The Last Supper A Daria Script by Elizabeth Thaler EmpressEKV@aol.com Int. Mr. DeMartino's History Class The class is gathered. On the board are written various tidbits about evolution. DeMartino: Class, I would like to CONGRATULATE those of you who did not do last night's homework. But as this is most likely the vast majority, I will save your NOTE-passing, CLOCK-watching, DAY-dreaming time by instead APOLOGIZING to those who did do the reading assignment. Sorry Daria. Daria says nothing. DeMartino: For it seems a certain science teacher has little respect for the Bay of Pigs Invasion, and, after comparing me to the Invasion in question, went on to CONVINCE me that it is in my best interest to instead discuss with you basic anthropology. However, RATHER than explain to you all why every human mistake from the dawn of the species has been the fault of a certain male gender, as said science teacher rather forcefully suggested, we are going to discuss primal human instinct. Kevin! Kevin: What's up, Mr. D? DeMartino: Can you name, for the purpose of our edification, a function of human life that has been important to our culture AND/OR personal existence since the earliest forms of man? Kevin is stupefied. DeMartino: I'll give you a hint, son. The thought that dominates your small and yet hormonally-shrunken brain, the one thing that you, Kevin Thompson, think about. Kevin: (After a pause) Football? DeMartino: (Dangerously) The other one. Kevin pauses, looks at Brittany, than looks back. Kevin: I can't say that to you, man! That'd be like- DeMartino: Jane! Jane's hand was not raised. Jane: (Bored) Sex. DeMartino: Thank you, Ms. Lane. I can now report that you did in fact speak in class this semester. Can anyone name another one? Daria? Daria: (Whose hand was not raised) Well, my sister's intelligence is just about par with prehistoric man, so I guess I'd go with family. DeMartino: Very good, Daria. Even the earliest humans had the impulse to breed and raise families. Had they known their descendants would RESEMBLE the contents of this classroom, they might have stifled such an urge. Any comments? No one moves. DeMartino: I see. Rather than have the class dominated entirely by Miss Morgendorffer and our newly loquacious Miss Lane, perhaps you would all benefit from a paper on the topic. Everyone except for Daria and Jane raise their hands, suddenly eager to speak. Mr. DeMartino chuckles. DeMartino: Ah, my work-phobic slackers, I am afraid it is too late for that. Four to six pages, by Monday! The bell rings. Int. Daria's Room Daria and Jane watch Sick, Sad World. The reporter interviews a grungey- looking band. Reporter: Tell me, with two acclaimed albums and a healthy following, what inspired you to make the bold change to instruments made entirely of human hair? The band members look at each other and shrug. Daria: Innovative and ecologically sound. Jane: Yeah. I'd suggest it to Trent, but he hasn't gotten to the acclaimed and healthy part yet. Daria: Speaking of things we pretend will actually happen, how's your paper? Jane: Why my paper's just fine, living happily in its natural habitat. Daria: Which would be nonexistence? Jane: No, that's its state. Its habitat is the piece of paper I wrote the due date on. Daria: Any clue what you're going to write about? Jane: Not a one. You? Daria: Sister. Mating rituals. The usual. Jane: Daria, how am I supposed to write about human instinct when I don't know any humans? Daria: Do what I do. Pretend your family's human and fake it from there. Jane: My family doesn't fake as well as yours. Daria: No one's does. Helen: (From outside) Daria? Daria: We don't want any. Helen: (From outside, annoyed) Daria. Daria: It's open. Helen enters. Jane: We've lured her into our lair. Quick Daria, the net! Helen: Oh, hello Jane. Jane: Hi Mrs. Morgendorffer. How goes the immortal soul trade? Helen laughs genuinely. Helen: That's very funny, Jane. Daria's told you I'm a lawyer, hasn't she? Jane: Oh, are you? My mistake. Helen: Daria, I just came to tell you that dinner's almost ready. Jane, why don't you join us? The girls exchange glances. Daria: Uh, Jane doesn't eat dinner, Mom. She was born without a digestive tract. Helen: Daria, what are you talking about? Jane: It's true, Mrs. Morgendorffer. I have to inject nutrient serum into my neck every four hours. Daria: In fact, I think you're about due for another one. I'll get the syringe. Jane: You should probably go, Mrs. Morgendorffer. This won't be pretty. Helen: (Pleasantly) Oh, you girls. Dinner's in fifteen minutes. She goes. Beat. Jane: Did I just get sucked into eating with your family? Daria: You could make a run for it, fake a headache or a ruptured spleen. Jane: And miss out on observing the primitive Morgendorffer feeding ritual? I stay. Daria: So much for life as we know it. Int. Morgendorffer Kitchen Night. Daria and Jane enter to see Helen, Jake, and Quinn at the table. Looking at them. Waiting. Jane hesitates. Jane: (To Daria) I think my spleen's starting to rupture. Daria: (To Jane) Put a napkin over it. It's too late to back out now. They approach. Helen: Daria, Jane, sit down. Jane's joining us for dinner. Quinn: (Sourly) Why? Helen: Quinn! She's our guest. Jane: (Sitting) Don't mind me, Quinn, I'm just here as a sociological observer. Pretend you're a deer in a nature documentary. Daria: (Sitting) Watch out for that timber wolf. Int. Mr. O'Neill's Dining Room O'Neill, in a cooking apron, is setting a table for seven. The napkins are fancilly folded into fan shapes on the plates, which are flanked by five pieces of silverware each. He hums to himself as he places a salad bowl on the table. The doorbell rings. Int. O'Neill Foyer He goes to answer it and finds Mr. DeMartino standing there, holding a baguette and looking rather uncomfortable. O'Neill: Oh, hello! DeMartino: (In greeting) Timothy. O'Neill: Come on in, take your coat off! DeMartino enters, warily. DeMartino: Is it safe to assume that I am the only one here on time? Ms. Barch enters from another room. Barch: Hello, Anthony. Making chauvinist generalizations? DeMartino: My remark showed a disdain for my colleagues and general misanthropy, but not sexism. So good to see you again, Janet. I'm surprised to find you here early, considering your intense hatred for all things masculine. O'Neill jumps in nervously before Barch is forced to respond. O'Neill: Well, why don't we all sit down. Can I get you a drink, Anthony? DeMartino: Scotch. (He thrusts the bread at him) I have brought a baguette. O'Neill: How thoughtful. I'll go put it in the kitchen, you two talk amongst yourselves. (Pause) On second thought, why don't you come with me? He and DeMartino exit. The doorbell rings. Barch answers it to find Ms. Li. Barch: Angela, come in. Li: Hello Janet. Where's Timothy? Barch: The men are in the kitchen. About time. Int. O'Neill's Kitchen O'Neill cuts the baguette into slices to arrange around paté while DeMartino has found the scotch. O'Neill: How are you, Anthony? DeMartino: Well, today my class maintained its record of being the most unproductive, incapacitated, BRAINDEAD group of young adults I have ever met, I appear to have been shang-haied into a mind-numbing faculty dinner, and I'm scheduled for route canal tomorrow evening. (Voice dripping with sarcasm and bitterness) How are you? O'Neill, meanwhile, is looking at a wine rack. O'Neill: Oh no! I forget to tell Claire to bring red wine! I have plenty of white. DeMartino stops. DeMartino: Ms. Defoe is coming? O'Neill: Yes, of course. Why wouldn't she? DeMartino: I- I just hadn't realized she- that is- excuse me. He leaves. Int. O'Neill Living Room Barch, Li, and now Mrs. Bennet sit, hours d'oeuvres on the cocktail table. Li: Couldn't Mr. Bennet join us, Diane? Bennet: Oh, he's out of town this weekend on business. Barch: Business, eh? That's what my husband called it, too. That was before I knew about Cindy, his blonde secretary. O'Neill enters bearing a plate of bread and paté. O'Neill: Oh, hello Diane, Angela. Where did Anthony go? Bennet: (Mildly perplexed) He's been in the bathroom for about fifteen minutes. DeMartino enters. He stands in the doorway a moment as everyone looks at him. DeMartino: Hello Angela, Diane. He sits stiffly in a chair next to the couch. Li looks at him, squinting. Li: Did you just shave? DeMartino: No. He glances away. Pause. Int. Morgendorffer Dining Room Jane and the family eat. Helen: So Jane, Daria says you're an artist. Have you ever taken classes? Jane: (Scratching her arm) I studied sculpture and life drawing this past summer. Helen: That sounds fascinating. Daria, we should send you to a writing program. Daria: Good idea. I hear they've got some great ones in Siberia. Jake: You know, I was a pretty good artist in my day. Helen: Jake... Jake: Sure I was! You girls have art running through your veins. Daria: Is art an oozing green substance that burns through metal? Jake: I remember back at the old alma mater, me and the guys'd paint posters for peace rallies. My Mom and Dad were for the War, but did I show them! Daria: Dad, Jane's not a blood relation. I think she's exempt from mealtime reminiscing. Jane: No Daria, I'm interested. It's very educational. Now, let me see if I've got this: you rebelled against your parents by going to the college of their choice on their money, thus avoiding the draft? She scratches her arm. Jake laughs nervously. Jake: Boy, am I thirsty. Does anyone else want something to drink? He goes to the refrigerator. Helen: So Jane, how's your mother? Jane: She's okay. She just finished glazing bathroom tiles for a mosaic inspired by a Cherokee harvest ritual. She's a little down, though- she misses my dad. Helen: Oh, is he away? Jane: He's visiting my sister in Honduras. We think she's unwittingly become a political prisoner, but we're not sure. Her letter was kind of vague. Helen: (Not sure what to make of that) Oh, that's... that's... Daria: Let us know when you think of an adjective. Quinn: (To Jane) That's one of those countries south of the Florida Keys, right? Jane: I'm not sure. I lose track of the ones that don't sell cork-heeled platform shoes. Quinn: Does your sister wear those really tacky straw hats? I heard they wear those in like Mexico or someplace. Those are *soo* unflattering. Jane: Yeah, but heat stroke's not quite as fashionable as eating disorders. Though you don't have to worry about the stomach acid ruining your teeth. Quinn: (Catching her sarcasm) Oh, sorry. I guess I shouldn't expect *you* to talk about being attractive. Jane: It's okay, Quinn. I don't mind giving you some pointers. Jake returns to the table and stands there, drink in hand, as Jane smirks and Quinn glares. Jake: (Looking for an exit) Y'know, I should go and- Helen: (Dangerously) Sit down, Jake. He sits. Pause. Jake: So, Jane, how's your mother? CUT TO: BLACK AND WHITE CLIP OF DEMARTINO OFFERING BAGUETTE SPLIT-SCREEN WITH JANE SITTING DOWN AT TABLE. CUT TO COMMERCIAL Int. O'Neill Living Room Li, Bennet, and now Mrs. Manson sit on the couch. DeMartino is still in his chair, bored. Li: (To Manson) We cannot give these delinquents any quarter. Manson: I agree, Angela, but I feel that the issue is not identifying problem cases, but dealing with them. Li: Which is why establishing fingerprint files is so important. Putting gum in the water fountains is detrimental to school well-being, and must be stopped. Bennet: Where did Timothy and Janet go? The doorbell rings. DeMartino rises hastily. DeMartino: (Quickly) Allow me. He exits, glad to have escaped. Int. O'Neill Foyer DeMartino opens the door to reveal Ms. Defoe. He freezes. Defoe: Hello Anthony. How are you? DeMartino: (In his head) *Can't speak... Must speak.* (Aloud) Hello. Pause. DeMartino remembers himself. DeMartino: Come in. Claire. She smiles. He averts his eyes, steps aside, and she enters. Defoe: (Taking off her coat) I hope I haven't kept you all waiting. I've had trouble with my car. DeMartino: (Helping her) I'd, uh, be glad to take a look at it. (In head) *If I knew a single thing about fixing cars and wouldn't put you in danger of your life by merely opening the trunk.* Defoe: Thank you Anthony, but I fixed it with some paper maché. DeMartino: *Say something. Something positive.* Defoe: I brought a bottle of wine. Do you know what I should do with it? DeMartino: *A compliment.* Uh...the kitchen, I believe. *Her hair. Her earrings. Something.* Claire. Defoe: Yes, Anthony? DeMartino: I could not help but notice how symmetrical your ears are. *Goddamnit Anthony what the Hell did you just say!?!* Defoe smiles warmly, genuinely flattered. Defoe: How sweet. She touches his arm in thanks and exits, leaving him with her coat in his hands. Int. Morgendorffer Kitchen Jake: ...It's funny you should ask that, Jane. A human rights group had the same demands- I mean, inquiries- a few months back. And we assured them that all our clientele policies are completely legal. Helen: Tell us some more about yourself, Jane. Do you have a boyfriend? Jane: Not at the moment, no. Daria: But she's betrothed to five brothers in Nepal, ranging in age from six to forty-three. Helen: What about after school hobbies? You were on the track team for awhile, weren't you? Jane: Yeah, but I had to drop out. It was a question of principle. Helen: Oh yes, one of those. (With a sigh) Daria's had several of them. I think she has an overly developed sense of ethics. Jane: (To Daria) I guess not everything's hereditary. Helen: But at least you got involved. Daria, you really do need to take more of an interest in school activities. Why don't you follow Jane's example? Daria: You're right, Mom. And maybe if I work really hard at it, my sister will leave the country too. The phone rings. Quinn gets it. Quinn: Hello? (Pause) Yeah, she's here... (Pause. Skeptically,) Okay, if you say so... Offers phone to Jane. Quinn: It's for you. Jane: For me? (Takes phone, scratching her arm) Hello? (Pause) I'm eating dinner with the Morgendorffers. (Pause) Dinner. (Pause) Yes as a family, some people do that you know. (Pause) No Trent, she's not here, I'm eating with her family but *not* her. You wanna talk to her? (Pause. Hands phones to Daria) Here. Daria takes it. Daria: Uh, hi. Long pause. Jane: He's not saying anything either, is he? Daria: (Handing the phone back to her) He said to put you back on. Jane: (Taking it) Did you have any business to discuss or were you just trying to be a nuisance? (Pause) Oh. I see. The upper left corner of my sock drawer. And I've got it counted, so you just watch how much you take. (Pause) Yeah, right, I'll put it on your tab. She hangs up and goes to resume eating, then notices that all the Morgendorffers are looking at her expectantly. Jane: Oh, sorry about that. My brother just... wanted to know where I am. Helen: Well that's sweet. Daria why don't you ever worry about your sister? Daria: Because she doesn't keep money in her sock drawer. I've checked Quinn: What! Jake: Daria, you know Jane's brother, don't you? Jane: Not as well as she'd- Daria: You'll have to excuse Jane. She doesn't like to talk with her mouth full. Jane: My mouth's not- Daria glares. Jane puts food in her mouth. Jane: (With food in mouth) Pleathe ethkuse me. Int. O'Neill Dining Room The guests sit about the table, eating and talking. Li is at the head. To her right is O'Neill, then Defoe, then DeMartino. To her left is Barch, then Bennet, then Manson. O'Neill: I see what you're saying, Angela, but don't you think what the kids really need is more attention to what's going on inside? Barch: Oh please. The problem is those cheating, lying, young male delinquents who haven't been taught any proper lesson. What we need to do is grab hold of those future child support dodgers and squeeze until they know who's boss. Defoe: Janet, I have to agree with Timothy on this. These children- male and female- are people just like us who've been given negative attitudes towards creative learning- by the media, by their peers, and by overly harsh teachers. Don't you agree, Anthony? DeMartino stops. DeMartino: I, uh- I feel that- maybe it's better- (Searching for a response) Let us not talk about work tonight. We are all intelligent adults, more or less, and capable of more than one topic of conversation. There must be something we can discuss that does not involve those self-absorbed, inattentive, (to Defoe) and yet emotionally fragile, youngsters we teach. Perhaps something more... artistic? He attempts a smile. Defoe smiles back. Manson: Well said, Anthony. Defoe: Indeed. Int. Morgendorffer Kitchen They eat, saying nothing. They eat, saying nothing. Jane scratches her arm. They eat, saying nothing. Helen: (Awkwardly) So... Daria: Yup. They eat, saying nothing. Int. O'Neill Kitchen DeMartino, in rubber gloves, washes dishes, grumbling to himself. O'Neill enters with some more plates. O'Neill: Thanks so much for helping out in the kitchen, Anthony. DeMartino: Anything to get away from Janet and Ms. Li. O'Neill: Yes, those two do tend to go on. But repeated tardiness is a problem. DeMartino: And do you support Ms. Barch's proposal for punishing male offenders? O'Neill: Oh, she was just kidding about that. She knows the school would never fund all those professional surgeons. And I'm sure Ms. Li won't follow through on her electrode implant threats. DeMartino: That was the most reasonable idea I've heard all evening. O'Neill: Here, let me help you with those. You wash, and I'll dry- it'll be fun! DeMartino: Once again, Timothy, you never cease to astound me with your ability to- O'Neill: Find the up side in every situation? DeMartino thinks a moment. DeMartino: While I am a guest in your house, perhaps it's best that we leave it at that. O'Neill: Anthony, can I ask you a question? DeMartino: I... suppose. O'Neill: Why did you become a teacher? DeMartino looks at him warily. DeMartino: I beg your pardon? O'Neill: You have such a... unique perspective on teaching. What made you want to do this for a living? DeMartino: (Suddenly embarrassed) Well, I, I ah... But O'Neill presses on with an oh-so-amiable smile. O'Neill: Come on, Anthony, it's just you and me. DeMartino sighs. DeMartino: Very well, Timothy. Since you have been kind enough to host this fiasco, I might as well do you the courtesy of engaging in a falsified and superficial bonding session. O'Neill: That's the spirit! DeMartino: When I got out of military school an emotionally battered and personally bankrupt young man, I didn't quite have anything to do with myself. I would have squandered much of my youth with slackers and beatniks, despite the love for history I shared with my closest friend, who dreamed of teaching the oft underestimated and DISTORTED study. But then the war started- O'Neill interrupts him, caught in a fit of romanticism. O'Neill: - And your friend was drafted while you were forced to stay at home due to some cruel twist of fate! DeMartino: No, actually- O'Neill: And he was killed in battle! DeMartino: No, he- O'Neill: (Lost in his bizarre fantasy) So you decided to carry out his dream and become a history teacher yourself! DeMartino: Actually I became a teacher to avoid the draft- O'Neill: (Choked up) Why Anthony, that's, that's just beautiful! He begins sobbing into his dish towel. DeMartino grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him. DeMartino: For God's sake man, pull yourself together! He smacks him, and O'Neill comes out of it. O'Neill: Thank you Anthony. I needed that. They turn suddenly to see a confused Defoe standing there, watching. CUT TO: BLACK AND WHITE CLIP OF DEMARTINO WASHING DISHES SPLIT-SCREEN WITH JANE TAKING THE PHONE FROM QUINN. CUT TO COMMERCIAL Int. O'Neill Kitchen O'Neill: (Chuckling nervously) Why, hello Claire, I... didn't even see you. Been there long? Defoe: Oh no, not... long. DeMartino: We were just- I mean- we- Defoe smiles amiably. Defoe: I understand, you don't need me intruding. I just came to see if you had any leftover spinach, Timothy. O'Neill: Oh, sure, right over there. Defoe: (Picking up the bowl) I'm showing Diane how I recaulk my shower. She goes. O'Neill and DeMartino exchange glances. Int. Morgendorffer Kitchen They eat. Helen brings a basket of rolls to the table and sits back down. Pause as, again, no one speaks. Helen: (Desperate) Quinn, why don't you tell us about your day? Quinn: Well, first I handed in my science project on the strengths of different nail polish removers, and then Sandi was telling me and Stacy about this ugly vest she saw Cynthia wearing at this party, only Joey and Jeffy and Jeremiah told me Sandi wasn't at that party but then Tiffany came over and said- Helen: (Quickly, unable to endure Quinn's spiel) Jane why don't you tell us about that play you were in [yes, a reference to my own "All's Weird That Ends Weird Fic"]. You were just wonderful! She nudges Jake. Jake: Wha- Oh, oh yes! Wonderful job, just suPERB! And that death scene looked so realistic! (Aside to Helen) Is that right? Helen: (Aside to Jake) Yes. Jake: *So* realistic! Jane: Well, that one did take a lot of work. You remember, Daria. Daria seems to be wondering where this is going. Daria: Oh. Yeah. Jane: But I had plenty of time in between run-throughs to produce another pint or two of blood. The problem was clotting- had to use an anticoagulant to make sure I gushed. But that's the price you pay for realism. Pause. Helen: (To Quinn) And then Tiffany said what? Int. O'Neill Living Room Coffee and cake, post-dinner, minus Barch and O'Neill. DeMartino stands by the fireplace, poker in hand, attempting to get a fire started, while the others look on. Close-up of DeMartino as he pokes at the fire. Defoe (OS): Do you need any help, Anthony? DeMartino, while looking quite frustrated, tries not to show it. DeMartino: (Sharply) No! (Catching himself) But, thank you for your offer. Li (OS): (Chidingly) You need to stir the ashes! Stir the ashes! DeMartino decides to leave the room before he loses it. DeMartino: I'll- I'll go see if Timothy has any more firewood. He puts the poker down and goes, but we follow the poker into close-up. We see that, in his haste to vacate, DeMartino has placed it on a stack of newspapers. A spark falls onto them. Int. O'Neill Hallway DeMartino opens a door, looking for lighting materials of some kind, and closes it. He goes to another door and opens it. Mid-size shot of him as his jaw drops; he is stunned. O'Neill (OS): Oh my god! Close the door! Barch (OS): Close the door damnit! DeMartino hastily shuts the door and stands there, hand to his chest in horror and surprise, trying to collect himself. A quiet scuffle is heard from the other side of the door, and O'Neill emerges as gracefully as possible, considering several of his buttons are undone, his hair is mussed, and his pants are on inside out. Beat. O'Neill (Nervously, obviously trying to smooth this over) So, Anthony... Suddenly, he drops his usual sycophantic look, apparently realizing a need to get serious. His next attitude is shrewd and matter-of-fact, uncharacteristically business-like... O'Neill: (Eyeing him) Alright, you like Claire, right? DeMartino: (Ditto) I suppose. O'Neill: (Clipped) You keep this quiet if I keep that quiet. DeMartino: (Ditto) Do my cafeteria duty for a month and you've got a deal. O'Neill: A week. DeMartino: Two weeks. O'Neill: Done. They nod in agreement. Int. Morgendorffer Kitchen Try as I might to come up with better stage directions, they're still sitting and eating. Let's just assume this isn't on the same time scale as the other plot, and that this dinner is not taking two hours. Helen: So Jane, are you enjoying your dinner? Jane: Yeah, thanks. My family never really gets a chance to sit down to dinner all together like this. Daria: Oh good, I'd had your mother confused with Donna Reed. Helen: Do both your parents work? Jane: (Thoughtfully; this does not seem to have ever occurred to her) Work? Yeah, I guess they must. Jake: What do they do? Jane: Hmm, do, do... probably something *artistic*. I know my mom's into pottery. (Off-handedly) I guess someone pays her for it or something. Helen: (Trying very hard to treat this normally) And your father? Jane shrugs. Jane: You got me there. I'll ask Trent if Dad left a mailing address and if he did, I'll ask him. (Almost to herself) *Work*. You know that actually makes some sense. Daria: Maybe you should introduce the concept to Trent. Helen: (Looking for something- anything) Trent, oh, yes- how many siblings *do* you have, Jane? Jane scratches her arm. Jane: Two brothers and two sisters, all older. Quinn: God, are they as weird as the rest of you? Jake: (Strongly) Quinn! Helen: You should know that not every family is like ours. Daria and Jane: (In unison) Thank God. Jane seems to be genuinely irked by this, but instead of responding, glares while scratching her arm. Actually, she's now scratching her arm quite persistently without quite realizing she's doing it. Quinn: God, use some moisturizer, that's really gross! Jake: Quinn! Jane looks at her arms, realizing her itchiness. Helen: Is something wrong with your arm, Jane? Jane: (Scratching) I don't know I- (stops) Wait a minute. This tomato sauce doesn't have oregano in it, does it? Helen: I, I don't know. Are you allergic? Jane now looks rather queasy. Helen: Jane? Jane stands, clutching her stomach. Jane: Excuse me. She runs out. Pause. Quinn: Eww. She'd better make it to the bathroom. Daria: I guess she won't be wanting dessert. Int. O'Neill Living Room DeMartino enters to find the newspapers ablaze. The coffee table is upended and Li and Bennet are attempting to stamp out the flames with a throw rug while Manson looks on, aghast. DeMartino can only stand in the doorway. O'Neill and Barch rush past him, now fully and correctly dressed. O'Neill: Oh my God! Morris (OS): Ah ha! Int. O'Neill Foyer Ms. Morris the gym teacher stands there, still in gym clothes, door flung wide. Morris: So you thought I wouldn't figure out where it was? I'll teach you not to invite me! Int. O'Neill Living Room Looking at the chaos about him, DeMartino slips into the hallway. Int. O'Neill Kitchen DeMartino goes out the back door. Ext. O'Neill Backyard DeMartino closes the door behind him to find Defoe coming around from the other side. Awkward beat as they both realize they've been caught fleeing the scene, then they laugh (well, Mr. D chuckles, anyway). Defoe: Timothy certainly knows how to throw a party. DeMartino: (As smoothly as he can muster) Teaching history has taught me two things, Claire: don't invade Russia in the winter, and leave the party when the house catches fire. They laugh and walk to their cars- neither are prize winners, but while DeMartino's looks second-hand, Defoe's looks like she's had it for thirty years. DeMartino opens her door for her and closes it behind her. Defoe: I hope this thing starts. DeMartino: (Knows an opportunity when he sees one) If it doesn't, I can give you a ride. She turns the key and it makes a stalling noise. She keeps trying. DeMartino clears his throat. DeMartino: (While she tries) Claire, I was wondering if, perhaps... The car starts. Defoe looks up. Defoe: What was that, Anthony? But he's lost his nerve. DeMartino: Oh, nothing. She smiles. He manages a smile back. Defoe: Take care, Anthony. She drives off. He watches the car go. Ext. O'Neill's House The remaining teachers practically stagger their way to their cars, including Barch, who looks back at the spent and almost surly-looking O'Neill in the doorway, but wearily (not angrily) continues. Barch: (To Bennet) Can you give me a ride? I don't have my car. Bennet: But how did you get here? Barch: (Sharply) Just drive. Ext. Morgendorffer House The entire Morgendorffer clan bids a haggard-looking Jane farewell. Helen: (Terribly worried) I'm so sorry Jane. I didn't realize- Walking away, Jane grumbles something that could be taken as an apology and continues without looking back. They all exchange worried and embarrassed glances, except for Daria, who can only look at them and shake her head. Int. DeMartino's Classroom The class has left, but Daria and Jane stand before DeMartino, who addresses Jane, her paper in his hand. DeMartino: This is excellent work, Jane. I am not usually a proponent of extra credit, but the audio appendix and transcript not only gave you credibility but points for superior effort and, might I add, bravery. Daria looks at her. Daria: Audio appendix? Jane: Did I forget to mention the tape recorder I had in my pocket? DeMartino: I would offer a poorly veiled THREAT that I expect such work of you in the future, but will save myself from the inevitable DISAPPOINTMENT when you do not. Enjoy your A. Jane: (Sarcastically, duh) Thanks Mr. DeMartino. That means a lot. DeMartino: To anyone else, I'm sure it would. Daria: Mr. DeMartino? Why did you want to see me? DeMartino: Ah, Daria. After reading yours and Jane's papers, ONE question has burned itself irritatingly into my mind. Daria: What's that? DeMartino: (Curiously) Are you adopted? Int. Lawndale Pizza Parlor Jane and Daria have pizza in front of them. Daria eats while Jane leafs through her report, reading the comments. Jane: I'm not sure if this means that he's *not* out to get me, or just that he likes *you* a lot. Daria: I don't think we have to worry about Mr. DeMartino *liking* anyone. Jane: But singling out a teacher's pet is just his style. Daria: Hey, I certainly didn't ask for that position. But if this paper was such a success maybe you should spend all your time studying my family. Jane looks at her. Jane: Or maybe we should help Ms. Li finally implant electrodes in all our necks. Daria: That's the most intelligent thing I've heard all day. Pause. Daria (con't): But then I guess it wouldn't be my finger on the button. Jane: Oh well, we'll just have to stick to using our personalities for shock value. Daria looks at her reprovingly for the pun, and Jane shrugs. Daria: So tell me something. Jane: Shoot. Daria: Why that fake allergy attack? Beat. Jane shrugs. Jane: I felt like it. Daria: Ah, subjecting my family to your whim. Kudos. Jane: Think nothing of it. Could you pass the oregano? Pearl Jam's "Do The Evolution" strikes up, carrying into the credits, as Daria passes the oregano to her. Jane sprinkles it liberally on her pizza and eats. CUT TO CREDITS Notes: Okay, perhaps part of the premise is a bit similar to that of "Pinch Sitter". I apologize. I really wanted to explore DeMartino's character in this one, especially where it overlaps with Daria's. After all, they have similar intellects and senses of humor, and if Daria doesn't watch it, that's where she could end up. I fudged a little on the Vietnam dates: by the time Mr. D was old enough to be drafted they would've stopped giving exemptions to teachers (age based on that given in The Daria Diaries), but then The Daria Diaries fudges by calling him a beatnik, when the beat generation was during the 50's, and DeMartino was born in 1950 (do the math- the book was published in '98, he's 48). Maybe he meant hippie. Whatever. Also, in regards to Trent not being able to say anything to Daria on the phone, I was going for that while she's tongue-tied, he just has nothing to say, and they're kind of on different wavelengths. I mention it because my sister asked. And yes, though it's also me getting over that these scripts are to be read rather than acted, I am in a way borrowing this end-notes concept from the very talented C. E. Forman, whom I hope finds this a sincere form of flattery (it's intended that way). Daria and all the characters therein are property of MTV. Etc.