(Scene: O’Neill’s classroom. We hear O’Neill’s voice in the background. Lynn is reading "Best Served Cold – The Ultimate Revenge Tactics For Any Occasion". Daria is reading "Misery" by Stephen King. AP is looking at Daria nervously. Finally, he scrawls something on a sheet of paper and slips it onto Daria’s desk. Daria looks at the paper, then unfolds it. In AP’s handwriting – think 6-year-old with poor motor control on turbulence-ridden plane flight – we read the words, "Date-thing? Friday? 6:30?" Daria looks at the paper, then looks at Lynn. Lynn, without looking up, shrugs and nods. Daria scribbles on the paper and hands it back to AP. He unfolds it. It says, "OK." AP looks at it for a moment, then breaks into a huge grin.)

AP: WHOO-HOO!

(Daria blushes and hides behind her book. Lynn smirks.)


(Scene: Jane’s room. Jane is looking at Daria, who is lying on Jane’s bed in her "something eating at my soul" pose.)

Jane: So he asked you out.

Daria: Yes.

Jane: And he disrupted the class with much joyous shouting over you saying yes.

Daria: Correct.

Jane: And now you’re nervous.

Daria: Indeed.

Jane: What ABOUT?

Daria: (sigh) Clothes.

Jane: And yet you share a house with an ex-Fashion Club member.

Daria: (embarrassed) Oh, yeah.


(Scene: Lynn’s room. Lynn is on her computer, not looking at AP, who is sprawled across Lynn’s bed on his stomach, looking stressed.)

Lynn: So you asked her out.

AP: Yep.

Lynn: And she said yes.

AP: That’s right.

Lynn: So you should be happy.

AP: Right again.

Lynn: But you’re not.

AP: Uh-huh…

Lynn: What’s wrong?

AP: Mom won’t let me have the car. She said something about seeing me in hell before seeing me behind the wheel of her baby.

Lynn: She drives a Ford Escort².

AP: Try telling HER that. She treats that hunk of junk as well as you treat … (idea forms) Hey…

Lynn: Oh, no. No way. I am NOT letting you borrow the Mercedes!

AP: But why NOT? I mean …

Lynn: Remember when you were twelve? And your mom bought you that mountain bike?

(Flashback sequence. A younger AP in a Sex Pistols T-shirt is showing off a black mountain bike to a younger Lynn, who’s wearing jeans and a purple T-shirt.)

AP: Watch me take that hill!

(AP gets on the bike and pedals out of shot. Lynn watches with concern. Then she winces and covers her eyes.)

Lynn: Watch out for the Gundersons’ fence…

(We hear a crash.)

AP: (OS) Ow…

(Back to present.)

Lynn: You did that three times that year. The fence, the Myers’ garage door, and the wall of the school. Then your mother refused to buy you another bike. And you wonder why no one lets you drive their car? (beat) Why not just stay in Lawndale?

AP: It’s our first real date and I want it to be special! Please?

Lynn: Sorry to sound hard-hearted, but when it comes to the Merc, I am adamant. No way in hell.


(Scene: Quinn’s room. Quinn is digging through her closet, coming out with clothes.)

Quinn: Hmm … rose pink? Hot pink? Ah! Coral!

Daria: (OS) Hey … Quinn?

Quinn: Hey Daria, can’t talk, big date with Ted and…³

Daria: That’s sort of why I’m here. I…

(Daria trails off under Quinn’s scrutiny. After a moment, Quinn has figured out Daria’s question.)

Quinn: (stunned) DATE? (beat) One moment, please.

(Quinn goes to the phone and dials.)

Quinn: (into phone) Ted? Quinn. (beat) Hi, you! Um … sorry to do this to you but something’s come up and I’m not going to be able to see you until … (covers mouthpiece, turns to Daria) When are you meeting the boyfriend?

Daria: Friday at six-thirty, but…

Quinn: (back into phone) How about Friday at eight? (beat) Thanks for understanding, Ted. (beat) Yeah, great! (beat) You too. Bye. (hangs up) Right, now where to start?

Daria: Quinn, I only wanted a bit of advice. I don’t want to change my look too much and I didn’t want you to cancel dates with Ted for me.

Quinn: Daria, are you KIDDING? I’m NOT going to change your look too much!

Daria: But I thought…

Quinn: You’re a fashion mistake, true, but … I guess it’s a you thing. It’s like, I couldn’t wear the things that YOU wear just so people would think I’m smart…

Daria: No matter how hard you tried…⁴

Quinn: I’m getting on with my life, Daria. (beat) Anyway, so you can’t dress like me so that people will think you’re fashionable and popular.

Daria: Isn’t that usually ‘ATTRACTIVE and popular’?

Quinn: Um … well, it’s NOT that you’re not attractive. (beat) I mean, you’ve got GREAT hair.

Daria: Um …

Quinn: You could just DO something with it instead of letting it HANG there! Now, let’s get started. We’ve got a LOT of work to do.


(Montage sequence. Music: "Addicted To Love" – Robert Palmer)

A close-up of Quinn’s closet from the inside. Quinn shoves clothes aside, revealing her and a very nervous-looking Daria.

LHS corridor. Lynn opens her locker and a note falls out. She unfolds it and reads a single word in AP’s handwriting – "Please?" She takes out a pen, writes on the paper, and walks towards AP, who has been standing across the hall, waiting. She hands him the paper. He reads it – we can’t see what it says, but he winces in an "ouch, that’s cold" way.

Quinn’s room. Quinn holding up swatches of cloth in different colours to Daria’s face. She holds up green, nods appraisingly. She holds up pink, looks disgusted and throws it over her shoulder. She tries blue, seems to consider it, but puts it down. Daria looks bored – this has been going on awhile.

Outside LHS. Lynn walks up to the Merc and sees a sign tied to the back end – "LET AP BORROW ME, PLEASE!" Lynn tears the sign off, dumps it into the nearest trash can and then gets into the car. AP, hiding behind a tree, sighs.

Morgendorffer bathroom. Quinn is demonstrating how to use an eyeliner pencil. Daria tries but, because she can’t see all that well, accidentally pokes herself in the eye. Quinn sighs and hands her a bit of tissue. When Daria has used it, she throws it into the wastepaper basket, which is overflowing with the results of several other attempts.

Lynn’s room. Lynn online. She picks up the phone, listens, rolls her eyes. Then she opens a desk drawer, grabs an air horn, and sounds it off into the mouthpiece. Then she smirks and hangs up.

Morgendorffer bathroom. Daria is sitting on the edge of the bathtub in her maroon bathrobe with curlers in her hair, looking disgusted with herself. Quinn is holding Daria’s wrist and testing different shades of lipstick on the back of her hand, which now looks a little like a slasher has been at it.

LHS corridor. Lynn opens her locker and finds another note – this one says, "I Know What You Did Last Summer!" Lynn raises an eyebrow, scribbles on the paper, and then walks up to AP, who is standing across the hall. She pins him to the lockers, forces his mouth open, and stuffs the note in. Then she walks away. AP spits out the note, reads it. In Lynn’s looping script, it says, "If I’m going down for that, I’m taking you with me." AP considers this, goes a little pale and puts the note back in his mouth. He chews and then swallows.⁵

End montage.)


(Scene: Lynn’s room. Lynn is online. AP climbs in through her window.)

AP: Hey, Purple Peril.

Lynn: Okay … spare me the suspense. What’s the latest tactic to get me to hand over the keys to my prized possession?

AP: Um … guilt-trip? I pick Daria up in an hour, you know.

Lynn: (sigh) Is there NO other way you could get transport to parts less boring?

AP: Um … the bus.

Lynn: (sigh) I swear to you, AP, if you wreck the Merc, I WILL have to do unspeakable things to you.

AP: Promise! I promise! Does that mean you’re caving?

Lynn: Like a wet cardboard box. (digs in jacket pocket, comes up with keys, throws them at AP) Just … treat her better than you do mountain bikes, okay?

AP: (tossing the keys in the air and catching them) You are a…

Lynn: Don’t bother. Get out of here.


(Scene: Quinn’s room. Music: "Garden" by Pearl Jam. Quinn is peering out the window but we don’t see Daria … yet [suspenseful or WHAT?]. We hear a car pull up.)

Quinn: Silver Mercedes convertible! An SLK, I think! Wow, Daria, is THAT what your boyfriend drives?

Daria: (OS) No, that’s what his best friend drives. I wonder what it took to get her to lend it to him.

Quinn: Well, he’s got style, anyway. And I’m so glad I didn’t decide on grey. You’d sort of fade into the leather on the seats.

Daria: (OS) How do you know about cars, anyway? I thought that sort of thing would be beneath you.

Quinn: When you used to have a car rating system for dates, you pick up stuff.⁶ (beat) Now let ME get the door. You want to make an entrance, right?

Daria: (OS) I don’t want to play games here, Quinn.

Quinn: It’s not a GAME, Daria. It’s DRAMA!

Daria: (OS) And coming from the Drama Queen herself, I suppose I should accept that.

(Quinn smirks good-naturedly and leaves the room just as the doorbell rings.)


(Scene: Morgendorffer front door. Music plays on. Quinn opens it to see AP standing there, holding an inflatable palm tree⁷.)

Quinn: (very fast) HI! You must be Daria’s date. She’ll be ready in a minute. I’m Quinn. God, what are you WEARING? Why couldn’t you have brushed your hair? And what’s THAT?

AP: What passes for flowers in the AP philosophy. It doesn’t wilt, need water, or die.

Quinn: I … GUESS … that’s supposed to be some romantic gesture, right?

AP: Best I could do on short notice.

Quinn: Well, just be glad that Mom and Dad aren’t home yet. Mom would interrogate you like some kind of … witless thing like in her courtroom and Dad would try to (shudder) BOND with you. Just a sec. (yells upstairs) DARIA! YOUR DATE’S HERE! (to AP) And what kind of name is AP? It makes you sound like a … a supermarket or something!

AP: And I’m fresh out of melons. Damn.

Quinn: Ooh! Even when Daria’s doing something NORMAL she’s weird! (yells upstairs) DARIA! YOUR DATE!


(Scene: Morgendorffer bathroom. Music plays on. We see only Daria’s face as she looks at herself in the mirror. Her hair is clipped back with a wide green barrette.)

Daria: Oh, God…


(Scene: Morgendorffer front hall. Music plays on. We hear booted footsteps on the stairs. Quinn and AP look towards the stairs as the camera pans towards them. Daria is wearing her boots under a pair of black jeans that are cut rather like Quinn’s blue ones. She wears a dark green satin blouse tied up under her breasts, leaving her midriff bare. She looks like a more mature version of Quinn. Her hair is caught back but she has not given up her glasses.)

AP: (wide-eyed) Nrgh!

Daria: (panicked) What?

Quinn: (smug) Don’t WORRY, Daria! ‘Nrgh’ is a GOOD thing!

Daria: (sigh) So people keep telling me.⁸

Quinn: You two kids have fun, now! (to Daria, hiss) Now get him OUT of here so I can prepare for my OWN date!

Daria: Later, Quinn. (turns to AP, who is still staring) Come on.

AP: I…

(Daria grabs him by the arm and drags him out the door. Quinn looks after them with a smirk.)

(Commercial lead-in – AP yelling with joy at Daria’s acceptance of his date.)

(And welcome back to the worst television adverts the UK has to offer.

Tango adverts: we used to have this ad campaign where some man would be sipping a can of this orange soft drink and suddenly an orange-bearded Viking would barge in and start slapping him in the face with an orange rubber fish. Um … doesn’t that mean that, if you don’t want to be accosted by mad people wielding rubber piscine things at you, you shouldn’t drink Tango? Anti-advertising, next on…

Twix: grey man with Norm sewn onto his hat walks up to teenagers having fun and tells them off. Teenagers bite into Twix bar and Norm either shrinks, has bits blown off him or falls through holes in the floor. "A break from the norm," is the tag line. I don’t WANT to be responsible for killing poor hapless grey neurotic men…

And that’s a wrap for now.)

ACT 2
(Montage sequence. Music: "Cinnamon Girl" by Type O Negative.

AP and Daria in the Merc, driving along. AP shoots Daria sidelong glances but does keep his eyes on the road for the most part. Daria stares out the window, obviously trying to avoid eye contact.

AP and Daria in a video arcade. They are playing some beat-em-up game. AP isn’t paying attention to the game – he’s looking more at Daria – and Daria wins the game. He bows to her. She blushes and looks away.

AP and Daria eating pizza. Daria gets a blob of pizza sauce on her chin and AP sheepishly wipes it away with a napkin. Daria blushes and looks down at her pizza. We cut to a close-up of their hands, near to each other on the table. AP’s hand covers Daria’s. Daria looks surprised, and then she smiles her Mona Lisa smile. AP grins and blushes.

Cut to parking lot. End montage as Daria and AP approach the Merc. After a moment’s thought, AP hands Daria the keys.)

AP: Why don’t you drive it home?

Daria: Lynn’s Mercedes? Oh, AP, I don’t know. I…

AP: Come on, she won’t mind. It’s ME she doesn’t trust. And I bet you’re a great driver.

Daria: (nervous) Um … well…⁹

AP: And don’t tell me you don’t want to drive the Merc! I can see it in your eyes.

Daria: (tempted) Well…


(Fast cut to AP’s startled face as we hear a squealing of tires. We are now in the Merc. Music: "Bad Habit" by Offspring)

AP: Um, Daria? Aren’t we going a little fast?

Daria: (panicked) If I don’t go this fast, people try to pull in front of me and I’m scared of them hitting me…

AP: Daria, relax, okay? No one’s going to…

(A bright yellow Volkswagen beetle passes the Merc and cuts in front of Daria, nearly hitting the front bumper. Daria makes an alarmed squeaking noise and swerves a little. AP covers his face with his hands.)

Daria: Can we pull over? I’d rather you be doing the driving here.

AP: You’re doing fine, Daria. If you quit now you’ll always be afraid of scenes like this. You give up now and you might never bring yourself to drive again.

(Daria sighs and clenches her hands tighter on the steering wheel. AP bites his lower lip.)


(Scene: the road. Music plays on. The little yellow convertible we recognise as belonging to Sandi roars along the road.)


(Scene: Sandi’s car. Music plays on. Sandi is scowling. Tiffany, in the passenger seat, looks a little scared but mostly blank.)

Sandi: It’s utterly POINTLESS, Tiffany.

Tiffany: But Sandi, we CAN’T have a Fashion Club with just US. I mean, like, who will we ADVISE?¹⁰

Sandi: There are NO decent candidates, TIFFANY. Not with Stacy cheerleading – wearing primary colours during daylight hours, ugh¹¹ – and Quinn dating that … NERD.

Tiffany: But…

(Sandi spots something ahead. She squints, then her eyes narrow with cruel joy.)

Sandi: And I bet it’s THEIR fault. Those GEEKS with the flood-victim look.


(Scene: the road. Music plays on. Sandi’s car accelerates and catches up to the Merc.)


(Scene: the Merc. Music plays on. Daria and AP look out the driver’s side window at the sound of a car horn. They see Sandi and Tiffany driving on the wrong side of the road, smirking at them.)

Sandi: Hey, want to drag?

AP: Sorry, I prefer men’s clothes.


(Scene: the road ahead. Music plays on. A large truck is driving along.)


(Scene: Daria’s car. Music plays on. Sandi is still driving on the wrong side of the road.)

AP: You’re nuts! Back off!

Daria: Will everyone please stop shouting? I can’t DRIVE if you’re all YELLING at me!

(The truck rounds a corner and honks. Tiffany’s eyes widen a little and she taps Sandi on the shoulder. Then she points straight ahead.)

Tiffany: Um…


(Scene: the road. Music plays on. Sandi’s car tries to cut in front of the Merc, and Daria is forced to drive off the road at speed. We hear a crunch – the Merc has hit a tree.)


(Scene: Sandi’s car. Tiffany is looking back over her shoulder with a slightly worried expression on her face. Sandi looks smug.)

Tiffany: Um … should we call someone?

Sandi: Why? (beat; angry) Are you suggesting that it was MY fault the loser ran into a tree?

Tiffany: Um … I mean, you could have.. (she catches the evil glare Sandi is giving her) Um … I guess not.

Sandi: I mean, SHE could have slowed down.

Tiffany: (hesitant) Yeah … I guess.


(Scene: the roadside. Daria and AP stagger out of the car. We can’t see the front end of it yet. AP runs around the car to Daria’s side.)

AP: You okay?

Daria: Yeah. Maybe I shouldn’t be so bitter about airbags ending more lives than they save.

AP: Man, if we’d been in a lesser car…

Daria: (realisation) Oh, God, the car…

(They reluctantly step forward to assess the damage. The windshield is smashed and the entire front end is dented badly. Looking at the hood of the car, you can just about see how totalled the engine must be.)

Daria: She is going to kill me.

AP: Nope. She gave ME the keys. She is going to kill ME.

Daria: I can’t let you take the blame for this…

AP: Who gave you the keys?

Daria: Who got panicked and ran off the road?

AP: Daria…

Daria: NO. (beat; sigh) She is going to kill US.

AP: Okay, I’ve got to give you that one…

Daria: We need to get this thing to a mechanic. (beat) Maybe it’s not that bad.

AP: (sarcastic) Just like Chernobyl wasn’t that bad. (beat) She has a car phone.

Daria: If THAT didn’t get totalled too…


(Scene: the road again. A tow truck is gathering up the Merc. Daria and AP are talking with one of the tow truck guys – he has a name badge that marks him as "Ben" sewn onto his shirt.)

Ben: Whoa; that is SOME car. (beat) Well, it WAS some car.

Daria: How long will it take to fix?

AP: And the all-important, how much will it cost?

Ben: Well, cost gets covered by the insurance. From what I’ve heard from you, this was just some accidental thing. Could have happened to anyone. And that insurance is hefty. (beat) But the time factor … well, you’re looking at three weeks of having this beauty in the shop before she runs again at best.

Daria: And … at worst?

Ben: Well, that engine got a beating. You two are lucky, but that motor sure wasn’t. (beat) Kids, we’ll do our best, but this car may NEVER run again.

(Daria and AP look at each other with panic in their eyes.)

Daria & AP: (in unison) She is going to KILL us.

(Commercial lead-in – AP bowing to Daria.)

(And more and more and more stupid British advertising…

Custard: I don’t remember the brand name. I do not WANT to remember the brand name. It is a man making silly noises and dancing around with shots of custard being poured on deserts in the background. God, people, get some STANDARDS!

Apples: Children in a playgroup talking in adult voices about the merits of various apples like they were big adult wine tasters. For the love of all that’s holy, stop giving parents the expectation that their kids should behave like adults before their time. It’s called a CHILDHOOD, and without one, you’re scarred for life.

That’s it for this episode…)

ACT 3
(Scene: Lynn’s house. Music: "The Unforgiven II" by Metallica. Daria and AP are standing sheepishly outside the door. It opens to reveal Lynn, who gives them a Mona Lisa smile.)

Lynn: So how was the date? Was it what I predicted?¹²

Daria: Yes and no…

Lynn: In what way no?

Daria: Um…

Lynn: And where’s the Merc? (beat) Oh, God, what happened? It didn’t break down on you, did it? I mean, I only got the damn thing serviced before we went to England and…¹³

AP: It didn’t break down. (beat) There was an accident.

Lynn: Oh … crap. (beat) You guys are okay, right?

Daria: Yeah, we came out without a scratch.

AP: Good thing for us we had such a sturdy car under us, Purple Peril!

Lynn: Shut up! You PROMISED me you’d be careful, so what the HELL happened?

Daria: No, Lynn, don’t! (beat) I was the one behind the wheel.

(deadly silence)

Lynn: (seeming calm) Tell me what happened.

Daria: I wanted to drive it…

AP: I talked her into it…

Daria: I can’t HANDLE driving a car that expensive…

AP: I thought she was gonna puke…

Daria: Sandi was driving in the wrong lane…

AP: Taunting us, the insensitive little..

Daria: And then there was this truck…

AP: She cut us up and we had to get off the road or…

Daria: And then there was this tree…

AP: Whole front end like an accordion…

Lynn: STOP!

(more dead silence)

Lynn: How long … before … my car … is fixed?

Daria & AP: (in unison; sheepish) Three weeks.

Lynn: THREE WEEKS?

Daria & AP: (in unison) Or possibly never.

(There is a hush. Lynn stares at them. They look back at her apologetically.)

Lynn: I am going into the house now. I’d check with a neutral party before speaking to me. I have no wish to be tried for murder, even as a juvenile.

(And with that, she walks into the house and slams the door in their faces.)

Daria: You know her from a long time back. How long before she forgives and forgets?

AP: You know the phrase, ‘when hell freezes over’?

Daria: Yeah…

AP: Well, that seems SHORT compared to Purple Peril’s grudges.

(Daria and AP look at each other sadly. Then they turn and walk away.)


(Scene: English class. Music plays on. Lynn has her nose in her revenge book. Like someone throwing a bone to a hungry dog, she looks up and pretends to pay attention to O’Neill. When she does, she finds Daria and AP looking at her with apologetic looks on their faces. She gives them a look that would make helium freeze solid. They look away in fear.)


(Scene: Science class. Music plays on. Jane is looking at Lynn in concern.)

Jane: TOTALLED?

Lynn: I’d respond to that by saying ‘totally’, but it seems trite and amateurish somehow. (beat) I should never have given him the keys.

Jane: But you said…

Lynn: It was DARIA who drove the car into a tree, but if I know AP, he goaded, prodded and wheedled her into taking the wheel. I’m upset at Daria for letting him talk her into it. I’m mad at AP because he’s careless and inconsiderate. (beat; sigh) And I’m mad at myself for letting him talk ME into giving him the car in the first place, if you want honesty.

Jane: So what’s going to happen now?

Lynn: Well, to be honest, they can both swing in the wind for a while. I haven’t decided what to do yet.

Jane: (tentative) Daria said you hold a grudge.

Lynn: I do.

Jane: (in "I don’t believe I’m risking this" tones) Can I ask you a favour … and promise that, whatever you say about it, no one ever finds out I asked?

Lynn: Cynic’s honour.

Jane: (tentative) Can you … sort of … let Daria off easy?

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) This is a side of you I’ve never seen, Lane. You gone soft?

Jane: (hesitant – she knows Daria will kill her for this) Daria’s kind of … sensitive, you know.

Lynn: I suffer the same syndrome myself.

Jane: (frustrated sigh) But she’s not … I mean…

Lynn: She can only defend by burrowing deeper into her shell while I lash out at anything that moves. So you’re concerned.

Jane: (nervous) If she EVER finds out I told you this…

Lynn: You would be slime. It goes no further.

Jane: (expectant) So…

Lynn: I promise – I won’t talk to her for awhile because I’m afraid of what I’d say. But there will be no revenge tactics against her.

Jane: (sigh; shrug) Um … thanks. I guess that’s the best I’m going to get.

Lynn: But AP, on the other hand…

Jane: (smirk) Need help?

Lynn: In the words of the biggest, stupidest klutz known to man … Purple Peril walks alone. If I DO need help, it won’t be much.

Jane: (disappointed) Damn.

Lynn: You can help me pick a new form of transportation – I need something motorised while my car’s in shop … (sigh) and in case my car’s irreparable.

Jane: (grumble) That’s cool, but … it’s not the same!

Lynn: I’ll let you paint about it.

Jane: Try to STOP me!

(They share a smirk)


(Scene: Lynn’s room. Lynn and Jane barge into the room and Lynn switches on her computer, dropping into the chair and drumming her fingers nervously near the mouse pad as she waits for it to boot up. Jane leans over her shoulder.)

Lynn: Come on, come on, come on… Ah. (beat; sigh) Spam, spam, sausage and spam…¹⁴

Jane: What’s the rush?

Lynn: I am waiting for two main things. Number one … confirmation on the bike.

Jane: You actually ORDERED it? From ITALY?

Lynn: Hey. You want a Laverda, you pay. And Amethyst is a beaut. She’s a 750 Strike – they normally only come in black, California orange – ick – and slate blue. So custom painting was a must.

Jane: So what’s the second thing?

Lynn: (evil smirk) A little dish best served cold…


(Scene: LHS parking lot. Daria, Jane and AP are standing around. Daria looks worried. Jane looks smug. AP looks angry as hell. Suddenly, a motorcycle engine comes within earshot and Lynn roars up on a Laverda 750 Strike, custom painted purple. She wears a silver helmet but has forsaken leathers. Instead, she wears kneepads. She’s not going terribly fast. She pulls up, dismounts and lifts the visor, taking off her glasses before pulling off the helmet.¹⁵)

Lynn: (replacing glasses) And how’s everyone?

AP: (angry) My hard drive is TOAST! What the HELL did you sic on my computer?

Lynn: Not even *I* know. The people I spoke to in the technological underground are as reluctant to divulge their tactics as they are their names. You lose much?

AP: (moan) EVERY damn thing!

Lynn: (shrug) Then you should take precautions. So … we’re even?

AP: (grumble) Yeah … only YOU got to get a new bike out of the deal.

Lynn: (raised eyebrow) And I really wanted to blow a not-inconsiderable chunk of my trust fund on a motorcycle, right?¹⁶ Come ON, AP. Peace?

AP: (sigh) Peace. (beat; examines the bike) I gotta give you this, Purple Peril. You’ve got taste. This is a BEAUTY of a bike. But why no leathers?

Lynn: Three reasons: First, I need to be sized – given my substandard height, I’m not going to be able to pick up just any old thing. Second, I mostly intend to keep to the speed limit and – unlike some – *I* am a fairly careful driver.

Daria: Hey, are you going to beat me over the head with that for the rest of my life?

Lynn: No … but I AM going to beat AP over the head with my bike helmet if he ever even THINKS of asking me for loan of a vehicle again.

Jane: So … what’s the third reason?

(And, if you haven’t guessed what’s gonna happen next…)

Upchuck: (OS) Rowr … I always find a lovely lady all the more titillating on a motorcycle … you can rev MY motor ANYTIME, baby!

(Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP look off-camera for a moment. Then Daria, Jane and AP look at Lynn. Lynn hands her helmet to Daria, who takes it.)

Lynn: (polite) Excuse me.

(Lynn steps out of shot. There is the distinct sound of someone small and helpless being mercilessly beaten to a pulp.)

Upchuck: OW … feisty … OW! OW! OW! Your … OW … continued … OW … feistiness only … OW … serves to … no, not the face!

(With a final whack, Upchuck falls silent. A moment later, Lynn walks back into shot and wordlessly takes her helmet back from Daria.)

AP: (raised eyebrow) Feel better?

Lynn: (nod; deadpan) Much. Now I don’t have to hurt either of you.

Daria: This forgiveness stuff gets easier every day.

AP: (grumble) I beg to differ.

Jane: (shrug) Whatever.

Lynn: Come on. Trial by boredom awaits. And I don’t want to be around when Upchuck comes to.

Jane: (wry) Can’t take the heat?

Lynn: No … don’t want to go to jail. If he does that again too soon, I may kill him.

(Daria and Jane shrug. AP grins. They walk out of shot together.)

END


A NOTE OF THANKS

I would like to thank Richard for his pernickety attitude about bikes. Lynn was going to own a Kawasaki Ninja but it was decided that she wouldn’t ride a "Plastic Power Ranger" bike so we went for the Laverda. Not to mention thanks to Little Welsh Boy for being the virtual go-between. Also thanks to Diane Long for Daria’s ideal hairstyle as seen in "Undone".

ENDNOTES

1) Teaser concept courtesy of Crazy Nutso. The first bit is taken from my first ever fanfic "A Meeting Of The Brains". The rest … well, if you pay attention, you’ll find one in this fic.

2) Inspired by Martin Pollard’s adaptation of "The Invitation" – "To most teens, J.J. Jeeters was to Cashman’s like a Ford Escort was to a Mercedes Benz". It started as a Honda Civic.

3) Quinn got together with Ted in my fanfic "Love Him or Leave Him". Start with "Trick or Trent" if you want the whole story.

4) Quinn decided that clothes made the brain in the episode "Quinn The Brain"

5) AP and Lynn go way back. They were friends at their old school, as stated in my fanfic "And Then There Were Four". I figured they must have a few scandals between them.

6) In the episode "Pinch Sitter", Quinn gets organised and rates dates by cars. "Convertibles get bonus points!" Gag me with a VERY large shovel.

7) Those who read my fanfic "Love Him or Leave Him" will remember the inflatable palm tree.

8) In my fanfic "Trick-or-Trent", Trent’s realisation of his feelings for Daria were announced by his reaction of "nrgh" to her Halloween costume.

9) See the episodes "Through A Lens Darkly" and "Speedtrapped" to find out how Daria drives.

10) Quinn left the Fashion Club in my fanfic "Love Him or Leave Him" because it was either the vice-presidency or Ted. Stacy left seconds later.

11) From the episode "The Lost Girls" – a major fashion don’t, apparently. Stacy was going to join either cheerleading or Glee Club, so I thought I’d go with cheerleading.

12) Read Lynn’s description of a typical date with AP in my fanfic "The Flack-Jacket Mafia".

13) Four words – my fanfic "Rue Britannia".

14) A Monty Python classic. Singing Vikings. In fan fiction terms, that line was first used by Michelle Klein-Haas in "Trent’s Adventures in LA-La Land". I thought I’d give all due credit.

15) If you wear glasses, you have to take them off before putting on or taking off a full facial helmet. I know whereof I speak.

16) Lynn received a hefty sum of money from her London aunt in my fanfic "Rue Britannia".

LEGAL BUTT-COVERING

Daria, Jane, and most of the cast of this fanfic were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are copyright 2000 MTV, a Viacom company. The "spam" bit is copyright (most recent 2000) Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd. Used without permission but in a good cause. I’m protected by Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music on the grounds of "substantially derivative" work and not making money off it so why should YOU care? Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre are copyright 1999 Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson. If you want to use these characters or adapt this fic, ask me first or be e-nuked out of existence. If you want to archive this fic without making money off it or changing it in ANY way, go right ahead but please e-mail me your URL so I know where it is. Thanks.