(Opening montage. Music: "You're Standing
On My Neck" - Splendora.
LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP by the lockers. As one body, they
facefault and turn their heads to look at something out of shot. Lynn
flicks her wrist, producing a knife, and dashes out of shot.
Football field, near the bleachers. Kevin and Brittany arguing. AP,
sitting in the bleachers wearing a LHS marching band uniform and a
completely disgusted expression, picks up a large pair of cymbals and
smashes them together right near Kevin and Brittany's ears.
Pizza King. Quinn sitting at a table, sobbing with rage. Lynn looks at
her, eyebrow raised in what is, for her, sympathy, and hands over a book.
Quinn looks at the cover and stops crying as her face slowly brightens to
an evil smirk.
AP's room. AP completely engrossed in a video game. Daria watches him
play for a moment, disgust in her face, then starts digging through his
cabinets.
LHS corridor. Mrs Bennett opens a door to reveal a broom closet in which
Lynn and AP are making out; Lynn and AP break off a kiss as the door
opens. They look at Bennett for a moment, then Lynn gives a wide grin and
shuts the door in her face.
Morgendorffer front hallway. Jake going completely ballistic at Jerome,
who is standing on the front step and looking at Jake in a manner that
suggests that he's two seconds from calling the men in white coats. Then
Jake takes a swing at Jerome.
The Zen. Daria, Jane, AP, Andrea, Guy, Casey and Mara at a table. Upchuck
is leering at Mara, who regards him for a moment and then pulls him
forward by the collar and kisses him hard, mouth open. When she lets go,
Upchuck falls over in a dead faint. Jane looks extremely impressed.
Lane front door. Jane [in artist's smock and beret] and Jodie [ratty
jeans, baggy T-shirt, clipboard, pencil behind her ear] open the door to
find Quinn standing there wearing a seirafuku and a hopeful expression.
Biers. Someone has set it on fire; Lynn and Daria are wielding fire
extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you
have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.
Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original
montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two
interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains
a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing underneath in the Daria font
reads, "Daria in...")
FIREWATER BURN
A Daria Fan Fiction - [TLAS 4:13]
(Scene: Ruttheimer household, ext. The door opens and a dark-haired
man with Upchuck's angular face and less prominent but still there
freckles leans out to fetch the paper. He is pale and unshaven with dark
circles under his eyes; he obviously hasn't slept in awhile. He stops
mid-lean; pan to the paper, upon which lies an envelope reading "The
Ruttheimer Family". He picks it up and opens it, then stares at the
contents - a great many $100 bills, and a note. He pulls it out and
unfolds it. Computer printed in fairly large block capitals are the words
"FOR YOUR SON". Mr Ruttheimer blinks at the envelope, then picks up the
paper and takes both missives inside.)
(Scene: The Blue Motorcycle, San Francisco, CA. Warlock's room.
Music: Shin Seiki Evangelion - Harbinger of Tragedy. Warlock in bed,
sprawled out, dead to the world ... at least, until his phone rings. He
mutters briefly, fumbles for it, and picks up.)
Warlock: (dead tired) Ohayo, 's Warlock (beat)
WHAT? (he pops to his feet, instantly awake) Slow down! ... Okay.
Who? Where? Shit. (he blinks rapidly) I won't insult you by asking if
you're sure. (beat) Not the worst, what the fuck do you mean...?
(beat) Oh shit. You don't think... yeah, me neither. (beat) I
have to get the word out. I'll be in touch.
(He gets up, but before he gets two steps, his phone rings again.)
Warlock: (answering) Warlock. (beat) Slack. Didn't
expect... (beat) Not since she left, why? (beat) Aw crap. I'll
be in touch. (he hangs up)
(Cut to: Warlock, standing in hallway barefoot, pounding on a door.
Music plays on.)
Scar: (OS, peeved) WARLOCK. This better be important.
Warlock: Um. Four of our top people are, respectively, missing,
dead, missing, and overdue.
Scar: (bt) Eap. That counts.
Pagebert: (appearing behind Warlock) What are you talking
about? And what are we going to do?
Warlock: What we're going to do is go down to Lawndale and
collect the Twisted Pair and associates. I'll explain on the way. Pack up
and lock up, we may be away for a while. (he strides away dialing)
(Scene: LHS parking lot. Music: "Goodbye Cruel World - Cold.
Charles
Ruttheimer II (henceforth, CR2) standing near the school, scanning
the students. AP approaches the Merc and CR2 facefaults before saying the
first thing that comes to mind.)
CR2: YOU!
(AP jumps a foot in the air, comes down running, and gets five steps
before tripping over a bootlace and falling flat on his face. He looks up to
see CR2 standing over him, looking not entirely bemused but quite
worried.)
CR2: (staring down at AP) I'm not ... um... going to hurt
you or anything...
AP: Oh! (beat; coverup) Oh, no, of course you're not. You
just ... kinda freaked me, that's all. (beat) Who're YOU, anyway?
CR2: (extending hand to help AP up) Charles Ruttheimer the
II. (bt) How did you know I meant you?
AP: (oops expression) Uh... I didn't. I just got outta
English and we're doing Poe. I get jittery after horror junk. (beat)
Soooooooo ... you DID mean me. What can I do you for?
CR2: Given that you look like my (voice break) son... and
after what just happened to him...
AP: Why come to me?
CR2: You look like him. You were on that trip. And I got this.
(brandishes money envelope, now empty)
AP: Uhhhhhhhhh...
CR2: Is someone mad at you or something?
AP: Uhhh ... (puppy-dog eyes, sickly attempt at innocent
grin) Who'd be mad at ME? (beat) Well, except for Bitter Pill,
but the glassware was crap ANYWAY.
CR2: (non seq) HUH?
AP: Never mind. Uh, not really, no, no one's mad at me. No.
CR2: Really. (beat) I think that bullet was meant for you.
I'm not mad... I just want to know why.
AP: Uhhhhhhhh...
Lynn: (from behind him) Watch the X-Files much, sir?
CR2: Dah! (spins) Who're YOU?
Lynn: Who wants to know?
AP: He's Hef... er... Upc... uh... Charles Ruttheimer's dad.
Lynn: Ah. (beat) Condolences.
CR2: (grim) I don't want condolences... I want
explanations. I want to know why my son went to Houston in a bus and came
back in a body bag.
Lynn: And you think HE knows?
CR2: He was on that trip. He looks like my son. And I got this.
(brandishes envelope)
Lynn: (raises an eyebrow) It's empty.
CR2: It HAD over ten thousand in cash in it. And THIS. (waves
note) It feels like an apology. What I want to know (rounds on AP
again) is an apology for WHAT.
AP: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
(Lynn notices gathering crowd)
Lynn: (sigh) Sir ... maybe you should discuss this with AP
elsewhere.
CR2: (looks around) When? Where?
Lynn: Arrange that with AP. He's in the phone book. (literally
drags AP into the car and drives off.)
(CR2 stands in the crowd of curious students, staring after the Merc,
looking VERY confused.)
CR2: What's his last... (trails off) name.
(Scene - the Merc int. Music plays on.)
AP: You want me to TALK to him?
Lynn: We'll prepare you a statement. I do not want us going here.
(sigh) Damn. I guess none of the Ruttheimers are stupid.
(Scene: Tom's room [we now know what it looks like - well the US
people do, anyway...] Some papers are strewn idly on the bed. Tom, mostly
asleep, enters the room with a mug of coffee, sipping as he moves. He sits
down on the bed, sets the coffee down and sprawls out face-first, sipping
his coffee idly. It doesn't seem to be doing him any good, and as he sets
down his cup for the third time, he lands face-first in his homework papers
and falls asleep.)
Kay: (OS from downstairs) Who the hell made decaf?
(Scene: Chez Cullen, ext. Music: "The Trick Is To Keep Breathing" -
Garbage. Lynn steps out of the house, backpack slung over one shoulder. As
she locks the door behind her...)
Mara: (OS) Hey.
(Lynn turns. Mara stands at the end of the walk in blue jeans, a
black T-shirt [bearing picture of the devil and the words, "God is busy. Can
I help you?"] and a red checked flannel shirt. She's done only the average
amount of mascara and lipstick. Her hair is back in a ponytail. She looks
normal. Nervous and upset, but normal.)
Lynn: Hey. (beat) Trying to prove a point about the
Nympho-Goth cracks?
Mara: (very small, very brief smile) Nah. Just a comfort
thing. I guess I'm in a Cobain state of mind.
(Lynn regards Mara very carefully.)
Lynn: What are you doing here at this time of day? Don't you have
school?
Mara: Ditched. Most of my teachers won't care. The whole school
knows what happened to Red and they're cutting me severe slack.
(beat) Can you ditch?
(Lynn looks at Mara. The look on Mara's face speaks volumes about why
she's asking Lynn to ditch. Then she sighs and re-opens her front door,
flings her backpack into it and slams it shut. As she locks it, we can just
see Mara's weak but grateful smile.)
(Scene: bigwhitevan. Warlock, in shotgun seat, hangs up his
phone.)
Warlock: Dammmmmn.
Pagebert: (from back seat) Whaaaaaat?
Warlock: Rat's gone.
Pagebert: What?
Warlock: Mr. Exotic Weapons Master. Texas State Police are
swarming over his place. Apparently there's about twelve dead bodies in
there.
Pagebert: So we can't stick the kids there?
Warlock: No, and neither can we tap his armoury.
Scar: (turning away from the wheel) Well...
Warlock & Pagebert: (in unison, panicked) EYES ON THE
ROAD! EYES ON THE ROAD!
Scar: (looking forward) Will you guys RELAX? I'm not Aph,
you know. (beat) Seriously, we haven't lost all of it. What we DID
lose was the safest place we could have hoped to stash the kids.
(Short pause)
Warlock, Scar, Pagebert: (unison) Dammmmmn.
END ACT 1 - ADVERTS [Lead-in - Warlock hammering on the door, AP turning
to run and tripping, Tom falling asleep, Lynn turning to see Mara.]
Volkswagen: There's a Pitchshifter track! Advertising Volkswagen!
SACRILEGE!
Atlantis: The Leopard on the street says, "It's Disney! It's PG!
It's got no cheesy musical numbers! And the male lead is a pale scrawny guy
- yum!" I think that means it's good...
ACT 2
(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Daria looking around nervously. AP idly
picking at his poor excuse for meat loaf, lost in thought. Jane sketching
something.)
Daria: Have either of you seem Lynn anywhere?
AP: (not really paying attention) Mmmnope.
Jane: (absorbed) No, but if you see her, could you ask her
where one could get their hands on a few pounds of plastique and a
good-sized sheet of titanium?
(Daria looks askance at them, then goes on.)
Daria: I haven't heard from her since yesterday. And she's not in
school. (beat; "why are they not worried about this?") And I haven't
seen Tom yet today either.
Jane: (still sketching) Guess they're together. Now, what
colour do you think goes best with powder burns?
AP: (still not focusing) I'll call after that meeting at
Starbucks with Mr R.
(Daria sighs and goes back to worrying in silence.)
(Scene: Fitzgerald kitchen, int. Music: "Sometimes She Cries" -
Warrant. Lynn and Mara sit side-by-side at a breakfast bar, plain cheese
pizza in front of them. Lynn is looking sidelong at Mara, a little
surprised.)
Lynn: Why'd you come to ME?
Mara: (toying nervously with her pizza) Well, I don't have
a lot of chick friends. (to the look) Okay, I don't have ANY chick
friends. And even if I DID, you think someone like Jenny Malloy would
understand about ... THAT?
Lynn: Which 'that', exactly?
Mara: Don't bullshit me, Lynn. You've had that thing with the
geek-ball for years. LITERALLY years. And let's not even talk about the
hundred-mile stare.
Lynn: That obvious, huh?
Mara: Well, word gets around. Even freaks have a mill. We heard
about your principal going psycho. (beat) That won me a hundred
bucks, by the way, so I should maybe thank you.
Lynn: (wry) You had bets on that too, huh?
Mara: The psychotic are always a good betting event. Matt
Templeton won seventy-five on the geek-ball getting kicked out - it was less
than it should've been cos HE said Honson'd be the first to crack.
(Silence for a moment)
Lynn: There ... doesn't have to be this reminiscent lead-in, you
know.
Mara: Look, Lynn ... I'd never got into a ... thing before. A
relationship, you know. It was always just .. guys. And then I met Red. And
THEN when I was just starting to maybe LOVE the little red-headed freak, he
gets his head blown off. (slight choked sob) Why does life suck so
bad?
Lynn: (slight alarm) You're not going to cry ... are you?
Mara: (defensive sniffle) Hell no. Not over some GUY. I
mean ... that'd be really sad ... right?
(Lynn raises an eyebrow, gives an exasperated sigh and reaches over,
hugging Mara.)
Lynn: (very quiet) Cry if you have to, you stupid bitch.
You're human.
(Mara draws back, wide-eyed and mascara a little bit leaky.)
Mara: YOU'RE saying that. YOU.
Lynn: Invitation accepted? Or declined?
(Mara stares for a moment longer. Then she lets out a full-voiced sob
and buries her face in her hands. Lynn sighs and hugs her again.)
(Scene: Morgendorffer residence, upstairs. Camera track on Daria,
following her into her room, as she slings her backpack on her bed and
clicks on her computer. As it boots, she digs out her homework. Frame shot
on the screen; the mouse pointer hovers between word processor and Internet
signon. She clicks to sign on and opens up her email. Angle on her face as
her eyes widen in shock.)
(fade to Fitzgerald's, Mara's room. Lynn sitting at desk chair pulled
up by Mara's bed, where Mara's facedown, sobbing her eyes out. Suddenly
Lynn's phone bleeps.)
Lynn: (looking to her hip, pulls the phone off the belt and
looks at it) Huh. Didn't even ring. (she punches a few buttons. Angle
on her face as her eyes widen in shock.)
(Split screen over to Daria at her computer.)
Daria/Lynn: (as one) Oh SHIT.
(Scene: Lawndale Street [near Pizza King]. AP walks into shot; as he
passes the mouth of a narrow, shadowed alley, a pair of pale hands shoot out
and he is dragged into the shadows before he even has time to cry out.)
(Scene: the alley. Music: "Eraser" - Nine Inch Nails. AP has a look
on his face that screams 'oh crap, not again' as a gun is pointed at his
head by a very steady hand.)
Gunman: (OS; no emotion) You killed Billy.
AP: (blink; "file not found") Wh ... who's BILLY?
Gunman: (OS; drawing it out) William ... Loman ... Jensen.
(AP twigs at the surname, eyes widening in understanding and fear as
he starts to stammer.)
AP: But ... but ... but ... but he DESERVED it! He was ... I
mean, he ... well... YOU DIDN'T SEE WHAT HE DID TO MY GIRLFRIEND!
Gunman: (OS; perfectly composed) No. I saw what you did to
my brother.
AP: ("I am SO dead...") Y ... your...?
Gunman: (OS) He didn't kill her. But you killed him.
AP: Y ... yes.
Gunman: (OS; just stating a fact) Then you see my position.
AP: (resigned sigh) Okay. Fine. Just ... just don't go
after Purple Peril; that's all I ask. (beat) Y ... you know who she
is, right?
Gunman: (OS; by rote, as if off internal list) Lynn
Jaquenetta Cullen Smythe. Age 18. Brown hair, recently with bangs, grey
eyes, commonly seen wearing purple...
AP: Okay, okay, you know! Just ... don't hurt her. Ever.
Gunman: (OS; nearly audible shrug) Fair enough.
(He cocks the weapon; AP closes his eyes ... and a car motor is heard
approaching the mouth of the alley. AP looks to see BWV parked across the
street from the alley mouth, with Pagebert getting out. The gun is gone from
AP's head very suddenly)
Gunman: (OS; still no trace of emotion) Another time.
(Brief footsteps, then utter silence bar streetnoise. AP slowly
fishes his Maglite out of his pocket, turns it on and shines it around the
alley. It's a dead end; there's a fire escape but the access ladder is up
and all the windows are shut.)
AP: (very scared) Eeeeeeeeeeee...
Pagebert: (OS) Maverick? That you?
AP: (jumping in utter panic) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Pagebert: (stepping into view) Hey, Maverick, what are you
doing in h... (gets a good look at AP's face) You okay?
AP: (brain freeze) I .. I killed Billy.
Pagebert: (blink) Say what?
AP: J-jensen.
Pagebert: (getting concerned now) Yes. Yes, you did. This
is a GoodThing (tm).
AP: His ... his brother doesn't think so...
Pagebert: (getting really alarmed) His...
AP: Tall thin pale guy; mouse-brown hair. All in black. Gun
(mimes it out) to head. Revenge thing.
(Pagebert's eyes widen and he draws his sidearm, scanning the area.
Then he takes the still-shellshocked AP by the arm and leads him away.)
(Scene: Lawndale street. Music plays on. Pagebert leads AP to the
back of BWV and goes to open the doors.)
AP: (trying to make his brain work) Who ... I mean, how
... I mean ... eee...
Pagebert: (looking nervously at the alley) Get in.
AP: Wh-where are we...?
Pagebert: Out of here. Now IN.
AP: But ... but ... but...
Pagebert: You sound like Narcissa.
AP: (indignance briefly overriding panic) HEY!
(Pagebert shoves AP into the back of BWV and slams the doors shut
after him. Then he takes one last look at the alley.)
Pagebert: (under his breath) Oh the Maverick's SCREWED...
(Then he gets into the van and takes off.)
END ACT 2 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria looking askance at Jane and AP, Lynn
hugging Mara, AP with the gun to his head and his eyes closed, Pagebert
shutting the van doors and then looking back]
Next in The Look-Alike Series...
Someone's trapped by old enemies...
(Scene: a darkened room. We just about recognise DJ huddled in a
corner; face-down on the floor in front of her is a short young woman with
brown hair. A mid-height young man with sandy hair is kneeling over her,
looking at a wound in her side - there's blood everywhere.)
Male Voice: (OS from behind) So what's the verdict, Doc?
Can you patch her up enough to let us grill her?
Doc: She's a human being, not a ... a ... fraying pair of jeans!
She needs more medical attention than I can give - hospital care - or she is
going to die.
Male Voice: She's a Smythe. Do you think we care?
-----------
Someone's a traitor...
(Scene: a darkened parking lot. Tom stands in the light of a
streetlamp, face grim, hand on his sidearm.)
Tom: I know what you are.
-----------
And someone's going to have to do a lot of fast talking...
(Scene: Slack's office. Warlock and Lynn face off across a chess
board.)
Warlock: Look what taking on too much did to your family.
Lynn: That's the whole point. My family; my revenge.
-----------
... to keep the Family alive.
(Scene: a small bare room. Quinn has a bow in her hand and a
set-jawed but petrified look on her face.)
Quinn: DO I HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN? THEY'RE COMING!
-----------
Anglo-Canadian studios in association with Ben Yee Short Films Inc
presents...
-----------
(Scene: bigwhitevan, shotgun seat. Warlock on his cellphone.)
Warlock: I hope it won't come to that (beat; his eyes flit
closed briefly) but if it does...
(Scene shift to Jane and Quinn fighting back-to-back in a narrow
corridor; then to Lynn with a Klingon bat'leth in her hands, looking far too
composed.)
Warlock: (VO; cont'd)...sell yourself dearly.
A 'Family' Holiday
ACT 3
(Scene: Biers. Music: "Burning Inside" - Ministry. Daria barges into
the bar, which is completely empty. No one's even behind the bar. This
desolation stops Daria dead. And then she's knocked over when the door flies
open again, hitting her in the back.)
Lynn: Dari... (sees Daria on the floor, looking peeved)
ah. Sorry.
Daria: (getting up) Okay, you don't LOOK like you're neck
deep in...
Lynn: And nor do YOU. (beat) What makes you think I'M in
any trouble?
Daria: What, besides your stellar track record?
Lynn: Rub it in, why don't you? (beat) Hang on.
(stepping towards the bar) SHOOTER! What the HELL is...
(By now she's reached the bar and vaulted over it. There's a splash
sort of noise as she lands. Daria watches as Lynn stays out of sight,
crouched behind the bar, for a moment. Then she straightens, and Daria sees
her face is very pale. Lynn steps aside (splat splat thud thud thud)
to the partition in the bar, flips it up and steps into the main bar. This
is the point at which we see that she has blood on her hands and on one
knee, and is tracking bloody bootprints as she walks.)
Daria: (shock) Lynn...
Lynn: (very quiet) Shooter.
(Silence for a second. Daria sniffs the air.)
Daria: Do you smell something weird?
Lynn: You mean besides a lot of spilled vermouth and even more
spilled blood? I...
Daria/Lynn: SMOKE!
Lynn: (tosses Daria her phone) You call 911, I'll get the
fire extinguishers!
(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior. Quinn standing on the kerb,
waiting, looking very impatient. Tom's rustbucket approaches - from within
we hear music: "Fire Water Burn (The Roof is On Fire)" - Too Kool
Chris. [<CB> Any Aussie ficmusic compilers feel free to blame Ben.
<Ben> Hey, it's her puncrime! And what do you mean "Any?"
Like there's more than one?] and Quinn stalks towards it.)
Quinn: It's about time! I was TRYING to track you down at school
to tell you I'd be home early and... (sees Tom's bleary state) What
happened to YOU?
Tom: My parents picked today to pull a 'Home Alone' on me. (to
Quinn's look) They didn't realise I was still home and asleep when they
left for work and it's not like Elsie cares. (frown) I still wonder
who the hell made decaf this morning...
Quinn: Oh, you can think about that later - come on!
(She hops into the car and does up her seatbelt. Tom puts the car in
gear and rolls about three feet before his cellphone rings. He picks up
while driving.)
Tom: Hello? (beat) Scar. What...? (beat) You're
WHERE? But why THERE? And... (beat) Oh crap. I'll be right there.
(He hangs up and increases his speed quite a bit. Quinn looks at
him.)
Quinn: What was THAT? Where are we GOING?
Tom: There's been a change of plans. But you'll never have to
complain about that smelly bar ever again.
(Quinn just looks at him.)
(Scene: Lane living room. Scar hanging up her phone as Jane looks
on in some irritation. Enter Trent, looking bemused. Music plays on.)
Trent: What's SHE doing here?
Jane: (acid) Making phone calls. Getting us into or out of
trouble and we don't even know the difference. Smythe stuff. (to Scar)
So, what exactly is going on?
Scar: At the moment, someone torched Biers
Trent: You're telling me the place is on fire?
Jane: (Sahara-dry) We don't need no water, let the mot...
Scar: I wouldn't say that if I were you. If their armoury goes
up...
(Scene: Biers int. Music: "Burn" - The Cure [I've never heard the
'radio edit' about which Lew bitches and don't care to - full 6:13 all the
way...] The walls are starting to go up. Lynn and Daria are wielding fire
extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you
have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.)
Daria: Lynn?
Lynn: Yeah?
Daria: Is there any reason why we're trying to play hero with
equipment more suited to a backyard water fight?
Lynn: Because I have to get to the ... other rooms. There's an
armoury.
Daria: And you're willing to risk our lives for a few lousy guns?
Lynn: Actually, it's a lot more than a few lousy guns. I'm
willing to risk our lives for the surrounding three blocks. If that thing
goes up, we won't survive the blast anyway.
(beat)
Daria: Oh.
Lynn: I think I can get through. Can you cover me?
(Daria coughs but nods grimly. Lynn looks concerned, but sees the set
of Daria's jaw and exits without another word, keeping low to avoid the
worst of the smoke. Daria keeps trying to put out the hottest spots, but
coughs steadily harder.)
(Scene: Casa Lane, int. Music plays on. Quinn and Tom enter to see
Warlock, Scar and Pagebert wheel on them both. AP is sitting on the sofa,
pale as a wraith. Trent's watching him from across the room, a little
concerned despite himself. Jane has been pacing, but when she catches
sight of Tom she launches herself over the sofa, past Warlock, Scar and
Pagebert, and slams Tom into a wall.)
Trent: Janey!
Scar: Scarlet...
Jane: (to Tom; doesn't even seem to hear Scar) I am NEVER
going to forgive you for this, do you understand me? NEVER!
Warlock: Scarlet, it wasn't him. He's the lowest of the low on
the totem pole.
Tom: HEY!
Jane: I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, if he'd stayed out
of Lynn's life in the first place...
AP: (fairly quiet) Uh ... wait, Jane?
Jane: (rounding on AP) WHAT?
AP: (still hushed and uncertain) We don't know where Daria
is. And Lynn's been gone all day. We don't have time to beat Tom up cos we
should be finding Daria and Lynn. Right?
(They all just look at him for a moment.)
Quinn: WAIT a minute. You mean Daria's MISSING?
Pagebert: Anyone know where they're likely to be? Do you think
they're together?
(They all look at AP, who's still staring at his boots in a
shell-shocked sort of way. Then at Jane, who drops her hand from Tom's
throat and looks at the floor with pain in her eyes. Then they look at
Warlock, who sighs.)
(Scene: Biers. Music plays on. Lynn barges through the door behind
the bar, a wet washcloth over her face.)
Lynn: We're okay, Daria; the place is se...
(pan to see Daria lying facedown on the floor, the antiquated fire
extinguisher about five or so feet away - it's obviously rolled there.)
Lynn: (OS) Oh crap - DARIA?!?
(Scene: Biers ext. Biers itself is blazing. Music plays on. We see
a
silhouette - flack-jacket wearing, booted, skirted - bearing a similarly
dressed silhouette in a fireman's lift. The carrier drops her load and we
see it's Lynn carrying Daria. Lynn proceeds to check for vital signs, then
starts CPR.)
Lynn: Come on, Daria, don't DO this to me...
(We hear heavy tread. And a pair of booted feet come into shot. Lynn
looks up, still doing CPR, facefaults ... slam to black.)
END
LEGAL BLATHER
Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie
Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000.
[Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes
me.] Lynn Cullen, AP McIntyre, Mara Fitzgerald, and any other character
you don't recognise from any ep, on the other hand, were created and are
owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000, 2001.
Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you.
All cameos used with permission, though by this point they're more
characters in their own rights. This is a "substantially transformative"
derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and
is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose
Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for
money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I
WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.