The Two Towers

[Voices are heard from the Misty Mountains.]

Amy:

You cannot pass!

Daria:

Amy!

Amy:

I'm the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire will not avail you! Flame of Udun!

Short summary:

Daria and Co. continue to play-out before you the cinematic "Lord of the Rings" story. Here's the second instalment. (First is the Fellowship of the Ring)...

[We track in through the mountain and see Amy and the Balrog on the Bridge of Khazad-dыm.]

Amy:

Go back to the shadow! YOU... SHALL NOT... PASS!!!

[Amy slams her staff on the bridge, and a flash of white light drives the Balrog back. The demon draws a whip of fire, steps onto the bridge, and it gives way, dropping the Balrog into the chasm. It seems they have won, but as she turns away, the tail of the whip catches Amy's ankle and pulls him down. She gets a brief grasp on the edge of the bridge.]

SANDI:

[Holding Daria back.] No! Daria!

Amy:

Fly you fool!

[Amy loses her grip and falls into the chasm.]

Daria:

Nooooooo oo!

[Amy falls after the Balrog and grabs hold of her sword Glamdring on her way down. As they continue to plunge into the depths, Amy hacks away at the Balrog even as it crashes and bounces off the walls. They continue to plunge at great speed, sometimes with Amy clinging to the horn of the demon. The battling pair then falls into an enormous cavern and plunges into the water. Just then Daria wakens from the nightmare.]

Daria:

Amy!

Jane:

What is it, Daria?

Daria:

Nothing. Just a dream.

THE LAWNDALE THEATRE PRESENTS: THE TWO TOWERS

[Daria and Jane climb over rocky terrain. They look into the distance at the Mountain of Fire, apparently copied from a piece of art of Tony Szczudlo.]

Jane:

Mordor. The one place in Middle Earth we don't want to see any closer. It's the one place we are trying to get to. It's just where we can't get. Let's face it Daria. We're lost. I don't think your aunt meant for us to come this way.

Daria:

She didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Jane. But they did.

[Suddenly Daria feels and spies the Eye zooming in on her. She gasps and pants as the Eye backs away.]

Jane:

Daria? It's the Ring isn't it?

Daria:

It's getting heavier. What food have we got left?

Jane:

Well, let me see. Oh yes, lovely. Lembas bread. And look! More lembas bread. I don't usually hold to foreign food, but this elfish stuff is not bad.

Daria:

Nothing ever dampens your spirits does it Jane?

Jane:

Those rainclouds might.

[They continue trekking through difficult terrain, often huddling underneath their cloaks.]

Jane:

This looks strangely familiar.

Daria:

[In frustration]: That's because we've been here before! We are going in circles!

Jane:

Ah! What's that horrid stink? I'll warrant there's a nasty bog nearby. Can you smell it?

Daria:

Yes I can smell it. We are not alone.

Upchuck:

[Sneaking up on the girls.] Those thieves! Those feisty little thieves! Wheeere isss it? Wheeere isss it? They stole it from us. My preciousssss.

[Suddenly the girls spring up, grab hold of Upchuck's arms and pull him down. Amidst the struggle, Upchuck wriggles loose and leaps onto Daria. As Daria falls back, the chain and ring around her neck is revealed and Upchuck jumps straight for the Ring. Jane tries to grab at him but is knocked away. Upchuck now jumps on top of Daria and tries to reach for the Ring even as Daria grabs his hands and tries to push him away. Upchuck's cheeks puff with exertion as he struggles with Daria, his eyes fixed on the Ring. Jane grabs hold of Upchuck again and tears him away from Daria. Upchuck then turns around and bits Jane on the shoulder, wriggles around and clasps his arms around Jane's neck and legs around her waist in a death grip. Daria then unsheathes Sting and holds it to Upchuck's groins.]

Daria:

This is Sting. You've seen it before, haven't you, Upchuck! Release him or I'll cut your balls!

[Slowly, Upchuck loosens his grip on Jane and as the latter disentangles himself, Upchuck wails. He is then tied at the neck with Jane's elfish rope and half-dragged along even as he cries and wails.]

Upchuck:

It burns! Feisty! It burns us! Feisty! Take it off!

Jane:

Quiet you! It's hopeless! Every Orc in Mordor will hear this racket! Let's tie him up and leave him!

Upchuck:

No! That's will kill us, kill us!

Jane:

It's nothing more than you deserve!

Daria:

Maybe he does deserve to die. Now that I've seen him, I do pity him.

Upchuck:

[Begging]: We are nice to them, if they be nice to us. Take it off us. We swear to do what you want. We swear!

Daria:

There is no promise you can make that I can trust.

Upchuck:

We swear to serve the Mistress of the precious. We swear on, on the precious! Gorlum!

Daria:

The Ring is treacherous. It will hold you to your word.

Upchuck:

Yes... on the precious... on the precious.

Jane:

[Suddenly, Jane shouts out loudly]:

I don't believe you! Get down! Get down!

[Jane jerks strongly at the rope as Upchuck tries to get away and Upchuck falls to the ground.]

Daria:

[In horror]: Jane!

Jane:

He was trying to trick us! We let him go, he'll throttle us into our sleep!

Daria:

[To Upchuck, almost as a statement rather than question]: You know the way to Mordor?

Upchuck:

[Nodding warily]: Yes.

Daria:

You've been there before?

Upchuck:

[Nodding again]: Yes.

Daria:

[Taking the rope off Upchuck]: You will lead us to the Black Gate.

[Upchuck looks up at Daria in wonder, amazed to have been showed such kindness and trust by a girl. He scrambles off quickly, the Hobbits hurrying on after him.]

[The Uruk-hai (Lawndale Football Team in bad make-up) team carry Quinn and Stacy over the fields of Rohan.]

Stacy:

Quinn! Quinn!

[We see that Quinn is unconscious, with large, nasty gash about her right brow.]

[Suddenly, an Uruk-hai (played by Robert) raises his hand, signalling for the group to stop.]

ROBERT:

What is it? What do you smell?

ANOTHER FOOTBLL PLAYER:

Man-flesh.

Stacy:

[To herself]: Mack!

Robert:

They've picked up our trail! Let's go!

[The Uruk-hai quicken their pace. Stacy struggles to reach her Elven brooch with her teeth. She then tears it off her cloak and drops it onto the ground. The Uruks don't notice the brooch, but some trample it, setting it more firmly into the soil.]

[Mack is lying with his eyes closed and ear pressed to the ground, listening for the sound of footsteps.]

Mack:

Their pace quickens. They must have caught our scent. Hurry!

Tiffany:

Come on Archie!

Archie:

Three day's and night's pursuit.. no food... no rest... and no sign of our quarry but what bare rock can tell.

[The Three Hunters run across rocks and plains, with Mack in the lead, and Tiffany and Archie trailing behind. Mack suddenly bends down to pick up an Elven brooch from the ground.]

Mack:

Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall.

Tiffany:

They may yet be alive.

Mack:

Less than a day ahead of us, come!

Tiffany:

Come Archie! We are gaining on them.

Archie:

I'm wasted on cross-country. We dwarves are natural sprinters. Very dangerous we are over short distances.

[Camera pans over the Orcs running across the plains, and then swings to the Three Hunters giving chase. The trackers come over a hill and pause as they gaze across the plains below.]

Mack:

Rohan, home of the cheerleaders. There's something strange at work here. Some evil gives speed to these creatures. Sets its will against us. Tiffany! What does your elf eyes see?

Tiffany:

The Uruks turn Northeast. They are taking the hobbits to Isengard!

Mack:

Rita.

[The tower of Orthanc stands amidst the smoking caverns of Isengard. Rita stands in her chamber, communicating with the Dark Lord through the Palantir.]

Rita:

The world is changing. Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Isengard and Mordor? To stand against the might of "Mad Dog" and Rita and the union of the two towers? Together, Lord Morgendorffer, we shall rule this Middle-Earth.

[The caverns of Isengard glow with the fires of industry, sounds of hammering fill the air and molten iron is poured into casts.]

Rita: (Voiceover)

The old world will burn in the fires of industry. Forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machinery of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the Orcs. We now have only to remove those who oppose us.

[Rita stands in the midst of a gathering of Goths in Café Dissaffecto, who are holding torches and crude weapons.]

Rita:

The conformists have taken your lands. They drove your people into the hills to scratch the living of rocks.

CROWD

Bastards!

Rita:

Take back the lands they stole from you. Burn every village! It will begin in the Rohan. Too long have these wimps stood against you. But no more.

[The Goths and Rita's men attack a village. A woman with her hand on a horse calls out to her children.]

Mother:

Eothain, take your sister. You'll go faster with just two.

Freya:

But Papa says Eothain must not ride. He's too big for him!

Mother:

Listen to me! You must ride to Edoras and raise the alarm. Do you understand me?

Eothain:

Yes mum.

Freya:

I don't want to go! I don't want to go!

Mother:

Listen to me. I will find you there.

[Screams are increasing in volume as the army draws closer.]

Mother:

Quickly! Go, child!

[To herself]:Oh, child.

[The army slaughters at will and sets fire to the village. Eothain and Freya weep as they look back from a distance.]

RITA: (V.O.)

Rohan, my lord, is ready to fall.

[A group of riders arrive at Edoras. Nikki is in the lead, carrying a gravely wounded Alex in front of him. Brittany runs hastily up the stairs to the Golden Hall and enters a bedchamber. She runs to the bed.]

Brittany:

Alex!

[Alex seems to hear her call but is unable to respond. She has a bloody gash on the side of his head. Nikki nods to Brittany in the direction of Alex's torso. Brittany draws back the covers and upon seeing Alex' fatal wound, her lips tighten and her eyes close. She looks up to catch Nikki's eye.]

[Nikki and Brittany are speaking to Queen Vivian who sits motionless on his throne, wizened and aged beyond her years.]

Brittany:

[To Vivian]: Your daughter is badly wounded, my lady.

Nikki:

She was ambushed by Orcs. If we don't defend our country, Rita will take it by force.

Andrea:

That is a lie! Rita the White Barksdale has ever been our friend and ally.

Vivian:

[Mumbling]: Andrea... Andrea

Nikki:

Orcs are roaming freely across our lands. Unchecked, unchallenged, killing at will. Orcs bearing the white hand of Rita.

[Nikki drops a helmet onto the ground, which topples over to reveal the white hand of Rita.]

Andrea:

Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see? Your aunt is weary of your malcontent, your warmongering.

Nikki:

Warmongering? How long has it been since Rita bought you? What was the promised price, Andrea? When all are dead you would take a share of the treasure?

[Nikki watches Andrea, whose eyes fall on Brittany's figure in the background.]

Too long have you watched my friend, too long have you haunted her steps, you Gothic freak. [Takes a swing at Andrea, but the Gothic girl is ready for her. Forgetting the script, the two duke it out, till Andrea's supporters pull Andrea away from the semi-conscious cheerleader.]

Andrea:

You see much, Nikki daughter of Charlene. Too much. You are banished forthwith from the kingdom of Rohan, under pain of death.

[The Football Players continue to march across the plains with their hobbit captives. Mack, Tiffany, and Archie are in pursuit.]

Archie:

Keep breathing, that's the key! Breathe! Ho!

Tiffany:

They run as if the very whips of their Mistress were behind them.

[They continue running over vast distances. The Football Players halt at nightfall, many panting.]

SHYLAR:

We ain't going' no further till we've 'ad a breather.

Robert:

Get the fire going!

Stacy:

Quinn! Quinn!

Quinn:

I think, we might have made a mistake leaving Lawndale, Stacy.

[A rumbling sound is heard.]

Stacy:

What's making that noise?

Quinn:

It's the trees.

Stacy:

What?

Quinn:

You remember the Old Forest? On the borders of Buckland? Folks used to say that there was something in the water that made the trees tall, and come alive.

Stacy:

Alive?

Quinn:

Trees that could whisper, talk to each other, even move.

SKYLAR

I'm steaming. We ain't 'ad nothin' but our hands to keep us company for three stinking' days!

ANOTHER FOOTBALL PLAYER:

Yeah! Why can't we have some flesh?

[Looking at the girls]: What about them? They're fresh!

Robert:

They are not for making-out!

"Ringer" (from "A tree grows in lawndale"):

What about their virtue? Rita doesn't need those. Ooh! They look scared!

Robert:

Get back!

ANOTHER FOOTBALL PLAYER:

Just a short while?

[Robert knocks him into a compromising position.]

Robert:

Looks like it's out of the closet for us, boys!

[The Football Players cheer and started tearing into him, clothes flying, taking their eyes off the girls for a while.]

Quinn:

Stacy, let's go!

[Their hands still bound, the hobbits try to crawl away. Suddenly a foot comes down onto Stacy and flips her over.]

"Ringer":

Go on, call for help. Squeal! No one's going to save you now!

[Suddenly, an arrow hits "Ringer". Mayhem ensues as Riders of Rohan burst out from their hiding places and ambush the Orcs.]

Quinn:

Stacy!

[The girls try to escape from the pandemonium to the forest, dodging bodies and stomping feet. Suddenly Stacy turns and looks up at a pair of thrashing hooves bearing down on her.]

Stacy:

Ahh!

[The Three Hunters are still chasing after the Uruk-Hai. Dawn has broken.]

Tiffany:

A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.

[The sound of horses comes to their ears. Mack quickly gets them to hide behind some boulders. A large group of horse-men appears, galloping quickly with their banners flying. Mack comes out of hiding as they pass, followed by Tiffany and Archie.]

Mack:

Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?

[At a signal from Nikki at the lead, the riders make a quick turn and head towards them, surrounding them in an ever-tightening circle. As they stop, they point their long spears menacingly at them.]

Nikki:

What businesses do an FC, a jock, and a nerd have in the Riddermark? Speak quickly!

Archie:

Give me your name, horsemistress, and I shall give you mine.

Nikki:

I would cut off your head, Nerd, if it stood but a little higher from the ground.

[Tiffany, in a lightning fast move (for her), points an arrow at Nikki.]

Tiffany:

You would die before your stroke fell!

[The riders all point their spears closer to the travelers. Mack pushes down Tiffany' arm.]

Mack:

I'm Mack. This is Archie and Tiffany. We are friends of Rohan and of Vivian, its Queen.

Nikki:

Vivian no longer recognizes friend from foe.

[She takes helmet off.]

Not even her own kin.

[The spears are withdrawn.]

Nikki:

Rita has poisoned the mind of the king and claim lordship over this land. My company are those loyal to Rohan. And for that, we are banished. The White Witch is cunning. She walks here and there they say, as an old woman, hooded and cloaked. And everywhere her spies slip past our nets.

Mack:

We are not spies. We track a band of Football Players westward across the plains. They have taken two of our friends captive.

Nikki:

They are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night.

Archie:

[Distraught, despairingly]: But there were two freshmen girls, do you see two freshmen girls with them?

Mack:

They would be young, only children to your eyes.

Nikki:

We left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them.

[She points off in the distance, where we see the Uruk-hai pile, still smoking.]

Archie:

[Disbelievingly]: They are dead?

Nikki:

[She pauses briefly - then nods.] I am sorry.

Haley! Anne! [Two riderless horses come forth.]

May these horses bear you to better fortune than the former Mistress. Farewell. Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands.

[To the riders]: We ride north!

[Mack, Tiffany, and Archie ride towards the burning carcasses, and Archie starts to shift through the smouldering pile, from which he retrieves a charred belt and dagger sheath.]

Archie:

[Sadly]: It's one of their little belts.

Tiffany:

[reading of a paper sheet]:

Hiro hyn hоdh ab 'wanath.

[Translation: "May they find peace after death."]

Mack:

AAAHHH!!! [He kicks the Orc pile.]

Archie:

[In disbelief]: We failed them.

[Mack away, off to the side, but as he does so, something catches his eye.]

Mack:

A girl lay here, and the other.

[Flashback: Stacy yells as she looks up at a pair of thrashing hooves bearing down on her. She rolls over.]

Mack:

They crawled.

[Flashback: Stacy and Quinn crawl frantically away from the battle.]

Mack:

Their hands were bound.

[Flashback: Stacy rubs his bonds furiously against the sharp edge of an upturned blade.]

Mack:

Their bonds were cut. They ran over here and were followed.

[Flashback: Their hands freed, the girls run away from the battle scene, dodging under a horse and trying to stay out of harms way. As they flee, "Ringer" grabs Quinn by her belt and clings on.]

Stacy:

The belt! Run!

[Quinn undoes her belt and "Ringer" is left holding the belt and the girls run off.]

Mack:

Tracks lead away from the battle, into... Fangorn Forest.

Archie:

Fangorn! What madness drew them there?

[The hobbits are in Fangorn Forest.]

Quinn:

Did we lose him? I think we lost him.

[Suddenly, "Ringer" bursts through the branches, brandishing a blade.]

"Ringer":

I'm going to rip up both your little asses! Come here!

Stacy:

Trees! Climb a tree!

[Quinn and Stacy each scramble up a tree.]

Stacy:

He's gone.

[Suddenly, Stacy is pulled by her legs and falls to the ground. "Ringer" leans over her with his belt untied.]

Quinn:

Stacy!

[Quinn looks down in horror but as she turns her head, she spots a pair of sleepy yellow eyes blinking in the tree she's clinging to.]

Quinn:

Ah!

[Quinn loses her grip in fright and falls. The tree catches her.]

"Ringer":

[To Stacy]: Let's put a hole in your ...

[Suddenly "Ringer" senses something behind him and as he looks up, the tree kicks him so hard that he's outcold.]

Quinn:

Run, Stacy!

[The Tree scoops up Stacy.]

Treebeard:

Little jerks!

Quinn:

It's talking Stacy. The tree is talking.

Treebeard:

Tree? I am no tree! I am a member of Fangorn Forest for Retired Folk.

Stacy:

Treeherder! Shepherd of the forest.

Quinn:

Don't talk to it Stacy. Don't encourage it.

Treebeard:

Treebeard some call me.

Quinn:

And whose side are you on?

Treebeard:

Side? I am on nobody's side. Because nobody is on my side, little jerk. Nobody cares for the old folks' anymore.

Stacy:

We are not jerks. We are freshmen!

Treebeard:

Freshmen? Never heard of a freshman before. Sounds like jerk mischief to me. They come with fire, they come with axes. Biting, breaking, hacking, burning. Destroyers and usurpers. Curse them!

Stacy:

No! You don't understand. We are girls, freshmen. Shirefolk!

Treebeard:

Maybe you are, and maybe you aren't. The White Witch will know.

Quinn:

White Witch?

Stacy:

Rita!

[Treebeard drops Stacy and Quinn on the ground and the girls look up in wonder at the White Witch.]

[Daria and Jane follow Upchuck to the end of the rocky terrain, into a swampy land.[A sign is obscured, but not quickly enough: "Lawndale Park"] Upchuck looks back.]

Upchuck:

See, see, we have led you out! Hurry, hurry! Very lucky we find you. Nice girl.

Jane:

Whoa! It's a bog! He's led us into a swamp!

Upchuck:

Swamp, yes. Come Daria. We will take you to safe paths, through the mist. Come girls, come. We move quickly. I found it. I did. The way through the marshes. Jocks don't use it. Jocks don't know it. They go round for miles and miles. Come quickly. Swift and quickly.

Jane:

There are dead things! Dead faces in the water!

Upchuck:

(has forgotten his lines). Nah, just snakes and some leaches. (Ms. Barch off screen clears her throat, and Upchuck remembers.) Yes. All dead. All rotten. Elves and men and Orcs. A great battle long ago. The Dead Marshes. Yes, yes! That is the name. This way. Don't follow the lights.

Jane:

Ohh!

Upchuck:

Careful now! Or girls go down to join the dead ones, and light little candles of their own.

[Daria falls face-down into the water.]

Jane:

Daria!

[Daria sees many faces of the dead in the water. Their hands reach for her, seeking to draw her into their realm. Suddenly she is grabbed from behind and pulled ashore.]

Daria:

Upchuck?

Upchuck:

Don't follow the lights!

Jane:

Daria! are you alright?

[Nightfall: Jane is asleep but Daria is still awake. She holds the Ring in the palm of her hand, staring at it and stroking it. Suddenly she hears a voice.]

Upchuck:

So bright, so beautiful. Ah precious.

Daria:

What did you say?

Upchuck:

Mistress should be resting. Mistress needs to keep up his strength.

Daria:

Who are you?

Upchuck:

Mustn't ask us its name, not his business. Upchuck, Upchuck.

Daria:

Amy told me you were one of the River Folk.

Upchuck:

Cold are heart and rock and bone. And cold every traveller far from home.

Daria:

He said your life was a sad story.

Upchuck:

They do not see what lies ahead when sun has faded and moon is dead.

Daria:

You were not so different from a Hobbit once were you... Charles?

Upchuck:

[Turning around]: What did you call me?

Daria:

That was your name once, wasn't it? A long time ago.

Upchuck:

My... My name... Charles. Ahh!

Jane:

Black Riders!

Upchuck:

Hide! Hide!

[Daria feels a sharp pain in her shoulder.]

Jane:

C'mon Daria, C'mon!

Upchuck:

They will see us! They will see us. Wraiths! Wraiths on wings!

Jane:

I thought they were dead!

Upchuck:

Dead? Ha, you wish!

Ringwraith:

[Screeches]

Upchuck:

They are calling for the precious. They are calling for the preciousssss.

[Daria reaches for the Ring. Jane holds Daria's hand.]

Jane:

It's alright.

[The Ringwraith circles overhead and flies off into the distance.]

Upchuck:

Hurry, girls. The Black Gate is very close.

[Meanwhile, Mack and company goes into Fangorn Forest to look for Quinn and Stacy.]

Archie:

Orc blood!

Mack:

These are strange tracks.

Archie:

The air is so close here.

Tiffany:

This forest is old. Very old. Full of memories...and anger. The trees are speaking to each other.

Mack:

Archie!

Archie:

Huh?

Mack:

Lower your axe.

Archie:

Oh!

Tiffany (reading):

Mack, NAD no ennas!

[Translation: "Something is out there!"]

Mack:

Man cenich?

[Translation: "What do you see?"]

Tiffany:

The White Witch approaches.

Mack:

Do not let her speak. She will out a spell on us! We must be quick.

[With a yell, the three swing round to attack in accord. They are suddenly blinded by a bright light emanating from the White Witch. Archie's axe and Tiffany' arrow are deflected. Mack's sword becomes too hot to hold.]

Witch:

You are tracking the footsteps of two young girls.

Mack:

Where are they?

Witch:

They passed this way the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?

Mack:

Who are you? Show yourself!

[The light dims, revealing Amy, dressed in white.]

Mack:

It cannot be! You fell!

Amy:

Through fire and water.

[Flashback: Amy is battling the Balrog on a peak.]

Amy: (V.O.)

From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought him, the Balrog of Morgoth.

[Amy holds up Glamdring and a flash of lightning strikes it before she plunges the sword into the Balrog. With a final cry, the Balrog falls from the peak and lands, smoking, onto the icy mountainside.]

Amy: (V.O.)

Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and each day was as long as a life age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done.

[End Flashback.]

Mack:

Amy.

Amy:

Amy? Oh yes. That's what they used to call me. Amy the Grey Barksdale. That was my name.

Archie:

Amy!

Amy:

I am Amy the White Barksdale now. And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide.

[They start to walk through the forest, with Amy leading the way.]

Amy:

One stage of the journey is over another begins. War has come to Rohan. We must ride to Edoras with all speed.

[Outside the forest, Amy whistles piercingly. Soon an answering neigh is heard and a white horse appears from the plain, answering the call.]

Tiffany:

That is one of the mearas, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell.

Amy:

Shadowfax. He's the lord of all horses and he's been my friend through many dangers.

[The four ride off.]

[Treebeard walks through the forest, carrying Quinn and Stacy.]

Treebeard:

My home. I sleep in the forest here. The roots of the mountains. I told Amy I would keep you safe and safe is where I'll keep you. The trees have gone wild and dangerous. Anger is in their hearts. They will harm you if they can. There are too few of us now. Too few of us that are left to manage them.

[Daria and Jane are led to the edge of a cliff.]

Upchuck:

The Black Gate of Mordor.

Jane:

My old Gaffer would have a thing or two to say if he saw this.

Upchuck:

Mistress says show him the way into Mordor so good Charles does what mistress says so.

Daria:

I did.

[Orcs are patrolling the Black Gate.]

Jane:

We cannot get past them.

[A command is heard and an Orc sounds a horn. Two enormous cave trolls stretch and growl and then pull the mighty Gate open.]

Jane:

Look! The gate, it's opening! I can see a way down.

[Jane moves closer to the edge. Suddenly, the rock underneath her gives way and he falls.]

Daria:

Jane! No!

Jane:

Ah!!

[Daria goes after Jane.]

Upchuck:

Mistress!

[Two Easterling soldiers [Extras who look like they've come from Mongolia or some place like that] see streams of dust coming down the cliff and investigate. Daria reaches Jane who is stuck. As the Easterlings move closer and closer, Daria throws her elfish cloak over herself and Jane. The soldiers can't see them and leave.]

Daria:

I do not ask you to come with me, Jane.

Jane:

I know, Daria. I doubt these elfish cloaks will help us in there.

Daria:

Now!

Upchuck:

No! No! No Mistress! They catch you! They catch you. Don't take it to Him. He wants the precious. Always he's looking for it. And the precious is wanting to go back to him, but we mustn't let him have it.

[Daria tries to go, but Upchuck won't let him.]

Upchuck:

No! There is another way. More secret, and dark way.

Jane:

Why haven't you spoke of this before?!

Upchuck:

Because you did not ask!

Jane:

He is up to something.

Daria:

Are you saying that there is another way to Mordor?

Upchuck:

Yes. There is a path, and some stairs and then a tunnel.

Daria:

He has led us this far, Jane.

Jane:

Daria, no!

Daria:

He's been true to his word.

Jane:

No!

Daria:

Lead the way, Charles.

Upchuck:

Good Charles always help.

[Amy, Mack, Archie and Tiffany approach a Kingdom.]

Amy:

Edoras and the Golden Hall of Meduseld, Queen of Rohan, whose mind is overthrown and Rita's hold over Queen Vivian is now very strong.

[Interior: Brittany speaks to Vivian]

Brittany:

My lady, your daughter is dead. My lady? Aunt? Will you not go to her? Will you do nothing. [Mutters] This is the last time I spend my summer vacation doing school movies!

[Exterior]

Amy:

Be careful what you say. Do not look for welcome here.

[Brittany mourns the loss of the Queen's daughter in a separate chamber.]

Andrea:

Ohh she, she must have died sometime in the night. What a tragedy for the queen to lose her only daughter and heir. I understand her passing is hard to accept, especially now that your sister has deserted you.

Brittany:

Leave me alone, you snake!

Andrea:

Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, the bitter watches of the night. When all your life seems to shrink. The walls of your bower closing in about you. So fair, so cold, like a morning pale spring still clinging to winter's chill.

Brittany:

Your words are poison. [Looks around, adds in a regular tone.] Can you teach Kevy to speak like that? That's really good.

Andrea:

[Also looks around, then adds.] Why not? After we're finished shooting this flick I can try doing this - after all, after this flick even teaching that orang-utan will be easy.

Brittany:

Thanks!

[Brittany and Andrea exit. Amy, Archie, Mack, and Tiffany approach.]

Archie:

[flatly]You'll find more cheer in a graveyard.

[Guards approach.]

Amy:

Ah.

Cheerleader:

I cannot allow you before Vivian-queen so armed, Amy Grayhame. By order of Andrea Wormtongue.

[Amy nods, gesturing to the others to give up their weapons. Mack hands over his sword, then pulls out a knife from his clothing, handing that over, too. Tiffany hands over her knives and bow, and, rather reluctantly, Archie hands over his axe. With this done, they make their way to the entrance.]

cheerleader:

[Gesturing to Amy]: Your staff.

Amy:

Hmm? [She glances at her staff.]

[Innocently]: Oh. No, you would not part a... fully grown woman from her - walking stick?

[The girl nods, and gestures that they follow her into the hall. Amy winks at Mack, and they make their way into the hall.]

[Interior]

Andrea:

My Lady. Amy the Grey is coming. A herald of woe.

Amy:

The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late, Vivian-Queen.

Andrea:

She is not welcome.

Vivian:

Why should I welcome you, Amy - Stormcrow?

Andrea:

[In Vivian's ear]: A just question, my liege.

[Loudly, so all can hear]: Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. Lathspell spell I name her. Ill news is an ill guest.

Amy:

[Suddenly looking like Jake in a full rant-mode]Silence! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. [Forgetting words and mixing-up lines.] I have not passed through the furnace of death to bandy crooked words with an escapee from Telhousa's house of Kink!

Andrea:

[Slowly boiling up herself.] Why you.. Your staff...

[to the guards]: I told you to take the *itch's staff!

[There's a free-for-all battle, and when it is finished, Amy turns to Vivian - still fully staffed, but looking worse for wear.]

Amy:

Vivian, daughter of Mara. Too long have you sat in shadows.

Archie:

[To Andrea]: I would stay still if I were you.

Amy:

I will release you from the spell.

Vivian:

Hahaha! You have no powers here Amy the Grey. Haha! Ah!!

Amy:

I shall draw you, Rita, sis, as poison is drawn from a wound.

[Brittany rushes in, tries to go to Vivian, but Mack stops her.]

Mack:

Wait.

Vivian: [in Rita's voice]

If I go, Vivian dies.

Amy:

You did not kill me you will not kill her.

Vivian: [in Rita's voice]

Rohan is mine!

Amy:

Be gone!

[Rita's spell is broken. Vivian's face begins to change, into a much younger-looking woman. Brittany rushes up to her.]

Vivian:

I know your face. Brittany... Brittany.

Amy:

Breathe the free air again, my friend.

Vivian:

Dark my dreams have been of late.

Amy:

Your fingers would remember their old strength better... if they grasped your sword. [Looks pointedly at Andrea with her black eye.]

[The guard-girl runs up with her sword. Vivian draws it out, then her gaze turns to Andrea. The guards try to throw Andrea out of the hall but that isn't easy, since the Goth girl is much better than the cheerleaders when it comes to physical prowess, and so Andrea leaves the Golden Hall on her own two feet.]

Andrea:

Ah! I've only ever served you my lady

Vivian:

Your witchcraft would have had me crawling on all fours like a beast!

Andrea:

Send me not from your side!

[Vivian raises her foot to kick Andrea.]

Mack:

No my lady! Let her go. Enough time has been wasted on her account.

Andrea:

Get out of my way!

[Andrea exits.]

Mack:

Hail, Vivian, Queen!

Vivian:

Where is Alex? Where is my daughter?

[Vivian visits her Alex's grave.]

Vivian:

Simbelmyne. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears. Now it shall cover the grave of my daughter. Alas, that these evil days shall be mine. The young perish and the old linger. That I should live to see the last days of my house.

Amy:

Alex's death was not of your making.

Vivian:

No parent should have to bury their child.

Amy:

She was strong in life. Her spirits will find her way to the halls of your mothers.

[Eothain and Freya appear on the hill on horseback. Eothain falls off the horse.]

[Inside the Golden Hall, the two children eat under the care of Brittany.]

Amy:

[To Vivian, quietly, not for the camera] Then before I knew it, he was a she, the police were everywhere, and I either had to go and fight Sauron or face the court of the Valar. I chose the lesser evil...

Brittany:

[Clears her throat, indicating that they're back on air.] They had no warning. They were unarmed. Now the Goths are moving through Westfold, burning as they go, every rick and cot.

Freya

Where's momma?

Brittany:

Shh.

Amy:

This is but a taste of the terror that Rita will unleash. Even more potent for she is driven mad by the fear of "Mad Dog". Ride out and meet her head on. Draw her away from the women and children. You must fight.

Mack:

You have 2000 good men riding north as we speak. Nikki is loyal to you. Her men will return and fight for their queen.

Vivian:

They will be three hundred leagues from here by now. Nikki cannot help us. I know what is that you want of me. But I would not bring further death to my people. I will not risk open war.

Mack:

Open war is upon you, whether would risk it or not.

Vivian:

When last I looked, Vivian, not Mack, was ruler of Rohan.

Amy:

Then what is the ruler's decision?

[Cut to Exterior: a guard shouts to the people of Rohan.]

guard

By order of the queen, the city must empty. We make for the refuge of Helm's Deep. Do not burden yourself with treasures. Take only what provisions you need.

Archie:

Helm's Deep! They flee to the mountains when they should stand and fight. Who will defend them if not their queen?

Mack:

She is only doing what she thinks is best for her people. Helm's Deep has saved them in the past.

Amy:

There is no way out of that of ravine. Vivian is walking into a trap. She thinks she is leading them to safety but what she'll get is a massacre. Vivian has a strong hold but I fear for her. I fear for the survival of Rohan. She will need you before the end there, Mack. The people of Rohan will need you. The defences have to hold.

Mack:

They will hold.

Amy:

The Grey Pilgrim. That is what they used to call me. Three hundred lives of men have walked this earth and now, I have no time. Good luck. My search will not be in vain. Look to my coming. At first light of the fifth day at dawn, look to the East.

Mack:

Go.

[Amy exits on Shadowfax.]

[Brittany opens a chest to reveal a sword. She swings it around and is parried by Mack.]

Mack:

You have some skill with a blade.

Brittany:

Women of this country learned long ago that those without swords may still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain.

Mack:

What do you fear my lady?

Brittany:

A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them. And all chance of valour has gone beyond recall or desire.

Mack:

You are a daughter of queens. A shieldmaiden of Rohan. I do not think that will be your fate. [Adds, wryly] Not with all those cheerleader-hating jerks and Goths running around your country lately anyway.

[Meanwhile, at Isengard:]

andrea:

[Off view] No, you do not look like Minerva McGonegall of Harry Potter... [Moving into view] Vivian will not stay at Edoras. It is vulnerable. She knows this. She will expect an attack on the city. They will flee to Helm's Deep, the great fortress of Rohan. It is a dangerous road to take through the mountains. It will be slow. They will have women and children with them.

[Rita walks through the depths of Isengard. She approaches a football player.]

rita:

Send out your bikers.

[Upchuck is still leading Jane and Daria.]

Jane:

Hey Stinker! Don't go getting too far ahead!

Daria:

Why do you do that?

Jane:

What?

Daria:

Call him names? Run him down all the time.

Jane:

Because. 'Cause that's what he is, Daria. There's naught left in 'im but lies and deceit. He wants the Ring. It's all he cares about.

Daria:

You have no idea what it did to him. What is still doing to him. I want to help him Jane.

Jane:

Why?

Daria:

Because I have to believe he could come back.

Jane:

You can't save him, Daria.

Daria:

What do you know about it? Nothing! I'm sorry Jane. I don't know why I said that.

Jane:

I do. It's the Ring. You can't take your eyes off it. I've seen you. You're not eating. You barely sleep. It's taking a hold of you Daria. You have to fight it.

Daria:

I know what I have to do Jane. The Ring was entrusted to me. It's my task! Mine! My own!

Jane:

Can't you hear yourself? Don't you know who you sound like?

[Upchuck is off by himself at night.]

Upchuck:

We wants it, we needs it. Must have the Precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little wenches. Wicked, tricky, filths!

Charles:

"No! No! Mistress!"

Upchuck:

Yes. Precious first. They will cheat you, hurt you, and lie!

Charles:

Mistress's my friend.

Upchuck:

You don't have any friends. Nobody likes you.

Charles:

Not listening. Not listening.

Upchuck:

You're a liar, and a thief.

Charles:

No.

Upchuck:

Murderer!

Charles:

Go away.

Upchuck:

Go away?! Hahahaha!

Charles:

I hate you, I hate you.

Upchuck:

Where would you be without me? Upchuck. Upchuck. I saved us. It was me. We survived because of me.

Charles:

Not anymore.

Upchuck:

What did you say?

Charles:

Mistress looks after us now. We don't need you.

Upchuck:

What?

Charles:

Leave now and never come back.

Upchuck:

No!

Charles:

Leave now and never come back!

Upchuck:

Ahh!

Charles:

LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK!

[Silence]

Charles:

We told him to go away! And away he goes, precious. Gone, gone, gone, Charles is free!

[The next day Charles comes back with two rabbits (who look like they were recently brought out of the freezer) and puts them to Daria's lap.]

Charles:

Look! Look! See what Charles finds! Heeh! Yoohoo! They are young! They are tender and nice. Yes they are! Eat them. Eat them.

Jane:

Make him sick you will, behaving like that. There's only one way to eat a brace of coneys.

[Jane cooks the rabbits in a pot.]

Charles:

Arggh!! What you are doing! Foolish girl! You ruin it!

Jane:

Whats to ruin? There's hardly any meat on them. What we need it a few good taters.

Charles:

What are taters? Precious, what are taters? Huh?

Jane:

Po-ta-toes!! Boil them, mash them, and stick them in a stew. Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish.

Charles:

Hooh!

Jane:

Even you couldn't say no to that.

Charles:

Oh yes we could. Ssspoiling nice fish! Give it to ussss raw. and wwwriggling. You keep nasty chips!

Jane:

You're hopeless. Daria?

[Daria sees an army of the Easterling soldiers marching nearby.]

Jane:

Who are they?

Charles:

Wicked men, servants of "Mad Dog". They are called to Mordor. The Dark One is gathering all armies to him. It won't be long now. It will soon be ready.

Jane:

Ready to do what?

Charles:

To make His war. The last war that will cover all the world in shadow.

Daria:

We've got to keep moving. C'mon Jane.

Jane:

Daria! Look! It's an Elephant! No one at home will believe this.

[Charles sneaks away.]

Daria:

Charles?

[Chaos breaks out when the Easterlings are attacked from the bushes.]

Daria:

We've lingered here for too long. C'mon Jane!

[Daria and Jane are caught by men.]

Jane:

Ah!

SAm Griffin:

Bind their hands.

[The villagers or Rohan are heading towards Helm's Deep.]

archie:

It's true you don't see many nerd women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, they are often mistaken for nerd men.

mack:

It's the glasses and haircuts and clothes.

archie:

And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no nerds women. And the nerds just, spring out of holes in the computers! Which is of course ridiculous. Whoa!

[Archie falls from his horse.]

It's alright! It's alright. Nobody panic. That was deliberate. It was deliberate.

[At night and Mack drifts off to sleep.]

Jodie

The light of the Evenstar does not wax and wane. It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart. Go to sleep.

Mack:

I am asleep. This is a dream.

Jodie

Then it is a good dream. Sleep.

Mack:

Sleep...

Minlы pedich Nin, i aur hen telitha.[Translation: "You told me once, this day would come."]

Jodie:

Ъ i vethed...nв i onnad. Boe bedich go Daria. Han bвd lоn.

[Translation: "This is not the end. It is the beginning. You must go with Daria. That is your path."]

Mack:

Dolen i vвd o Nin.

[Translation: "My path is hidden from me."]

Jodie:

Si peliannen i vвd Na Dail lоn. Si boe ъ-dhannathach.

[Translation: "It is already laid before your feet, you cannot falter now."]

Mack:

Jodie.

Jodie

Ae ъ-esteliach NAD... estelio Han. Estelio ammen.

[Translation: "If you trust nothing else, trust this. Trust us."]

[Mack and the Rohirrim continue their journey.]

Brittany:

Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel?

[Flashback to Andrew Landon conversing with Mack at Rivendell:]

ANDREW LANDON

Our time here is ending. Jodie's time is ending. Let her go. Let her take the ship into the West. Let her bear away her love for you to the undying lands, there to be ever green.

Mack:

But never more than a memory.

ANDREW LANDON

I will not leave my daughter here to die.

Mack:

She stays because she still has hope.

ANDREW LANDON

She stays for YOU! She belongs with her people.

[Mack meets Jodie before the departure of the Fellowship.]

Mack:

Edra le men, men Na guil edwen... haer o auth an nоr a naeth.[Translation: "You have a chance for another life ...away from war... grief... despair."]

Jodie

Why are you saying this?

Mack:

I'm mortal. You are elf kind. It was a dream Jodie, nothing more.

[Mack tries to give the Evenstar back to Jodie.]

Mack:

This belongs to you.

Jodie

It was a gift. Keep it.

[Flashback ends.]

Brittany:

My lord?

Mack:

She is sailing to the undying lands, with all that is left of her kin.

a cheerleader:

What is it? Anne?

Anne

I'm not sure.

[A biker scout appears above them and attacks Anne, killing her. Tiffany immediately comes to the rescue, shooting with his bow.]

Tiffany:

A scout!

Vivian:

What is it? What do you see?

Mack:

Bikers! We are under attack!

Vivian:

All riders to the head of the column!

Archie:

C'mon get me up here, I'm a rider. Agh!

Vivian:

You must lead the people to Helm's Deep and make haste.

Brittany:

I can fight!

Vivian:

No! You must do this. For me.

Vivian:

Follow me!

Archie:

Forward, forward, march forward.

Brittany:

[To the villagers]: Make for the lower ground. Stick together!

[The bikers and the Rohirrim crash at full speed. They fight like men (and women). Archie falls of the horse and a riderless biker heads towards him.]

Archie:

Bring your pretty face to my axe!

[Tiffany brings the bike down.]

Archie:

That one counts as mine!

[A broken bike lands on Archie.]

Archie:

Argh! Blasted device!

[Mack catches his hand in the harness of a bike, and fights with the rider, who finally falls off. Mack and the bike tumble off the cliff.]

Archie:

Where is Mack?

Tiffany:

Mack?

[Tiffany spots a Football Player on the ground, laughing.]

Tiffany:

Where is he? Speak up!

player:

Ghee, seems like your friend took a little tumble off the cliff.

Tiffany:

You lie!

[The Player dies, and Tiffany sees the Player is holding Evenstar in his hand. She takes it, and runs to the edge of the cliff. As she looks down, we see a long drop to a fast moving river below, but Mack is not to be seen. Archie comes to stand beside Tiffany.]

Vivian:

[To her women]: Get the wounded on horses. The bikers of Isengard will return. Leave the dead.

[Tiffany turns to look at Vivian, an expression of perplexed anger on her face.]

Vivian:

[She places his hand on Tiffany' shoulder.]

[Gently]: Come.

[Vivian leaves, but Tiffany and Archie remain, still looking down into the river in disbelief.]

[We see the villagers of Rohan approaching the refuge of Helm's Deep. They shout in joy and relief, as it comes into sight.]

Refugees:

Helm's Deep! At last! There it is!

Old Woman:

[To Brittany]: We're safe, my lady! Thank you!

[Brittany embraces the woman, as they walk on towards the refuge. The gate is opened for them, and we are given our first sight of the inside of Helm's deep. We see that many of the villagers have already arrived, and there are many resting inside, along the corridors of the great stone refuge. Out of the confusion, Eothain and Freda run into their mother's arms.]

Freya:

Mama!

Mother:

Freya! Freya!

[As the three embrace, Queen Vivian enters with his men.]

GUARD:

Make way for Vivian! Make way for the Queen!

[Brittany runs out to meet them.]

Brittany:

So few!

[She watches, as a small and weary crowd of Vivian's women move past her, and into the refuge.]

[Anxiously]: So few of you have returned!

Vivian:

[As she dismounts]:

Our people are safe. We have paid for it with my many lives.

[Archie makes his way to Brittany.]

Archie:

My lady...

Brittany:

[Much concerned, as though she has already guessed what is to come.]

[Slowly]: Lord Mack, where is he?

Archie:

[With bowed head]:

He fell...

[Shaken and teary-eyed, Brittany raises her gaze to look at Vivian. Unable to look her niece in the eye, Vivian looks down and walks away.]

[At the battlements]:

Vivian:

Draw all our forces behind the wall. Bar the gate, and set a watch on the surround.

GUARD

What of those who cannot fight my lady? The old and children?

Vivian:

Get them into the caves. Rita's arm would have grown long indeed if she thinks she can reach us here.

[At Isengard:]

Andrea:

Helm's Deep has but one weakness. Its outer wall is solid rock for except for a small culvert in space which is little more than a drain.

[Rita pours explosives into a metallic ball.]

Andrea:

How? How can fire undo stone? What kind of device can break down a wall?

Rita:

If the wall is breached, Helm's Deep will fall.

Andrea:

Even if it is breached, it would take a number beyond reckoning, thousands to storm the keep.

Rita:

Tens of thousands.

Andrea:

But, my lady, there is no such force.

[They walk to the balcony of the tower Orthanc and Andrea looks in awe at tens of thousands of Jocks.]

Andrea:

[Wryly]See you already covered that part.

Rita:

A new power is rising. Its victory is at hand. This night the land will be stained with the blood of Rohan! March to Helm's Deep! Leave none alive! To war! There will be no dawn for weaklings.

[Quinn and Stacy are walking towards Isengard.]

Stacy:

Look! The smoke to the south!

Treebeard:

There is always smoke rising up from Isengard these days.

Quinn:

Isengard?

Treebeard:

There was a time, when Rita would walk in my woods, but now, she has a mind of metal and wheels. She no longer cares for growing things.

[Quinn spots something.]

Stacy:

What is it?

Quinn:

It's Rita's army! The war has started.

[Mack floats down the river and washes ashore. He dreams of Jodie.]

Jodie

May the grace of the Valar protect you.

[Brego the horse arrives and Mack comes to and mounts him.]

[At Rivendell:]

ANDREW LANDON:

Jodie. Tollen I lы. I chair gwannar Na Valannor. Si bado, no cнrar.

[Translation: "Jodie. It is time. The ships are leaving for Valinor. Go now before it is too late."]

Jodie:

I've made my choice.

ANDREW LANDON:

He is not coming back. Why do you linger when there is no hope?"

Jodie:

There is still hope.

ANDREW LANDON:

If Mack survives this war, You will still be parted. If "mad Dog" is defeated and Mack made king and all that you hoped for comes true... you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by the sword or the slow decay of time, Mack will die. And there will be no comfort for you.

No comfort to ease the pain of his passing. He will come to death. An image of the splendour of the kings of men in glory, undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, my daughter, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt. As night falling winter has come without a star. Here you will dwell, bound to you grief, under the fading trees, until all the world has changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent. Jodie... there is nothing for you here, only death.

An im, ъ-'Erin veleth lоn?

[Translation: "Do I not also have your love?"

Jodie

Gerich meleth nоn, ada.

[Translation: "You have my love father."]

[The Elves (including Jodie) depart Rivendell.]

ASHLEY-AMBER

I amar prestar aen, Han mathon ne nen, Han mathon ne chae a Han noston Ned 'wilith.[Translation: "The world is changed; I can feel it in the water, I can feel it in the earth, I can smell it in the air."]

The power of the enemy is growing. "Mad Dog" will use his puppet Rita to destroy the people of Rohan. Isengard has been unleashed. The Eye of "Mad Dog" now turns to Gondor. The last free kingdom of men. His war on this country will come swiftly. He senses the Ring is close. The strength of the Ringbearer is failing.

In her heart, Daria begins to understand. The quest will claim her life. You know this. You have foreseen it. We all took the risk. In the gathering dark, the will of the Ring grows strong. It works hard now to find its way back into the hands of men. Men, who are so easily seduced by its power. The young captain of Gondor has but to extend his hand to take the Ring for his own and the world will fall. He is close now, so close to achieving his goal. For "Mad Dog" will have dominion over all life on this Earth, even until the ending of the world. The time of the elves is over. Do we leave Middle-Earth to this fate? Do we let them stand alone?

[Sam Griffin and his men look over a map.]

Sam Griffin:

What news?

Tad Gupty:

Our scouts report Rita has attacked Rohan. Vivian's people have fled to Helm's Deep. But we must look to our own borders. Sam Griffin, Orcs are on the move. "Mad Dog" is marshalling an army. Easterlings and Southrons are passing through the Black Gate.

Sam Griffin:

How many?

Tad Gupty:

Some thousands. More come every day.

Sam Griffin:

Who's covering the river to the north?

Tad Gupty:

We pulled five hundred men out of Osgiliath, but if the city is attacked, we won't hold it.

Sam Griffin:

Rita attacks from Isengard. "Mad Dog" from Mordor. The fight will come to men on both fronts. Gondor is weak. "Mad Dog" will strike us soon. And he will strike hard. He knows now we do not have the strength to repel him."

Sam Griffin:

[To Jane and Daria]: My men tell me that you are Orc spies.

Jane:

Spies! Now wait just a minute.

Sam Griffin:

Well if you're not spies, then who are you? Speak!

Daria:

We are girls of the Shire. Daria Morgendorffer is my name and this is Jane Lane.

Sam Griffin:

Your bodyguard?

Jane:

Her gardener.

Sam Griffin:

And where is your skulking friend? That gangrel creature. He had an ill-favoured look.

Daria:

There was no other. We set out from Rivendell with seven companions. One we lost in Moria. Two were my kin. A dwarf there was also. And an elf. And two seniors. Mack, son of Michael and Sandi of Gondor.

Sam Griffin:

You were friend of Sandi?

Daria:

Yes, for my part.

Sam Griffin:

It would grieve you then to learn that he is dead?

Daria:

Dead? How? When?

Sam Griffin:

As one of her companions, I had hoped you would tell me. She was my sister.

Lorne:

Captain Sam Griffin. We found it.

Sam Griffin:

You must come with me. Now.

[Daria is led outside.]

Sam Griffin:

Down there.

[Daria looks down to the Forbidden Pool and sees Charles dive in it.]

Sam Griffin:

To enter the Forbidden Pool bears the penalty of death.

[Archers step out from the bushes, arrows on strings, ready to shoot.]

Sam Griffin:

They wait for my command. Shall they shoot?

Charles:

[Singing]:

Rock and pool,

Is nice and cool,

So juicy sweeeet.

I only wish,

To catch a fish,

So juicy sweeeeet!

[Sam Griffin eye moves from Daria, to Upchuck, and to the archers, his hand raised, preparing to command the archers. But, just as he seems about to make the final movement, Daria speaks.]

Daria:

Wait.

[Sam Griffin stops, and turns to Daria.]

This creature is bound to me. And I to him. He is our guide. [Sam Griffin raises his eyebrows.]

[Pleadingly]: Please, let me go down to him.

[Sam Griffin nods, and we see Daria make his way down to the Forbidden Pool. Daria comes to tall rock face on entering the Pool, and stops behind it.]

Daria:

Charles. Mistress is here.

[He beckons for Charles to come to him.]

Come, Charles. Trust mistress. Come.

Charles:

We must... go now?

Daria:

Charles, you must trust Mistress. Follow me, come on. Come. Come, Charles. Nice Charles. That's it. Come on.

[As Charles comes to the rock face behind which Daria stands, Sam Griffin's men jump on him, wrestling him to the ground.]

Daria:

Don't hurt him! Charles doesn't struggle! Charles, listen to me!

Charles:

[Wailing]: Mistress!

[A black cloth is thrown over Charles's head. Daria stares after them, distraught, as Sam Griffin leads Charles and his men away.]

[Charles is brought to the cave, and thrown to the ground. Crying, he curls up in a corner.]

Sam Griffin:

Where are you leading them? Answer me!

Upchuck:

Charles... Why do you cry, Charles?

Charles:

Cruel men hurt us. Mistress tricked us.

Upchuck:

Of course he did. I told you he was tricky. I told you he was false.

Charles:

Mistress is our friend... our friend.

Upchuck:

Mistress betrayed ussss!

Charles:

No, not it's business. Leave us alone.

Upchuck:

Feisty girls! They stole it from usss!

Charles:

No... no...

Sam Griffin:

What did they steal?

Upchuck:

[Shouting, angrily]: My - PRECIOUS!!!!

[Jane and Daria are huddled in a room.]

Jane:

Explain to me, why can't we use force to get ourselves out? These are six-graders, for crying out loud and lower!

Daria:

Hey, it's the contract, Jane. Besides, if we hurt them, we'll be law-suited our pants off, according to mom.

Jane:

Nuts. [Sees they're back on the air.] We have to get out of here. You go. Go now. You can do it. Use the Ring, Mr. Daria. Just this once. Put it on. Disappear.

Daria:

I can't. You were right, Jane. You tried to tell me. I'm sorry. The Ring's taking me, Jane. If I put it on, He'll find me. He'll see.

Jane:

Daria...

[Suddenly Sam Griffin enters, and draws his sword.]

Sam Griffin:

So... this is the answer to all the riddles. Here in the wild I have you. Two girls and a host of men at my call. And the Ring of power within my grasp. A chance for Sam Griffin, captain of Gondor, to show his quality.

Daria:

No!

Jane:

Stop it! Leave her alone! Don't you understand?! She's got to destroy it. That's where we're going. To Mordor. To the Mountain of Fire.

Chris Griffin:

[Entering]: Osgiliath is under attack. They call for reinforcements.

Jane:

[To Sam Griffin]: Please. It's such a burden. Will you not help him?

Chris Griffin

Captain?

Sam Griffin:

Prepare to leave. The Ring will go to Gondor.

[Mack sees the army of Rita and quickly rides to Helm's Deep.]

Mack:

Mae carnen, Brego, Mellon nоn.

[Translation: "Well done, Brego, my friend."]

[Mack enters Helm's Deep.]

Archie:

Where is he! Where is he! Get out of my way! I'm going to kill him! You are the luckiest, the cunningest, and most reckless man I ever knew! Bless you, laddie!

Mack:

Archie, where is the king?

[Mack encounter Tiffany.]

Tiffany:

Le ab-dollen.[Translation: "You're late."]

You look terrible.

[From a distance, Brittany watches them talk, and moves as though meaning to join them. But she stops, when Tiffany takes out the Evenstar, and returns it to Mack.]

Mack:

Hannon le.

[Translation: "Thank you."]

[Inside, Mack talks to Vivian.]

Vivian:

A great host, you say?

Mack:

All Isengard is emptied.

Vivian:

How many?

Mack:

Ten thousand strong at least.

Vivian:

Ten-thousand?!

Mack:

It is an army bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of Men. They will be here by nightfall.

Vivian:

Let them come.

[Vivian walks outside.]

Vivian:

I want every woman and strong lass able to bear arms, to be ready for battle by nightfall. We will cover the causeway and the gate from above. No army has ever breached the Deeping wall or set foot inside the Hornburg.

Archie:

This is no rabble of mindless jocks. These are Football Players. Their armour is thick and their shields broad.

Vivian:

I have fought many wars, Master Nerd. I know how to defend my own keep. They will break upon this fortress like water on rock. Rita's hordes will pillage and burn. We've seen it before. Crops can be resown. Homes rebuilt. Within these walls, we will outlast them.

Mack:

They do not come to destroy Rohan's crops or villages. They come to destroy its people. Down to the last child!

Vivian:

What would you have me do? Look at my people. Their courage hangs by a thread. If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end as to be worthy of remembrance!

Mack:

Send out riders, my lady. You must call for aid.

Vivian:

And who will come. Elves? Dwarves? We are not so lucky in our friends as you. The old alliances are dead.

Mack:

Gondor will answer.

Vivian:

Gondor? Where was Gondor when the Westfold fell? Where was Gondor when our enemies closed in around us? Where was Gon.. No, my lord Mack, we are alone.

[Vivian walks away from Mack.]

Vivian:

Get the women and children into the caves.

A guard:

We need more time to lay provisions for a siege, lord.

Vivian:

There is no time. War is upon us!

A guard:

Secure the gate.

[Meanwhile, back in Fangorn:]

Treebeard:

The ents have not troubled about the wars of men and wizards for a very long time. But now something is about to happen that has not happened for an age: ENT moot.

Quinn:

What's that?

Treebeard:

It is a gathering.

Quinn:

A gathering of what?

[Ents begin to surround them.]

Treebeard:

Beech, Oak, Chestnut, Ash. Good, good, good many have come. Now we must decide if the ents will go to war.

[Back at Helm's Deep. We see the people are taken into the caves. Husbands and sons are taken away from their wives and mothers and are given weapons.]

Mack:

Farmers, furriers, stable boys. These are no soldiers.

Archie:

Most have seen too many winters.

Tiffany:

Or too few. Look at them. They're frightened. I can see it in their eyes.

Boe a hyn: neled herain dan caer menig.

[Translation: "And they should be. 300 against 10 000."]

Mack:

Si beriathar hэn ammaeg nв Ned Edoras.

[Translation: "They have a better chance defending themselves here than in Edoras."]

Tiffany:

Mack, nedin dagor hen ъ-'erir otheri. Natha daged dhaer.

[Translation: "They cannot win this fight. They are all going to die!"]

Mack:

Then I shall die as one them!

[Mack exits.]

Archie:

[To Tiffany]: Let him go, girl. Let him be.

[Vivian is preparing to put on his armour.]

A guard:

Every villager able to wield a sword has been sent to the armoury. My lord?

Vivian:

Who am I, Charlene?

charlene:

You are our queen, sire.

Vivian:

And do you trust your queen?

charlene:

You're women, my lady, will follow you to whatever end.

Vivian:

To whatever end. Where are the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountains. Like wind in the meadow. The days have gone down in the west. Behind the hills, into shadow. How did it come to this?

[Mack is sitting alone on stairs. He sees a confused looking boy with a sword.]

Mack:

Give me your sword. What is your name?

Haleth:

Hбleth, son of Hбma, my lord. The men are saying that we will not live out the night. They say that it is hopeless.

[Mack stands up and wields the sword.]

Mack:

This is a good sword, Hбleth, son of Hбma. There is always hope.

[Inside, Mack is putting on his armour. Tiffany is suddenly behind him and hands him his sword.]

Tiffany:

We have trusted you this far and you have not led us astray. Forgive me. I was wrong to despair.

Mack:

Ъ-moe edhored, Tiffany.

[Translation: "There is nothing to forgive, Tiffany."]

[Archie gets into his armour, then looks down hopelessly. The armour drags across the floor.]

Archie:

If we had time, I'd get this adjusted. It's a little tight across the chest.

[A sound of a horn is heard from outside. It is no Orc horn.]

Tiffany:

That is no jock horn!

[They rush outside.]

Hasslebak:

Send for the king. Open the gate!

[The gates are opened, and an army of elves march in.]

Vivian:

How is this possible?

Brian Taylor:

I bring word from Andrew Landon of Rivendell. An alliance once existed between Elves and Men. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honour that allegiance.

Mack:

Mae govannen, Brian!

[Translation: "Welcome Brian"]

You are most welcome!

Brian Taylor:

We are proud to fight alongside men, once more.

[Rita's army approaches. Tiffany stands ready to fight, but Archie looks up, frustrated, for his head stands well below the wall, and he cannot see a thing.]

Archie:

Arg... You could have picked a better spot.

[Mack approaches.]

Archie:

Well lad, the luck you live by, let's hope it lasts the night.

Tiffany:

Your friends are with you, Mack.

Archie:

Let's hope they last the night.

[Mack gives a final pep talk to the Elves.]

Mack:

An Eruchin, ъ-dano I faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le.

[Translation: "Show them no mercy! For you shall receive none!"

Archie:

[Impatiently]: What's happening out there?

Tiffany:

[Smiling] Shall I describe it to you? Or would you like me to find you a can of glass-cleaning liquid?

[Everything draws to a halt, and then an old woman accidentally shoots a jerk.]

Mack:

Dartho!

[Translation: "Hold!"]

[The Uruks roar in anger and charge.]

Vivian:

So it begins.

Tiffany:

[To the Elves]:

Faeg i-varv dоn Na lanc a nu ranc!

[Translation: "Their armour is weak at the neck and under the arms."

Mack:

Hado I philinn!

[Translation: "Fire!"]

[The Elves shoot.]

Archie:

Anybody hit anything?

Vivian:

Give them a volley.

Charlene:

Fire!

Mack:

Keep firing!

Archie:

Come on! Send them to them!

Mack:

Pendraith!

[Translation: "Ladders!"]

Archie:

Good!

[The Jocks climb ladders and enter and battle the heroes.]

Archie:

Tiffany, two already!

Tiffany:

I'm on seventeen!

Archie:

Arg! I'll have no pointy-ear outscoring me!

Tiffany:

Nineteen!

[Back at Entmoot:]

Stacy:

Quinn!

Treebeard:

We have just agreed.

[Pause]

Quinn:

Yes?

Treebeard:

I have told your names to the ENT moot and we have agreed: you are not Orcs.

Stacy:

Well that's good news.

Quinn:

And what about Rita? Have you come to a decision about him?

Treebeard:

Now don't be hasty, Mistress Morgendorffer

Quinn:

Hasty? Our friends are out there. They need our help! They cannot fight this war on their own.

Treebeard:

War, yes. It affects us all. But you must understand, young girl. It takes a long time to say anything in old entish, and we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.

[At Helm's Deep:]

Archie:

Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty one. Twenty two.

Mack:

Northway! Nauthannen!

Vivian:

Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Rita?

[Below, a soldier carrying a torch is running towards the hole, Olympiad style. Mack sees this and calls for Tiffany.]

Mack:

Dago Han! Dago Han, Tiffany! Dago Han!!!

[Translation: "Kill him! Kill him, Tiffany! Kill him!"]

[Tiffany hits the solider with two arrows, but fails to kill it, and the soldier takes out the wall with its explosives. Rita's army start to crowd through the hole in the wall.]

Vivian:

Brace the gates! Hold them! Stand fast!

Mack:

Archie! Prepare to charge!

Hado I philinn! Herio!

[Translation: "Hurl the arrows! Charge!"]

[At Entmoot:]

Treebeard:

The ents cannot hold back this war. We must weather such things as we have always done.

Quinn:

How can that be your decision?

Treebeard:

This is not our war.

Quinn:

But your part of this world! Aren't you. You must help. Please. You must do something.

Treebeard:

You are young and brave, mistress Quinn. But your part in this tale is over. Go back to your home.

Stacy:

Maybe Treebeard's right. We don't belong here, Quinn. It's too big for us. What can we do in the end? We've got the Shire. Maybe we should go home.

quinn:

The fires of Isengard will spread. And the woods of Tuckburough and Buckland will burn. And all that was once green and good in this world will be gone. There won't be a Shire, Stacy.

Stacy:

Eeep!

[Back at Helm's Deep:]

Vivian:

Mack, pull back to the gate!

Mack:

Na Barad! Na Barad! Brian! Na Barad!

[Translation: "To the Keep! To the Keep! Brian! To the Keep!"]

[Brian nods at him and calls for the others. Archie is been dragged away against his will.]

Archie:

What are you doing? Stop it!

[Brian is killed.]

Mack:

Brian!

Charlene:

Brace the gate!

Vivian:

To the gate! Draw your swords!

Charlene:

We can't hold much longer.

Vivian:

Hold them!

[Mack approaches.]

Mack:

How long do you need?

Vivian:

As long as you can give me!

Mack:

Archie!

[Mack and Archie exit through a secret side gate.]

Archie:

Come on. We can take them!

Mack:

It's a long way.

Archie:

Toss me.

Mack:

What?

Archie:

I cannot jump the distance so you have to toss me. Ehh.. Don't tell Tiff.

Mack:

Not a word.

[Mack tosses Archie, the jumps the gap, himself. The two of them battle the Orcs at the front gate, slaughtering many.]

Vivian:

Shore ups the door!

Vivian:

Archie! Mack! Get out of there!

Tiffany:

[From above]: Mack!

[Tiffany throws down a rope, and Mack and Archie are pulled to safety.]

Vivian:

Pull everybody back. Pull them back!

Charlene:

Pull back! Pull back! Retreat! Retreat!

Mack:

Hurry! Get them inside! Come, to the keep!

[Meanwhile, back at Fangorn Forest...]

Treebeard:

I will leave you at the western borders of the forest. You can make your way north to your homeland from there.

Quinn:

Wait! Stop! Stop! Turn around. Turn around. Take us south!

Treebeard:

South? But that will lead you past Isengard.

quinn:

Yes. Exactly. If we go south we can slip past Rita unnoticed. The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. It's the last thing she'll expect.

Treebeard:

Hmmmm. That doesn't make sense to me. But then, you are very small. Perhaps your right. South it is then. Hold on, little girls. I always like going south. Somehow it feels like going downhill.

stacy:

Are you mad, we'll be caught.

quinn:

No we won't. Not this time.

[Sam Griffin and his company arrive approach Osgiliath with Daria, Jane, and Upchuck as captives.]

tad gupty:

Look. Osgiliath burns. Mordor has come.

daria:

The Ring will not save Gondor. It has only the power to destroy. Please, let me go.

[Sam Griffin looks at Daria, but then gestures to his men to move.]

Sam Griffin:

Hurry.

daria:

[Desperately-angrily]: Sam Griffin, you must let me go!

[Treebeard approaches the edge of Fangorn Forest.]

Treebeard:

... and a little family of field mice that climb up sometimes and it tickles me awfully. They're always trying to get somewhere.

[Treebeard walks into an open area, where every tree has been brutally cut down.]

Treebeard:

Many of these trees were my friends. Creatures I had known from nut and acorn.

quinn:

I'm sorry, Treebeard.

Treebeard:

They had voices of their own. Rita. A witch should know better!

[Treebeard lets out a powerful call that reverberates throughout Fangorn.]

Treebeard:

[With wrath]: There is no curse in elfish, entish or the tongues of men for this treachery! My business is with Isengard tonight. With a rock and stone.

[The Ents march out of the forest.]

stacy:

Yes!

Treebeard:

Rбrum-rum! Come my friends. The ents are going to war. It is likely that we go to our doom. The last march of the ents.

[The Ents march to Isengard, and back at Osgiliath...]

Tad Gupty:

Sam Griffin, Orcs have taken the eastern shore. Their numbers are too great. By nightfall we'll be overrun.

[Daria stumbles.]

Jane:

Daria!

Daria:

It's calling to him, Jane. His Eye is almost on me.

Jane:

Hold on, Daria.

Sam Griffin:

[To his men]: Take them to my father. Tell him Sam Griffin sends a mighty gift. A weapon that will change our fortunes in this war.

Jane:

You want to know what happened to Sandi? You want to know why your sister died? She tried to take the Ring from Daria. After swearing an oath to protect her, she tried to kill her! The Ring drove your sister cuckoo!

[The Ringwraiths approach. Daria knows.]

Jane:

Daria?

Daria:

They're here. They've come.

Ringwraith:

[Screeches]

Sam Griffin:

Nazgыl!

[A Ringwraith fly over Osgiliath and Sam Griffin leads the girls to safety.]

Sam Griffin:

Stay here. Keep out of sight. Take cover!

[Back at Helm's Deep:]

Vivian:

The fortress is taken. It is over.

Mack:

You said this fortress would never fall while your men defend it. They still defend it. They have died defending it! Is there no other way for the women and children to get out of the caves? Is there no other way?

Charlene:

There is one passage. It leads into the mountains. But they will not get far. The enemy is too many.

Mack:

Send word for the women and children to make for the mountain pass. And barricade the entrance!

Vivian:

So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate?

Mack:

Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them.

Vivian:

For death and glory?

Mack:

For Rohan. For your people.

Archie:

The sun is rising.

(Flashback Voiceover) Amy:

Look to my coming at first light on the fifth day. At dawn look to the East.

Vivian:

Yes. Yes! The Horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the deep one last time.

Archie:

Yes!

[Archie climbs up to blow the Horn.]

Vivian:

Let this be the hour when we draw swords together. Fell deeds await. Now for wrath. Now for ruin. And the red dawn!

Vivian:

Forth Eorlingas!

[Mack, Tiffany, Vivian, ride out and clear a path. Suddenly an old friend appears on the eastern ridge with the rising sun.]

Mack:

Amy.

Amy:

Vivian-queen stands alone.

[Another appears.]

Nikki:

Not alone. Rohirrim!

Vivian:

Nikki!

Nikki:

To the queen!

[Amy and the Riders of Rohan ride through the army of Orcs.]

[Rita looks on in disbelief as Isengard is ripped apart by the Ents.]

Treebeard:

A hit. A fine hit. Break the dam! Release the river!

Quinn:

Stacy, hold on!

Treebeard:

Hold on, little girls!

[The waters swallow Isengard as Treebeard with the hobbits and the rest of the Ents stand their ground.]

[Back to Osgiliath, Daria walks out into the open.]

Jane:

What are you doing? Where are you going?

[The Ringwraith riding the Fell Rider approaches. Daria is about to put on the Ring when Jane runs up and tackles him. Sam Griffin shoots the Ringwraith's steed with his bow. The hobbits roll down the stairs, Jane landing on Daria who rolls over and draws his sword preparing to kill Jane.]

Jane:

It's me. It's your Jane. Don't you know your Jane?

[Daria comes to her senses.]

Daria:

I can't do this, Jane.

Jane:

I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Daria. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened.

[Mack and Brittany embrace as Rohan is victorious at Helm's Deep.]

Jane:

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

[The sun shines on Isengard, as Stacy, Quinn, and the Ents celebrate victory.]

Jane:

Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Daria, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. Because they were holding on to something.

Daria:

What are we holding on to, Jane?

Jane:

That there's some good in this world, Daria. And it's worth fighting for.

Sam Griffin:

I think at last we understand one another, Daria Morgendorffer.

A boy:

You know the laws of our country. The laws of your mother. If you let them go, your life will be forfeit.

Sam Griffin:

Then it is forfeit. Release them.

[Amy and company look East, towards Mordor.]

Amy:

"Mad Dog's" wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift. The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle-Earth is about to begin. All our hopes now lie with two girls, one of which is my niece. Somewhere in the wilderness.

[Daria and Jane are once again in the wilderness, led by Upchuck.]

Jane:

I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales.

Daria:

What?

Jane:

I wonder if people will ever say, 'let's hear about Daria and the Ring.'

And they'll say, 'yes, that's one of my favourite stories. Daria was really courageous, wasn't she, dad.'

'Yes, my boy, the most famousest of girls. And that's saying alot.'

Daria:

'You left out one of the chief characters. Jane the Brave. I want to hear more about Jane. Daria wouldn't have got far without Jane.'

Jane:

Now Daria, you shouldn't make fun. I was being serious.

Daria:

So was I.

Jane:

Jane the Brave.

Daria:

Charles!

Jane:

We're not going to wait for you. Come on.

[Charles is a bit ahead.]

Charles:

Mistress... Mistress looks after us. Mistress wouldn't hurt us.

Upchuck:

Mistress broke his promise!

Charles:

Don't ask Charles. Poor, poor Charles.

Upchuck:

Mistress betrayed us! Wicked, tricky, filth! We ought to ring his filthy little neck! Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both. Then we take the Precious and we are the bosses.

Charles:

But the thin girl. She knows. Eyes always watching.

Upchuck:

Then we stab them out. Put out her eyes. And make him crawl.

Charles:

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Upchuck:

Kill them both.

Charles:

Yes! No. No. It's too risky, it's too risky.

Jane:

Where's he gone? Oi! Upchuck, where are you?

Daria:

Charles?

Upchuck:

We could let her do it.

Charles:

Yes. She could do it.

Upchuck:

Yes, Precious she could. And then we take it once they're dead.

Charles:

Once they're dead. Hush! Come on, hobbits. Long ways to go yet. Charles will show you the way. Follow me.

[Fade to black.]