GRATING EXPECTATIONS
A Daria Fan Fiction [LAS1:07]
(Montage scene. Music: "Under Pressure" by Queen/David Bowie
Jodie's room. Jodie gets out of bed and walks over to her closet. She opens it and we see her look wistfully at a pair of blue jeans that have seen better days. But she sighs and removes her traditional brown skirt and pink blouse.
Landon kitchen. Andrew is hidden behind the paper á la Jake. Michelle is feeding Evan. Jodie is reading an SAT study guide. Suddenly, Evan grabs for the spoon and flings gook at Jodie, spattering her face. Jodie wipes it off in a vaguely calm way, even though she looks like she wants to scream.
LHS corridor. Jodie is talking to Mack when a few preppy-looking kids come and swarm Jodie. Mack beats a hasty retreat and Jodie looks back at him miserably as she is dragged off by the preppy kids - obviously her Student Council chums.
LHS library. Jodie looks up from her SAT study guide. She sees Kevin and Brittany making out in one of the aisles. Then she turns her head and sees Daria and Lynn. Though they don't smile or anything, it is clear that they are reading for pleasure - Daria's got "Dubliners" by James Joyce and Lynn's reading "Turnabout Is Fair Play - A Student's Guide To In Loco Parentis". Jodie looks at them wistfully, and then she gets an inspired look on her face. She takes out a notepad and pen and begins to write.
End montage.)
(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria, Jane and Lynn have converged on Daria's locker and, bearing books, are engaged in a heated debate as Jodie approaches.)
Daria: I'd wager DeMartino, just before we leave for summer vacation.
Jane: No way, Daria! It's gonna be O'Neill, halfway between Christmas and Easter this year.
Lynn: Actually, you guys, if I was putting money down on this, I'd bet Li, and sooner than spring semester.
Jane: Ha!
Jodie: (cutting in) What's up, you guys?
Jane: We'd LOVE to tell you … but then we'd have to kill you…
Jodie: Come on, you guys.
Daria: It's a wager.
Lynn: We're trying to decide which member of the faculty will be the first to go.
Jodie: Go?
Jane: Insane…
Daria: Corrupt…
Lynn: …Or just the one that gets fired first.
Jodie: Barch, and next Thanksgiving. (beat) That's when her divorce is finalised.
(Daria, Jane and Lynn look at her. This is a cynical side of Jodie that we don't see often. Eyebrows raised all around. Then Jodie speaks again.)
Jodie: Can I ask you guys a favour?
Daria: You remember our deal, don't you?1
Jodie: This isn't an extracurricular activity or anything. I just want an opinion. (hands over a couple of sheets of paper) It's an editorial for the Lawndale Lowdown. I haven't decided if I'm going to submit it yet.
Daria: (takes sheets, reads out title) "Ms Li's Brave New World"? (beat; then sees the irony as she reads) Oh. I see. You mean "brave new world" in the Aldous Huxley/Ira Levin sense.2 (hands paper to Jane)
Jane: (lips move slightly as she reads, then she stops; her eyes widen) Ouch. (hands paper to Lynn)
Lynn: (motionless as she reads, then she hands the paper back) You've got a flair for this, Jodie. I really caught the Orwellian despair.3
Jodie: So … overall, what do you think?
Daria, Jane & Lynn: (in unison) Perfect.
Jodie: (weak smile) Thanks, you guys. I think I needed to hear that. (exit)
Daria: It'll never see print.
Jane: Not a chance.
Lynn: Damn shame.
(Scene: a classroom in LHS. Jodie dashes in, obviously in a rush. In her hands, she holds two folders. We see them close up - one reads "Ms Li's Brave New World" and the other reads "What Student Council Means To You". She looks between them, undecided. Mack appears at the door.)
Mack: Hey.
(Jodie, startled out of her deep thoughts, drops the papers. She bends to pick them up, but is paying more attention to Mack than she is to her papers.)
Jodie: (smile) Hey.
Mack: (wryly) Feel like busting out of here? Dad had some tickets to "The Tempest" that he can't use.
Jodie: Great. Let's get out of here before someone else decides they need me. (She drops a folder on the table, but we don't see which one it is. Then she takes Mack's arm and hurries out.)
(Scene: LHS cafeteria. Music: "I Think I'm Paranoid" by Garbage. Daria & Jane are sitting and playing with their lunch)
Daria: What is this?
Jane: Meatloaf. What the meat is, I have no idea.
(Lynn enters, carrying a tray of food in her hands and a copy of the Lawndale Lowdown under her arm.)
Lynn: Roadkill Surprise. The surprise is that the meat in it is whatever the bus hit on the way to school this morning.4
(Daria & Jane, worried looks upon their faces, push the trays away in unison.)
Daria: You sure know how to kill culinary ambience, Lynn.
Lynn: Never mind the roadkill, anyway. Did you guys get a look at the Lowdown?
Jane: What, and look like we care what goes on at the school?
Daria: We have principles, Lynn.
Lynn: Well, you'd appreciate this issue. Take a look. (opens the newspaper, leafs briefly, then lays it open on the table.)
Daria: (leaning over the paper) "Ms Li's Brave New World." (beat) I don't believe she actually did it.
Jane: I don't believe Ms Li actually printed it. I thought we had the Thought Police on patrol.
Lynn: The only way I can figure it is that Ms Li only read the title, got impressed and decided that, if it was Jodie writing it, then it had to be okay. (beat) She's not going to be a happy bunny when she gets a look at this.
Daria: This could get interesting.
Jane: (dubious) Maybe … but Jodie's not the type to quote Monty Python at the top of her lungs when SHE gets in trouble.5
Lynn: (embarrassed smirk) What can I say? I'm unique.
Daria: Uniquely disturbed, maybe.
(There is an announcement on the PA system then.)
PA: Would Ms Jodie Landon please report to the principal's office.
(Daria, Jane and Lynn look at each other.)
Lynn: There she goes.
Daria: I think I'd really enjoy being a fly on the wall THERE.
Lynn: Ask, and ye shall receive. Come around to my house this afternoon and I'll let you hear the playback.
Jane: (highly amused) You bugged Ms Li's office?
Lynn: Turnabout is fair play. (beat) I wanted to be prepared if she tried anything like the stunt that inspired Operation Faeces Tauri again.6 So I hit MI6_Factory_Rejects for some decent hidden mikes.
Jane: When did you get like this, anyway? Were you born twisted?
(Lynn's only answer is a wry smile.)
END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Lynn leafing through the Lowdown.]
ACT 2
(Scene: Ms Li's office. Jodie is sitting across the desk from a VERY angry Ms Li.)
Li: Now, Ms Landon, perhaps you could explain this editorial?
Jodie: (stuck) I…
Li: It's quite all right, Ms Landon, I understand more about this situation than you think.
Jodie: (stunned) You … you do?
Li: (smug) Of course. If you'll tell me which of the girls you suspect, we'll have this matter cleared up in no time.
Jodie: (sounding remarkably like Daria) Excuse me?
Li: Honestly, Ms Landon, you don't really think I could accuse you, our top pupil at (hushed) Lawndale High, of such an offence? No, this is clearly the work of either Ms Morgendorffer or Ms Cullen … (earnest) unless you think it might have been a joint effort? (beat. Jodie is still staring at Ms Li.) Come now, Ms Landon, surely you realise there's no percentage in protecting these deviants.
(Jodie looks torn. She knows full well that she can get out of this easily; all she has to do is blame Daria and Lynn. But then her face takes on a put-out expression - she's actually proud of her editorial.)
Jodie: (quiet but firm) It wasn't Daria or Lynn. I wrote the editorial.
Li: (stunned) What?
Jodie: (louder) I wrote it, and what's more, I meant every word of it.
Li: (trying to maintain composure) Ms Landon, I must say I'm shocked at this turn of events. This isn't like you. (beat) I'm going to call your parents and suggest a conference to discuss this. You may go.
(Jodie goes, looking stricken. Ms Li takes out her hip flask.)
Li: I don't know how much more of these deviants I can take…
(Scene: Lynn's bedroom. Music: "I Spy" by Pulp. Lynn, Jane and Daria are sitting around a small tape recorder. On their faces are identical shocked looks.)
Jane: Wow. You two are infamous.
Daria: (deadpan) Whoopee.
Lynn: (deadpan) They like me. They really, really like me. (beat) Wonder why Jodie didn't turn us in.
Daria: Hey, if I had written that editorial, I wouldn't want anyone else taking credit for it either.
Jane: Yeah. (beat; confused) Huh?
Daria: Jodie wrote that editorial from somewhere in the deepest pit of her soul. I've read some of her other stuff and, while they hint at that feeling, nothing comes close. "Ms Li's Brave New World" was no holds barred, and … well…
Jane: So what you're telling me is that you wish you'd done it first?
Daria: (embarrassed) Well, if you want to put it that way…
Lynn: It's a moot point anyway. Sure, we'd all love to have written that editorial … or something like it anyway … but Jodie's the only one of us who would have been allowed the leeway needed to get it into the Lowdown. It's better this way.
Jane: Yeah, well, what do you think is going to happen when Li gets hold of Jodie's parents?
Daria: I have a feeling it won't take long for us to find out.
(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "The Thorn Within" by Metallica. Daria alone at her locker. Jodie approaches, still looking stricken.)
Jodie: Hey, Daria.
Daria: Hey. How's Lawndale's answer to Salman Rushdie?
Jodie: Don't joke. Ms Li hasn't got through to my parents yet, and the suspense is killing me. Anyway, I handed it in by complete accident.
Daria: Do the words "Freudian slip" mean anything to you?
Jodie: (despairing) What am I going to do, Daria? My parents will kill me!
Daria: (shrug) I hear Monte Carlo's nice this time of year…
Jodie: (ignoring this) Ms Li's blaming you for all this, you know.
Daria: (can't admit to insider knowledge) I'm not surprised. (beat) You wouldn't be this worried if you'd thrown me to the lions, so I can assume I'm safe.
Jodie: (cynical) You'd think so, but I doubt it. Ms Li's probably on the phone to my parents right now, telling them how I've been indoctrinated into some sort of cult.
(Lynn and Jane approach)
Jane: What's going on?
Daria: Jodie's parents are about to be informed that their perfect achiever has been brainwashed by deviant cynics.
Lynn: (sarcastic) Yeah, right. We are the Flack-Jacket Mafia, and we bend overachievers to our will. (chuckle) Who in their right mind is going to believe that?
Daria: Parents are always willing to believe anything that takes the stain of guilt off them and their half-assed parenting.
Jane: Yeah. After all, what would the Landons rather believe; that their superstar daughter was brainwashed by a cult of freaks, or that their superstar daughter finally decided to have a healthy teenage rebellion?
Jodie: You three sure know how to cheer a girl up.
Lynn: Don't take it to heart. My mother's disappointed in me most of the time. It's something they get over.
Jodie: (concerned) Aren't you in the least bit worried about how this will affect you? Ms Li's probably going to call your parents about this, you know.
Daria: (shrug) I think my parents will be happy that I've turned into some kind of role model, to be honest.
Lynn: (shrug) Mom's come to expect this sort of thing out of me.
Jane: (shrug) What parents?
(Scene: Landon living room. Jodie walks in and hurries towards the stairs. She is frozen in her tracks by her mother's voice.)
Michelle: (OS) Jodie Abigail Landon, get in here!
(Jodie sighs and walks into the kitchen.)
(Scene: Landon kitchen. Evan is in a playpen on the floor and Michelle is sitting at the kitchen table with a copy of The Wall Street Journal open in front of her. She is glaring at her daughter.)
Michelle: I got a call from your principal today…
Jodie: Mom, it was an accident. I wrote that editorial when I was under a lot of stress and I…
Michelle: I can understand stress, Jodie, but you can't just vent all over the place. Ms Li's strongly considering taking you off the Lowdown staff AND student council. She wants a written apology tomorrow, so I suggest you start working on that.
Jodie: I handed it in by accident!
Michelle: You never should have written it in the first place. Jodie … (sigh) … I know it's not easy, but you have to put these things into perspective. Now, your principal may be a little overzealous when it comes to parental control, but to call the woman a dictator…
Jodie: (interrupting) Well, she IS a dictator! She censors the Lowdown so strongly it's a wonder my editorial ever saw print! She violates the students' civil liberties at every opportunity if it'll make the school look good! She censored Daria and Jane's poster for that competition because she didn't like the way it made student life look,7 and you should hear what she did to Daria and Lynn to make them write some stupid essay praising Lawndale High for a magazine competition! She was this close (presses thumb and forefinger together) to getting them institutionalised!8
Michelle: And that's another thing; those girls you've taken to hanging around with. The daughter of a raving lunatic, some latchkey bohemian and, from what you told me, a scheming rogue of a girl with no concept of boundaries!9 You've been acting strangely since you met those three; well, it stops now! I don't want you seeing them anymore, Jodie. Don't ever let me hear about it.
Jodie: You can't tell me who I can be friends with!
Michelle: I can and I will if I have your best interests at heart! (trying to calm down) Jodie, you're on the fast track to success now. You're getting a great head start on the future, and so far you've never done anything to jeopardise that. I can't watch you throw that away on some stupid teenage rebellion.
Jodie: (ready to explode) A head start to WHAT? To the big corporate finance world that you so desperately want me to be part of? To some political future that'll have me lying and cheating like all the rest? When I was seven, I wanted to be a ballerina10 and you yanked me right out of dance lessons! My dreams should be my own! (exit)
Michelle: (calling after her) What about that apology?
Jodie: (OS) I'll tell you what she can do with her apology! (door slams)
(Scene: Jodie's bedroom. Music: "Tyler's Song" by Coal Chamber. Jodie gets out of bed and goes to her closet, just like she did in the opening scene. This time, though, she takes out the old jeans with a smile.)
(Scene: Landon kitchen. Music plays on. Jodie walks in wearing her blue jeans – there's a big whole in the right knee, rather like Trent's – her normal pink blouse and a pair of sneakers. She sits at the table without a word. Andrew stares at her over his paper. Michelle glares at her and goes back to feeding Evan.)
Michelle: I want a word with you about yesterday.
Andrew: What do you think you're wearing?
Jodie: (monotone) No, and what I feel like.
Andrew: Don't you take that tone with me, young lady.
Jodie: I had no tone. I was toneless. (stands up) If you'll excuse me, I lost my appetite. (exit)
Andrew: Get back in here!
(The door slams)
END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Jodie looking at her old jeans with a smile.]
ACT 3
(Scene: LHS corridor. Music plays on. Daria, Jane and Lynn watch from in front of Daria's locker as Jodie walks past. Her Council cronies approach, but she ignores them, leaving them looking hurt and lost.)
Jane: Well, this is bizarre.
Daria: Invasion of the body snatchers, maybe.
Jane: Yeah, right, like the last time.11
Lynn: This is another one of those weird, moronic things that I don't want to know about, right?
Daria & Jane: (in unison) Oh yeah.
(Scene: Mr DeMartino's class. Daria & Jodie are sitting side by side, with Jane behind them. DeMartino's pacing the front of the room.)
DeMartino: Now, class, can anyone explain to me WHY the concept of a UTOPIAN STATE will never pan out? (beat) Jodie?
Jodie: In as few words as possible, Mr DeMartino, because people suck.
(There is a shocked silence as the entire class stares at her. Daria and Jane share 'a look'. Mr DeMartino looks pained – probably because he's just lost one of the only two or three pupils who can actually give him an answer.)
DeMartino: (struggling) Well, Jodie, while that is CERTAINLY the case, that's a BIT too SIMPLISTIC! (last resort time) Daria?
(Daria sighs.)
(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake is leafing through a cookbook entitled "Cooking With Aphrodisiacs – Spice Up Your Marriage The Easy Way!".)
Jake: Ew … Oysters (shudders)
(Doorbell rings)
(Scene: Morgendorffer front door. It opens and we see Jodie behind it, still in jeans and blouse, looking glum.)
Jodie: Hello, Mr Morgendorffer. Is Daria in?
Jake: (stunned) Sure … go on up. Second door on the left. (yells) Daria! Your friend … um … that one from the gifted school's here!12
(Jodie heads up the stairs)
Jake: Wow. That's three friends come to visit in two years! (sniffle; wipes away a tear) I knew her day would come!
(Scene: Daria's room. Music: "Paranoid Android" by Radiohead. Jodie enters)
Daria: (a little surprised) Hey.
Jodie: Hey. (surveys the room) I always wondered what this place looked like on the inside.
Daria: A bleak and dismal echo of times to come. (beat) There's no place like home.
Jodie: Daria … I need some advice.
Daria: (surprised – this is a request she's rarely had) Um … okay.
Jodie: How do you … I don't know … not give a damn?
Daria: (wide-eyed) Excuse me?
Jodie: I see you mouth off to the teachers and insult the students and still manage to get the grades you do. You don't care what anyone thinks of you and you're still a success … by your own measure of success.
Daria: And you're not feeling successful now that you've blown everyone off?
Jodie: (sigh) I've spent so long making my parents happy that I don't know how to do anything else.
Daria: (thinks this over) Um … to be honest, I don't know what to tell you. My parents want me to live up to my potential … so I'm very careful not to let them know what that is.13 It's very rare that I try to impress people … my parents, anyway.14
(Jodie's eyes widen at Daria's last statement, and Daria looks away.)
Jodie: Just … how do you get the courage up to tell people that you don't care what they think?
Daria: (shrug) It's just … there, if you believe in yourself enough.
(Scene: the Cullen front door. It opens to reveal Daria behind it, with Jodie firmly in tow.)
Lynn: (confused) Hi.
Daria: Hey. I suggested she come to you for lessons in not giving a damn.
(Lynn raises her eyebrows)
(Scene: Lynn's room. Lynn is going through her bookshelf – a silver wire contraption with smokes glass shelves – while Jodie and Daria sit on the bed.)
Lynn: I'm not sure I understand this. Jodie, you want to be able to tell your parents to go get a boarding pass for the ferry on the river Styx – being sure to remember the dog biscuits for Cerberus.15 Yet you don't feel you can because you respect them more than you do yourself.
Jodie: (shrinking under the onslaught) Well…
Lynn: (finds book, thrusts it at Jodie) Try having a read of this first off.
Jodie: (reading title) "So You Finally Realised You're A Doormat"?
Lynn: (shrugs; a bit sheepish) A moment of weakness. I showed an aptitude for music, and my mother slung me in band. I bought this when they tried to take me of the sax and stuck me with this God-awful alto clarinet. My finger pads were too small to cover the holes properly and I sounded like a lame duck being bitten by fire ants.
Jodie: (reading from the book) "The best way to start your emancipation is by starting simple. Practice the art of telling those that annoy you to go to hell." (beat) Do I have to do this?
Daria: Sounds fair enough to me.
Jodie: (from book again) "You will have to start fairly obvious to get the knack of it, but if you keep at it, soon you will be able to wither at a single glance." (beat – reluctantly catching on) Okay…
Lynn: That's kind of the cure-all. It works on all people, all the time. How do you think Daria got so good at turning you back when you wanted an extra pair of hands on an extracurricular project?
Daria: It actually sounds ideal for you. A do-it-yourself attitude problem creator. You could finally tell Brittany what you thought of her. (beat) She probably wouldn't be able to understand it, but...16
Jodie: It would make me feel better. I understand.
Daria: So what are you going to tell your family when you get in and they want to know where you've been all afternoon?
Jodie: (thinks about this for a moment, putting herself into a Daria-like mind frame) If you want to know so badly, hire a PI.
(Daria & Lynn raise their eyebrows, impressed)
Lynn: And if Ms Li comes around tomorrow and offers you your Council spot back?
Jodie: (another pause for thought) As much as I enjoy being surrounded by worshipful sycophants, the idea that I might come out of the experience with your leadership skills leads me to believe that I'd be better off joining the Skydiving Without A Parachute Club.
Lynn: By Jove, I think she's got it.
Daria: That last one was a little obvious, but pretty good for a first-timer.
(Jodie beams)
(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria, Jane and Lynn walking through the halls.)
Jane: So you two coached the Junior Overachiever of America in the art of sarcasm?
Daria: She came to us for help.
Lynn: She wanted us to save her from herself.
Jane: Well, this is going to be an interesting rest of the year…
(Jodie walks by, arm-in-arm with Mack, who looks dazed but pleased. She is still wearing her jeans and blouse combination.)
Jodie: (to Daria, Jane & Lynn) Hey.
Daria, Jane & Lynn: (in unison) Hey.
Daria: So, how did it go with your parents?
Jodie: Well, needless to say, the PI line didn't go down very well with them, but it DID shut them up long enough for me to get to my room and shut the door. I heard Mom talking and she thinks it's some kind of phase I'm sure to grow out of sooner or later.
Daria: Do you think it'll be sooner or later?
Jodie: Personally, I think it'll be around the same time Satan drives to work in a snowplough.
Mack: (looking fondly at Jodie) I certainly HOPE it's around the same time Satan drives to work in a snowplough. I like having time to spend with you.
Jodie: (to Daria, Jane and Lynn) We're going to the movies after school. Want to come? "The Blair Witch Project" is playing.
Daria: Thanks, but we'll pass.
Jane: Wouldn't want to cramp Mack's style.
Jodie: Whatever. See you. (she and Mack walk away)
Lynn: That was pretty cool.
(Ms Li stops Jodie and Mack as they pass her office.)
Li: Ah, Ms Landon, I've been looking for you…
Jodie: The hidden cameras must be such a blessing to you, then.
(Daria, Jane & Lynn smirk along with Mack and Jodie as they watch events unfold.)
Li: (miffed) Indeed. Now, I've spoken to the staff of the Lowdown and all agree that they cannot manage without you. I have agreed, with all due reluctance, to allow you to resume your position as editor, although your Council post WILL be withheld pending further proof of your fitness for the position.
Jodie: Actually, Ms Li, I'm afraid my schedule doesn't allow the time for the Lowdown OR Student Council. (beat) I've been seriously neglecting my other activities of late.
Li: (walking right into it) What 'other activities'? I thought I threw you out of all your activities!
Jodie: Oh, this is an activity you don't usually sponsor here at (imitation of Ms Li's hushed tone) Lawndale High. It's called having a life. Later.
(And she walks off on Mack's arm, not looking back as Ms Li stares after her in shock. Then Ms Li turns on Daria, Lynn and Jane, who are smirking to themselves.)
Li: You think this is all so wonderful, don't you! Well, we'll see who has the last laugh! (stalks off)
Daria: (innocent deadpan) We weren't laughing … were we?
Jane: (same) Not so much as a mild guffaw.
Lynn: Jodie did us proud. Not bad for a beginner.
Daria: That's typical. Even when she's not caring what people think of her, she has to be the best at it.
Jane: Think we have competition as outcasts?
(beat)
Daria, Jane, Lynn: (in unison) Nah.
ENDNOTES
1] Jodie asked her friendly neighbourhood deviants to get Mack reinstated on the football team in "Run Away From Homecoming" with a promise to refrain from asking Daria to enrol in any extracurricular activities for the rest of her junior year.
2] The reminder of the Huxley courtesy of Austin Loomis. Hadn't read it until he pointed it out. Read it. Loved it. Nuff said.
3] You know, "1984"? Read a book!
4] I once went to summer camp. That was how I described the meatloaf for two straight weeks. To anyone who'd listen. Word spread, people worried, and meatloaf was taken off the menu at camp. For all time.
5] This comes from "Swear To Be Different". She quoted Dennis the anarcho-syncidalist peasant from "The Quest for the Holy Grail". Loudly.
6] Read all about Operation Faeces Tauri in "Poetic Injustice".
7] Jodie did express some sympathy for what was done to the "She Knows She's A Winner" poster in "Arts 'N Crass".
8] "Poetic Injustice" again.
9] Actually, Michelle Landon has seen Lynn before, as we find out in "Growing Cynical". Whatever Jodie's told her about Lynn Cullen [and I assume she'd remember the name, given the circumstances] would only serve to emphasise her initial reaction.
10] This is from another one of Jodie's editorials in "The Lawndale Lowdown", according to The Daria Diaries.
11] In "The Lawndale File", there is talk about alien body-snatchers when Quinn starts dressing different to hide a neck zit. Major paranoia ensues. What IS in the Lawndale water table that makes them jump to such insane conclusions?
12] He has met Jodie, in "Gifted". Not to say he'd remember her name, of course – this is JAKE we're talking about.
13] Another "Daria Diaries" quote. I obviously read that book too often for my own good while writing these.
14] Well, she'd be thinking of the events of "Pierce Me", in case you were wondering.
15] Greek mythology, anyone? Really upmarket, overeducated way of telling someone to go to hell.
16] She'd be thinking of Lynn's comment to Brittany in "Run Away From Homecoming", which goes over her head – probably a lucky thing, given.
LEGAL BLATHER
Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company [created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn]. Lynn Cullen was created and is owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I've credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don't sue me – it's not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic [tell me where it is, though, please] but if you want to use my character, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.