THE SANDI PLAGUE
                                   BY
                                  MIKE

ACT 1

(The Morgendorffer kitchen, before school)

QUINN (on phone): Oh Sandi, I'm so sorry that you have the flu, if
there's anything I can do, just call me up between the hours of 4:00 and
7:00 PM, I have dates after then.

SANDI: A-a-ah-choo! (Blows her nose loudly, Quinn holds the phone away
from her ear) Now, Quinn, I trust that you won't lead the Fashion Club
head-first into any fashion faux pas while I'm sick, will you?

(Daria walks in)

QUINN: (Disgusted at what Sandi just said) Of course not, Sandi! I'm
only the vice-president! Who do you think I am, my cousin?

DARIA: (hearing the comment, yells for Sandi to hear) I'M HER SISTER!

QUINN: (covering up the phone) Oh, you have to excuse my cousin.

SANDI: Did she just say that you were her sister?

QUINN: No, she just yelled at the TV. The "Young and the Restless" is
on.

SANDI: (Obviously knows she is lying, but has no clue about "Quinn's
cousin") Whatever, Quinn. Well, I have to....A-a-achoo! (stuffed up) go
Quinn, my mom thinks I am asleep. I am making Tiffany the honorary
president of the Fashion Club while I am gone. Good-bye.

QUINN: Wha..

SANDI: I said *GOOD-BYE* Quinn. (blows her nose)

(Quinn hangs up, walks into the living room)

ANNOUNCER: Do flight attendants serve urine on flights in place of
drinks that they don't have? Coffee, tea, or pee next on "Sick, Sad
World"

QUINN: Yuck! How can you watch that stuff?

DARIA: (sarcastic) Because "The Young and the Restless" wasn't
interesting today.

QUINN: Oh please, don't think I am ashamed of you. I just...don't want
anyone to know you're my sister.

DARIA: (Doesn't get Quinn's explanation) Um...yeah. Whatever. (Doorbell
rings) That must be Jane. I have to go.

Cut to: Hallway at Lawndale High

JANE: So, what are you gonna do tonight?

DARIA: I don't know. Pull out some voodoo dolls, push pins in them, have
any better ideas?

JANE: Well, Trent's playing in some podunk town about an hour away.

DARIA: Why didn't he take another gig in the black hole of insecurity
known as Lawndale?

JANE: Eh, they'll pay him and the band $300. Better than what you can
get here.

DARIA: Why so much?

JANE: They haven't had a rock band play there ever. They thought
bringing some musicians into their town other than the "Hillbilly Hour"
band would make their town look cosmopolitan.

(Daria was just about to respond when Ms. Li comes over the loudspeaker)

MS. LI: Excuse me, students and teachers, but could a Ms. Daria
Morgendorffer and Ms. Jane Lane come to my office please? Thank you.

Cut to: Ms. Li's office

MS. LI: Now, girls, you have been "voluntarily" assigned to a program
called...um...I don't know what it's called yet.

DARIA: Blackmail?

JANE: Torture?

MS. LI: NO! What the program is, in short, is to nurse one of our
students back to health. A poor little girl has the flu, and you have
been voluntarily..

JANE: Don't you mean "forced"?

MS. LI: (continues as if she heard nothing) VOLUNTARILY selected to
nurse her back to health. Run errands for her, get her homework, cook
her meals, get her as comfortable as possible. Her mom is out of town
for the rest of the week and can't be contacted. As an incentive to
being voluntarily...

DARIA: Forced

MS. LI: Fine, if you call it forced, it's forced! As an incentive to
being forced to do this assignment, you will get a pass to get out of
one class for the rest of the year.

DARIA: What about the grades for this class?

MS. LI: I'll automatically give you an "A".

DARIA AND JANE IN UNISON: Go on.

MS. LI: However, there is a catch. The room will be bugged with audio
and video surveillance so I can see what type of work you are doing.
When you run errands, you will be followed to see if you are indeed
doing your job and not goofing off. I am spending lots of tax dollars
for you two to get out of class and do these things. Consider it a
favor.

DARIA: We didn't even ask for this "favor".

MS. LI: (Obviously not hearing her) You will have a house key to get in
and out of the house, and here's the address (hands them a piece of
paper).

JANE: Who is this "person"?

MS. LI: You will find out when you get there. That way you can't get out
of it by refusing if I told you the name now.

DARIA: This person must be creepy, then.

JANE: Super-psycho.

DARIA: A person who likes to drink urine when the flight attendant offer
it to them.

JANE: You saw "Sick, Sad World" this morning, too?

MS. LI: (bewildered) Okay, girls, you may leave the campus now.

Cut to: In front of the Griffin house

(Daria opens the door.)

DARIA: Anyone home?

SANDI (muffled): I'm up here. First door on the left.

JANE: Could you tell who it was?

DARIA: No.

(They walk up the stairs and open the door. They are shocked at who they
see, and Sandi is shocked at who she sees.)

SANDI: Eww! It's Quinn's cousin! And Quinn's cousin's friend!

DARIA: (Whispers to Jane) Do you have the suicide pill on you?

JANE: Nope, fresh out.

(Daria frowns)

Cut to: Commercial, with slow-motion of Sandi and Quinn's phone
conversation with Sandi blowing her nose and Quinn holding the phone
away from her ear.)

(Commercial: Taco Bell Chihuahua selling all his stuff at a garage sale
for 39 cents to advertise 39 cent taco days. MTV telling what is on
tonight on the 10 spot. An advertisement for the movie "Dudley Do-Right"
with Brendan Fraser.)

ACT 2

(The Griffin Residence, Sandi's room)

SANDI: When the school said they were gonna send someone over to help
me, I thought it would be like Stacy or something. But it had to be
someone related to Quinn!

DARIA: (grits her teeth) Is there anything we can do for you?

SANDI: Yes, there is. First, Quinn's cousin's friend can go downstairs
and get me Waif magazine. It's on the coffee table. And you, Quinn's
cousin, can make me some lunch. I am hungry.

DARIA: (grits her teeth even harder) Is there anything you had in mind?

SANDI: Not really. (covers her nose) A-a-achoo! Ew, yuck! Boogers!
(Wipes boogers off her hands) That was the last tissue! When your friend
brings me Waif, she can go to the pharmacy and get me some tissues.
Scented, please. But no aloe vera. It makes me break out.

DARIA: (to Jane, sarcastic) C'mon, Quinn's cousin's friend, let's go.

(They both exit)

JANE: How could Ms. Li do something so despicable as make us wait
on...(pointing to Sandi's door)...HER!

DARIA: Maybe she had nothing to do.

JANE: Probably. Well, I have to go get Waif and tissues for Queen Sandi.
I hope she pukes on herself.

SANDI: (from inside her room) I heard that, Quinn's cousin's friend!

(Jane opens her door)

JANE: If you're gonna call me anything, call me Jane, not "Quinn's
cousin's friend".

SANDI: (disturbed look) Okay, Quinn's cousin's friend, don't get all
bent out of shape! Now, I think you forgot something.

JANE: Huh?

SANDI: Waif and tissues!

JANE: Whatever. (She exits. A few seconds later you can hear her slam
the front door.)

SANDI: And Quinn's cousin, as your friend forgot Waif, can you get it
for me? It's on the coffee table.

DARIA: Must....find....suicide....pill

SANDI: Speaking of pills, there are some pills on the coffee table right
next to Waif. It's my medication, can you get it for me.

DARIA: Yes, your majesty.

SANDI: (Liking the ring of that) Thank you, Quinn's cousin.

(Daria exits and walks downstairs to the living room.)

DARIA: Just shoot me.

(She looks at Waif on the coffee table as well as the pills. She glances
at the cover. Articles in the magazine sound like: "How Fat is Too Fat?"
"Kate Moss: The Universal Teen Role Model" "Calista Flockhart: Secrets
from TV's Thinnest Lawyer" and "Camryn Manheim: Lessons To Learn from
Her" Daria picks up Waif and the pills and walks upstairs to Sandi's
room. She opens the door and throws them on the bed and walks out
without saying a word.

SANDI: (snootily) Eww! Quinn's cousin like, needs to learn manners! (She
takes the pills with her water.)

Cut to: The Griffins' Kitchen.

(Daria cooks up some Maestro Luigi's Italiano Cannelloni in the
microwave. She sings to herself.)

DARIA: (Still deadpan)

Whatever Sandi wants
Sandi gets
That brat better learn
her stomach's gonna turn
when she learns
how much fat is in
this quasi-Italian
canned food

(She gets a tray and puts the hot dish on it. Then she pours a glass of
Diet Cherry Coke and ventures up to Sandi's room. At this time Jane
comes back with the tissues.)

DARIA: Here is...(Sandi is sound asleep) your food. (She sets it down at
the foot of the bed and wakes Sandi up by shaking her.)

SANDI: (sleepily) But, your honor, I didn't kill Quinn Morgendorffer.

DARIA: What?

SANDI: Oh, Quinn's cousin, it's you. Is lunch ready?

(Jane enters the room)

DARIA: Yes, it is. It's my "homemade" cannelloni.

SANDI: Ooh, homemade!

(Sandi grabs the tray and sets it on her lap)

JANE: You make "homemade" cannelloni?

DARIA: Yes. I "made" it inside someone's "home" but it just so happened
that it was canned.

JANE: How did you become so smart?

DARIA: Just think of caring for Sandi being like caring for Quinn.

JANE: I don't WANT to think about it.

DARIA: Well, at least you don't have to live with her.

SANDI: (confused) What are you talking about, Quinn's cousin?

DARIA: Nothing. Is the food good?

SANDI: It's (taking a bite) delicious. Does it have parmesan cheese and
pepper?

DARIA: How'd you know?

SANDI: Just because I am skinny doesn't mean I don't know what good food
is.

JANE: That reminds me. Here are the tissues, extra scented, no aloe.
(Whispering to Daria) It cost me $8! For a box of tissues!

DARIA: Why so much?

JANE: Because all the cheap ones that were scented had aloe vera in
them!

(By this time, Sandi is done wolfing down her lunch)

SANDI: It was yummy, Quinn's cousin. By the way, how much fat was in it?

DARIA: About....10 grams.

SANDI: 10 GRAMS?!?! 10 GRAMS?!?!?!?! I'll look like a heifer! I don't
eat that much fat in an average week! I can imagine it now!

Cut to: Sandi's vision. She is well, and back at Lawndale High. She is
now imagining herself fat. The Fashion Club is about 10 feet ahead of
her walking down the hallway.

SANDI: (hoarsely, trying to catch up) Wait! Wait for me! It's not MY
fault that Quinn's cousin fed me fatty food on purpose! (She now gasps
for air) Wait! (She falls to her knees, then collapses)

Cut to: Sandi's room, after the dream scenario.

DARIA: If that's the way you feel about me trying to take care of you,
which I didn't even want to do in the first place, then you can nurse
your own sorry self back to health!

JANE: Call us if you become less conceited. (Whispers to Daria) Does
this mean we have to put our back-up plan in action?

DARIA: Yes it does.

(They both exit.)

SANDI: Wait! Nooooo! (She realizes she didn't "think" the dream scenario
and actually said it out loud) Quinn's cousin! Come back! (Sniffles) I
didn't mean...(The front door slams shut. Sandi sits there and starts to
cry, but then is interrupted, she covers her face just in time with her
hands.) A-a-achoo! Eww! (Looking at her hands) Boogers!

Cut to: Commercial, with slow motion of Sandi in her vision collapsing
on the floor of the hallway at Lawndale High.

(Commercials: Crap that no one would buy in the first place.)

ACT 3

Cut to: Ms. Li's office

MS. LI: (startled) Girls! What are you doing back so early? It's only
12:30!

DARIA: We've decided that we don't want to help Sandi Griffin, that
obnoxious little worm, get well, even if her mother isn't there. That's
not my problem!

JANE: It isn't mine either.

MS. LI: Well, that means we'll have to forget this ever happened.

DARIA AND JANE IN UNISON: What's the catch?

MS. LI: The catch is that since we "forgot" that means you don't have an
alibi for being out of class for five periods! You will have detention
for truancy.

JANE: Oh no, Ms. Li. That's where you're wrong.

DARIA: We cooked up a little plan of our own.

Cut to: Jane Lane's bedroom, early evening. The TV is on. Daria and Jane
are in there. Trent walks in)

TRENT: Hey Janey, Daria. What did you want me to come in here for?

JANE: You don't want to miss this.

ANNOUNCER: A sadistic principal forcing innocent students to take care
of sick and conceited classmates! A "Sick, Sad World" Exclusive

REPORTER: Ms. Li, what do you have to say about these accusations?

MS. LI: No comment. I said "No comment!" So get that damn camera out of
my face!

TRENT: Cool.

JANE: Wait, there's more.

REPORTER: Ms. Griffin, what do you have to say about all of this?

SANDI: (Combing her hair) I am sick, my family is out of town, and no
one will take care of me! I am a nice person, I really am, I just wanted
some things. (Stops combing her hair and has a serious look on her face,
staring at the camera) Some tissues, a Waif here and there.
Doesn't...(sniffles) everyone deserve at least that much? (Breaks down
crying, then quickly snaps out of it) Oh yes, and Quinn Morgendorffer's
cousin has no manners! And her friend smells funny!

JANE: Well, you would too if you had to walk across town to get scented,
no aloe tissues!

REPORTER: This reporter has seen the Korean War, Vietnam, the Challenger
Explosion, the Gulf War, and the recent conflict in Kosovo, and I have
to say, in the last 45 years, nothing can compare to this sick display
of forced teen labor, snootiness, and a sick display of "boogers".

Cut to: Another part of the episode.

(Outside the Morgendorffer house)

REPORTER: I am now outside the house of Daria Morgendorffer, one of the
teen laborers. However, I have received news that she is not home. So we
will talk to her "cousin", Quinn. If she anything like Ms. Griffin,
viewer discretion is advised. Small children will have to leave the
room.

(Reporter knocks on the door, Quinn answers it!)

QUINN: (In a peppy voice) Hi, America! (Grins)

REPORTER: (Turns to the camera) I urge you now, all children, PLEASE
leave the room!

Cut to: The Morgendorffer living room. Quinn and the reporter are
sitting on the couch.

REPORTER: So, do you think that your cousin saved the day for many other
forced teen laborers across the country?

QUINN: Huh? My cou...Oh, you mean my cousin!

REPORTER: Duh.

QUINN: What?

REPORTER: Nothing. Go on.

QUINN: As I was saying, of course she saved the day! She humiliated Ms.
Li and now I don't have to go watch Sandi! I do have 2 dates tonight! If
any of you boys want to go out on a date with me, you can call my
toll-free number that's flashing on the screen now!
                             1-888-YO-QUINN*
*I don't know if this is a real number or not. If it is, my apologies to
the people who own this number.

ANNOUNCER: That's just a sneak peek on what's coming up on a special
two-hour episode of "Sick, Sad World."

TRENT: Cool, let's tape it.

JANE: (pops a tape into the VCR) Sure. Now, what about your gig in
Podunkville?

TRENT: Speaking of that, I need to leave about now. Wanna go?

JANE: Sure. Daria?

DARIA: (blushes) Okay.

TRENT: Cool. Let's go.
                                 THE END
(CUTE RENDERINGS OF THE CHARACTERS)

Guest Star:
Dan Rather as "Sick, Sad World" Reporter