-The Thought That Counts- (Setting: Daria's room; she is lying on her bed reading 'Murder in Mesopotamia' when the phone rings - and Jake calls from downstairs.) Jake: Daria! You're friend's on the phone! Daria: Got it dad! - Hey Jane. Still pissed at Defoe for criticizing your 'masterpiece'? Jane: Don't remind me. If she would have let me do my own thing in the first place, it wouldn't have ended up looking like a huge pile of 2 dimensional crap. Daria: And your other works of art *don't* look like huge piles of crap? Jane: Ha ha Daria -- you really crack me up sometimes. Anyway, that's not why I called. Daria: Really. I can't think of anything more important to you then art, except sometimes maybe Jesse. And pizza, occasionally. Maybe -- Jane: Just shut up for a minute. I don't know *how* I could have never mentioned this before... But guess who's birthday is coming up? Daria: This wont work Jane, I know your birth didn't happen *that* many times in one year. Jane: Nope, not mine, but your close. Guess again. Daria: Hmm... Benedict Arnold? Jane: I guess you're life-long dream of becoming a successful Jeopardy contestant is a pretty far-fetched one. Trent's birthday is this Saturday! You're gonna help me with the party preparations. Daria: Wait a minute -- isn't this sort of a late notice? Jane: Yeah... But I just figured out that it'll work, since Trent wont be back in town until tomorrow night. Mom dragged him to some clay convention because of it's 'spiritual enhancement' or something. Daria: You actually made *contact* with one of your parents? Jane: Surprising, isn't it... Well are you coming? Daria: Where? Jane: To help me out tomorrow after school -- and then you can stay for the party, of course. Daria: I don't know. I'm not really a party person. Jane: Hey, this isn't just *any* party, it's my big brother's party. And I know *you*, of all people, wouldn't want to miss such a special occasion. Daria: Why do you always seem to think you know me better than I know myself? Back to the point, I guess I can come over. Jane: Cool. Daria: But not because you asked me to. Jane: Of course not -- for *Trent*. Daria: I didn't say th -- Jane: Later! (Jane hangs up and Daria shakes her head. She picks up her book to continue reading, but is interrupted when Helen yells up the stairs) Helen: Quinn! Daria! Can you come down here please -- your father and I need to discuss something with you. (Daria sighs and puts down her book. She walks downstairs and into the kitchen where her parents are seated.) Daria: Whatever it is, I'm sure it was Quinn. (She sits down as Helen glances nervously at her husband, and Quinn comes rushing in to join them) Quinn: Can this possibly wait? I'm late for an *emergency* Fashion Club meeting -- Stacie is totally flipping out about her new hair cut! It's horrible! We're talking about some major legal action against the salon here. Daria: Oh yeah. They don't know who they're messing with. Helen: Sit down Quinn, this wont take long. (Quinn plops down in the only empty chair and taps her fingers impatiently on the table) Quinn: So...? (Helen laughs nervously and clears her throat.) Helen: Well -- I -- I'm checking with the doctor for the test results on Saturday, to be sure, but I think I may be... (she blurts out) pregnant. (After a long pause, Quinn and Daria finally realize what was just said) Daria and Quinn: What?! Daria: How did *that* happen?! Jake: Well you see kiddo, when a man and a woman - Helen: Be quiet Jake! We weren't planning for this, girls it's just... (mutters to herself) I knew I was forgetting some damn appointment... Quinn: Mo-oom! You can't *do* this to me -- you *can't* have a baby! Helen: I am absolutely and completely capable Quinn. I had you two wonderful girls, didn't I? Quinn: But -- but... Jake (excitedly): Isn't this great! (teary-eyed) I'm going to be a daddy... again... (Quinn lets out cry of anger and utter disbelief) Quinn: Why? What is *wrong* with you people?! You're -- you're too *old* to have more kids! Helen (defensively): That is quite enough Quinn! I'm not as young as I used to be, I'll admit... But I'm certainly not *old*! Jake (still clueless as to where the conversation is): I hope it's a boy! Helen: Dammit Jake! Can you shut the hell up for one single minute?! We're not even completely positive yet. This could all be a mistake. Quinn: It better be! (She storms out of the room muttering something about her life being over...) Helen: I was hoping she'd be a bit more supportive. I'm glad *you're* taking this maturely Daria. (Daria is still sitting with a somewhat shocked expression) Daria: Excuse me. (She gets up and exits the kitchen, leaving Helen and Jake alone at the table) Helen: I don't know *what* I'm going to do if the tests results are positive. This is *exactly* what I need right now! This is all your fault Jake! (Helen angerly stomps out of the room, and Jake, who had picked up a newspaper sometime during the conversation, looks up from reading) Jake: Helen? Did you say something honey? Hey -- where is everyone?! (Setting: The next day in Ms. Bennet's English class. She is scribbling some of her usual incomprehensible analogies. Jane passes Daria a folded sheet of notebook paper -- which Bennet is too busy to notice. Daria takes the note and opens it, being sure it'd be hidden from view in case the teacher stopped working at the chalkboard any time soon, which of course, wasn't likely.) (Voice) Daria... I called everyone up last night -- I knew all Trent's acquaintances would be available, since their lives usually contain no particular dramatic, every-day normal events. Think we should decorate? Or just provide grub and music, since they're the group's two main highlights? -Jane ~Jane Great. I get to witness my first 'freak show'. I don't think Trent would care too much for pink streamers and birthday balloons -- but you know him much better than I do. Maybe some subtle decorations. It's your call. -Daria P.S. Did I mention my mother might be pregnant? She'll find out for sure on Saturday. -D.M. Whoa... Your mother, as in 'Helen Morgendorffer'? That is too weird... At least the mystery has been solved, as to what those funny noises you've been hearing down the hall were. (ha ha) As for the decorating, good plan. -Jane ~Miss Lane God Jane, that is just what I needed to hear. I think I'm going to be sick -- Hope Miss Benett doesn't like this carpet to much. If you still wish to receive assistance in this whole party thing, you will refrain from making any more demented comments about my messed up family. -Daria Miss Daria Lane, er, uh, Morgendorffer... Sorry... I wouldn't worry about the carpet, it's already ruined from that time Brittany puked after finding out every single one of her make-up supplies was 'animal tested'. Just aim for the same general region. Jane Moreno - oops, Lane I'll keep that in mind. The bell's going to ring in minute, so I'll meet you after school. -Daria (Setting: Lane household - Jane's bedroom; Daria is sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of Jane's bed, flipping through the T.V. channels. Jane is on her bed jotting something down in a notebook) Daria: What time are you planning for this fiesta to take place? Jane: Trent said he'd be home at 7:30, so if my calculations are correct, that means 8:30 or 9 in 'real world' time. I told everyone to be here at 8, in case he decides to show up early. Daria: Wow, you're good. (Daria looks at her watch) Daria: It's 4:30 now, don't you think we should be doing *something*? Jane: We are doing something. We're examining the possibilities. Daria: Oh yeah, I forgot. Jane: Jesse said Mystik Spiral will want to play, so we should add the basement to our authorized area limitations list. Daria: And you've got the CD's? Jane: Yep. Musical entertainment is covered, all we need now is food. (Setting: Morgendorffer living room; Helen is pacing, while talking to Eric on her cel-phone, Quinn is on the cordless phone with some guy, and Jake is deeply concentrated in building a card-castle on the coffee table. Helen (on phone): Eric, I *can't* make it to the meeting Saturday --- I have an appointment --- No, It's not the Fredrick case, it's an, uh, *personal* arrangement... --- Just get them to sign the damn settlement files! Quinn (on phone, in a paranoid manner): Yes Derek, tomorrow night would be *great*, why wouldn't it be, why would you think it would be a problem?! --- No, *nothing's* wrong! What would make you think that? If you think my mom's having a baby or something, you're wrong! --- I'm *not* yelling, Derek! --- Just shut up, I wouldn't go out with *you* anyway! (she slams down the phone as Helen does, and they both angerly sit down on the couch. The phone rings, and Quinn answers) Quinn: Yeah, hello? --- Mom wants to know where you are --- Fine whatever. Bye Helen: Was that Daria? When's she going to be home? Quinn: She's staying over at that Jane girls house for some party or something. Like anything *she* could be involved in could be technically considered a *normal* party. (Jake's pathetic card house blows over as Quinn reaches to set the phone down) Jake: Awww, dammit! ***commercial break, show clip of Daria and Quinn shocked at the kitchen table*** (Setting: Lane kitchen; Various different cooking supplies are scattered all over -- the room is a mess. Jane is covered with flour and dough, and Daria is sitting at the table.) Jane (pointing a spoon at Daria): You could help you know. Daria: That's true -- I could. But I can see that your 'cake baking' plan is not going as intended, which is no big surprise. There for, I see no reason to participate in the destined failure of this pointless operation. Jane (as she takes off a messy apron): I guess your right. Besides, it'd probably end up thrown all over the house anyway -- why didn't I think of that before? Wait, don't answer that... Daria: It's 6pm now, what's your plan 'b'? Jane: hmm... Hey, I got it! You go to the store and buy a bunch of crap Trent's people would like, while I clean up here. Daria: I think I need to be over a certain age to legally purchase an alcoholic beverage. Jane: Oh yeah... I'm pretty sure Trent's got some of that in the basement any way. Just get the other stuff. Daria: Fine. Got any money? (Jane pulls a small wad of money out of her pocket and hands it to Daria, who counts it) Daria: Four bucks -- in ones... Don't worry, I have some extra in case of a shortage. Jane (smiling): Great -- then I guess I can keep my other ten! (Setting: Show Lane living room, which is crowded with some pretty funky people, as well as at least some half-way decent ones. Loud music is blaring. Jane and Daria are standing near the door) Daria (trying to be heard over the loud music): Wow, I didn't know Trent knew so many people. Jane: Neither did I... I think everyone brought a few extra people along. Like ten, or twenty... What time is it? Daria: Only two minutes later than the last time you asked me that. Jane: Then he should be here any minute! Daria: We did pretty good, for throwing it together at the last minute. Jane: Yeah. It's better this way anyway. Trent's the type of person who wouldn't appreciate the long prepared, pre-scheduled sort of party. Daria: Does everyone know what to do? Jane: I think so. I told them all to dramatically yell "surprise!" when Trent walks in. Isn't that how it traditionally goes? Daria: Probably. (Some obviously drugged up guy walks over to them) Guy (in a slurred, spacey tone; to jane): Hey miss -- do you uh, know where I might find the little boys room? Jane: We don't believe in bathrooms. You can go outside though -- see that big long road out there? Follow that for a few miles, there should be a public grocery store around the last corner on the left. Guy: Uh, thanks man... (He stumbles out the door and falls over on the porch, then gets up and continues to the road. Jane slams the door shut). Jane: What kind of crap are they dealing down there?! Daria: I don't know -- but they must have found the beer, too. Jane: Yeah, and brought a few cases of their own. This isn't exactly what I was expecting... Daria: Ditto. Hey, I think Trent's here -- isn't that his car? (Jane looks out the window) Jane: Yep! Get ready everyone, he's coming! (Some of the people turned expectantly to the door, the less drunk ones, most likely. The door opens and Trent walks in, looking skeptical -- as he must have seen the cars and vomiting people outside. The ones still capable of comprehensible speech shout an enthusiastic "surprise!", as someone turns the music up full blast and everyone once again starts dancing and talking.) Trent (to Jane): What's all this Janey, and who are all these people? Jane: It's your party -- in case you don't remember, you turn twenty-two tomorrow. As for the people, don't ask. Trent: I thought you forgot about that. Jane: I would never forget your birthday! Last year was an exception. Couldn't think of any cool enough presents, so Daria and I decided to throw you a party. Trent: Daria? (turns and sees her) Oh, hey... Daria: Hi, uh, happy birthday. Trent: Thanks... And thanks for the party, you two. (smiling) But don't you think it's a little... out of control Janey? Jane: Yeah, I kinda figured that out. Just the way you like it, I presume. Trent: Exactly. Is Jess here? Jane: I saw him a while ago. I think *your* whole clan is down in the basement. Trent: Cool... Better go warm up my guitar. Gotta get this party rockin', huh Daria? Daria: Uh-huh... Jane: Daria's not really in the verbalizing mood this evening. Daria: Keep talking Jane... I think you've forgotten about my recent lessons on historic mid-evil torture. Very painful... Trent (laughs): See ya later, downstairs -- if there's room. Jane: Yeah later. Daria: Bye Setting: About two hours later: Jane and Daria had come up stairs from listening to Mystik Spiral in the basement. They see some guy asleep by the refreshments table) Daria: I'd hate to try and get some sleep in *this* house. Jane: I can't let this go on much longer -- or there wont *be* any house for *anyone* to sleep in. I don't support the saying 'Mi casa es su casa' so much any more... Daria: Good luck on getting everyone out *before* 4 or 5 O'clock. These people don't look quite ready to abandon this chaotic congregation. Jane: I can handle this. (yelling) Hey, everyone -- someone called the cops! (Most everyone goes running out the door, or jumping out a window, which ever is more convenient. The rest of them are probably to smart to fall for that trick... yeah, right.) Jane: See? Got two-thirds of 'em out, anyway. Daria: I have to give you credit. Jane: C'mon, let's go see what Trent and Jesse are up to. Maybe he's done partying and can help me get the rest of these maniacs out of my house. (They walk downstairs into the basement, where there are still quite a few people who must not have heard the police warning. The band wasn't playing -- someone had turned on Marilyn Manson's 'Dope Show') Daria: How appropriate. Jane: Really. Hey, there's Jesse. (They push through the crowd to get within speaking distance of him) Jane: Hi Jess, where's my brother? Jesse: Huh? Jane: My brother, where is he? (Jesse continues to have the vague expression of confusion glued to his face) Jane (slowly): Where... Is... Trent...? Jesse: Oh, I think he's uh, here, somewhere. Jane (rolls her eyes): Thanks... Daria, you check over there, I'll look on the other side. Daria: Who died and made you miss 'G.I. Jane'? Jane: Demi, of course. Poor kid... Now go look! Daria: Yes mam. (They part, and Daria heads to the left. She squeezed through groups of people until she comes to the small sofa in the corner, where sure enough, Trent's asleep with guitar in hand.) Daria: Hey, Trent? (she nudges his shoulder but gets no reaction. Jane comes walking up behind her) Jane: Well, I see you've found sleeping beauty. Daria: He's not gonna be much help -- he's out cold. Jane: I should have known he'd go unconscious at *some* point. Guess we're on our own at emptying the house. Any ideas? Daria: Got any matches? ***Commercial break showing clip of Jane in the kitchen*** (Setting: Doctor's office; Helen is in the waiting area, drinking a cup of coffee. The doctor opens the door and enters the room) Doctor: Miss, Morgendorffer? Helen: Yes, that's me. Well? Doctor: Well, I have some good news for you -- Helen: Oh thank god! I thought for *sure* I was pregnant! Doctor: You thought right. Congratulations! (Setting: Show Jane's bedroom where she is asleep in her bed / Switch to Lane living room, where Daria is asleep on the couch. Daria wakes up slowly, and looks at her watch, which says 11:00am) Daria (to herself): What happened? (Trent walks downstairs) Trent: You awake Daria? Daria: Yeah, where's Jane? Trent: She's in her room. You two fell asleep on the floor last night -- or this morning, whatever. Daria (looks around): Wow, this place is clean. Trent: Yeah. I picked up after I eventually woke up, and got everyone out of the house. Daria: Uh, thanks. I mean, we planned the party and probably should have cleaned up ourselves. Trent: No problem. Daria: Aren't you up a little early -- than usual? Trent: Guess I am. Got a killer hangover though... (Jane comes downstairs sleepy-eyed and yawning) Jane: Hey Trent, what happened last night? Trent: Hey Janey. You fell asleep, so I brought you to your room, and made Daria a bed on the couch. Jane: Wow, you carried me all the way upstairs? Trent (laughing): Yeah, although you're a little heavier than you used to be... Jane: Muchos gracias, I'm taking that as a compliment -- as I'm sure it was intended. Trent: Of course. You could have just gotten me a corny present, you know. It's the thought that counts. Jane: Sure, people always say that, but it's just a way to sooth their own self-disappointment. Trent: True... Jane: Oh yeah, don't get mad at me for this Trent, I only had a *few* beers. Trent: What?! Jane (laughs): I'm kidding. Knew I'd get your attention... Daria, didn't you say your mom's pregnancy test results will be in today? Daria: Oh yeah, dammit. I almost forgot about that whole crisis. I better call home -- can I use your phone? Trent: Sure. (Daria dials her number, split screen showing Quinn on the other line) Quinn: Hello? Daria: Hey Quinn... So what did mom have to say? Quinn: That my life is *completely* ruined! Daria: So she, uh, *is*? Quinn: Dammit Daria, that's what I just said! Daria: Fine. I'll be home soon, in the meantime, get a grip on your sanity. (She hangs up and turns to Jane) Daria: Bad news. Jane: Uh oh, looks like a new bundle of hell will soon be added to the Morgendorffer family. Daria: Your wisdom surprises me sometimes. I should go, I'll call you later Jane. Jane: K, bye. Trent: Later Daria. Daria: See ya. (Morgendorffer living room; Daria enters, to find Quinn and Helen sitting solemnly on the couch.) Helen: I guess it wont be *so* bad... I'll have to take a few days off work, of course... Quinn: Yeah, and just think of how *fat* you'll get mom! Helen: Quinn! I guess it's true though, I wont be very presentable for court. Dammit, I can't believe this. Quinn: Presentable? Mom, you'll be a cow! Daria: I'd love to join this heart-felt mother daughter conversation but I have *other* stuff to do. (She starts to go up the stairs, but the phone rings, and neither Quinn or Helen seem to notice.) Daria: Uh, I'll get it. - Hello? --- Yes, hold on please. (to helen) Mom, it's for you. (Helen doesn't move) Daria: Mother! Helen (snapping out of it): What?! Daria: Phone. Helen: Oh, thanks dear. - Hello? --- what? --- Really --- You people are so irresponsible, how could you just -- never mind, thank you. Quinn: Who was it mom? Helen: It was the doctor again -- seems there was a mix up with the files. I'm *not* pregnant! Quinn: That's great! I've got to call Derek back! (Grabs the cordless and runs to her room) Daria: Wow. I feel like I'm in an episode of 'Party of Five', except, not. Helen: I should go tell Jake -- he's not going to take this well. I think he's in the room looking up names... (she goes upstairs) (Daria goes to her room and dials Jane on the phone / split screen showing Jane painting, as usual, with the phone propped between ear and shoulder) Jane: Yo? Daria: Just thought you might wanna know my mother's not pregnant any more. I mean, she *was* never, in the first place... But you can take that baby shower present back for a refund. Jane: You mean the black, sharp, mid-evil thing-a-ma-jiggy? Daria: That's it. Jane: I might end up keeping it... Use it on Trent. Daria: Anyway, I gotta go. Jane: See ya monday. Daria: Yeah. (Show drunk guy from the night before still staggering down the road) Guy (to himself): Okay, now to the left... Hey -- there's no store here! Maybe I missed the turn off a few miles back... ***Roll Credits***