(Opening sequence. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck", Splendora.1
Ms Li's office. Daria and Lynn looking at each other with identical looks of assessment and deadpan curiosity.
Cullen house, exterior. A small, thin redhead in a blue flack-jacket and black jeans drops to his knees and begins to salaam to Daria and Lynn, who are peering out an upstairs window.
LHS classroom. Daria, Jane and Lynn stand in a doorway, smirking. Jane carries a Polaroid camera.
Lane house, exterior. Daria, wearing a white peasant blouse, green half-corset, black skirt and black cloak with green satin lining [no glasses] stares in shock at Lynn, who wears an identical outfit bar the colour of the cloak lining and half-corset [purple] and an equally shocked look.
LHS corridor. Daria and Jane watched with bemusement as DeMartino drags a screaming Lynn past them by her ear.
LHS gymnasium. On a stage rigged at one end, Trent rams his guitar through a bass drum.
Science lab. The redhead, wearing safety goggles, pushes a button and ducks under the desk an instant before the model of Lawndale High that graces that desk blows up.
LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and the redhead watch, smirking, as Ms Li is dragged down the hall handcuffed to a policeman. A camera crew whose equipment bears the Sick Sad World logo follows behind them.
Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"
RUN AWAY FROM HOMECOMING
A Daria fan fiction – Episode 1:04 of the Look-Alike Series
(Scene: Lynn's room. Music: "We Care A Lot" by Faith No More. Jane is sketching; she seems to be a bit morose and embarrassed. Daria is on-line on Lynn's computer [ask me the make and I shoot you all]. Lynn is reading: "1001 Ways to Manipulate the Working Mother" and making notes in the margins in pencil.)
Daria: What's that URL again?
Lynn: (barely looking up from her book) Subversion-underscore-is-underscore-we dot co dot UK forward-slash booklist – one word – dot html.2
Daria: (turning around in her chair to face Lynn) British?
Lynn: (waves pencil in the air vaguely; doesn't look up) For the best in nonconformity and subversion, buy British. They have to be experts because they don't have a constitution or anything and the only rights they have are the ones the government hasn't taken away yet. Anarchy in the UK – as sung by the Sex Pistols – is alive and well. The punk movement started there, you know.
Daria: (smirking) And once it got to the States…
Lynn: (still not looking up but smirking) Can you say "sell-out", boys and girls? I knew that you could.3
(Pause as Daria types in the URL and looks at the page. Jane looks a bit uncomfortable at the words 'sell-out' but says nothing.)
Daria: (monotone) If it wasn't so out of character for me, I would laugh with delight and jump for joy at what I am reading off this list of books.
Lynn: (little smile) Good, isn't it. (beat) Hey, they're having a three-for-the-price-of-two sale on the '1001 Ways to Manipulate…' series. You might find something useful there.
Daria: (smirk) Like I haven't got enough practice at that already. (reads) Working mothers… (beat) radical feminists… (beat) fashion victims – ooh, I'll have to order that one… (beat) sensitive new-age men… (beat – then, incredulously) airport security personnel?
Lynn: (casual) Select clientele.
(beat)
Daria: Yeah, but "1001 Ways to Manipulate World Leaders"?
Lynn: (still casual) VERY select clientele.
(Jane, looking more and more guilty by the second, finally looks up from her sketch. She surveys her friends for a moment, and then…)
Jane: (hesitant) Um … guys?
Lynn: (mocking but friendly) It speaks! (beat) And to impart a guilty secret, from the sound.
Jane: (more hesitant) Ms Defoe asked me to design the junior class float for the homecoming parade.
Daria: (small smirk) Shame I missed that.
Lynn: (deadpan) Yeah, right. Homecoming. Testosterone-fuelled propaganda-fest perpetuated by the school in the name of selling hot dogs at football games. Boola-boola for the home team. Rah-rah, sis boom blah.
Daria: (thought VO) Not "Sis-boom-bah-humbug"? I'm almost disappointed.4 (aloud) So what sharp negation did you come up with to deter Defoe?
Lynn: (thoughtful) I find that "when pigs fly" works, if you say it in JUST the right tone. Better than profanity by a wide margin, if you get the sarcasm levels right.
Jane: (sheepishly) I said yes.
(There is a pause. Daria & Lynn look incredulously at Jane; it's obvious that they are desperately trying to think of something nice to say … or at least something inoffensive to say.)
Daria & Lynn: (unison. flat) Oh.
Jane: (defensive) I know how twisted it sounds, okay? But I had no choice! Defoe found my Achilles Heel!
Lynn: An intense, almost obsessive desire to display your creative abilities and have your unique brand of talent praised by the masses … be they ever so unwashed and uneducated?
Daria: A previously undeclared love of crepe paper in blue and yellow?
Jane: (angry; she's obviously known that this would be the reaction, but it still stings) Knock it off! (beat; quieter) She said it would look good on any art school application if I did something creative for school. I mean, it's not like my 'Students at the Dawn of a New Millennium' poster will get any credit. And Quinn got credit for the Jackson Pollack theme to the school dance, so...5
Daria: (monotone) Of course. I understand.
Lynn: (monotone) If it is your will that I do so, I shall cease my mockery.
Jane: (relieved) Cool. (beat) Oh, hey, I've got to go. I promised Trent I'd wake him up this afternoon.
Lynn: (back to her book; fake casual but at least a little interested) When did you last see Trent awake, out of interest?
Jane: (thinks) Tuesday. I think.
Lynn: (smirk) If I don't mock you, can I mock HIM?
Jane: (answering smirk) I wouldn't do that if I were you. Daria has access to your computer and a clear line to reformat your hard drive if you mock her wannabe.
(Daria scowls but does not look up from the screen)
Lynn: (casual) Let her. It's just a few bits of software – easily reinstalled. And anyway, I've backed up all my irreplaceable work onto zip disc. A team of narcs tearing up my room wouldn't turn it up. (beat) Subversion_is_we's book of the month selection for July was "Hideaway – Places to Stash Incriminating Evidence That Even FBI Agents Wouldn't Suspect!" (beat) Best five bucks I ever spent.
Jane: (chuckles. She sounds a lot like Trent doing his laugh/cough thing.) See you later. (exit)
(There is a pause.)
Daria: (still absorbed with screen) Ouch.
Lynn: (still absorbed in book) Yeah.
(Scene: Science classroom. Ms Barch is pacing up and down at the front of the room, talking into a cell phone. Actually, more like screeching into a cell phone. Jane & Lynn are sitting with the rest of the class. Jane is doodling on the cover of her notebook with a bottle of white-out. Lynn is reading "Let's Get Pyromanic! A Do-It-Yourself Guide to Home-Made Firebombs!" We see there are two desks empty.)
Barch: What do you MEAN, you're paying less alimony? If you'd paid ANY attention to me over our TWENTY-TWO THANKLESS YEARS of marriage, you'd KNOW how little I make! Or is it just that you want more to spend on the little blonde TRAMP you call a WIFE?
Lynn: (immersed in book) She is woman, hear her roar.
Jane: (caught up in doodle) She is woman … see the blood flow as she tears her victim's head off.
Lynn: (matter-of-fact) Humans spurt. In time to their dying heartbeat. It's an arterial thing. The carotid's a big one, too. If you get the carotid artery, blood spurts hard enough to hit the ceiling.
(beat)
Jane: How can you know stuff like that – and read about bomb-making – and STILL have a C average in science?6
Lynn: (casual) I only know science as it relates to torture. No school in the country will specialise in pain. (beat; disappointed) Believe me, I've looked EVERYWHERE.
Kevin: (looking around) Hey, where's Mack Daddy? We're supposed to be talking about the game now!
(Scene: Highway somewhere in Lawndale. Looks peaceful … until the sound of a car accelerating fills the scene. Mack's car shoots by.)
(Scene: Car's interior. Mack driving, a madly frightened look on his face. Jodie is sitting beside him, looking no less panicked.)
Mack: Why'd you have to spend so much time at the library anyway?
Jodie: Trying to decide between books on politics – to get Dad off my back – or books on economics – to get Mom off my back. Can't this heap go any faster?
Mack: And the mall. We just HAD to stop at the mall, didn't we.
Jodie: New SAT study guides are in. Had to get them.
Mack: During lunch? They wouldn't still be there after school?
Jodie: Look, just drive! (beat; mutter) If I'm late for Barch's class, my reputation will be ruined.
Mack: You're lucky! If I'M late for Barch's class, she'll eat me alive! (swerves into fast lane; narrowly misses clipping a bright yellow VW Beetle)
Jodie: Watch out!
(Mack lays on the horn. HONK, HONK!)
Mack: Get off the road!
(Scene: Science class again. Barch still "roaring".)
Barch: Look, you despicable MALE, I don't know what you and that male chauvinist PIG you call a DIVORCE LAWYER have cooked up, but you're NOT going to get away with it! Now get OFF the line! I have responsibilities that I can't run from … not that YOU'D understand the concept!
(Switches off cell phone. All the boys in the class are wearing "we're in for it now" expressions.)
(Scene: Jodie & Mack are running down a corridor of Lawndale High.)
(Scene: Ms Barch's class. Class is staring at her.)
Barch: Right, class … we're going to have a little test. All those who fail it fail the quarter as well. Let's start with the girls…
Lynn: (raises her hand) Excuse me?
Barch: What is it, dear?
Lynn: The bell hasn't rung yet.
(Scene: Jodie sprints for the door of Ms Barch's class, with Mack hot on her heels.)
(Scene: Ms Barch's class. The instant before the bell starts ringing, Jodie bursts through the door of the room. Barch shuts the door before the bell stops ringing, hitting Mack in the nose.)
Barch: (yells through door) YOU FAIL! (back to class, placid expression) All right, now … Lynn.
Lynn: (sighs. She knows she won't get the right answer to anything Barch asks.)
Barch: Give me three ways to permanently injure a man, with complete and graphic physiological detail.
Lynn: (surprised and pleased expression)
END ACT 1 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Barch slamming the door in Mack's face.]
ACT 2
(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Zero" by Smashing Pumpkins. Jane looks a bit glum. Daria & Lynn wear their usual stoic expressions. They are picking at a plain cheese pizza.)
Jane: (morose) So Barch locks him out of the room and flunks him. He's lost his sports eligibility two weeks before homecoming.
Lynn: Then she asks me to give her three ways to permanently hurt a man. In graphic detail. She took notes all the way through.
Daria: So the Lawndale Lions have lost their captain. Who's taking his place?
(Enter Kevin and Brittany. Kevin looks proud and extremely pleased. Brittany does not look like her bubbly self.)
Kevin: All right! I'm the QB! AND I'm the captain too!
Brittany: (insincerely) I'm proud of you, Kevvie.
Kevin: Hey, what's wrong, babe? I mean, I know Mack Daddy can't play and that's pretty sad, but you're going out with the captain AND the QB! And no one can get jealous!
Brittany: I AM glad, babe! It's just … are you SURE you're up to being captain AND QB? I mean, they're both SUCH big jobs and…
Kevin: Aw, babe, I know what you're thinking.
Brittany: (surprised) You do?
Kevin: Sure, and don't worry. (beat) I'll have PLENTY of time for you!
Brittany: (sigh) That's great, Kevvie. I … um … I just have to talk to Daria for a minute. She PROMISED to give me more art tips.7
Kevin: Sure, babe. Cheeseless?
Brittany: You know me SO well, Kevvie! (Kevin saunters away, & Brittany approaches Daria, Lynn & Jane)
Lynn: Living pudding alert.8
Daria: Wonder what she wants. I never promised her art lessons.
Jane: Beats me.
Brittany: Um … you three are, like, good at fooling people and stuff, right?
Lynn: We are well-known for our prowess at the art of manipulation, subversion and deviation from the path of veracity. It is our raison d'être.
Brittany: (hair-twirling thing) Huh?
Daria: Yes.
Brittany: Oh, good. I was just wondering if you could … um … try to talk to Ms Barch and get Mack Daddy back as captain.
Daria: Why would YOU want Kevin to give up his position as quarterback AND captain?
Jane: Yeah. I thought you'd be pleased that your boyfriend's gone up in the world.
Lynn: That makes you even more popular, after all.
Brittany: There's nothing sadder than a cheerleader cheering for a losing team. We'd be bigger losers than the football team if we lost! And … um … Kevvie's not really all that good at planning things.
Lynn: And I thought that no one but her family doctor would ever hear her say that.
Brittany: (hair-twirling) Huh?
Daria: Never mind. Why should we help you?
Brittany: Um … I could pay you!
Daria: We do have SOME standards. (beat) When it suits us.
Jane: How much?
Lynn: Jane?
Jane: Well, I don't want Lawndale to lose either. If I support the damn team with my float design, I want them to win.
Daria: Point taken. How much?
Brittany: Um … I don't know … I'll tell you at lunch tomorrow if you promise you'll do it.
Lynn: We'll consider it and get back to you when you've put a price on this bit of work.
Brittany: Deal! (bounces away)
Daria: I didn't realise…
Jane: What, that she had so little faith in Kevin?
Daria: No; that she knows how manipulative we are.
(enter Jodie, looking glum)
Jodie: Hey, guys.
Lynn: Hi, Jodie. Hey, where's Mack? Usually you two are joined at the hip when you're in here.
Jodie: He won't come out. He's never failed anything before and it's really getting to him. That's why I'm here. I was hoping you two could help him get his sports eligibility back.
Daria: (to Lynn & Jane) I'm feeling a strong sense of déjà vu here.
Lynn: Why are you taking such an interest in this?
Jodie: Because it's my fault. I talked him into taking me to the library and the mall at lunchtime. If I hadn't told him that I wanted to spend some more time with him, he NEVER would have been late for Barch's class.
Jane: He wasn't. Barch shut the door before the bell stopped.
Jodie: (bitter) Like that matters to her. The system sucks.9
Daria: That's the spirit.
Jodie: So will you help him?
Lynn: What's it worth to you?
Jodie: Money?
Daria: We have ways of getting money. It's a last-resort option; what else have you got?
Jodie: Money … and for you, Daria, a promise. No attempts to get you involved for extracurricular activities for the rest of the semester.
Daria: For the rest of my time at Lawndale High.
Jodie: Until the end of spring break.
Daria: For the rest of my junior year. And no acceptance without negotiation of the cash fee.
Jodie: Deal. I'll get what cash I can together and talk to you about it tomorrow at lunch.
Lynn: We have a prior engagement during lunch. How about after school, same time and place?
Jodie: All right. And thank you for at least considering doing this for me. (exit)
Lynn: I think we've painted ourselves into a corner here, ladies.
(Scene: Jane's room. Daria has a notepad and a pen. Jane is sitting cross-legged on the floor. Lynn has a copy of "1001 Ways to Manipulate the Radical Feminist".)
Daria: Any ideas?
Lynn: Well, it says here "In the situation where you are negotiating for a third party, blackmail never hurts. That way, even if there is a male somehow involved in the situation, the radical feminist has incentive to see things your way."
Jane: But how can we blackmail Barch?
Lynn: There's an entire section on "Hot and Heavy – The Feminist Libido". Seems to indicate that a feminist's sex drive is her weakest point.
Jane: Who would have Barch, though?
(Scene: Ms Barch's room, night. Music: "With or Without You" by U2. Ms Barch is sitting at her desk, opening a bottle of champagne and pouring it into two coffee mugs. Enter O'Neill, looking nervous.)
O'Neill: Are you sure we should be doing this? I mean…
Barch: Of course we should. After all, we're supposed to enjoy our jobs (mutter) although how they can expect us to with all those testosterone-driven monsters is beyond me… (back on the subject at hand) And if our jobs don't fulfil us … at least when we look at our desks, we'll have the memories to make us smile. (hands O'Neill a mug) To us.
O'Neill: (smiles) To us. (they drink)
Barch: (tossing her mug on the floor, where it shatters) That's enough of that. Come to mama, big boy…
(As seen in "The Daria Hunter" and "Fair Enough", Barch grabs O'Neill and pulls him down out of the shot. But they shoot back up again quickly when a flash goes off in their faces.)
Barch: What the hell…
(We are treated to a shot of the door, where Jane is standing with her Polaroid camera. Daria and Lynn flank her like a pair of bookends. They wear identical smirks.)
Lynn: What did I tell you? You CAN believe everything you read.
Daria: We got what we came for.
Jane: Bye. Carry on. (all three exit)
(O'Neill and Barch look after the girls for a moment. Then O'Neill begins to cry.)
END ACT 2 – ADVERTS [Lead-in: Daria, Jane and Lynn standing in the doorway, smirking.]
ACT 3
(Montage sequence. [Sorry, but I LIKE them!] Music: "Sellout" by the Levellers.
Lynn enters Ms Barch's class and drops her book bag onto Barch's desk. She pulls out a small roll of what looks like black leather. She unrolls it to reveal a set of tools. She takes one, eyes it critically, and then proceeds to pick the lock on Barch's desk.
Daria's room. Daria lays the Polaroid of Barch & O'Neill on a flatbed scanner and pushes a button.
In front of the Lane house. Jane looks critically at a sketch in her notebook. Then she looks at the Tank, upon which she has already built a wooden platform. Trent, Jesse, Nick and Max are standing behind her, seeming to await orders. Max looks distressed at what has been done to his van.
Lynn sits at Barch's desk amid a litter of papers. In front of her is a laptop computer and a small scanner. She selects one at random and then puts into her scanner and pushes a button.
Daria's room. The glare from the computer reflects off her glasses. We have a very vague image of O'Neill & Barch's faces, kissing, reflected on the glasses as well. Daria smirks.
Jane strews a gold streamer over a bright blue tarp and looks at it for a moment. She seems to be struggling to hang it. She looks over her shoulder and sees Trent asleep on the kerb. She picks up a Nerf football [she's hanging lots of them all over her float like Christmas tree ornaments] and pegs it at her brother, who falls over and looks at her scathingly.
Ms Barch's room. Lynn packs her bag, surveys the desk – as clear as when she entered – tests the drawers and smirks. Then walks out.
End montage.)
(Scene: Faculty lounge at Lawndale. Ms Barch is ripping the heads off male action figures in a grim silence. There is a knock on the door.)
Barch: If you're female, come in! If not, stay out if you value your life at all!
(Enter Daria & Lynn.)
Barch: Well, well. What do YOU two want? And where's your camera-happy little friend?
Daria: (ignoring the second question) We'd like you to reconsider failing Michael Mackenzie and revoking his sports eligibility.
Barch: Why should I do ANYTHING for that despicable MAN?
Lynn: Out of the goodness of your heart?
Daria: Because you know that what you did was unfair and you would like to correct a grievous wrong?
Lynn: Or maybe because we have enough evidence against you to have you brought before a school board tribunal. (thought VO) Send us fifteen pounds, please, Mrs Teal, and your husband need never know the name of your lover in Bolton. (sly little smirk)10
Barch: Oh, you mean that little snapshot. I think you're bluffing. Polaroid pictures are notorious for giving bad likenesses – I bet I'm not even recognisable on it.
Daria: (holding up the shot – we're still looking at Barch's face so we can't see it) It's amazing how far technology has come since you were a girl.
Lynn: And you've all but admitted you were on it.
Barch: Your word against mine, girls.
Lynn: (holds up a Dictaphone) Not anymore.
(she rewinds the tape – it makes that ghastly rewinding noise – and then presses play)
Recording: Oh, you mean that little snapshot…
Barch: Those things can be faked.
Lynn: True … but computer scans are a little bit harder. (pulls out a stack of papers and tosses them nonchalantly on Barch's desk) These are your grade sheets for the semester. Note the distinct imbalance. All the girls are pulling really high marks, while the boys are barely passing ... if that.
Barch: Men are known for their stupidity.
Daria: True … but Lynn's had a C average for years.
Lynn: It's kind of a badge of honour for me now.
Daria: How's she doing in YOUR science class, Ms Barch?
(There is a pause. Barch's face goes through a variety of emotions – embarrassment, fear, anger … and then, finally, grudging acceptance and a little admiration.)
Barch: You girls know your stuff. What do you want out of me?
Daria: Mack's sports eligibility returned to him.
Lynn: Give him the test you locked him out of last week. I'm pretty sure he'll pass it – if you're fair this time.
Daria: Then he'll pass the semester and get his sports eligibility back.
Lynn: We're doing you a favour, you know.
Daria: If you let Mack fail, Kevin captains the Lawndale Lions in the homecoming game.
Lynn: Imagine Ms Li's reaction to her school team being led by someone who could probably be outsmarted by his own shoulder pads.
Barch: Point taken. (beat) Now get out of here.
(Daria & Lynn shrug at each other and leave.)
(Scene: Barch's class. Mack is about to leave the class behind the others when Barch stops him at the door.)
Barch: Michael!
Mack: (sigh; dismal resignation) Yeah?
Barch: You want to pass the semester?
Mack: (confused) Yeah…
Barch: Come by after school and I'll give you a make-up test for the one you missed last week.
Mack: (still confused, but pleased as well now) Um … I'll be there! Thanks!
Barch: And you'd better take it fast! (beat) You wouldn't want to miss another day of practice, now would you?
Mack: (shrugs) Guess not. (beat) What made you…
Barch: (snaps) Ask me questions and I reconsider the whole thing. I'm doing this against my better judgement!
(Mack smiles and leaves. Barch puts a hand to her head and groans)
(Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Basket Case" by Green Day. Jane, Daria and Lynn are picking at their traditional pizza.)
Daria: So how's the float coming?
Jane: Pretty good, I think. I'm going for a more abstract approach than the others. The seniors have a big lion, the sophomores made a really big papier-mâché football, and the freshmen made a replica of the football field.
Lynn: And you?
Jane: I just put things representative of Lawndale's football experience. Footballs, shoulder pads, pom-poms, cheerleader underwear…
Daria: Tommy Sherman being crushed by a collapsible goal post?11
Jane: You know me too well. (beat) So how did "Operation Bag-a-Hag" go?
Lynn: We're about to find out.
(Enter Brittany and Kevin. Kevin looks dejected. Brittany, however, is hiding a smile.)
Kevin: But it would have been PERFECT! I mean QB AND captain! Aw, man!
Brittany: Oh, poor Kevvie; I still love you! (as they pass, Brittany slips two envelopes onto the table between Daria & Lynn; whispers) Thanks!
Lynn: What did we decide on, price-wise?
Daria: $50. Each.
Jane: Whoa! Does this mean that the Montana Cabin Fund is back on track?12
Daria: Looks like … if I don't spend it all at Subversion_is_we first.
Lynn: It's addictive, isn't it.
(Enter Mack and Jodie. Both are wearing relieved smiles.)
Jodie: Hey, Daria. Hey, Lynn.
Mack: I wanted to thank you for sticking up for me with Ms Barch.
Daria: How was your test?
Mack: Not as hard as some of the others, actually. I think she's getting soft. (takes out two envelopes. Jodie does the same) Jodie said she was going to pay you, but I wanted to do my part as well. I don't know what you two did, but it must have been something.
Lynn: (taking her envelopes) Happy to be of service. Oh, here's something for you. (takes a disc out of her pocket and hands it over) In case she ever gives you trouble again. Or, in the case of the jpegs, just for laughs.
Mack: (confused, but takes the disc) Cool.
Jodie: Thanks again, you two. (exit Mack and Jodie)
Jane: You two are beyond help, aren't you?
Lynn: (smirk) And proud of it.
Daria: Was that copies of all the blackmail material we had on Ms Barch?
Lynn: And one ace in the hole (pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Daria)
Daria: (wide eyed) Where did THIS come from?
Lynn: I installed a camera on a timer in Ms Barch's classroom before we arrived. Obviously things heated up after we left.
Jane: Where was the camera?
Lynn: Hidden in the chalk gutter of the blackboard. You can tell by the angle.
Daria: How come they didn't notice?
Lynn: (produces a VERY small camera from her pocket) THIS is how come.
Jane: This is professional! Where'd you get it?
Lynn: Would you believe … MI6_Factory_Rejects.co.uk?
(Daria & Jane stare at Lynn.)
Lynn: Come on, you HAD to expect it.
(Scene: Mack is in his room, sitting at his computer. Music plays on. He inserts the disc and clicks on the icon for "Bmail3.jpg")
(Scene: Outside of the Mackenzie house. Over the music, we hear Mack's laughter.)
END
ENDNOTES
1] Okay, those of you who've read the series before know what these are from. Don't spoil it for the others.
2] I've had several queries as to whether this is an actual URL. As far as I am aware, it's not. But it should be. In any case, Yui Daoren found the equivalent - http://www.loompanics.com/online-store/scstore/index.html
3] I took a lot of flack for this comment. Look, talk to my imagination, who made the character who has no respect for new punk unless it's Offspring.
4] Daria's comment on cheerleading from "The Daria Diaries". I prefer the other one, which I think came from a Peanuts strip. Austin used it in his prose adaptation but I elaborated.
5] From "Arts 'N Crass" and "Daria Dance Party" respectively.
6] Lynn's C science average is stated out front in "A Meeting Of The Brains".
7] One demonstration of one-point perspective got her invited to Brittany's party in "The Invitation".
8] This comes from "The Daria Database", in the Family Portraits section – Brittany's job description.
9] Said a la Jane from "Arts 'N Crass".
10] Austin Loomis' Monty Python quote from his prose adaptation of this fic.
11] Justice for the big evil jock from "The Misery Chick".
12] The Montana Cabin Fund, noted in "The Daria Database", suffered a killing blow in "The Things We Do For Dough" when her mother went gung-ho about saving for her college education.
PROTECTIVE STATEMENT
Daria and related characters owned by MTV, a Viacom company [created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn]. Lynn Cullen was created and is owned by Janet "Canadibrit" Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. I've credited Monty Python in the endnotes and given all song titles with the names of the bands that played them. Don't sue me – it's not worth it. Feel free to archive this fic [tell me where it is, though, please] but if you want to use my characters, ask first or I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.