(Opening montage. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck" - Splendora.

LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP by the lockers. As one body, they facefault and turn their heads to look at something out of shot. Lynn flicks her wrist, producing a knife, and dashes out of shot.

Football field, near the bleachers. Kevin and Brittany arguing. AP, sitting in the bleachers wearing a LHS marching band uniform and a completely disgusted expression, picks up a large pair of cymbals and smashes them together right near Kevin and Brittany's ears.

Pizza King. Quinn sitting at a table, sobbing with rage. Lynn looks at her, eyebrow raised in what is, for her, sympathy, and hands over a book. Quinn looks at the cover and stops crying as her face slowly brightens to an evil smirk.

AP's room. AP completely engrossed in a video game. Daria watches him play for a moment, disgust in her face, then starts digging through his cabinets.

LHS corridor. Mrs Bennett opens a door to reveal a broom closet in which Lynn and AP are making out; Lynn and AP break off a kiss as the door opens. They look at Bennett for a moment, then Lynn gives a wide grin and shuts the door in her face.

Morgendorffer front hallway. Jake going completely ballistic at Jerome, who is standing on the front step and looking at Jake in a manner that suggests that he's two seconds from calling the men in white coats. Then Jake takes a swing at Jerome.

The Zen. Daria, Jane, AP, Andrea, Guy, Casey and Mara at a table. Upchuck is leering at Mara, who regards him for a moment and then pulls him forward by the collar and kisses him hard, mouth open. When she lets go, Upchuck falls over in a dead faint. Jane looks extremely impressed.

Lane front door. Jane [in artist's smock and beret] and Jodie [ratty jeans, baggy T-shirt, clipboard, pencil behind her ear] open the door to find Quinn standing there wearing a seirafuku and a hopeful expression.

Biers. Someone has set it on fire; Lynn and Daria are wielding fire extinguishers that were probably new in 1931 [they contain water and you have to hand-pump them], trying to control the worst of the flames.

Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Writing underneath in the Daria font reads, "Daria in...")

SECRETS AND LIES

A Daria Fan Fiction - TLAS 4:08

(Scene: DeMartino's room. Music: "It's Too Cold" - Moxy Früvous. Daria and Lynn sit side-by-side in the front row, with Jodie between Daria and the door. AP sitting behind Lynn. DeMartino writing something on the board.)

DeMartino: To CONTINUE our unit on the role of CORRUPTION on the US government...

Lynn: (sotto to Daria) I thought *I* was supposed to be the bad influence.

(Daria just smirks. ¹)

DeMartino: ... now OPEN your books - IF you FEEBLE excuses for STUDENTS even know HOW - to page 412 ... the PROHIBITION era and the rise of the Sicilian MAFIA families.

Daria and Lynn: (In unison) eep...2


(Scene: LHS corridor. Music plays on. Daria and Lynn trudging down the hall in a shell-shocked sort of way. AP walking backwards in front of them, looking concerned.)

AP: (speed-rant) Hey, look, it's not a big deal! I mean, it's not like you'll get written INTO the stupid book. (beat) And hey, Purple Peril, your dad must've told you all ABOUT that stuff - easy A here! And you can help me out. (beat) Your eyes'll dry out if you don't blink, y'know. (beat) GUYS! Would you just ... (trips over a garbage can, falls over) ACK!3

(Daria and Lynn walk on, seeming oblivious. Jodie approaches with Mack, who helps AP up.)

Mack: You okay?

Jodie: Are THEY okay? They look...

AP: (cutting in) Me? Nothing hurt but my pride. They... (stops himself) ...they've been through a hard time lately. Uh ... you know ... all that stuff in spring and... (bell rings; AP looks very relieved) Gottagobye!

(AP takes off at an ungainly but fairly fast trot. Jodie and Mack share a look.)


(Scene: O'Neill's classroom. Music plays on. Daria and Lynn again in front; Jodie behind them. O'Neill in usual rapturous form.)

O'Neill: Now class, who can name me one of the most common themes in Shakespeare's works? Kevin?

Kevin: Uh... long funny words?

O'Neill: An ... interesting perspective ... but not what I'm after. Lynn?

Lynn: Life weird - usually in the sucky way - and the only way to cope is murder, suicide or denial of self.

(For a moment, all is silent as something in Lynn's tone hits the worry button on everyone in the room. Daria looks sharply at Lynn. O'Neill stares at her, lower lip atremble.)

O'Neill: (shaky) Well ... yes ... I suppose y-you COULD say... (desperate hopeful grin) Anyone else? Dar- (stops) Jodie?

Jodie: (looking at Daria and Lynn) Family.

(Daria and Lynn exchange a look - "Oh, God, not this again...")

O'Neill: ("Thank GOODNESS") Exactly! So I thought a GREAT way to make a start on our unit on Henry V could be for you all to burrow down into the roots of your family trees!

(Daria and Lynn go very still and pale)

Daria: (deadpan) If we dig deep enough, will our family tree die?

Lynn: (same) If not, there's pesticides. (beat) Or groundfire.4

(Jodie's now looking at them in an assessing way.)


(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music: "In My Ear" - Toad the Wet Sprocket. Daria and Lynn side by side, picking at their umfood; every move they make unconsciously synchronized. Jane and AP are watching them, amusement warring with concern.)

Jane: Yo... guys?

Daria and Lynn: (in unison) Mmm?

(Jane chuckles; AP doesn't. Daria and Lynn, still moving in synchro, each raise a fork laden with what could conceivably be mistaken for mashed potato. They blink at their forkfuls. They put their forkfuls down. Then they sigh in unison.)

AP: Hey ho, Twisted Pair!5

Daria and Lynn: (in unison) Get stuffed, Techno-Weasel.6

AP: (blithe grin) Beats the Bobbsey Twins. (to the looks) Eee?

(They finally realise what they've been doing, look at each other and blink loudly.)

Daria: Did we just...?

Lynn: And then with the ... ?

Daria and Lynn: (in unison) Oh CHRIST.7

Jane: Now that you're back among the living, mind telling us what's bugging you so bad?

(Enter Tom, looking dejected. He sits next to AP, obviously not thinking. AP shoves himself along the bench to get away and actually shoves Jane off and onto the floor. Jane scowls as she gets up and moves to sit by Daria.)

Lynn: Problem?

Tom: Did O'Neill assign... ?

Daria: Family trees.

Lynn: He stopped us after class - said what a great opportunity it would be for us to explore our common heritage...

Daria: ... So for us, it's a group project. Focus on the paternal limb of our family tree.

(Tom winces at the way Daria spits the word 'paternal'. Silence for a moment.)

Tom: Look, this is no bed of roses for me either. The Sloanes have been tied to the Smythe family business for a long time.

Daria: But YOU can at least pull an Operation Faeces Tauri with the Sloane background.

Lynn: Indeed. Number One's the only Sloane who served as more than a legit. (bitter) Before YOU.

Tom/AP: (overlapping) Operation WHAT? / "Number One"?

(Tom and AP look at each other and then shift as far away from each other as possible.)

Lynn: Adam Sloane - ST:TNG refcrime.8

AP: (gets it) Ohyeah. I guess I can see that.

Daria: And as for Operation Faeces Tauri...9

Lynn: If you have to ask, you'll never know. (to Tom's hangdog/left out look) Another time. (snide) You have to learn SOMETIME.

Tom: How long are you guys going to twist the knife?

AP: I could give you the degrees of rotation if you want ... how much is 360 times infinity?

(Tom looks at him bitterly, at which point AP gives an acid grin. Pan to Jodie, who's watching the quintet intensely)

Mack: (sitting across from her) Jodie? (waving a hand in front of her face) Earth to Jodie...

Jodie: (blinking) Oh, sorry. You were saying?

(Mack raises an eyebrow but is mollifed by Jodie's cheerfully sheepish grin, which turns into a thoughtful frown as soon as Mack looks away.)


(Scene: Lawndale street. Daria walking, mind miles away. Jodie catches up to her and walks beside her in silence for a moment.)

Jodie: (wannabe casual) Daria... are you okay?

Daria: (distant) Yeah, I'm fine, I... (thud back to earth) This isn't your way home.

Jodie: Daria, I want to know what's going on. Ever since we got back to school, you guys have been so...

Daria: We had a long, strange trip. That's all you need to know.

Jodie: That's bull. Things STAYED strange when Angier Sloane's son came to school.

Daria: (blink) You know the Sloanes?

Jodie: Dad works closely with Grace, Sloane, and Page.10 And his son Thomas got yanked out of a very good prep school and sent to LAWNDALE HIGH, which, until just recently, was more prided for its football scores than for its SAT scores.

Daria: Jodie...

Jodie: (too caught up in rant to listen) And Lynn pulled that Brittany and AP had that grade-dip and everything Jane's painted in class is jagged edges and blood red. And when that happens at the same time as you start hanging out with H...

(Jodie stops abruptly and goes pale as Daria facefaults at her, staring with growing horror.)

Daria: You KNEW?11

Jodie: (madly backtracking) Know WHAT? I mean Tom - H is sort of a ... family nic...

Daria: "FAMILY" nickname, yes. You knew about this.

(Jodie takes one look at Daria and decides to cut the bullshit before dire things come to pass.)

Jodie: (sigh) Yeah. Yeah, I knew.

(Fade from Jodie's terrifed, resigned face look on the street to..)

END ACT 1 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: moving S4 bumpers - AP falling over the trash can, Jane being pushed off onto the floor, Jodie stopping as Daria facefaults at her.]

Taco Bell: So I missed the Hispanic-accented Chihuahua. Fine. What I got instead was utter sacrilege - Queen's "We Will Rock You" MUTILATED by morons with tacos. Glad I wasn't in London - Freddie Mercury spinning in his grave must have caused some tremors... What is WRONG with the advertising in this country?

McDonalds: Who - tell me, WHO - goes to McDONALDS after their senior prom or whatever? I'll tell you who - people who are broke, cheap or drunk out of their minds. Having people who look like they fit none of these categories stuffing Big Macs down their gullets while dressed in formalwear is blatant misrepresentation. And 'We love to see you smile' - who the hell are they kidding?

ACT 2
(Scene: Lynn's room. Music: "Didn't They?" - Erin McKeown. Jodie, same look only stronger, sits in Lynn's desk chair, which is flush against the wardrobe. Sitting in a jury-like row on the bed, staring at her, are Daria, Jane, Lynn, and AP.)

Lynn: Why didn't you ever tell us?

Jodie: I didn't know you were involved until the day before Ms. Li attacked you.12

AP: The day BEFORE? You couldn't have WARNED us? I mean, Lynn nearly ... I mean, I... I mean, DAMN, GPA Girl.

Jodie: I didn't know enough and there wasn't enough time. The only reason we found out was because Angier... (to the looks) ... okay, Remora ... took the call over dinner at our house.

Daria: They called REMORA?

Jodie: It was hard to understand; he said a rat was finding a new bite in the land of cheese.

Lynn: He was in Wisconsin scouting new talent. Something of a protegée in the explosives department. Go on.

Jodie: Warlock wanted Angier to call someone called Lehrer, but Angier talked him out of it at first - something about not calling in favours JUST yet. Warlock tried to argue but his flight was called then so he...

Lynn: He came HERE?

Jodie: Something about hiring out a killer DJ at a New York venue...

Jane: Can no one connected to the Smythes make a decent pun?

Daria: There's no such thing as a decent pun.

Jodie: Dad talked about it a lot when you were in the hospital. Warlock didn't know Ms. Li still had access to all the school buildings so he had the school covered from 5 am on, not knowing she slept there that night.

(Silence - thoughtful, stressed, deep silence)

Lynn: (utterly no inflection) Go on.

Jodie: (blink) I... (senses this is a bad idea) That was the first time it was close to me. Until then all I knew was that Dad paid Angier and Angier made sure that he paid fewer taxes to help 'those damn welfare cheats'. And that it was because of a man called Smythe and his affiliates who I was never going to go NEAR.

Jane: And the codenames...

Jodie: Dad kept tabs - he wanted to make sure it wouldn't touch me. I was a kid; I was nosy.

Lynn: But when you knew... ?

Jodie: Dad told me to keep my mouth shut. I listened. (sigh) YOU know what I was like...13

Daria: (nearly sympathetic) Yeah. But now...?

Jodie: I got worried. Since senior year started, you four have been ... well, the most polite word I can use is 'shell-shocked'. What *happened* to you guys this summer?

(The quartet share a look. Lynn, going slightly pale, stands up.)

Lynn: I guess she needs to know. But I can't... (slight choke; she exits a little hurriedly.)14

AP: (alarmed) Purple PERIL?

(He gets up, goes two steps and trips over Jodie's chair. He stumbles, regains his balance and dashes after Lynn. Jodie looks at Daria and Jane, who both look worried, and gets a determined look on her face.)

Jodie: Spill it. (beat) NOW.

(Daria and Jane look at each other, then give vent to a resigned sigh.)

Daria: We found out about the Smythes. The hard way.


(Scene: Landon study [we see it in IIFY?]. Music: "Dead Battery" - Pitchshifter. Andrew is at the computer; Michelle is sitting in an armchair, reading the Wall Street Journal. Jodie barges into the room and slams the door behind her.)

Jodie: Why didn't you TELL me?!?

(Andrew and Michelle look up, stunned.)

Andrew: I won't be spoken to like that, young lady!

Jodie: SHUT UP! Why didn't you TELL me that my friends spent their summer doing work for a Mafia family and running for their lives? And all because of Angier Sloane's ultimate boss?

Andrew: (stopping short for a second; 'can I talk my way out of this?') I ... don't know what you're...

Jodie: Cut the crap, Dad. Daria and Jane told me *everything*.

Andrew: (ohshit) Jodie...

Jodie: I can't believe you didn't tell me! They're my *friends*; they nearly DIED out there!

Andrew: Better them than you!

Jodie: What is WITH you? What is your problem with them?

Andrew: They're associated with CRIMINALS! Personally, I wasn't surprised in the LEAST when that Cullen girl turned out to be the same one with the roller hockey...15

Jodie: (blink) That was *her*? (beat) I don't BELIEVE you REMEMBER that!

Michelle: Neither do I.

Andrew: Don't you see the DANGER here? Even if the Smythes weren't being targeted by the most psychotic Caucasoid Mafia Family out there, your life would be in danger. And there's what hanging around with a criminal family would do to your political chances...

Jodie: Who says I'm going for the political career you want me to have? Remember, I SAID...

Michelle: (overriding Jodie) Andrew, get a grip on yourself. You *know* she's smart enough to get along in the financial world. With the Sloane connections, she could go a very long way. Don't YOU see the ADVANTAGES here?

Jodie: But I don't...

Andrew: (to Michelle, now ignoring Jodie completely) She's my DAUGHTER! I've been bending over backwards trying to keep her safe! She CAN'T run around associating with criminals in that way!

Jodie: But ... but ... YOU got involved with the Smythes!

Michelle: Exactly - not that you use that involvement to your advantage...

Andrew: I'm not INVOLVED with them! I'm just USING them to keep my money out of the hands of those...

Jodie: (bitter) Welfare cheats, I know. (a pause as she collects herself) They're my FRIENDS. I OWE them. You should have told me. I could have helped!

Andrew: How?

Jodie: TALKED to them; SOMETHING! Lynn couldn't even be in the ROOM when it got discussed! They went through HELL and have been keeping it to themselves for...

Andrew: (livid) Now you listen to me. You are NOT going to spend more time with those ... those CRIMINALS than you have to! They'll lead you into nothing but trouble! Why do you think I've kept you away from Tom and Elsie Sloane at every function we've been to?

Jodie: But...

Michelle: Andrew, I don't particularly like those kids either. Not the Sloane kids and not those others. They're a bad influence on Jodie and of course they're bound to turn out like that Warlock character or worse. But at the very least she can use those connections to go farther than you EVER did. Have you no ambition?

Andrew: It's not a question of ambition! There are lines!

Michelle: Funny to hear YOU say that, Mr Welfare Cheats...

(As they continue their arguing, Jodie just steps out of the room.)

Andrew: Now look, that's not...

(We hear a door slam and cut to black.)


END ACT 2 - ADVERTS [Lead-in: moving S4 bumpers - the Flack-Jacket Mafia in their jury-like row, Jodie slamming the study door behind her, Andrew and Michelle arguing as Jodie leaves the room.]

Next in the Look-Alike Series: The course of true love never runs smooth; see just how rough, surprising or just plain weird that course can get for some in "A Dated Concept".

ACT 3
(Scene: Jodie's room [use your imagination, people, that's what it's there for]. Music: "Secrets and Lies" - Jonatha Brooke. Jodie is lying on her bed, facedown with her face buried in a pillow.)

Jodie: (muffled) It just keeps getting worse. And these things always happen in ... (phone starts ringing; she lifts her head) ...threes. (She flumps her head back into the pillow for a moment. Phone keeps ringing so she rolls over, sits up, grabs the phone and puts it to her ear.) Hello?

(Split screen between Jodie and Mack.)

Mack: (waaaaaaaaaaaaay too cheerful) HI!

Jodie: (stifled sigh) Hi, Mack.

Mack: Are you busy tomorrow night? Dad got tickets to that Reduced Shakespeare Company thing that's coming through Lawndale as part of that bid to get people more interested in classic theatre. I guess they figure the only way 21st Century America can deal with Shakespeare is in sound bytes.16 I thought we could grab an early dinner at...

Jodie: (cutting in, more sharply than usual) Mack, thanks, but I don't think I'll be in the mood tomorrow. Sorry.

Mack: (confused) But, Jodie...

Jodie: (losing what little calm she was able to feign) Seriously, Mack, I appreciate the effort, but...

Mack: Jodie, I just want to make up for lost time! I mean, it's only this year that you and I got to spend any time together and we're both going to college next year so I thought while we could...

Jodie: (that's it; she's gone) Look, Mack, this is NOT the time! I mean, today's been bad enough without you PRESSURING me!

Mack: I...

Jodie: (oblivious, lost in very necessary rant) First I find out that the Flack-Jacket Mafia are ... well, ARE the Mafia and spent their summer running errands for their Family and trying not to get themselves killed. THEN I find out that while my dad, who's been involved with THEIR SAME FAMILY for YEARS, doesn't WANT me involved in any of it, my MOTHER thinks I should get MORE involved and use the financial edge it would give me and NOW I have to deal with you pushing me for... (thinking about the situation makes her realise just what she's saying and her eyes go wide) ...uh...

(The kind of terrible, ghastly silence you only get on a telephone.)

Mack: ("I know I heard that but I want to remain blissfully ignorant for as long as possible.") Mafia?

Jodie: ...uhhhh...

Mack: (concerned) JODIE...?

Jodie: (sigh) Yeah. Mafia. You know how Daria and Lynn have the same dad? (beat; Mack nods, forgetting he can't be seen, but Jodie's known him long enough to guess) Well, their dad's a Don for a Mafia Family. One MY Dad's been involved with for awhile.

Mack: Why didn't you tell me?

Jodie: You didn't need to know. It didn't really touch me until the day before Ms Li... (realises that this is a bad idea and shuts up)

Mack: (following through, utter shock) You ... knew about that BEFORE it happened?

Jodie: Only JUST! If it'd have done any good, don't you think...?

Mack: (thinking it through on his own) You ... you were one of the only people who spoke up AGAINST the rumours that it was a gangland hit! And YOU were the one who pushed the idea of asking Daria and Jane and AP what happened!17 How could you lie to me like that?

Jodie: It was to keep you SAFE! I...

Mack: And who's going to keep YOU safe?

Jodie: It would take a lot more than you, Mack! It's bad enough *I* know! Now that I've told YOU...

Mack: (sarcasm) What, someone'll fit me for cement shoes?

Jodie: No, but they might do that to ME.

Mack: (desperate fear) Eeeeeeep.

Jodie: Mack, I...

Mack: (back on track) But Jodie, you're my girlfriend. It's my JOB to try to keep you safe!

(brief silence as Jodie stares incredulously at the phone)

Jodie: So are you planning to bash me over the head with a club and drag me to your cave by the hair after graduation?

Mack: That's not fair, Jodie! You said that Daria and her friends' lives were in danger and that means you.

Jodie: AND you! Mack, I... (sigh) Can't you see it's safer for you to be kept out of this?

Mack: Fine. I'll stay out.

(With that, he hangs up. Single screen to Jodie, who looks at the phone for a moment, stunned disbelief changing to stunned sadness and remorse. Then she sighs and dials, waiting for pickup.)

Jodie: It's Jodie. I need to talk to all of you. About ... Family stuff. (beat) Sorry; meet you WHERE?


(Scene: Biers.18 Music plays on. Jodie is sitting in a remorseful little heap on a chair in a corner. Daria and Jane flank her, looking worried and sympathetic in equal measure. AP is watching a pensive Lynn watch Tom, who is pacing a circle around the pool table, very pale.)

Tom: So now Mack McKenzie knows. Who next - that perverted red-haired freak?

Lynn: Rust, Upchuck is the LAST person who's going to get involved with this. I mean, who wants to get close enough to TELL him? The question is... (as Tom nears her on his circuit of the pool table, she sticks a leg out to block his progress) ...what do we do about who DOES know?

Tom: (scowling at Lynn's leg) To be perfectly honest, standard procedure is to recruit him, buy him or... (steps over Lynn's leg, resumes pacing)

Daria: (looking up; very severe) OR...?

Tom: Well, we're a MAFIA FAMILY! We...

Jodie: (looking at Tom with real viciousness in her eyes) You hurt him, I hurt YOU.

Lynn: (deadpan and therefore all the more frightening) And don't think she'd be alone. (beat) So he knows. Fine. He ALSO knows spilling things would get Jodie in all kinds of trouble. Does he want that?

Jodie: (putting her face in her arms, dejected) I don't see why he wouldn't. I mean, he's never hung up on me before.

AP: Uh ... I'm kinda clueless at junk like this, but I think guys sometimes get real stupid when they COULDA maybe helped someone they care about but didn't cos they didn't KNOW about it. (sheepish shrug) We come around.19

(Lynn gives him a wry smile, which AP answers with a sheepish grin. Tom completes another circuit, trying to pass Lynn, and she stands up and physically shoves him into her vacant chair. AP bounces up like he was on a spring.)

Lynn: (scowling at Tom, who looks taken aback) Stop that; it's silly. And you're making me dizzy.

AP: Anyway, wrong kinda pool for laps.

(Jodie doesn't even look up. Jane and Lynn make a noise best transcribed as *snrkl* and Daria smiles a little.)

Tom: (not amused) VERY funny.

AP: Oh, stuff a sock in it, you...

Daria: (interjecting) Guys, remember, Jodie?

Jane: (to Jodie) Mack's a good guy; he'll come around.

Jodie: You think?

Daria: Someone who's put up with Kevin for as long as Mack has without hitting him has the patience of a saint. Once he gets over the shock...

Tom: He'll come back. Seriously. (in Jane's general direction; remorseful) It might be a good idea not to push him away when he does.20

(Jane raises an eyebrow at Tom, who looks at his feet.)


(Scene: Lawndale street. Music: "My Song" - Jerry Cantrell ['She won't tell me lies/She want to see me smile...'] Mack walking on his own; he looks totally lost in thought; angry but only on the surface to hide how worried he is. After awhile, he looks up to find that his feet have carried him to Jodie's house. He steps over to the front door and rings the bell. After a second, Rachel opens it.21)

Rachel: Hi Mack!

Mack: (dejected) Hi, Rachel. Is Jodie home?

Rachel: (minor concern) No; she had another argument with Mom and Dad and then went out.

Mack: (even more dejected) Oh. Okay, thanks. (turns to go)

Rachel: You want me to give her a message or something?

Mack: (stopping but not turning around) No, thanks, Rachel. She'll call if she wants to.

(He walks away with Rachel looking after him.)

Michelle: (OS) Rachel, who's at the door?

(We don't hear Rachel's reply; she shuts the door. ['By the time I had lost my soul/You had to go/She come, in disguise/I want to say goodbye...'])


(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Jodie sitting alone at a table, picking at her lunch. Mack walks past, carrying a tray. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP can be seen sharing a table in the background, watching the proceedings with concerned interest ... but Mack moves on, sitting with Kevin, the crew-cut guy identified as Jack Paterson ["Banded for Life"], Joey, Jeffy, Jamie and Robert [random representatives of the Lions football team, in other words]. Jodie looks up and sighs. Cut to Daria's table; its occupants look at each other, then pick up their trays and move to Jodie's table by unspoken agreement. They stand there a moment; Jodie looks up at them blankly.)

Lynn: Unless you don't want to be seen with the criminal element...

Jodie: (gesturing; rueful) Like I have a choice.

Lynn: (small smirk) Yeah, that's about what I said.

(cut to the football players' table.)

Jamie: Why aren't you sitting with her?

Kevin: C'mon, Mack Daddy, we're your friends! You can tell us!

Mack: No, I can't. (beat) AND DON'T *CALL* ME THAT!22

(With that, he gets up and storms out, leaving his food behind. Cut to the inside of the cafeteria, where half the occupants are staring at the door, probably unable to believe that Mack stormed out of *anywhere*. There is silence for a moment, but it is broken by...)

Jodie: Oh crap. (*thunk* as she drops her head on the table.)

(Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP share a "We're going to have to do something about this" look over Jodie's head. Fade to black.)

A NOTE OF THANKS

To Chad Page, who helped me come up with this plotline while we watched "IIFY?" [had a great time, by the way, Chad - thanks for the hospitality]. More credit than usual to Ben, for the "we're not worthy" thing, the copytyping above and beyond, the hospitality, help and support in late December, and just generally being a damn good friend. To Jill, for the background music, the fanart and the friendship. To Wind_Lane, who helped me refine the Mack-related portions of this. And to StarKat who, as well as being the best 'significant other' a girl could have, helped make the face-to-face ficwork sessions with my co-author possible.

ENDNOTES

1] Daria's project in "World Geek Show" focused on the corruption and evil upon which America was built. [Back]

2] If you don't realise why this would upset the gang, you haven't read "Tour of Duty". Turn back *now* before it's too late. [Back]

3] As first noted in "A Hard Day's Write", AP is ... well, a klutz. [Back]

4] The reason I know about groundfire [where the roots of a tree catch fire] is because I used to go to summer camp; one of the things I learned was how to build a fire bowl so that you didn't cause groundfire. [Back]

5] Twisted Pair - the guts of Cat-5 networking cable. *shrug* It's Ben's line and is *very* AP and Ben wants to send you to this link so you don't bug *him* for a better definition. [Back]

6] This has been one of the terms for AP since the Mystik Spiral song "Death to the Techno-Weasels" [Rue Britannia] [Back]

7] The Look-Alikes also talk alike, act alike and think alike on a few too many occasions for their likings. Read ... well, most of S1 for details. [Back]

8] Jerome calls Adam Sloane, his Consigliori and second in command, 'Number One' - in the manner of Jean-Luc Picard addressing Riker. Hence the ST:TNG refcrime. As noted in a couple of places ["Quinn-tessence", I believe, is our first hint], AP and Lynn are Trekkies. [Back]

9] Reread "Poetic Injustice" if you don't get that. Then again, if you don't remember that you're probably not a fan and the fact that you've got this far means you probably are one. So one useless endnote. [Back]

10] Okay, detail borrowed from "IIFY?". So sue me. [Back]

11] Tom's codename among all members of the Family is "Missing H" or just "H" for short. So that's going to twig Daria to the fact that Jodie knows about the Family. [Back]

12] "Liaisons" - where this all began. Ms Li's attack on the Flack-Jackets that got AP shot in the arm and put Lynn in hospital, which turned out to be a Merritt Family revenge against Jerome, Daria and Lynn's father. *shrug* Like I say, read the fics and you'll get it. [Back]

13] Prior to "Grating Expectations", the best word to describe Jodie was 'doormat'. Apart from the one time in "Gifted", she never stood up for herself, and we see this trent continued in "The F Word", in her reaction to her parents' totally ignoring her request for a summer off. [Back]

14] She has discussed this, actually - in "Fifth Wheel". But I don't think she went into a whole lot of detail over the matter - hell, she was still standing at the end of the night. [Back]

15] There's a Growing Cynical chapter called 'A Sporting Mischance' in which we see a young Jodie and her parents watching AP and Lynn ... well, play roller hockey in their own inimitable fashion. [Back]

16] The Reduced Shakespeare Company is a British institution. Three actors perform *all* of Shakespeare's plays in about three hours. Suffice it to say, it's something to see. And yes, this view of Americans in general is fairly common among the Brits. [Back]

17] In "To Kill A Misery Chick", Mack and Jodie approach Daria, Jane and AP after the attack, ostentibly sorting rumour from fact. But it could well have been Jodie trying to sort out what her friends actually knew of the danger they were in. [Back]

18] It's no surprise that Jodie would have that reaction to being told about Biers, the Pratchett-named meeting-place for Smythe affiliates and other less-than-legitimate types in Lawndale [it's probably on Dega Street if not somewhere worse]. It's not *supposed* to be well-known; that's the point. [Back]

19] "Love's Labour": AP came very close to turning his back on Lynn entirely upon her unnanounced departure. From his reaction to their first conversation on her return, Lynn can probably guess *how* close. [Back]

20] Since we came in after season 3, Tom had entered Jane's life by the time TLAS started. But I hadn't read the transcripts for canon S3 until I was partway through writing "Grating Expectations" and since I'd already used a ref for "Through a Lens Darkly", I just wrote Jane being livid with Tom for some unknown reason in "Lady and the Tank". This ambiguity was too good to pass up so I wrote Tom into TLAS in "None of Your Affair", though he technically turned up first in "Sister, Sister", albeit without a name. It's there that we find out the meaning of this statement ... this endnote's long enough so just reread the fic, 'kay? [Back]

21] Rachel - identified as Jodie's little sister and middle child of the Landon family in "The Daria Database". Probably answering the door because Michelle and Andrew are still arguing. [Back]

22] I'm not even going to count the number of times Mack makes this request on the show. Often enough, anyway. [Back]

LEGAL BLATHER

Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently, this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn and Kate Cullen, Lorna Smythe and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. Cameo characters used with permission. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.

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