril, a little one from your mom! (tosses a box at Lynn)

Lynn: (catches it easily; deadpan) Great. This will be the smiley-face charm bracelet I had on my Christmas list.

(She rips open the paper, opens the small box and goes very still.)

Daria: So? What is it?

Jane: Your mom’s severed ear, Van Gogh style?

Lynn: (stunned) It’s the keys to the Merc. And the ownership papers. In my name. And a note that says, "You drive it more than I do, you love it more than I do, so it belongs to you. Merry Christmas. Love, Mom."

Daria: She gave you the Mercedes?

Lynn: (trembling voice) I thought that … at graduation … maybe. But… Excuse me. (exit)

Daria: She’s not … gonna … cry, is she?

AP: (evasive) Maybe…


(Scene: balcony. Music: "Hedonism" by Skunk Anansie. Lynn is standing on the railing, glasses in hand. The other hand is pressed over her eyes. A figure steps up and a hand touches her shoulder. The observant will notice that it is attached to a green-clad wrist.)

Daria: (VO) You okay?

(Lynn hurriedly tries to wipe her eyes and puts her glasses back on. She turns to face Daria.)

Lynn: Yeah. (choked sniff) Yeah, fine. Just … surprised, maybe. Hard to believe, after everything … you know … she really knows me. She really cares.

Daria: (nod) Yeah, I know. I guess I’d feel the same.

Lynn: (bitter) You WOULD, wouldn’t you?

(Daria looks a little taken aback, but decides to let it slide. Uncomfortable silence.)

Daria: Um … cold out here.

Lynn: Yeah. A little.

Daria: Then why…

Lynn: (choked) ‘Cos I DON’T want to freaking CRY in front of everyone, okay?

(Lynn turns away. A second later, she angrily removes her glasses. Daria looks mortified.)

Lynn: (bitter) YOU’D never cry in front of anyone…

(Daria looks shocked and puts her hand back on Lynn’s shoulder. Lynn violently shrugs it away.)

Lynn: I’ll be fine in a minute. Just leave it, okay?

(Daria hesitates, then leaves.)


(Scene: the flat’s lounge area. Music plays on. Daria walks in; the others all turn to look at her. Daria looks acutely embarrassed.)

Jane: She okay?

(Daria hesitates. Everyone is still looking at her and she looks a little panicked, wondering how much she should say. AP catches her eye and shakes his head. Daria sighs.)

Daria: She’s fine. Just a little overwhelmed. The Mercedes means a lot to her.

Trent: Yeah. I saw that.

Jesse: Cool.

Max: Maybe now she’ll stop making fun of me about how much I love the Tank.

Daria: (thoughtful) Maybe.

(Jane gives Daria a sceptical look. AP throws a parcel at her. She glares at him. He glares back, harder. Jane looks taken aback and moves to open the present.)


(Scene: Daria and Jane’s room. Music plays on. Daria is sitting on the bed, looking miserable. Jane walks in.)

Jane: Hey, Nick whipped us up some eggnog and… (catches the look) What’s up?

Daria: Jane … she was crying.

Jane: I thought so. Over what?

Daria: Her mother knowing her … caring about her. (beat) But I think…

Jane: What?

Daria: I … Jane, I think she’s … God, this sounds vain…

Jane: She’s jealous of you.

Daria: (surprised) How did you know THAT?

Jane: Found out the hard way. Listen. (sits down on the bed next to Daria) She’s been an original for as long as she can remember. Then she has to move here and all of a sudden there’s someone JUST LIKE her already there. She can’t help comparing you – no one can. If she cried and you never do, she feels that’s a strike against her.

Daria: (surprised) AGAINST her? If anything, that’s a point FOR her. (beat; bitter) Yet ANOTHER one.

Jane: (bemused) Sorry?

Daria: (sigh) Never mind. (beat; gets up and heads for the door) Let’s go try this eggnog you were babbling about earlier.

Jane: But…

(Daria turns to her with that closed-off look. Jane looks disappointed, but shrugs)

Jane: Sure.


Party Like It’s 1999?

(Black screen. White writing in the Daria font says "December 31^st 1999".)


(Scene: the flat’s lounge area. Music: "Countdown" by Pulp. Mystik Spiral is setting up and Daria, Jane and Lynn are setting up decorations. Lorna rushes in wearing some extremely slinky designer dress that Quinn would kill for. With it, though, she’s wearing Doc Marten shoes.)

Lorna: Right – looks wonderful – some of my friends’ teenagers will be coming – Lynn knows a fair number of them – just keep them out of my room but fret not as I’ve locked it and they’ll be too drunk to try forcing the lock – I’ll be home around the third – happy Millennium! (out the door)

Lynn: Okay, everyone get that?

(Various mutters – all sounding like ‘no’.)

Lynn: She likes the decorations. We’re having guests. I might know them. Lorna’s room is off limits. She’ll be home in three days. All the best for the new Millennium.

Daria: So any plans to make the party a subversive cynic’s dream, in that case?

Lynn: AP’s setting up anti-riot gear on the roof.

Jane: What KIND of anti-riot gear?

(Enter AP)

AP: Water balloons, paintball guns and my own special tomato tosser! We’ve got some nice overripe ones, too!

Daria: Where did he get THAT idea?

Lynn: I have no idea.²⁰


(Scene: the flat’s lounge area. Music plays on. The party is in full swing. We barely hear the doorbell ring. Daria moves to get it and finds a short, sturdy young woman with long brown hair and glasses. She looks quite a lot like Lynn, but older.)

Daria: AUGH! Not another one!

New Girl: (vaguely English accent) Not another one WHAT? Lynn, what HAVE you been drinking? And why the fringe?

Daria: I am NOT Lynn!

(Lynn comes up and smiles a little.)

Lynn: Hey, Jan!²¹

Jan: Christ, Lynn, who’s this? Does she ever resemble you!

Lynn: Thank you so VERY much for saying that. Jan, this is Daria. Daria, meet Jan.

Jan: (thinks) She’s my third cousin twice removed. I think. Something about her grandmother’s sister’s granddaughter. It gets lost after a few generations.

Lynn: AND a few divorces.

Jan: Oh, yeah, how’s Kate anyway?

Lynn: Please let’s not bring my mother into this. I’m on vacation.

(The relatives smirk. Jane walks up.)

Jane: Oh, GOD, there’s three of them!

Daria: Shut up.

Jane: So who is she?

Jan: ‘She’ has a name. Jan.

Jane: Jane. (beat) GOD, that sounds stupid.

Jan: I may not be able to stay long. I’m on call tonight.

Lynn: Oh, why don’t you ditch that stupid job?

Jan: Because dole scams aren’t as easy as Trainspotting makes them look, okay? And a girl’s got to eat.

Daria: What job?

Jan: I’d love to tell you … but then I’d have to kill you.

Jane: Hey, that’s MY line.

Jan: Mine.

Jane: Glory hog.

Jan: Bitch.²²

(Jane looks a bit frightened. She turns to Daria, who has the same look of fear on her face. Lynn and Jan look confused.)

Jane: I didn’t say that.

Daria: I didn’t hear that.

Jane: That did NOT happen.

Lynn: WHAT?

Jan: (ominous) I sensed a strange moment there… (blithe) But it’s gone now. I’m going to mingle. Later.

(Jan walks into the crowd and pretty much vanishes. Daria, Jane and Lynn stare in the direction she went.)

Daria: That was weird.

Lynn: Yeah. Well, her family’s weird. Born in Canada, moved to England at age 16. So she’s not quite a Canadian but she’s not quite a Brit either.

Jane: (slowly) So you COULD say that she’s a…

Lynn: Don’t. It’d be too easy.

Daria: WHAT would?

Lynn: (confused) I have no idea. But just don’t say it.²³


(Scenes from the Millennium party to the tune of REM’s "It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)". Jane grabs Daria and AP by the arm and tries to drag them out to dance. Trent watches this miserably and downs a large shot of whiskey.

Lynn watches in horror as some guy she obviously doesn’t know pulls out a packet of something highly illegal and … shall we say powdery. Jan takes this scene in, walks up to the guy, grabs his packet of whatever and throws it out the window. It then takes both Lynn and Jan to restrain the guy from leaping out after it. Each holding an arm, they escort him out.

Jesse is struggling with a champagne bottle. Lynn is looking at him nervously. Eventually, the cork comes out with such force that it bounces off the ceiling and hits the coffee table, smashing at least two pieces of glassware. Jesse looks at Lynn apologetically. Lynn heaves a sigh.

AP whispers something in Daria’s ear. Daria gives her Mona Lisa smile and follows AP out. Trent, who has witnessed this, grabs a whiskey bottle, drinking straight from the neck.

Jane shoves Lynn and Max together in front of a sprig of mistletoe – a remnant from Christmas, I suppose. Max grins drunkenly, then goes green and bends over. Lynn gives a world-weary sigh and Jane looks appalled as the retching noises begin.

The countdown begins. Indoors, Trent has staggered away, drinking from his whiskey bottle. Lynn, concern on her face, watches him go.)

Assorted cast members: Five!

(Out on the roof. Music plays on. AP hands Daria a water balloon.)

AP: (mischievous) Four…

(Inside. Music plays on. Lynn looks indecisively at the direction in which she saw Trent go, then sighs and moves to follow him.)

Assorted cast members: Three!

(Out on the roof. Music plays on. AP puts an arm around Daria’s shoulder. Daria blushes, flinches a little, but then relaxes rather quickly.)

Daria: Two…

(Inside. Music plays on. Lynn stops at a closed door and hesitates.)

Assorted cast members: (OS) One!

(Out on the roof. Music plays on. Daria and AP are looking at each other. They can hear the party heating up downstairs.)

Assorted cast members: (OS) HAPPY NEW MILLENNIUM!

AP: Happy New Millennium, Daria.

Daria: It’s not really the new millennium yet.²⁴

AP: Hey, it’s a cool number. That’s good enough for me. (beat) So … um…

Daria: People … generally … kiss to celebrate the new year, don’t they?

AP: Only if they feel like it.

Daria: Oh … what the hell.

(Daria leans forward and up, and they share a gentle kiss.)

Daria: Um … I never got to ask … am I…

AP: Whoa. With lips like that, any kissing booth in the country would make a mint, Daria.

(Daria blushes with pleasure and squirms a little under the praise. AP senses her discomfort and disengages himself.)

AP: And now … let’s make a little mess!

(He grabs a paintball gun, takes aim off the roof, and shoots downwards. A cry is heard in the street below.)

Man: (OS) HEY! I’LL REARRANGE YOUR FACE FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE PUNK!

(Daria hefts her balloon, testing the weight, then heaves it off the roof. There is a brief pause and then a distant splash.)

Man: (OS) I’M GONNA CALL THE PIGS, YOU GEN-X CRETINS!

AP: (shouting off the roof) LIKE THEY HAVEN’T GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO!

(He then drops a tomato off the roof. There is a brief pause and then a distant splat. Running footsteps are heard.)

Daria: I’ve always wanted to do that to someone.

AP: We’re gonna do that to EVERYONE who gets within five feet of this building.

(He kisses Daria on the cheek. She blushes and he hurriedly pulls away.)

Daria: It’s okay. I … kind of liked that.

(They share a sweet little smile. Then Daria grabs a paintball gun and AP grabs a tomato launcher and they both start firing off the roof. Over the sounds of the party indoors, enraged shouting can be heard.)

(Inside. Music plays on. Lynn looks decided, then bangs on the door.)

Lynn: Um … Trent? You okay?

(Trent sticks his head out the door.)

Trent: Daria?

Lynn: No, I…

(Trent kisses her. After a brief second, she is kissing back. He pulls her inside and the door slams shut behind them.)


Save It Till The Morning After


(Scene: The roof. Music: "Ironic" – Alanis Morrisette. Daria and AP are curled up on separate deckchairs, under several blankets. [Note to reader: no they didn’t])

(Scene: the flat’s lounge area. Music plays on. It is a mess. Nick is sprawled out on one couch, Max on another. An unidentified woman wearing a bra, a nothing miniskirt and nothing else is sprawled on the floor, and some unidentified guy wearing boxers and the remnants of a lampshade on his head is curled up in an easy chair.)

(Scene: a bedroom. Music plays on. Close up of Lynn lying asleep in a bed with a suspiciously satisfied little smile on her face. The smile fades; she stirs. Then her eyes open. She looks confused for a second, and then her eyes widen in horror.)

Lynn: (quiet) Oh…

(She sits up a little, gripping the sheet around her. We look past her and see a sleeping Trent in bed beside her. [Note to reader: in case you had doubts, they did])

Lynn: (still quiet) …crap.

(She leans over the side of the bed, and the camera pans to catch her reaching for her jacket, which is just out of her reach. She looks at Trent, then throws the duvet over him, yanks the sheet off him, and wraps herself in it. Then she rapidly collects her glasses and clothes, leaving behind a single sock, and goes out the door.)


(Scene: Corridor. Music plays on. Lynn slams the door shut behind her and tries to move away, but is tugged back. Close up of the sheet trapped in the door. And Jane’s voice is heard.)

Jane: (OS) LYNN?

(Lynn turns. Jane has popped up from behind a sofa. Lynn goes completely white for a moment, staring at Jane with horrified and pleading eyes. Jane gives a look that clearly says, "Okay, I’ll shut up now". Rather than acknowledging it, Lynn opens Trent’s door a crack, yanks her sheet out, slams it again, crosses the hall to her own room and goes in. Another door is slammed.)


(Scene: Trent’s room again. Music plays on. Trent opens his eyes and grins, sitting up [the duvet covers him up, so we’re still G]. Then he notices a purple sock lying on the floor. He remembers something.)

Jane: (VO) Oh, Daria NEVER wears purple. That’s strictly a Lynn thing…

(Trent’s eyes widen much as Lynn’s did when SHE realised.)

Trent: (stunned) Oh, crap. Not again…


(Scene: hallway. Music plays on. Trent storms out of his room in his underwear, trying to pull his jeans on as he goes. Jane, still peering over the back of the sofa, laughs at him.)

Trent: I swear, Janey…

Jane: You’d BETTER not. (beat) And you’d better not try to talk to her either.

(We cut to Trent, who’s just about to knock on Lynn’s door.)

Trent: Why?

(The door opens. A sheet hits him in the face. The door slams shut. The sound of a turning lock is heard.)

Trent: Oh.


Home Again

(Scene: row of three plane seats. Music: "Street Spirit (Fade Out) by Radiohead. The gentle hum in the background tells you it’s in flight. Nick is sitting by the window – fast asleep with headphones on. Jane is in the middle, looking with some concern at Lynn, who is sitting hunched down in her seat with her nose buried in her new copy of Stephen King’s "Bag Of Bones".)

Jane: So … school starts again soon.

Lynn: (not looking up) Mmm.

Jane: No more Ms Li to torture.

Lynn: Mmm.

Jane: So any plans for the permanent annihilation of the NEXT principal?

Lynn: Mmm.

Jane: (snide) I’m going out for a walk on the wing. Want to join me?

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) I heard THAT, funny girl.

(There is a pause. Jane seems to be thinking.)

Jane: You have no desire to talk.

Lynn: Mmm.

Jane: And I should respect that?

Lynn: Mmm.

Jane: (sigh) Got a book?

(Lynn reaches into the flap in the seat back and pulls out "Trainspotting". She hands it to Jane without looking up from her book. Jane sighs and opens it.)


(Scene: Another row of three plane seats. Jesse sits by the window – like Nick, he is fast asleep. Daria sits in the middle with her hands clenched tightly on the armrests. AP is sitting on the aisle, looking at her with a slightly worried expression. The plane hits a pocket of turbulence, jostling in a not-inconsiderable way, and Daria cringes. AP immediately puts a hand over hers, then realises what he’s done and watches for her reaction. She blushes a little but takes his hand, giving a Mona Lisa smile of thanks. The plane levels out but they do not let go of each other’s hands.)


(Pan to the middle of the plane, where Trent is watching them with an expression of combined pain, anger and unhappiness. Then he looks at Lynn, who has looked up briefly to see Daria and AP across the aisle. She winces at the sight of a happy couple and turns away, and her eyes meet Trent’s. She immediately goes back to her book, her face a little pale. Trent’s expression loses the anger and he takes a deep breath, then gets out of his seat and sidles over to Lynn. She doesn’t look at him, but he takes another breath and tries anyway.)

Trent: (hesitant) Um … I wanted to ask … The other night … I don’t … I mean, I REMEMBER … I mean, sort of … I just wanted to…

(Lynn doesn’t look up but cocks an eyebrow. Trent takes a breath.)

Trent: What … exactly … happened?

(Lynn looks up, staring at Trent in that "go to hell" way that she and Daria have both mastered to hide pain and embarrassment.)

Lynn: (cold) You called me DARIA.

(Trent’s eyes widen in horror. Jane’s head snaps up and a very fast series of expressions cross her face – first shock, then anger at her brother, then general sympathy for both. Lynn maintains the "go to hell" stare a moment longer, then goes back to her book. Trent’s shoulders slump and he wanders towards the back of the plane. Jane looks at Lynn, then at the book, then closes it with a look of "once more into the breach…")

Jane: Hey, Lynn?

Lynn: (looks up, irritated) What?

Jane: Um … any thoughts as to how I can keep this underage partying stuff going back home? I got used to all that clubbing stuff.

(Lynn looks at her suspiciously. Jane meets her eyes – Jane’s look clearly says, "better than being alone with your OWN thoughts right now…". Lynn sighs and puts her book down.)

Lynn: Well, the first thing that’s essential is a REALLY good fake ID. I know McGrundy’s says they’ve seen them all, but how do they know if they’ve been fooled?²⁵ I mean…

(Long shot of the plane flying off into the sunset.)

END


A WORD OF THANKS

I would like to thank Diane Long for helping me out of at least two sticky situations and for sparing her commentary – always constructive and kind. Also thank you to Little Welsh Boy for his help with the London tour scene. AND to everyone who hounded me to get this fic finished – I couldn’t have done it without you.


ENDNOTES

1) Read my fic "The Flack-Jacket Mafia" … it ought to explain things.

2) This happened in my fic "Lady And The Tank".

3) *sigh* My fic "Love Him Or Leave Him"

4) If memory serves, Lynn did this to shut Trent up in my fic "Kiss And Tell".

5) Daria bargained this out of her mother in "World Geek Show". What did she have to trade? Well, read it and find out, lazy persons!

6) LATT again.

7) Originally from the episode "Road Worrier" but also used in LATT.

8) Ah, the Look-Alike Series season 1 finale – "The Flack-Jacket Mafia".

9) Very true. And I won’t say that NO ONE cares about underage drinking in England, but … well, the vast majority don’t. In case you’re wondering, THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

10) To anyone who thought I was going to be really hackneyed and cliché and use "London Calling" – NYAH NYAH!

11) I saw someone do this once. His excuse was that Big Ben wasn’t digital.

12) THIS IS NOT A SLUR ON CANADIANS! Why would I insult myself that way? It’s just that I have HEARD Americans assume I thrive on reindeer and seal!

13) This was mentioned in my fic "Grating Expectations".

14) Roundabouts are evil. There are no words to describe one bar that they are round and narrow and treacherous. I’ve seen people drive through them rather than around them to avoid them.

15) Boston is known for having the world’s worst drivers. But in the top 10 are New York, London, Turkey, Montreal and an Greek island called Mykonos where there are no traffic laws or signs and you don’t need a licence to ride a motorcycle.

16) I’ve been. It rocks.

17) If you’re lucky, you get one flurry of snow in London. It’s either too cold to snow or too warm – in which case you get rain.

18) See "The Daria Diaries" for one EVIL Mystik Spiral review.

19) A "Road Worrier" reference. Easy to tell which are MY favourite episodes…

20) Ah, but die-hard fans and Outpost Daria Message Board trawlers will know where he (or I) got THAT idea…

21) At this point, I would like to thank Crazy Nutso for giving me the idea to do a REAL walk-on. I would never have thought of such a tasteless idea alone…

22) I have a wav file of Daria and Jane saying this as an intro to "Daria! The Musical". Jane said that line in "Grating Expectations" and I just came out with it. Feel free to ‘mater me.

23) So I never ACTUALLY said it!

24) Of course, the 21^st Century doesn’t start until 2001 – but there are schools of thought that say the scientists got it wrong and the Millennium actually happened two years ago. So who knows?

25) That’s in "The Daria Diaries" too.