(Opening sequence. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck", Splendora
Ms Li's office. Daria and Lynn looking at each other with identical looks of assessment and deadpan curiosity.
Cullen house, exterior. A small, thin redhead in a blue flack-jacket and black jeans drops to his knees and begins to salaam to Daria and Lynn, who are peering out an upstairs window.
LHS classroom. Daria, Jane and Lynn stand in a doorway, smirking. Jane carries a Polaroid camera.
Lane house, exterior. Daria, wearing a white peasant blouse, green half-corset, black skirt and black cloak with green satin lining [no glasses] stares in shock at Lynn, who wears an identical outfit bar the colour of the cloak lining and half-corset [purple] and an equally shocked look.
LHS corridor. Daria and Jane watched with bemusement as DeMartino drags a screaming Lynn past them by her ear.
LHS gymnasium. On a stage rigged at one end, Trent rams his guitar through a bass drum.
Science lab. The redhead, wearing safety goggles, pushes a button and ducks under the desk an instant before the model of Lawndale High that graces that desk blows up.
LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and the redhead watch, smirking, as Ms Li is dragged down the hall handcuffed to a policeman. A camera crew whose equipment bears the Sick Sad World logo follows behind them.
Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"
SWEAR TO BE DIFFERENT
A Daria Fan Fiction [LAS1:06]
(Scene: Lawndale High corridor. Daria is at her locker, swapping books for her next class. Jane's looking through a stack of papers. Lynn is reading "Loose Lips Sink Ships: How To Maintain Silence No Matter WHAT You Know Or HOW They Torture You!"1)
Daria: So how'd you do on the 'Which Era I'd Like To Have Lived In And Why' essay for DeMartino?
Jane: C+. He didn't really think my wanting to have reshaped artistic history in the Italian Renaissance was particularly significant to his political bent … but he couldn't really fail me for it either. You?
Daria: The usual A. He particularly enjoyed my caveat about my reduced life expectancy in Puritan times due to the tendency of the people of the day to burn aberrant personalities at the stake as heretics. (beat) How about you, Lynn?
Lynn: (immersed in her book) Hmm? What? (back to reality) Oh, I don't know yet. I've got him next.
Jane: What era did YOU pick?
Lynn: The Sixties "Flower Power" thing. You know, peace, pot, promiscuity and protest. Back when scruffy kids really thought they could make a difference and giving a damn was more than a fashion statement. (beat) I bet I get reamed for it, though. I kind of mouthed off about 'Nam.
Daria: That can't be good. We all know how DeMartino feels about THAT bit of our nation's glorious past.
Lynn: Eh. As Shakespeare said, "What's done is done and cannot be undone".2
Daria: That was before white-out was invented.
(Scene: DeMartino's class. DeMartino is standing at the front of the room, looking through the students' essays. He stops in front of Lynn's desk – she, of course, is in the front row.)
DeMartino: Lynn; YOUR paper was PARTICULARLY thought-provoking … ESPECIALLY your description of this country's UNFORTUNATE Vietnamese encounter as an exercise in INTOLERANCE eclipsed only by BERGEN-BELSEN and the Salem WITCH hunts!
Lynn: (shrug; casual) I called it as it was seen in my chosen era, sir.
DeMartino: (grudgingly) Although I don't AGREE with your viewpoint, my sense of FAIR PLAY forces me to give you an A.
Lynn: (sincerely) I won't hold it against you, sir.
(There are a few snickers. DeMartino ignores them. He moves on to another paper and moves down the front a little to face Brittany, who's doodling pom-poms on her notebook.)
DeMartino: Now, Brittany… From what of this illegible SCRAWL I can make OUT, you chose the 1950's.
Brittany: (hair-twirling; vapid expression) Um … okay!
DeMartino: In response to my inquiry as to WHY, Brittany, you put down "HULA hoops and POODLE skirts". Now, Brittany, can you explain how the FLEETING FADS of an INSIPID era have made ANY difference to the life of ANYONE with the BRAIN CAPACITY of a SPORE MOULD?
Brittany: (senses she's in trouble – DeMartino's much angrier than usual – but can't think of anything to say except…) Um … cheerleading?3
DeMartino: I've HAD it, Brittany! I'm SICK of your CONSISTENT refusal to grasp the concept that YOU ARE A MORON! You have NOTHING going for you bar an admittedly IMPRESSIVE body that will SAG in your middle years and a SIEVE-LIKE mind that will only attract men seeking to avoid CONVERSATION and intelligent PRE-NUPTIAL agreements! You are a WASTE OF SPACE, Brittany; a NOTHING!
(Not even Brittany can pretend not to understand this barrage of insults. She begins to cry. We see Lynn looking really angry.)
DeMartino: (hasn't got his pound of flesh yet) Once you hand in your POM-POMS in your senior YEAR, NO ONE will even remember your NAME! The only mark YOU'LL ever make on the world is a NOTCH in someone's BEDPOST!
(Brittany runs out, sobbing, and Lynn snaps. She lunges out of her chair, palms on her desk)
Lynn: Lay off her, you abusive f…
(The bell rings, cutting off this last word for us. We instantly cut to the Lawndale High corridor again. Daria and Jane are walking down it.)
Jane: How do you think DeMartino reacted to Lynn's paper?
(The door immediately in front of them bursts open and DeMartino charges out, dragging Lynn behind him by her ear.)
Lynn: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system! COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP, HELP; I'M BEING REPRESSED!
(The two then move out of sight and earshot.)
Jane: What the hell was that?
Daria: Monty Python. Quest for the Holy Grail. Dennis the anarcho-syndicalist peasant.4
Jane: (looks a bit confused) Do we really want to know?
Daria: Well, you asked how he reacted to her paper…
(Scene: Jane's room. Music: "Nice Guys Finish Last" by Green Day. Jane is working on a painting of Daria dressed in Puritan clothing and tied to a stake; torches wave in the foreground. Daria is sitting on Jane's bed and staring at the opposite wall. Lynn's lying at Daria's feet in Daria's 'something eating at my soul' pose.)
Jane: (nonchalant) So you used a word that gets bleeped on Jerry Springer. Big deal. (beat) What REALLY surprises me is that you stood up for Brittany.
Lynn: (morose) Yeah. I defended her right to have that pink insulation stuff where her brain should be. (beat) And now I'm paying for it.
Daria: (vaguely sympathetic) So what'd you get? Detention? Suspension?
Lynn: (mock casual) Expulsion, actually.
Jane: (shocked) WHAT? For swearing at a teacher ONCE?
Daria: Let's not forget, 'with cause'.
Lynn: (trying to stay casual) Hey, I got off lucky. I think Ms Li would have happily seen me get twenty lashes followed by a public hanging from the Tommy Sherman Memorial goalpost.5 She's got a real hate on for me.6
Daria: Maybe so, but that can't be fair.
Lynn: (morose but matter-of-fact) I've never got the impression that life was fair; why should it start now? (sigh) I suppose there are good points to this. Mom's in Brussels on business this week, so she won't find out until next Monday. That'll give me plenty of time to think up a good defence … or get the hell out of the country, whichever's easiest. (beat; grin) And anyway, I've ALWAYS wanted an excuse to use that line and mean it.
Jane: What, the abusive…
Daria: I think she means the Monty Python line.
Jane: Oh. (pause – uncomfortable one) Hey, Lynn, do you want to stay over tonight?
Lynn: (sigh) Nah. Thanks, but I really just want to be alone with this one. (gets up) If you don't hear from me by Sunday, assume I've run away to join the ranks of the homeless unemployed. (exit)
Daria: Can we just let this happen?
Jane: Sure … but that'll mean Lynn gets thrown into some other school so she can make other people's lives miserable. Wouldn't that deprive us of the pleasure of watching Lawndale REALLY suffer?
Daria: So we need a plan. (beat) Any ideas?
Jane: (shrug) Hey, you two are the devious, subversive ones. I just go along with your evil schemes for fun and profit. You think of something.
(Daria glares slightly at Jane, who smiles and salutes her with a paintbrush.)
END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Lynn being dragged past Daria and Jane by her ear.]
ACT 2
(Scene: Morgendorffer dining room. Jake hidden behind paper. Quinn picking at her food with a dreamy expression on her face. Helen suspiciously eyeing Daria, who has not touched her lasagne and is looking at her plate with a miserable expression on her face. Usually she's just stoic; now she's actually showing how down she is.)
Helen: (a bit worried) Daria … sweetie, is something wrong?
Daria: (sigh; can't even think of a decent comeback) A friend of mine got unfairly expelled today.
Helen: (frowning) Oh … it's not that Joanne girl, is it? Because I thought that girl was trouble from day ONE and I wouldn't be at ALL surprised if ...7
Daria: (forcefully) First of all, I think you're referring to JANE. Second, it wasn't her that got expelled. Third, if you'd listened without prejudice … or listened at all … you would have heard me say 'unfairly'. (beat) And you wonder why I never tell you anything? (exit)
Helen: (realising how badly she's blown it) Oh damn it.
Jake: (looking up from paper) Hey … where's Daria? Out with her friends?
(Scene: Daria's bedroom. Daria's staring at the ceiling. There is a knock at the door.)
Daria: The door that you have knocked upon is permanently out of service. Please do not try again later … or ever.
Helen: (opening the door anyway and coming in) Daria, can I talk to you?
Daria: Provided you don't expect me to listen, reply, or react to you in any way, feel free.
Helen: (irritated) Look, you're not making it easy for me to apologise for being unfair. (beat; quietly) Now, who DID get expelled, and why do you say it's unfair? (beat) I'd like to help, if I can.
Daria: (realising that her mother's legal know-how might give her an edge) DeMartino was verbally abusing a student. Lynn Cullen – a friend of mine – told him to back off, and in doing so used ONE four-letter obscenity. She was brought before Ms Li and immediately expelled.
Helen: (thinking it over) Hmm … that certainly doesn't SOUND like an offence punishable by expulsion. I'll look into it. (beat; warily) I assume you have every intention of taking matters into your own hands?
Daria: (thought VO) Since I won't know until I HAVE a plan… (aloud; evasive) I'll have to plead the Fifth on that one.
Helen: (exasperated sigh) Just don't hurt yourself or anyone else … and PLEASE keep it legal.
Daria: (deadpan) I promise to abandon the nail-bombing campaign. (beat) Mom … um …
Helen: (little smile) You're welcome. (exit, leaving Daria to ponder her next move)
(Scene: Lawndale High corridor. Daria is standing alone at her locker. Andrea approaches and stands there for a moment. Daria doesn't notice. Then…)
Andrea: So Lynn got expelled.
(Daria wheels, momentarily taken aback.)
Daria: Um … yeah. Yeah, she did.
Andrea: Damn shame.
Daria: (confused) Why do you care?
Andrea: Dunno. Seems cool. (beat) So, gonna do something about it?
Daria: (tentative) Probably… Why?
Andrea: I wanna help. (beat) Censorship blows.
Daria: (still wary) Okay… (an idea forms) Meet me and Jane at Pizza King after school?
Andrea: Vegetarian supreme?
Daria: Whatever.
Andrea: Cool. (exit)
Daria: (staring after her) Okay then. (little Mona Lisa smirk)
(Montage sequence. Music: "Fight For Your Right To Party" by the Beastie Boys. Daria, Jane and Andrea sit at a table in Pizza King. They are eyeing each other warily but Daria seems to be mapping out a plan that they all agree with.
Daria's room. Daria moves the mouse on her computer and clicks. Bits of paper come out of the printer. All we can see on them for now is the heading: "SPEAK OUT IN SILENCE". Cut to Daria, who wears her Mona Lisa smile.
Andrea approaches her Goth friends (we've never seen them but she must have some), giving them each a slip of paper. They all seem to be in agreement with whatever it says.
Jane is going through Trent's room again, throwing T-shirts onto a big pile on the bed. She finally locates the T-shirt she wants [Marilyn Manson's "I Am The God of F***"]. The T-shirt mountain on the bed moves to reveal Trent, who looks bewildered.
Daria meets up with Andrea and her friends. She looks very small and plain compared to them. One of them hands her a T-shirt – this one says "I feel for you. Your problems interest me greatly. I feel great empathy for you and the difficult life you lead. You must be the unluckiest person in the whole of creation. Now f*** off and stop bothering me."8 Daria reads it and smirks.
A note is passed to Jodie. It is the flyer that Daria's printed out, the one headed "SPEAK OUT IN SILENCE" The text reads: "Silent protest against the expulsion of Lynn Cullen and the violation of her right to free speech. Begins 8 a.m. on the football field & lasts as long as it takes." Cut to an uncertain look on Jodie's face.
End montage.)
(Scene: The football field. A very large group of students have gathered on the field, and the two things they have in common is that they are all carrying backpacks and sleeping bags and that, somewhere on their person, they are wearing an item with 'that word' on it. Daria, Jane and Andrea are standing below a sign that reads: "If One Word Ruined A Student's Future, We Dare Say None At All. Bring Lynn Cullen Back To Lawndale High". Below it, scrawled in what looks for all the world like black lipstick, are the words "Censorship Blows".)
Daria: Was that really necessary?
Andrea: Sums it up.
Daria: (sigh) Okay. (checks her watch) We have two minutes until the silent protest begins. Any last words?
Jane: How long do we keep this up?
Daria: (serious) Until Lynn gets put back in school or until the police drag us away. I'm sick of Ms Li pushing us around.
Jodie: (OS) Hey, guys.
(Daria, Jane and Andrea turn around with surprised expressions as Jodie and Mack amble towards them wearing identical "Choose Life" T-shirts [with that quote from 'Trainspotting' on it].9)
Daria: (to Jodie) This is going to play hell with your permanent record, Jodie. Forty-five seconds to reconsider.
Jodie: No way. (laugh) Colleges love this sort of thing.
Daria: Giving a damn as a fashion statement. How right you were. (yelling) Okay, people, countdown in five! Four! Three! Two! One!
(She pushes a button on a boom box, and Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall" begins to play. Pan on an entire football field of silent students wearing T-shirts emblazoned with 'that word', reading or writing or staring at the clouds. Apart from the music, it is utterly silent.)
(Scene: Ms Li's office. She hears the music and looks out the window, where a halfway-decent view of the football field can be found.)
Li: What the hell… (takes a swig from that hip flask, charges out of her office.10)
(Scene: The football field. Music plays on. Ms Li approaches Daria.)
Li: I assume YOU'RE ring-leading this little CIRCUS!
(Daria stays silent; she merely points at the sign.)
Li: (yelling) WILL ALL LAWNDALE HIGH STUDENTS GET BACK TO YOUR CLASSES IMMEDIATELY! THOSE WHO OBEY MY ORDERS WILL NOT FACE DISCIPLINARY ACTION, BUT THOSE THAT REMAIN WILL FIND AN INDELIBLE BLACK MARK ON THEIR PERMANENT RECORDS!
(Jodie looks nervous. Mack puts a supportive hand on her shoulder and Jane gives her an understanding smile. Jodie ceases to look nervous, but not without great effort. She puts a finger to her lips, silently shushing Ms Li, and then points at the sign.)
Li: We'll just see what campus SECURITY has to say about THIS! (exit)
END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria pointing at the sign.]
ACT 3
(Scene: Still the football field. Music: "Battle Of The Beanfield" by The Levellers. It must be about lunchtime because bag lunches are being brought out of rucksacks and quietly eaten. Mr O'Neill approaches carrying a paper bag.)
O'Neill: This is some protest, Daria. I had no idea you felt so strongly about this.
(Daria smiles, puts a finger to her lips, and points at the sign. Then, O'Neill smiles back, puts a finger to his own lips, and points to the sign. Then he sits down near to Daria and pulls a sandwich out of his paper bag. Then he takes a tape and hands it to Daria. Daria looks at it, looks at him questioningly, and then stops the Levellers CD, putting the tape in and pressing play. "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel begins to play and Daria looks at O'Neill with raised eyebrows. O'Neill shrugs, and so does Daria. They leave it on.)
(Scene: Lynn's front door. Trent approaches the door and rings the bell. A moment later, Lynn appears.)
Lynn: (glum) Hi, Trent.
Trent: Hey. Can I talk to you?
Lynn: Sure. I assume human companionship will at least prevent me from going more insane than I already am. (opens the door wider.)
(Scene: Lynn's room. Lynn's on-line. Trent's sitting on her bed.)
Trent: Surfing for anything in particular?
Lynn: New schools. Mom'll want me in a boarding school with bars on the windows after this. I thought I'd give her some options while she's ripping my face off. (beat) What's up?
Trent: I… Hey, do you want to talk about this thing that's going on with the school?
Lynn: Provided you're not suggesting that to avoid the real issue. (beat) There's not much to say. I swore at a teacher. I got expelled. No one gives a damn. End of story. (beat) So you want to talk about what you said to me when you mistook me for Daria on Halloween?
Trent: (blush) Yeah. I mean … have you…
Lynn: See that book on the floor by my bed? (Trent looks; it's the Loose Lips Sink Ships thing.) What does that tell you?
Trent: I mean, I want to tell her. I saw her that night and just...11
Lynn: Lost what passes for your mind, I know.
Trent: Do YOU know what Daria thinks of me? I mean, it'd be so much easier for me if I just knew that she didn't think I was some loser in a crappy band.
Lynn: Look, whether I knew or not, I wouldn't tell you because anything anyone says to me is taken into strict confidence unless they've implicitly told me otherwise. (beat) But why don't you ask Jane? She's your sister, and she's known Daria a LOT longer than I have.
Trent: Janey's not talking to me about that. (beat) In fact, right now she's not talking to me about ANYTHING.
Lynn: (confused) You two have a fight or something? I thought neither of you cared enough about anything to get into arguments.
Trent: (laugh/cough thing) I can see why Janey and Daria like you. Nah, it's not like that. You said no one gives a damn if you're expelled or not?
Lynn: (still confused) Good recall, boy, but I don't…
Trent: Come with me.
(Scene: Lawndale football field. Music: "Enjoy The Silence" by Depeche Mode. Trent's car pulls up and Lynn and Trent get out.)
Lynn: What the hell happened? The school burn down or something?
Trent: Peaceful protest. They're having a silent sit-in to get you reinstated at Lawndale. Only rules are, you've gotta wear a shirt with that word on it, and that you can't say ANY words. They're gonna sit there until you get brought back or they get dragged off.
Lynn: (wide-eyed) Really? Whoa. (beat; ironically) Do you think a bunch of scruffy kids can make a difference?
Trent: Hey … it worked in the Sixties.
(Lynn raises an eyebrow, then removes her jacket. It looks like her customary grey high-necked T-shirt, but it is now shown to be custom-printed, reading "F*** 'Em & Their Law." She gives Trent Daria's Mona Lisa smile.)
Lynn: I wear this whenever I'm feeling down. (beat) Serendipitous, if you ask me.
Trent: Go for it. I've gotta go pick up some food for Janey and the others.
Lynn: Yeah … um … (very quiet) Thanks.
Trent: (just as quiet) You too. And … um … if this thing comes off … put in a word, okay?
Lynn: (blushing but mischievous) So long as, if I ever ask you to do the same, you do it, no questions asked.12
Trent: Deal. (He gets into the car and drives away. Lynn faces the football field.)
Lynn: (to herself) Well, here goes my educational career … one way or the other. (She starts across the football field.)
(Scene: Lawndale High football field. Music plays on. The protesters are still sitting there, not bothering anyone. There are police officers standing around a couple of squad cars on the street bordering the field. Ms Li is shrieking at them.)
Li: Get those Neo-Hippies OFF my football field!
Cop 1: As far as we're aware, Ma'am, that field is public property. No law against them sitting in it.
Cop 2: Anyway, we can't force 'em off. Technically speaking, if we try to remove them, we're in it up to our necks for assault.
Cop 1: That one there, with the glasses and the big boots, that you say got this bunch together? That's the daughter of one of this state's most prominent lawyers. I don't want that woman on my case if we bruise her first-born.
Li: Are you saying there's NOTHING you can do? What are my tax dollars GOING towards?
Cop 2: Ma'am, I would try to reconsider your position here. I mean, you won't tell anyone why these people are protesting, and the nature of their protest seems to prevent them saying anything about it, but from what I can see, this is a bunch of smart, well-off kids from good homes with a genuine complaint against the system. While I'd hate to see the freaks with guns telling me what I should and shouldn't do in violent protest, I think kids who can protest like this and are willing to stick it out for the long haul have a genuine complaint.
Cop 1: We'll take our leave of you now, Ma'am. Have a nice day.
(They motion to their comrades, and all the cops get into their cars and leave. Ms Li glares after them.)
Li: They won't stick at it. Just watch. Kids don't have the ATTENTION SPAN for this! (swigs from her flask)
(Scene: Lawndale High football field, night. The only sound is a chorus of crickets. Ms Li still stands there as she watches protesters curled up in sleeping bags or reading by flashlight.)
Li: DAMN! (swigs at the flask again, then throws it at a nearby tree.)
(Scene: Helen's office. For once, Helen is not pacing or shouting but reading through a rather large stack of legal briefs. The phone rings and Marianne picks it up.)
Marianne: Helen Morgendorffer's office… One moment, please. (puts hand over the receiver, turns to Helen) Helen, it's Ms Li, the principal at your daughters' school on line one … something about silent protest?
Helen: (to herself) At least it's legal. (takes phone from Marianne) Hello, Ms Li.
(Split screen between Helen and Ms Li.)
Li: Mrs Morgendorffer, your daughter Daria has instigated some sort of a silent protest and is at this moment cluttering up my football field! I'm not sure what sort of morals you're teaching your daughter…
Helen: (dangerous) I seem to have taught my daughter a few morals like standing up for friends unfairly treated by a woman who seems to have no problem with running pell-mell over student rights.
Li: (flustered) I…
Helen: I don't approve of the use of profanity when addressing one's elders or superiors, but I WILL condone it when provoked. From what I was given to understand, Lynn Cullen was standing up for a fellow student being verbally abused by one of your faculty members, who, as I ALSO understand it, did not receive so much as a reprimand for reducing a student to tears and driving her out of the classroom.
Li: How I conduct my disciplinary matters is none of your affair!
Helen: You'd be surprised, Ms Li. This Lynn Cullen is a friend of my daughter's and, if both Lynn and her parents request that I do so, I will serve as legal council for her when they bring this matter to legal proceedings. Every case I've come across since I heard of this unfortunate matter shows that your overzealous punishing of Lynn Cullen was completely unheard of. There is still such a thing as freedom of speech in this country, Ms Li, and while you can punish by right of in loco parentis, you cannot simply kick a child out of school for losing her temper ONCE. Now I know my daughter and she and her friends will probably stay on your damn football field until Hell freezes over if you don't let the girl back into school and tell them they can all go home. I would suggest you do that or prepare for a lot of away games this year. (hangs up the phone in Ms Li's ear. Single screen again. Helen allows herself a small, triumphant smile.)
Helen: That's my girl.
(Scene: Lawndale High football field, morning. Trent is handing out bagels to Daria, Lynn and Jane.)
Trent: I thought you guys could use these. It's becoming a real long haul. I haven't seen anyone leaving yet, so I guess no one's given up yet. It's really cool how you could lead all these people into a protest of something really unfair, Daria. (turns and walks away.)
(Jane gives Daria a thumbs-up sign and a smug grin.)
(Daria mimes aiming a gun at Jane.)
(Lynn gives an indulgent smile at the two, knowing what she knows.)
(Ms Li appears on the field with a megaphone.)
Li: ATTENTION, PROTESTING STUDENT BODY! I HAVE AGREED TO REINSTATE LYNN CULLEN AS A STUDENT OF LAWNDALE HIGH! I CANNOT WAIVE ALL PUNISHMENT, BUT INSTEAD OF EXPULSION, SHE WILL BE DISCIPLINED BY THREE WEEKS OF DETENTION! SOME OF YOUR PARENTS HAVE CALLED AND ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOU, SO PLEASE GO DIRECTLY HOME AND LET YOUR FAMILIES KNOW THAT YOU ARE SAFE! THAT IS ALL!
(A cheer rises from the protesters – the first sound any of them have made since it started.)
Lynn: Wow. Maybe I was a little harsh about scruffy kids making a difference.
Daria: I have the feeling that it was the non-scruffy element that won this one. I mean, what police officer in his right mind wants to risk bruising the precious son or daughter of a prominent Lawndale businessman or television personality?
Lynn: Or lawyer. (suspicious) How much did your mother have to do with this, Daria?
Daria: Probably more than I care to know. But never mind. The important thing is that your mother won't tear your throat out when she comes home from Brussels next week.
Lynn: And you get to watch as I tear this school to shreds before I leave.
Daria: Looking ever forward to it.
Lynn: (narrowed eyes) I'm sure she was threatened into reinstating me. One of these days, though, I'm going to get her out of that power seat and behind bars where she belongs. (casual) Want to help?
Daria: Provided it doesn't interfere with my nap schedule.
Lynn: (little laugh) Well, there we are. Look, you'd better scram. Your mom'll give you hell.
Daria: Nope. She's working late … again.
(Scene: Daria's room. Daria enters to find a small package on her bed, with a note attached. She glances at the note. We hear Helen's voice narrating it.)
Helen: (VO) Dear Daria, sorry about the working late AGAIN, but when I get home I'd like to hear about your silent protest. It sounds a lot like the things that your father and I used to do when we were about your age.13 I came home at lunchtime because there was something I wanted you to have as soon as you got home. It meant a lot to me when I was a teenager, and it does now. I know that, whether you wear it [as I hope you will] or toss it into a drawer, you'll at least keep care of it for me. It'd be nice to have it passed on to the next generation. Love, Mom.
(Daria opens the package and pulls out a medallion on a very long silver chain. On one side is a purple peace sign. On the other is a yin/yang. Daria looks at it for a moment, considering.)
Daria: (thought VO) Their sunny 60s optimism tends to cancel out my bitter 90s cynicism. (beat) Ah, what the hell.14
(With that, she puts the necklace on and drops the charm under her sarcastic-reading T-shirt. She smiles, then switches on the television.)
TV: You think YOUR teenager's bad; check out THIS family's pride and joy! Prodigal sons from Purgatory, next on Sick Sad World!
Daria: It gets worse and worse every season.
ENDNOTES
1] Lynn perhaps doesn't want to spill the beans about what Trent mistakenly told her in "Trick-or-Trent".
2] Quote lifted wholesale from Macbeth.
3] See "Pinch Sitter" for the tone that one's said in. Of course, in that case, she was right. Which proves that even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
4] I elaborated a little after Austin Loomis' prose adaptation, but I had Daria be vague in the original because I didn't think she was an overall Python buff and didn't think she'd necessarily remember the 'anarcho-syndicalist peasant' bit.
5] The Tommy Sherman Memorial Goalpost is seen in "The Daria Diaries". The dumb jock got crushed by a collapsible goalpost in "The Misery Chick". He didn't deserve to die, but he wasn't very nice.
6] It's easy to tell that Lynn has rapidly replaced Daria as her least favourite student – if her wisecracks in "A Meeting of the Brains" hadn't done it, her behaviour in "Poetic Injustice" certainly would have.
7] In "It Happened One Nut", Helen's immediate assumption on getting a call from Jane is that she needs a criminal lawyer. She can't really think that Jane's a 'good girl'.
8] I own this T-shirt. Great to wear when you're having a really bad day.
9] The T-shirt reads: "Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a big f***ing television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disk players and electrical tin openers... choose DIY and wondering who the f*** you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on the couch, watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f***ed-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life." I have the poster.
10] I introduced alcohol as an element to Ms Li's personality in "A Meeting Of The Brains". The recurrence of the hip flask is supposed to be an indicator that the 'deviants' are driving her to drink.
11] 'That night' would mean the events of "Trick-or-Trent".
12] As we may remember from "A Meeting of the Brains", Lynn has a bit of a crush on Max Tyler, the Mystik Spiral drummer.
13] We get that impression in "That Was Then, This Is Dumb".
14] A more blatant reference to "TWTTID". But I must credit Austin Loomis, the Quotemaster, for coming up with the parallel first. I just … created yet another of those vicious 'things'.
LEGAL BLATHER
Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company [created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn]. Lynn Cullen was created and is owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I've credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don't sue me – it's not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic [tell me where it is, though, please] but if you want to use my character, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.