_The Look-Alike Series_ Daria fan fiction by Canadibrit with Ben Yee Season 4, episode 11: "Kiss and Makeup" prose adaptation by Austin Loomis Cast: Sandi Griffin, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Brooke Wanamaker, Tori Jericho, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie White, Stacy Rowe, Angie, Nikki, Brittany Taylor, Tom Sloane, Lynn Cullen, Quinn Morgendorffer, Ted DeWitt-Clinton, Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, A.P. McIntyre, Carol McIntyre, cotton- candy girl, Janet Barch, Jon "Lehrer" Hopper, two special guests "What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you What a wicked thing to say, y'never felt this way" -- Chris Isaak, "Wicked Game" ACT 1: ALL THE SMALL THINGS "It started small. But that's how everything always starts -- very small." -- Egg Shen, _Big Trouble in Little China_ _Lawndale High cafeteria -- lunchtime_ It was an ordinary day. The Fashion Club leadership were sitting at their usual table. Sandi was drumming her fingers impatiently on the table, her facial expression and general manner practically radioactive with piss-offedness. Tiffany looked as if her mind were somewhere else -- actually *somewhere* else, not the nowhere it usually went to. Finally, Sandi looked up at Tiffany and slammed her fist on the table. She then took a look at her hand. "I beroke a nail," she said pitifully. After a pause to regather her focus, she went back to being irritated. "And *where* are Tori and Berooke? I mean, is there a big sale over at Cashman's that I was not made aware of?" Tiffany was still distracted for some reason. "I don't think so, Sandi. I guess you could check if you wanted; you have a cellphone, riiiight?" "Then where *are* they? I mean, what could *possibly* be more important than a Fashion Club meeting?" Now Tiffany sounded a little wistful. "Boyfriends." Sandi had never watched any Japanimation (as she thought of it), but she did a magnificent facefault nonetheless. "BOYFERENDS?" Tiffany just waved a hand toward another table, over by the windows. Sandi's gaze drifted to the table. Tori and Brooke were sitting across one table from each other; Joey was sitting next to Tori, and Jeffy next to Brooke. They all looked very comfortable. Sandi was livid, but managed to keep a lid on her temper so that only a cold anger showed through. "I see. Boyferends. Don't they realize that having a steady boyferend takes away thee best way to measure popularity? I mean, there are *expectations* when you're as popular as *I* am -- you can't just settle on one guy. It wouldn't be fair to thee *others* who are waiting for thee chance to date me." Tiffany wasn't really listening, but it wasn't in her usual you- made-me-lose-my-place way; if Sandi'd noticed, she actually seemed a little sad. "I guess so, Sandi..." Jamie approached the table and stood by Tiffany; who brightened noticeably at his approach. He stood there for a minute, clearing his throat once or twice. She kept waiting happily. "Uh...Tiffany?" he finally said. "Yeaaaah, Jamie?" Wide-eyed awe. "You remember my name!" Blush. "Well...yeaaaah..." Jamie seemed awfully nervous. "Uh...I thought...after that thing last week, with the..." He trailed off. Tiffany's blush deepened as she too remembered the love-in. "Yeaaaah. That was...kinda..." Sandi frowned. "Ex*keeyuse* me, Tiffany, but I am ta-*rying* to conduct a *meeting* here..." Jamie ignored that. "Uh...I wanted to know...could I...did you...?" Tiffany's breath was sufficiently bated. "What?" "Do you wanna go out with me tonight?" he blurted. Instant brightening. "Suuuuure!" "I haven't taken Quinn out in a *long* time so I can afford Chez Pierre again..." He realized what he'd missed. "You...you mean it?" "Well," Sandi snarled, "if you're just going to *ignore* me, I think I'll go check my makeup." She made one last try at getting her digs in. "And Tiffany dear...you might want to avoid that shade of balusher in future -- I hate to tell you this but it makes your face look a little bit...full." Tiffany hadn't even heard Sandi's weight-related barb. "Suuuuure," she told Jamie. Sandi got up and stalked off, turning around again just in time to see Jamie eagerly take the vacated seat across from Tiffany. She scowled at that and moved on to the table occupied by Stacy and some of the other cheerleaders -- Angie, Nikki and Brittany, she thought -- all chattering animatedly. "Stacy, can I *talk* to you?" Stacy looked up uncertainly. "Sorry, Sandi, but I really can't. Cheerleading stuff, you know..." "I just want to ask *one* kuwestion." Stacy looked at her a bit dubiously, but didn't actually say "no," so she pressed on. "What *is* it with thee popular girls and..." She didn't even try to hide her disgust. "...steady *boyferends* all of a sudden? I mean, it's like *every* popular girl...and even some of thee social *rejects*... have steady boyferends. Since when did having one add to your popularity?" "Well, *Kevvie* and I have been going out for--" "Brittany," Angie interrupted, "you were going steady with Kevin when *normal* people were dating ten guys a week." "HEY!" Brittany squeaked indignantly. "I am *so* normal!" She got up then. "Where *is* Kevvie, anyway? He'd better not be with that *Trisha* girl..." She stalked off, fuming gently. The cheerleaders shared a look that said without words, _Britt? Normal? Who does she think she's kidding?_ Then Stacy turned back to our special guest. If Sandi hadn't known better, she'd almost have sworn Stacy was taking some kind of pleasure in her next comment. "Actually, Sandi...it was *Quinn* who made exclusive dating the popular thing to do." She gestured to a table where Quinn was sitting with Ted, the two of them happily chatting away and holding hands across the table. "Since she started going out with Ted, just about *everyone* started getting steady boyfriends. And then when Quinn got in trouble and Lynn and those other people started that protest of the three-foot rule, it just seemed like--" "*Ee-nough* already!" Sandi interjected. "I mean, how many times do I have to hear thee name *Ku-winn?*" Stacy sort of hid a smirk. "Well, she's *still* more popular than *you* are, even *without* the Fashion Club." Angie spoke up again. "So are *you,* Stacy -- don't forget." A blush and a grin. "Really? I mean, I've *never* been more popular than *Sandi*..." Sandi scowled and backed away a little; they'd forgotten she was there, and she decided to take advantage of the chance to eavesdrop. "Sure," Nikki chimed in. "And more than Brittany too. I mean, you're smarter than Brittany and a *whole* lot nicer than Sandi..." "Even Lynn *Cullen*'s nicer than *Sandi,* Nikki. And *she* came up with those *cheers.*" Angie shuddered. "Yeah, that Lynn girl's vicious, but she can be nice. Sandi's hit a real low." "But Quinn's *still* the most popular kid in school," Stacy had to point out. "Even *more* so now that she's stopped using guys like..." She trailed off uncomfortably. "Toilet paper," Nikki said gently; "you can say it. It was written on that bathroom wall for a *long* time." After a moment, she suppressed a giggle. "Now it's written about *Sandi.*" That tore it for Sandi; she stalked off to the laughter of the others. _I should have *known* that would come back to bite me in thee ass._ She glared at where Quinn and Ted were sharing a kiss. "Well. We'll just see how long *that* lasts." * * * _The halls of Lawndale High_ At his locker, Tom pulled out a book and looked at it derisively. Lynn approached, followed his gaze for a moment and decided to explain. "The Nose hadn't got the school budget back on track enough to replace all the textbooks yet." _Then again, can you blame him? After some of the shenanigans the Jackboot pulled, I doubt Bill *Gates* could unscrew *this* school's budget, let alone that cola company that tried to offer Caldwell the sponsorship._ "So that's why our Geography book still mentions East and West Berlin." Nod. "At least he shelled out for a new periodic table for the science room wall. The one that was there when I came had the last ten or so marked on in *pencil.*" Sigh. "Shame Lehrer isn't going to be principal all that long." Lynn raised an eyebrow. "Word is the Nose is going to be back in time for the spring semester." Tom checked his watch and groaned. "Speaking of Lehrer, I have to talk to him about something. Tell Narcissa to meet me in front of her house at six, would you?" That eyebrow again. "Nudge-nudge-wink-wink-saynomore?" Tom managed to blush slightly. "Ew," he said unconvincingly, then shook himself and went on in his normal tones. "Not like that. She wants to learn to fight properly and doesn't want to tip her parents off by asking for formal martial arts training. So I'm giving her a few tips." "When'd you start *this*?" "Three days ago." Lynn allowed herself a slight smirk at Rust's expense. "When do you think she'll go beyond your teaching?" Tom seemed to visibly deflate. "I give her two weeks, tops." He took a moment to nerve himself, then asked, "...Can I...?" Sigh. "Fine. Send her my way if you have to. And I'll pass the message along." "Great." Tom tossed the book into his locker and slammed it shut; then, as an afterthought, called "Thanks" over his shoulder as he made his exit. "Yeah, whatever," Lynn muttered to his retreating back. She started off in the opposite direction, rounded a corner...and collided with Sandi hard enough to make them both stagger backwards. "OW!" Janus snapped. "Watch where you're *going!*" Lynn raised the eyebrow. "Excuse me? *You* were the one standing right in a major traffic area." "Oh, what*ever.* Popular people can stand wherever they *want* to stand. I mean, those geeky ugly galasses you wear *must* help you see better...so you can just watch where you're going and stay *out* of my *way.*" She walked off with Lynn death-glaring after her. The glare would have been more intense if she'd been able to see the way Sandi was smirking as she walked. * * * _Morgendorffer Home Base, that night_ Quinn was sitting impatiently on the front step, wearing the sweatpants- and-sports-bra ensemble she'd worn training with Scar, with her pink leather jacket over it all. The Rustbucket pulled noisily up to the curb, and Quinn got up and walked towards it, scowling. "Still with the pink," that Tom freak said. Quinn ignored that. "You're *late.*" "Business." "Well, could we please hurry 'cause Ted's gonna call at nine- thirty to find out how my first day at the animal shelter went." A raised eyebrow. "Animal shelter?" "Oh, and I'm supposed to tell him I'm going to be rolling around on mats with *you* all night? Are you *kidding*? No *wonder* you and Jane broke up!" That obviously stung. "Get in." Quinn got in the car and it drove off. Down Glen Oaks Lane a ways, from where they'd seen the whole thing, Ted looked extremely sad, and Sandi was trying, with no success at all, to hide a smirk. "I'm *really* sorry you had to find out this way, Ted. But I just couldn't let a gareat guy like you go on not knowing that his girlferend was...well, cheating on him that way." "But...but...why didn't she *tell* me?" "Well, you *must* know what people say about Ku-winn...what her *reputation* is..." "I never gave any credence to the rumours. I just thought that it must be jealous people wanting to hurt her. But..." "Of course, you *couldn't* have believed that Ku-winn would do something like this to you. You're too *nice* to think that someone else would do something that..." She was now oozing enough false concern to float a battleship. "Come on, Ted. Let's go out somewhere and maybe *I* can help you take your mind off this whole unpaleasant incident." With a very wounded look on his face, Ted let a vindicated-looking Sandi lead him away. He threw a single glance back at the Morgendorffer house before turning his attention to where he was going -- away from it. ACT 2: TERRIBLE LIE "It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced And are you thinking of me when you f*** her?" -- Alanis Morrissette, "You Oughta Know" _Morgendorffer Home Base, kitchen -- the next morning_ Daria was sitting at the table, eating a muffin and reading the paper, when Quinn came in, moving a little stiffly. Daria looked up and raised an eyebrow. "How does the other guy look?" she asked, half-amused and almost sounding it. Quinn smirked. "AWFUL. I mean, he can *kinda* fight -- I mean with moves and technol...tech...you know, he knows how *properly* -- but he can't see what someone else is going to do and fix what *he's* doing so he doesn't get beat on." She rotated her left shoulder with a groan. "But when he *did* get a hit, he got it *hard.*" And the smirk came back. "*I* learned to do that pretty *well!* I mean, I *knew* I could *do* it and--" There was a sound of horns and motors from the outside. Daria dropped her muffin and got up. "That's my ride." "Who's driving you?" "Jane." Daria thought about that question a moment and began to get suspicious. "Why?" "Well, I'm still *really* sore from all of yesterday and even if I *could* tell Ted where I *was* last night, he can't drive and his parents won't even let him have a *bike* and I don't want to call that *Tom* guy 'cause I bet he wouldn't give me a ride anyway no matter *how* sore I am just because I kicked his butt and--" Somehow, Daria finally managed to get a word in wedgewise. "*Look,* Quinn. I'll ask Jane if she minds driving you -- on two conditions." "*Anything,*" Quinn pled, "I absolutely *promise!*" "First, five bucks to Jane for gas and ten to me as a finder's fee." Quinn dug in her pocket and handed over the cash. "Second...you don't say another word until we get to school." "But...but...but..." "That's three. You walk." Daria turned and headed for the door. "WAIT!" Daria turned back. Quinn made a zipper motion across her lips. Daria half-smirked. "That's better. Come on." She turned one last time and exited. Quinn, a little put out, grabbed the remaining two bites of Daria's muffin, looked at it speculatively -- and hungrily -- for a moment, then with an inner _Ew, what am I *thinking?*_, dropped the muffin remnant and headed out. * * * _Lawndale High_ Daria and Jane walked through the halls, Quinn trailing behind them. As they passed the other lockers, people seemed to be looking askance at Quinn, sometimes reforming the gossip huddle when she'd passed by. Quinn was looking just that little bit paranoid. Jane only peripherally noticed, being distracted by something more immediate. "Wow. All the way to school and not a *word* out of Princess Grace. That's *got* to be some kind of record." "Well, given the workout she got last night," Daria pointed out, "walking would *not* have agreed with her." There were snickers and disapproving noises from the people who'd caught that. Quinn sped up so that Daria and Jane were flanking her. "Uh... guys?" Jane sighed. "Such bliss just couldn't last." "I'm *serious.* People are *looking* at me funny! I mean, is it *that* much like social death to be *seen* with you people? Oh my *God,* what's going to happen to my *reputation?*" "Like *you* ever cared, *Quinn.*" The three of them turned toward the sound, their attention caught the slightly nasty tone in Angie's voice. She was standing with a small group of her fellow cheerleaders, Brittany, Nikki and Stacy among them. Stacy turned on her colleague. "Come *on,* Angie! Back off! We don't know the whole story!" "Yeah, but we know what she *is.* I dated Skylar for awhile and he told me about that *thing* she pulled because of the ski house and the rest of it. She'd *definitely* go for him..." "It might be a mistake!" A few more kids gathered around Stacy and Quinn. Daria and Jane were joined by Lynn and A.P., who surveyed the scene and exchanged a look. "Ooh," the Maverick piped up. "Popularity Deathmatch?" "What have I told you about watching MTV?" Lynn chid. A.P. went all shamefaced. "Sorry." Quinn approached Stacy, heedless of the spectators. "*What* might be a mistake? Stacy, what's going *on?*" Stacy was all breathless worry, very much the Shrinking Violet of old. "It's all over school, Quinn. Sandi and Ted saw you getting into that Tom guy's car last night when you told Ted that you were volunteering at the animal shelter." "no..." "And Sandi got into your locker, I think, because there's a piece of paper on the bulletin board showing every excuse you ever used on a guy to break a date." Quinn went very pale. "Stacy, I was *different* then..." Stacy waved that away. "That's the least of your problems, Quinn. *I* know you're different now, but the rest of the school doesn't see it that way. And neither does Ted." "Wh..." Gulp. "How bad is it?" "Brooke said she heard him say that he was going to break up with you. And...oh, Quinn, he's probably going to go out with Sandi." "WHAT?" "Jack and Cindy saw them together at Pizza King last night. She was...`comforting'...him." Quinn was beyond numb, into just blankly processing the info and its implications. "She did it on purpose. She knew somehow and she set me up." "She *was* acting pretty jealous of you yesterday," Stacy rather reluctantly allowed as. "But because of everything with Skylar and Joey, Jeffy and whatshisname and Corey and Robert and everybody *else*..." "She set me up." Some emotion was starting to show through -- specifically, blind rage. "That little tramp set me up, ruined my reputation and stole my first real *boyfriend!*" Stacy was frightened -- she'd never seen Quinn like this before. "Uh...Quinn? I know you're upset, but..." She faded out as Quinn stalked off through the murmuring crowd. Stacy looked *really* scared now. "Quinn, *wait!*" Daria, Jane, Lynn and A.P. exchanged a look and moved to follow her. * * * Elsewhere in the halls, Sandi was at her locker, fixing her mascara, smirking to herself. Quinn came around the corner and stopped dead at the sight of Sandi. For a moment, the two of them just faced off -- anyone who'd seen Quinn training with Scar would have been running like hell. Sandi, however, just smirked and gave Quinn a mocking little wave before shutting her locker and moving away. Quinn was paralyzed by rage for a moment...then started forward after Sandi. Daria and Jane came around the corner behind her and put the grab on her before she could get two steps. At this, Quinn just *erupted* -- there's no other word for it -- struggling wildly in their grips. "LET *GO* OF ME, DARIA! I'M GOING TO BEAT HER FACE INTO NEXT *YEAR*!" Daria held on for dear life, amazed at the effort it was taking. "Quinn, calm *down.* Beating up on Sandi in school hours isn't going to solve anything..." "It'll feel *damn* good now let the hell *go* of me!" Lynn moved in to face her anti-sister. "You want to do this? I understand. But you'll have to get past all *four* of us to do it." "*Fine,* go *right* ahead and get in my way! I can kick *all* of your butts and you *know* it!" "Debatable." Lynn let that hang a moment, then added, "But can you kick the butt of a gun?" Quinn finally stopped struggling at that point -- she went very still and wide-eyed, in fact. Lynn unzipped her jacket ever-so-slightly, just enough to reveal the butt of her .45, and nodded once, a look in her eyes that said _Dare me._ Quinn let herself go limp in a show of surrender, and Lynn zipped her jacket back up. At that point, Daria and Jane felt comfortable with letting go, but they stayed ready to grab her if she showed any more signs of going Chernobyl. Quinn's anger had apparently faded, though; now, without it to prop her up, she was just plain miserable. "I can't face this. I can't explain to Ted what I did and I can't face what they're all saying about me. I wanna go home." For a wonder, she thought about that. "But I *can't* go home because if I *do* go home, they'll all think I'm scared and ashamed and that everything they said about me was *right.*" Sigh. "If I can't pound Sandi's lying little face into pulp, then what *can* I do?" So asking, she made her departure, with surprising grace under the circumstances. Silence supervened for a moment as all parties considered her last statement. And then, as if telepathically linked, Daria, Jane and A.P. turned to look at Lynn, who asked, "What?" "Like you don't know," Daria scoffed. "What's it going to cost me to unleash the full force of vengeance that is the Purple Peril on Sandi Griffin?" "You're offering *me* money. Your demi-sister the trust fund brat. Daria, if you really want me to make Janus pay for *this* little stunt, it'll be a freebie." She thought about it. "On the other hand, that doesn't stop me from seeing what I can get out of your *other* half- sib..." A slight smirk. "That's the Cullen we know and look askance at." "Want in on this, A.P.?" "With you all the way as always, Purple Peril!" He took a moment for thought. "Method 14?" "I don't think so. No one eats the salad in the cafeteria. Anyway, I have yet to see poison ivy, poison oak *or* stinging nettles in Lawndale. If I'd known I was going back into the revenge business, I would have set the greenhouse up again when we moved." The bell rang, mercifully saving Daria and Jane from having to think too hard about that one. "We talk about it over lunch," Erudite Emerald decreed, a proposition that met with somber nods all around. * * * _Pizza King_ Quinn was sitting alone in a booth, picking at a pizza, with an odd expression -- a combination of sullenness, heartbreak, helplessness and utter rage. The door opened, and Lynn came in with a book under her arm. She scanned the place, saw her opposite number, and stepped over to the booth. "This isn't your usual table." "Yeah, well, I don't see *your* name written on it," Quinn snarked. Lynn looked at Quinn impassively for a moment, then took a seat across from the other without being asked. "Congratulations on your self-restraint, by the way. Admirable, the way you didn't go after Sandi straight after school." "Yeah, well, knowing you, you'd have come after me with that gun." Then she had another thought; it was getting to be a habit. "Wait -- how do you know I *didn't*?" Lynn just looked at her. "You kept *tabs* on me?" "Precautionary measures. No one, least of all you, can afford to have you sent to juvenile hall." "Huh. But the people who live near you think it's a *crackhouse* or something and *you* never get busted!" Lynn continued to look at her steadily. "How do you *cope* with this? You've been dealing with this stupid cr..." She caught herself -- this was a bit public to be mentioning the Smythe Family interests. "...thing longer than *any* of us. Do you have, like, some kind of motto like Mr. O'Neill sometimes says works? I mean, it sounds geeky, but you *are* a geek and I'm *desperate* so--" "My motto?" Lynn interjected. "`Life's an eternal ball-breaking bitch. Why not imitate it?'" Quinn was now sobbing with pure rage. "It's not *fair!* It's just...not...*fair!* I can't have a boyfriend unless he's one of your *Family* people and I *couldn't* get Ted involved after what happened to Jodie and Mack and I can't even have *revenge* because I'd get into *worse* trouble and anyway, I've *seen* what happens!" "Excuse me?" "That Falcon jerk -- sorry, your *dad* -- didn't want to do something that that Merritt jerk wanted him to do so for revenge he hit *you.* Then your dad did something *else* that probably made that Merritt jerk even *more* mad and then he wanted to do bad things to *us!* And *then* we had to do bad things to him *back* and now he and that Jensen jerk are *dead* but those freaks in San Francisco say it's *still* not over because they're always going to want to get us! It's just like with *Sandi!* If I hit her she'll get her mother to do something to me or do something *herself* and then I'll have to do it back and it'll be one of those vicious...*things!* And it's JUST...NOT...*FAIR*!" The rest was silence, except for vicious sobbing. Lynn was a little bit stunned. _How did she say all that without pausing for breath even *once*?_ Then she raised an eyebrow in what was, for her, a fairly overt show of sympathy. She handed over the book under her arm. Quinn stopped sobbing and looked at it. "What the cross- country experience taught *me* was, if you want revenge, finish the job completely the first time." As Quinn looked at the cover of the book -- A.P.'s magnum opus -- her face slowly brightened to an evil smirk. ACT 3: ORIGINAL PRANKSTER "You and me, I can see us dyin', oh please Don't speak, I know just what you're sayin' So please stop explainin', don't tell me 'cause it hurts" -- No Doubt, "Don't Speak" _The preparations_ Daria, Jane, Lynn and A.P. had gathered at his locker. Quinn approached them and handed Lynn her book back before quickly walking away. The Peril opened _Twenty-Five Sure-Fire Ways to Drive Any Teacher into Early Retirement_ -- several bills had been used as a bookmark at "Method 17." Lynn and A.P. looked impressed; Daria and Jane, after scanning the rest of the page, looked at the terrors of Oakwood with a sort of sick, helpless awe. Jane started laughing then, while Daria just shook her head in disbelief. Up in her Chamber of Dark Mysteriousness, Lynn was busy on the computer; A.P. sat on the desk beside her, watching. The screen was showing the homepage of "Bob's Bargain Basement Bomb and Biohazard." Lynn clicked on "Chemical Warfare Warehouse" and smirked. A.P. grinned back. Daria walked in with cans of pop, looked over Lynn's shoulder and gave her sister a look that would have translated into words as "You enjoy this *entirely* too much." In the library, Lynn was talking to Stacy. The Violet looked apprehensive, but determined and maybe just a little mischievous. Money changed hands. The door of McIntyre Manor opened, and Carol stood there. She blinked hazily at the delivery person -- a short, pale girl with fluffy hair dyed pink; she looked a bit as if a stick of cotton candy had fallen on her head -- then there was thumping on the stairs and A.P. appeared at his mother's side, grabbing the parcel from Cotton Candy Girl. He nods thanks, wearing a total mad-scientist grin, and barged out of sight. Carol, looking a bit more out of it than usual, signed the proof-of receipt, then held out a hand for the parcel. Cotton Candy Girl looked wide-eyed at Carol for a moment, then handed her a pack of chewing gum. Carol nodded her thanks and shut the door. Cotton Candy Girl walked away, shaking her head and looking fed up. _Why do *I* get all the weirdoes?_ In the stadium bleachers, Stacy, carrying her pom-poms, was talking to Tiffany, who was presumably there to watch Jamie play. Though Stacy didn't know it, Tiffany had had that same little sly smile when she told Daria which was Sandi's locker. More money changed hands. In A.P.'s room, hereinafter the Techno-Weasel Den, he and Jane were working on some pinkish goo bubbling in a crucible over a bunsen burner. A succession of dyestuffs were sitting on the counter beside them. A.P. shows the mixture to Jane, who frowned and added just a touch of red dye. The mixture darkened almost imperceptibly. A.P. grinned more evilly than one might expect, then gave a Frankensteinesque cackle. Jane matched it with her most evil smirk. In science class, seemingly unnoticed by Barch, Stacy handed Tiffany a tube of lipstick. Quinn watched with a smirk. Ted, emboldened by Barch's apparent lack of attention, turned a bit to scowl at Quinn, and her face fell. Barch then turned on him, furious. * * * _Tragic Flaw_ Sandi was doing her makeup at the girls' bathroom mirror. Some of the contents of her makeup bag included mascara, concealer and -- most important -- a tube of lipstick. Tiffany waited until Sandi was engrossed in her grooming rituals, then took out a lipstick seemingly identical to Sandi's -- the one Stacy had given her -- and swapped it for the original. She then headed for the door, opening it a crack to reveal Quinn, Jane, Lynn, A.P. and a reluctant-looking Daria. Tiffany gave them all that little smirk. "Countdown in five," Jane announced, "four, three, two, one..." "Mmm-*mmph?!?*" in familiar low-alto tones. The quintet (puncrime, I know) dashed around a corner -- A.P. grinning, Jane and Lynn smirking fit to bust, Daria smirking a little in spite of herself, Quinn giggling. A moment later, Sandi dashed around the same corner, eyes wide and panicked, hand clamped over her mouth. She collided with Acting Principal Hopper (the only name she knew him by) as he exited an office. "Good morning, Miss Griffin," he said. "And what's yer hurry?" Sandi removed the hand from her lips. "Mmph-mmmff!" she said. "Mmm-mmph-*mmm!*" "Yeh'll have teh talk up a bit. They accuse *my* countrymen of mumblin', but yeh're in the indeciph'rable range." Sandi pointed to her lips. "MMMMMMPH!" she explained. Lehrer allowed himself a small smirk. "Miss Griffin, yer not makin' a jot o' sense. Now get yerself ter class before yeh're in my bad graces for tardiness. Or mebbe loiterin'. Or inappropriate behaviour on school grounds." He walked away; the way his smirk widened when he knew Sandi could no longer see his face indicated, just in case you hadn't guessed, that he knew *exactly* what'd happened to her. Sandi stood there for a moment, unable to believe what had just happened. Her fists clenched hard enough that a small trickle of blood began seep through her fingers; she was visibly *vibrating* with rage, basically going through a near-blowup that even DeMartino couldn't have copied no matter how hard he tried. Then she stalked off down the corridor. * * * In another part of the hall, Quinn was applying her own lipstick, looking casual and relatively cheerful. Sandi stalked up to her, and Quinn looked up with a smile. "Oh, *hi,* Sandi!" she said, just like the old days. "Mmmmmmmmmph?" Sandi accused. "Oh, you're looking for *this.*" Quinn held up a plastic bottle of clear solution. (Daria, Jane, Lynn and A.P. peered around a corner, watching the scene play out.) "It's a solvent -- it'll loosen the glue on your lips but won't kill you or turn your lips green." "Actually," A.P. confessed under his breath) "I dunno about the green lips part..." That got him Looks from the female contingent. "I didn't have a lot of time! And if it *does,* won't it be funny?" All three considered that a moment, then shrugged acceptance and resumed watching the drama unfold. "MMMPH." "You know something?" Quinn observed serenely. "I think most of the kids at school -- maybe even some of the *teachers* -- will *thank* me for the service I'm doing by not giving this stuff to you." She put it down on her locker shelf and shuts the door. "By making you shut *up* for a little while, my popularity will *skyrocket.*" That was it. Sandi went into intercontinental ballistic bitch mode. "MMMMMMMMPH!" she attempted to snarl as she threw herself at Quinn. Quinn allowed herself to be caught by surprise, and Sandi got a good punch to Quinn's left eye. Then, when Sandi threw a second punch, Quinn caught in, grabbed her in a wrist-lock, slammed her into the lockers good and hard a couple of times, then released Sandi *just* long enough to kick her a good one to the side of the head. Sandi dropped like a rock. Lehrer, by this time, had joined Daria, Jane, Lynn and A.P. and was looking at Quinn's handiwork almost approvingly. Now for a good job of acting. Quinn was the picture of innocence, sorrowful and pained -- suspiciously so, Sandi might have thought. "Mr. Hopper? Sorry about all this but she *attacked* me! Ohhhhhh I think she gave me a black eye..." At least she didn't have to fake the pain. "Not another word, Miss Morgendorffer. I saw th' whole thing. Yeh were well within yer rights." He paused for effect. "Miss *Griffin,* however..." Sandi let out a muffled groan. * * * _Morgendorffer Home Base_ Quinn looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. Sure enough, she had a real nasty shiner there. She frowned at it for a moment, then shrugged and left the room. There was music coming down the upstairs hall from the speakers in Daria's room; -- it was pretty soft, but it was something by that *grunge* band, the Men in the Box or whatever. Daria's door was standing open a crack. Quinn approached the door, stopping as she heard Jane's voice. "So you're telling me Lehrer had the power to get Sandi *suspended*?" Quinn's eyes widened in a kind of triumph, and she peered into the room. Daria was on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Lynn was on the rug, also staring at the ceiling. Jane was sitting in Daria's desk chair. A.P. was sitting cross-legged on the floor, tinkering idly with Daria's chemistry set. "Well," Lynn pointed out, "for stuff like assault, it's kind of built in. Three to five days is the norm." "Believe me," A.P. added fervently, "she knows." That netted him Looks from Daria and Jane. "Well, she *does!*" And a Glare from Lynn, which made him go *gleep*. "Shuttingupnow." "It doesn't matter anyway. Sandi got so embarrassed by the whole thing that she's refusing to go back to Lawndale High -- *ever.* We got some third party legit mentioning that a Mr. and Mrs. Griffin were looking for good schools and job prospects in and around Texas." There was silence. Lynn's smirk was unsettling *all* of them ...except A.P., who seems to know. Finally, Quinn couldn't take it anymore. "SO WHAT DID YOU *DO*, ALREADY?!?" she demanded as she barged into the room. No one looked the least bit surprised at the sudden in-burst... or the accompanying outburst. "Hey, Quinn," Daria greeted her mother's other daughter. "Hey-ho, Narcissa!" You could have knocked Quinn over with a mascara brush. "You ...you knew I was out there the whole *time*?" "We've been hanging around *her* too long." Jane jerked a thumb at Lynn. Lynn, still sprawled on her back on the rug, gave an idle wave. "In answer to your question..." She gave a small smirk now. "The first rule about Project Mayhem is..." Quinn raised an eyebrow. "Before I have to break your arm... *Peril.*" Lynn raised an eyebrow of her own right back at that. "Look, you obviously haven't seen the movie--" "Of *course* I did! Brad Pitt is *so* cute, even *with* that God-awful haircut..." Sigh. "...Or you were so busy drooling over Brad Pitt that you don't remember what Project Mayhem *was.* Arson. Mischief." A pause, then a small smirk. "And Disinformation. We pulled the latter on the Griffin family and pointed them to...a place that probably wasn't what she had in mind." Glee fit. "Oooooooooh! Where? Wherewherewhere?" "I think I'd like to know that too," Daria agreed. "Yeah," Jane added; "if my conscience isn't going to let me sleep at night, I'd like it to have a more specific target on this one." "Think we'll wait awhile on that one, guys," A.P. said. "After all, we wouldn't want you feeling sorry for her *too* soon." "I'm not *going* to feel sorry for her," Quinn stated simply. "But we'll wait until it's final anyway," Lynn replied. "Wouldn't want you to get your hopes up." Her most long-suffering sigh. "Fine." A pause. "Lynn...I wanted to ask you something. Who came up with that...that *Method,* anyway?" A.P. jerked a thumb at Lynn. "Hers. Well, *I* thought it'd be funny to glue someone's mouth shut. Purple Peril here had the idea for putting it in the lipstick after the rubber cement chewing gum didn't work." "I *thought* so." Another pause. "You know, Lynn, you know a *lot* about makeup and flirting and stuff like that. I bet you could be really *really* popular if you put your mind to it!" She met Daria and Jane's incredulous stares; then A.P.'s Lord-have-mercy-on-her-soul expression; then Lynn's glare. At the last, she went *chalk white*. "Or at least you can tell me how I can cover up this black eye," she hurriedly added. "No makeup invented can cover up a black eye, Quinn." That got Lynn matched Looks from Daria and Jane. "Just don't ask." * * * _Lawndale High, the next day_ Quinn was stowing books, looking a bit forlorn. A very nervous-looking Ted approached, wringing his hands. He stopped about ten feet away from Quinn and just watched her for a moment. Then he dared to speak. "Uh ...Quinn?" Quinn stiffened but didn't turn around. "Hi Ted." "Quinn...I talked to Stacy." "That's nice." "She..." Sigh. "She said that Sandi was really jealous and everything she said about any romance with you and Tom Sloane was total fabrication. And that she was using me to get back at you in some way." Silence, in which Quinn didn't turn around. "Quinn, I was wrong not to try to get your side. I was just afraid. You're so experienced at this sort of thing...dating, I mean...that I thought I...just might not be enough for you." More silence. "Quinn, please. If you want to explain, I'm ready to listen to your side." Quinn still wasn't turning around. "Ted, it's been nearly two *weeks* since Sandi told you all those things and made you spy on me. If you *really* believed that I could do anything like that to you and didn't even wait to hear my side before dumping me, I don't *want* you." "Quinn--" "Go away, Ted." Ted watched her for a moment. She still didn't turn around. After a moment, his shoulders slumped and he walked away. A moment later, Quinn shut her locker door and turned. Now that he was gone, and nobody else was around, she could show the world the tears that she'd been silently crying the whole time. * * * _Morgendorffer Home Base -- Quinn's room_ Quinn was face-first on her bed, crying silently again -- only now it was into that damn smiley-face pillow. There was a knock on the door. "Go away or I shall taunt you a second time." A moment later, the reflex words registered with her brain, and the waterworks instantly turned off as her eyes widened. "Omigod, did I *say* that?" "I was about to ask that," Daria admitted as she opened the door. "Can I come in?" "I guess." Daria entered, bearing an envelope, and sat down on Quinn's bed. A moment of silence ensued. "I heard about what you said to Ted." A moment's silence more. "You lied to him again, didn't you?" "It was in a good cause. That A.P. guy got hurt 'cause Lynn's in it. And watch Mack get hurt more...you know, like smacked or shot or knifed hurt...'cause Jodie's in it. I can't watch Ted get hurt 'cause ..." A heavy sigh. "...'cause *I'm* in it." More silence. "Would it help or hurt if I said I was proud of you?" "I don't know." "Well, I am." She let that hang a moment. "And I have something here that might cheer you up." She handed Quinn the envelope. "If you need someone...check Pizza King. We're usually there." She made her exit. Quinn looked after Daria for a moment, then smiled a little and looked at the envelope. She pulled out a photograph -- and looked at it for a moment in total disbelief. Then she burst out laughing, fit to bust, smothering the guffaws in the smiley-face pillow the same way she'd just been stifling her sobs. The picture fluttered to the floor -- it was a very familiar scene. Okay, not *completely* familiar, but Quinn had gone to Highland High too. Sandi was seated in the back row, between those two...freaks of nature that used to hang around Daria, the ones Quinn had been lucky enough not to meet until the day of the move. They were leering at Sandi, who looked depressed as anything. _That'd brighten *any* day._ * * * _Highland High_ "Hey...hey Butt-Head! Mheheheheheheh! She's got thingies!" "Shut up, Beavis! I'm gonna score! -- Hey baby. Wanna...do it? Uhhuhuhuhuhuhhuh!" "No way, assmunch! She wants *me!*" Sandi let out a groan of despair as the two products of severe inbreeding and irradiated tapwater squabbled as only they can. ADAPTOR'S NOTES Believe it or not, until I went and looked, I'd thought that the "toilet paper" line was from "My Quinn's Delayed Reaction," because it's quoted in the synopsis. I almost corrected CB on that *before* I went and looked. I leave it to you to decide whether you think "that cola company" is a reference to "Fizz Ed" or "Choice of a Skewed Generation." Jan'll probably harm me for mentioning this, but Lynn speaks from her experience about the black eye thing. It wasn't like *that,* mind; it involved a playground swing, as I recall. Brief nod to "Goodbye, Diarrhea" there, yes. C.E. writes a good stick, and I happen to think that was one of his best. (It was certainly the first of his that I read.) This adaptation is dedicated to the memory of Douglas Noel Adams, 1952-2001. Not because it has anything in particular to do with his style (at least not deliberately), but because without him, you might not be reading any of these adaptations owing to my having lacked the extra spark of hope and humor, during my high school years, that kept my teenage angst from going that last step into oblivion. So long, Bop Ad, and thanks for *all* the fish. Obligatory legal blap: Daria Morgendorffer was created (as were the rest of the Lawndale characters) by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn, and she and her neighbors are copyright 1993, 1997, 2001 MTV Networks, a Viacom company. (As Michelle Klein-Haess has pointed out, work-for-hire sucks the yolks from ostrich eggs.) Monty Python quotes and characters are copright 1970, 2001 Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd. They are here used, without the permission of their creators or owners, in the not-for-profit context of fan-fiction. The characters of Lynn Cullen, A.P. McIntyre and (arguably the rest of the Smythe Family are copyright 1999, 2001 by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson. This storyline is copyright 2001 Canadibrit and Ben Yee and was adapted by Austin Loomis (to whom the prose format version is also copyright 2001) with their permission. All other characters, locations and incidents (of which I don't think there are any, actually) are either imaginary or used fictitiously. Any coincidence of names is regretted, and any resemblance to persons living, dead, undead, or wandering the night in ghostly torment is either purely satirical or not my fault. As a "substantially transformative" derivative work, this story is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music. It may be freely redistributed as long as this copyright notice is maintained intact, but may not be in any way redistributed for profit without the permission of the legal owners of all concepts involved. The present author hereby gives permission for any and all keepers of Daria fanfic pages to archive this work (as if I could stop them). Any publication of this story for profit without the express written permission of Austin Loomis, Janet Neilson, Ben Yee and MTV Networks (like any of that'll happen, especially the last) is strictly prohibited, and violators, if I ever decide to track them down, will be strung up by the thumbs, beaten about the head and shoulders with a free-range carrot, and then handed over to corporate lawyers who will do terrible things to them. On purpose. Austin, and good day. Al D T0 W- Q Fw^Fr O+ Ow+OH+Of m c- MV+ F:111,208,313,407,506 BB+ FCT -DT+ q fJ^fj^fD