THIS IS SPINAL CRAP (Thanks to AlexD for the title suggestion) A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story (Part of the "Daria: the OAV's" Series) by Peter W. Guerin ================================================================ With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Mort Walker and George Lucas. ================================================================ AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER ================================================================ None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity within the "Daria: the OAV's" series, this story takes place after the events of "Booted!" All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All "Beetle Bailey" characters are (c) 1953, 1999 King Features Syndicate, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All "Star Wars" characters are (c) 1977, 1979, 1983, 1999 Lucasfilm, Ltd./ Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corporation, a News Corporation company. All Rights Reserved. ================================================================ A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT ================================================================ Endnotes in this docuement are in parenthetical citation format. The number in parentheses refers to the appropriate endnote number in the endnotes section of this document. ================================================================ ACT 1-0-0! 1-0-0! 1! SOS! ================================================================ ("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play, and we see Daria not laughing with the rest of the crowd at a movie theater at a funny scene. At gym class, during a volleyball game, Daria and Jane let the volleyball get past them, while Samantha Morris, the gym teacher, scowls at them. Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker; Daria gets out a "panic alarm", consisting of compressed air that lets out an ear-piercing blast when activated. Kevin and Brittany clear out as Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria and Jane let the volleyball go past them again, causing Ms. Morris to scowl at them again. At a funeral, Jake, Helen and Quinn are crying over the casket, while Daria--still in her usual outfit--calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "JUDGE IMPLICATED IN BRIBERY SCANDAL" on the front cover. Finally, at gym class again, Ms. Morris is yelling at Daria and Jane for not participating when Daria takes the volleyball, spikes it, and smashes it into Ms. Morris' face, causing her to drop to the floor. Daria and Jane both smirk sinisterly. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo on an orange background,, below which is the caption "in: 'This is Spinal Crap'" in black Daria script.) (1) ================================================================ Scene 1: Outside of Lawndale High School, Lawndale, 3:15 PM Friday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Trout" by Neriah Cherry. ================================================================ (The bell can be heard ringing, indicating that it's the end of the day. It's also the end of the school year. We now see Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Quinn Morgendorffer [Daria's sister], Stacy Rowe [2] and Andrea Hecuba all emerge from the school. It's been hot, so the gang's been wearing something different. Daria's clad in just her brown T-shirt, white athletic shorts and gray gym shoes, while Jane's wearing a red T-shirt, her black shorts sans the black pantyhose, and white sneakers. Quinn is still wearing that dopey smiley-face T-shirt, but she's wearing blue denim cut-offs and sandals, while Stacy is wearing her hair down, glasses, a faded T-shirt, gray, loose-fitting calf-length shorts and blue sneakers. Andrea is wearing a white A-shirt, red athletic shorts and black sneakers. They head down the sidewalk.) Daria: (Deadpan.) Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last. Jane: Well, at least we're on parole until September. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: So, what does everyone plan on doing this summer? I hope to finish reading the books I have on my "Banned Books I Want to Read List". Jane: Well, hopefully I can convince Mom and Dad to cough up the money so I can go to Woodstock '99; I'll just have to convince Trent and Jesse to take me up there in the "Tank". Daria: Let's just hope it won't be a disaster like Alternapalooza was. Jane: If Mom goes through with her plans to go to Woodstock, New York, like she's been planning to, I might go there myself as well. (3) Quinn: I want to get more serious with my relationship with Jamie--and get a nice, gorgeous tan. In fact, (opening her backpack and pulling out a Cashman's catalog.) I've picked out a nice bikini to do that in. (Shows the catalog to Daria. Fast cut of the picture in the catalog of a woman modeling a pink bikini with a smiley face on each part of the bra top and another one on the bottom. Daria rolls her eyes in a "It figures" kind of way.) Stacy: I want to have some fun, and maybe find some romance. Andrea: I just want to survive this freaking summer. That's all I ask, I swear to Satan. Jane: Odds are, by the time we're back here in September, we're going to be arguing how we failed to fulfill all our plans for the summer. Daria: That's one part of human nature that won't change, unfortunately. Jane: Speaking of which, does anyone know what's up with Sandi, and why she's hanging out with Evan? (4) Daria: Don't ask me; I'm not my sister's keeper. Quinn: You certainly act like you control me at times, Daria. Daria: Nah, I only jerk the leash once in a while to show you who's boss. (Smirks that Mona Lisa grin while Quinn just scowls.) ================================================================ Scene 2: The track and field facilities at High Hills Park, Lawndale, 9:00 AM Saturday. Background music: the opening synthesizers and "Do-do-do-DO-DO-do-DO!" from "Queer" by Garbage. ================================================================ (Sandi Griffin, former President of the Fashion Club [5], is seen wearing a sky blue bikini-style track outfit with the words "ST. LUKE'S LUTHERAN CHURCH TRACK AND FIELD TEAM" written on the sports bra-like top in yellow lettering. She's stretching her legs out, preparing for her practice run. Evan is standing next to her.). Evan: Ready for your first practice run there, Sandi? Sandi: I guess so; I'm almost done with my stretching exercises. Evan: OK; we'll start with the 100 yard dash. (Sandi gets up and goes to the starting blocks. She gets into position. Evan fires a starter's gun, and Sandi runs for the finish line. When she's done, she walks back to Evan.) Sandi: So, how did I do? Evan: Not bad; twelve seconds. Sandi: How am I, like, going to be as fast as Flo-Jo or Mary Slaney? Evan: It'll take time, but I've got every confidence you'll be in peak shape for the upcoming Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K Run coming up. (6) Sandi: Are you sure about that, Evan? Evan: Of course I'm sure. You've got the perfect runner's body, lithe yet strong. Sandi: It's just that given what happened to me, when I went insane and attacked Daria. . .(Trails off, tears begin to form in her eyes.) Evan: Sandi, you have to begin to put the past behind you. What has happened in the past should be best forgotten. (He puts a comforting shoulder on Sandi. She turns around and begins to cry on his shoulder. He pats her on the back.) You heard what your psychiatrist and your parole officer told you. Daria is not your enemy, and neither is Quinn. They never were. Your future begins here. Sandi, you have a very rare opportunity to undo the damage you made in your life and in the lives of the people you touched. Let me help you with that. (He kisses her softly on the cheek.) (Pan right to a shadowy figure hiding beneath some nearby bushes. The person has been studying the scene with interest.) Shadowy Figure: You may have put your past behind you, but I remember all! You are going to pay for what you did to Daria Morgendorffer, and pay you will--dearly! (Laughs sinisterly.) ================================================================ Scene 3: Quinn's room at the Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 2:30 PM Saturday. ================================================================ (Quinn and Candy Kaine, the new Fashion Club President, [7] are hanging out. Quinn is wearing her usual outfit of that dopey pink baby T-shirt with the smiley face on it, jeans and brown shoes. Candy is wearing a white blouse, a tan miniskirt the type Ally McBeal would wear and matching tan high-heeled shoes. Candy is flopped out on the bed, her radiant blonde hair cascading over the edge of the bed like Daria's was when she was lying on Jane's bed in "Quinn the Brain". Quinn is at the nightstand that has her reading glasses and the gumball machine on it. [8] Quinn pushes the lever and gets a gumball out.) Quinn: You want any, Candy? Candy: Nah, you go ahead, Quinn. Quinn: So, like, what do you want to do? Candy: Well, after the grand tour of your place, I doubt that anything could top that. Daria's room is the most interesting, if you ask me. Quinn: (In shock.) What? You actually like that dungeon of a room of hers? Candy: I feel a person's room should reflect the person. It reflects Daria perfectly. Quinn: Let me tell you something, Candy, the padding was not her idea; it came with the place when we moved in. Candy: I might just have mine done up in the same way. Quinn: Listen, Candy, all because David Lloyd George replaced a wall in his country estate in England with a massive sheet of plate glass like Adolf Hitler did in his Berchtesgaden estate doesn't mean you should do something similar and redecorate your room to look like Daria's. (9) (Pauses.) Did I just say what I just said? Candy: (Giggling a bit.) Yes, you did, Quinn. Quinn: EEP! (Candy now smirks evilly. Quinn now blushes in embarrassment.) Candy: Hey, at least you're showing some signs of intelligence for once. (Quinn now goes to beneath her bed. She takes out some pen pal letters, including the partially completed one to the boy in Peru mentioned in "The Daria Diaries". She looks through them and takes out one from a guy in Japan. It's in a yellow bubble-wrap-padded mailer. She takes out something from the envelope. It's a copy of the "Sailor Moon Sailor Stars" soundtrack CD. Candy notices it.) Say, isn't that the "Sailor Moon Sailor Stars" soundtrack CD there? Quinn: Oh, yeah. My friend in Japan Kenji sent that to me. (She goes to her boom box; it kind of looks like Daria's from The Daria Diaries except it's pink with smiley faces on the speaker grilles. She slips the CD in it. She now goes to her closet and gets a keyboard out. She goes to her bed and sits next to Candy. She grabs the remote for the boom box and hits the "PLAY" button while at the same time. The "Sailor Stars Theme" begins to play. Quinn begins to play the song on the keyboard at the same time and begins to sing the Japanese words. Candy is impressed.) Candy: Quinn, how did you learn how to speak Japanese? Quinn: Well, Kenji taught me some, and so did my friend John. (10) The both of them got me hooked on anime. Sailor Moon is one of my favorites. Candy: Well, you haven't seen it all unless you've seen the original Japanese version of it. Did you know that Kunzite and Zoisite are both guys and are gay in the original? Quinn: (Shocked.) No way! Candy: And that Sailor Uranus is a lesbian? Quinn: EWWWWWWWW! Candy: But, seriously, Quinn, you do sing and play very well. Have you thought of perhaps forming a band? Quinn: Are you serious, Candy? Candy: Of course, I am. Quinn: Well, I've never really thought much about it, to tell the truth. Candy: Why not consider it? I've got a few friends who might be interested. Tell you what, sleep on it and let me know tomorrow. Then I can make the proper arrangements. Quinn: OK. Candy: Listen, I've got to go now. You take care now, you hear? (She gets up off the bed and heads out the door.) Quinn: (To no one in particular.) Gee, I didn't think I had that much talent. ================================================================ Scene 4: The football field at High Hills Park, 4:00 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Tomorrow" by Silverchair. ================================================================ (Practice is being held for the Tri-County Greenjackets, a semi-pro football team with the Heartland Football League. Kevin Thompson, the high school star quarterback, is seen wearing the Greenjackets' uniform of green jersey, yellow pants and yellow helmet with a white Green Bay Packers "G" in a green oval on it. He's about to run a practice play.) Kevin: 43! 54! 49! HUT! HUT! HUT! (The play commences. Kevin fades back for the pass, but then fumbles the ball. Coach George Gibson [who also coaches the high school football team] approaches.) Gibson: Kevin, you idiot! You messed up the play again! How many times are you going to do that? Kevin: Gee, Coach, I didn't do it on purpose. (Gibson lets out a primal scream, and begins to rip his hair out.) You know, Mr. D does the same thing when he gets angry at me. Gibson: Kevin Thompson, one of these days, you're really going to mess up things so frigging bad, it's going to cost you--dearly! Kevin: Like, you're not going to kick me off the team or anything like that, are you? Gibson: No, that would be too merciful. Perhaps the firing squad more suits you! (Grits his teeth. Kevin flinches.) Kevin: WHOA! Back off, Coach! I'm not that bad. Gibson: (Realizing he's not going to get anywhere with Kevin.) All right, people, that's it for practice today! Be back here at two o'clock tomorrow for some more practice. Don't forget our home opener against the Gloves Cities Colonials (11) is one week from tonight. Hit the showers! (The team prepares to go. Kevin is met up with Brittany Taylor, his girlfriend, who also happens to be a Greenjackets cheerleader as well as a high school cheerleader. She's wearing that same yellow mini-skirt, except with green pleats instead of blue, and a green sweater with a yellow "G" emblazoned on it.) Brittany: (Twirling her hair again.) MMMM, Kevvy, Coach Gibson really got on your case today. Kevin: I know, I know. You know, if it's going to be like this at college, maybe I'll just head right to the NFL after high school. Brittany: Do you think that's wise, Kevin? Kevin: Hey, Allen Iverson and Kobe Bryant joined the NBA straight from high school, and they took a lot of high school players in the Major League Baseball Amateur Draft. Brittany: But, they're exceptions to the rule, Kevvy. You should at least get two years of college under your belt; after your sophomore year, you can always declare yourself eligible for the draft. Kevin: Why didn't I think of that earlier? Thanks, babe! (They embrace and begin to French kiss.) (Pan away from them to see Daria and Jane just happening to walk past them on the opposite side of the fence surrounding the football field, next to a sidewalk.) Daria: As Quinn herself would say, (Keeping her usual deadpan monotone.) "Eww." Jane: And she doesn't mind if Kevin sticks his tongue in her mouth. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: Now, tell me again, Jane, what are we doing here, anyway? This place doesn't give me too many fond memories. (12) Jane: We were supposed to meet Andrea here so she can give you some more of her strips before she attends the nightly Satan worship. (13) Daria: Now I remember. Got the garlic and stakes handy just in case? Jane: Aw, man! I left them back at the house! (Smirks evilly again.) Daria: Then I guess we'll have to call in Vampire Hunter D in, then. Jane: I've got a dress that looks like Doris Lang's; we could dress you up in that and tell him that Count Magnus Lee's bothering you again. (Smirks evilly yet again!) Daria: Do that and you will die, Jane Coyote Lane. (14) Jane: I aim to please. (Smirks evilly again. Daria closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead, admitting defeat.) ================================================================ Scene 5: The living room at the Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale, 8:30 PM Sunday. ================================================================ (Daria, Jane, Quinn, Candy, Stacy, Andrea, Trent and Molly Andrews, the girl Daria and Jane rescued from a beating in the poem "A Girl Like Me", are sitting around the room. It's "Bad Movie Night" again, and this time, they're watching the anime "A Wind Named Amnesia". The scene being shown is the one where Wataru, Sophia, Little John and Sue are at a beach in Los Angeles, and Sue's taken off her clothes [except her panties] and has gone skinny dipping. Jane smirks sinisterly over the scene; Trent, meanwhile, is drinking a beer.) Daria: OK, Jane, what perverted thought has gotten into your mind this time? Jane: Oh, it's just that I've done something like that at the beach a few times. (Trent laughs over that. Daria frowns.) Maybe you should do it sometime, Daria. Daria: Having posed nude for a painting you did of me to give to Trent was bad enough. (15) Quinn: EWWWWW! Jane: Maybe you and Trent should recreate one of my favorite scenes from the movie "Sssssss". (16) Daria: Do you have some kind of death wish today, Lane? (Scowls fiercely now.) Quinn: Guys, let's not start another Kosovo over this, huh? Candy: I went skinny dipping quite a few times back when we were living in Louisiana. That was with my old boyfriend. . .(Suddenly getting angry.) THAT BASTARD! Jane: What was that all about? Candy: (Suddenly calming down.) Sorry, it's just that he was the one who raped me. Didn't I tell you guys that? (17) Daria: You didn't tell us. Candy: Oh, yeah, I forgot. You were in a coma at the hospital at the time after Sandi attacked you. I'm sorry. Daria: For what it's worth, Candy, when I was living back in Highland, Todd sexually assaulted me as well. (18) Candy: I guess we have more in common than you think, Daria. Daria: Yeah, I guess so. Trent: (Finishing his beer.) If you folks don't mind, I'm going to get another beer. (He gets up and goes to the kitchen. Turns and faces Daria.) Hey, Daria, you want a beer? Daria: Not unless I don't mind being grounded by my mother for the next month. Trent: Suit yourself. (He enters the kitchen.) Andrea: So, Molly, your father's supposed to be facing a hearing tomorrow about what he did to you and your Mom? Molly: Not exactly; the trial for Dad's beating Mom and I up won't be until next month. This is going to be a hearing about granting Daria's parents foster parenthood over me while the criminal trial occurs. Daria: I wonder how that is going to turn out. Jane: Maybe Jake and Helen can permanently adopt Molly. Daria: I don't think so. Molly's mom said once the trial's over, she's going to seek a divorce and get sole custody of Molly. She's also going to get an order of protection against him. Jane: Daria, you know those things aren't worth the paper they're written on. Daria: That's where you and I come in. One false move against Molly and I think we'll let him have it with the business end of our boots. (Jane smirks evilly over that thought.) Andrea: Hey, Daria, did you know that the "Lawndale Buzz" (19) has some summer internships open? Maybe you should think about looking into that. I've already got an internship doing the comics section. Daria: Figures. (Trent re-enters with a six-pack of beer.) Trent: Here you go, Janey. (He tosses a can to Jane; she promptly opens it and guzzles it down. Daria looks at her with amazement.) Daria: If Mom saw you right now, she'd freak. Jane: (Pauses from her drinking.) So, let Helen freak. She's not the queen of the world. (Resumes drinking.) (Trent, Candy, Andrea, Quinn and Molly chuckle over that, while Daria closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead in defeat.) ================================================================ Scene 6: The Main Courtroom at the Lawndale Municipal Courthouse, 9:00 AM Monday. Background music: the opening bass lines from "Ball of Confusion" by Sly and the Family Stone. ================================================================ (The room is packed. Eric Schreter, Helen's boss, has decided to represent Jake and Helen, who are seated at the plaintiff's table, along with a woman wearing a green business suit who has brown hair and blue eyes, apparently Molly's Mom. Daria, Quinn, Jane and Molly are seated in the spectators' area. The Morgendorffers, Jane and Molly are wearing their usual outfits, except that Quinn is wearing a modest white blouse, tan tweed skirt, taupe pantyhose and tan high heel shoes. At the defendant's table is a scruffy man with brown hair and beard and blue eyes wearing a prisoner's orange overalls, apparently Molly's Dad; next to him is a man in a blue suit with blonde hair and brown eyes, apparently his lawyer. The bailiff, an old man in a typical brown bailiff's uniform, enters the room.) Bailiff: All rise. (Everyone does.) Lawndale Municipal Court is now in session. The Honorable Katherine T. Feeder, presiding. (20) (Judge Feeder now enters. Molly's Dad's lawyer scowls.) Lawyer: Dammit! I was hoping we'd get Judge Reinhardt! He's open to bribery! (21) Judge Feeder: (Who's obviously heard that remark as she sits at the bench.) Sorry to disappoint you, counselor. (Daria, Jane and Molly smirk sinisterly to each other, while Quinn just rolls her eyes. Judge Feeder now turns to the court clerk, an African-American male.) Mr. Clerk, what is our first case for today? Clerk: The first case on the docket for today is a petition by Jacob Riley Morgendorffer and Helen Marie Morgendorffer to be foster parents of Molly Ann Andrews for six months. (22) Judge Feeder: Are the petitioners present? Eric: Yes, they are, Your Honor. Judge Feeder: Has Molly's mother given her consent in this matter? Molly's Mother: Yes, I have, Your Honor. Judge Feeder: The counselor for the petitioners will now make his case as to why the petition should be approved. (Fast cut to a clock above the bench, which reads some time after 9 o'clock. Fast cut some time later, where the clock is reading about 1:30 PM.) Judge Feeder: (Turning to Molly's Dad.) Mr. Andrews, do you have any words to say in your defense before I render a decision on the petition? Molly's Dad: Yes, I do, Your Honor. Your Honor, I admit I beat up on my wife and my daughter, but it was the alcohol doing it, not me. I admit I messed up, but it isn't my fault. Things have been tough on me since the paper mill in Oakwood closed down. All I want is a second chance, Your Honor. Judge Feeder: This court stands in recess while I make a decision. (Bangs the gavel and steps down from the bench.) (Molly tugs at Daria's sleeve.) Molly: Daria, when will we know what happens? Daria: Soon, hopefully. (About half an hour passes. Judge Feeder now returns.) Judge Feeder: After carefully considering all the testimony, I have decided that Molly's best interests would be to have Jake and Helen Morgendorffer take care of her for the next six months. In this way, Mr. Andrews here can get the help he needs to kick his addiction to alcohol. Therefore, the petition for foster parenthood is approved. (Bangs gavel.) (Molly hugs Daria, while Molly's dad just mopes.) Daria: It's going to be great having you with us for the next six months, Molly. Molly: Daria, it's going to be fun, I just know it. (Smirks that Mona Lisa smile Daria always does, which Daria does back.) Molly's Dad: (To his lawyer.) Now what do we do? Lawyer: The divorce proceedings are what's next. If we play our cards right, you might wind up with custody of Molly after all. Some friends of mine in the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association who specialize in father's rights are going to be helping me with this. Molly's Dad: They'd better. . .(The bailiff takes him away now.) Helen: Thanks, Eric. I owe you one. Eric: No problem, Helen. (Looks around.) I'm surprised that your oldest daughter Daria didn't act up like she did during "Take Your Daughter to Work Day". (23) Jake: That's probably because that money-grubbing Reinhardt wasn't on this case. Helen: (Shrieking.) Who asked you, Jake? Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry, Helen. Judge Feeder: We'll stand in recess for half an hour, then we will hear the other case on the docket today, Schlitz v City of Lawndale, where that idiot Brad Schlitz (24) is suing the city over its zoning laws--yet again! (Bangs gavel, then steps down from the bench. The clerk can't help but chuckle over Feeder's antics. She now approaches Daria, Quinn, Jane and Molly.) Daria, Jane, nice to meet you two again. Daria: Same here. Judge Feeder: So, (pointing to Quinn and Molly.) that's your kid sister and the little girl you saved from a beating there? Daria: (Pointing to Quinn.) Just remember, until pretty recently, Quinn's been telling everyone that I was her cousin. (Quinn rolls her eyes.) Molly: So, what does that make me? Daria: I'll just tell everyone you sprang out of my forehead like Athena did from Zeus. (She, Molly and Jane smirk sinisterly over that, while Quinn rolls her eyes and Judge Feeder laughs a little.) Judge Feeder: Well, Molly, good luck to you. (They shake hands.) Molly: Thanks, Your Honor. (Jake and Helen now approach.) Helen: Daria, we're going to have a late lunch to celebrate. You want to join us? Daria: Sure. Where are we going? Jake: I think there's a Chicken Delicious around the corner from here. Quinn: EWWWW! Greasy foods do a number on my figure! Daria: I'm game, are you, Molly? (Molly smirks.) Jake: Then it's settled! Chicken Delicious, here we come! ================================================================ Scene 7: Chicken Delicious, around the corner from the Lawndale Municipal Courthouse, 2:30 PM Monday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Dancing Days" by Led Zeppelin. ================================================================ (We see that the Landons are already here. Andrew and Michele are at one bench while Jodie and Rachel are at the other, with Evan in a high chair on the side. The Morgendorffers, Jane and Molly enter, and are noticed by Andrew.) Andrew: Hey, Jacob! Nice to see you again! Jake: (Approaching Andrew.) Hey, Andrew, isn't this a surprise! What are you doing here? Andrew: Well, I decided to have a nice family lunch today. Jake: Enjoying the food? Andrew: (Suddenly scowling.) And what do you mean by that remark, Jacob? Are you implying that all blacks eat fried chicken all the time? Jodie: (Closing her eyes and putting her hand to her forehead.) Here we go again! (Evan throws some mashed potatoes that are on his high chair tray at Rachel.) Rachel: MOOOOOOM!!!!! Tell Evan to stop that! Molly: (Observing this and turning to Daria.) Kind of acts like someone we know, huh? (Daria smirks that Mona Lisa smile of hers, while Quinn rolls her eyes.) Michele: How could you say such a racist thing like that, Jake? Jake: But, but, all I asked was if you were enjoying your meal, dammit! (Begins to point angrily at Andrew.) Helen: Jake, dammit, calm down! You know the doctor's told you not to get too stressed out! You could get a heart attack! (25) Daria: Dad, it's not worth blowing a gasket over. Rachel: (To Jodie.) Isn't that Quinn's cousin over there? (26) Jodie: Rachel, Goddammit, Daria is Quinn's older sister! Rachel: Well, you don't have to get fresh with me about it! Michele: Will you two knock it off? Jane: OK, OK, round one is over, return to your respective corners. Molly: (Doing a halfway decent impersonation of Mills Lane from "Celebrity Deathmatch".) LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!! (Quinn now winces in fear, expecting some blows to be traded.) (Suddenly, the manager of the place arrives; he's a fat man with balding brown hair and mustache and wearing a white paper hat and white uniform.) Manager: You're all disturbing our customers! I'm going to ask you to leave at once before I call the police! Helen: Great going, Jake! Jake: But, but, what did I do? (Helen smacks Jake upside the head.) Daria: (To Jane and Molly.) Feel like cutting out of here and getting some pizza? (Jane and Molly smirk evilly. They go with Daria.) ================================================================ Scene 8: Pizza King, Main Street, Lawndale, 3:00 PM Monday. Background music: the opening synthesizer sequence from "Love Island" by Fatboy Slim. ================================================================ (Stacy is seen alone with some pizza. She's talking to herself.) Stacy: The counselor's told me not to make food my enemy. I can eat this pizza and not worry about it making me fat. (27) (Stacy now begins to pick up a piece of pizza. We now see Ted DeWitt-Clinton, the boy from the "New Kid" episode, enter the restaurant. He goes over to Stacy.) Ted: Hey, aren't you Stacy Rowe? I heard a lot about you. Stacy: (Blushing a bit.) Well, I guess when I ran away from Lawndale when they found out about the bulimia, it made the headlines. (Ted sits down next to her.) Ted: Stacy, I know you're going through some rough times right now, but I can help you. I guess you know that my Dad and I grow our own corn. We can drop some off at your place. Eating healthy is very important; that's what my Dad always says. Stacy: That's so sweet of you to offer that, Ted. Ted: Say, one of these days, why don't we go to the video arcade and play that virtual reality game Daria showed me once. It's real neat! Stacy: Sure. This Friday sound OK? Ted: Agreed. (Stacy now kisses him. He blushes a bit.) (Daria, Jane and Molly enter the place. Daria looks at Stacy and Ted and sighs.) Jane: (Imitating Tonto.) What's the matter, kemosabe, the cattle rustlers got away again? Daria: Nah, it's just that it seems that Stacy's fallen in love with Ted, and I can't get anywhere with Trent. You know he told me at the hospital when I was recovering from Sandi's attack that he just wanted to be friends. (28) Jane: Hey, I bet Mr. Right will come your way soon. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: And, in the meantime, Jane, if you start dating someone, I'll kill you. (29) Jane: I hope you will give me the privilege of a last meal before that! (Smirks evilly again, causing Daria to close her eyes and put her hand to her forehead.) ================================================================ Scene 9: Candy's room at the Slobonski (30) residence, 417 Cherry Avenue, Lawndale, 1:00 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (Here we see Candy's house for the first time. Show an exterior shot of a white split ranch house with powder blue trim, then cut to Candy's room. The room has eggshell white walls and a brown-to-yellow plush carpet. On one wall are autographed photographs of the following celebrities: Hockey legend Wayne Gretzky; Terri Hawkes, who does the voice of Sailor Moon on the North American version of the show; the rock band Heart; Markie Post, who played Public Defender Christine Sullivan on "Night Court"; Marshal Wild Windy Bill McKay from the Ghost Town section of the Great Escape/Splahswater Kingdom Fun Park in Lake George, New York, and Rhonda Shear, former host of the Friday night edition of "USA Up All Night". On another wall is a poster of the mock heavy metal band Spinal Tap. On a third wall is a U. S. Defense Mapping Agency chart showing the time zones of the world. On the fourth wall and toward the door are posters for the anime "Macross Plus", "The Guyver", "Project A-ko" and "Sailor Moon". Candy is sitting on her bed, which has a back and armrests so it can double as a bed. She's wearing a lavender tank top, blue denim cut-offs and sandals. The air conditioner in her room is at full blast. Quinn is here; she's wearing that dopey smiley-face T-shirt and that infamous red miniskirt she wore to seduce Kevin with in "The Lab Brat" and has her keyboard. Also with her are some of Candy's other friends. Samantha Kerr has shoulder length brown hair, green eyes and is wearing a simple white T-shirt, jeans and sneakers; she is holding a black-and-white Fender Stratocaster kind of like the one Eric Clapton plays on. Karen Anderson has a black bob hairdo, blue eyes, and is wearing a sky blue summer mini-dress and blue high heels; she is sitting at an electric drum set. Maxine Boggs has a red haircut similar to Jane's, brown eyes and is wearing a gray sports-bra-like top, black knee-length bicycle pants and black canvas sneakers; she is holding a bass similar to the one John Entwhistle was playing late in his career with the Who. Louise Cobb is African-American, with brown eyes, long corn-rowed black hair, and wearing a leopard-print blouse, matching leather-print Capri pants and black high heels; she is at a synthesizer and turntable like the ones used by rap DJ's. Finally, we meet Lita Hanazawa, a Japanese-American with brown eyes, black hair, and wearing a black "Lucious Jackson 1997 Fever In Fever Out Tour" T-shirt, blue jeans and red sneakers; she is also at a synthesizer. Candy gets up and puts in a CD of Fatboy Slim's "You've Come a Long Way, Baby" in the three-disk magazine.) Candy: I'm just so happy all of you could come here today. Samantha: Yeah, sure thing, Candy. Lita: I know you asked us over here and to bring our instruments, but I was wondering why? Candy: Well, I was hanging at Quinn's house when I saw her playing her keyboard and singing. I think she's the missing link we needed to form our band. So, I guess the first order of business would be to think of a name for our band. Quinn: Hey, I know! What about Spiral Taps! (31) Maxine: Nah, sounds too close to Spinal Tap. Louise: What about naming it after one of my heroes, aviatrix Bessie Coleman? Quinn: Who's ever heard of her? For God's sake, most of those old barnstormers are dead, I tell you, dead! Candy: Quinn, Charles Lindbergh's widow is still alive. (32) (Quinn is left speechless over that revelation.) Karen: What about something with a druggie double-entendre meaning like Crystal Method? Quinn: Right, like we should call ourselves Mainlining or Bong. You want the parents to freak? Candy: (Raising her hand up to calm things down.) Let's not go to blows over this, ladies. I just got an idea in my head. Why not call ourselves Makoto? (Everyone is left speechless for a few seconds.) It would be after Sailor Jupiter's real name, Makoto Kino. Quinn: Personally, Sailor Venus is my favorite. She knows how to dress fashionably. Maxine: Wait a minute! I've got it! Why not someone more sinister, like Motoko Kusanagi from Ghost in the Shell? Quinn: Motoko? We might as well call ourselves F. L. I. P. for that matter! (33) Candy: Wait a minute! I like that! Motoko it is! (Everyone grins over that choice; Quinn, however, just shrugs her shoulders over it.) Lita: OK, now why don't we start jamming? Candy: Right. (She hits "PLAY" on the remote control, and "Right Here, Right Now" begins to play. Quinn starts off with the opening notes, gradually Karen begins with the drums, while Lita plays that sitar break on her synthesizer. Quinn sings that "Right here! Right now!" part, then the rest of the band kicks in. They play the song flawlessly. Candy is impressed.) That was great! Why not try another one? Lita: Sure. (She puts in a copy of Lucious Jackson's "Fever In, Fever Out" CD in the player, and cues up "Under Your Skin". They play that perfectly as well, Quinn singing real smooth and sexy. Cut outside, as Jamie White, Quinn's boyfriend, [34] passes by the house along with Jeffy Malone and Joey LaPann. They stop and listen. Joey: Say, isn't that Quinn we hear singing? Jeffy: Yeah, I think so. Jamie: Why don't we stop by and ask. (They now go to the door and ring the doorbell. Stephanie Slobonski, Candy's mother, answers the door. She's got blonde hair streaked with gray, brown eyes, and is wearing a pink blouse and red Capri pants.) Stephanie: Hello, young men. What can I do for you? Jamie: Uh, is Quinn Morgendorffer here? We think we heard her singing. Stephanie: Yes, she is. Please come in. (The trio enter the house. The living room looks modest at first, but as they pass the mantle, we see a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award for Best Actress in a Children's Show as well as a framed nomination certificate for the Daytime Emmy Award for Best Children's Show, and a Gemini Award [the Canadian equivalent of the Emmy] for Best Actress on a Children's Show. The Three J's stop and marvel at the awards.) Jeffy: WHOA! I didn't know she was that well-off! Jamie: Guys, let's get going! (The Three J's join Stephanie as they go up the stairs. Stephanie knocks on the door. Candy answers it.) Candy: Yes, Mom? What can I do you out of? Stephanie: Lana, these three guys want to see your friend Quinn. The Thee J's: Lana? Candy: Long story. (Pauses.) Please come in. (They do so.) Jamie: Uh, hi, Quinn. Jeffy: Yeah, hi. Joey: Hi. Quinn: Gee, what brings you guys up here? Jamie: We heard you singing. Candy: We've formed our own electronica band called Motoko. Quinn's going to be our lead singer. Jamie: Really? Quinn: Yeah, really, guys. (Blushing ever so slightly.) (Maxine notices Joey, and gets closer to him.) Maxine: Hey, you, wanna take a chance on me some time? Joey: You don't beat up people regularly, do you? Maxine: Not unless they deserve it. (Smirks evilly like Jane does.) Jeffy: Uh, Quinn, like, are you guys going to do gigs and record and all that? Candy: We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Why not sit down and listen to them play? Jamie: Uh, sure. (They do so.) Candy: Why don't we play something from Crystal Method next? (She puts in Crystal Method's Vegas CD and cues "Trip Like I Do". Quinn starts out with the opening synthesizer riffs, which segue into the next scene.) ================================================================ Scene 10: Daria's room, 6:30 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (Daria and Jane are watching "Sick, Sad World" again. Show a shot of the TV, which has a shot of a couple of industrial robots like the kind used in Japanese automobile factories playing chess.) "SSW" Announcer: First, it was Deep Blue vs. Gary Kasparov, now it's two robots against each other for the World Chess Championship! Has chess gone too far in letting machines compete for the world title? We'll tell you all about it, next on "Sick, Sad World"! Daria: I say it has. It'll leave all the geeks in the world unemployed. Jane: If they invent a robot that paints as good as a human artist, I might as well throw out my palette! Daria: Speaking of employment, I've been thinking about that internship at the "Lawndale Buzz" that Andrea mentioned about. Jane: Yeah? Daria: Maybe it wouldn't hurt. In fact, I think I'll call them now about it. (She goes to her cell phone and dials a number. Split-screen to show Daria at the left and Monique, the girl Daria met when she was with Trent at the piercing parlor in "Pierce Me". ) Monique: (Answering the phone.) Hello, "Lawndale Buzz". Can I help you? Daria: Monique, is that you? Monique: Oh, you're Daria, right? I remember you. Daria: Anyway, Andrea mentioned about the summer internships you have at the paper. I'm interested in one. Monique: You're just in luck. We have one more position left. It'll kind of be like a roving reporter kind of deal. In fact, we need someone to cover the Tri-County Greenjackets game this Saturday night against the Gloves Cities Colonials. Hope you don't mind covering that. Daria: It's far better than when I was the fashion editor for the high school newspaper back in Highland. Monique: Great. Stop by here tomorrow at our offices at Dega Street, and we'll give you all you need, like your press pass and all that. You're going to enjoy this, Daria. Daria: Sure. Monique: Catch you tomorrow at 9 o'clock then. Bye! (She hangs up. Full-screen shot of Daria doing the same.) Daria: I can't believe this. I got the internship, and the first assignment is to cover our dumb semi-pro football team in action. Jane: It's going to be the home opener. Do you know that Kevin plays on that team when school's out? He's the starting quarterback. Daria: Figures. I'll go to it and cover it, if only to see Kevin make a fool out of himself. Jane: Be careful what you wish for, Daria. Remember what happened when Tommy Sherman visited the school. (35) Daria: Nah, a collapsing goalpost would be too good a fate for him. (Jane smirks evilly over that.) ================================================================ Scene 11: The football field at High Hills Park, 7:30 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Locomotive Breath" by Jethro Tull. ================================================================ (It's time for the game. The Gloves Cities Colonials are wearing white jerseys with red numbers and white pants, and are lined up to kick the ball off. The Greenjackets are in their home uniforms. The kickoff happens, and the game is underway. Cut to Daria in the stands, with her press pass and camera dangling from her neck, with Jane next to her, doing some sketches.) Jane: You know, before they had cameras, newspapers often sent sketch artists to do scenes of the events of the day. That's how Currier and Ives got their start in the lithograph business. (Show a shot of Jane doing a sketch of Kevin, with buck teeth, getting the ball.) Daria: If you think those sketches you're doing are going to fetch thousands of dollars a hundred years from now, don't hold your breath. Jane: Who said I was submitting it to the paper? It's going to be my next project for Ms. Defoe's class. (Smirks evilly, while Daria scowls.) (Kevin snags the ball, and runs up the field with it. He gets tackled.) Daria: It's going to be a long night. (Shot of the scoreboard, which shows 14:45 to go in the first quarter. Dissolve cut to later, when it's reading two minutes to go in the game, and the Greenjackets are losing 42-35. The Jackets are at the Colonials' twenty yard line. Kevin now goes to Coach Gibson.) Kevin: Coach, I think I'm gonna run the ball in. It's the only shot we have at tying the game up. Gibson: Kevin, don't be an idiot! You're running game is off! Pass the ball to MacKenzie, for God's sake! Kevin: Aw, Coach, do I have to? Gibson: You heard me, unless you want to be benched! Kevin: OK, OK. (He goes back to the huddle and turns to talk to Michael Jordan MacKenzie, a/k/a Mack.) Mack Daddy, Coach says for you to fade back for the long bomb. Mack: Stop calling me "Mack Daddy", for Christ's sake! Kevin: Don't get testy with me, huh? (Cut to Daria and Jane in the stands. Daria turns to talk to Jane, but she notices that Jane's looking at something.) Daria: Jane, what are you doing? Jane: Doing a sketch of those two lovebirds over there. (Cut to a shot of Stacy and Ted French kissing.) Daria: Jane, you are so sick at times. (Scowls.) (Cut to the sidelines. Brittany is with the other cheerleaders.) Brittany: OK, girls, let's get the crowd pumped up! (She and the others begin to wave their pom-poms.) Two-four-six-eight! Who do we appreciate! Greenjackets! Greenjackets! Greenjackets! GOOOOOOO, GREEEEENJACKETS! (They leap into the air.) (Kevin breaks the huddle. The Greenjackets now go into formation.) Kevin: 43-24-55-77-HUT-HUT-HUT! (The teams crash into each other. Mack runs out for the pass. Kevin, however, fakes the pass and now bolts for the end zone. He almost makes it, but then is brutally tackled to the ground by two Colonials linesmen. Slow-motion sequence of the moment of impact, where we hear a sickening sound like something is snapping. Resume regular speed as the referee whistles the play dead.) Gibson: What the Hell was Thompson thinking! I'm gonna wrap my hands around his neck! (Mack goes up to Kevin.) Mack: Kevin, what the Hell were you thinking? (Kevin tries to get up, but realizes he can't.) Kevin: Huh? What's going on? I can't get up. Mack: Don't play games with me, Kevin! Kevin: (Being as serious as he can get.) Mack, I'm serious. I can't get up. (He tries to, then lets out a yell of agony. Gibson runs to him, as does Brittany.) Brittany: KEVVY! What's happened? Kevin: I don't know. I can't get up! (Some EMS technicians now approach the field.) EMS Technician # 1: Son, can you move anything? Kevin: I can't move anything below my waist. EMS Technician # 2: We're going to have to take you to the hospital. (Motions to a third EMS technician, who runs to get a gurney.) (Cut to Daria and Jane in the stands.) Daria: What's going on down there? Jane: Seems like Kevin's injured. Daria: If it's his head, it won't be serious. Jane: Daria, I think it's more serious than that. They're strapping him to a board and putting him on a gurney. Daria: What? (She runs to take a closer look. A security person tries to stop her.) Security Person: Hey, no unauthorized personnel allowed on the field during the game! Daria: (Flashes her press card.) Daria Morgendorffer, "Lawndale Buzz". Is that authorization enough, or will I have to make you swallow your rent-a-cop badge? (The security person takes the hint, and lets Daria on the field. She finds Mack.) Mack: Daria, am I ever glad to see you. Daria: Mack, what happened? Mack: That idiot Kevin decided to run the ball in himself instead of passing it to me. Now I won't be surprised if he broke his back--or worse! Coach warned him not to do something stupid! Daria: Oh, man. . .(Her voice trails off. Cut to Kevin being put in an ambulance, which then drives off. Cut to Brittany, with tears running down her face.) ================================================================ Scene 12: A room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 9:30 AM Sunday. ================================================================ (Show a shot of Kevin in bed. His eyes open up. Cut to his point of view, as he sees a doctor standing over him. He has brown hair and gray eyes.) Kevin: (Groggy.) Wuh-wuh-where am I? Doctor: Take it easy, Mr. Thompson. We gave you a sedative for the pain. You were out cold. Kevin: Doctor, what happened? The last thing I remember, I had been tackled at the game, and I couldn't get up. Doctor: We're going to take some X-rays and an MRI today. Right now, it could be as minor as a sprained back, or something more serious like a broken back, a pinched nerve on the spine, a compressed spine or even a severing of the spine. We won't know for sure until we get the results back. Kevin: Doctor, will I be able to walk again? Will I be able to play football again? Doctor: I don't know. If it's not too serious, maybe. However, you have to realize you may have been left paralyzed. And if that's the case, you may not be able to walk again. (The realization hits Kevin like a ton of bricks. Tears begin to form in his eyes.) Kevin: But, Doctor, I don't want to be left paralyzed! Football is my life! Please, you gotta help me! Doctor: That's all I can do for you right now. Try to take it easy. (He leaves. Kevin begins to cry hard now. A slow, soft piano rendition of "La, la, LA, la, la" begins to play as we see a widescreen shot of the scene where Kevin is tackled hard in slow-motion and in a purple tint, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 ================================================================ (Show a shot of Der Führer Brad Schlitz, Leader of the Upstate Nazi Party, wearing a Nazi SS uniform, and sitting behind a desk. A Nazi flag is behind him as well.) Schlitz: DUH! I am Der Führer Brad Schlitz, Leader of the Upstate Nazi Party! I think all my tax money goes to New York City! That bitch Hillary Rodham Clinton says she's thinking of running for the Senate here in New York! If that carpetbagger wins, she'll bring back welfare as we used to know it and affirmative action, which means more of my hard-earned tax dollars will go Downstate to welfare-cheating minorities! And don't think things will get better if New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani gets elected instead! He'll squeeze Congress for more Federal transportation money for his city, which means even more of my hard-earned money gets taken away from me! (Stands and gives the Nazi salute.) HEIL ME! In order to stop the both of them, I have chosen my--er--our party's own candidate for Senate, Fred Giroux! (Cut to a shot of Giroux. He's got brown hair, a mustache and brown eyes.) Giroux: If I'm elected, New York City will be forbidden to take any Federal or State tax money at all, period! If they want to have their wasteful welfare and education programs, let them finance them themselves! Stop taking our money away from us! Schlitz: So, next year, vote for Fred Giroux for U. S. Senate, OR ELSE! (Stands up and gives the Nazi salute again.) HEIL ME! Giroux: (Standing up and returning the Nazi salute.) ZEIG HEIL! Announcer: Paid for by the Upstate Nazi Party, a/k/a the Upstate Taxpayers' Coalition, a/k/a the I, Brad Schlitz Rubber-Stamp Politburo and Reichstag, a/k/a Angry White Males for a Right-Wing Dictatorship that Will Claim to Pay "Lip Service" to So-Called "Constitutional Government", but in Reality Will Believe Everything Adolf Hitler Wrote About in "Mein Kampf". (Another commercial. We see Sgt. Orville Snorkel standing in front of a barracks.) Snorkel: I'm Sgt. Snorkel, and I'm here to tell you what life in the Army is REALLY about. Don't let all those recent ads fool you. (Steps inside and sees Beetle Bailey asleep. He scowls, then takes a deep breath in preparation to yell.) WAKE UP, BEETLE, OR ELSE!!!!!!!!!! (Beetle stumbles out of bed. Cut to Beetle digging a ditch.) In the REAL Army, you'll dig ditches without end. (Cut to Beetle peeling potatoes.) You'll be on KP duty every day. (Cut to Beetle on garbage duty.) You'll be on garbage duty all day as well. Beetle: If all this is important, Sarge, why don't you do it yourself! Snorkel: (Scowling.) And you'll learn the most important lesson of all--(Here he grabs Beetle and beats the shit out of him, leaving him in a heap with his arms sticking out.) That you'll obey your drill sergeant's orders without question, even if he is a lazy asshole, because he's the drill sergeant, and you're just a shit-eating buck private! Still want to join the Army? Then call 1-800-USA-ARMY now! Be All You Can Be in the Army. Announcer: Paid for by the U. S. Army. And, despite what our previous ads may have said that 9 out of 10 employers like the type of training the Army provides them, don't believe it. If all businesses ran themselves like a boot camp, the employees would feel like worthless scum, and they'd be right. ================================================================ ACT 2 OF HEARTS/TWO HEARTS THAT BEAT AS ONE! ================================================================ Scene 1: Kevin's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 11:00 AM Sunday. ================================================================ (We see Kevin as we've left him, in his bed. Brittany now enters the room; she's wearing a white T-shirt, blue denim cut-offs and her blue sneakers; she's also toting her pink bunny purse.) Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) MMMMM, hi, Kevvy! How's things? (Kevin grunts something inaudible.) C'mon, Kevvy, is that anyway to greet your girlfriend? (She digs something out of her purse.) I got you something real nice! (Cut to a shot of what it is, a box containing "Pigskin Cologne".) It's your favorite cologne, Pigskin! With the real scent of football leather! (Kevin just turns away.) Kevin, what's bothering you? Kevin: The doctor doesn't know if I can walk again! Brittany: Kevin, you're going to walk again! Mark my words! Kevin: I don't know if that's going to happen. Brittany: Kevin, you're going to get out of that bed, and you're going to lead the Greenjackets to the Heartland Football League title, then lead Lawndale High to another State Championship! Kevin: (Now getting annoyed.) Brittany, that isn't important right now! Right now, I want to know if I can walk again! Is football all you ever think about when it comes to me? Brittany: Kevin, I just want to help. Kevin: Damn my luck! Why didn't I listen to Coach Gibson? He told me not to run the ball in, to pass it to Mack. Why do I keep messing up my life like I do? Brittany: You've still got me, Kevvy, and I'll stick with you, even if you're left a cripple. (Realizes what she just said.) EEP! (Suddenly, we see Kevin's face fill red with rage. Now he blows his top.) Kevin: BRITTANY, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, RIGHT NOW!!!!! (Brittany is stunned by what she just heard. She now begins to cry.) Brittany: You don't love me anymore, do you, Kevin? (She runs from the room, crying. She drops the bottle of cologne, which breaks within the box, and the contents begins to seep out of the box.) Kevin: (Realizing what he's just done.) Oh, my God! What have I done? (He slams his fist down on the nearby bedrail.) DAMMIT! ================================================================ Scene 2: The same, 11:45 AM Sunday. Background music: the opening organ riff from "The Voice" by the Moody Blues. ================================================================ (Kevin is still in his bed. Doug and Charlene Thompson, his parents, now enter the room.) Doug: Hey, Son, how's it going? (Kevin just grunts.) Charlene: Kevin, is that any way to respond to your parents? Kevin: Mom, Dad, I'm afraid. I don't know if I'll ever be able to walk ever again. It's been on my mind since I woke up. Doug: Kevin, we're going to do everything humanly possible for you. We won't rest until you get up out of that bed. Kevin: Mom, Dad, I know you'll stick with me, but I just don't know if anything is going to happen. I even got into an argument with Brittany over it. Charlene: You don't need that tramp in your life, Kevin. Doug: Charlene, if you gave her half a chance, you'd realize she's really a nice person. Charlene: Don't start with me about her, Doug! Doug: You just don't like her because Steve married Ashley-Amber, is that it? Charlene: Vivian was a better mother to Steve's kids; Brittany might have turned out better if it wasn't for Steve dumping her for his current trophy wife! And who knows how that brat Brian would have turned out! Doug: Who are you to judge as to who's a fit parent or not? Charlene: Doug Thompson, I'll broadside you if you don't watch out! (They get into a heated argument now. Kevin just closes his eyes and puts his hand to his forehead.) Kevin: (To himself.) Now I'm even more confused than ever. ================================================================ Scene 3: the same, 12:30 PM Sunday. ================================================================ (Doug and Charlene have been gone now for some time. Kevin is just resting when he hears a knock on the door.) Kevin: Yeah, who is it? (We now see Daria enter with Jane and Trent Lane [Jane's brother], along with Trent's bandmates in Mystik Spiral: rhythm guitarist Jesse Moreno, bassist Nicholas Campbell and drummer May Tyler. Kevin has a look of surprise on his face.) Daria: Hey, Kevin. What's up? Kevin: Daria, Jane, this is a surprise. Who are the others? Trent: I'm Janey's brother, Trent. And these are my bandmates in Mystik Spiral, though we're thinking of changing the name. (Pointing to each.) That's Jesse Moreno, Nicholas Campbell and Max Tyler. (The all wave at Kevin.) Janey and Daria thought it would be nice if we paid a visit to you. Kevin: Aw, gee, guys, you didn't have to. Daria: Kevin, we may be on the opposite sides of the popularity meter, but even I wouldn't shirk seeing you at the hospital; after all, you and the others paid a visit to me when I had that rash. (36) Kevin: Guys, I think being here in the hospital wondering if I'm going to be crippled for the rest of my life is making me think about what's important to me in my life: my football career or the people I love and care for. Daria: Kevin, what I'm going to tell you is going to be atypical for me. I want you to follow your heart on this. Somehow, in your own weird way, you do care for people like Brittany and your parents. You have to decide what's right for you, not what your parents or your coach thinks is right for you. Jane: Kevin, even I wouldn't stoop as low as wishing that something like this would happen; I learned my lesson about that from what happened to Tommy Sherman. Jesse: You just hang in there; man. We're all gonna root for you. Kevin: Thanks, guys. (He begins to cry. Daria goes up to him and hugs him.) Daria: Hang in there, Kevin. (She pats him gently on the back.) Kevin: I'll try, Daria. ================================================================ Scene 4: Brittany's room at the Taylor residence, Crewe Neck Gated Community, Lawndale, 2:35 PM Sunday. Background music: the opening synthesizer section of "Love Don't Live Here Anymore" by Madonna. ================================================================ (We see Brittany, trying to cheer herself up by watching TV. An ad for the United Way begins to play. We see a man with light brown hair and brown eyes, with a typical football build, wearing a green T-shirt and jeans.) Person on TV: Hi. I'm Jeremy Norwood. I was on the Baltimore Stallions football team that won the CFL Grey Cup back in 1995. However, the next year, a spinal cord injury ended my career. However, thanks to the United Way, they helped me in physical rehabilitation. Now I have regained limited use of my legs, and now I'm an insurance agent here in Lawndale. Please give to the United Way. It works for all of us. Thanks. Announcer: This message paid for by the United Way. Brittany: Hey, I know Jeremy Norwood! He lead Lawndale to the State Championship back in 1977! He could help Kevvy! I'm going to write him a letter and ask him if he could help! (She goes to her desk, and gets that purple stationery that has "BRITTANY'S PAD" and a pink quill on the letterhead. She picks up a pen.) HMMMMM, how do you spell "Dear"? ================================================================ Scene 5: Kevin's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 11:30 PM Sunday. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Carry On" by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. ================================================================ (We see Kevin asleep. He's tossing and turning. Zoom in on him, and cut to his dream. He's at the steps of the Pro Football Hall of Fame at Canton, Ohio. He goes up the steps and notices that someone's on the top step. He's none other than legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi. Lombardi approaches him.) Lombardi: What's the matter with you, son? What's bugging you? Kevin: I don't know if I'll be able to walk ever again. I think my football career's over even before it's begun. Lombardi: What the Hell are you saying about yourself? Are you going to throw in the towel just like that? If you were on my team, I'd kick your friggin' ass! You have an incredible lack of faith in yourself, don't you! (They now enter the Hall, and they see the bronze busts of those who were inducted.) Did any of these guys ever quit when the odds were against them? NO! You want to see what a loser looks like? I'll show you! (Suddenly, the floor cracks open, and Lombardi motions Kevin to look down. It's Hell, and we see Tommy Sherman, strapped to a goalpost and tortured by demons, like he was in Daria's near-death experience in "Outbitched". Kevin gasps in horror.) Kevin: Hey, that's Tommy Sherman! What's he doing there? Lombardi: Mainly because he was a jerk and a loser. Besides, he tried to hit on your girlfriend! Kevin: (Getting pissed.) HE DID! Why the nerve of him! (He tries to dive down there to give Kevin a piece of his mind, but Lombardi restrains him. The floor closes up again.) Lombardi: Tommy Sherman just wasted his life. He didn't give a damn about anything other than himself. But you still have a chance, Kevin. You will get your ability to walk back. If not for yourself, then do it for those you care for. Remember that! (The last word "That" begins to echo, and we make a fast cut to Kevin bolting out of sleep with a gasp.) ================================================================ Scene 6: Jeremy Norwood's house, 2385 Gladstone Avenue, Lawndale, 10:00 AM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We see an exterior shot of the house, then cut to the living room. Jeremy walks in a bit stiffly; he has to wear braces on his legs. He bends to pick up the mail that came through the slot. He goes through it and notices bills, junk mail, etc. He then pauses at a purple envelope. He opens it and reads the letter. A look of concern registers on his face, and he goes to the phone. Fast cut to a dingy apartment somewhere in town, as a crusty old man who bears a resemblance to Mickey, Rocky Balboa's coach in the first three films, answers the phone. Split screen to show Jeremy on the left and the old man on the right.) Old Man: Yeah, whaddaya want? Jeremy: Sparky, it's me, Jeremy. Sparky: Yeah, whassup? Jeremy: I just got a letter from the girlfriend of that Kevin Thompson guy who got paralyzed during last week's Greenjackets game. She says he's taking it very bad. I think we should help him. Sparky: Yeah, I read about him. That kid's got mush for brains, but I've handled his kind before. Old "Sparky" Morrison's still got what it takes. After all, I coached Lawndale High from 1946 to 1988 and led them to twenty-five State Championships durin' that time. Did she say where he is? Jeremy: Cedars of Lawndale Hospital. Sparky: Then what the Hell are we standin' here yakkin' for? Let's see the guy! Jeremy: Roger. ================================================================ Scene 7: Kevin's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 11:30 AM Tuesday. Background music: the opening piano bars of "Love, Reign O'er Me" by The Who. ================================================================ (Kevin is just taking it easy right now. Jeremy and Sparky enter the room.) Jeremy: Excuse me, Kevin, right? Kevin: (Noticing.) Yeah? Jeremy: Let me introduce myself. I'm Jeremy Norwood. This here is my old coach when I was at Lawndale High, Sparky Morrison. Kevin: Cool! I've heard a lot about you guys. Sparky: Kevin, yer girlfriend wrote a letter to Jeremy here about yer problem, and we're here to help ya. Kevin: Really? She did that for me? Man, I feel like such a heel for yelling at her like I did. Jeremy: Kevin, if she didn't really care for you, she wouldn't have written to me in the first place. We're going to help you with this, every step of the way. Kevin: Weren't you left paralyzed yourself? Jeremy: They did some experimental surgery on me, and I've regained some use of my legs. There may be hope for you yet, Kevin. Kevin: (Letting this sink in.) Man, Brittany did this for me, and I yelled at her because she was bugging me. God, what did I do wrong! (He puts his hands up to his face, and begins to cry. Jeremy puts a comforting arm on his shoulder.) Jeremy: Kevin, man, it's going to be OK. You just wait and see. (Brittany now enters. She's wearing a pink blouse and pink Capri pants.) Brittany: (Noticing Jeremy.) Hey, Mr. Norwood! You got my letter, didn't you! (Noticing Sparky.) Sparky Morrison! I can't believe it! Kevin's told me a lot about you! Sparky: Brittany, you'd better get to yer boyfriend there. He really needs ya now, more than ever. (Brittany goes up to Kevin, and hugs him. Kevin gives a big bear hug back to Brittany.) Brittany: Kevin, everything's going to be OK. Kevin: The doctors determined what's wrong with me. It's a pinched nerve. They're going to try and get it unpinched this afternoon. Brittany: Kevin, we're all rooting for you. Believe me, we are. (A nurse comes in.) Nurse: Mr. Thompson, the anesthetist will be here soon. Kevin: OK. Brittany: Kevvy, my folks and yours are out in the waiting room, and so are Mack and Jodie. Kevin: Thanks, Brittany. I'm going to need all the support I can get. (Jeremy gives a "Thumbs Up" to Kevin, who responds in kind.) ================================================================ Scene 8: The operating room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 1:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana begins to play and plays through to the end of the act. ================================================================ (Kevin is on the operating table, face down. The surgeons are gathered around, wearing the usual scrubs.) Surgeon # 1: Ladies and gentlemen, what we're going to do is a very delicate procedure. We must use the utmost care in performing this surgery. (Surgeon # 1 picks up the scalpel.) ================================================================ Scene 9: The waiting room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 1:45 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We see Doug and Charlene here, along with Steve, Ashley-Amber and Brian Taylor [who are Brittany's father, stepmother and brother, respectively]; Mack and Jodie are here as well. Along with them are also Brittany, Jeremy and Sparky. Suddenly, we see Daria and Jane enter; Daria is wearing her Lawndale Buzz press pass and camera around her neck.) Jodie: (With some surprise.) Daria, Jane, what are you two doing here? Daria: Well, I got a summer internship at the "Lawndale Buzz", and Monique thought it would make a good human interest story if I covered Kevin's struggles with his injuries. Steve: Daria, I remember you. (37) Ashley-Amber, Brian and I met you when Brittany asked you over to give you some help in making you sound perkier. Who's your friend there? Jane: Jane Lane's the name, and making mischief is my game. (Smirks evilly.) Steve: I don't think I've ever met you. Jane: Oh, I've been at your place, when Daria was invited to Brittany's party that time. (38) Daria: Where you went skinny-dipping in their pool. (39) (Steve drops his jaw in shock. Ashley-Amber giggles, while Brian snickers sinisterly.) Brittany: EEP! Daria: But, anyway, how's Kevin doing? Doug: He just went into surgery. The doctor's told us it'll be several hours. Daria: Now it's just the waiting, I take it. Charlene: Yeah, and that's always the hardest part. (She begins to cry, and Doug consoles her.) ================================================================ Scene 10: The same, 10:30 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (Everyone is still here, though some like Daria and Jane have nodded to sleep. Surgeon # 1 arrives. Doug stands up and goes to him.) Doug: How is he, Doc? Is he going to walk again? Surgeon # 1: The surgery was a success. We moved the vertebrae that was pinching the nerve away from it. Now it's only a matter of time until we know if he'll be able to walk again. Doug: I hope so, Doc, I sure hope so. (We see Doug standing there. Then we cut to a widescreen shot of Brittany writing her letter to Jeremy in slow-motion and in a purple tint, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 ================================================================ (We now see some shots of the rather pitiful play the now defunct Adirondack Red Wings of Glens Falls, New York--Detroit's affiliate in the AHL--had in the 1998-1999 season.) Announcer: Well, the reality of the situation has caught up to us. The Adirondack Red Wings can't compete with the big boys from Albany, New York or Philadelphia anymore! So, we've folded! Next year, look for us when we reactivate at Toledo, Ohio! Maybe we can get Jamie Farr to go to our games like he goes to see the Mudhens! Lots of luck to you, Glens Falls! You can't get another AHL team, ever! In fact, Brooklyn has a better chance of getting the Dodgers back then you do of getting another AHL team! Better save up your gas money and go see the River Rats play, then! In fact, we don't think that new team from the United Hockey League you'll be getting for next season will last long, either! In short: SCREW YOU, GLENS FALLS!!!!!!!!!! Wal-Mart's going to kill off your downtown shopping area anyway, and without any businesses to support it, your new team's going to fold faster than the American Basketball League did! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Another Announcer: This message paid for by Michael ("I don't give a damn about Glens Falls, New York anymore!") Ilitch, owner of the Detroit Red Wings. Boycott Little Ceasars Pizza! (40) (Another commercial. Show scenes from "Star Wars: Episode 1--The Phantom Menace" as John Williams' "Theme from 'Star Wars'" begins to play in the background.) Announcer: Coming soon to Fox, it's "The 'Star Wars: Episode 1--The Phantom Menace' Bloopers Special"! (Show a shot of R2D2 and C3PO. Suddenly, R2D2 accidentally fall over.) C3PO: Oh, my goodness! I think R2D2's hit the bong one too many times! (41) Announcer: See your favorite actors in the film flub up their lines! (Show a shot of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jar Jar Binks at a Tattoine desert.) Kenobi: Jar Jar, warm up the pod! Binks: Yassar, Mr. Benny! (Pauses.) OOPS! (Turns to the cameras.) Are they going to think that Jar Jar is a stereotype now, are they? (Show a shot of Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn fighting Darth Maul. Suddenly, Kenobi swings his light saber wildly, and his elbow goes into Maul's testicles. Maul is sent howling.) Kenobi: Uh, sorry about that! (Show a shot of the pod race. Anakin Skywalker cuts off a competitor, who is sent flying. Suddenly, we see Charlton Heston as Judah Ben Hur enter the race in a Roman chariot.) George Lucas: CUT! Mr. Heston, what the Hell are you doing here? Heston: Oh, I'm sorry! I thought they were doing a remake of "Ben Hur"! Lucas: Why don't you go spout some NRA rhetoric or something! Announcer: Don't miss these and other bloopers on "The 'Star Wars: Episode 1--The Phantom Menace' Bloopers Special"! Coming this Wednesday night at 8:00 PM Eastern, 7:00 PM Central, only on Fox, where we do as Rupert Murdoch tells us and show sleazy things like this and "Beverly Hills 90210"! ================================================================ ACT 3 DOG NIGHT ================================================================ Scene 1: Kevin's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 1:30 PM Thursday. ================================================================ (Kevin is taking it easy, or at least as easy as someone in traction can be. While not in a body cast, a vest-like garment is surrounding his chest. Daria and Jane now enter, Jane bearing some flowers in a vase made by her mother Amanda, while Daria is wearing her Lawndale Buzz press pass and camera around her neck.) Kevin: Daria, Jane, this is a surprise. Daria: How's everything, Kevin? Kevin: OK, I guess. The doctors won't know for some time if I'll be able to walk again. Frankly, I'm afraid I won't. Jane: Kevin, this is going to come as a shock to you, since I'm going to be saying this to you, but you've got to think positive about this. Who knows what will happen? Daria: Jane's right. You've got to hang tough on this. Kevin: But--but--what if I don't walk ever again? Jane: Kevin, it won't be the end of the world if that happens. You'll find something else. Hey, maybe you can take up painting. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: Kevin, let's just wait and see what happens. Now, if you don't mind, I want to take a picture of you. Kevin: Why? Daria: Monique wants me to do a story about you for the "Lawndale Buzz". Trust me, it won't be a smear piece. Jane: Not that she could do that anyway. . . (Daria glares at Jane.) Daria: Just hold that pose, Kevin. (She takes the picture. Close-up of the photo, which shows Kevin scowling.) ================================================================ Scene 2: The same, 2:45 PM Thursday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "One of These Days" by Pink Floyd. ================================================================ (Kevin is still taking it easy. Doug, Charlene, Steve, Ashley-Amber, Brittany and Brian enter the room.) Doug: Hey, son, how's it going? Kevin: Fine, I guess. Steve: Kevin, the doctors think you may have a chance to walk again. It'll take some rehabilitation, though; how long it takes depends on the severity of the injury. Ashley-Amber: We're all rooting for you, Kevin. Brittany: And I know that soon you'll be up on your feet again and you'll be leading the Greenjackets to the Heartland Football League championship! (She goes up and kisses Kevin. Charlene, needless to say, is mortified.) Charlene: Hey, you hussy! Lay off of my son! Brittany: Hey, who are you calling a hussy! Doug: Charlene, for Christ's sakes, don't start again! You know what happened during Super Sunday! (42) Charlene: Doug, you keep out of this! Steve: Now, now, now, everyone, let's calm down for a minute! Charlene: You keep out of this! (Suddenly, everyone gets into a shouting match. Brian is laughing hideously over the whole affair. Fast cut to Kevin, who now wears a look of anger on his face. Suddenly, he kicks off the blanket, gets off the bed--and is walking! He points an angry finger at Charlene.) Kevin: (In the loudest voice he can muster.) MOM, LAY OFF OF BRITTANY NOW! I MEAN IT! Charlene: What did you just say to me, young man! Kevin: YOU HEARD ME, MOM! LAY OFF OF BRITTANY, NOW!!!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE HER OR NOT, BUT I LOVE BRITTANY, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU, DAD, OR BRITTANY'S PARENTS CAN DO ABOUT IT! NOTHING!!!!!!!!! (Suddenly, everyone notices that Kevin is actually on his feet.) Brittany: Kevvy, you can walk! You can walk! (She runs up to him and kisses him.) Steve: (Motioning to a nurse.) Nurse, Kevin Thompson can walk again! You've got to see this for yourself! (Doug and Charlene, now more in remorse than anything for starting the argument, hug Kevin and Brittany. Steve, Ashley-Amber and Brian join in as well.) Kevin: (To himself.) Wow! I must be tougher than I thought! I really shut those guys up now, didn't I? ================================================================ Scene 3: The same, 7:00 PM Thursday. ================================================================ (Kevin is back in bed, taking it easy. Suddenly, we see Vivian Taylor--Brittany's biological mother--enter the room. [43] Kevin now notices her.) Kevin: Former Mrs. Taylor, what are you doing here? Vivian: Kevin, Brittany called me a couple of days ago and told me what happened. Are you doing OK? Kevin: Yeah, I am. I can walk again, though I don't know if I can get in shape again for football in time. The doctors are making some decisions about it right now. Vivian: Kevin, you're going to have to decide about what's important to you. Somehow what's happened to you is giving you this rare opportunity to do this. Don't blow this opportunity. Kevin: I've been thinking a lot about it, former Mrs. Taylor. Right now, there's only one reason why I want to get back into football: for my parents, and for Brittany. If there's any one reason why I want to persevere at this, that's it. Vivian: Don't lose sight of your dreams, Kevin; that's all I ask. Kevin: Right. ================================================================ Scene 4: The same, 9:30 AM Saturday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. ================================================================ (We see Kevin packing his bags. There's a knock at the door.) Kevin: Come in. (We now see Daria, Jane, Jeremy and Sparky enter the room.) Daria: Hey, Kevin, the doctors told us you've got a clean bill of health. Kevin: Yeah, they say there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. They said I don't have to undergo rehabilitation and I can even play football again. Isn't that great? Jeremy: Good. Then now's the time for you to start training for your comeback. If you play your cards right, you could help lead the Greenjackets to the HFL Championship next month. Sparky: I agree with Jeremy. We'll start ya out slowly--weightlifting, running, isometrics, tha works. Jane: For what it's worth, I'll even run with you. Kevin: You'd do that for me, Jane? Jane: Hey, I'm not going to let the things I learned from my brief stint on the school track team go to waste. (44) Sparky: So, whaddaya say, Kevin? (Kevin extends his hand out, and Sparky shakes it. Daria, Jane and Jeremy smirk.) ================================================================ Scene 5: Lawndale Health and Fitness Center, somewhere in-between the Car Dealership Strip and the Multimovieplex, (45) Lawndale, 9:30 AM Saturday. Background music: "Theme from Rocky" plays throughout this scene. ================================================================ (A musical montage begins as the opening horns of the song kick in. [46] Kevin is seen at a bench, trying to lift some barbells. Cut to Kevin doing sit-ups, pausing to rub his back. Cut to Kevin running behind Jane, wearing her usual running outfit of red shirt, white shorts and sneakers.) Jane: (Turning her head and yelling at Kevin.) MOVE IT OR LOSE IT, THOMPSON!!!!! (Kevin pathetically tries to catch up with Jane, but falls further behind. Kevin is running on a treadmill, but slips off of it. Sparky admonishes him, what he's saying being drowned out by the music. Cut to Kevin on a stationery bike. Cut to Kevin on a bench press. As the chorus ["Getting strong now! Won't be long now!"] starts, Kevin is seen running with Jane again. He gets a bit further than he did the first time before he drops out. Cut to Kevin on the rings. Kevin kind of slips up, but Jeremy gives him a "Thumbs Up". Cut to Kevin at a punching bag. Cut to Kevin running with Jane again. This time, he gets as far as the first car dealership before he drops out. Cut to Daria making notes for her report for the "Lawndale Buzz" on the whole affair. Cut to Kevin at the speed bag. Cut to Kevin swimming a few laps in the pool. As the chorus starts again, Kevin is actually doing some throwing practice again. He lets one rip at Jeremy, who snags it. Jeremy gives a "Thumbs Up" at Kevin, who reciprocates it. As the violins kick in, Kevin and Jane are once again running. But now, people have started to notice.) Bystander # 1: Hey, that's Kevin Thompson! He's back on his feet again! (This bystander is joined by others as they join Kevin and Jane on their run. As the violins end and the coda begins, Kevin and Jane head up the stairs leading to the County Museum of Modern Art [COMMA]. As Kevin reaches the top, cut to him raising his arms in triumph like Rocky did in that famous scene when he reaches the top of the stairs leading to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. The bystanders mob up on him. Daria is nearby, taking more notes for her report as the music ends.) ================================================================ Scene 6: the football field at High Hills Park, 7:30 PM Saturday, about a month since Kevin has been discharged from the hospital. ================================================================ (It's the night of the big Heartland Football League Championship. The Greenjackets are taking on the Rock City Warzone. It's a packed house. Daria and Jane are in the stands.) Daria: Monique wants me to wrap this story up tonight so it can be included in the paper tomorrow. Jane: You know, it would kind of be appropriate and ironic if the Greenjackets lose tonight. Kevin comes all the way back from his injury--just to lose the big game. I kind of like that. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: You just might get your wish. Rock City is favored by 28 points. (The PA system crackles to life.) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to High Hills Park for tonight's Heartland Football League Championship Game between your own Tri-County Greenjackets and the Rock City Warzone! (The teams file out to the field. The Rock City team has on white jerseys with purple numbers and silver pants, with purple helmets with a stylized "RC" in silver. The Greenjackets come out in their home uniforms.) Jane: I guess we'll wait and see. (Cut to the sidelines, where Brittany is talking to the other cheerleaders.) Brittany: Now, when Kevin comes out, we're gonna yell ourselves hoarse! Get it? (The other cheerleaders nod in agreement.) Announcer: And here are tonight's starting line-ups. . .(Cut to several minutes later.). . .And, last, but not least, your starting quarterback for the Greenjackets tonight is. . .KEVIN THOMPSON!!!!!!!!!! (The place explodes into a loud cheer as Kevin steps out onto the field. Brittany and the other cheerleaders go nuts themselves. Daria and Jane, however, retain their expressionless faces.) (Fast cut to the kickoff, as Rock City kicks the ball away. Fast cuts showing: Kevin making a perfect spiral pass to Mack, who then scores a touchdown; Rock City tacklers sacking Kevin, who slowly gets up, but is not the worse for wear; the Greenjackets scoring another touchdown; half-time festivities with the cheerleaders; Rock City scoring a touchdown; the Greenjackets scoring a field goal. Cut to the scoreboard now, which is now showing thirty seconds left in the game, with the Greenjackets trailing 42-37. Cut to the stands, as Daria is feverishly trying to write her report.) Jane: Man, now I'm feeling sorry about what I said earlier. If the Greenjackets lose this one, Kevin is going to take this very hard. Daria: You know what, Jane, I feel the same way. (Cut to the field, where the Greenjackets are in a huddle.) Kevin: There's only one way we're going to win this game. Mack, I'm gonna throw the long bomb at you! Mack: Kevin, for once I'm going to have to disagree. You're going to have to run it in yourself. You're our best runner on the team. Kevin: OK, but I don't know if I can pull it off! (They break the huddle and line up on the field.) 45-39-55-99-HUT-HUT-HUT! (A slow-motion sequence begins as the teams collide and Aron Copeland's "Fanfare for the Common Man" begins [the original orchestral version, not the Emerson, Lake and Palmer version]. Kevin has the ball, and seems to fake a pass to Mack, but the begins to run the ball up the field by himself. Cut to Daria and Jane, who have shocked looks on their faces. Cut to Brittany and the other cheerleaders, goading Kevin on. Kevin is now at the 50-yard line, then the 40, the 30, the 20, then the 10. Some Rock City tackles are now closing in on him. They catch up to him, and sack him. Slow pan to the left from the tackles, to Kevin's head, then to his outstretched arms, then to the football, which has just barely broken the plane of the goal line. Cut to the referee, who looks at the situation, then gives the "touchdown" signal just as time expires. Normal speed now as the place breaks out in celebration--people cheering loudly, Brittany and the other cheerleaders storming out onto the field, along with some fans. Daria writing some information down. Kevin's teammates run up to him and hoist him on their shoulders.) ================================================================ Scene 7: The same, 10:00 PM Saturday. ================================================================ (The Greenjackets are on the field now, as the HFL Commissioner--a man with gray hair and brown eyes and in a brown suit--approaches with the HFL Championship Trophy.) HFL Commissioner: Congratulations, Tri-County Greenjackets! You have won the 1999 Heartland Football League Championship! I'm proud to present this trophy to the winning quarterback--Kevin Thompson! (He gives the trophy to Kevin, who now raises it above his head as the place erupts in cheers. Someone with a microphone now approaches Kevin.) Kevin: (Speaking into the microphone.) Thank you, Mr. Commissioner. I just want to tell all of you out there, that I couldn't have made this comeback and helped my team win this trophy if it wasn't for some great people out there: (Fast cuts to each person as they're mentioned.) First, I want to thank my Mom and Dad. Next, I want to thank my girlfriend, Brittany Taylor. I want to also thank Jeremy Norwood and Sparky Morrison, who helped me in my training. I also want to thank Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane for lending their moral support during my time of crisis. (Cut to shocked looks on Daria and Jane's faces.) I also want to thank Vivian Taylor as well. (He now turns to Brittany.) Brittany, I want you to have this trophy. (He gives it to her.) You mean a lot more to me than any championship in the world. (Tears begin to fall from his eyes, and Brittany hugs him. The crowd goes crazy. Cut to Daria and Jane.) Daria: I can't believe he actually acknowledged that we did some good for him, Jane. Jane: I bet it's the painkillers they gave him. Daria: Well, I'd better phone this story in to Monique so it can make the paper tomorrow. (She goes.) Jane: Now, this is a scene I've got to capture. (She takes out her sketchbook and makes a quick sketch of Brittany hugging Kevin.) ================================================================ Scene 8: Daria's room, 1:30 PM Sunday. Background music: the piano bridge from "People Are Strange" by The Doors. ================================================================ (Daria and Jane are on Daria's bed, with a copy of the new edition of the "Lawndale Buzz".) Jane: Well, Daria, you made it, and on the front page. "Amazing Comeback: How a Star Quarterback Came Back From a Career-Threatening Injury and Found Some Purpose for His Life--by Daria Morgendorffer." (Daria smirks that Mona Lisa grin.) Daria: You know, I think we saw a different side of Kevin in this whole affair. Someone who--despite being dumb as a brick--really cares for the people in his life. Maybe there's more to him than we first realized. Jane: Well, one can only hope. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: Speaking of people turning around, I wonder how Sandi's doing these days? Jane: Probably getting more serious with Evan. I think she'll do well by herself. ================================================================ Scene 9: The Village Green 2:00 PM Sunday. ================================================================ (We see Sandi and Evan on a run. Sandi is wearing her St. Luke's track uniform, as is Evan.) Sandi: Evan, bet you ten bucks you can't reach my house before I do! Evan: You're on! (They run off. Pan slowly to the right to the person who was stalking Sandi earlier.) Shadowy Figure: In a week, the Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K Run will be held, and I will have my revenge against you, Sandi Griffin! You're going to pay for all the terrible things you did to Daria Morgendorffer--(The person now steps out of the shadows for the first time. From the mole on her face, as well as the brown hair, brown eyes, brown blouse, brown skirt and brown shoes, it appears to be Patty Wells. [47])--and for your father giving me the brush off! I should have been Tom's wife, and not Linda Del Monaco! You are going to pay! You're all going to pay! (She laughs sinisterly now.) (We now hear a series of whistle blows, which lead to an instrumental version of "You Gotta Be a Football Hero"; after one verse in instrumental, the "cheerleaders" who sang the song during the half-time of the convicts vs. guards football game in the movie "The Longest Yard" begin to sing it as the alter egos begin. They include: Brittany as Officer Ryo from "Burn Up! W"; Upchuck as Luke Skywalker; Daria as Motoko Kusanagi from "Ghost in the Shell"; Mr. O'Neill as The Riddler; Mack as Steve Urkel from "Family Matters"; Jodie as Diana Ross from her Supremes days; Ms. Li as Whistler's Mother; Mr. DeMartino as Norman Bates attacking Quinn as Janet Leigh's character in the shower in the infamous scene from "Psycho"; Ms. Morris as Sailor Jupiter; and Ms. Barch as Mary Hartman. The "Daria" logo can be seen as the closing credits end. Fade to a shot of sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an ominous timpani drumroll can be heard in the background; the left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer. The sledgehammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person holding the hammer and die drops them, and then turns to the audience; he's none other than the author of the story himself, a man with brown curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. He screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks away. We now see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. Above the zero is white Roman lettering saying "MARK", while white Roman lettering below it says "FAN FICTION," and below that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". Fade to black.) ================================================================ ENDNOTES ================================================================ (1) This new opening sequence made its debut in "Booted!" --Summarizing Peter. (2) Stacy's official last name was just revealed in the Fashion Club's Web page at MTV's official "Daria" site (http://daria.mtv.com); it also revealed that Tiffany's last name is Blum-Deckler. This is the first "Daria" fan fic to reflect these official names, and I will correct them in the previous "Daria: the OAV's" stories as time permits. Please make a note of it!--Scrutinizing Peter. (3) Jane had mentioned that in "Booted!"--Recap Peter. (4) Sandi fell in love with Evan and decided to join St. Luke's Lutheran Church's track team in "Booted!"--Marathon Man Peter. (5) Sandi had been ousted as the Fashion Club's President in "Outbitched". --Peter Nixon ("I am not a crook!"). (6) This much-touted race will be finally held in my next story, "Marathon Woman", where Jane will also be a participant.--Peter Coe. (7) Candy became the new Fashion Club President in "Outbitched". --Recap Peter. (8) These items can be found in the description of Quinn's room in "The Daria Diaries".--Designing Man Peter. (9) It's true. Lloyd George, Britain's last Liberal Prime Minster (the party is now known as the Liberal Democrats) did that after he visited Germany in 1936, a year after he lost a Parliamentary election. This information is courtesy of "The Book of Lists 3" by Amy Wallace, David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace (New York: Bantam, 1983), entry 4 of the list "10 Non-Nazis who Admired Hitler".--Nazi-Hating Peter ("Death to right-wing militias and extremist taxpayers' groups!"). (10) That's my tip of the hat to John Berry, who mentioned me as "that friend of Quinn's who's into Japanese animation" in his "Daria" fan fiction story "The Education of Dumber-than-a-Tree" (though I should mention to the uneducated that Sandy Frank's only contribution to anime was bringing over the first "Science Ninja Team Gatchaman" series over as the mutilated "Battle of the Planets").--Condor Joe Peter. (11) This real-life football team is from the Johnstown-Gloversville area of Fulton County, New York; they play in the Empire Football League, of which the real-life Glens Falls Greenjackets (for whom the Tri-Counties Greenjackets are modeled after) are also part of.--Peter Lombardi. (12) Certainly not after the events of C. E. Forman's "No Picnic"! --Ranger Peter. (13) Andrea's strips can be seen in "The Daria Database"; the nightly Satan worship is mentioned in "The Daria Diaries".--High Priest Peter. (14) I revealed Coyote as Jane's middle name in "Return of the Lawndale Militia".--Name-dropping Peter. (15) That happened in "No Nudes is Good Nudes".--Peter da Vinci. (16) It was the scene in the 1973 "Man-turns-into-a-snake" movie where the unwitting victim and the scientist's daughter go skinny dipping in a lake.--Peter no Hentai (that's a name Michelle Klein-Hass coined for me at the #Daria+ and #Dariafan chats). (17) Candy told Quinn that in Outbitched.--Officer Peter, HFPD. (18) Daria admitted to that in "Triumph of the 'Retart'"; further details were revealed in "My Stupid Date with Destiny".--Recap Peter. (19) That paper was introduced in "Stupid Sunday".--J. Jonah Peter. (20) Judge Feeder was introduced in "No Nudes is Good Nudes". --Judge Dredd Peter. (21) Judge Reinhardt figures prominently in C. E. Forman's fan fics "To Helen Back", "Rain on Your Parade", "Quinntet" and "Driven Wild". --Peter ("I really like C. E.") Guerin. (22) Jake and Helen's middle names were revealed in the "Timeline to 'Daria: the OAV's'", available exclusively at the Mark Zero Fan Fiction Web site (http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/network/4938).--Peter the Watcher. (23) Who could ever forget that from C. E. Forman's "To Helen Back"! --Chief Justice Peter. (24) Brad Schlitz was introduced in "Return of the Lawndale Militia". --Summarizing Peter. (25) This is some ironic foreshadowing, given that Jake will indeed suffer a heart attack in the upcoming episode "Jake of Hearts"! --Heart Attack Peter. (26) Quinn told Rachel that lie in C. E. Forman's "No Picnic". --Gossip-Mongering Peter. (27) Stacy began to get counseling to help her overcome bulimia in "Karen Carpenter Blues".--Flashback Peter. (28) Trent told Daria that in "Outbitched".--Break-up Peter. (29) Another bit of ironic foreshadowing, given that Jane will start dating a guy in the episode "Jane's Addiction".--Casanova Peter. (30) In "Outbitched", it was revealed that Candy Kaine's real name was Lana Ann Slobonski.--Name-dropping Peter. (31) This is my tip of the hat to Danny Bronstein. In his "Daria"/"South Park" crossover "One Band Town", Spiral Taps was the name of the band fronted by Cartman's cousin Blake. They will make a reappearance in my upcoming story "One Band Town 2: Blake's Revenge". --Oh, my God! Peter Guerin's killed Kenny! You bastards! (32) That's true. Anne Morrow Lindbergh is still alive and just celebrated her 93rd birthday.--Flyboy Peter. (33) This is my tip of the hat to The Unknown, in whose Daria fan fics that band (fronted by her semi-autobiographical character, Joanna) plays in.--Peter Cobain. (34) Quinn and Jamie decided to go steady in "Outbitched". --Peter the Yenta. (35) Who could ever forget that immortal episode, "The Misery Chick"! --Peter Landry. (36) Thus they did in "Ill".--Peter Guerin (who's not a doctor and does not even play one on TV). (37) Steve had met Daria in the episode "The Old and the Beautiful". --Peter the Man. (38) That happened in the episode "The Invitation".--Party-Pooper Peter. (39) That was mentioned during the first "Daria Day" in 1998! --Naughty Peter. (40) Sorry about the diatribe, folks, but I am so pissed off about the Adirondack Red Wings leaving town. I'm serious, boycott Little Ceasars. Mr. Ilitch doesn't give a damn about tradition or maintaining a hometown feel to minor league hockey; all he's concerned for is his bottom line! --Peter Hanson (the lost Hanson Brother from "Slapshot"). (41) In the June 26, 1999 issue of "Rolling Stone", Ahmed Best, who voiced Jar Jar Binks in the movie, said that he saw Kenny Baker--the man inside R2D2--smoking a bong once. Check it out for yourself! --Peter ("I can't make this up!") Guerin. (42) The Taylors and the Thompsons got into a fight in "Stupid Sunday". --Peter Unitas. (43) Vivian Taylor first appeared in "Strange Reunions". --Summarizing Peter. (44) That happened in the episode "See Jane Run".--Peter Owens. (45) Check out the map of Lawndale in "The Daria Diaries" for the approximate location.--Cartographic Peter. (46) Any similarity between this montage and any of C. E. Forman's musical montages are merely coincidental.--Plagiarizing Peter. (47) Tom Griffin mentioned about her in "The Daria Database". --Butt-Ugly Peter. ================================================================ THE END ================================================================ THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED! ================================================================ "Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" ================================================================ Home page: http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/network/4938 ================================================================ E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com ================================================================ Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com ================================================================ CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! ================================================================