The MSTing of Sailor Brittany Here it is! My second MSTing. All feedback should be sent to skyrocket35@hotmail.com (theme music, opening sequence) (interior SOL. There are several large books on the table and Mike and the ‘bots are looking at one) Tom: That was really you? Mike: Yep, junior year. Tom: Wow, we had no idea that in high school you were such a… Crow: Geek? Mike: (glares at Crow) I’ll have you know that at the time that hairstyle was very chic. Crow: Yeah, sure, if you say so. (commercial light flashes) Mike: We’ll be right back. (hits commercial light) (Got milk? ads) (SOL) (Mike is dressed in jeans and a red T-shirt that reads “Disco Sucks”) Mike: Hi, everyone. Looking though my old years books made me realize that because I’m trapped up here on the Satellite of Love I’ll miss my next high school reunion. So, to cheer me up the ‘bots have decided to dress up as some people from my old school. I’ve just changed into my favorite outfit from my school days so let’s get this reunion going! (Gypsy enters dressed as a cheerleader. Tom has on sweats, a baseball cap and a whistle around his neck. Crow has on a letter jacket with SOL on it. Mike walks over to Gypsy) Mike: Hey, it’s Joyce Mayfield, the head cheerleader! How’s it going, Joyce? You look great! Gypsy: Ugh, Mike Nelson! I though I told you never to speak to me again, you little toad! Get away from me or I’ll have my boyfriend beat you up again! (Gypsy storms off screen) Mike: Uh…wow. I think that was a bit to much like high school. (heads over to Crow) Mike: Look, it’s Terry Chavers, captain of the wrestling team! Crow: Okay, Nelson, hand over your lunch money or I’m going to make you kiss the dirt again! Mike: (whispering) Tone it down, Crow! This is supposed to be fun. Crow: Fun?! You little piece of—( Mike shoves Crow off screen and approaches Tom) Mike: Lastly, we have my old gym teacher, Mr. Grossman. Tom: Nelson, you skinny little stick-boy! I want you to give me twenty laps around the gym right now! Mike: You know, I just remembered something. I hated high school. That’s why I never went to any of my reunions. (mads light flashes) Mike: And speaking of things I hate… Front and center, guys. Shaggy and Scooby are calling. (Deep 13. Dr. Forester is wearing a Minnesota Twins baseball cap, a T-shirt with the “Have a Nice Day” smiley face bleeding from a bullet hole in it’s forehead, a camera around his neck and a pair of shorts. TV’s Frank is wearing one of those Mickey Mouse ears hats, a T-shirt that reads “Frankie Say Relax” and a pair of jams) Dr.F: Greetings, Muppets. So, Nelson, you think disco sucks? I’ll have you know that back in the day I used to trip the light fantastic with the best of them. (SOL) Mike: I’m sure you were the king of Studio 54, sir. (D13) Dr.F: Actually, I never made it in the door. The bouncer didn’t seem to like my ‘fro. Anyway, no Invention Exchange this week, Duckboy. (SOL) Mike: Duckboy? (D13) Dr.F: You see, El Debarge, mother is taking Frank and I on vacation to Disneyworld! Pearl: (off screen) Clayton! Are you and your fat friend done torturing that geek yet?! Dr.F: Coming, mother! Pearl: (off screen) This minivan is leaving in five minutes with or without you! Frank: Steve, I don’t want to miss meeting Goofy. Dr.F (under his breath) Goofy is right. (normal) Yes, yes, Frank, this will just take a second. (turns back to screen) Tell me, Glomer, are you familiar with the TV show “Daria”? (SOL) Mike: Sure, I watch that show all the time. Tom: I love how Daria always has a wonderfully sarcastic retort for whatever moron she’s dealing with. She reminds me of me. Crow: I just like that cheerleader chick. (D13) Dr.F: Well, Kentucky Fried Robot you’ll love this! It’s a Daria/ Sailor Moon crossover. Featuring your favorite powder puff as a Sailor Scout! (SOL) Crow: (shell-shocked) There is no God. (D13) Dr.F: Prepare for deep hurting! Send them the post, Frank. Pearl: (off screen) Clayton! Dr.F: Coming mother! Frank: I want to go on the Dumbo ride. (SOL) All: We’ve got fanfic sign! (6..5..4..3..2..1..) Sailor Brittany Tom: “Deep hurting” doesn’t even begin to describe this. Mike: Come on, it’s only the first line. Tom: Yeah, but I’m getting a horrible sense of doom. The same one I got right before Dr.F sent us “Manos”. By Mitch Crow: Now we know who we have to thank for this travesty. All: (sarcastic) Thanks a bunch, Mitch! DARIA is owned by MTV Networks. Mike: I want my MTV! Tom: That was cliché and unoriginal, Mike. Mike: Come on, back in the 80’s that was the coolest thing to say ever! Crow: You need help, Duckboy. Daria Morgendorffer created by Glenn Eichler. Crow: (faking a sneeze) Eichler! Tom: Bless you. Used without permission. Mike: Oh, Mitch, you rebel you. SAILOR MOON is Crow: One hot mama! Mike: Now let’s not start that so early in the story, Crow. owned by Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha and TOEI Animation. Created by Tom: A sweatshop animation studio in Korea. Naoko T. Used without permission. Crow: (Latino voice) Permission?! We don’t need no stinkin’ permission! NOTE: This story is Tom: This is the true story… Mike: Of seven strangers… Crow: Picked to live in a house… for the purpose of parody. Mike: It’s America’s favorite game show, Gyp Parody! Also, Daria doesn't have too much to do with it. Tom: And is she ever grateful! Even today, they talk of her in whispers. Mike: But no one knows who “she” is since everyone whispers so low. Admittedly, she is now just a rumor Tom: She’s a Fleetwood Mac album? and few had even seen her the way she was then. Mike: (wispy) Young, fresh, innocent. I wish she were still that way. In any case, she did exist, Crow: She was just as real as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and black Republicans. even though there is no evidence. Mike: (Mulder) Even though I have no evidence I’m convinced that Beanie Babies are alive, Scully. Tom: (Scully) You’re on crack, Mulder. Now would you drive me to McDonald’s? I heard they just got a new shipment in. She was Brittany Taylor: Crow: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. Sailor Brittany. (all snicker uncontrollably) Brittany herself didn't know what it was all about Mike: As anyone who has ever watched “Daria” can attest. on that day when five new students entered Lawndale High Tom: (stoner voice) Honest, officer, I’m not as think as you high I am. because of an exchange program. The five girls still wore their old Crow: Underwear. Mike: Crow! school uniforms for some crazy reason. All: (singing) Crazy, crazy, crazy for you, baby… Brittany tried to ignore them but Tom: Their eyes were so honkin’ huge she couldn’t help but stare. one day they came to her, saying Crow: That the walrus was Paul. that she was the Sailor Scout of Lawndale (whatever that meant). Tom: Oh, god! The author doesn’t even know what the story is about! We’re doomed! Mike: Settle down, Tom. They gave her a magic pen that Crow: Made the lady’s clothes disappear when you turned it upside down. activated when she said Mike: Shazam! "LAWNDALE POWER". It gave her Crow: The Ebola virus. long gloves and fancy boots as well as a small tiara and a bow on the center of her shirt. Tom: She didn’t feel like a bride’s maid. She felt like a bride! The girls told her that something called the Negaverse Mike: Wasn’t that the name of a Slayer ablum? had set it's sights on Tom: A career in interpretive dance. Lawndale as well as their own home town. Crow: They also said to put a five on “Lucky Duck” in the third. Mike: Enough with the duck references! They said it was Brittany’s job to Tom: Make sure the kids were in bed by nine and no HBO no matter how much they begged. protect her school and hometown Mike: Well, I think we can safely say that town is doomed. and she had a "Pom-Pom Attack" to perform it. Tom: The Pom-Pom Attack. The most secret move in Mortal Kombat 4. When the girls left, Crow: Everyone had a big party to celebrate and got really wasted! Brittany mainly used her powers to strike Mike: Oil. at the spoil-sports and party-poopers that had always bothered her. Tom: Oh, way to use that power responsibly, Sailor Brittany! All the other students All: (singing) Used to laugh and call her names! They never let poor Brittany, join in any student games… were unaware of her double identity Crow: Because they went to a school for the blind. except for Daria Morgendorffer, Mike: The Morgendorffer from Ork. Jane Lane, Tom: Lois Lane’s lesser know sister. Jodie Landon, Crow: Star of “Highway to Heaven”. and Mack. Mike: (singing) Mack the knife! This wasn't because she confided in them. Tom: The only people she confided in were the invisible dwarfs that lived in her refrigerator. They said it was because Crow: They had some “art” photos she had done when she was young and needed money. there wasn't a big difference in appearance between Tom: Burt Raynolds and Tom Sellick. cheerleader Brittany and Sailor Brittany. Crow: And Malibu Brittany. And teacher Brittany. And astronaut Brittany. And-- Tom: Knock it off, transistor brain! She never found out how they saw through her clever disguise. Mike: Uh, they were paying attention? In her last battle, she faced Crow: The facts. Professional wrestling was fake. Tom: (Joe Friday) Just the facts ma’am. Mike: (singing) You take the good, you take the bad, and their you have the facts of life! The facts of life! a deadly, purple, energy draining monster that had attacked the Lawndale High gym. Tom: All in favor of skipping the Barney joke say “Aye”. Mike and Crow: Aye! Most of the students fled, leaving the monster to Sailor Brittany. Crow: Which was a good idea since the monster devoured her with no problem. Before she could attack, however, a spiked football fell between her and the creature. Mike: Someone had spiked it with a bottle gin. She looked up and saw Crow: (wispy) A bright tunnel with a light at the end. And the light seemed to be calling to her… her boyfriend Kevin in a tuxedo, cape, mask, and hat. Tom: He had decided to take a correspondence course in children’s birthday party magic. "I am Mike: The Lord of the Dance! Tuxedo Kevin. Crow: Tuxedo Kevin?! (all bust out laughing) Don't worry babe, look in your...uh...heart, or somethin', to, uh..." All: (singing) Look into your heart, where tomorrow shines! "I can handle this myself!" shouted Brittany. Mike: I don’t need a man to help me! I’m Alley McBeal! She then yelled Tom: To the Batmobile! "POM-POM ATTACK!" and pom-poms fired from her Crow: From her— Mike: Don’t say it, Crow! hands and banished the monster to Tom: Toledo, Ohio. another dimension. Later, Brittany told Kevin that she didn't need Crow: To get tested. She’d only done it three times and none of those guys had been sick. a philosophical tuxedo wearing hero to save her. Mike: What she needed was Superman to save her. It didn't matter though. All: (singing) Nothing really matters, nothing really matters, to meeeeeeeee……… The Scouts returned Mike: “The Scouts Return” starring Michael Keaton as Batman. Directed by Tim Burton. and told Brittany that the Negaverse would now stay away from Crow: Fried foods. Lawndale and her services were no longer needed. Tom: And that she could pick up her paycheck on the way out. Brittany reluctantly returned her transformation pen and went back to her old life. All: (singing) I will buy you an old life, were your flowers can bloom… Still, there are whispers, Crow: (crazy voice) The voices! They whisper to me! The guide me! They command me! mainly among Quinn and the Fashion Club, Mike: Quinn and the Fashion Club? Sounds like an 80’s girl band. and the pseudo-legend of Crow: Brisco County Junior. Sailor Brittany will forever live on at Lawndale High. Tom: Much to the school’s ever-lasting shame. THE END Mike: Thank god. Let’s go, guys. (1..2..3..4..5..6) (SOL main room) Mike: Well, guys, what can we learn from that? Crow: Uh, nothing? Tom: I’ll go with nothing to. Mike: Correct. There was nothing to learn from that fanfic. It served no purpose except to bring misery to anyone who read it. (mads light flashes) Mike: The heck? The Garbage Pail Kids should be halfway to Orlando by now. (hits mads button) (we see what looks Dr. F crossed with Max Headroom. There is also a Headroom-like Frank in the background, a CGI Deep13) Virtual Forester: Greetings, Jelly Bellies. I’m Virtual Doctor Forester and this my assistant, Virtual TV’s Frank. VF: I like cheese. VDR.F: We’ll be continuing the real Forester’s experiments while he’s away. And to we ever have pain for you! Two words: Menudo videos! (SOL) All: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! (VD13) VDR.F: Music to my audio receptors. Push the button, Virtual Frank. >end< Disclaimer: MST3K belongs to Best Brain’s Inc. Daria belongs to MTV and Sailor Moon belong to those Japanese people mentioned in the story. None of this should be seen as an attack on the original author who I’m sure is a very nice person. This was all done in the name of fun. I made no money off this so don’t bother suing. I’m just a broke college student with to much free time.