The Rival A Daria Script by Elizabeth Thaler EmpressEKV@aol.com •Ext. Lawndale Street Daria and Jane walk home after school. Jane: Don't forget, Daria, we're going with Trent tomorrow. Daria: I know. Jane: Oh, right. you probably have the date marked on your calendar with a big red heart. Daria: Right next to the date of your funeral. Except that red isn't magic marker. Jane: I was wondering what happened to that pint of blood. •Ext. Morgendorffer House Night. A still shot. •Int. Morgendorffer Kitchen The family eats dinner. Helen: Girls, are you doing anything this weekend? Your father and I are going with some clients of mine up to their Country Club. Daria: I thought you denounced Country Clubs as an elitist status symbol used to exclude those of different socio-economic class. Helen: Now honey, does that sound like something I would say? Daria: No. But I was hoping if you felt guilty you wouldn't make me go with you. Helen: Daria I'm not going to make you do anything. Daria: Of course not. You're just going to bribe and manipulate us into bowing to your will. Helen: It's just that I thought you'd have fun with the Van Helsings and their kids. Quinn, you remember their son. He's about your age. Quinn: Yeah, and he's cute and all Mom, but his name's spelled S-t-e-p-h-e-n and he pronounces it "STE-ven" instead of "Ste-FAN". What a waste. Daria: It's sad, isn't it? The ones who are blessed with a p-h are never pretentious enough to appreciate it. Quinn: It's so boring! I mean, it'd be one thing if he'd been like born Steven, but he was meant to be SteFAN. He's squandering his natural gifts! Helen: Now Quinn, everyone has a right to deine their own name. It's part of human nature. Daria: That reminds me, from now on I'd like to be called Childlike Empress of the Universe. Jake: It'll be fun, girls! You can go horseback riding, Quinn. And Daria, when's the last time you played tennis with your old man? Daria: I never played tennis with you. That was your other child, before the Mother Ship dropped me off inside her body. Helen: Actually Daria I don't think you ever played tennis at all. Daria: Oh. Right. Helen: But if neither of you does have anything to do you're coming with us. Any complaints? Daria: Complaints? No complaints from Daria, Prince of Wales. Quinn: Yeah right, Daria. Like anyone would put you in charge of an endangered species. Daria: Just exercising my right to define my own name. But I might go with Daria the Great and Powerful Wizard. Quinn: Pay no attention to the Brain behind the curtain. Daria: Not bad, Quinn. All those hours of not listening while boys try to impress you with lame jokes have really paid off. Jake: They sure have, honey! The women all look at him. Pause. They turn back to each other. Daria: But, as it so happens, I'm spending all tomorrow with Jane, Ambassador to Thailand. Helen: It's getting old, dear. And besides, we're going Saturday evening. Daria: I'm, uh, sleeping over? Helen gives up. Helen: Alright, fine. And you Quinn? We'll be staying the night there and coming back in the afternoon. Quinn: Well, I don't know... there are horses there? Helen: That's right. Quinn: Okay, I'll go. I'll just call him Stefan and it'll be fine. •Ext. Lawndale Street The next day. A bright, sunny setting. •Int. Trent's Car. Trent, Jane, and Daria are in the front seat as Trent drives. Trent: Thanks for coming with me. I have problems with these kind of places. Jane: No problem, Trent. It was either this or picking up our ongoing game of Stare-At-The-TV-Until-Your-Eyes-Melt. Daria: Jane's ahead by thirty points. Trent: I hope this isn't messing up your weekend plans, Daria. Daria: Well I did just receive my mail-order "32 Easy Steps to Stained Glass Window Repair", but anything for the Lanes. Trent pulls to a stop. Trent: I'll let you out here. Jane: Right. You shouldn't leave the car- we know how you get around natural light. Jane and Daria get out and walk around to the sidewalk. •Ext. Lawndale Street Trent: I have some other things to pick up. I'll come back in an hour. Jane: Comprende Señor. Trent: See ya Daria. Daria: Yeah. Bye. Trent: Watch out for yourselves. Weird stuff can happen in a place like this. He drives off. They turn around to see said 'place': Super Spender, a typical suburban super market. Daria: That's some phobia he's got. Jane: We sent him for tooth paste and milk in '93. It wasn't pretty. They go in. •Int. Super Spender. They enter and look around. The store is immense, with florescent lights and endless aisles of food, etc. Musac plays on the intercom. Daria: It's kinda strange, but... The musac is interrupted by an employee announcing a special on pureed beets. Daria: ...I think I know what Trent was talking about. They shrug and proceed down an aisle. •Int. Canned Food Aisle They peruse the walls of various cans. Jane wields a red grocery basket, empty. Daria: Think he needs some canned squid? Jane: Is it in its ink? Daria: No. Jane: Then forget it. Daria: What's this party for again? Jane: Something with his band. Someone's having a birthday or a lawsuit or a liver transplant. I forget. Daria: You're sure they're not breaking up? Jane: If they were, I'd be throwing the party. •Int. Snack Foods Aisle They stand at the end of the aisle. At the far end is a woman in a purple dress and nearby a girl with a bandanna over her hair stares blankly at the products before her. Jane: Hmm, greasy fried corn triangles- Daria: Or greasy fried potato circles? Jane: Why not go wild? Daria: It is Trent's money. Jane: For once. You take the corn chips. I'll round up the potato. Daria: Careful with those ridgy ones. You never know what they're thinking. Jane: Weird stuff can happen in a place like this. They collect their chips and continue down the aisle, looking at the other snacks. Daria: So, what's going to happen tonight? Jane: Oh, you know, the band'll play some, the house'll get trashed, seventy- five percent of the guests will wake up on the rug in a warm sticky pool of their own bodily fluids. The usual. Daria: It was nice of Trent to invite us and all, but what are we going to do there? Jane: I know what you're going to do there. Daria: Hmm. Let me use my telepathic abilities to deduce what you're so subtly insinuating. Jane: Save your brain power. You'll need all you've got for the next time you're around Trent the Stupefying. Though you have been performing pretty well lately. You must be developing a tolerance. Daria: I think right now you should ask yourself if you're prepared to kill me in self defense. Jane: Oh Daria. You know I don't need that kind of excuse. Jane, thus distracted, bumps into the Bandanna Girl, jostling her out of her trance. Jane: Oh, hey, I'm sorry. Bandanna Girl regains her balance and smiles. She is tall and fairly attractive, but not at all chic. Her longish blonde hair is worn loose under its jungle camouflage bandanna. She wears loose-legged jeans, obscuring her boots, with a wallet chain, and a white men's dress shirt, the sleeves rolled to the elbows, unbuttoned over a purple tank top. She wears purple lipstick and has one hoop in her upper right ear. Bandanna Girl: Oh, don't worry about it. I was kind of lost in thought. Daria: Yeah, there's something hypnotic about those pretzels. Bandanna Girl smiles. Bandanna Girl: I guess I should pay more attention. Next I'll be careening into some unsuspecting stranger on a mad quest for salted snack foods. She gestures to the content of Jane's basket. Jane: We should just count our blessings that no one was hurt. I know ten ways to kill a man with a bag of cheese puffs. Bandanna Girl: What about an overly contemplative teenage girl? Jane: They're pretty much invincible. Bandanna Girl: If we've survived High School this long, I don't think anything could kill us. Daria: Except maybe some anthrax in the ventilation system. Bandanna Girl: Now I know what to do for my next science project. I'm Lenore. Lenore Bloome. Jane: Hey, I'm Jane. Daria: Daria, Queen of the Jungle. Lenore: Last names? I like last names. Jane: Lane. Lenore: I'll remember that one. (Looks to Daria) Daria: Schmaria. Jane: (To Lenore) Morgendorffer. Daria: Now you've gone and blown my cover. Jane: Daria's been 'defining her own name'. All day. Daria: I'm abusing human nature. Jane: So where do you go to school? Lenore: Lawndale High, the grade above you two. My family moved here from New York City a couple weeks ago. Daria: How come we haven't seen you around? Lenore: I've been trying not to be noticed. I like to pick my enemies. Jane: What about your friends? Lenore: I figured they'd find me sooner or later. Jane and Daria look at each other and smile. •Int. Fresh Produce Section. The three walk while Lenore picks out fruit. Jane and now Daria's baskets are full. Lenore: ...we all loved New York, and my brothers and I didn't like the idea of moving. Daria: Why did you move? Lenore: My parents. They're reinventing... something. Either their lives or their children, it's unclear. They're opening a restaurant, which means it'll be back to New York when they go out of business in two months. Jane: Wow. I wish my parents would lose everything they own and be forced to move to the city. Mind if I hide in your suitcase when you go? Lenore: We could dress you up as me and I'll stay here. Daria and Jane trade looks, communicating disbelief that she would want to stay. Daria: Are you in the witness protection program? Jane: She owes money to the Mafia and wants to keep her kneecaps. Lenore: I just don't want to move again. I hate moving. And... I kind of like it here. Daria: Oh, I see. You're clinically insane and don't want to go back to the sanitarium. Lenore: It's pretty. And there's space to move around. Anyway it's not like I want my parents to fail. (Sighs) But they will. I really thought they were smarter than this. Guess I had them confused with their children. Daria: Thanks for helping us out with the shopping. Making definitive choices isn't our strong suit. Jane: Daria's more of a reactor than an actor. Lenore: Don't worry about it. I'm just about done, too. Jane: You need a ride? Lenore: Sure. The walk here was bad enough. Carrying this stuff I won't be able to outrun the mountain lions. Jane: My brother's picking us up. Come on. •Ext. Super Spender Daria, Jane, and Lenore stand there with their bags as Trent pulls up. Jane: Hey Trent. Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Daria. Daria: Hi. Jane: Trent, this is Lenore. Trent: Hey. Jane: Lenore, my brother Trent Lane. Lenore: (Wryly) Charmed. Jane: She needs a ride home. Trent: No problem. Find a seat. Jane: Why don't you sit in the front, Daria. Lenore and I can sit in the back. Daria glares. Trent: Lenore should sit up with me, tell me how to go. Pause. They get in, Lenore in the front seat and Daria and Jane in the back. •Int. Trent's Car Trent: You can show me the way to your house. Lenore: Uh-oh, I've been put in a position of power. Prepare to go to Hell in a hand basket. Jane: Come on, Trent's car isn't that crummy. Trent drives. Jane: Lenore just moved here from New York, Trent. Trent: The City, huh? Someday I'm gonna make it there. Jane: Too bad about all those obligations keeping you here. Trent: Yeah, like carting around my kid sister whenever she needs a ride. Jane: Touché. Lenore: Take a left. Trent: So why'd you come to this zombie town? Lenore: Parents. Their mid-life crises happen to be in sync. Trent: (Sympathetically) Parents. Extensions of official authority, y'know? Daria: So, Lenore, are your parents manipulative watchdogs- Jane: -Or just detached reminders that you're under 18? Trent: (Adding to Jane's) Or unemployed. Lenore: In the middle, I guess. I need to make up stories for where I'm going, but after that our family motto's pretty much "Take your keys and don't screw up." Trent glances from the road to look at her briefly. Trent: What about your motto? She looks at him. Lenore: "Blink and look up." Trent smiles. Trent: Cool. Y'know, you should come to my party tonight. Lenore: Party? Trent: My band's been together for a year. Daria: (In her head) If you count their drummer's time in rehab. Trent: If you count our drummer's time in rehab. Lenore: Oh, cool, you're in a band? Trent: Mystik Spiral. Jane: But they might change their name. Lenore: That's awesome. I was in a band back home. Trent: Really? We're gonna play at the party tonight. It's gonna be intense. Lenore: That sounds like a lot of fun. Trent: I hope you show. You seem pretty cool. Jane: (Aside, to Daria) Looks like she's musclin' in on your turf. Daria: (To Jane) I'm unbuckling my seat belt. Why don't you save yourself some wisecracks and cover Trent's eyes. Trent: What was that, Daria? Jane: Yeah Daria, what was that about Trent's thighs? Daria glares. Lenore: I thought she said something about renting a sty. Daria: That was it. I'm thinking of penning in my sister and her friends. But then I guess sties are for pigs, not sheep. Jane: (Aside, to Daria) Nice save. Daria: (To Jane) Nice stab. Jane: (To Daria) I try. Daria: (To Jane) Relentlessly. Trent: What did you say, Daria? Jane: Oh, she was just talking about religious warfare. Daria: Uh, yeah. •Ext. Lenore's House The car pulls up. Lenore gets out, and Trent leans over to say good-bye. Trent: Janey gave you our address, right? Lenore: Yep. Eight o'clock? Trent: Yeah. •Int. Trent's Car Jane: (Aside, to Daria) See, we'll be there early. You've got at least an hour on her. Lenore: (From outside) If you want I could come early to help set up. •Ext. Lenore's House Trent: That'd be really cool, Lenore. You could tell me about your band. Say, seven? Lenore: Sounds like fun. See ya then. Lanes, Morgendorffer. •Int. Trent's Car Jane: Bye Lenore. Daria: Yeah, bye. Trent: See you at seven. He sits up and they drive off. Jane: (Aside, to Daria) Penny for your thoughts? Daria: (To Jane) My thoughts cost more than you've got. Jane: (To Daria) How do you know that? Daria: (To Jane) Because whatever you've got, I'll charge more. Trent: Did you say something, Daria? Daria sighs. •Int. Daria's Room Daria lies on her bed, staring at the ceiling and jiggling her foot irritably. Jane stands in front of her closet, door flung wide, looking at the sparse contents thereof. Jane: Let's see... (pulls out a black T-shirt) No, too daring. (Returns it, pulls out a grey sweatshirt) A little too... risqué. (Returns it, pulls out an orange T-shirt exactly like the one Daria currently wears) Hmm. Your wardrobe's a thrill ride, Daria. Daria: Dare I ask what you're doing? Jane: We have to be at my house in an hour. Daria: So in fifty-five minutes I'll clean my glasses and make sure my laces are tied. Is there a problem? Jane: (Teasingly) Aren't you worried about competing with that rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore? Daria looks at her. Daria: Look Lane, take thy beak from out my heart and take thy form from off my door. Jane: Quoth the sarcastic teenage raven, "Nevermore". Daria: What, no adjectives like 'brilliant' or 'vastly superior'? Jane: I figured all that went without saying. Not to mention 'devastatingly beautiful'. But now you're trying to change the subject. Daria: No fooling you, Sherlock. What devious plan are you devising now? Jane: We could make a foray into the Pit of Despair. Daria: My sister's room? Are you kidding? Jane: Come on, there's gotta be something in there we can turn inside out or dye or cut the fuzzy trim off of. Daria: Okay, but, and I know I'm going to regret asking this... why? Jane: If you get dressed up a little, maybe you'll feel a little more confident. Daria: I'm plenty confident. I'm a confidence machine. Jane: Even around Trent? Daria: (In her head) All the exits are blocked. She'll outrun me on the stairs. (Out loud) And next there'll be sugar in my gas tank. Jane: That's some sexual metaphor, Daria. Now get up. Daria: Why is it so important to you that I make a fool out of myself? Jane: Because, I like Lenore. And I don't want to have to alienate her because she's going to take a risk and entrap my brother with her feminine wiles. So you have to beat her to it. Daria: (Sitting up) Let me get this straight. You're planning to thwart the romantic aspirations of a girl in town two weeks because you want to be her friend. Jane: I get the feeling you're trying to make this sound silly. Daria: Why bother to try? I could use that energy for a task not yet completed. Jane: You're in rare form today. Daria: Religious warfare can do that to a person. Jane: Up! We're going on an adventure. Daria: (Heads for the door) Well I'll just grab my ancient Mayan map... (Jane grabs her by the wrist and leads her out) Jane: Follow me, Private Morgendorffer. I'm head of this outfit now. •Int. Morgendorffer Upstairs Hallway Outside Quinn's room. Daria nervously stands guard. Daria: I don't believe I'm doing this. (Calling into the room) Are you almost done? Jane: (From inside) Shh! Guard your post, soldier! Daria: (In her head) Great. My best friend's gone cloak-and-dagger on me and she wants me to wear my sister's clothes. What next? Quinn (OS): Daria? The shot widens to reveal an annoyed Quinn, hands on hips. •Int. Quinn's Room Jane stands outside the closet, humming to herself, as she goes through its contents, a shirt or two slung over her arm. Daria: (From outside, unnaturally loud) Oh, hello QUINN. Jane freezes. •Int. Morgendorffer Upstairs Hallway Quinn: What are you doing outside my room, Daria? Daria: (Unnaturally loud) I just wanted to say hi to my SISTER. My sister QUINN. Quinn: (Brushing past her, into the room) Stop acting so weird, Daria. •Int. Quinn's Room Quinn(con't): God, you're worse than usual. (Pause) What are you waiting for? Daria stands in the doorway, paralyzed. Jane is nowhere to be seen. Daria: I was just, um... Quinn: Uch! Just go read a book or do your homework or something. Daria tries to think of something. Pause. She leaves. Quinn rolls her eyes. The phone rings. Quinn picks it up. Quinn: Hello? Oh hi Sandi! (Pause) Yeah, we're going in about twenty minutes. (Pause) What do you mean have I changed yet? What's wrong with what I was wearing? (Pause) Oh, I'm sure you don't remember, Sandi. If you say you don't, you must not, because you would never lie to me. And I would never let a fashion tip from you go to waste. (Pause) Okay, bye! (She hangs up). Now what am I going to wear? I can't go in this! She looks around, her gaze landing on the closet. Quinn: What did I do with that new shirt I got at Cashman's? Quinn goes to the closet and opens the door to reveal a pleasant-looking Jane, large amounts of clothing in plain sight in her arms. Quinn is dumbfounded. Jane: Heya Quinn. You've got a really nice closet. I'll have to stop by again sometime. Well, nice talking to you. She leaves, with the clothing. Quinn can only gape, mouth open in bewilderment. •Int. Daria's Room Daria paces. Daria: I wonder if I'll ever see her again. The door flies open to reveal Jane, clothing and all. Jane: I have been through the Cave of Wonders, my friend. And I have brought you souvenirs. She drops the clothing on the bed. Daria: Great. You had to survive it just to torture me, didn't you? Jane: You bet. And now, to work. •Int. Lane Living Room. A platform, laden with musical equipment, has been set up beneath a banner saying "Happy First, Mystik Spiral". Jesse is wiring the amps while Trent checks the mics. Trent: Testing, testing. Sounds good, Jess. Jesse: Try the other amp. Trent picks up his guitar, plugs it into the amp, and strums the strings violently. Sound rushes through the room and shakes a glass to the floor, where it shatters. Trent: You'd better crank it up. People absorb sound. Jesse: Yeah, good thinking, Trent. (He does so) Hey, where's Jane and Daria? Trent: Over at Daria's house. They should be here any minute. The door is heard opening and closing. A scuffling noise ensues. Jane (OS): Come on, Daria. Daria: (OS) No. Let me go. I want to go home. Trent and Jesse exchange inquisitive glances. •Int. Lane Foyer Jane and Daria struggle. Jane wears her usual, but Daria is wearing black pants and a black crop top under her usual green jacket, unzipped. It looks good. Jane: (Hissing, trying to be quiet) Stop it. Daria: (Ditto) You stop it. Jane: (Ditto) You stop it. Daria: (Ditto) You stop it. They both stop it, simultaneously, as they realize Trent and Jesse stand there, watching them. Daria tugs once at her shirt, self-conscious. Jane: Uh, hey Trent, Jesse. Jesse: Jane, Daria. Trent: Janey. Hey, Daria. Daria: Uh, hi. (In her head) I hate Jane. Jesse: We're just setting up the equipment. You look different, Daria. Daria: I really hate Jane. Trent: Glad you guys made it. Nice outfit, Daria. Definitely hot. Daria blushes slightly. Daria: Uh, thanks. (In her head) I love Jane. Jane is my friend. Jane: (Smirking) Let's get started. She and Daria head towards the kitchen. •Int. Lane Kitchen They start sorting through bags of chips, etc. Daria: Well, was that worth it? Jane: I was going to ask you the same thing. Daria: I'm not the one who braved the unexplored depths of my sister's vanity. Jane: True. Yeah, I'd definitely say it was worth it. Lenore approaches, wearing the same as before. Jane: You should've seen the look on Quinn's face when I came out of the closet. Lenore: Hey Lane, Morgendorffer. They turn and see her. Jane: Yo. Daria: (Not too coldly) Hi. Lenore: Who's Quinn? Daria: My sister. Jane: A real headcase. Daria: In that the contents of her head are locked in a case. Jane: A case that was lost at the airport. Daria: And run over by a sky cap. Lenore: I get the picture. I hate it when people are like that. Nice outfit, Daria. Jane: How long've you been here? Lenore: About half an hour. I called Trent and asked if he needed help with the equipment. Where were you? Daria: Where no man has gone before. Jane: You mean where no overly contemplative teenage girl has gone before. Daria: Good point. Who knows what Quinn does with the guys she brings home. They look at Lenore. She is confused. Daria & Jane: Never mind. Trent enters. Trent: Janey, Jesse needs your help tuning the guitars or something. Jane: Sure. (Looks wickedly at Daria) So Trent, Daria's sleeping over tonight. Trent: Oh yeah, Lenore doesn't have a ride home, so she wanted to know if she could stay, too. Don't worry, I told her it's cool. Jesse (OS): Hey, Jane? Jane shrugs her eyebrows once, suggestively, and smiles. Jane: Duty calls. Daria glares at her, and she exits quickly. Daria and Lenore watch her go, then look to each other. As he talks, Trent goes about pouring punch into a bowl, then taking bottles out of a cardboard box and adding their contents into the mix. Trent: So Lenore. You were telling me about your band in the City. Lenore: Yeah. It was called Grain of Salt- me and three other girls. I played bass and sang, but the other girls wrote the songs. Some we wrote together. Trent: Ever try to write a song of your own? Lenore: Well... Trent smiles smoothly. Trent: Come on, Lenore. You can tell me and Daria. They look at Daria. Daria looks at the two of them, sensing she should say something encouraging. Daria: Yeah. Lenore: Well... I wrote a few. But I never showed them to anyone. Trent: You wanna sing something with the band tonight? You could teach us something you wrote. Lenore: I don't know... Trent: It'd be really cool. Right, Daria? Daria: Freezing. Lenore: But Trent, I mean, no one's ever heard my song before, and I don't have my music with me, and- Trent: Now you're just making excuses. You can't let fear stand between you and your dream. Tell her, Daria. Daria: Excuse me? Trent: You know, seize the day. No guts no glory. That kind of thing. Daria: Oh, right. Seizures. Guts. What he said. Trent: I bet you've got a great voice. Finally, Lenore smiles. Lenore: Sure. Why not? Trent: C'mon, you can show me the chords and I'll follow you. Daria: Like a bloodhound. Trent puts an arm around Lenore and leads her to the living room. He stops. Trent: You coming, Daria? Daria: I'd better stay here. Trent shrugs and they leave. Daria: And drown myself in the punch bowl. •Int. Lane Living Room The rest of the band has arrived. In the background, Trent presents them to Lenore. Jane watches her teach them her song as Daria enters with two plates of sandwiches. Daria: Having fun? Jane: Not as much as you are, I'm sure. Daria: Because that would be impossible. So much for my feminine wiles. Jane: I knew we should've gone with the see-through shirt. Daria: Thanks for the vote of confidence. Jane: (Referring to sandwiches) Need a hand? Daria: Yeah. Just wrap it around my neck and squeeze tightly. Jane: Come on. She takes a plate and they resume setting up. •Int. Lane Living Room The guests have now arrived- with tattoos and body pierces much in evidence. There are a lot of them. The band has not yet started playing, but there is music. Daria stands alone in a corner, surveying the crowd. Daria: Woo hoo. Let the good times roll. Trent (OS): Hey, Daria. Daria freezes, then looks behind her. Trent stands there. Daria: Uh, hi Trent. What's up? Trent: You never met the rest of the band, did you? They're over here. Daria: I dunno Trent. I'm not so good with... people. Trent: It's just the band. Come on. She lets him lead her over to the gathered band. Daria looks at them with distaste. Daria: (In her head) Maybe if I'm really really lucky, they'll tell me stories about throwing up or how they'll never sell out. Trent: Hey. Max: Hey man. Nick: What's up, Trent? Trent: Introductions, guys. This is Nick, our bass player, and this is Max, the drummer. Jesse: (Clapping his hand on Max's shoulder) And owner of The Tank. Max: Nice to meet you. Nick: Yeah. And you are? Daria: Bond. James Bond. They laugh. Nick: You're a pretty cool chick. Daria: And I get cooler when you address me as a barnyard animal. Next try horsie or rabid sheep dog. Nick laughs affably, admitting defeat. Nick: Point taken. (Daria relaxes visibly) Quick Trent, tell me her real name before she gets me again. Trent: Guys, meet Daria Morgendorffer. Nick: So this is Daria. Max: Jane's friend, the Daria you were telling us about? Daria: You were telling them about me? Trent does not seem at all embarrassed. Max: Yeah, Trent was saying how cool you are, for a High Schooler. Daria: Oh. Trent: That's not exactly how I said it. Max: Whatever. You're the words, man. I just keep the beat. Trent: So it goes, my friend. Jesse: So it goes. Nick: So it goes. Daria: (In her head) So I go, before they give each other matching tattoos. Uh, I'm gonna see how Lenore's doing. Max: That Lenore's another really cool chick. Nick: Almost as cool as you, Daria. Trent puts a friendly arm around her. Trent: As cool as Daria? No way. Daria smiles. •Int. Lane Living Room The band is finishing up a song. Daria and Jane stand towards the back, listening. Daria: Where's Lenore? I couldn't find her before. Jane: She was touching up her song. She's really nervous that people'll be critical. Daria: Oh, that's right. She's never heard Mystik Spiral play. The song is finished. Jane: Here it comes. Trent: Thanks to everybody for coming out and supporting us tonight. It's great to know that after a year there are so many people into our art. Maybe we won't change our name after all. (Cheers- Yeah Mystik Spiral, etc) Before our next song I just wanna say hi to my little sister Janey and our friend Daria, Mystik Spiral's biggest fans. Jane: 'Our' friend, eh? Daria: And his biggest fan, too. How do I find the time? Trent: For our next number we're bringing up another very cool friend, just in from the City. Voice from Crowd: New York or Seattle? Trent: New York. (Various cheers for New York City) Formerly of Grain of Salt, with a song she wrote herself, here's Lenore Bloome. (Cheers) Lenore goes on stage, hugs Trent and kisses his cheek. Lenore: Hey Mystik Spiral fans. Having fun? (Cheers) I definitely wanna say hi to Jane and Daria, who brought me here today. Though tying me up and throwing me in the trunk wasn't really necessary. Daria: So much for being nervous. Jane: Well, now she's heard them play. Lenore: Okay, let's get this started! (Max counts it off and they begin playing, medium tempo and semi-dark. After the intro, Lenore begins to sing- very well:) When we met I couldn't tell If you were twelve or forty-five You lived each day for someone else At night you just want to be alive Your frame was stuffed with TNT You'd light the fuse like a cigarette I'd watch you snuff it before someone got hurt Just waiting for you to forget (Trent and Jesse sing backup on the chorus) Sit down before I tie you down Let me give you something to lose You're caught between yourself and yourself And pretty soon you're gonna have to choose Sit down before I knock you down Don't tell me you're surprised Maybe you're just afraid I'll find An epic in your eyes. Between verses, Lenore smiles to Daria and Jane, who exchange looks. •Int. Lane Living Room The band has stopped, but there is loud music on. Everyone mingles, et cetera, except for Jane and a sullen Daria, who stand there. Lenore approaches, excited. Lenore: Hey! Jane: Hey, you were great! Daria: Yeah. Lenore: Really, you liked it? Jane: Definitely. Lenore: Thanks so much! Trent's been so cool about this- got me thinking, now, I should really get in a band. Y'know, I wish the three of us could have a band. Jane: Yeah, too bad me and Daria don't sing. Or play instruments. Or write music. Daria: Or have rhythm. Or pitch. Or talent. Lenore: She's cheerful. Jane: More so than usual. There are a lot of people waiting to congratulate you, Lenore. Lenore: (Sensing she's intruding on something) Oh, yeah. I'll see you around. She goes off. Jane: She was pretty good... Daria: I'm getting a drink. You want one? Jane: I don't drink anything Trent mixed. Daria: Good point. I think I saw some soda cans in the refrigerator. Jane: Lead on, Daria the Conqueror. Daria: (Going)I define my name. Go define your own. Jane: Alright, what do you want me to call you? They stop. Across the room they see Lenore and Trent talking. Trent signals he can't hear her. She tries again. Trent gestures and they leave the room together. Daria: The Village Idiot should work. •Int. Lane Kitchen Later. Daria is alone, sipping a soda silently. Lenore enters. Lenore: Hey Morgendorffer, what're you doing in the kitchen? Daria: After a certain point the vomiting and passing out gets to me. The body count's lower in here. Lenore sits on the counter. Lenore: Yeah. Some people are so dumb. Why're you all alone? Daria: Jane's talking to some of the band guys. I told her it was okay. Lenore: Oh. (Pause) Can I ask you a question? Daria: (Suspiciously) What? Lenore: It's about, well- earlier tonight- I mean- (Pause) Is Lane available? Daria's eyes narrow and she turns away to put her can by the sink. She finds some business to keep her eyes averted- rinsing out the can, looking out the window, etc. Daria: Yeah, as far as I know. Lenore: Oh good. I mean, we just met today, but I know when I like someone. Daria: And I'm guessing you know now. Lenore: Definitely. I mean, nothing serious yet, not until we get to know each other better. But Lane seems like a lot of fun. Daria: Yeah. Lenore: Y'know I should be surprised you haven't gotten involved that way. The two of you'd be cute together. But I feel like you're not interested in that kind of thing. Daria: (Almost to herself) Or vice-versa. Lenore: Uh-oh. What do you mean? Daria: I'm not exactly the right type. Lenore: Really. I am surprised. Y'know, maybe I shouldn't pursue this. You two've known each other so much longer- Daria is resolved, as always, to hide her emotions. Daria: Do what you want. If you worry about my feelings, I might start having some. Lenore: (Brow furrowed) Daria... Daria: Like Trent said, you shouldn't let fear... do something. I forget the second part. Lenore sighs. Lenore: Do you think I even have a chance? Daria: I don't know, Lenore. Better than anyone else. You've sure made a good impression. (In her head) Where you made the impression I don't want to know. Lenore gets up. Lenore: I'm gonna go talk to her. Daria turns to her, confused. Daria: Her? Lenore: Yeah, Jane. Who'd you think I was talking about? Daria: Uh, Trent? Lenore: Oh, I'm a lesbian. I thought you knew. She leaves. Daria stands there stunned. Daria: Jane? Daria remembers snatches of conversation. Jane's Voice: You should've seen the look on Quinn's face when I came out of the closet... Lenore's Voice: I hate it when people are like that... Jane's Voice: (Overlapping) Lenore and I can sit in the back... Lenore's Voice: (Overlapping) Earlier tonight... Jane's Voice: (Overlapping) ...when I came out of the closet... Realization dawns. Daria: Uh-oh. •Int. Lane Living Room Jane is talking to an admiring Jesse, Max, and Nick. Lenore approaches. Max: So Jane, whatcha think of the set? Jesse: Yeah Jane, did my guitar sound okay? Nick: What about the bass? Jane is starting to look weary. Jane: Yeah, guys, you were great. Max: Really? Lenore: Jane, can I talk to you a minute? Jane: Sure. Sorry guys- girl stuff. Jesse: Oh. Nick: Gotcha. She goes off with Lenore. Jane: Thanks. I was getting a little tired of all that attention. Lenore: Oh, really? Jane: Yeah. Don't get me wrong, I like attention. But when guys start hanging on me I feel like Daria's sister. This encourages Lenore. Lenore: You're welcome, but I wasn't just rescuing you. Jane: Oh? What'd you want to say? Lenore: Come on, let's go somewhere more quiet. •Int. Lane Living Room Daria stands by the doorway to the foyer, searching- squinting, standing on her toes, etc. She finds neither Jane, Trent, or Lenore. The front door catches her eye- it's ajar. •Ext. Lane House Night (of course). Daria walks up to Trent, who is sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette. She sits down next to him. Daria: Hey. Trent: Oh, hey Daria. (He flicks the cigarette into the gutter) Having fun? Daria: (Is not) Uh, yeah. You? Trent: (Is not) Sure. Daria: Are you okay, Trent? (Pause) Is it something about... Lenore? Trent: Maybe. Daria: Then she told you. Trent: Yeah. Daria: You're upset? Trent: I dunno. I guess. Daria: (Grimly) So you do like her. Trent: Who, Lenore? She's cool Daria, but I hardly know her. It takes more than writing a song to get me interested- everyone I know's a musician. (Correcting himself) Except for you. Daria smiles despite herself. Daria: Oh. So, why're you upset? Trent: It's about Janey. It's not like I have a problem with it, it's just weird. Daria: What, that she might... like girls? Trent: It's hard enough imagining her liking guys. There's nothing wrong with it, it's totally cool. It's just... a new idea. Daria: Yeah. Don't you just hate it when people break out of those little boxes you put them in? Trent: Come on Daria, I'm trying. Daria: I know. Trent: So, then, is she? Janey, I mean. Daria: I dunno Trent. I guess it would explain a few things. Of course, not things that didn't already have explanations. But if she is, we know that's great. And she'll need our support with people who think otherwise. Trent: Yeah. I guess I'm just afraid it'll change everything. Daria: Only a little. It'll probably be good for us. Change is what makes us alive, after all. (Pause) Did I just say that? Trent: You're right, Daria. Thanks. What about you? Daria: What about me? Trent: You've been weird all day. When I picked you guys up with Lenore you were acting funny, and then you show up in this outfit. Nice, but what's up with that? Daria: (Embarrassed) I guess I just felt like I had to compete with Lenore. Trent: (Surprised) For Janey? Daria: No. In general. It's weird meeting another person I actually like. I felt like it was her or me. Trent: Come on Daria, you know no one could take your place. Daria blushes. Daria: Thanks. Trent: No kidding, Daria. You're a pretty cool chick. She smiles. They sit there for a moment, saying nothing. Jane: (OS) Mind if I cut in? They turn. Jane stands next to Trent, just behind him. Daria: How long were you standing there? Jane: Long enough to make sure I wasn't interrupting. She sits down next to Trent. He and Daria look at her. She offers nothing. Daria: (Casually) So... Trent: (Casually) So... Jane: (Casually) So... Trent looks at her. Trent: So? Jane: So, we talked. And, I told her I was flattered, and that I like her a lot, but that's not what I'm interested in right now. Who knows, maybe later in life. But not now. Daria: Too bad. Lesbianism is almost as 'in' as anorexia. Jane: And I'm sure the lesbian community appreciates the comparison. Daria: How's Lenore? Jane: Okay- she totally understands, and she's still staying over and everything. I'm glad. Trent: Yeah, me too. Daria: I'll make that unanimous. Lenore (OS): Hey. They turn. Lenore: Mind if I join you? Jane: Oh, sit down already. She sits next to Daria, addressing Trent. Lenore: Your friends don't take partying lightly. Most of the guests are... asleep. Jane: I'm surprised, Trent, you're doing pretty well. You recognized me. Trent: I'm the host, I took it easy. What about you guys? Lenore: I had a little. And I hope the whole musician thing works out for you, Trent, 'cause you're no bartender. They say nothing for a moment, enjoying the night and the company. Trent puts an arm around Jane's shoulders, and she loops one about his waist. Jane: So, how is everyone? Anybody have some unresolved issues they'd like to clear up? (With a wicked grin) You Daria? Daria: Nope. Jane: How 'bout you Trent? You cool? Trent: Freezing. Jane: (Getting annoyed) Lenore? Lenore: (Good naturedly) Would it ruin the little joke you're having with yourself if I say yes? Jane: Probably, but go ahead. Lenore: Well, this is kind of embarrassing, but hear me out. I still... I still like it here. Jane: You city folk are bizarre, aren't you? Lenore: My family's restaurant is never going to make it. I don't want to leave- you guys are so brave, I want to get to know you. I want a lawn. I want to face the perils of teenage driving in an intensely alcoholic and irresponsible environment. (Pause) Okay, I'm kidding about the lawn. Daria: Y'know Lenore, I don't think you have to worry about the restaurant. Jane: Uh-oh, the girl's got a plan. You can see the gears working behind her glasses. Daria: We should probably start cleaning up. Trent: What's the damage? Lenore: Seen worse. I'm not cleaning the bathroom, though. Jane: Trent's the host. Trent: Maybe we should do it tomorrow. Lenore: It is tomorrow. 3 AM. Jane: Wow Daria. The longest you've ever stayed at a party. Daria: Not counting that time in Monte Carlo with the British Secret Agent. Jane: But we don't talk about that. (Pause) So, what're we gonna do tonight? Daria: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Jane: Daria, I told you not to call me that in public. Trent and Lenore look at each other. Lenore: Maybe we should just sit back and enjoy this, Trent. They'll remember us eventually. A contented silence descends as the four sit there. •Ext. Morgendorffer House Day. Daria, in Quinn's clothing, walks into her driveway just as the car's pulled up. She stops as Helen gets out, slams the door, and storms towards the house. Daria: Hey Mom. How was the Country Club? Helen: Daria don't make me send you to your room! She is gone. Jake, his arm in a splint, follows sullenly. Daria turns to see Quinn get out of the car. Caught wearing her sister's clothes, Daria searches for an explanation. Daria: Quinn, about your closet- Quinn: I don't believe how lucky you were to get out of this Daria. First Daddy fell off a horse and broke his arm and then Mr. Van Helsing had too many martinis and made a pass at Mom and she gave him a black eye and lost the account and I got mud all over my pink patent leather shoes with the wedge heels but the WORST, the absolute WORST thing was that Steven is really hot and calls himself Stefan now but he spent the whole time talking to this lifeguard girl even though I was wearing those cute little khaki shorts and my collared baby tee! I hate boys, Daria! I'm never talking to a single boy ever again! Daria: Oh good. Because some guy Chad called for you, but I told him you'd sworn off his gender for life. Quinn: How could you! He's only the hottest guy in the Junior grade! Thanks a lot, my life is now officially ruined! (Pause) Nice outfit, Daria. •Ext. Lawndale Street The next day. Daria and Jane walk to school. Daria wears her normal garb. Jane: So, we got out of the closet thing without a scrape? Daria: Squeaky clean. Though one day she's got to notice we cut the sequin heart off her shirt. Jane: Don't count on it. By then sequin hearts'll be out and she'll think she bought it like that. Glad to see you've given up on the name thing, by the way. Daria: Oh I haven't given it up. I'm spelling Morgendorffer with a p-h. Jane: One p-h or two? Daria: Now you're just being silly. Jane: Oh, sorry. I talked to Lenore last night. Daria: And? Jane: And she said her parents' restaurant was remarkably busy for a Sunday night. Daria: (Playing dumb) Oh. Good to hear. Jane: How'd you do it. Daria: Simple. I told each member of the Fashion Club that I'd seen one of the others there. That should give them at least ten couples per night, though the quality of their clientele's shot. Jane: Wow. Arranging to accidentally run into each member of the Fashion Club on a Sunday evening. Now that's a friend. Daria: Actually it wasn't even that hard. It's amazing what people will believe when they think they're talking to my sister. Jane's eyes widen. Jane: YOU do a Quinn imitation? Lemme hear it. Daria: Let me think. No. Jane: Please. Daria: No. Jane: Please. Daria: No. Jane: Pretty pretty please with sugar on top? Daria: Nice try. Jane: Artificial sweetener? Daria: No! Jane: High fructose corn syrup? Daria stops, then Jane. Daria: What're you asking me to do again? Pause. Jane: I forget. But it's kind of making me hungry. (They continue) So, d'you have fun this weekend? Daria: It was kind of a roller coaster ride. But I guess if you add it all up... no. No I did not. Jane: You're just saying that to keep your record clean. Daria: I enjoyed pulling one over on Quinn. That's all I'm giving you. Jane: So generous. Though I guess it was one of those things where nothing turns out the way you thought it would. Daria: Real suspenseful. No one ends up happy, everyone ends up alone. Jane: The same thing we do every night... Daria: At least we've still got our positive outlooks. Jane: And those hordes of friends who wanna be just like us. (Pause) Daria? Why do we relish misery so? Daria: It's a vicious cycle. But at least we'll never run out of material. CUT TO CREDITS Daria and all the characters therein, except Lenore, are property of MTV. Etc.