THE MUPPET SHOW:
CYNICISM & VIOLENCE
(Open on a dressing room door. We hear a knock and Scooter pokes his head in.)
SCOOTER: Daria Morgendorffer?
(Cut to Jane who is sketching in her skechbook.)
JANE: Thanks Scooter, we’ll be ready.
SCOOTER: Hey, Jane, where’s Daria?
JANE: Well, you know how I wanted to surprise her with our appearance on the show?
SCOOTER: Yeah?
JANE: I had to make sure she stuck around to enjoy the surprise.
(She pulls open the closet door and we see Daria bound and gagged, glaring at Jane with murder in her eyes.)
(Cut to the Muppet Show title placard. The door in the “O” opens and Kermit appears.)
KERMIT: It’s The
Muppet Show, with our very special guests, the stars of MTV’s
Daria! Yaaaaaaaaay!
(The placard rises and the orchestra starts to play. C’mon kids! Sing along! You know the words! Make all those people around you in the computer lab look at you funny!)
MUPPET WOMEN: It’s time to play the music
It’s time to light the lights
It’s time to meet the Muppets
On the Muppet Show tonight!
MUPPET MEN: It’s time to put on makeup
It’s time to dress up right
It’s time to raise the curtain
On the Muppet Show tonight!
(Cut to Statler and Waldorf in their box)
WALDORF: Why do we always come here?
STATLER: I guess we’ll never know.
WALDORF: It’s like a kind of torture.
BOTH: To have to watch the show!
(Bridge)
MUPPETS: And now let’s get things started…
AUDIENCE: Why don’t you get things started?
(Cut to Kermit)
KERMIT: It’s time to get things started…
MUPPETS: On the most sensational
Inspirational…
Celebrational…
Muppetational…
This is what we call
The Muppet Shoooooooooow!
((The Muppet Show Sign drops, now with Gonzo in the “O.” He blows his trumpet and we hear a familiar “la la LA la la.” Appropriate perplexed look from Gonzo.)
(Cut to the front curtians. Kermit enters to applause.)
KERMIT: Thank you! Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show! We have an interesting show for you tonight because our guests are the stars of the hit MTV animated series Daria. So, let’s start things off—
(Scooter rushes in.)
SCOOTER: Hey! Hey, Kermit!
KERMIT: Scooter! I’m in the middle of the first introduction.
SCOOTER: Yeah, sorry. But we’ve got a big problem!
KERMIT: The Flying Zucchinis haven’t gotten back into the
building, have they?
SCOOTER: No, but Daria says she won’t go on!
KERMIT: What?!
SCOOTER: She says she was shanghaied into doing the show.
KERMIT: Teriffic. What about everybody else?
SCOOTER: They’re all for it. Daria’s the only holdout.
KERMIT: All right, let me get the first act on, then I’ll deal with this.
SCOOTER: Right, Chief.
KERMIT: (to audience) Well, even though our main guest star seems to have come down with a case of stage fright, that hasn’t stopped us from putting together a tribute for her. And now, the new hit rock pastry group, Cake(s)! Yaaaaay!
(The curtains open and sure enough, we see five members of
the rock group Cake(s)…an all singing, all dancing, all cake band. That is to
say, the band is made up of singing cakes with candles and fruit garnish and
everything.)
DRUMMER CAKE: One, two, three, four…
LEAD CAKE: When you tried to kiss me
I only bit your tongue.
When you tried to get me together
I only came undone.
When you tried to tell me
The one for me was you,
I was in your mattress back in 1982.
ALL CAKES: Daria, I won't be soothed.
Daria, I won't be soothed over like,
Smoothed over like milk,
Silk, a bedspread, or a quilt,
Icing on a cake,
Or a serene translucent lake.
Daria, Daria, Daria,
I won't be soothed.
I won't be soothed.
(At this point we see Animal enter and looking over at the Drummer Cake)
LEAD CAKE: When you tried to tell me
Of all the love you had,
I was cleaning oil from beaches
Seeing only what was bad.
When you tried to feed me
I only shut my mouth.
Food got on your apron
And you told me to get out.
ANIMAL: CAAAAAKE! (He begins eating the Drummer Cake. The other cakes scream and vacate the stage in a panic. Animal pursues them.)
ANIMAL: CAKE! CAKE! CAAAAAKE!
(Cut to backstage. Kermit is at his desk, looking over paperwork. The cakes run by for their lives.)
CAKES: RUN! RUN! GET OUT OF THE WAY!
(Animal runs past Kermit.)
ANIMAL: CAAAAAAAKE!
(Kermit looks offscreen at the direction the cakes and Animal have gone.)
KERMIT: Well, I guess that’s one way to get dessert to go.
(He goes back to the paperwork on his desk)
KERMIT: Now, lessee here, if I move the yodeling squid to the fifth slot, then call the paramedics a half hour earlier for Gonzo…
(Jane comes down the stairs from the dressing rooms.)
JANE: Hey, Kermit!
(Applause)
KERMIT: (coming over) Oh, hey, Jane! Everything all right with the dressing rooms?
JANE: Everything’s great. Listen, about Daria…
KERMIT: Don’t worry. We’ve handled last minute stage fright from guests before.
JANE: Uh…yeah. I know. But…well, Daria kinda didn’t know that I booked us on the show tonight.
KERMIT: Pardon?
JANE: I thought she’d get a kick out of it. I figured she could read some poetry or something. I was going to surprise her. (beat) She didn’t take it too well.
KERMIT: Oh boy…so where is she now?
JANE: Last I saw, she was hiding in the dressing room at the end of the hall.
KERMIT: (gasps) The one with the silver star?
JANE: Yeah…is that a problem?
KERMIT: (hesitantly) Well..uh…*ahem*…it’s just, that’s where Gonzo keeps his giant yodeling squid—
(Right on cue, there’s an offscreen yodel, a crash, and Daria staggers in from the upstairs hallway and down the stairs. A squid wearing her glasses and an alpine hat is draped over her head.)
DARIA: (glaring at Jane) I hate you.
KERMIT: I better—uh—go introduce the next act. (Exits)
(Gonzo enters and starts at Daria’s appearance.)
GONZO: Phil! How could you?! (to Daria) You stole my act!
(Daria frowns, recovers her glasses, then hurls the squid at Gonzo. It connects with a squishy thud, knocking Gonzo over.)
(Cut to Muppet Newsroom)
NEWSMAN: Here is a Muppet News flash! (Enters) A severe storm warning has been issued for this area. Details are sketchy at this time, but officials state that it could rain like rats and squid. (beat) Rats and squid? That’s ridiculous. Whoever heard of it raining—OH NO!
(He is pummeled senseless by a very localized rain of rats and squid.)
(Cut to backstage. The Newsman is coming offstage covered in squid. Kermit and Daria are watching.)
KERMIT: Sorry about the squid.
NEWSMAN: It’s okay. At least it isn’t yodeling.
SQUID: Yodel-ody-olo-ody-odel-a-hee-hoooo!
(Exit Newsman with squid)
KERMIT: Yeah. (turns to Daria) Look, Daria, I know Jane didn’t tell you you guys were booked on the show, but couldn’t I talk you into doing something onstage tonight?
DARIA: Kermit, don’t let this get around, but I love the show. However, I also know the kind of craziness that goes on around here. Besides which, I’m not much of a performer. I’m not about to go out there and humiliate myself.
KERMIT: Oh, come on, you’re not going to humiliate yourself…
(Enter Scooter.)
SCOOTER: Kermit! The tap dancing chickens can’t go on!
KERMIT: Why not?
SCOOTER: They slipped on some squid left back in the rehearsal hall!
KERMIT: So?
SCOOTER: Well, they were tapdancing on a plank over a vat of hot grease that the Swedish Chef was planning to use.
(Half a dozen fried chickens go walking by, followed by the Swedish Chef.)
CHICKENS: Bawk bawk bawk-bawk bawwwwwk.
SWEDISH CHEF: Yeesh voor hurndeen skoorden friden chickies!
KERMIT: Oh boy…
DARIA: Should I put in a call to Colonel Sanders?
KERMIT: No thanks. (to Scooter) All right, go get Piggy, Rowlf, and Janice. Vet’s Hospital is up next.
SCOOTER: But we don’t have anyone to play the paitent.
KERMIT: Let me worry about that. Go get ‘em.
SCOOTER: Check. (exits)
KERMIT: (into the squawkbox) Veternarian’s Hospital next! (to Daria) You sure I can’t change your mind? I have a hole in the schedule.
DARIA: Not a chance. It’s dangerous out there.
(The cast of Vet’s Hospital charges in, knocking Daria to the ground and trampling her.)
DARIA: GAH!
(She starts to get back up but is knocked down again as Beauregard wheels the hospital gurney onstage.)
KERMIT: (looking down at her) Uh…Daria? Are you all right?
(Daria’s hand comes into shot, pointing at Kermit.)
DARIA: I’m going to get you for this, frog.
(Cut to the Vet’s Hospital set. Piggy is playing with a cup and ball toy. She notices the audience, hides the toy, and goes over to join the rest of the cast. During this: )
ANNOUNCER: Time once again for Veternarian’s Hospital. The continuing stooooory of a quack who’s gone to the dogs…
(When Piggy gets to the table, we see Rowlf, as Dr. Bob, wearing tartan golfing gear.)
PIGGY: Dr. Bob, whay are you dressed like that?
DR. BOB: I had some free time this morning so I shot a few rounds.
JANICE: Of golf?
DR. BOB: No, buckshot. The freeway was jammed again.
(groans)
PIGGY: Are you a tempermental driver, Dr. Bob?
DR. BOB: Tempermental? Certainly not. Why, just last week I gave a ride to a little old lady who was stranded by the side of the road.
JANICE: That was nice of you.
DR. BOB: Well, I figured it was the least I could do after running over her cat.
PIGGY: You ran over that poor woman’s cat?
DR. BOB: Yes, purely by accident. Sadly, the lady was walking home with her grocery shopping and I ended up crushing her breakfast cereal too.
PIGGY: What kind of cereal was it?
DR. BOB: What else? Meow-slix.
(Groans from under the sheet on the gurney.)
DR. BOB: What was that?
JANICE: It’s the paitent, Dr. Bob.
(Dr. Bob pulls back the sheet, revealing Daria.)
DARIA: Uhhhhh…
DR. BOB: Good greif! What’s she doing here? This is a veternary hospital!
JANICE: According to her chart, this is all her employer’s insurance will pay for.
DR. BOB: Outrageous! Who does she work for?
JANICE: MTV.
PIGGY: Well that explains it. She’s a mule.
DR. BOB: A mule? Why do you say that?
PIGGY: Because anyone who would work for that network must be a jackass.
(Laughs)
DARIA: (to audience) Pay attention, folks, this show is about to be pre empted by Celebrity Deathmatch.
JANICE: Not with Dr. Bob on the show.
DARIA: Oh? Why?
JANICE: Then you’ll have to change the title to Celebrity Deathmuch.
(Laughs and groans)
DARIA: Oh, god.
ANNOUNCER: And so we come to the end of another painfully unfunny episode of Veternarian’s Hospital. Tune in again next week when we hear Dr. Bob say…
DR. BOB: (picking up a clipboard) Aha! Here’s the problem! Increased pedermal pressure on her extreme upper spinal column.
JANICE: But what does that mean, Dr. Bob?
DR. BOB: It means we should stop standing on her neck!
(more groans. Music swells. Fade
out. Commercial break.)
(Fade in on the curtains. Kermit enters.)
KERMIT: Many of you are familiar with
(The curtains open, revealing Jane in a victorian era gown, holding an uncomfortable pose, while Gonzo paints at an easel. The set is a city park on a warm summer day.)
JANE: George. (no response) Why is it you always get
to sit in the shade while I have to stand in the sun? (still
no response) Hello, George? There is someone in this dress! And I don’t think
it’s just me! (twitches slightly, sighs, mutters to
herself)
A trickle of sweat.
The back of the head.
He always does this.
(hisses)
Now the foot is dead.
Sunday in the park with George.
One more Su-
The collar is damp,
Beginning to pinch.
The bustle's slipping-
I won't budge one inch.
Who was at the zoo. George?
The monkeys and who George.
The monkeys and who?
GONZO: Don't move. (He goes off for a moment.)
JANE: Artists are bizarre. Fixed. Cold.
That's you, George, you're bizarre. Fixed. Cold.
I like that in a man. Fixed. Cold.
God, it's hot up here.
Well, there are worse things
Than staring at the water on a Sunday.
There are worse things
Then staring at the water
As you're posing for a picture
Being painted by your lover
In the middle of the summer
On an island in the river on a Sunday.
(Gonzo reenters, leading a group of monkeys dressed like sheiks on the backs of camels. He hands the reins to Jane, who takes them looking perplexed.)
The petticoat's wet,
Which adds to the weight.
The sun is blinding.
All right, concentrate. .
(She closes her eyes) Ommmmmmmmm…
GONZO: Eyes open, Please.
(Jane opens her eyes and sighs.)
JANE: Sunday in the Park with George...
GONZO: Look out at the water. Not at me.
(She does so. A longboat full of pigs in Viking gear sail by in a bizarre interlude…)
PIGS: In the Navy.
You can sail the seven seas
In the Navy
You can put your mind at ease…
(They sail off. Gonzo puts down his brush and goes off again. Jane looks back at the audience, shrugs and continues.)
JANE: Sunday in the park with George...
Well, if you want breed
And respect
And attention,
Not to say connection,
Modelling's no profession.
(does mock poses)
If you went instead,
When you're deed,
Some more public and more permanent expression
(poses)
Of affection,
(poses)
You want a painter,
Poet,
Sculptor, preferably:
Marble, granite, bronze.
Durable.
Something nice with swans
That's durable
Forever.
All it has to be is good.
And George, you're good,
You're really good.
George's stroke is tender,
George's touch is pure.
Your eyes, George.
I love your eyes, George.
I love your beard George.
I love your size--
(Jane blinks and stops singing. She reaches into a pocket, pulls out the lyrics and reviews them. She frowns.)
JANE: Uh, no…I don’t think so. Let’s try this again…
(sings)
Your eyes, George.
I love your eyes, George.
I love your beard George
I love your…nose,
George.
George?
George?
(The music stops. Jane frowns and yells offstage)
JANE: Yo! George! I’m starting to chafe out here!
GONZO: (offstage) Just a minute! Keep going!
JANE: Oh, for crying out--
(sings)
But most, George,
Of all,
But most of all,
I love your painting...
(looking up at the sun)
I think I'm fainting.
The tip of a stay.
Right under the tit.
No don't give in. Just
Lift the arm bit...
(Gonzo comes rushing in, pulling on a long rope.)
GONZO: Don't lift the arm, please.
JANE: (spoken) Why not?
GONZO: Oh, it spooks the elephant.
JANE: Elephant? What elephant?
GONZO: This one. (He pulls on the rope for a moment, then looks up at Jane.) Uh, do you mind?
JANE: Oh right.
(She grabs the rope and starts pulling with Gonzo, bringing in a huge Muppet elephant. It wraps it’s trunk around Jane and hoists her up. Jane blinks in surprise but keeps singing.)
JANE: Sunday in the park with George...
GONZO: The bustle high, please.
JANE: Hey! No comments about my bustle!
(We hear Daria from offstage.)
DARIA: (O/S) Yeah, don’t force her to show it on national TV. This is allegedly a family show.
JANE: Don’t make me come over there, Morgendorffer!
(Cut to Daria in the wings.)
DARIA: Anything you say, O Queen of the Jungle.
(Cut back to Jane, who is now on the back of the elephant and still singing.)
JANE: Not even a nod
As if I were trees.
The ground could open,
He would still say "please."
Never know with you, George,
Who could know with you?
The others I knew, George.
Before we get through,
I'll get to you, too.
God, I am so hot!
(At this point a group of English hunters arrive on the scene.)
1ST HUNTER: I say, chaps! Look at that specimen!
2ND HUNTER: The girl?
1ST HUNTER: No, the elephant.
2ND HUNTER: Oh.
1ST HUNTER: Right chaps, lock and load.
JANE: (looking uneasily at the hunters) Uh, Gonzo…little help here?
GONZO: Right away.
(He rushes off, the hunters take aim and are about to fire in Jane’s direction, when Gonzo rushes back in with the Viking pigs, who proceed to duke it out with the hunters. Then the monkeys on the camels pull scimitars from somewhere and jump into the fray. This, naturally, riles the elephant who begins stomping people into oblivion. Then French Legionaires arrive with a cannon and rifles and soon the entire set is one big war. Through all this, Jane holds onto the elephant for dear life and continues with the song, as Gonzo paints.)
JANE: (unsteadily) Well, there are worse things
Than staring at the water on a Sunday.
There are worse things
Than staring at the water
(At this point she gets down off the elephant and proceeds to lay down seven types of hell, aided by her boots, which we now see she has on under the dress.)
JANE: As you're posing for a picture (wham)
After sleeping on the ferry (wham)
After getting up at seven (wham)
To came over to an island (wham)
In the middle of a river (wham)
Half an hour from the city (wham)
On a Sunday. (wham)
On a Sunday in the park with-
GONZO: Hold it!
(Everybody freezes in mid action. The Pigs are fighting with the Leigionares, the Hunters have formed a kickline with the elephant, the monkeys are riding the cannon, and Jane has one of the camels in a headlock. The park set is now a blackened smoking mess.)
GONZO: Don't move the mouth.
(Jane rolls her eyes in frustration.)
JANE: -George.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
(Cut to Statler and Waldorf)
STATLER: What do you think?
WALDORF: I think Seraut to be a law against acts like that. (Both laugh.)
(Cut to backstage. Jane enters along with the other members of the “George” number.)
JANE: Kermit! Any luck getting Daria onstage?
KERMIT: No, not yet, Jane.
JANE: Well, don’t worry. I’ll get her…for those cracks if nothing else.
(
JANE:
JANE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. Look, Daria’s being stubborn and won’t go out on stage. Can you guys still do your song?
KERMIT: What happened to your drummer?
(Max dashes in, the yodeling squid has a deathgrip on his head.)
MAX: AIIIIIIIGH! GET IT OFFFA MEEEEEEE!
SQUID: Yodel-o-la-dee-hoooooo!
(Rapid exit offscreen. Crash. Trent, Jane and Kermit stare offscreen.)
KERMIT: Uh…yeah. I’ll talk to Animal. I’m sure he’ll want to sit in.
(Scooter passes by.)
KERMIT: Scooter! Where’s Animal?
SCOOTER: Last I saw, he was down in the canteen. (exits)
KERMIT: The canteen?!
KERMIT That’s where Daria went to hide!
(And, if you haven’t guessed where this is going by now, Daria comes screaming in from the basement stairwell, corners sharply and dashes up towards the dressing rooms. Animal is in hot pursuit.)
DARIA: GAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
ANIMAL: WO-MAN! WO-MAN! WO-MAN! (pauses, looks at Jane, Trent, and Kermit.) Brainy woman!
(He continues on his merry way.)
JANE: (with an evil grin) Oh, I just GOTTA see how this turns out.(she follows)
KERMIT: Actually, it’s been pretty quiet.
(Max runs by in the opposite direction he entered, the squid still on his head.)
SQUID: Yodelodeolodeoloodeeee!
(Kermit shakes his head.)
(Cut to Muppet Labs. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is standing between Beaker, who is wearing a hard hat, and Kevin Thompson, who is wearing his usual vapid grin.)
BUNSEN: Welcome once again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.We’re proud to unveil our latest invention, the Dur-O-Plas Spray-On Shield. (He holds up a spray bottle.) Yes, just a few squirts of this on any object will render it virtually indestructible. To demonstrate, my assistant Beaker will be wearing this hard hat which has been treated with Dur-O-Plas. We will then test the Dur-O-Plas helmet by dropping two 16-ton weights. One onto Beaker’s head—
BEAKER: MEEP?!
BUNSEN: …and one onto one of the hardest substances known to mankind: the skull of the average high school football quarterback.
KEVIN: Hi, Mom! Look, I’m on TV!
(Beaker tries to escape, but Bunsen grabs him and puts him back in place.)
BEAKER: Meep! Meep-meep MEEP meep!
BUNSEN: Oh nonsense, Beaker. It’s perfectly safe. Now, just stand right here.
KEVIN: Dude, where should I stand?
BUNSEN: Right where you are will be fine, Kevin. Ready, Beaker?
BEAKER: (visibly trembles)
BUNSEN: Good! (he steps back to a lever) Now stand still, please!
KEVIN: (looking offscreen) Hey! A quarter!
(He walks off, right as Bunsen pulls the lever. The two weights crash down, missing Kevin and crushing Beaker. Bunsen comes forward.)
BUNSEN: (looking down) Oh my…Beaker? (looks up) Um…it appears that the hard hat had not yet been coated with Dur-O-Plas. Um…we will be attempting this experiment at a future date…oh dear…
BEAKER: meeeeeeep…
(Wipe to the curtains. Kermit appears.)
KERMIT: Ladies and gentlemen, in an effort to raise the
cultural value of the Muppet Show, we had invited the entire Boston Pops
orchestra here to perform selections from Richard Wagner’s Ring of the Nibelung,
however it appears that their bus lost three wheels just outside of
(The curtains open, revealing Mystik Spiral set up on the usual empty stage for musical numbers. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem are in their bandstand behind them.)